Mood Stages

So I've been dealing with MS for 7 months now-known what was wrong with me for 4 months. And I've noticed my moods have gone in stages. When I didn't know what was wrong with me, I was very patient. I actually surprised myself by being calm and patient...no hysteria. no why is this happening to me? no pity-party. I just waited patiently for the doctors to tell me what was wrong with me. During those 3 months, I did a lot of thinking.

I remember one day I was lying on my bed feeling kind of scared and a thought came to me...it could be worse. I started thinking about all the ways in which it could be worse. 1) I have problems with my eyesight but at least I don't have to face this trial in darkness. 2) I have problems walking but at least I "can" walk. As I thought about those things, something happened, I started to feel very grateful. Grateful that it wasn't worse.

Shortly after that I was sitting at the piano. (I've loved the piano since I could play it. I love to sing and play, it's like therapy to me...and sometimes a prayer. I have often played and sung for hours and my heart has swelled at the music. It clears my head, it's a thinking time for me, I can escape in the music and think. (I love it.) Here's my trial...my hands, especially the right hand, are weak. I can't hold my hands on the keys. I try to play, but I can't. As for my voice, I have no support from the diaphragm...I can't sing. The two things I love in all this world I can no longer do. As I sat there at the piano that day thinking about that, a strange thing happened, I was grateful. Grateful for the 20+ years I had to play and sing. Grateful that God have given me that time to spend with him. I knew that even if I never played or sang again in this lifetime, that those things would be restored to me in heaven. In eternity I would have the opportunity once again to play and sing and it gave me comfort knowing that. It made it okay.

At some point I realized that we become attached to our lives and to others and that is why we are afraid of death. We don't want to lose what we are used to or not have the people in our life that we love. But I realized that life doesn't end...it is eternal. We keep living even if it's not in "this" life...and the things I call "important" stand out to me. Family relationships, friends, being pure and clean to live in the presence of God. Those are things I can work on even in the midst of my trials.

It's been 7 months and my trial goes on. I've been taking Copaxone since October 1st and it has made such a difference. Within 2 weeks I had more control of my hands to the point that I could actually type. I could walk without feeling like I was twisting around...and even without assistance! I could walk on my own. I could talk better even though I still had "moments." (At least I wasn't avoiding talking to people. I talked on the phone with my sister and my friends and it meant so much to me.) I can type and sit at the computer now -  I have access to the outside world! There are a lot of things I "can" do and I'm glad that it's not worse.

I was thinking this morning what a bummer it is that I am not an early riser any more. I used to get up at 5:30 or 6:00am and read my scriptures for an hour or two, and now it's a miracle that I rise at 6:45 to make a shake for Andrew and say good-bye to him as he goes off to school. For the next hour I am waking up. I thought about writing a blog this morning and kind of felt like having a pity-party for myself because of all the things I can no longer do, or at least can't do as well in my mind. But as I sit here writing this blog, it occurs to me that there are a lot of things I 'can' do. I can either give in to pity and self-defeat and become a negative and bitter person, or I can be positive and see all the good things around me. I think I'll take #2 even though it takes more will-power. I know I'll feel better if I go with #2.

A person never knows what life is going to deal them. One day they could be going along thinking they're in control...eating a certain diet, exercising, doing the grind, in the comfort zone, and all of a sudden everything is shaken up. That's what happened to me. The mask of my life was removed and my life was exposed for everyone to see. But what I noticed was that people were nice they wanted to be helpful. Most people care - they don't mock me but are accepting. I'm still trying to get used to that. I want to hide, I want everyone to "think" I have it all under control - that my life is together. But I'm all exposed and vulnerable and everyone can see it. It's like I have no more "pride" because it's all out there for everyone to see. But I've realized that it's a good thing because I'm real. I'm not pretending, not hiding. What you see is what you get.

I wrote this in my journal the other day:
I have even turned away from God to some degree in not acknowledging his hand in all things. I've been trying to be brave and fine, and handle trials on my own and in that process, I've shut him out. After I handle my trial, then I'll turn to him. But here's what I've realized.

Being brave is like the outer shell of a crab, it's what I want the world to see, that I'm fine, I'm tough, I can handle my problems. But the Lord wants me to put off the natural man to put off that outer shell. When a crab takes off its shell, its exposed, vulnerable, just a crab. Nothing to hide. The Lord wants me to come to him with no shell. He wants me to invite him in so he can make my weak things become strong, so he can succor me. If I have my outer shell on, I cannot let him in. Taking off the shell, or putting off the natural man, is humbling myself and being submissive. It is coming to him and letting him in.

I like that. I want to walk through my life with Heavenly Father. I want him to be with me and to strengthen me. My trials may not be taken away, but he can make the load seem lighter. It gives me a lot of hope. I think the mood stage I'm in right now is a battle of my will. I will not give in to pity. I will not give in to negativity. I will put my trust in God and he will support me. For that I am grateful.

25 Things About Me

I wrote 25 random things about me on Facebook and thought I'd share it on here. These are definately random...but maybe you'll learn more about me. Enjoy!

1. I like music. Piano, Singing, Listening. But I don't like Rap.
2. France is gorgeous in May. There are so many flowers everywhere.
3. I lived in 35 places before I graduated from high school.
4. I don't like really hot weather, but have gotten used to Kansas summers.
5. I like the snow, but not scraping windows.
6. My first car was a VW '68 Type 3 station wagon that had an oasis mural painted on the glove box. It was given to me. The guy said if you can get it to run, you can have it. A guy in my ward fixed it. The heat came from the heat of the engine. And the air conditioning came from opening the little window by the big window and pointing it at you so the air could blow in. My friend learned how to drive a stick in that car and almost killed us. Good times... :)
7. My 2nd car was a VW Rabbit convertible that didn't like cold weather. M-A's dad would come over every morning in the winter and jump-start my car. (Bless him!) Then I would drive to work with the window rolled down because there was no defroster and the windows were all iced over or fogged up. I'm amazed I'm alive considering the first 2 cars I had!
8. I like to talk to my friends, but am very quiet around people I don't know.
9. I don't like social gatherings with people I don't know very well. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not good at striking up random conversations.
10. I like playing myFarm on Facebook--thanks a lot Lani :) But I don't like video games at all (not good at them)
11. I LOVE Mexican food. Per's homemade Guacomole, my chicken Enchiladas, Tacos, Fajitas, Espinaca and pretty much anything from Jose Peppers.
12. I love to read non-fiction, personal development books, and the scriptures. I'm not into fictional novels...especially love stories.
13. I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all my life. My great+ Grandfather, Alpheus Gifford, joined the church in 1830, he knew Joseph Smith, and baptized Heber C. Kimball and served 3 missions. The church has been in my family thru the generations. That means a lot to me.
14. I do not drive right now thanks to having "moments" related to having MS. A moment is where I freeze up for about 5-6 seconds, can't move or talk. I thought I could "work thru" these moments and keep doing what I was doing and this has resulted in me falling twice (boo) I really miss driving.
15. I really love scrapbooking but it takes me too long to do a page so I've given it up :) But I still really like it.
16. I won a bowling tournament when I was 12.
17. I can remember events of my childhood really well. Lots of funny memories with my sister, Lani. I will say "remember that?" to my extended family and most of the time they don't. I would like to write these memories down and hear what everyone else's memories are on the same event/subject.
18. My sister, Lani, and I were good friends growing up. We lost touch in our 20's and now I talk to her almost every day. I love my sister, she's a good friend.
19. I married my boyfriend from high school, and the only guy I've ever kissed. He was a Swedish exchange student my JR year and was very mysterious and gorgeous. His cologne was to die for! My friend and I used to watch him eat, we called him "Jaw" because he had this little muscle on his Jaw that you could see when he ate. He also played soccer and had lots of leg muscles. I could go on, but he has a facebook account too and will get all embarrassed. I still get all tingly when I think about it (or him).
20. I've lived in KS for 18 years and love it. KS is home.
21. I served in the primary presidency (children's organization) at church for 3+ years with Marjean, Denise and Donna and to this day we are still the best of friends and do stuff together. I love those girls! We had a great time serving together and I must say some pretty good primary programs too :)
22. I would love to go on and on about the details of each answer but you'd probably get bored. That's why I have a journal (many journals), so I can "talk" as much as I want :) I've been keeping journals since I was 10, and it really is good therapy :)
23. I am not athletic at all. And I mean at all. Nor am I coordinated. I trip over myself doing Richard Simmons. It's okay-I've embraced my inner self :)
24. I took voice lessons for a year+ about 3 years ago. One of those life goals, and I was glad for the experience. I've always loved to sing but wanted to develop my voice more and it was accomplished. It's amazing what warming up does! :)
25. I'm pretty laid back. I love people and if I could go back to school I would take Psychology and become a therapist.

Dresser Restored

I finally have something to blog about! My friend, Nicole, told me about this product called "Restor-A-Finish" to refinish my kitchen cabinets. I bought the "maple-pine finish" and tried it on one of our cabinets and it was too dark (boo) so I thought I'd try it on my pine dresser. Wow! It restored it like new, so I thought I'd post some pics so you could see!

Here's what my dresser looked like before. The first drawer has been refinished (I didn't think about taking a pic until I had done one drawer!) But notice the nicks in drawer 2 and down. The curtains were open so there's more sunlight in the room on this pic.

Now look at the dresser all restored...it looks like new, doesn't it?! (Now the curtains are closed so the dresser looks darker..but it's the same one :)

Here's another picture, isn't that fabulous?! I can't wait to do the other dresser I have which is worse. (When Andrew was 5 or so, he and his friend "engraved" their names into the other dresser...so it is really banged up..it wasn't funny at the time) I waited for a few days before posting this to see if the finish would wear off and the knicks would come back, but now it's day 3 and the dresser looks just like these pics. I am in love with this product. It only took me about 30 minutes to do this project. I wore rubber gloves and used an old rag and that's it. It's my first time doing something like this, so I'm not a pro...that says even more about how easy this is. If I can do it, anyone can!