How Being Different is a Good Thing

My favorite philosopher, Jim Rohn, said, "For things to change, you've got to change". He also said, "Don't wish things were different, wish you were better". I wanted respect. I decided not to go to lunch, something that I've always done in the past, because the person I was supposed to go with made me mad. In the past, that person made me mad but I always caved afterward and did fun things with them because I wanted to be a nice person. This time I thought, No! I won't do that, they made me mad! When it came time to go to lunch I said, "I'm not going." I heard, "Are you sure?" but I didn't cave. People were shocked that I stood my ground and didn't give in. I felt bad several times but I just kept thinking, for things to change, you've got to change.

This morning, the day after the lunch thing, I felt bad. As I thought about the scenario I realized that at least they knew where I stood. I began to feel happy that I'd had a backbone and said "No!" because essentially I'd claimed my spot and said, "I won't budge." I can see how I'd get respect because I stood up for myself. I'm still a nice person and now they know that I'm not a pushover.

Six Qualities of a Good Leader

In a world of darkness a leader can shed some light on the path that leads to a good place.

1. Inspiration. A good leader inspires people to be the best they can be. They tell them what they don't know and understand that when someone assumes their role - they automatically move up (they keep growing - just because they no longer have that role doesn't mean they go backward...no, they go forward.)

2. Respect. A good leader follows rules and respects authority. They don't tell people to do things "their way." They believe in the organization and support what it says.

3. Hope. A good leader hopes that people will back up their words with action. They give people room to learn and grow and hope they will learn and grow. They never stop hoping even when people make mistakes because they know that people learn from their mistakes and become more.

4. Mercy. A good leader is merciful. They forgive people when they admit they did something wrong. They wipe the slate clean and forget about the past. They don't hold grudges and condemn people for who they are but inspire them to become more than they thought possible.

5. Example. A good leader inspires from the other person's perspective. They don't expect people to think like them - because people get stressed and think I can never be like that - but they say things that cause people to consider possibilities.

6. Action. A good leader is a regular person. They aren't perfect but are willing to do things that others aren't. They get called courageous, inspiring, and other things but it all comes down to one thing, namely that they act; that they do what others only wish. 

Some leaders are in the public's eye but for whatever reason some people think, I could never be like them. The truth is that everyone is a leader. Everyone inspires someone whether they're a parent, a spouse, a friend, or a co-worker. Everyone has the same opportunity to lift up or drag down, to see the best or see the worst, to forgive or hold a grudge.

A Reason to Love Christmas

I watched a video on YouTube called Wanted Claus and talk about taking something good and making it seem bad. Santa Claus brings goodness into people's lives. The idea of someone giving you a gift inspires hope and gratitude. There are people who don't believe in Christmas who might want Santa to seem like a bad person, though he's not. People see something twisted and might think "that's creepy" not realizing that they've been duped by someone who doesn't like Santa Claus, Christmas, or whatever.

This is a merry time of year. A time when people are more kind and call it "Christmas Cheer". Haters are gonna hate but I won't hate, I'll love. When I see something good made bad I won't automatically believe it but think about why I love the good thing.

Is the Only Constant Thing Change?

Someone told me that a software program only names things in lower case. My rant: Written rules are changing right before my eyes! The rules have existed for hundreds of years, but now (because of what I consider arrogance and ignorance) they will change - and maybe cease to exist! Some people may think that lower case looks cleaner, but who cares?! - it's not right! :End of rant. I feel like I'm swimming upstream against something that will change anyway. I won't change but language will change and in the future people will think it's how it is. No! The truth will be that language changed to what it is now, but it didn't used to be that way.

I know that the only thing constant is change and that language has evolved. It's a fact that some things aren't said now that used to be said. I guess I want to hang on to how it is now because when things change then I will become obsolete. The only thing I can do is be myself and know that how I am now won't always be how it is.

How I Had Courage Instead of Fear

My body reminded me again that it's sick. A few days ago I went to bed and every time I sat up I felt really dizzy. I thought that maybe it would stop when closing my eyes but that just made it worse. I laid in the dark and felt very woozy. For the next few days the dizziness was bearable and even forgotten in the daylight. Then recently, while sitting in my office, a wave of dizziness washed over me, followed by me feeling like I was on a roller coaster as stationary things on my desk seemed to spin, followed by me feeling really hot, followed by me feeling sick. I sat in my downstairs chair and thought about how I hadn't felt like that since initially getting sick five years ago.

I felt fine while sitting in my chair, but every time I moved the dizziness came back. Per helped me walk from my chair to the stairs so that I wouldn't fall. (I'm sure he felt worried but he put on a brave face for me.) I awoke in the middle of the night and when I sat up the dizziness hit me. I bumped into the door when walking to the bathroom (which I'm sure awoke Per) and felt sad when getting back into bed.

I laid there in the dark feeling scared. I didn't know for how long the dizziness would last - maybe a short time but maybe forever! Tears welled up in my eyes and I felt sad. After a little while of feeling terrible I thought No! I'm not gonna lay here and feel sad when I don't know what will happen. God knows my fate and I give my life to him. Think good things. I thought of my favorite story about how trials are like clouds but there is sunshine and clear sky above the clouds. I thought about good things and the sad feeling went away. 

Sad things happen to me but I won't dwell on them - it is what it is. What am I gonna do? Live my life, that's what! I refuse to give in to defeat. I'd rather have courage than fear. The sadness persists until I choose not to be sad and until I think happy things that change my attitude. (Five years ago I would have allowed the sad thoughts and bad feelings to overcome my mood.) Being sick isn't fun but - as crazy as it sounds - my trial has given me better self-esteem and correct thinking. Maybe it's a silly thing to say but I'm grateful for my trial; I'm an improved person. I step back and remember my goal (to have eternal life) and every challenge I face is worth it if it gets me closer to what I want. That night, I felt scared about having a new symptom but not for very long.

Four Differences Between Men and Women

After a couple has been married for a while, they know each other well. They seem to think like each other and know each other's tastes and interests. Even though they are alike, they both have unique differences and qualities that the other doesn't have. Their differences complete each other. It would be a shame if they became so close that they lost their uniqueness; that they became like their opposite.

I went to a class once that pointed out the differences between men and women. The class suggested seeing life from the spouse's perspective. The teacher said that each person interpreted love differently, and that the way a person said, "I Love You" didn't necessarily say it to another person. The teacher said that people usually gave others what they liked, but the most effective gift was to give what the other person liked. The message of the class said, "Consider what the other person likes and give to them what they think says I love you."

I thought about the differences between men and women and came up with this:

1. Men are like the countryside and women are like the wind.

Women talk more than men. Women explain things in 10,000 words when it takes men 5,000 words to make their point. Most women like to keep busy, too whereas most men are quiet and still. 

2. Men are like the calm before the storm and women are like the storm. 

Each thing is important - if women were the calm, there would never be the storm.

3. Men are like lakes and women are like rivers. 

A lake holds the reserve of water and doesn't give the river too much or it overflows. A river takes what it has and keeps it moving. (Like the wind and the storm, each is necessary in what they do. If a woman became a lake there wouldn't be a river!)

4. Men are direct and women are roundabout.

Men get complimented for their clothes and they say, "Thanks!" whereas women say, "Thanks! I got it on sale at Macy's". Not only do women state their bargain but they say where they got it. Women want to tell others where they got a deal, men don't.

Some partners think, it would be better if they were like me. I beg to differ - it would be better if they were like them; a person possibly thinks that because they want their life to be easier. I think that if their spouse was just like them, they wouldn't like it. Spouses might not acknowledge it, they might even think the differences drive them crazy, but I believe that in one way or another they actually like them.

Does It Really Matter?

Every year (for the past few years) I've written a letter to "my girls". The girls who were Laurels (16-17) when I was Young Women's President. I've never forgotten about them and the joy they brought into my life. They are 22 or older now. Most are married and some have kids. Whatever they are doing is great.

In my opinion, you're never too old to hear an encouraging word. It's true that when a girl leaves the YW program she is welcomed into Relief Society and watched over by them (truly, a person in my church is never alone), but the fact is that all of my girls aren't going to stay in my church. Whatever they do, I want them to know that I love them.

As much as I want my life to be perfect, it isn't. It's a fact that life makes people face hard things. (Hopefully, those hard things make them stronger, but nobody likes or wishes for them.) It's a fact also that people face good things; things that bring joy and happiness.

What I want to point out is that when I don't see the good I miss out on the good things.

Last night I told Per that every time I walk into the guest bathroom I see the Christmas decoration that's in there and my attention is drawn to the antler that is broken on one of the reindeer. There are many good things about that decoration but I look at the one flaw. He said, "I've looked at that thing many times, and an antler is broken?" Then he told me that every time he goes in that bathroom he looks at the floor that he tiled and notices the chipped tile. I said, "One of the tiles is chipped?" 

How many times do I look at the flaw instead of the masterpiece? Maybe because I'm a perfectionist I notice the flaw when I want perfection. I will always be a perfectionist who wants perfection, but I also know that flaws don't = bad. 

No one wants to acknowledge that sometimes they see flaws. But no one is perfect or positive all the time. (Some things make me mad and I'm not positive about them.) It takes choosing to see the good instead of the bad; I hope to always see the good and I strive for it, but I know that always = someday. Instead, I'll try for as long as I can to see the good.

I Respectfully Disagree

I am going to disagree with someone at some point. When that happens, all I can do is say, "I respectfully disagree". Everyone has the right to their opinion. I may not like it but I just say, "I respectfully disagree" because I like them.

Why Did I Say That?

I'll admit it - I said an unsavory word; I got influenced. (I didn't swear but in my mind I might as well have, because to me the real and the fake words are one and the same.) I ask myself, "Why walk on the line and sometimes accidentally cross into the swearing world?" Then I say to myself that I choose to walk in the middle of the lane (safely away from the line) and say other words that aren't even close to sounding like swear words.

I said that word because I couldn't think of another word to say instead. Just yesterday I used that word in my question when The Chiefs threw an interception in their end zone (they could have scored but the other team got the ball! Aaaaah!)

I don't feel like saying that word right now, so I'll think of other words to say instead; "Super", "Stupid", and "Really" come to mind. A song I repeatedly heard over 30 years ago runs through my mind:

The Words You Speak

The words you speak, the words you say,

The words you utter give you away.

Like "Please", "Thank you", and "Yes, you may", 

I can tell what you are by your words.

If you speak only what is true, 

I know that I can depend on you. 

For you are honest in all you do, 

I can tell this because of your words.  

I can tell where you've been, what you've read, 

How you think, by your words did you know? 

And what's more I can tell by the words that you speak

Where you're going to go. It's the truth, it's really so.

So little friend you must beware, 

And choose your words with the greatest care.

You'll be a champion if you dare

To speak only the very best words;

Only the very VERY BEST words.

High five-the author for writing that! I believe that words are powerful. I don't want to be misunderstood or considered something I'm not, so I'll choose my words carefully.

Changes to My Diet in 2014

In 2013 I gave up red meat; I haven't eaten beef since December 2012. I'm not going back. I will continue not to eat beef in 2014 (and probably forever). In addition, I've decided to also make these changes:

-No carbonation

-No HFCS (high fructose corn syrup)

No carbonation is obvious - no soda pop. But I didn't realize how many products besides drinks have HFCS. Here are the foods I like that need substitution:

Stove Top Stuffing - Turkey

Thomas English Muffins

Most Kellogg's cereals

Most Lifesavers candy

Kellogg's Pop-tart's

Nabisco Ritz Crackers

Nabisco Wheat Thins

Cool Whip

Yoplait Yogurt

Nabisco Oreo Pie Crust

Any Oscar Meyer Lunchables that contain bread, breading, or cornmeal

I didn't mention a lot of products that have HFCS. The most important thing will be to check the labeled ingredients before deciding to buy.

What's On My Mind?

Today, my mind is filled with poetry - thoughts said in few words. Here's what I'm thinking:

My Work

The mason chisels stone 

The sculptor works with clay

I chisel and sculpt my words

Until I find what to say

I mold and scrape and work 

My words until they are just right

My unfinished work spurs me on

Even until late at night

The Definition of an Artist

When thinking of the word “artist”

Singing, and painting come to mind.

But an artist is someone who creates,

And art is undefined.

“I’m not creative” some might say

As they submit a spreadsheet sublime.

“I beg to differ” as they make

Their work to last a long, long time.

Fine art is held by photographers,

Dancers, sculptors and the like.

But don’t count yourself out of artistry,

Just because you can’t chisel with a spike.

All

The word “all” connects 

The widow’s mite with 

The first and great command.

It also connects service

To love

And to giving with an open hand.

“Hold back nothing
And receive everything”

Is the counsel we are told

I open my heart
And give all that I have

Because I want the blessings of old

It's Never Too Late

The song "Desperado" says this, "you'd better let somebody love you before it's too late". That song runs through my head this morning as does this thought, it's never too late. At one time I thought, I'm too old - too deep into it - to change. That's not true - the truth is that I needed to have a willing heart and to trust that God would do the rest. I did - I chose and trusted, and He did - He changed me.

God is good. He is my loving Heavenly Father and He wants to help me. It felt hard to trust (because I didn't want to be tricked) but I considered His perfection and that He wouldn't fool me. I kept in mind that He knew best and that He had my best interest in mind, so I trusted Him. He put things in my path that made my life better (music albums, people, books, thoughts) and eventually He changed my life.

I didn't used to refer to God so much. I guess I refer to Him because I want to acknowledge the truth. The truth is that He cares. Even when facing something hard I see that perhaps I face it to receive strength, or to be taught. I love how He does that for me. It may be too late according to someone, but it's never too late according to God.

Let Girls Be Girls

I just watched a video saying that girls need more toys to inspire them to use their brains. It implied that from an early age girls are given toys that steer them away from engineering, mathematics, and science as only 1 in 10 girls go into those fields.

I believe this a feminist video that says, "Equality!" Girls don't need special toys to encourage them to use their brains. They can use their brains just as well with Barbies, My Little Ponies, and girl toys. There's nothing wrong with girl toys and pink. The video kind of said, "If you're a girl and not an engineer, mathematician, or scientist then you're stupid and don't use your brain."

Not all girls want to do those things, but almost all girls want to be girls. Why should girls do those things unless they want to do them? That video made me mad! Women's rights is now at the little girl level. Girls are not boys, they have gender and roles, and according to this video that's a bad thing.

Perhaps the video's maker doesn't intend to disrespect other girls; they probably just want to promote their toys to girls - and that's fine. But I think they can go about their promotion in a way that doesn't throw other girls under the bus. I'm not an engineer, a scientist, nor a mathematician but I have an analytical mind and certainly use my brain. 

Living in the Past is Fantasy

Returning home was not the same once I left; I wasn't the same person. (I'm talking about when I was 18.) I had my own life. I stopped being my mother's child to be myself. When I got married I also became my husband's wife. When I had children I became their mom.

I will always be my mom and dad's child, but I've grown up and have my own life now. I faced a dilemma the last time my mom came to visit me. I reverted to being my mom's daughter (the past) because I didn't have the courage to be myself (the present). After my mom left, my family felt confused because I didn't act like me. When they told me how they felt I faced a crossroad: Would I revert to the past? (and confuse my family) or be the current me? (and let the past be in the past). I chose the second one - to be the current me, a grown woman, a wife, and a mother.

Same with childhood friends. As a young girl, I had a best friend. She will be my friend forever, but after we grew up we got different lives. What we had was special, and I'll always remember it, but my current life is special, too. It's fun to rehash old times with her, but honestly old times are just that - old times, memories, not today.

It's not my job to make people see me as I currently am. They are responsible for themselves. All I can do is be who I am today and live my life in the present moment. 

Where's the Mercy?

Our router stopped working on Monday, which meant that everything that used the internet didn't work; in our case that meant all the computers (including my iPad), and the TV. Per called ATandT and told them what had happened. The person he spoke with said they'd send someone out on Tuesday. He told them that he worked from home and that he needed their help that day (Monday) because he couldn't do his work. He told them that we paid a lot of money every month to have the internet and expected it to work or, if it didn't, to be fixed right away. The phone technician said they'd tell him a temporary fix and asked him to turn on the router. Per said that he was an electrical engineer so he wasn't a novice. He said that there was something wrong with the router and he wasn't going to turn it on and have a potential fire hazard in his house. 

During their conversation, Per discovered that the ATandT power adapter was bad when he swapped it with another one and the router started working. He told them what he had done, and asked them if they could send a technician over to simply drop off another power adapter. He said that he needed it on Monday because early on Tuesday morning he was going on a business trip and wouldn't be home to accept their package. ATandT said a technician would be over on Monday in a couple of hours, but no one from ATandT ever came. This morning (Tuesday) FedEx delivered a box containing a new power adapter. Per is gone.

No matter how big a company is, they can help if they choose to. Their action of sending a box to be delivered on Tuesday said, "Do it my way. Fall in line and accept the way I do things." They weren't thinking about us, they thought about them and expected us to accept their method. 

I have thought about this situation, and no matter how selfish someone else is, I can choose to be merciful and forgiving. Even when dealing with a company, I choose how I am. My first inclination may be to get angry and say hurtful words, but what does that say about me? It say's that I have meanness in my character. Unfair things happen all the time, and how I react to them says something about me. I want to be loving. That means to be loving even when someone else isn't. I forgive ATandT and don't think badly about them, even if they didn't help us yesterday. I don't say this for people to be mad at ATandT but for them to look in their hearts and honestly consider how they are regarding mercy and forgiveness.

Trusting Me With Money

Per is the perfect partner for me. He is kind and loving, and goes out of his way to help me and make me comfortable. He is also strong where I'm weak and helps me to learn a better way. One of my biggest weaknesses is handling money. I tend to spend when he saves. Usually, I think that saving is boring and that spending is fun. But now I see that saving has these advantages: 1) You have money, you haven't spent it all, and you can buy the things that you really want. 2) Saving helps you to live within your means. You're realistic and don't pretend that you have more money than is a reality. It's good to be realistic about how much money you have so that you don't overspend.

It's one thing to buy things for right now, but if those things are only for me does it really matter? What matters is spending money on things that invest in building relationships; relationships that last into the next life. Being able to show something bought is relative - it depends on whether showing it right now or later. Spending money on something to be shown "later" is not a waste...it's just shown later. 

Per has been the voice of reason that has said "no" to me many times during our married life when I wanted to spend money. I appreciate that he said "no" so that at the right time he could say "yes". Also, I appreciate that he gives me control over our money (even though I'm bad at it and have wasted it several times). I've learned so many things about money that I couldn't have learned if I didn't have access to our funds. I've learned because I truly want to be better. I strive to improve. If I didn't care to improve I don't think I'd have access to our money because he wouldn't trust me. Thank you, Per, for your patience and for trusting me with our money.

Being a Saturday's Warrior

I grew up being called a "Saturday's Warrior". A Saturday's Warrior meant someone born in the last days who would "fight" against evil and (hopefully) be alive at the Savior's second coming. A musical called "Saturday's Warrior" was made and to this day I can sing all of the songs. (The musical was written as a college project and the writers never intended for it to become as popular as it became.)

I'm 45 now and my youth has come and gone. Was I a Saturday's Warrior? Yes. How? Well, the Savior hasn't come yet. I'm a "warrior" because I stand up against evil. It really doesn't matter who's alive when the Savior comes again. The real thing that matters is getting eternal life. I'm still a Saturday's Warrior because I choose the right. I have taught my children to choose the right, I hope they will teach their children to do the same thing, and on and on and on.

One thing I can share with my kids is how I remember a truly peaceful time. Back when the play was written, the writers thought times were bad - they didn't know that times would get worse. (They must have thought that times were pretty bad because they hoped for the second coming. The musical was first performed in 1973 - that's 40 years ago! If they thought things were bad then, imagine how bad they are today.)

No matter how bad things are, I always have the choice as to how to be myself. Having a morally bad world is kind of a blessing because something really bad makes it easy to choose the good. I will forever and always be a Saturday's Warrior even if I'm not alive at the second coming.

Saturday's Warrior (a song written in the 70's for the musical)

Who are these children coming down, coming down.

Like gentle rain though darken skies.

With glory trailing from their feet as they go.

And endless promise in their eyes!

Who are these young ones growing tall, growing tall.

Like silver trees against the storm.

Who will not bend with the wind or the change,

But stand to fight the world alone!

These are the few, the warriors

Saved for Saturday, to come

The last day of the world

These are they, on Saturday.

These are the strong, the warriors

Rising in their might to win

The battle raging in

The hearts of men, on Saturday.

Strangers from a realm of light

Who have forgotten all.

The memory of their former life.

The purpose of their call.

And so they must learn why they're here

And who they really are.

They must learn why they're here

And who they are!

These are the few, the warriors

Saved for Saturday, to come

The last day of the world

These are they, on Saturday.

Reassuring People

I felt inspired to say this on Sunday, February 3, 2013:

"A good leader inspires their people...from their people's perspective. They don't expect their people to think like them - because their people get stressed and think I can never be like that - but they say things that cause their people to consider possibilities."

The possibilities statement is an example of giving people true freedom. The opposite of freedom is control. Control says, "I'm in charge" and "Do what I say". Freedom says, "You're in charge" and "Do what you think is best". Freedom encourages and allows the other person to choose. Control offers no encouragement and only says, "Do what I say because only I know best." 

Control doesn't trust anyone but themselves. Freedom and trust go hand in hand because freedom trusts that the person will make a good choice. Whatever the choice is, freedom has hope that a good choice will be made. Freedom also has belief that ability is had to make a good choice.

Parents maintain control over their children. They tell them what to do when they're young because their children truly don't know what's best. I can see how power struggles exist between parents and teenage children when at some point they both think they know what's best. I think when a power struggle shows itself, it's the perfect time for parents to step back and let their children take the lead, and for parents to let their action (stepping back) say, "I believe in you and know you can do it."

Good parents don't get offended when their children want to take the lead but realize that their children are doing exactly what their parents raised them to do - make decisions (not scared to make decisions because only their parents can do that and do it right.) 

Good parents give control to their children and are there to lift them through encouraging words when they fall. Parents can greatly influence and inspire their children when they give the reins to their children and essentially say, "Here, you drive".

Everyone wants the freedom of being in charge of their own life. No one wants to be controlled, on the contrary everyone wants the reassurance that they can do it. When freedom is given, it is out of love. When a person is given freedom that love is given back through appreciation.

The Totally Awesome 80's!

The 80's may be old but they were my teenage years! I remember them because I lived them. The 80's are old now, but they were cool then. I remember seeing Karate Kid in the theater and thinking that Mr. Miagi and Daniel were really cool. 

I saw many movies in the theater like Superman, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, The Empire Strikes Back, Return of the Jedi, Ghostbusters, Home Alone, Splash!, Wall Street, E.T., Poltergeist, Savannah Smiles, Wind Walker, The Little Mermaid, Who Framed Roger Rabbit?, Pretty in Pink, The Breakfast Club, Cocoon, Short Circuit, The Princess Bride, Something Wicked This Way Comes, Rambo, Rocky 4, The Terminator, Red Dawn, Popeye, Highlander, The Dark Crystal, Little Shop of Horrors, Tootsie, Sixteen Candles, Aliens, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Adventures in Babysitting, Top Gun, Back to the Future, Flashdance, Footloose, Good Morning Vietnam, Beaches, Steel Magnolias, Tron, The Golden Child, Mannequin, The Secret of My Success, Die Hard, Beverly Hills Cop, Friday the 13th, Airplane, Caddyshack, Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Star Trek: The Wrath of Kahn, Dirty Dancing, Ferris Buelller's Day Off, The Goonies, and many more. 

Yes, things have evolved since back then but I can say that I had the old things. I had a record player in my room. Records were the "in" thing and I still have my records of Rick Springfield, Chicago 17, West Side Story (sound track,) and a 45 of Michael Jackson singing "Billie Jean". Even though I had a few cassette tapes I had mostly records as a teenager.

I watched The Love Boat, The Bionic Man, Wonder Woman, M*A*S*H, Charlie's Angels, Saturday morning cartoons, and many more shows on a brown TV with rabbit ears. There was no cable or 24 hour TV. Many times my sister and I awoke before our show came on and turned the TV on to snow or colored bars. Our TV had no remote control to change the channel. To view a different station, we had to turn the dial (and hope that the noise wouldn't awake our parents!)

70's TV with snow

Color bars

Now that the 80's are over, I can see a definite look. I didn't notice the amount of makeup people wore (even men!) The business in the front, party in the back hair style was cool. A lot of women wore the fashion of Flashdance or the look of Madonna and most men looked clean cut.

I loved the 80's; it was a coming-of-age time for me. I love to see the cheesy shows of that time because it brings back memories. When I see something on a website from the 80's I think, oh ya! and smile.

The Value of a Journal

1) I can record my thoughts and get them out of my head.

2) Reading what I wrote as well as considering the entire situation gives me perspective.

3) Writing it means I don't have to remember it.

4) It's like having a mute friend that let's me "talk" as much as I want.

5) I record history and things that are important to me.

6) Reading past entries causes me to learn from what I wrote. I forget current things quickly (as do most people.) When I read what I previously wrote I get to remember the thing that was important to me and learn from it again, and usually also learn other things. 

My journal helps me evolve and grow toward becoming what I want to be. When reading past entries I see patterns. Sometimes I see ways that I want to change. No matter what is going on around me, I can say honest things to my journal and never be ridiculed. There is no right or wrong way to journal, if the journal looks like a scrapbook then so what - the most important thing is that what's in there - written or otherwise - is something valued. I've included cards, notes, ticket stubs, flowers, drawings, and my words in my journals.

Some people are short and sweet; they record one sentence or maybe just one word to sum up their day. Some people are elaborate and write many words. Sometimes people record something they studied. Sometimes people do all the above. People's moods change every day: sometimes they feel like writing and sometimes they don't. Some people feel like their life is boring and they have nothing to say. Some people are private and don't want to record what they think because then the public may read it. Some people think, "No one, including me, wants to read my words." No matter what type of person someone is, there's value in journal writing.

A journal helps the person who wrote it, and when they move on to the next life a journal lets the reader know them. My Great Grandma Clark is dead but I have a few of her journals from the 1950's that tell me a lot about her. She wrote one line entries, and I give her credit because she wrote every day! I know what she valued by what she mentioned. I know what she did by what she recorded. I don't have to only rely on hearsay to know about her because I have her own words. My Grandma Gordon, who is also dead, never kept journals but I have a pocket book calendar that she probably had in her purse when she went on a trip in the 1970's. She made notes in it. Not only do I have what she said but I have her handwriting. A journal not only helps me but it will also help my posterity to know me for generations.

I don't write for future generations but for my own benefit. I've written journals since 1978 (when I was ten.) Now, the year is 2013 (35 years later) and I still and probably will always keep a journal. At times I've considered my journal "cheap therapy" as I've recorded my honest feelings and worked through hard things. There's no way I would have remembered a lot of things I recorded because so much time has gone by. It's fun to go back and read what I thought was important then. If I'd never kept a journal I'd tell myself that it's never too late to start.

God Cares

I sat in the yellow chair in my kitchen, feeling very sad and crying to my husband about the unfairness of something. All I could think to do was to pray to God in my mind and tell Him about all the things I didn't understand. My husband left the room, and I continued to feel sad. My thoughts took over and I didn't stay aware as I reflected. I don't know when the shift occurred, but I became aware that I was thinking of what I loved about God. To me, the miracle is that my attitude shifted and instead I felt happy.

Here are some of the things I thought about when I became aware: I love how God sees my potential. I love how He encourages me (often through others). I love how He gives me the courage to do what I consider impossible. I love how He forgives me every time I ask for forgiveness. I love how He cares about me. I love how He wants good for me.

Grown-up Make Believe

On Facebook, a friend posted an article written by a mom who lives in Utah County (Provo) about opting out as Supermom to instead be more real. Click here to read the article. She talked about how perfect the moms in Utah County seemed, as well as how clean their houses seemed, as well as how well-behaved their kids seemed, and as well as how everything they did seemed to come naturally. That sounds exactly like the former me - I was the Utah Valley Supermom...but I lived in Kansas. (A friend of mine even used to call me "Supermom.") Perhaps women from Utah are not fanatical about perfection, but I was. In high school, I made fun of Suzy Homemaker who got up at six AM and made freshly baked bread for her family, but I became like her in my own way as I attempted perfection in everything I did.

When I lived in Orem, Utah (which is a part of Utah Valley,) my friend said, "Jade, let him do it" when I moved my son's game piece. Many years later, I thought I was controlling, but perhaps I wanted to do it so that it seemed perfect. I agree with the author that it's better and a relief to be real - to just be yourself and to let your family be themselves, too, because real life isn't perfect, sometimes the house is messy, sometimes the kids wear mismatched clothes, and sometimes we eat ramen noodles for dinner. It takes a lot of courage to be "real" - to go against the grain when so many other people pretend. The author called pretending "grown-up make believe" and that is so true.

I didn't want to stand out and do something different; I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be one of the millions who all did the same thing. And for years I did - I did what I thought was the typical but, according to the article I read, my pretending to be perfect was the extreme.

Haiku Poetry Attempts

My email has been receiving one haiku poem per day for years (from Tinywords.com). According to my research online, American haiku's are 10-14 syllables long, and it seems like they could be related to nature or a thought. Japanese haiku's have 17 syllables, with the format of 5-7-5, and are related to nature in some way. A haiku has two topics which relate to each other (are juxtaposed), and are short enough to say in one breath.

Today, I wrote my own haiku's and here are my attempts:

Sharp pencil

My words are

To the point

MS Diagnosis

I walk

Like I'm Drunk

Conformity

When in Rome

Do like the Romans

Birthday Ideas

My birthday is this month. In years past, when someone asked, "What do you want for your birthday?" I didn't know so I said, "World peace." They got me a gift, but since I never said what I wanted...I got whatever they gave. This year, I have thought about it and suggest that they give me something that relates to something I love. 

Here are some things that I love: Books. I love books that enrich my life or uplift me in some way. Music. I have a lot of music and I listen to something all the time. I love choral music, show tunes, and music that feels good to my soul. Movies. I'm a girlie-girl and love romantic comedies, but also I love science fiction/fantasy, and action. (I love drama's too, but have to stay away from them since I have MS because they make me cry.) All Jane Austen movies, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Terminator Salvation, Iron Man, Fast and Furious 5, Casino Royale, King Arthur, and The Bourne Identity are among my favorite movies. I do have some stipulations about movies: 1) It needs to be rated something lower than and not including R. 2) It needs to be appropriate; no nudity or steamy love scenes (consider me watching it with children.) 3) It needs to not depict the future in a sad, bleak way. (I didn't like War of the World, or The Matrix for that reason.) 4) No cartoons unless it's Disney, and no movies that patronize kids. (I didn't like Madagascar, The RV, or Cheaper by the Dozen, but I loved Mirror Mirror, Brave, and The Chronicles of Narnia.) I guess I have a lot of stipulations about movies since once an image is in my mind it's there forever. Maybe a gift card is best instead of a movie. Being creative.Decorating and beautiful things. Pictures. Family pics or pictures to hang on my wall, I love them all. Poetry. Nothing says something better than well-said words. Homey things that smell good. Looking my best.Writing/typing (expressing myself.)

Wow! That's quite a list, but I learned from a dear friend that if you don't say what you want, you have to settle for what you get...and that might be nothing. I love getting gifts that tell me that the person thought of me enough to give me something. Whenever I see or hear the gift I remember them.

My Personal Gethsemane

These words (from the song below) get me in my heart, 'My Lord Jesus, if you've got time to spend with me tonight then fly to me, Jesus fly.' When I feel sad, I think of something similar to, 'fly to me, Jesus fly.' In those quiet moments with just myself, when I'm in pain, I want Jesus to take my pain away.

God took away the pain I felt in my heart one time when I felt sad. (I cry because I truly love Him, and because I feel very grateful for what He did.) I consider myself the one sheep that the good shepherd left the other 99 sheep to find. A shepherd cares about every one of his sheep; if one got lost he would leave the flock to find it, and if it got wounded, he would care for and heal it. I was sad (wounded,) and God cared for me and healed my soul.

God loves every one of us-His children. Satan wants us to hate ourselves and to think we're not worthy of God's love; but we are. Satan lies to us, and tells us things that aren't true because he wants to hurt God by hurting us. Satan doesn't want us to feel good, he wants us to feel bad...so that he can control us with his lies, and so that we will believe him and be his. Truthfully, he just wants to win and to be better than God. Satan doesn't care about our fate; he couldn't care less if we burned in hell. God, on the other hand, cares about us, he wants to help us, and he cares about our eternal future. 

I believe that listening to God produces feelings of sureness, security, and confidence in believing that good things are deserved. Also, I believe that Satan whispers lies in my mind that cause me to feel unsure, insecure, and to only hope that desirable things are possible but not to believe that they're attainable. The good things (such as lessons learned, etc.) from suffering make my suffering (trials) worth it.

The first four paragraphs of the following song were written with the perspective of being in heaven and seeing Jesus suffer in Gethsemane.

Gethsemane

My Lord Jesus

Me in heaven, You on earth

You're in the garden

And Your heavy burden is growing worse 

I weep for You, Jesus

My poor Jesus

I'm so sorry to make You cry

But I'm far from like You

And all my sins, Lord, demand this price

I wish that I could come to You

And wipe away the blood

And then I'd bear Your cross, Lord

If I could

But I'm up here

And You're down there, Jesus

My poor Jesus

I'm so sorry to make You die

But, please, for me, Jesus

Die

Now Lord Jesus

You're in heaven and I'm on earth

Now it's my turn

And my little burden is getting worse

I weep for me, Jesus

Oh kind Jesus

I keep trying to win this fight

But I just can't change me

I need Your grace, Lord

Please provide

I wish that I could run to You

And all of this would end

If I could see Your face

Have You close again

But You're up there

And I'm down here, Oh Jesus

My Lord Jesus

If You've got time to spend with me tonight

Then fly to me, Jesus

Fly

I Celebrate Success

An untrue belief says that if someone else doesn't have something, not to celebrate it because it's "bragging." That's not true. That belief controls people's behavior. The truth is that people are free to celebrate what they have, and other people are free to either be happy for their success or be jealous because they have something that the other person doesn't. For example, one thought is that if I have a husband and they don't, don't say, "I'm grateful for my husband" because it rubs in the other person's face the fact that they don't have one. Another thought is that if I say "I'm grateful for my husband," the other person has the opportunity to be happy or jealous of me. If I lived according to the first thought, I could never celebrate what another person didn't have - we would always be equal - actually, I would be brought down from my success to their non-success.

A baby is good until they're born into this negative world. They may live negatively for many years; but once they're grown they can choose how to live. Everyone has the same opportunity to succeed, but the world's downward pull says, "Success is bad." It's a lie, success is good. A child's life may be bad, but their childhood doesn't dictate their future success.

I'm Proud to be an American

This song has been running through my mind since yesterday; it got to be the most patriotic song I've ever heard. Click here to hear it.  It's "I'm Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood. I love my country; the comfort that Americans expect, and the nice and helpful attitudes of most people.

I love traveling to places around the world. I enjoy seeing things and meeting people that are different than me. And I always enjoy coming home; having my things, knowing the culture, being familiar with the way people do things, and feeling happy to communicate in my language. Half of my family are from another country and I love them. 

I am an American and love my country. There are things in America that I don't like, but not enough to make me leave; I would never live anywhere else than America. I love my country. I'm proud to be an American.

I Love the Visiting Teaching Program in My Church

My visiting teaching companion and I just finished visiting our last sister (for August) yesterday. Yay us! High five! I love visiting teaching! (We don't usually go this late in the month, but this month all of our schedules worked out that way.) Yes, it's a chore to go, to work around schedules, and to walk up many stairs (my personal mountain :) But I love knowing them and hearing about their lives. I love that I have the opportunity to watch over them. I love that I get the chance to serve them. They bring richness to my life, and I'm glad that we're friends. My companion encourages me to bravely do things that, otherwise, I wouldn't. She tells me about her life and her family, and she is my friend. (We would help our sisters if they needed it, and I know that she would help me. I would do the same for her, and I hope she knows that she can count on me.)

My visiting teacher is a sweet lady. She comes over every month and not only visits but also helps me with whatever I need. She says, "I know that I don't have to, but I want to." I love that she visits me even though her companion never comes. She doesn't let that stop her, and I feel her love for me.

Funny story: she can't hear very well (she has hearing aids,) and I can't talk very well! (We are like the blind leading the blind!) Last month, sadly, she lost one of her hearing aids - so when she visited me she really couldn't hear what I said. After me saying the same thing four times and her not understanding me I said, "I'm done!" I meant I'm done saying the same thing, and I feel frustrated so I'm going to stop saying this. Well, she thought I meant I'm done with our visit. She said a quick prayer, apologized, and quickly left. My husband poked his head around the corner from the kitchen upstairs and said, "That was weird!" 

My poor visiting teacher! I should have called her and set the record straight, but I didn't. For a month she probably thought that I had wanted her to leave. I talked to her at church last Sunday and she said, "If my hearing bothers you, they can get you someone else...it won't hurt my feelings...really." I told her what I had meant, and that I didn't want a new visiting teacher. She came over yesterday, and happily the past is now in the past.

I love that the women in my church watch over each other. I know that no matter where I live in the world, when I tell my church that I'm there a visiting teacher will visit me. I don't want to be an island - alone in the world, I want to have friends and relate with people.

The Lord Blesses Me With More Than What I Ask

I truly believe that The Lord wanted to bless me five years ago, before I got sick, but I couldn't receive it so he gave me a trial to make me stronger. How could I feel His love when I couldn't say, "I love you" to myself? His perfect love would have crushed me because I couldn't bear it. I felt that others deserved his love, but in my heart I didn't feel that I myself was worthy to receive anything good. It is so sad to hear how badly I thought and felt, but it's true. I've learned so many things in the last five years! Even in my trial, He blesses me as much as He can.

Before getting sick, I had plans for myself. Unfortunately, my heart didn't truly believe that some of the things I planned would actually come true. I wished and hoped for them to come true, but in all honesty, my heart didn't believe that some things would ever happen. 

To me, the Bible story in Mark 9 relates to this topic so well. The father wished and hoped that his son would be well, but in all honesty, he didn't truly believe it would ever happen. He hoped for any kind of help to stop his son from harming himself, but didn't ever think that his son would be completely healed and free from the things that tormented him. He said to Jesus, "Help me." The Lord knew the father's heart. The Savior knew that the father hoped but that even his hope was not complete. Jesus said, "All things are possible to him that believeth." I love the thing the father said in reply. He said, "Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief." The Savior didn't condemn him, He didn't chastise him and say, "I won't help you until you believe," No! Instead, He completely healed his son. Jesus Christ blessed the father...and more than the father hoped.

The Lord is good. I believe that he wants to bless me. I truly believe Him - in my heart. I trust Him completely, and I couldn't say that five years ago. He doesn't want me to have trials, or hard times, but it's through struggles that I learn. He doesn't teach me when I'm happy - he rejoices with me! He teaches me when I'm sad. If my trial isn't permanent and if I don't learn, then I get to experience the same trial again. I love that He blesses me as much as He can.

Finally, I Can Truly Acknowledge the Truth About My Illness

I moved on with my life (stopped focusing on my illness) because enough time went by with me living my new normal that it felt more 'normal' than my old normal. Before I moved on, I just wanted what I'd had. This is the first time that I've even wanted to candidly acknowledge the truth about my illness, and can do so without crying. I've acknowledged components of my character (how I'm strong, I won't give in, I can do it, etc.) but I've never positively acknowledged my illness. I've never been a support to anyone (I've felt that I needed support rather than that I could give it.) And, I can relate to anyone who is dealing with something hard; not just people with MS. I understand the pain, the disappointment, and the grief of dealing with adversity. Nothing challenges you more than a trial - I can truly attest to that. And, nothing will tell you, better than a trial, what your made of - I can attest to that too.

Life isn't always happiness and roses, sometimes life is hard. I truly believe, however, that my attitude determines whether my challenges are hard or easy. Looking on the bright side and counting my blessings helps me to see good things, too - not just bad things. I believe that hope allows me to live my life and to continue to progress, instead of just getting blindsided by challenges and never continuing to grow. Focusing on the hope of achieving another goal redirects my focus off of my challenge. My illness, although still there, isn't my main focus. (Say that a person with a challenge also has kids. When they focus on their kids, their focus isn't on their challenge, and over time their pain hurts less, they have better perspective, and can choose what to do with their life instead of just being railroaded by their challenge and doing nothing. Eventually, if they choose it, they move on.)

When I got MS, I had two choices: 1) Be defeated, or 2) Be strong. I lamented a lot about the past, and constantly wanted what I'd had. Also, I learned a lot about myself. (I wouldn't have learned about myself had I chosen defeat, because I would just have complained about my illness and never learned anything good.) My life isn't just my illness - there's more to my life than that - but I choose whether or not to let my illness consume my entire life. Of course, my illness will consume my life for a while, but eventually I will pick up the reins and be the one to drive my life, not my illness.

The Many Forms of Love

There are many kinds of love. When I feel love, I could mistake it for 'passionate love' when it's not. It's OK to feel love, and to know that I'm not necessarily 'in love.' I'm sure there are other kinds of love that didn't make it to this list, but these are the kinds of love that I can think of. (Way to go! if you think of another one.)

Kinds of Love

Passionate Love

Parental Love

Sibling Love

Friend Love

Brotherly Love

Love of God

Love of Country

Love of Family

Love for people with whom I work

Love for people with whom I have something in common

Love for people I teach

Love for people I serve

Love for people in general

I'd rather feel love than hate! Love seems to lift, and hate seems to drag down. Love brings together and hate divides. I love that my country's Pledge of Allegiance says "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Some people don't want to say, "under God" ...that's another discussion. The words I want to emphasize are One nation and Indivisible...Also, part of my country's name says, "United." I feel proud to be an American. I feel good when I think of the things I love, and my heart feels happy knowing that I'm a part of many wonderful things.

True Spirituality

True spirituality is a deeply personal thing. It's when a person puts their weaknesses on the altar before God and admits that they're a weak person by saying, "Help me." It's exposing and vulnerable. I wanted people to think that I was strong, and that I could handle any/all of my problems, but The Lord wanted me to do the opposite. He wanted me to be vulnerable, exposed, weak, and He wanted me to courageously say, "Help me" so that He could do it.

I know today that He wants to be the one to make me strong; to turn my weaknesses into strengths. He wants to partner with me to tackle my problems, so that I don't have to face them alone. But when I trust in my own strength and handle my problems myself, I put myself first and Him second. He wants to be first, but He won't force (compel) me to chose Him because He wants me to make the choice myself. What a loving act - to give me my freedom. His kindness shows because He doesn't use force. Nor does He use shame (force,) but only encouragement. He has faith in me and believes in my ability to make good decisions. He gives me courage that, to me says, "You can do it," and I love him for it.

I thank Him for believing in me. I thank Him for improving me, and I thank Him for seeing more in me than I could see myself. He always does the right thing and has no regrets.

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

What a beautiful song, and what beautiful words! Wow! I just listened to this and it touched my heart:

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

The Painter’s hand is firm and never falters

As He shapes the living portrait of my soul

There is wisdom in each line He smooths and alters

Where I see unfinished canvas, there the Painter sees the whole

Chorus:

He knows the strength that grows in shadow

When I’m reaching for the light

He sees the majesty and glory

beyond my mortal sight

And though I may not understand

The artistry of heaven’s plan

I will trust the Painter’s hand unceasingly

He will make a masterpiece of me

The Painter’s hand is gentle as He renders

Every stroke of living color patiently

In shades of darkest night or brightest splendor

He reveals His grand design, and shows me what I’m meant to be

(Repeat chorus)

And when I come before Him, kneeling at His feet

I marvel at His love for one so small and incomplete

Then His spirit whispers peace to me

Restores my soul and teaches me

The wonder of my provenance and worth

(Repeat chorus)

-Sally DeFord

She said that just before she put this song on her website, she read the following from a friend on Facebook; how fitting:

Imagine this: you just painted an absolutely beautiful painting. It’s exactly what you wanted, and you’re really proud of it! You absolutely love it, so you give it to someone special. The problem is that they constantly point out the flaws. There’s always something that just isn’t right. And they don’t hang it up, they just leave it on the ground, not really caring what happens to it. Imagine that Heavenly Father is the painter, and you are the person He gave this painting to. Keep in mind that it breaks Heavenly Father’s heart to hear you constantly criticize yourself, out loud and in your head… You are absolutely beautiful in His eyes.

Remember It or It's Forgotten

If history isn't remembered, it will be forgotten (and sometimes repeated.) I heard a statement that I think is true. It is that, "There are no new ideas just new people." Some things existed so long ago that not only do people forget, but they don't know that they even existed. Here are some things that I believe are in jeopardy of being forgotten:

The Stasi. East German police existed before the Berlin wall came down...and they were VERY strict! The wall came down over 20 years ago. Now I see things in America that remind me of them, like spying on people, and people getting in trouble for what they say. Americans claim "freedom" in America, but America isn't as free today as it was in years past. I wouldn't be surprised if something like The Stasi came to the American government.

The USSR. When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, the USSR also ceased to exist. When the USSR existed, soviet countries were grouped together to form one big entity, like how the United States is one big entity made up of several states. (Imagine the USSR being made up of countries like how America is made up of states.) The Russians were feared and considered mean and tough by Americans. Some things made fun of Russians, but they were no laughing matter. Movies in the 80's like Stripes, Rocky 4, and Red Dawn depicted the Americans and the Russians (and the Americans always won.) Red Dawn was recently remade and depicted the North Koreans as bad guys, but in the original movie the bad guys were the Russians. The USSR may have dissolved, but Communism still exists today. If the USSR was so great, why do so many Russians live in America? We had freedom, they had oppression. We had freedom of religion, they had no religion-nothing that would take away people's loyalty from the government. The US govt. added "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1948 to combat the Godlessness of Comminism.

Dancers in the 40's. I watched an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance," and one couple had to do a Jazz routine to mimic people in the 1940's. The choreographer said, "The man should dance like Gene Kelly." The male dancer said, "I'm 19, I have never seen Gene Kelly." The choreographer should have also said, "And the woman should dance like Ginger Rogers" because the female dancer, danced like a 2013 not 1940's dancer. (At one point in their routine, I thought, 1940's dancers would never have done that...too risqué.) 1940's dancing will be forgotten if people don't remember it, and replaced with today's dancing. How Sad.

Christmas music 'sung back in the day.' Christmas music is redone every year by new artists. Songs are re-sung, even though they've already been re-sung. Call me a purist because I like the original renditions. New artists try to make the songs current, but I prefer Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, and Dolly Parton over Bruce Springstein, Clay Aiken, James Taylor and Madonna. Some things will always be "classics" to me.

Society evolves but not always into something good. Sometimes the original thing is better.

A Note About Unfairness

Dear Friends,

(I call you my friends because I truly think of you as friends. I don't say it to convince myself to like you but because that's really how I feel...if I didn't think it, I wouldn't say it.)

I've been adding my blogs (since 2009) to my journal (after all a blog is a public online journal, right?) After reading some blogs from 2012, I wanted to explain the way I am.

I don't get blindsided by trials and dwell on them for a long time. When I think something's unfair, I think it's unfair for a day then say, "It is what it is" and continue living my life. I don't dwell on the unfair thing for days or months, or never let it go. Perhaps I lament wishing for something different, but I don't lament about the thing that's out of my control because I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can do is determine how I react and what I do. 

Saying something's unfair isn't the same as complaining about a situation. When I say that something's unfair, I also say what I wish...so that it would be fair. Complaining about a situation is saying it's unfair...and that's it...no stating a solution, just complaining...how is just complaining helpful? I say, "Either state a solution (which may just be defending my beliefs, but, at least, it's doing something,) change it, or don't complain."

After reading some of my blogs in 2012 and knowing how I am today, I considered that perhaps some people thought, How can she speak about other things?...Isn't she still mad about the thing that happened to her last year? I got hurt and offended, and lamented in early 2012. After stating the thing that hurt me, I posted other things that were interesting because I carried on with my life. It took me a year to stop feeling hurt, but it only took me a day to realize "it is what it is" and know that I wouldn't let it affect my behavior. I decided how I wanted to be, and behaved that way.

I believe that by saying, "It is what it is," letting the thing go, and honestly stating the truth, it allowed me to accept the unfair thing that happened (accept that it happened) and be who I am. Unfair things happen to everyone; it's a fact of life. The important thing is how I responded. It took months for me to stop feeling hurt about the thing that happened to me, but by not dwelling on it, I learned from it. (I believe that we learn things even from crappy experiences.) I learned about forgiveness, judgement, and my behavior from a bad experience...how great for me!

An unfortunate thing happened to me but I got over it, and I still say what I think because I hope that my words help someone.