Communicating with Men

NOTE: In my previous posts, I meant no disrespect to men when I said boy instead of man. I didn't mean men are boys I just said boy. From now on I'll be more clear.

To women:

If you feel you're not being heard by your man, try giving him your thoughts and feelings in a letter. Men speak a lot less words than women. Perhaps your spoken words are filling him up to the point that his eyes look glazed over. Write down your feelings and edit them to say things clearly and concisely. Be brief and say what you want him to do.

Save your words for your girl friends. Don't be mad at him because he doesn't talk as much as you - he's a man not a woman. Men tune women out because they talk so much! A woman can tell when a man's not listening, but instead of getting mad, it's best to say what you want in written form. He's listening, but maybe he tunes you out because you go on and on and on. Perhaps he stares into space, or whatever he does that seems like he's not listening to you, because he just wants you to get to the point of saying what you want. Maybe he seems like he's not listening because he feels attacked by blame. Whatever the reason might be that it seems like you're talking to a brick wall, maybe it seems like that because he doesn't want to hear the details.

Have you ever heard someone give a speech and instead of using a written talk they use an outline? They rambled and you thought Please, get to the point! After a while you tuned them out (for your own sanity) and you didn't hear a word they said because it took them forever to say it. Does the example sound familiar?

If you're a mom to sons, perhaps the same thing is happening. Consider this: A mom tells her son what to do when he's young. But when he becomes a teenager and she tell him what to do he might think Be quiet!And tune her out. (He wants to do what he thinks not what you think. It stings a bit to know the truth, but your teaching to a teenager is best said by correcting mistakes in a non-condemning way.) Anyway, my point is that at some point a mom's son stops listening to her first - because he wants to listen to himself first. Perhaps a written letter that's concise, brief, tells your feelings, and states what you want your son to do will help.

A letter's great because: 1) He can read it when he wants; 2) He can read it more than once; 3) You get to state yourself and be heard. The next time you don't feel heard by him, try writing him a letter.

Teach

Parents can really help their child by teaching them things they don't know, instead of assuming they know; because they don't.

The best thing a mom can do is teach her son to communicate. Boys don't naturally know how to communicate their feelings; they aren't "talkers" like girls. Girls relate, talk, and share their feelings, but boys don't; boys may learn to do those things, but they aren't natural, innate qualities. Boys grow up to be men who hold their feelings in and aren't comfortable talking about how they feel, unless they have been taught taught (usually by their moms) how to express themselves with words.

Girls watch their moms and learn how to be women. Boys watch their dads and learn how to be men. A boy and girl marry, and if the boy hasn't learned to communicate, the girl thinks she talks to a wall. The girl tries to get the boy to talk and he thinks she's a nag. The girl gets fed-up that her man won't communicate with her so she says "buh-bye." The boy wonders what happened? and what went wrong? If the girl doesn't say "buh-bye", she feels sad because she wishes he would communicate with her. (She really wishes he'd communicate and share his feelings without blaming her.) That scenario can be avoided (or at least lessened) if a boy learns to communicate.

If a parent won't talk a certain way to their daughter, they need to not talk that way to their son. Boys have feelings too, they just don't talk about them. Boys need to be treated, by their parents, as lovingly and girls. 

I see many effeminate boys these days; and less boys who are gentlemen, knights in shining armor and chivalrous. To me, boys who cry about unfairness are acting like girls. I think to myself boys don't cry, they suck it up and are brave. Life isn't fair, so why do we lie to our children and not prepare them for the future? Some people think I had to learn it and so should they. I think I'll tell my kids whatever I know. Of course kids will learn things they don't know - because they're smart, but why would I want my child to learn something I know when I could just tell them? What if they never learn it?

I can see some parents saying, "According to this post, I didn't do the best for my child because I didn't do those things and now my kid is grown." To those parents I say, "Don't be so hard on yourselves, you did the best you could with what you knew. The past is in the past and can't be changed; let it go and don't beat your self up, instead say "would shoulda coulda" and realize you would have done things differently if you'd known. Give your child the advice about boys when they ask for your help; they'll think you're wise :)."