Accepting What I Don't Like

There are two types of change:
1) Change that happens/doesn't happen depending on what I do or don't do.
2) Change that happens no matter what.

This post is about the first type of change. I need to take steps and do all I can to keep things the same or they'll change and be different. (Just because something's been the same way for many years doesn't mean it can't change; it takes very little to change if there's no resistance.) My statement is vague. "Of what does she speak?" can be said. My statement is vague because it applies to any situation that faces change.

Sometimes I don't want change but it happens right before my eyes because change was stronger than my resistance. I don't like change; I want most things to stay the same. (I like variety but I don't like change.) I may want something different but when too much changes I don't like it and want the old thing back, but usually it's too late because it already changed.

I'm not sure where this post is going. Sometimes I'm for evolution and sometimes I'm not. I believe in progress but I guess I don't like change when it affects me. Could it be that I don't like change because of fear of the unknown? Or perhaps could it be that I don't like change because I believe the change will bring it down and make it not good?

I'm on one side and they're on the other - I believe this and they believe that - we're at an impasse -  we don't agree - if I walk away from the argument, the other side wins - what to do. Sometimes all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say, "It is what it is" and know someone else is in charge. When someone else is in charge the only thing I can do is support them (just like I'd want support if it was me). If it changes then the only thing to do is accept it, not be railroaded and move on.

Doing It Again and Again

There is something comforting in the word 'consistency'. The dictionary says this:

1. a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc. (The liquid has the consistency of cream.)

2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc. (There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.)

3. agreement, harmony, or compatibility, especially correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing. (consistency of colors throughout the house.)

4. the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness.

 

When I think of 'consistency' I think of:

1. doing the same thing every time
2. the stars and how they're always in the same place in the sky

I'm a creature of habit and do the same things again and again (have the same morning routine, follow recipes, go to the same places, take the same ride). If I want to achieve a goal it doesn't help to do different things - follow one course until successful, right?!

Avoiding Subtle Traps

Control
What I want so much is to be heard and understood. I've learned that everyone hears and understands in their own way. When I am open to knowing about being heard and understood the way they hear and understand me it expands my mind. Everyone is free to be themselves and they don't have to do it my way. I truly believe a subtle trap is control.

Hiding
When first having MS symptoms I felt greatly exposed and wanted to hide. I felt ashamed about needing others to do for me what I couldn't (sweep my floor, make my bed, clean my house.) When others helped me I learned 1) it's humbling to me and 2) they show their love. I've had MS for a while so I'm used to having help. I ask myself, "If I never needed their help would I have seen their love?" I truly believe a subtle trap is wanting to hide - letting other's believe I don't need help when I do.

Dishonesty
It takes great courage and honesty to admit private and imperfect things (some people call them weaknesses.) Some things are swept under the rug and no one knows about them but who is affected by dishonesty? I am ... it's my character trait that says 'dishonest'. I've heard the statement "The truth hurts" and believe the statement is a subtle trap - dishonesty is what hurts ... the truth liberates.

Drama
Getting caught in drama is like being extremely close to the fire and not realizing being cooked. I find a great sense of relief by stepping away from the drama and remembering that it'll work out. Letting myself get worked up, worry, be angry or say something mean shows the kind of person I am. It's a subtle trap to keep me focused on unimportant things so I miss what's actually important.

All these things are subtle and I want to recognize subtle traps and avoid them.

Kindness Begins with Me

A person can never be too kind, I truly believe that. It's easy to be kind to a nice person, but it takes effort to be kind to some people. Some people are rude, unloving, mean or disrespectful but that's how they are ... I'm kind to everyone. Call me 'Pollyanna' - a girl who's always nice - but what's the alternative? Being mean to some people, no thank you! I want to develop my personality into the things I want to be ... and 'mean' isn't one of them. When I feel to be mean it takes self-control not to do it (behave the way my instinct tells me), but when I have self-control then later I have no regrets. I love the words to this song:

Kindness Begins with Me
I want to be kind to everyone
For that is right, you see.
So I say to myself, "Remember this:
Kindness begins with me."

McMaster, Clara W. "Kindness Begins with Me". 1969. Children' Songbook. 145.

Being Strong in Hard Times

As I've faced something hard the thing that's helped me most is being strong. I think it's better to suck it up and be brave than to stay sad and exclaim the unfairness. Life is unfair - but I'd rather lift by saying, "You can do it" and put a smile on my face than drag down by saying, "You're weak. You failed" and wearing a scowl.

I may not like the thing but it's up to me how to respond. A little optimism makes a world of difference. I make myself happy because I'd rather be happy than sad. I've had plenty of things happen to make me sad but I choose to be strong and not only survive but not get defeated.

My goal when facing something hard is to overcome it and once again just be myself. Like I've said before, "I'm not my trial" I'm me ... my trial doesn't define me, I do. I'm not a victim to the things in my life but determine where and who I am in spite of what happens to me.

My New Life

I will continue to update my blog just no post it on Facebook. Facebook was a way for me to reach out to my friends and stay connected to them. I'll still use Facebook but as everyone else does: just posting random things and updating my status here and there. My focus turns to finishing my book about trials and publishing it. After the success of that book, I'll have my books about the eagle, the crab, and the bird illustrated and published.

I look back to five years ago - when first getting sick - how uncomfortable being in the spotlight, calling myself a writer, accepting help, accepting kindness, being nice to myself, and many more things felt. I wanted all those things but just wished for them - not actually believed they'd happen. I  truly believe that I got frustrated often because my thinking was changing and it caused me to change. Now I'm comfortable with those things.

I'm at a crossroad again, staring at the blank canvas of my life - my new normal - and looking out at the open field while wondering where to go. This time I don't feel frustrated or scared, but like an 18 year old person who just graduated from high school and feels the excitement of making their life whatever they will. I go forward with faith and 45 years worth of experience to make my life something wonderful.

What Now?

Now that my trial no longer defines me I ask myself, "What Now?" I'm reminded of what Gandalf said to Bilbo in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Gandalf said to Bilbo, "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure". Bilbo, an upstanding hobbit who always followed rules and never went against the grain, said it wasn't him. Gandalf said, "It'll be good for you". Bilbo learned about the adventure and asked Gandalf if he could guarantee that he'd come back. (This is the line in the movie that stood out to me) Gandalf said, "No. And if you do you will not be the same".

I relate those words to my trial because it has changed me. I, like Bilbo, am back from my adventure and looking around ask, "Now that I'm back, what now?" I don't have frustrating things to lament about. I'm not surrounded by drama. I'm just a regular person doing regular things. "What now?" I ask myself. The answer is, "Slip back into obscurity and live my life".

I like to write and be the center of attention. I appreciate those who have supported, sustained, and lifted me when I was down. I've been a bird with a broken wing. I needed loving people in my life and I got them. But like a lighthouse light that keeps moving, the spotlight is off me and so I end my story. Good news: I'm still here and plugging away, just like you, at life.

Before and After Sinning

I love this journal entry
April 28, 2007

I’ve been thinking about where I’d be if I didn’t have Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost and the gospel in my life. I’d be a vile person full of darkness and sin. I’d be imprisoned by my sins, bound by no self control. I’d be carnal and full of mischief.

I have weaknesses that would have spiraled out of control and consumed my life. I’d be a slave to my weaknesses today if it weren’t for the goodness and mercy of Jesus Christ - if it weren’t for the fact that I know I’m not vile – I’m a divine daughter of God with beauty and purity. I happen to be living in a fallen state, in a fallen world. I am susceptible to my weaknesses and sin and only one person can save me from myself – the Lord Jesus Christ – He is my master. I will follow him forever and he walks with me.

I am not and never will be free from sin in this lifetime. I try to live with purity and keep the commandments. I pray, read the scriptures, and live by faith and good works. But inevitably I will sin. I will again fall and give in to my weaknesses.

Before sinning
Something happens. It consumes me and my thoughts until I must give in. Amidst the darkness – a light – a fleeting thought. No. Stop. You mustn’t.

After sinning
I stop. I retreat. I hide. How could I give in? This is not my true nature. Time goes by. Guilt. Sorrow. Remorse. And then the thought, where would I be without God? I’d be stuck here! Oh God, help me. Save me. I am not vile. I give my life to thee. Save me from myself. Save me from this fallen state. Reflection.

“Awake! My soul. No longer droop in sin.”

“The Lord is my shepherd ~ I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his namesake!
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
- I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over!
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord.
Forever.”

“Why should I put my trust in the arm of the flesh or make flesh my arm?
I know in whom I put my trust.
Oh Lord, wilt thou encircle me in the robes of thy righteousness?
Wilt thou remove the stumbling block from before me and place a stumbling block before my enemy?
Thou art my rock and my everlasting God.”

Sunlight. A new day. Peace.
A beckoning, “Come unto me.”
Warmth. Forgiveness. Love.

Resolve
“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

My thoughts
I experienced this today. This experience is very enlightening. First, my weakness didn’t consume me – it didn’t defeat me. I didn’t hide from God even though I felt ashamed and disappointed. Second, an interesting thought came into my mind as I reflected, “I’m not vile – I’m divine. I’m a daughter of God.” I’ve never had so much faith. I cannot write 1/10 of what I feel – the words escape me. But the Lord is my shepherd.

My Thankful Heart

Reading words from the old me
Yesterday, I read my journals from ten and five years ago. Reading my thoughts from those years brought back memories of how I was - what I thought, what I did, what others did and what people said to me. I see how the me today is so different from the me then.

My old thought patterns
My trial has been extremely hard and has pushed me to my limit, but I can look back after having read my words yesterday and see many good things. I used to be so unsure. I talked a lot about my weight. Several times I mentioned the hold food had on me. I had a negative voice in my mind that I believed. And I thought incorrectly about many things. Life is hard and over time those things became very pronounced on the inside even though I seemed to have much control over my life on the outside.

In some ways I seemed to have a charmed life, but in certain ways my inner self was crumbling. Many times perfectionism caused me to feel lonely and cry to myself in my bedroom. Several times my insecure mind got the best of me. On more than one occasion my incorrect thinking caused much turmoil and heartache.

My new thought patterns
Getting MS turned my world upside down and frustrated me immeasurably. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I will feel and see the effects of it. But as I look back over the years since getting sick I see many blessings including that I'm a lot more strong and sure outside and in, food and weight don't have a hold on me, I don't listen to the negative voice in my mind (when I got sick and for years the negative voice didn't exist), I'm less rigid, I'm much more loving, and I think correctly.

Thankful inside and out
Trials don't last forever. I'm thankful for the things that have improved me. In reading my words of yester years I read much anger but now I feel great peace. I'll never go back to the person I was. Even though I have a challenge, I see good things ahead. Not all of my road from then was rocky; many good experiences were also recorded. I'm thankful to look back but I'm more thankful to look ahead.

2nd Day in a Row, Baby!

Again I got up early, made my bed and did the dishes. (This time Per had already cleaned most of the dishes, but I washed the pots and did it nonetheless!) I remember hating to do dishes and if I had to do it every day I'd still hate it, but today I'm grateful that I had the energy to do it!

I look at being able to get up early, make my bed and do the dishes as a miracle. It's been six years since I had the desire or energy to do it! I never thought I'd say that I felt happy to clean, but you miss things once you can't do them. You know me, I'm a religious person, and I thank God for this gift!

Reflections on "How Great Shall Be Your Joy"

I've always heard the scripture about "how great shall be your joy" equated to missionary work. (Implying that if you spend all your life doing missionary work and only bring one soul to Heavenly Father how great shall be your joy. And if your joy is great with one soul imagine how great your joy will be if you bring many souls to Him.)

A few verses before the "how great shall be your joy" scripture the Lord says, "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I can see how every soul is great to God because every soul is his child. I relate to God in my small way - I'm a parent and each of my children is infinitely important to me, so I understand why he said that.

Last week I attended the temple and did work for someone else because I did work for myself 20 years ago. At home I thought about how I helped a soul get what they need to live in Heavenly Father's presence. It occurred to me that I've been endowed in the temple for 20 years and have helped many souls get what they need. The scripture about "how great shall be your joy" crossed my mind and made me realize that when I meet those souls in heaven it will indeed be joyous!

It's joyous to bring souls to the gospel and equally joyous to help them get what they need. I believe the "how great shall be your joy" scripture doesn't just apply to missionaries but it applies to everyone.

"How Great Shall Be Your Joy"
15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! 16 And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! - D&C 18:15-16

Just Me

Being Jade (not Jade with MS) lets me say who I am: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest. I see the value of my story of the crab, that I'm just me.

The trial of having MS is hard, sometimes I wish for things I used to have, but if the Lord wants me to have this trial then I'll have it ... knowing that it's not forever; in eternity I'll be whole. The important thing in this life is to progress and improve; I can truly say that my trials make me do that. I may metaphorically kick and scream at first because I don't like it but after a while I get perspective and can see the good that came from it.

Let me not get distracted or derailed by my trial but remember that my goal is to become like my Father in Heaven. Polishing hurts as the dross is removed from me, but in the end it make's me brilliant and beautiful. I imagine me starting out as a rock and resulting in a diamond. The refining, chipping, and shaping are my trials and it helps me to remember the end result.

I'm Not My Trial

I met a guy who got in a serious accident while in High School. He had many injuries and for the rest of his life will be disabled. Five years after his accident, it makes him want to travel around to high schools and encourage kids to be smarter than him at that age. I believe if I talked to him in ten years he would still tell me the same story (that would have happened many years ago) and it would still be the center of his life.

In thinking about that guy it occurs to me that I don't want to make my MS the center of my life. I don't want to only refer to lessons learned from having MS because I've learned lessons from other trials too. Granted, having MS is my hardest trial but it's not my only trial nor is it the only trial that has taught me.

The guy's trial is hard and I don't diminish it in any way. All I'm saying is that I'm me and not my trial. For a time my trials ARE me, but eventually I let go of them and become just me again.

My Theory About Social Experiments on TV

Per heard a TV executive say, "If you want people to change their minds, have them pity the thing". I believe it's true and add 'and like the people'. Pity it, like the people, and change views. I think the following TV shows are experiments to get people to change views:

1. SISTER WIVES. Real intention: Get people to change views on traditional marriage. Most people think polygamy is wrong but will soften views on traditional marriage because of liking the family. (TLC)

2. THE PEOPLE'S COUCH. Real intention: Get people to embrace things shunned (swearing, certain TV shows). A lot of people think conservatively, but because shows are shocking and the cast (people watching the shows) are liked and new shows are watched out of curiosity. Once a new show is watched it keeps being watched partly because the cast watches the show and they are liked. (BRAVO)

3. GLEE. Real intention: Get people to embrace things shunned (i.e. Teen pregnancy, teenage drinking, homosexuality, etc.). The characters on this show are likable, felt sorry for, and pitied. (FOX)

4. THE REAL HOUSEWIVES. Real intention: Get people to think money and the one's who have it are bad. The housewives are catty and full of drama. They act incorrectly and they also have money. The Real Housewives are watched because they do shocking things, but the idea is that money makes them evil. (BRAVO)

5. DUCK DYNASTY. Real intention: Get people to believe religious people are hillbillies. The cast do the outrageous then end every show with a family dinner and prayer. The show exploits the cast and mocks religious people. (A&E)

TV Shows these days have agendas. TV Executives want to get viewers and some also want to change public opinion. (Changing public opinion seems to work: some of the things once shunned are now accepted.) My Estimation of the ultimate real intention: Get people to turn away from conservatism. I won't be persuaded to change my views, and I hope when some shows are watched that reality is realized.

Time is on My Side

I'm thankful for time - hear me out! Without time I'd have to BE right now. Time allows me to learn and grow. In thinking about all the things I want to be (patient, kind, loving, merciful, etc.) I see how far I have to go. (At least with time I can continue to grow.)

The ways I want to be gives me things to work on and stay out of life's drama. There are some things I can't control so why even get involved and just get upset? I choose to only focus on the things within my power and I'm grateful to have time to focus on those things.

Comfort and Help Surely Come

I've been comforted as I've dealt with my challenge-that's been very hard. I lived almost 40 years as a well person and knew what I could and couldn't do. Six years ago when I got sick a new symptom happened almost every day. By the end of Summer I couldn't do a lot of things and felt very frustrated. I felt like maybe Heavenly Father was punishing me. I felt scared that I might die. The Holy Ghost put a thought in my mind to stop thinking of dying and instead to think about how it could be worse. He comforted me and I felt His presence letting me know, "It'll be okay".

I know that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost love me. They want the best for me and don't punish me but want me to learn and be all I can. Hard things are sometimes scary. Sometimes they're maddening and frustrating. Sometimes they're sad. I truly believe whatever the hard thing is it's best to trust Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost to give the help and comfort needed.

My Computer is Dead!

Technology is both a blessing and a curse. It's a blessing because I have access to many things. It's a curse because I'm so attached to it. I'm willing to wait until Per gets home (three days) and hopefully fixes it. That means I have no computer until then and my blog posts for at least the next three days will be done from my iPad.

It's kind of a relief to have no computer because my time and attention turn to other things instead of me sitting at my computer giving my time and attention to things that don't really matter.

I like being connected to people on Facebook but without my computer I can still be connected by the telephone. Granted, I only stay in touch with my friends and even though Facebook calls people my 'friends' are they really or just acquaintances?

Having no computer gives me a dose of reality. I remember life before Facebook and even technology ... Life when we did things with people, not just chatted with them on FaceTime ... Life when we talked to a physical person, not just texted them ... Life when we had experiences, not just pinned wished experiences to our board.

When I think about it certain technology makes me isolated and lonely. I'm glad that my computer died because if it hadn't I wouldn't have thought about this. Having no computer makes me think this, connect with people in person.

My Reflection of the 23rd Psalm

Yesterday at church, in Sunday School we focused on the Psalms. The teacher talked about the 23rd Psalm and since it's my favorite, and I like to look deeply at things, I take it a step further:

To me, this Psalm has three parts: 1) v. 1-3-Declaring who he trusts. (It reminds me of the Psalm of Nephi [2 Nephi 4:17-35] where Nephi says I know in whom I have trusted [2 Nephi 4:19].) David talks about how the Lord restored his soul. 2) v. 4-5-The Lord comforts him through trials. It's interesting that he says 'the Lord' but in trials he says 'Thou' - when not facing a trial he can handle life and the Lord steps back (the Lord) but during a trial it gets personal and the Lord gets close-he's right there (Thou) until he can handle life again, then once more the Lord steps back (the Lord). 3) v. 6-Again, declaring who he trusts.

David put his trust in the Lord. He messed up with Bathsheba and indicated how the Lord comforted him in his trial. Once again he declared that he put his trust in the Lord.

The Lord is merciful to us even when we make mistakes. He doesn't leave us when we do wrong but stays with us, comforts us and encourages us to do better-he is our forever friend (I think His love makes us want to repent and try again to do the correct thing). David putting his trust in the Lord at all times inspires me and increases my faith to do the same.

The 23rd Psalm
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

It Used to Frustrate Me But Now It Doesn't

As I look back at my journal entries from the past week I see that I learned a lot about myself. Experiences that felt hard told me how I am. I'm reading a book ("Not My Will, But Thine") by one of my favorite people, Neal A. Maxwell, and he said that experiencing trials is a part of life that tell us how we are. He quoted Hebrews 5:8 that says, "Though he were a son, yet learned he obedience by the things he suffered." Even Jesus learned from his trials.

I've learned that my trials refine me and make me closer to my "real" self. I understand and feel the same way as Paul when he said, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities ... for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9) When my trial frustrated me I couldn't say, "I take pleasure in this", on the contrary I said, "I don't like this!" and "This sucks!" But because time has gone by and because I've accepted my fate I'm willing to see my trial in a different way and can see things that benefit me. My heart feels at peace now and I see the world around me not just my trial. I feel lucky that I had an intense five year learning experience. Even though my trial goes on I consider the good side of it ... that it teaches me.

Is It Actually What It Seems?

Drama surrounds me and I'm tempted to get involved but I won't. Instead I'll step back and look at the big picture of what matters. Stepping back gives me perspective. I don't want to be so close to the forest that I can't see the trees. It's not helpful to see only right in front of my face.

The old me used to blame myself for other people's drama. On the outside I appeared very sure but on the inside felt crushed by mean words and actions. Now I'm only one way - the same outside and in. The new me says, "Let those who want drama in their lives have it. I'll be over here." I recognize drama but try my best not to get involved.  A lot of people like drama, they feel useful; what they actually like is solving problems. I say, "Let's solve problems and leave the drama alone".

Goodbye For a Week, My Love

I psych myself up to have bravery today when Per leaves at 1:00PM to drive to the airport. He's traveled ever since we've been married so I'm used to him being gone but he's always home on the weekends. When he travels internationally he's always gone over the weekend. The next couple of months will be busy for him as he goes for a week to China, home for a week and a half, then goes for a week to Dubai, home for a week and a half, then goes for a week to Japan, home for four days, then goes to his home office in NC.

He's leaving today but I look forward to talking to him on Skype when he goes to another country. He'll be home soon but when he travels to a foreign land we have the next best thing - video chat.

I'm happy for him that he provides a valuable thing to his company. I'm glad that what he does makes him happy. I'm thankful that his job provides for our family. In this day and age, I'm thankful that he has a job! I love him and wish him safe travels.

People are Awesome!

I love the story of  'The Starfish'
Once upon a time, a wise man used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day while walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself while thinking of of someone dancing to the day, and walked faster to catch up. As he got closer, he noticed the figure of a young man, and that what he didn’t dance at all. The young man would reach down to the shore, pick up small object, and throw it into the ocean.

The wise mad came closer to the young man and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one." -Loren Eiseley

Everyone matters
I love knowing that while I can't make a difference to everyone I can make a difference to someone. The thought of me affecting one person's life gives me great joy. Every single person is important and matters a lot; and my best effort goes to helping them.

I love people and want to see them happy
Isn't it ironic that I laugh or cry when seeing someone do the same? In a way, my emotions are tied to theirs. When someone smiles the first instinct is to smile back; in a way, everyone's emotions are tied to everyone else's. Knowing 'in a way I'm tied to them' makes me want to lift and inspire them to reach for the stars.

My Theory About Society

(This is from an American perspective) For most of the 80's America had a conservative president and society was appropriate. Inappropriate things started to show on TV (violence, rudeness) but the norm was 'appropriate'. Americans equated success with money and America appeared successful. Underground, a few social groups pointed out the poorness of other countries, the cruel treatment of animals, and how 'greedy capitalists' were ruining the environment-especially the rain forest. The social groups were viewed by many people as extreme.

For most of the 90's America had a non-conservative president. Some people turned away from conservatism to the inappropriate. More extreme things were liked (Roseanne, Jerry Springer). A few social groups caused change in the way we talked (political correctness), the way we treated animals (dolphin-safe, PETA-vegetarian), and the way we treated the environment (EPA-protect the spotted owl and the wetlands).

For most of the 2000's America had a conservative president. More people (than in the 90's) liked inappropriate things and didn't like the conservatism of the president; they bashed him and criticized him harshly. Things became even more extreme. Some people wanted to re-define the word 'appropriate'.

From 2010 to now America has a non-conservative president. Many people have turned away from conservatism to embrace what they once considered inappropriate. A lot of extreme things are liked (on TV, in magazines, and on the internet). Social groups are no longer underground and in some cases seem to run society (instead of government). Money is not equated with success but equated with evil and greed. Truly, good is bad and bad is good.

I'm not a social analyst but it doesn't take a degree to notice the direction of the world. In my non-professional opinion (based on the last few decades) society will get more extreme. It's a distraction designed to keep me focused on things over which I have no control and stop me from focusing on things over which I DO have control: my character.

I look at the last few decades of history and say, "I won't get distracted. I'll focus on my character and ignore the direction of the world. I know where I want to go and what it takes to get there. I won't let society get me off course."

It's Not What I Wanted to Hear but It Helped

Recently, I felt offended and a little insulted. It caused me to never want to see that person again. I thought about it and my rational mind said, "It's your pride and ego that hurt. Swallow your pride and show love because that's how you are". Part of me felt like a little girl who clenches her fist, straightens her arm and stubbornly says, "I don't want to", but the loving part of me said, "Okay, I will".

It's hard to swallow my pride and show love to someone who didn't show love to me but loving is how I am and therefore I show love even when others don't. (I say it's how I am because it's how I want to be. If I just say I want to be it, I'll never be but only wish. I say 'I am' but sometimes (out of instinct) 'I am not'-just keepin' it real :)

I could quote the scripture about loving your enemies but I won't. Instead I'll just say that I'm trying with the hope that one day I'll be.

Not Two Ways, Just One

Before getting MS I wanted everything to be perfect including me, my house and my family. Getting MS hit me so hard that all I could do was -focus on getting better and -focus on the things important to me. I let a lot of things in my life go - including appearances - and figured WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get).

Yes, I felt like people could see through me because I didn't hide anything. I couldn't hide my emotions even if I tried and felt greatly exposed. I used to say that I had no filter but now I know it's called PBA (uncontrollable laughing or crying). Most people can mask their feelings (not show when they feel like crying or laughing) but I can't; if I see someone laughing or crying I do the same. When I laugh too hard I start crying and that's why I don't joke anymore (even though I have a sense of humor). I look emotionless because I'm trying to hold it together and not lose it; I'm trying to maintain some kind of control over myself.

Yesterday, I bore my testimony in church. I got up and said things "off the cuff" and let the holy spirit guide me. Upon sitting down that all too familiar voice in my mind said that what I said was crap. The old me used to listen to that voice and believe it's damning words. I fell in line with the old me because when a few people told me they liked my testimony the old me shrugged off their compliments and disbelievingly said, "Really?" For the rest of the time at church I acted and felt insecure.

I'm not a person who thinks quickly (I call it "off the cuff"), I have to think about it for a while and let my rational mind kick in or else I'll just lash out with pure emotion. I thought about me acting insecure at church and realized, that's not me. My faith crushes doubts and insecurity.

One of the biggest blessings of me getting MS is that I used to be two ways (1-what the world saw, appearance, outer, 2-the real me, the unseen, inner), and now I'm just one way (the outer and inner me are the same). I want to be only one way. I strive to overcome my faults but I'm not perfect and have weaknesses (i.e. insecurity). The good news is that after my weakness shows I think about it and decide if it will remain.

In the case of insecurity, it will not remain. I am confident and sure and cross the point of no return leaving insecurity behind. It feels scary to be what I haven't always been in the past but I believe in myself, know God sustains me and act.

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. -Matthew 6:24

This scripture crosses my mind as I consider how I used to be two ways but now I'm just one way. Regarding insecurity I give myself a pep-talk and tell myself this, "Dare to be real. Have the faith to act knowing that sometimes acting is going into the unknown. Don't give in to your weaknesses but run the show, be in the lead, take charge. You're strong and you can do it."

Going For My Dreams

 

"The moment one definitely commits oneself,

Then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one

That would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,

Raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents

And meetings and material assistance

Which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now."

The statement (on a plaque I purchased several years ago) to make a decision, to be committed, is so true. The automatic thought is to think the worst; an effort has to be made to think the best (for example the automatic thought is "maybe it will suck" instead of "maybe it will be good".) I totally believe that all sorts of [good] things occur when someone has the courage to not only decide (for example thinking "maybe it will be good" instead of "maybe it will suck") and trying.

The above statement says a lot of words that could make a person say, "Huh?" More to the point:

Commit yourself, decide, and

Believe that good things lie ahead.

Many good things will happen in your favor.

Have the courage to go for your dreams.

Decide and Do It now.

Putting It Into Perspective

"Once there was a little bird who decided to stay in the north for the winter. The weather soon turned cold. The bird reluctantly decided to fly south. Ice began to form on his wings. Almost frozen, he fell to earth in a pasture. A cow wandered by and crapped on the little bird. Our feathered friend thought it was the end, but the manure was warm and defrosted his wings. Warm, happy, and able to breathe he started to sing. Just then a cat came by. Hearing the chirping he investigated. The cat cleared away the manure, found the singing bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story is: The one who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. The one who pulls you out of a pile of manure is not necessarily your friend."

I love that story, it's so true! To me it puts burdens in perspective and causes me to think that maybe my burden isn't just bad, maybe it's also good. My burden is awful...but when I look at it in another way it's helpful. I'm not so close to the forest now (my burden) that I can once again see the trees. I've had my MS diagnosis for almost six years and can now look at it objectively. It doesn't hurt me like it did even last year. (Maybe time needs to give distance between a person and their burden, because if the person is still mad they don't want to hear reason but feel support.)

I don't want to tell anyone how to think or feel, I just say that for me I can now look at my burden objectively. When I feel sad or mad I do things that make me happy. Maybe I watch a good movie, talk to a friend, listen to nice music, read an uplifting book, write, go to lunch or take a ride. Whatever I do distracts me for that time from the reality of my burden. I'm my true self and not handicapped at those times. I endure my burden and today feel happiness.

God Bless America

Today is the American Independence Day - the 4th of July. I love my country and thank the many hero's throughout history that fought to defend our liberty and make us free. Today, I celebrate with a barbecue, watermelon, and fireworks!

• This rendition of the American national anthem, The Star Spangled Banner, is sung in a minor key and I think the song is stirring: Click here

• This song, America the Beautiful, has touching words and images: Click here
• I love The Battle Hymn of the Republic and (to me) this version is really good!: Click here
• This song God Bless the U.S.A. is the way I feel too: Click here

In Helping People I Help Myself

Someone out there needs help. Granted, I probably need help, but somehow problems seem diminished when helping someone else. What's more, usually an understanding of how to solve a problem comes when helping someone else. What's even more, usually blessings are counted after seeing their problem and often the thought is, compared to their problem I'll take my own.

I'm not saying problems are great, they aren't-they suck! All I'm saying is that everybody has them and it feels better to help someone else than to just sit and sulk. I say to myself, "Don't be Debbie Downer-who's always down in the dumps, instead pull yourself up by the bootstraps-put a smile on your face-wipe your tears-and go do something nice for someone else. I promise, you'll feel better".

I can promise it because I've seen it happen. I've been sad, but my sadness felt less when I did something nice for someone else. Today, I'm 45 years old, have my share of problems, and yet feel happy. I don't cry for help, but if I did someone would kindly and lovingly come.

I love the words to this song:

Not too Far From Here

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord
Not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest
While those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds
The road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To ev'ry needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here 

Being a Good Person

Enoch

Overcoming the world means gravitating to good people. I won't focus on the world's problems but on being the kind of person to withstand God's presence. I won't say, "This or that is unfair" but instead say, "Let's be the kind of people to live in Zion." I'd rather rally the troops to be righteous than point out worldliness. Worldliness is the inevitable - it's the direction of the world, but I won't be one of the millions that follow the world. Instead I'll follow my Savior.

I Love My Friends!

Friends are the best! I love this statement: 'A friend knows how you are and loves you just the same'. In thinking about my friends, I know that statement is definitely true. I'm a girl who says many words - some might call me a babbling brook. To continue the water analogy my husband is a still lake - he says things in few words. Thankfully, two things have saved me (and him): 1-my journal and 2-my friends.

My journal allows me to "talk" as much as I want and never gets tired of hearing my thoughts. I can write as much as I want and like a pet who just listens it never says anything. That's where my friends come in. As well as being completely myself around them, they listen to me and then we discuss. I love discussions where we all say what we think and sometimes they expand my mind! Again, I'll say it, "Friends are the best!"

(About me: I've always been a deep thinker, as well as one who contemplates and is philosophical. I think about topics and always have something to say when the topic is discussed.)

Regarding friends, this poem is in my High School scrapbook from 30 years ago and at 45 years old I still find this true:

Friendship

Are new friends who are worthy of friendship, to be preferred over old friends? The question is unworthy of a human being, for there should be no surfeit of friendships as there are other things; and, as in the case of wines that improve with age, the oldest friendships ought to be the most delightful; moreover, the well known adage is true: “Men must eat many a peck of salt together before the claims of friendship are fulfilled.”

~Cicero, De Amicita