Yes, I Can!

While talking to my son the other day, I indicated that I couldn't do anything without getting hot and tired. I told him how it made me sad to think that once I could do something that now I couldn't. He said "I'll bet you can do it. You'll just be slower but you should try." Well, I tried. And guess what? I did it! (Albeit slower.)

I CAN do things. That knowledge makes me feel like wanting to try.

I accept my disability in some ways. On the one hand I accept what I can do (e.g. Thinking, I wish I could do my hair better but I'm doing the best I can). And on the other hand I don't (e.g. I cry when I can't do things to the same degree of doing them before getting sick).

My perfectionism says, "Do all or do nothing" (e.g. the thought, if I can't do it well then I won't do it at all). My all or nothing thinking stops me from trying because (in my mind) I don't do it good enough. (All or nothing thinking goes back to my childhood of me trying to please people and do everything right.) I'm the kind of person who strives for excellence. I've learned that excellence doesn't mean being perfect but doing my best. (I can be excellent and imperfect at the same time when I do my best.) Not trying isn't doing my best but giving up. I need to to try even when I think that I can do better. (I need to realize that I'm doing the best I can, and if I'm not then I need to try harder.)

I love that President Hinckley said, "Do you best, plus a little more". He strove for excellence and I appreciate his counsel reminding me to do the same. My church teaches excellence. It teaches me that I can be more than I am and I work for it. I love the saying "Why hang with the turkeys when you can soar with the eagles?" That saying is really true and in essence says, "You can go further than you think, so try".

The stories of the pioneers are about excellence. They put one foot in front of the other when they thought they couldn't go on. They kept going when they wanted to give up. They thought, just get me over that mountain. It's inspirational. I think, if they could do it I can too. I don't accept that what I do is all that I can do. I thank my son for encouraging me to try to do what I considered impossible.

Respect

The thing that holds our society together is respect. We have different ways of solving problems but respecting each other allows us to be civil.

It seems like today respect and civility have flown out the door. People say things online they would never say in person. If you disagree with someone they call you names or try to bully you into thinking their way. Some people feel intimidated when they are called names or bullied and conform instead of standing up for what they believe. Most people don't like confrontation and will sacrifice their beliefs to keep the peace. Another thing is people are too busy to think about the fact that they are being bullied, they don't want to deal with it so what happens? The bully wins.

I used to be one of the busy people but my life slowed down a lot when I got sick and stopped working. I started noticing bullies because I wasn't living on auto-pilot. I wasn't just doing the same thing every week and became aware and conscious of things going on around me. I realized that when I was living on auto-pilot I was like a sheep or cattle being directed because I didn't want to deal with it.

I think that's what our government meant by saying something like "people are too stupid to make their own decisions so we do it for them". It's not that people are too stupid, it's that people are too busy and don't want to deal with things. They think "let someone else do it" then complain because it's not being done the way they would do it.

Others have made decisions that people don't like, but the same people who don't like it were complacant and too busy with their lives to stand up.

I think it's time to stand up and wake up! Do we really want to lose our respect for each other and take a giant step backward?

Be of Good Cheer

It's hard to "be of good cheer" when you have little or no hope.

I went to a doctor last year who said to me "there's nothing I can do." She said no medicine existed for the kind of MS I had. Then I never saw her again. She didn't ask me to schedule a follow-up appointment with her and I felt like she didn't care. For ten months I lived in a constant state a limbo. I called it that because I never knew if that day would be my last. I thought what's the use with my life, I'm just gonna die! I never wanted to kill myself but I had no hope for my future happiness.

Last month as I drove and listened to the radio (which I never do, because I hate commercials, I only listened to the radio because I wanted to listen to something and didn't know how to make the satellite radio work) a commercial came that said something like "If you have MS you might qualify for our clinical trial..." I thought oh my gosh! and turned up the volume to hear who would say this. I went directly home and looked the company up on the internet. I felt shocked to realize a medical group existed in the town next to mine that focused on treating people with MS! I wondered how I had never heard of them. I also wondered why none of my previous doctors had mentioned this group. I thought I've had MS for two years and could have used their help!

I knew I liked them when I watched their videos. I scheduled an appointment and went there in March. I had a barage of tests done including telling them my history, having three MRI's (brain, neck, and spine,) having a neurological evaluation, having a sleep study (including spending the night), having an eye study, and giving blood. I just went there again yesterday for a follow-up appointment and felt disappointed when I learned that my previous doctors hadn't sent them my records. I could feel my heart swell when I learned that my MRI's showed very few lesions in my brain. Furthermore, they showed no lesions on my neck or spine. The doctor said that my neurological eval, sleep and eye study were all fine. He said that the thing they checked for in my blood came back negative (which is good!) He only didn't give me a diagnosis because he wanted to wait until he had learned my history and had seen all of my MRI's.

My first doctor said he couldn't help me. My second doctor had a terrible bedside manner. He also indicated that I had a bad attitude. My third doctor forgot about me. This is my fourth doctor, let's hope it's my last!

The nurse gave me hope when he said he wasn't sure that I had the rare form of MS (PPMS.) He said that since I'd had symptoms that went away, it sounded like an attack. People who have PPMS don't have attacks. He said he wanted to review my previous tests and MRI's to make sure I had received the correct diagnosis.

I think a person's level of happiness is dependent upon the level of hope they have.