Why I Am Focused and Religious

I behave based on what's in my heart. The thing I want most in my heart is eternal life - I want to live again with God and JC. The first year after getting sick, I realized that I could spend my entire life focusing on things that didn't matter - things that could be taken away - and never develop (focus on) the things that DID matter and that would never be taken away - my character (see Behavior vs. Attributes in November 2009.) I decided to focus on the important things to me: my family relationships, my character, and my relationship with God.

I want my goal some day, but want to have Godly attributes in my character right now. (I could go somewhere today, get hit by a bus, and be killed. I don't know for how long my life will be - I assume, but, in truth, simply don't know. No matter for how long I live, I want to be prepared now for when I meet God.) I want to be real - not just appear real because I know that I can't fool Him; He who looks at my heart. I want to be the same...both on the inside and outside - I don't want to look nice on the outside but on the inside be filled with dead men's bones.

Fast forward to today. I'm focused and religious because I only develop in me what matters most. I've dropped the things that really don't matter and have tried to focus on the things that do matter (my character.) I'm authentic, and believe that I'm someone who could live in God's presence. I live with no regrets. I love the words to Kenneth Cope's song "Treasure the Truth" and believe what they say.

Treasure the Truth

Treasure, lost in a field.
Found by a traveler, then quickly concealed. 
Rejoicing, he gives up his all,
To have the treasure, the Kingdom of God. 

Jesus knew we were lost. 
He came as a traveler to cover the cost. 
Unfailing, He paid with His death. 
Hoping we'd join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Now truly we see what we are.
For treasure will govern the heart. 
And if His heart moved Him to die, so we could live, 
Then His treasure is you and I. 

There's treasure waiting in heaven, 
For all who follow the truths He has given. 
He bids us come, so that's what I will do. 
To have this treasure, I'll treasure the truth. 

Truly we show what we are, 
For treasure will govern our hearts. 
And if our hearts will give up all to live with Him, 
Then our treasure's the Son of God. 

Like treasure laid in a tomb 
Brought forth triumphant in glorious view. 
I pledge my faith, and all that I can do, 
To win His treasure, He is my treasure, 
To be His treasure, I'll treasure the truth.

Giving in to Fear Just Leads to Having More Fear. Be Strong!

The most helpful thing to me has been reading about the voices in the book Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence. In that chapter it says that there are three voices in everyone's head: The first voice says positive things; The second voice says negative things; And the third voice wonders which is right. (Imagine a confused person with a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other shoulder who holds their hands up as if questioning which one to listen to. One voice says, "Do it" another voice says, "Don't do it" and the person thinks, what should I do?)

For years I had a little voice in my head that said bad things to me and made me doubt myself. I listened to that little voice, even though I didn't like it, because I wondered if it said the truth. About ten years ago I learned that it had been lying to me and began thinking good things. (Ever since I got sick the little voice stopped talking to me - and never came back. I don't know why it stopped, but, being the religious person that I am, I choose to consider it a gift from God because He loves me.) Recently, I read the following story and thought the wolves were like the little devil and angel on the person's shoulders:

An old Cherokee told his grandson: "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth."

The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed." 

How true that the dominant voice in my mind is the one I feed.

Last week, Per and Andrew both went on trips, leaving me home alone with Fluffy. For five days I felt fine. (Albeit a little bored at night, but mentally and emotionally OK.) On day six, I sat upstairs doing something in the kitchen. Someone impatiently rang my doorbell three times, and by the time I opened the door he stood at the end of my driveway on his phone. I let my imagination see a bad possibility that scared me. He held a clipboard and could have been talking to his boss, but I also considered the possibility that he had called a thief to tell them to rob my home because no one answered the door. I let my fear go so far as to text my son, text a friend, turn on every light in the house, turn on the TV, lock every lock, move the key that unlocks my room, and lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. 

I worried all night about a robber getting me. Every time I saw the light outside my bedroom door, I thought about the bad scenario and felt more scared. The next day I thought about how if a robber wanted to do something bad, they'd find a way to do it; I might deter them but if they wanted to do a bad thing, they would.

There are many things that I don't like and that scare me, but I tell myself, "You can handle it!" I'd rather be tough than fearful. I prefer to think, I can! I'm strong and capable of doing hard things. I fed my fear that day and it became stronger. Had I not given in to fear I would have been strong, and, although scared, I would have thought, You can handle it instead of thinking, I'm more scared now. In retrospect, I would have been mentally and emotionally fine had I not fed my fear. People are strong and capable of handling things - I hope they will be strong even when they feel scared.

United We Stand

To Americans over 30:

I have more in common with you than I don't. I relate to you in many ways (jobs, kids, spouses, nationalities, interests, sports, music, movie preferences, patriotism, and many more things.) I want to get along with you and share what we have in common; I see the doughnut in you more than the hole. I won't say things that divide us, but will say things that unite us to be friends. I'm reminded of this part of this song:

For united we stand, divided we fall,

And if our backs should ever be against the wall,

We'll be together, together, you and I.

I remember that song being a sort-of motto of America in the 70's and 80's. Do you remember that? Back then, people sang about unity. These days, it seems like people sing about division. Back then, the Civil Rights movement had just occurred and people had the focus of coming together. These days, it seems like Civil Rights are tearing us apart.

Back in the day, patriotism got displayed openly in this country. These days, it seems like some Americans are ashamed of their country. I've noticed that most Americans are patriotic...but in private; I wish they would openly show their patriotism. If something bad happens to America, then people are openly patriotic, but if nothing bad happens to America, then some Americans aren't very patriotic; maybe they think, let them do it. A lot of Americans showed their patriotic pride after 9/11. I saw many flags and patriotic attitudes. But the longer time goes away from 9/11/2001, the less American pride I see. 

I hope to see flags flown, not hear talk about our freedom to burn them. I hope that we'll sing patriotic songs, so they won't become memories. I hope that we'll have parades, and be proud of our country everyday of the year - not just on July 4th. 

I won't become an example of hate to my children. I believe that we all choose how to react to unfairness. I will be nice, merciful, and loving, and I hope that you will, too. Instead of complaining in my home about how great this country used to be, I want to make it great again! This world is my children's home and right now it's getting destroying by hate. I will be the change I want to see in the world. I won't get mad because the other guy won't change, but will give mercy to him and hope that if the tables were turned, mercy would be given to me. I want my kids to continue the patriotism of America, so I will talk about America's greatness. This world doesn't have to go downhill, but I can only control what I do. I will be friendly, kind, and the sort of person that others want to be around.

I know that other people besides Americans read my blog. I'm an American and love my country, but anyone can be a patriot. Bottom line: I hope that we will see what unites us, and have more love in our hearts. We're the good guys and need to only fight with the enemy. This world is worsening because of negativity, and needs people who lift, unite, and inspire. I hope that can be you and me.

Doing My Best vs. The Best

All I can do is my best. I'm not perfect but I do the best I can. I expect the best from myself, not the least. When I make a mistake, all I can do is -admit it, -say I'm sorry, and -try better the next time.

Expecting myself to always be perfect is impossible. I'm human and sooner or later will make a mistake. It's wrong to expect myself, or anyone, to never fail. When I fail, I will learn from my mistakes and have a deeper resolve, but will I also get mad and say things that I don't mean? Do I say mean things possibly because I expect too much?

Another person's best isn't necessarily my best. When they do something, all I can do is say, "Did you do your best?" (I hope they gave it their all, but ultimately the choice to do well belonged to them.) 

I won't think negative things when I, or anyone else, fails, but will have compassion and hope for better things the next time. I heard a person repeatedly say, "Do your best plus a little more." I can always do a little more and improve. I commit to do my best and never say, "No one will ever know" because it's not true - I will know. I will do my best because that's who I am.

What E'er Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part

I heard something yesterday that I believe is true, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part." It reminds me of something I read in a book once, "Act as if." I had a temporary job once to fill in for a girl while she had surgery and recovered. I kept telling myself, "Act as if" and did well for my boss. When the job ended, my boss and other bosses had recognized my good work and created a position so they could keep me around.

I'm not saying that positions will be created for the person who does a good job, but that a person needs to do the best they can. "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

I did the best I could in my job, but my new boss felt the need to tell me (in so many words) that I'd never be as good as him. He was very nice, but I knew my place. Bosses need to encourage their employees to excel and employees need to do good jobs. I left my new boss (even though he was nice) because I knew I could do more. He, too, could have followed this saying, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

Even if I have the lowliest job on the planet, I need to do the best work possible. The same is true if I have the highest job. My work speaks for itself;  it always says the kind of person I am. I need to do my best at whatever I do so that I won't regret knowing that I could have done better. When I've done less than my best in the past, it doesn't help me to negatively say, "It's too late for me because I can't fix what's been done." I need to say this, "From now on I'll do better."

Special Experiences in my Life

One of the special things in my life are my dreams. Vivid, colorful, detailed, honest, weird, liberating, repeating, and sometimes continuous. I remember a lot of my dreams as well as the feelings that accompany them. They are set in different times - some past, some present, and some future. A few are scary, and many are peaceful. Some are gross, and a lot are beautiful. When I think of certain places, certain dreams enter my mind. I remember less of my dreams now than before getting sick, but they mean great things to me.

I'm glad to write things in my journal. Many thoughts run through my mind and are easier to contemplate when I write them down. My journal is like a mute friend that listens for as long as I talk. People can hear too many words, but my journal never says, "Enough!" Many times, I've considered my journal cheap therapy because I've written my true feelings and later read and learned from them. My first journal versus the one I have now are quite different. One reflects my 10-year old self, and the other reflects a more mature me.

One of my favorite high school memories is when a group of friends and I went to a park at night, stood in a circle holding hands, and sang songs. Most teenage kids wouldn't esteem an event like that, but it touched my soul. I'm thankful for the spirituality that has always been a part of my life. Church services, seminary, firesides, and Super Saturdays shaped me. Even my high school choir experience had a spiritual effect on my life. I'm sure that the person I am today is partly attributed to the fact that a lot of my growing up years were done in Orem and Provo, Utah. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel in my heart for the spirituality in my life.

Nothing compares to love. My marriage and the birth of my children are special experiences, indeed. Per, Bryan, and Andrew enrich my life more than I can say. My heart overflowed last year when I saw my oldest son marry his sweetheart. Kimbra adds something special to our family - she is meant to be with us. 

The places around the world where I've been hold a special place in my heart. The people I've met have truly touched me - I'm fortunate to have met them. Some people don't want to travel far distances but I've always wanted it and appreciate the opportunity to have done so. The beautiful places I've seen have enhanced my life. Memories are forever etched in my mind of wonderful sites, fun things, and nice people.

There are many special experiences in my life that haven't been mentioned. Actually, every good experience I've had is special. I feel so grateful when I think about all the special things in my life. Sure, there are crappy things in my life too, but I don't mention them because they aren't special. I am not exempt from feeling sad, lonely, betrayed, and many other negative things, I just don't choose to remain depressed, mad, or hurt because I want to feel happy. There are many good experiences in my life. I love remembering them.

Peeping Tom and Curiosity

Peeping Tom had been a part of my life for years. As a child, I had no privacy. I put things away in my drawer where they wouldn't be found, but they'd be found and taken. I've kept a journal since 10 years old, and inevitably people would read my thoughts. Doors have been pounded on when I've locked them and stood on the other side; people have demanded me to let them in and I've said, "No! Leave me alone!"

It may seem innocent to listen to other people's conversations, but it's an invasion of privacy, a lack of trust, and a lack of respect. People innocently get called "nosy" but it's more than that...it's just plain rude!

Children see what their elders do, and if their elders do those things they do them too. That happened to me. I used to spy on my husband and think he didn't tell me the truth. I wanted to "catch" him in his lie to verify my hunch. I had a great lack of trust. One day I realized that he'd never lied to me so I figured I needed to trust him. 

I began to trust my husband, but still had the curiosity every once in a while to spy on him. (The curiosity didn't stem from my lack of trust but from my weakness.) I didn't want to spy, but no matter how much will power I had, sooner or later I gave in to temptation. I couldn't stop the habit on my own - no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I prayed to God to take the weakness from me and mercifully, He did.

I no longer have the desire to spy. My husband could lie to me, but I know that it's his action and if he does lie, it's his weakness to overcome. (My responsibility would be to forgive him when he asked for it.) My curiosity (nosiness) led to wrong behavior. I'm glad I learned to trust and to give other people respect and privacy.