No New Lesions

I went to the Dr. today and he changed my medication from Copaxone to Tysabri, but...I have to be off of Copaxone for three months before I can switch to Tysabri. Yay, no more daily injections.

According to the MRI done in December, I have no new lesions on my brain, so I guess I'm not gonna die like I thought. He said I have a bad attitude. Well, he didn't actually say "you have a bad attitude" but that's what it comes down to...stinkin' thinkin'.

I need to realize that anything I've had for over six months is NOT going to get better. That's just the way it is. So this means basically good-bye to everything I did well "before" that I can no longer do. I need to embrace my "new self" and let the "old self" go. It's hard to do. It's hard to not get down on myself, or apologize for myself. It's hard to find value in myself. But I know that when I do, I'll be able to look at the future as bright.

My friend Donna said something to me today that really stuck. She said "one of your strengths is that you were already a very positive person and I think that has really helped you in dealing with this. Can you imagine if you were negative before what you'd be like now?" She's right and I appreciate that. I do feel that my positive attitude has helped me even though I may have some stinkin' thinkin' now. I know that it doesn't feel good to be negative, so I would rather be positive even though reality sucks a big fat hairy toe.

Pants on the Ground

American Idol delivers. There was a 62 year old man who sang this for the auditions. One of the funniest, and true, things I've ever heard. I just became a fan of Larry Platt on FaceBook:

Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
Lookin' like a fool, walkin' to the town
With your pants on the ground!

Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground
Lookin' like a fool, walkin', talkin' with your pants on the ground!
Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

Gold in your mouth, hat turned round
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat lookin' like a fool
Talkin' with your pants on the ground!

Boom! Bam! Pants on the ground!
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat

Realizing My Strengths

I am reading a book called MS and Your Feelings: Handling the Ups and Downs of Multiple Sclerosis by Allison Shadday. She is a therapist who also has MS. It has been good to identify my feelings. I feel more empowered.

I really like the section on Self-Esteem where, among other things, she talks about quieting your inner critic, realizing your strengths and passions, and giving of yourself.

Quieting your inner critic is not giving in to negative self-talk. I didn't realize that by apologizing for myself, and comparing my current abilities to what I "used" to be able to do, I was undermining who I am right now. By accepting who I am right now and not comparing myself to myself without MS I feel good and know that I have good things to offer.

I've known for a while that I relate well to people and I am a good listener. I have felt like I could be with people all day and it would be very fulfilling. I count that as a strength. I realize that I could volunteer to spend time with people and be their friend.

I also realize that I don't have to do big things to find joy. Joy can be found in little things as well. For example I can find joy in finding ways to do things so I'm not so tired, or I can find joy in enjoying a piece of music, or in seeing beauty in something.

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to find joy in the little things. In retrospect, I wish I could enjoy them but I'm just to busy and don't take the time. Also, I feel better in finding joy in big things. (Somehow, the little things get diminished, like they aren't as good as the big things.)

I am glad that I had to slow down so I could feel good about the "little" things and enjoy life going on around me. I am glad that I don't need to beat myself up for slowing down and saying "I should do more."