Proud of My Heritage

Recently I made a graphic of our family tree - so that I would know who to focus on when doing genealogy. Seeing the names of my ancestors made me feel proud of my heritage. I have six nationalities - Hawaiian, Chinese, Portuguese, Swedish, Danish, and English. I thought I was mostly Hawaiian (on my dad's side,) but I'm mostly Chinese too. I have three ancestors who were from China, three from Hawaii, and two from Portugal.

The most interesting person to me was on my dad's side. She was my dad's grandmother - Sarah Kinney. Her parents never married (even though they had a child together.) She's interesting to me because she was an illegitimate child (a person nonetheless) and she was my great-grandmother. It wasn't her fault that her parent's never married! I want to know more about her and the kind of person she was.

I want to know about all my ancestors - especially my fourth generation because I never knew them. Their names are Nettie Christine Andersen, Marten Niclas Hansson Boberg, Mary Rebecca Bolton, John Henry Gordon, Emma Maria Farrer, John Gideon Clark, William Kendall (Parshall) Hatfield, Catherine Ansell, Maria de Sousa, Francisco Perreira, Genevieve Aki Akana, Chang Cho Sing, Puaokina, Kihapiilani William Kinney, See Yeun and Wong Yee Chu.

Each one of them was a person who had a story. They had reasons why they did things and I want to know what they were. They are truly more than just names and dates to me.

I appreciate my Great-Grandma Clark's genealogy work. She did a lot of research that has been very helpful to me. I love her for many reasons and her genealogy work is one of them. But the work she did is for only part of my family tree - actually, a small part. I also want to know about the Gordon's and the Chu's - and Per's family history.

I have two children and when they begin their genealogy work, my third generation will become their fourth generation. They will say they never knew those people, but I knew some. I hope my knowledge will be helpful to them.

Choosing to Focus On the Good

My goal in 2012 is to be nicer. Since I've been sick I say whatever I think (I call it having no filter.) I realize now that I could have held my tongue and spared some feelings but it was really important to me to speak the truth.

For as long as I can remember it was important to me to be liked. So much so that even though I recognized bad behavior I would never say it because I didn't want people not to like me.

Now I still want people to like me (if they want) but it won't crush me if they don't.

It's strange to think that my illness has given me better self-esteem, but it's true. I care enough not to turn my head when someone does wrong. However, I don't need to point out their err. I'll just make a mental note and move on. No one is perfect - we all err.

This year my goal is to give people the benefit of the doubt; to look on the bright side; and to acknowledge good qualities. I may know about bad qualities but I choose to focus on the good.

Wanting to be Prepared

Much of my life now depends on the internet. I write in my journal and blog online. I look up what I need to know on Google. I am entertained by online music, movies, and Facebook.

I realized my dependence on technology when I didn't have access to the World Wide Web. I was not able to use the Internet, or update my blog(s), or basically use my computer, for three days. I tried to fix the problem but couldn't. Because of this, my life, more or less, stopped. I found myself doing things at 9am that I normally did at noon because I wasn't on the computer.

My extra time caused me to think philosophically. I thought about my dependency. I considered how what I had once done was not what I did now. Technology made my life easier but it also handicapped me in that it did for me what I once did.

For example, balancing my checkbook and writing checks. Checks got replaced with my ATM card. Instead of paying for things with a check (or second guessing my purchase,) I handed the cashier my ATM card.

Other things had also changed including: 1) No longer receiving paper bills, 2) Receiving electronic receipts, and  3) Using electronic mail. My bills came to me electronically and I paid them the same way. I no longer received a lot of paper receipts because, for the most part, receipts were sent to me electronically, and I sent much more email than "snail" (regular) mail. (I have a Yahoo! email account and if they went out of business I'd be in a world of hurt.)

My car has a computer. So does my washer and dryer. In fact, so do most of the appliances in my house. If they don't have computers, they're at least digital. My furnace and air conditioning are controlled by an electronic thermostat. And my TV is HD.

Most of the things in my life exist for my comfort. They make my life easier, but I don't "need" them. I can exist if they're not there. If I want to be radical, all I really need are the basics - food, shelter, and heat. Everything else exists for my comfort and I like them but they're not necessary.

I never waste my time dwelling on what ifs, but realizing my dependence on technology and what could happen if the things I'm used to are taken away make me feel concerned and to want my life before technology.

I'm comfortable because of technology but can see how I've given control to the companies with whom I do business. My control also means my freedom. I used to direct most of the things in my life. Now, companies do that. They say "for your comfort" but what they really mean is "for us to call the shots in your life".

I don't want to radically give up all technology - because I like comfort and staying with the times. But my realization has helped me to know what I will and won't do. I am willing to live without technology (if necessary)  and luckily, I remember life "before." (I know I can handle it if something happens to permanently cause me to live in the past.)

I want to be prepared for any situation I face. Therefore I want to know how to do things the old way - just in case.

My Character and How I Choose to be

In Downton Abbey the classes of people are very apparent. Back then, some classes existed because of things beyond their control, like who their ancestors were.

I think we have still have class (or caste) systems today - but they are more subtle. Classes divide people instead of bringing them together. I see a class form when a person has the attitude of "I'm better than you because..." Perhaps its because of the color of their skin, or because they have only one parent, or because they belong to a certain political party, or because they have money, or because they have an illness, or because they're gay, or because their parents valiantly raised them. Classes form when a person thinks they are better than someone else because the someone else is different.

Classes dissolve when a person thinks the best of someone else; and they genuinely treat them that way. They dissolve when a person sees potential in someone else and helps them become that way. The dissolution of classes is loving; love brings together, unlove divides.

Sometimes life isn't fair but that doesn't give a person the right to behave badly. A person's character, who they are, is shown in times of adversity. Not everyone has the same things. No one has the right to think they're better than someone else because they had or have something that someone else didn't or doesn't. The important thing is the character of a person despite their situation.

If a person is judged because of any reason they have the choice as to how they will be in return. Will they be loving or unloving? Will they be who they want even when they've been hurt? Will they judge? Will they lash out? Will they seek revenge?

A person's character is the most important thing they have control over.

What Will I Choose?

There is opposition everywhere. Science even has a theory about it. It says "for every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction."

Opposition has existed forever and I see it every day. Right or wrong? Good or bad? Hot or cold? Sweet or salty? Republican or democrat? Liberal or conservative? 99 or 1%? Christian or not? American or something else? Sick or well? Happy or sad? Positive or negative?

The only thing I control is what I choose.

If I focus my time on one side and favor it only, how can I objectively see the point of the other side? Sometimes it's hard to understand the other point of view, but if I want to  make a decision objectively I need to know the viewpoint of both sides.

If I focus on anti things, I will eventually believe them. If I constantly listen to negative people, I will think they make good points - of course they make good points, their purpose is to make me not like the other thing. They may say, "Open your eyes." They want me to be FOR them and AGAINST the other guy. They have their reasons for saying what they do, but I know that when I strip everything away anti = hate.

I don't want to be hateful but good. When people speak of me I want them to say "she's nice" not "she's mean."

I can't sit on the fence and not choose. I need to pick one thing or the other. I pick what feels good to me. I choose white over black, light over darkness and the truth over a lie.

What is the Motive?

Back in the day people said "I need to do that." They said things like I need to do my genealogy, I need to be a better friend, and I need to love my neighbor. People took things more seriously back then. Their word was their bond. When they said something they meant they would do it. No one questioned their motives but assumed their meaning.

Nowadays when people say "I need to do that," I question their motives and say to myself "They say they need to do it but will they?"

Somewhere along the line, most people stopped meaning what they said. They began to have hidden agendas and in their hearts meant something other than what they said. They tricked people because the people assumed their meaning. After their joke, they said the people were "gullible" for believing them. They caused people not to trust them because of what they did. Their funny thing caused untrue friendships. People pretended to be their friend but really thought they were a jerk. When they had a need, their friends would not be there for them.

My example makes me think of two things. First, the story of Peter and the Wolf and second, a quote. 

In the story of Peter and the Wolf, Peter cried "Wolf!" but there really wasn't one (he just said it because he thought tricking people was funny.) Later in the story, he cried "Wolf!" because he was in real danger. The town's people didn't want to appear gullible and didn't believe him. As a result of Peter's trick the town's people didn't come when he needed them.

This quote is so true: "Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me."

Trust is not something to be taken lightly. People are quick to trust once, but slow (if ever) to trust again. Once a person's trust has been broken it might not be given again.

People shouldn't say things they don't mean if they want to keep their friends.

The Golden Rule

People SAY they believe in the the principle of the golden rule, to treat others the way they WANT TO BE treated, but they tend to believe in the principle of an eye for an eye, to treat others the same way they HAVE BEEN treated. If someone is mean to them then they are mean back.

A person can never be too nice. If they err, they need to err on the side of being nice. Being nice causes a person to love them. Whereas being mean causes a person to hate them.

Jesus was loved by many people. He was honest (to help) and always gave people the benefit of the doubt. When someone needed something he didn't act put out, but helped them. In turn, they loved him for it. Maybe they could have found the answer themselves. But he helped them when they asked and later showed them how to help themselves.

Even when people were mean and crucified him he said "Father, forgive them."

He was truly a great example of how to be.

My New Favorite Show

I've gone too far when I blog about something that isn't real! I dreamed about Downton Abbey, the not-real TV series, all of last night. I have fallen in love with the characters and think about them periodically through out the day.

I saw the series advertised on Netflix and thought I'd watch and maybe like it. Now I've watched the entire season 1 (on Netflix) and season 2 (on the computer at Pbs.com.) I ordered the DVD's for seasons 1 and 2 and anticipate watching them repeatedly like I've watched the Pride and Prejudice movie (of course the one with Collin Firth!)

I thought my movie obsession only related to Jane Austen movies since I've watched Mansfield Park, Sense and Sensability, and Pride and Prejudice several times. I enjoyed the Jane Austen Book Club and have watched Lost in Austen several times. I can't seem to get enough of Jane Austen. I've watched everything that has to do with her books!

I thought I hated romantic movies, but that's not true. I hate gushy love scenes. (Maybe that's why I like Jane Austen movies, because the characters, even when in love, display...propriety.) Downton Abbey is another movie to add to my list of favorites. I enjoy watching movies again and again if I like them. I think the Downton Abbey DVD's will get worn out.

The Best Things in Life are Free

A baby's laugh, things said that warm my heart, watching a beautiful sunset, smelling the air after it rains / or a lawn after it has been mowed, appreciating flowers, seeing crops poking up from the ground.

All of these things make me smile and give me a happy feeling.

It takes effort to "stop and smell the roses." But it also makes me feel grateful when I slow down enough to appreciate (and even see) the little things.

I used to be too busy to appreciate something little. The big things (submitting an important report, attending my child's event, serving valiantly in my calling at church) only had the value needed to get crossed off my list, but making my bed wasn't a big thing - it was a little thing among the thousands of other little things on my to-do list. The little things didn't get acknowledgement - I just did them. Today, the little things in my life have become the big things.

Before getting sick, I didn't slow down enough to see certain people. I saw them but they weren't my friend and that was that. After getting sick I felt shocked that they and so many people were nice to me. I thought they would judge me but they didn't. I had the attitude of being better than them and after I got sick it was hard for me to consider us alike. I wanted to be more than them but my disease made us the same.

My illness made me slow down and see the things around me. It gave me the opportunity to appreciate the things I didn't. It's been almost four years since I got sick. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to see people and the beauty in the world. I shudder to think where our lives (me and my family) would be if I hadn't gotten sick.

The other day I stepped down a step while holding a friend's arm. I said "Yaaaay!" That small thing would have made me cry in years past because I would have been disappointed to find joy in something so small. I didn't cry and that simple act made both me and my friend smile with gratitude.

I feel happy that I can appreciate the things in life that are all around me. It's true that they are usually free. Most of the things I enjoy don't cost anything to see, hear, smell, or touch. I feel grateful that I can appreciate those things even though to me they were once considered small.

Happy Valentines Day

My alarm woke me at 6:00 this morning. I got up early to make breakfast for my family to say "I Love You." I cored the strawberries to slice them and make little hearts. I made Swedish pancake batter and decided to make bacon to go with it.

I called to Per to come in the kitchen and find the little cast iron skillet for me (so I could make Pancakes.) Then I said "I need your help." He said "With what?" I said "Will you make the bacon...and the pancakes...and slice the strawberries...and whip the cream - basically everything!"

He's such a sweetheart - he made breakfast. He said "I think it's funny that you got up early to make breakfast for me, but now I'm making it!" I think it's funny too.

I want to do things for my family to let them know I love them, but I think they already know it. Nevertheless, I think we should have a nice breakfast - even if I don't make it.

Eight Blogs Might be Considered Excessive

I have eight blogs. It's true. Click on my name and see them all listed. Over achiever? Too Talkative? Has nothing else to do? Interested in a lot of things? Yes, to all of the above.

Currently, I am working on a family tree graphic to put on my genealogy blog. After that, I want to tell about Grandpa Gordon and how he served in WWII. I want to tell about Grandma Gordon and how nice she was and how she loved to sing. I want to tell stories of each of my ancestors and keep their memories alive.

I am a product of the things I like. I say quotes and inspiring things all the time. I enjoy being a wife and mother. I talk about religious things a lot. I have a memory like an elephant. I talk about my relatives. I write and express my thoughts. I laugh and think things are funny.

I could write about each of those things in one blog but I've split my blogs so that I can say specific things about each one.

I am no one of consequence - I'm not famous. I'm just an ordinary person who talks A LOT!

Goodbye Whitney

Whitney Houston was found dead last night in her bathtub.

I feel about Whitney Houston the way millions of people did when Michael Jackson died. I think about her songs and the way her music effected my life. I, like I'm sure so many millions of people, shake my head and sadly say "why?"

I bought her Whitney Houston album when it came out in the 80's - you know, the one with the songs Saving All My Love for You and Greatest Love of All. I went to her concert (which was even better than her album) when I was in high school.

I cheered for her when she went on Oprah in 2009 after being out of the limelight for so long and I bought her comeback album. I listened to that album several times in my car and thought the words, especially the first two paragraphs, to A Song For You were so fitting:

I've been so many places in my life and time

I've sung a lot of songs and made some bad rhymes

I've acted out my live in stages with ten thousand people watching

Well, we're alone now and I'm singing this song to you

I know your image of me isn't what I hoped to be

I've treated you unkindly but darling can't you see

There's no one more important to me? Baby, can't you see through me?

We're alone now and I'm singing this song to you

To me, she resembled my friend in one of her videos. I just watched that video on YouTube and got all choked up that she's gone. I remember when Mariah Carey's first song played on the radio. I thought is that Whitney Houston? I have so many memories related to her songs. Today, I grieve the loss of her.

The Prop 8 Hype

If you live in America, you've heard of Prop 8. It's a proposition for a law in California that supports traditional marriage. Gay people are outraged because they want to have legal access to the word "marriage" and they want homosexual marriages legally recognized by the state.

Someone came up with the slogan "No Hate" regarding this proposition - inferring that if a person supports traditional marriage, they hate gay people.

My church is related to this proposition (as are many churches) because a person in my church is running to become the U.S. President. My church has told its members in CA to support traditional marriage and vote for the proposition. My church believes in traditional marriage (between a man and woman) and is in favor of traditional families (a dad, a mom, and children.)

The people who support gay marriage don't approve of supporting only traditional marriage. They say to my church (and it's people) "Who are you to judge?" They think gay people should be allowed to legally marry whomever they want and that no person (or organization) has the right to stand between two people who love each other.

I think that a person can do whatever they want but if they want to change the law to include their behavior, in this case I don't think that should happen.

My church doesn't get involved in political elections. It doesn't tell it's members to vote for certain people. It does, however, tell it's members to vote for or against values in which it believes - when those values are threatened.

I believe the slogan and the people who want to legalize gay marriage are bullying people who disagree with them.

I support traditional marriage, but that doesn't mean I hate gay people.

Since when is it wrong to have an opinion? I stand up for what I believe - even when people try to intimidate me - even when they try to sway my beliefs.

Some Mormon's are hateful and bigoted and narrow minded and say mean things. Their thinking and behavior is wrong. But to use a blanket statement like "Mormons think..." is naive. I'm a Mormon and perhaps I don't think what is said.

It's ironic that the people who don't want to be judged seem to be judging.

I don't treat gay people any differently than straight people. But I do have my opinion. No matter what I think, I believe in following the law. Also, I believe in the 12th Article of Faith of my church which says "We believe in being subject to kings, presidents, rulers, and magistrates in obeying, honoring, and sustaining the law."

Currently U.S. law only recognizes traditional marriage. If the law changes to recognize homosexual marriage too I will have my opinion but continue to follow the law.

I don't agree with everything a person thinks but that doesn't mean they get to call me names. Sometimes we will have to agree to disagree.

Thank You, Schwan's!

If it weren't for Schwan's, I'd starve. My husband cooks when he's home, but he travels. When he's gone, meals are up to me. I used to go out to eat (and still do) but don't as much because I found Schwan's. 

Schwan's brings foods that are frozen right to my door. Their catalog and website have many things, but I mostly buy things to microwave. I ordered from Schwan's off and on for a few years, but consistently do so now.

The deliveryman, Marv, and I have become friends. He's nice and even offers to put my things in the freezer. I say "no, thanks" so instead he puts them in the garage BY the freezer - where Per or Andrew can put them away when they are available. In the summer, I might take Marv up on his offer so the food doesn't unfreeze.

Anyway, I digress...

The things I like about Schwan's food are: 1) they taste good 2) they make a home-cooked meal 3) I can make a little or a lot. 

Let me just mention their blueberry muffins. They are sold as frozen pucks that I can just put in a muffin pan and cook. Did I mention how good they are? They are delicious!! The thing I like is that I can make as many as I want. Did I mention how good they are? :)

I'm sitting here right now having blueberry muffins and herbal tea. I can assure you that if I didn't have the muffin pucks, when I wanted something for breakfast, I'd have nothing.

More thoughts: Why did I choose to do things the hard way? For years, I cooked from scratch. (I'm a creature of habit and don't consider things that would make my life easier.) I see now that, in cooking, taking shortcuts but getting the same results is fine. When my kids were at home, my family liked home-cooked meals. I made everything from scratch and wore myself out because that's what I thought a wife and mother did. 

My family didn't care how the food came to be...all they cared about was that it tasted good. I see now that taking some shortcuts would have made my life more enjoyable. Even if I took shortcuts to make my life easier, having dinner at home with my family would have been more than what most people did.

I was taught to do the hard thing and take the high road. That didn't mean 'make things things harder than they need to be.' It's okay to give myself a break. It's okay to be nice to myself. I know that my family is getting the best from me. If I kill myself over preparing meals, it hurts me most. It's not selfish to do things the easy way when it comes to meals. And it's not selfish to think about myself. I'm not a second class citizen. I give. I serve. It's okay to treat myself like a precious object. In fact, doing so will make me strong.

Count Your Blessings

I just read the last few entries of my blog and I feel so grateful for the blessings God has given me. He has truly blessed me. I see it now but didn't see it then. I didn't think of them as blessings then. He blessed me even when I didn't ask for it because my heart was in the right place. Some parts of my life have been hard but now I see where he blessed me so my life wouldn't continue to be hard.

This song runs through my mind today and is truly how I feel:

Count Your Blessings

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

Codependency or Wishing for Good Behavior?

A friend came over last night and cleaned. She had also come over and cleaned last Friday. Another friend is coming over on Thursday to clean. Yet another friend is here right now, cleaning my entire house. My brother gave me some money to pay for some cleaning.

I posted a blog entry on Thursday, Feb 2nd, called "What Was Once Done Out of Goodness has Stopped." Then I shared it on Facebook. In my post, I lamented about how people used to clean my house but then the service stopped.  Some people responded to my words. I'm sure that many people read my post but didn't respond. 

(Some people say things and some people don't. Just because a person doesn't say something doesn't mean they don't care. I know a lot of people care but don't take the next step and say or show it. It's the people who do take the next step, but aren't genuine, that are hurtful.) 

Bryan said on Facebook that he wished he was here to help me. Another friend said the same thing. Yet another friend said she'd come over and help me. Her daughter, emailed me and said she'd like to come over and help me on Saturday. 

I had allowed my feelings to get hurt when people told me that my church would no longer help me. It hurt when they said that I should seek help from the city. Their words shocked me. I wasn't expecting to hear them and my exposed feelings got hurt. I trusted them and my bare, vulnerable feelings got stomped on by their unhappy news.

One friend had told me that I acted codependent when I didn't say what I needed but expected people to read my mind. They said that my church taught people to be codependent.

Their statements bothered me and I wondered if they were true. I realized they weren't. I didn't expect people to read my mind, I expected them to have good behavior. I sought help from people in my church after my family (Per and Andrew) did what they could but I needed more. People in my church knew about me being sick and needing help. I knew they talked about giving service and being charitable and that's what I expected them to be - for as long as I needed. They helped me for a while but then stopped. When they stopped, it hurt my feelings because I thought they would help me for as long as I needed. This experience taught me to separate my church organization from its people. I truly know that my church's doctrines are perfect but its people aren't. (This is a well known statement in my church: "The church is perfect but the people aren't".)

When I posted about my feelings getting hurt because the service suddenly stopped, my friends and family responded. I had sought help from my family first, then from my church, then from everyone. I am not codependent. I say what I need. Maybe some people in the church are codependent - but my church doesn't teach and has never taught that. On the contrary, it teaches a person to give of themselves and be charitable. People used to do that for as long as needed. Now they only do it for the short term. They do what's easy and don't do what isn't. A good leader could inspire them to be more but that isn't the case where I live.

My friend said it's the first time I've said what I need, and if she would have known that I needed help she would have been here sooner. The statement about saying what I need is true - and false. It's false because I've said what I need - to people in my church. It's true - because I haven't said it to everyone.

Now that I've posted what I did, I've realized that people, both inside and outside the church, want to help me. I only sought help from people in the church. I won't bash my church because I love it, but I know that not only people in my church care about me.

Update to a Blog Post

I added more words to my "Striving for the Best" post after the words "I wish for people to have high ideals and strive to be their best selves."

Scroll down and see for yourself.

Horrible and Hilarious

Since I've been sick I have not been able to hold my bladder. I used to pride myself in the fact that I could drink more than one Diet Coke without having to use the ladies room. Sometimes I went an entire work day without visiting the latrine. Now when I have one Diet Coke I have to excuse myself.

Why is this subject taboo? We don't discuss body functions because they're gross and yet we all use bathrooms. When someone breaks wind or pee's their pants...it's funny. We all laugh, now we just do so in private.

I'm giving you permission to laugh at this story. I know you're not laughing at me but at the funny events. It's horrible but when you think about it but it's also hilarious.

Earlier in the evening I told Per that I had just one speed. In the past, sometimes I'd forget and think I'll hurry and do that. Then I'd try and fail. I told him that I could only go one speed - slow. I explained how it frustrated me for years because I had become used to doing things fast. I said how only time had helped me to cope with my "new normal."

Later that evening Per and I watched my favorite show (The Big Bang Theory). Several times he said that I reminded him of the main character and that I acted just like him. After the show, I stood up to go to bed. I asked Per to save everything from dinner because I had really enjoyed it. He said "OK Sheldon." (Sheldon is the main character’s name.) His comment made me stand there and laugh. I couldn't hold my bladder as I laughed or as I walked upstairs to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, I partially disrobed. I thought I'd leave the room and go to my bedroom before anyone noticed. As I entered the hallway, Per glanced at my face before walking into the kitchen. I walked down the hallway and had almost reached the stairs leading to my room when Andrew appeared from the basement.  Instead of going to my room I diverted into the office. I hoped Andrew didn't see me as I closed the door, turned on the light and sat down in a chair.

I heard Per tell Andrew to get something in the basement. After Andrew went downstairs Per opened the office door and said "hurry and go upstairs while he's gone." I looked at him as if to say "I can't hurry." We stared at each other then stood there laughing. Andrew came upstairs again,  he and Per went into the kitchen, and once again I closed the office door and sat down.

Andrew went downstairs for the final time and Per came into the office to tell me I could safely go to my room. He said "take as much time as you need." He offered to help me then, after doing a double-take, said "are you naked?!"

I felt overwhelmed by everything that had just happened. I felt angry that I couldn't control my bladder. I had laughed so hard with Per that when he asked me the question I started laughing again...then crying. I asked him to bring me some new clothes so I could walk out of the office feeling decent. He brought to me my pajamas and I dressed in the office. Then, he helped me walk upstairs to my room. I kept chuckling and he said "don't laugh until you get up there!"

Striving for the Best

I'm not gonna bash my church because I love it. I love the gospel principles and what I've been taught.

However, I will point out  behavior that is mean, unloving, unkind and wrong even when it's done by people within my church. I will call out anyone with bad behavior.  Yes, some people in my church have bad behavior. I will not look the other way and pretend they don't do wrong. If a person listens to my words,  even if they think they're mean (to me they're true,) perhaps they'll think she makes a point.  If my words cause them to change and become greater then what I said will have been helpful.

Perhaps it's true that the truth hurts. I can see that it hurts because it dents a person's ego. No one wants to be told they did something wrong. But, I wonder if people only want to hear good news. When should a person hear bad news? A wise person said that we can't be shaped without feeling a little heat. Perhaps the heat is the truth - and the truth can hurt. But, when a person changes for the better because of the truth, they benefit. 

Honesty and telling the truth, can hurt a person. But they can also help. Honesty and telling the truth are good things. Perhaps that's why "Thou shalt not lie" is one of the Ten Commandments.

When I'm dishonest I sacrifice my feelings to save another's. Unfortunately, I also hold them back. When I say nothing, my lack of words allows them to continue their bad behavior. The truth isn't brought into the light but swept under the rug. It's true that they get to choose to improve or not. At least my honesty takes me out of the picture and their choice is all on them.

I believe that people used to strive for the ideal and want to be their best selves. At some point, people stopped striving but instead ACTED like they still did. They became concerned with APPEARING to strive rather than striving. Others thought they did strive, but when they faced something that challenged them their true colors showed. 

Nowadays, it seems like a lot of people are their worst selves. They try to get away with things. They lie, cheat and steal. They are selfish. They think of their own welfare before that of someone else. They don't try to rise higher but want everyone to sink to where they are. 

If people have high ideals then people with low ideals make fun of them. The people with high ideals are labeled "goody-goody" and the people with low ideals think who do they think they are? The people with high ideals feel like they are swimming upstream and are a fish out of water. A lot of people with high ideals conform because they feel pressure from people with low ideals.

I believe that people with high ideals need to stand for what they believe. They also need to learn how not to hurt people's feelings. I think If they make a mistake, they need to repent (turn back to God) and ask God for forgiveness. If they hurt someone, if they try to right the wrong, that someone needs to forgive them and not hold their mistake over their head by bringing it up again or thinking less of them. 

I wish for people to have high ideals and strive to be their best selves.

Some people will disregard this post and think I'm being negative. It's not negative to point out the truth. I see the negative AND the positive - the good AND the bad. But I choose to be good. I choose the positive and happy because they give me a good feeling. I won't, however, ignorantly think the negative and bad don't exist. I won't sweep bad things away and pretend they don't happen because they do. I just won't participate in them.

Maybe some people wouldn't need to take Prozac if they just acknowledged the truth. They probably see the truth but numb their feelings because their family wouldn't like their honesty, or whatever. They should stand up against wrongness and choose to stand for the right. It will make them feel better and they won't be victims to dishonesty. If anything, at least other's will know they won't take part in sweeping the truth under the rug. They can do it. They are stronger than they think.

Everyone gets to choose how to behave. Some people choose to be mean. Some choose to be nice. Some choose to be mean but say they are nice - that is dishonest - they are really mean.

When someone doesn't say anything about a person's bad behavior because they never know when they will change, it doesn't help the person but leaves them out in the cold. That is not nice and is unloving. The loving thing to do would be to honestly tell the person about their bad behavior, have faith in them that they can change, and be their true friend.

The way a person reacts says something about THEM. I wonder, do they want to be loving and kind or mean and nasty?

I'll repeat what I said earlier. I wish for people to have high ideals and strive to be their best selves.

What Was Once Done Out Of Goodness Has Stopped

After I awoke, I rolled to my side and looked at my clean clothes on the floor. I wish I could hang them up but going from the bedroom to the closet and reaching to hang up each article of clothing is hard. A person who isn't sick wouldn't consider it a big deal to walk 30 steps to the closet while carrying their clothes, and then hang them up. I used to think of that as a little thing among the many things I had to do.

In just my room this is what I did: Opened the curtains daily and opened the blinds to let light in. Made my bed. Kept the floor clutter free and vacuumed. Maintained the clutter and put or threw things away when necessary. Wiped dust off the furniture, walls and lamp shapes as needed. Emptied the trash cans when they filled up. Picked up stuff on Per's side of the room. Washed the bathroom counter and sinks when they got dirty. Cleaned the toilet and shower. Vacuumed the bathroom floor.

Now, it good when I do one thing. It takes effort to walk even a few feet. My head feels dizzy when I stand. I don't have the balance to carry things and could fall. Reaching makes me feel tired. Bending over causes even more dizziness. My fine motor skills are clunky, for example: compare an adult and a child buttering bread and think of me as the child.

As I walk through my house, that I used to keep clean, I see all the things that need to be done. I think pick your battles and decide to lower my expectations.

I used to maintain my home and cook most of our meals. I wanted to do it. I still do, but I can't. It's crappy to realize I'll have to pay to have those things done but if I want them done I'd better get out my money. Non-sick people wouldn't dream of paying for a service they could do themselves. 

A person never knows when they will go from non-sick to sick. I pity the sick person who stays sick because people will help them for a while but then...they will stop. If the sick person wants a thing done, they will either have to pay for it or realize that it won't be. If something is paid for, the idea is sad because what is paid for was once done happily and for free.

I am grateful for my illness because it has taught me many things. Nevertheless, I wish I weren't sick and could do things myself. I'm the kind of person who likes to be in charge of my own destiny. I don't like to be dependent upon others. I was independent for years. Now I'm not. I remember when I could do things. 

I imagine this is how an old person feels. I'm young (43) but I feel like my illness has caused me to age 40 years. I won't allow myself to get depressed but I could be if I went there. I feel frustrated that people once helped me and now they don't. They don't do what I need when I need it most. I'm sad that I served people in my church but they won't serve me back. I gave everything I had to people but they won't give it back to me.

I want to scream "I'm a person with feelings" because I want certain people to acknowledge me. I want them to embrace me and be charitable because that's what they preach a person should be. I want them to do what they say otherwise I feel like they are temporary and fake. I want them to put their money where their mouth is and practice what they preach.

The church's policies are implemented based upon interpretation. No one is perfect except God and he doesn't live here. My church is run by imperfect people who I thought tried to do their best, and some do, but some don't. The ones that don't say helpful things, instead make people feel guilty or they offend people by their unkind acts and words. I can see why some people get offended and leave the church - because while the principles are perfect the people aren't.

A person thinks the healthcare system is fine - until they have a need and don't receive the care they expect. The same is true for my church. It's fine as long as a person is well. When that person has an ongoing need that doesn't get helped it causes them to feel confused, then hurt, then to want to broadcast the injustice to the world.

How will a problem ever be fixed when the person who discovers it is cast to the side and the problem is swept under the rug? The problem has to be faced otherwise it will remain a problem.