Never Quit Trying

I could be somewhere today, and get hit by a bus - all that can be said is that my life is over. I believe that if I want to do something, or go somewhere, or be something I need to make a plan to do it - then try my best to make it happen as soon as possible. I don't want to just wish and hope for the best, but really try to make my dreams come true.

I remember watching a reality show and thinking, I'm sitting here watching someone else live their life. I think reality shows are fine, but not to the point that I don't do anything and am satisfied with just watching somebody else do it. There are things that I see that I don't want to do myself, but sometimes the things I see give me motivation to do it, or go there, or be that, and I believe that I need to do all that I can to make my dream a reality. 

I watch certain movies, read specific books, and imagine myself doing, going, and being what I watch and read. That's all fine and good, but if I only wish and never do, then I will always be sad that I didn't even try to make my wishes happen. I won't give up! I'm alive and capable of overcoming my fear. I vow to never quit trying until I quit breathing.

Marriage Doesn't Have to Include Divorce

I watched Susan Shapiro Barash give an interview about a book she wrote called, The Nine Phases of Marriage: how to make it, break it, keep it. During her interview she said, "Divorce is a part of marriage." I disagree with her statement and believe that divorce is only a part of marriage when there's no commitment to marriage. In my grandparents' time, people worked out their differences. Back in the day, when marriage became hard, people didn't throw in the towel but stayed together "for better or for worse."

A lot of people in today's world don't even get married because they are already committed to each other. But if a couple isn't married, what stops them from parting ways when things get hard? 

Sometimes bad behavior happens when a marriage becomes hard, including affairs and viewing inappropriate things on the Internet. Dishonest people cover-up their bad behavior by lying, which makes their marriage worse, because they have to deal with an additional thing (lying.) I'm for things that strengthen marriage including: honesty, fidelity, and selflessness. Marriage doesn't have to include divorce unless the partners give up.

Contentment (Happiness)

Recently, I heard someone talk about being content, and I appreciate their words. I haven't always felt the contentment that I feel now. I used to feel frustrated because I wished to have something that I didn't. I might have wished to live in another place, or to have another job, or for people to make the 'right' choices, or to earn more money, or to have different things. I thought, 'if only [something]' then I'd be happy.

Basically, I felt mad about what I didn't have, I didn't accept my life, and, frankly, I didn't want to. I wanted the thing I didn't have and I wouldn't be happy until I got it. I didn't know that accepting my life meant feeling happy about the things I did have, and being happy while trying to get what I wanted. Bottom line accepting my life meant counting my blessings, seeing the doughnut not the hole, and realizing that the cup was half full not half empty.

The speaker said there were two things that could make me unhappy: 1) Comparing myself to others, and 2) not forgiving. I see how those two things could hold me back from living my life, and keep me angry instead of happy. Hearing the speaker made me think of this:

First, when comparing myself to anyone else, I wish I had/did/could be what they have/do/are; I think,they're great and I suck. When they get a break, instead of feeling happy for them, I feel jealous. I truly believe this: They are my enemy and I hate them because I wish I was like them. (I would never admit that out loud, but in my heart it's how I feel.) When I only compare me to myself, I try to become improved. I don't hate myself or say, "I suck," but honestly tell myself the truth and strive to become better. I'm not perfect, sometimes I make mistakes, but as I learn from my mistakes I become improved. 

Second, when I don't forgive, it hurts me way more than it ever hurts them (if it even hurts them at all.) When I don't forgive them, I just replay the unfairness in my mind and feel justified in believing, "I'm right and you're wrong." If I would let the unfairness go, I would never think of it's sting and carry on with my life. Life isn't fair. After the unfairness blows over, I have a choice to make, will I 1) continue to be mad, or 2) let it go and be happy?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become bitter. I may feel justified, but every time I think about it, I'll get more mad. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the thing, but letting it go so that I'm free and not controlled. Forgiveness is truly for me not them; it is for my heart, not theirs. Nobody's perfect, somebody will eventually do something that hurts me. The question is, when they hurt me will I retaliate or mercifully let it go?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become arrogant. I will think of the unfair situation and wonder, 'How could they do that to ME?' I will tell myself that I won't forgive them unless they grovel at my feet and beg for mercy. I ask two things: 1) If the tables were turned, would I want to grovel? 2) If the tables were turned, wouldn't I want the other person to show me compassion? I hope I will be kind.

I believe what I heard about contentment, that unfair comparisons and non-forgiveness keeps me from feeling happy. I hope that I will -be happy for what others have, -only compare myself to me, -let unfairness go, and -be happy. I really loved hearing that talk.

Blueberry or Acai Berry

Per bought some cups of Greek yogurt at Sam's Club. The box contained two flavors: blueberry and superfruit (açai). If superfruit is based on flavor then I'd say it's  the blueberry because it isn't in the yogurt with anything else (açai is also with pomegranate and raspberry.) Perhaps açai doesn't taste good on its own (like the blueberry) and has to be paired with another flavor to make it palatable.

I just read about açai on Wikipedia and the açai berry comes from the açai palm. (The same tree from which hearts of palm are harvested.) The açai berry is mostly pit, which is ground into a pulp. (No wonder it doesn't taste good - we're eating pulp not berry!) Claims have been made about the fruit's antioxidant properties, but no claims have been scientifically proven. Studies have shown that açai has more potency than than cranberry, orange or apple, but not as much as pomegranate or blueberry. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia: 

The medical watchdog website Quackwatch noted that "açai juice has only middling levels of antioxidants - less than that of Concord grape, blueberry, and black cherry juices, but more than cranberry, orange and apple juices." The extent to which polyphenols as dietary antioxidants may promote health is unknown, as no credible evidence indicates any antioxidant role for polyphenols in vivo.

I think the açai berry is a fad. Many companies use it in false advertising. Based on what I just read, the blueberry is definitely still the superfruit.

Update to Following a Low-Fat Diet

I've been eating no red meat and low-fat foods for over five months now. In January I said it would probably take me a year to get used to this new way of eating. I think that it may take me a year to adjust in some ways but not in others. I am surprised at how quickly I got used to not eating red meat (beef, pork, and dark meat poultry) - maybe three weeks! I never missed eating red meat, but we had to remember to use ground turkey instead of ground beef. (We can't tell a difference between ground beef or turkey when the meat is in a sauce or covered with seasoning-for example spaghetti sauce, chili, taco soup, or taco meat.)

Ground turkey is actually quite good! It doesn't brown like beef, but if you make patties and coat them with bread crumbs (Panko bread crumbs taste good) the bread crumbs brown and the meat is moist. Per is a great cook and has made a lot of yummy things! Creativity is needed in cooking to avoid a rut.

I was worried about our Super Bowl snacks but we adjusted our menu to include low-fat yummy things and didn't miss the other things at all! (We didn't have a bacon explosion [sniff-sniff] but didn't mind not having the extra calories!) I didn't realize how poorly I ate until I started eating better. I've made different food choices starting in 2013 and physically have felt better - instead of tired or crappy - after eating.

My clothes are looser. I still wear the same size, but I truly think the changes in my diet have prevented me from gaining more weight. (I'm glad that I haven't had to buy a bigger size - I've worn the same size for over five years!) I truly think I was on a path to gain and my new diet stopped the direction.

The thing that is hardest to eat is low-fat. If I don't stay aware, the fat creeps back into my diet. I get lax about the foods I eat and what is the first thing that gets worse? Fat. I find myself eating fattening things - usually junk - and have to consciously tell myself to stop. Let's face it, fatty foods taste good! Let me face it, fatty foods stick to my body like glue! It's discouraging to know that I practically gain weight by looking at food! (Unfortunately for me) I don't have a high metabolism or a body that allows me to eat whatever I want without gaining an ounce. Luckily for me, I've had to watch what I eat my whole life so making a food change is not new to me. (It IS new to Per, however, because being a bean pole as a kid allowed him eat whatever he wanted without ever gaining a pound.) If I choose to eat a lot of fatty foods like butter, mayo, or sauce, I'll surely gain weight. I've eaten things then later wondered why I thought it was okay. Anyway, food seems to be my plight in life....but, I digress.

We eat a lot of ground turkey, chicken breast, and seafood. I haven't noticed a dramatic difference but I think the changes are subtle.

Women's Rights is Really Feminism

The word 'feminism' is now 'women's rights'. Feminism was in the 70's, but women's rights is today. It's a ploy that at it's core says, "Women don't need men." Women CAN do a lot of things that men can, but men want to do it and I say, "Let them! Let men be men. Let them be knights in shining armor, chivalrous, and the one who fights evil and saves the princess." They are programmed to take the lead and, frankly, women need to let them.

Women need to lay down their pride of thinking they need to be first, and let men do it. Men are being treated so unfairly by women, when they both need each other. Neither is better than the other - men aren't better because they are stronger, and women aren't better because they have charm - they each have things about them that draw them to the other. But people aren't willing to put up with weaknesses, and the person they once loved becomes the person they now hate.

I think a lot of divorce happens because they pridefully and selfishly say, "I don't need you" instead of working out their problems. Working it out takes a lot of humility and cooperation. We can't control what other people do, but we can control how we are. I ask, "Are we loving or bitter? Do we allow ourselves to get more angry at unfairness or do we let it go and move on?" We all choose how we act. Let's realize the evil trick, so we don't get sucked into the lies, and move on with our lives.

Inspiring Video

I saw this inspiring video, and wanted to post it: Inspiring Video

The video shows a veteran in a wheelchair who is trying to walk, a young girl at a dance audition, and a guy with a knee brace lining up to run a race. The video shows each of them doubting their abilities, but, regardless of the outcome, attempting to reach their goals. The song says, "Didn't always hear 'YES' as much as I heard 'NO' and later it says, "I can do anything". 

The video shows the guy in the wheelchair standing, the girl dancing, and the guy with the brace running. I don't know if they achieved their goals or not, but that's not really the point. The point is that they tried instead of regretting that they didn't.

The guy who sang the song has Autism, Asperberger's, OCD, ADD, and Tourette's Syndrome. He has many challenges, but he doesn't let his disabilities stop him from trying. He may fail, but the lessons he learns far outweigh the failures.

A lot of people don't try for many reasons; they're afraid they'll look stupid, they're afraid they'll fail, they're afraid people will laugh at them, they're afraid they'll get in over their head, and on, and on, and on. They let being afraid stop them. Yes they may look stupid, yes they may fail, yes people may laugh, yes they may be in over their head, but the important thing is that they try. They are smart and strong. When facing a challenge, they'll figure it out. (At least they can say, "I did it" even though they felt afraid.) 

People can do more than they believe. I hope that people will try even when they feel scared.

Sleeping In

I now know that it is impossible, where I live, to sleep in for these reasons: 1) The construction trucks (building a grocery store down the street, and widening the road behind my house) are quite loud and beep a lot, 2) Telemarketers call my phone (even though it's on several 'do not call' lists. Luckily, it doesn't ring in my room, but I can hear it ring in the kitchen and it still wakes me up,) and 3) People run lawn mowers. It's a musical symphony outside! Basically, it's not quiet.

My bedroom window is open because when the thermostat says 'heat', it gets really warm in my room (I'm talking REALLY warm!) I like my room to be cool (in the lower 60's) so 78 degrees, even with the ceiling fan on, isn't going to cut it! The noise outside is even more clear with my bedroom window open. Those three things weren't the first noises I heard this morning; the birds won when they started chirping at 530am. (Did you know that birds chirp at 330 in the morning? I thought their nest was in a nearby tree, but recently learned that it's in the gutter on my roof...by my bedroom window! Good times :)

I have a feeling that the majority of these noises are only going to be more prevalent as the weather warms. What will I do? Not sleep in!

My Attitude

I've been reading my online journal from the beginning (Jan 2009) to now. I'm a lot different now than back then! I see how sad and frustrated I felt because of the changes in my life (that came on suddenly-and stayed.) I didn't want to accept my illness - my trial, but, as a reality, had to. I see how angry I felt when I had learned some truths while writing my book. Five years have passed since my diagnosis, and now I feel much more accepting of my illness, less sad, less frustrated about my life, more authentic and truthful, and more accepting of people.

Did I experience depression or grief? I say that I grieved my loss. I never felt a black cloud hover over me, nor did I have a hopeless feeling that lingered. I felt great sadness for losing my abilities, and great frustration for wanting the past, but I didn't stay permanently sad and frustrated. I think that time has helped me to accept my fate, and optimism has helped me to see the good in a bad situation.

I've said, "This sucks!" many times. I've also learned things that have caused me to change and to cope. I think that acknowledging the crap but not having an eternally crappy attitude has helped me to continue to progress.

Long ago, I experienced depression. I felt a dark cloud hover over me and wrote sad poetry. I thought my life would always be my current experience. My depression didn't end until changes happened in my life - changes that felt like a light switch; my depression suddenly went away when my life changed, and then my attitude went from sadness to happiness. When my depression went away, I could see 'a light at the end of the tunnel,' and looked forward to the future instead of just letting my current life get me down.

When I compare my depression from long ago to how I feel now (as well as to ways I've felt over the last five years,) the feelings aren't the same. With my current trial, I've never felt myself spiral down to lingering sadness, even though I've felt very sad. For me, a blessing in my life was my shift in thinking, from feeling sadness and despair to feeling hope and gratitude. I have surely felt negative things, but have never lost hope nor gratitude - in fact those two things have helped me to endure my trial.

I could have sunk into depression five years ago when I felt scared and didn't know why things were happening, but a thought reminded me that it could be worse. I thought about the things that I had experienced (eye problems, walking problems) and felt grateful that my problems weren't worse! In the last five years, I've had many 'it could be worse' experiences that have caused me to feel gratitude instead of sadness. The shift in my thinking (to look for good instead of bad) has helped me tremendously!

I believe in hoping to receive my dreams as well as in honestly acknowledging my reality. I didn't wish to get sick in 2008, but I did wish for things in my life to change. My life may not be how I imagined it, but the blessings I've received far outweigh my current trial. I refuse to let myself go to a bad place - in my mind, or in any other way.