Life, Death, and Grieving

I existed before this life, and I will exist after; this life is not the only life in eternity. Granted, this life is important. Here, I receive a body, get married, have children, feel both good and bad, have experiences, and make choices. BUT, this life isn't my ONLY life.

My friend's husband recently died. She's grieving. I would never tell her to 'be happy' because she's sad. She needs friendship not judgment. No amount of anyone's happiness (including mine) will change her outlook, when her heart stops hurting long enough for her to even think of something other than her grief, then maybe she'll consider other things. 

My MS trial causes me to relate to her. I can relate to her because I know what it's like to grieve something that's gone; to grieve life being changed forever; and to grieve having to accept a 'new normal'. I know that grieving takes a while; I was sad for a long time, even years. I said, "This sucks!," and cried a lot. Only the passage of time caused my pain not to sting so bad. I didn't realize the reality of my attitude until when reading some of my early journal entries. Upon reading, I could hear sadness and frustration in my words, and could tell that I faced something hard. I don't know if it's possible for anyone not to be negative when initially facing adversity, but I do know that it's unrealistic and fake for anyone to force themselves to be happy when they're not. 

My friend needs time to grieve because she's facing something hard. I hope she won't grieve forever and never resume living her life. I hope that when the time is right, she will pull herself up by her metaphorical boot straps, and say, "Enough."  She had no control over stopping her hard thing from happening, but she does have control over her actions. Maybe it will ease her pain to hear a 'survivor' say that when their focus was on their ability (what they could control,) and not their trial, coping was easier.

Being sad forever, and never progressing in life isn't helpful in any way. It's of no help to replay, in my mind, memories that keep me sad. Life isn't fair. Not ever picking myself up, never moving on, staying depressed, or not ever progressing hurts me tremendously. I only have one life on earth, why would I choose to waste it being sad, angry, upset, depressed, or mad?

When I die, I don't want my loved ones who still live, to stop living their lives; I want them to live as if I had never died. In eternity, when we all look back at our earth lives, I hope we will see progression and have no regrets.

A Truth About Opposition

The adversary can only tempt, not force me. Perhaps this knowledge was obvious to some people but I had never thought about it. In considering it, I see how he uses bad feelings to keep me in his clutches. When I think bad things, I'm his. And when I think good things, he inflicts bad feelings until I think bad things, and am his once again. Thinking good things is not arrogant or prideful. How is telling myself 'I love you' prideful or arrogant? 

How convenient for the devil to say that he doesn't exist. When people believe that there's no hell, he wins. I'm good but he tries to convince me that I'm bad. He wants to bind me in the chains of my negative thoughts and drag me down to hell. Actually, he can only tempt, not force me, therefore, he can only whisper in my ear and make me feel bad. If I choose to believe his lies, I drag myself down to hell. I will choose to believe only the truth and think positive thoughts - even when I feel bad - and drag myself up to heaven.

Being religious isn't popular. In today's world a religious person is considered weak. Who instilled that idea?..Satan. He wants me to hate God and Jesus Christ, because he doesn't want me to choose them but to choose him. His fate has already been decided; and he lost. Lucifer (Satan, the devil, the enemy, the father of all lies) got kicked out of heaven; he and his followers were never born. He and his evil minions got sent to earth to cause me to choose good or evil, God or him, heaven or hell. I have the upper hand to him. I didn't get kicked out of heaven. I was born, but he's cunning. He knows me better than I know myself, because he remembers heaven and I don't. He knows that I was faithful and he wasn't. He whispers lies to me because he want me to believe him and take me away from God.

To some, this sounds unreal, because real is only what is seen. I disagree. Just because God, Jesus, and the Devil aren't seen doesn't mean that they don't exist. I realize that some people will think I'm just a religious kook who believes in a lie (They are the same kind of people who thought that Noah was a kook, even when the rain fell.) I don't really care if some people think I'm a kook. There will always be haters who only see the negative. I want to warn people not to fall into Satan's trap. I'm blatant. I say it like it is, and I'm not scared of the people who hate (bully.) People can choose to believe whatever they want.

When I choose the good and the positive, Satan doesn't like it. He's miserable and wants me to be miserable too. He is a liar, who may tell me what I want to hear, but he won't - absolutely won't - support me in the end. He whispers damning things in my ear, but I won't listen to him! I say, "I won't listen to you, Satan." 

Saying positive things but thinking negatively doesn't mean that I'm positive. (It means that I 'want' to be positive, but it's not necessarily true in my heart.) When I choose to think positively, my inside matches my  outside. I will think positive things - good things - not only say them. I will be authentic and avoid the enemy's trap.

Choosing Hope Not Sadness

When I feel bummed, I think "at least this." For example, I felt bummed that I can't speak well enough that my friend understands me...instead of feeling sad I thought, at least I can talk! Life isn't fair. I felt sad about many things today - things that if I focused on them, they would bum me out. I had to consciously choose to feel happy rather than sad today, and the 'at least' statement helped me do that. I counted my blessings; I thought about how at least it was this and not as bad as this.

I believe that the enemy wants me to be sad; he wants me to feel bummed. He doesn't want me to have hope, he wants me to say, "this sucks" and to see the worst. He's miserable and he wants me to be miserable too. I choose every day whether to get bummed or not. When I feel sad, I listen to good music, surround myself with good things, and think "at least."

A Few Memories of Gma and Gpa Gordon

I couldn't possibly mention ALL the memories I have of Gma and Gpa Gordon because there are simply too many. Here are a few interesting ones. When I think of them, I think of them at 320 N State St #10, Orem, UT 84057, the place that was "their house,"  not at the place where they lived just before they died.They lived in the trailer court - right on State Street  (between 2nd south and Center Street) - which had a lovely view of the mountains. It was the nicest trailer in the place. Perhaps other tenants considered them their grandparents too, because they were loving and watched out for everyone.

Their neighbor behind them, Kaye, was like family. They especially cared about her. She never married, and lived alone. Gpa mowed her lawn. Kaye, Gma, and I sang a trio in church once. We practiced the music several times at Kaye's house where she played our parts on her piano. For many years she taught English at Orem High (my high school) and also coached the cheerleaders. She came from Idaho. Her brother, Lynn, lived in a small trailer, on the other side of the road across from Gma and Gpa to the North. He had a cherry tree that produced the best bing cherries; big, juicy, and dark red-almost black.

I hated venison because I had only tasted gma's. It was bottled meat in a 1 qt jar. I thought everyone ate venison that way. I didn't like venison until I ate Monika's deer roast in Sweden - the most delicious roast I ever ate - not gamey at all.

Gma worked part-time (from 9-1) at the county assessor's office in Provo. She shared her job with her sister, Aileen. Many times after work she stopped somewhere and got a sandwich for Gpa's lunch.

They often called lunch "dinner" and dinner "supper".

I ate dinner/supper at their house countless times. When one piece of meat remained, Gpa would look at me and say, "Whomp that up."

Gpa called me his Little Miss America.

Family never rang the doorbell, but just walked into their house. Every time I came over one of them said, "There's my Jade honey." (I cry remembering how much they loved me.)

Gma taught me many camp songs like "I've been working on the railroad", "Hey, Look Me Over, Lend Me an Ear", "Side by Side", and "I stuck my head in a little skunks hole". Us kids sat in the back of Gpa's truck whenever we went somewhere and sang at the top of our lungs.

Gpa caught many trout in Provo River or at Strawberry Resevoir. Gma would fry up the fish after Gpa cleaned them. Their house smelled so good when Gma fried those filets.

Their house had two bedrooms, one on each end. In actuality, it was small. But everyone (their kids and grand-kids) gathered there. For me, the highlight of Christmas morning was at their house (when I saw everyone and we exchanged presents.) They had bbqs, birthday parties, and sleep overs there.

They were highly revered. Whenever someone new came into the family, they were taken to Gma and Gpa's and introduced.

I loved them.

Gpa, Lani, and Gma sitting in the big yard to watch me

1981. Lani, Jade, Mom, Gma, Kenneth, Maile

Gma and Mom in the 80's

Gpa and his Herculean trout

Little Jade and Gpa Gordon

Gma Gordon

Gpa Gordon (sitting in his spot: at the kitchen table by the window)

Gma Gordon, Jade, Mom (when Jade went to the temple for the first time)

Ken's (KJ's) First Bday
Kenneth John, Grandpa John Dean Gordon, Lani

Gma and Aileen at the county assessor's office

Grandma, Louise Clark Gordon

It Could Always Be Worse

Everyone experiences disappointment. In a hard situation, it could always be worse. 

- When I considered my trial, I thought, at least I'm not that guy.

- The person who has trouble walking might think, at least I have feet.

- The person with no feet might think, at least I have a body.

- The person with an imperfect body might think, at least I'm not paralyzed.

- The person who is paralyzed might think, at least I'm not dead.

I have a choice when I face something hard 1) see the good or 2) see the bad, be grateful or be angry, have a positive outlook (see the glass as half full) or have a negative outlook (see the glass as half empty.) My outlook determines my happiness.

This year marks five years that I've had MS. During that time, my disease hasn't gone away but has worsened. I could think of the awfulness of my reality, or I could think of the many good things that have resulted because of my illness. I'm not exempt from bad things happening to me. Yes, it sucks and I wouldn't choose it, but I have to admit that by looking on the bright side of my tragedy I have become improved.

I'm a religious person and believe that The Lord has strengthened me to endure my trial. I believe that He does what's best for each person in the eternal scheme of things. I wanted my life to be a certain way, but I'm willing to accept His way, knowing that He knows more than me and that He has my best interest in mind. 'I put my trust in Him,' so to speak.

The Lord has not removed my burden (much like he didn't remove Paul's 'thorn in his side',) but he has eased it in so many ways. For example, the negative voice in my mind is gone (it plagued me for years,) my family is closer, I learned correct thinking, and I learned the truth about some things. I'm grateful that many years ago the 'it could be worse' thought crossed my mind and caused me to consider the worse things which led me to feel grateful.

This life isn't fair, but how do I react to unfairness? I may have thought the worst and have seen only the negative at one time, but the thing I love is that I could change. It's amazing to think that a shift in my thinking led to many blessings. 

Sweden Vacation 2013

We had a lot of fun in Sweden. We were there July 3 (Wed PM) - July 11 (Thurs AM) and time flew! Here's a synopsis of what we did:

7/3 (Wed PM) - Per met us (Bryan, Kimbra, Andrew and me) at Arlanda airport (it's the first time we've traveled w/o Per-and the last time as far as I'm concerned: I feel more comfortable when he's there,) drove for 3 hours (from Stockholm to Väse) after already traveling for 16 hours, stopped in Kristinahamn to buy stuff & snacks at the store, met family at Lövås (Tore, Monika, Ann-Sofie, Sandra, Little Nils,) ate dinner, rested

7/4 (Thurs) - Went to a couple of stores in Karlstad (Willy's and Rusta,) ate Swedish pizza in Karlstad for lunch, celebrated the 4th of July at dinner where we ate Monika's yummy deer roast and mushroom sauce and a delicious American flag cake that Ann-Sofie made (sheet cake/cheesecake - haha!)

7/5 (Fri) - Day trip: Met Peter and Kerstin at their home (3 hours away) near Göteberg, met Per's friends (dinner at Torbjorn's house), (Erika and Torsten arrived from Gotland and Nils arrived from Göteberg)

7/6 (Sat) - Picked wild berries in the forest, celebrated birthdays at dinner (Tore 85, Monika 80, Nils 50, Me 45, and Andrew 20 this year) where we had a seafood feast including shrimp, red crawfish, and huge ocean crawfish from Göteberg

7/7 (Sun) - Looked at old things in the attic (Per looked at his China,) ate bbq steaks (horsemeat that the guys said was better than beef,) played Kubb at Lövås, posed for a family photo

7/8 (Mon) - (Erika and Torsten went back to Gotland,) ate dinner at a restaurant on the warf in Karlstad with Per's friends and spent the evening with them

7/9 (Tues) - Ate a smörgåsbord lunch

7/10 (Wed) - Left Lövås and drove to Stockholm, took pictures in Örebro, drove through the city of Stockholm (not the freeway) to avoid traffic and to find parking, walked in Stockholm for a second but left because we were hungry and cold, ate yummy Swedish pizza at a nice place after accidentally driving in the hood, checked into a nice hotel (Radisson) at Arlanda airport

7/11 (Thurs AM) - Per left early to fly on another airline, ate a delicious smörgåsbord breakfast, check out of our hotel, went on a bus to Arlanda airport

In my opinion, the second best thing about Sweden was the food (the best thing about Sweden was seeing a lot of the people I love.) Back to the food...everything we ate tasted yummy! From the chocolate to the water and in between, it all tasted great.

We stayed at Pirran's house (a smaller house by Lövås which we called her house although she didn't live there.) It was nice to have our own space. Bryan and Kimbra stayed upstairs where Per and I always stayed, and Per and I stayed downstairs where Bryan and Andrew always stayed. We swapped (and I didn't miss walking up and down the steep [and potentially slippery] stairs.)

Dinner at Ankdammen in Karlstad with Per's friends

Visiting at Peter and Kerstin's house

Peter, Kerstin, Kimbra, Bryan, Andrew, Jade, Per

Kimbra and Bryan

Andrew (and the best cheese doodles in the world!)

Per and Jade

Picking wild berries in the forest

The table is set for birthday celebrations at Lövås

Seafood Feast for birthday celebrations

Playing Kubb, a very fun game that originated on Gotland

Visiting between Kubb matches

Kimbra and Bryan

Lövgren Family
(Nils, Andrew, Per, Jade, Bryan, Erica, Ann-Sofie,
Monika, Tore,
Kimbra, Sandra, Nils, Torsten)

Smörgåsbord lunch

Smörgåsbord location

Lövås Gård (Gård=farm)

Lövås Gård sign

Per driving in Stockholm

Some buildings in Stockholm