I Love the Visiting Teaching Program in My Church

My visiting teaching companion and I just finished visiting our last sister (for August) yesterday. Yay us! High five! I love visiting teaching! (We don't usually go this late in the month, but this month all of our schedules worked out that way.) Yes, it's a chore to go, to work around schedules, and to walk up many stairs (my personal mountain :) But I love knowing them and hearing about their lives. I love that I have the opportunity to watch over them. I love that I get the chance to serve them. They bring richness to my life, and I'm glad that we're friends. My companion encourages me to bravely do things that, otherwise, I wouldn't. She tells me about her life and her family, and she is my friend. (We would help our sisters if they needed it, and I know that she would help me. I would do the same for her, and I hope she knows that she can count on me.)

My visiting teacher is a sweet lady. She comes over every month and not only visits but also helps me with whatever I need. She says, "I know that I don't have to, but I want to." I love that she visits me even though her companion never comes. She doesn't let that stop her, and I feel her love for me.

Funny story: she can't hear very well (she has hearing aids,) and I can't talk very well! (We are like the blind leading the blind!) Last month, sadly, she lost one of her hearing aids - so when she visited me she really couldn't hear what I said. After me saying the same thing four times and her not understanding me I said, "I'm done!" I meant I'm done saying the same thing, and I feel frustrated so I'm going to stop saying this. Well, she thought I meant I'm done with our visit. She said a quick prayer, apologized, and quickly left. My husband poked his head around the corner from the kitchen upstairs and said, "That was weird!" 

My poor visiting teacher! I should have called her and set the record straight, but I didn't. For a month she probably thought that I had wanted her to leave. I talked to her at church last Sunday and she said, "If my hearing bothers you, they can get you someone else...it won't hurt my feelings...really." I told her what I had meant, and that I didn't want a new visiting teacher. She came over yesterday, and happily the past is now in the past.

I love that the women in my church watch over each other. I know that no matter where I live in the world, when I tell my church that I'm there a visiting teacher will visit me. I don't want to be an island - alone in the world, I want to have friends and relate with people.

The Lord Blesses Me With More Than What I Ask

I truly believe that The Lord wanted to bless me five years ago, before I got sick, but I couldn't receive it so he gave me a trial to make me stronger. How could I feel His love when I couldn't say, "I love you" to myself? His perfect love would have crushed me because I couldn't bear it. I felt that others deserved his love, but in my heart I didn't feel that I myself was worthy to receive anything good. It is so sad to hear how badly I thought and felt, but it's true. I've learned so many things in the last five years! Even in my trial, He blesses me as much as He can.

Before getting sick, I had plans for myself. Unfortunately, my heart didn't truly believe that some of the things I planned would actually come true. I wished and hoped for them to come true, but in all honesty, my heart didn't believe that some things would ever happen. 

To me, the Bible story in Mark 9 relates to this topic so well. The father wished and hoped that his son would be well, but in all honesty, he didn't truly believe it would ever happen. He hoped for any kind of help to stop his son from harming himself, but didn't ever think that his son would be completely healed and free from the things that tormented him. He said to Jesus, "Help me." The Lord knew the father's heart. The Savior knew that the father hoped but that even his hope was not complete. Jesus said, "All things are possible to him that believeth." I love the thing the father said in reply. He said, "Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief." The Savior didn't condemn him, He didn't chastise him and say, "I won't help you until you believe," No! Instead, He completely healed his son. Jesus Christ blessed the father...and more than the father hoped.

The Lord is good. I believe that he wants to bless me. I truly believe Him - in my heart. I trust Him completely, and I couldn't say that five years ago. He doesn't want me to have trials, or hard times, but it's through struggles that I learn. He doesn't teach me when I'm happy - he rejoices with me! He teaches me when I'm sad. If my trial isn't permanent and if I don't learn, then I get to experience the same trial again. I love that He blesses me as much as He can.

Finally, I Can Truly Acknowledge the Truth About My Illness

I moved on with my life (stopped focusing on my illness) because enough time went by with me living my new normal that it felt more 'normal' than my old normal. Before I moved on, I just wanted what I'd had. This is the first time that I've even wanted to candidly acknowledge the truth about my illness, and can do so without crying. I've acknowledged components of my character (how I'm strong, I won't give in, I can do it, etc.) but I've never positively acknowledged my illness. I've never been a support to anyone (I've felt that I needed support rather than that I could give it.) And, I can relate to anyone who is dealing with something hard; not just people with MS. I understand the pain, the disappointment, and the grief of dealing with adversity. Nothing challenges you more than a trial - I can truly attest to that. And, nothing will tell you, better than a trial, what your made of - I can attest to that too.

Life isn't always happiness and roses, sometimes life is hard. I truly believe, however, that my attitude determines whether my challenges are hard or easy. Looking on the bright side and counting my blessings helps me to see good things, too - not just bad things. I believe that hope allows me to live my life and to continue to progress, instead of just getting blindsided by challenges and never continuing to grow. Focusing on the hope of achieving another goal redirects my focus off of my challenge. My illness, although still there, isn't my main focus. (Say that a person with a challenge also has kids. When they focus on their kids, their focus isn't on their challenge, and over time their pain hurts less, they have better perspective, and can choose what to do with their life instead of just being railroaded by their challenge and doing nothing. Eventually, if they choose it, they move on.)

When I got MS, I had two choices: 1) Be defeated, or 2) Be strong. I lamented a lot about the past, and constantly wanted what I'd had. Also, I learned a lot about myself. (I wouldn't have learned about myself had I chosen defeat, because I would just have complained about my illness and never learned anything good.) My life isn't just my illness - there's more to my life than that - but I choose whether or not to let my illness consume my entire life. Of course, my illness will consume my life for a while, but eventually I will pick up the reins and be the one to drive my life, not my illness.

The Many Forms of Love

There are many kinds of love. When I feel love, I could mistake it for 'passionate love' when it's not. It's OK to feel love, and to know that I'm not necessarily 'in love.' I'm sure there are other kinds of love that didn't make it to this list, but these are the kinds of love that I can think of. (Way to go! if you think of another one.)

Kinds of Love

Passionate Love

Parental Love

Sibling Love

Friend Love

Brotherly Love

Love of God

Love of Country

Love of Family

Love for people with whom I work

Love for people with whom I have something in common

Love for people I teach

Love for people I serve

Love for people in general

I'd rather feel love than hate! Love seems to lift, and hate seems to drag down. Love brings together and hate divides. I love that my country's Pledge of Allegiance says "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Some people don't want to say, "under God" ...that's another discussion. The words I want to emphasize are One nation and Indivisible...Also, part of my country's name says, "United." I feel proud to be an American. I feel good when I think of the things I love, and my heart feels happy knowing that I'm a part of many wonderful things.

True Spirituality

True spirituality is a deeply personal thing. It's when a person puts their weaknesses on the altar before God and admits that they're a weak person by saying, "Help me." It's exposing and vulnerable. I wanted people to think that I was strong, and that I could handle any/all of my problems, but The Lord wanted me to do the opposite. He wanted me to be vulnerable, exposed, weak, and He wanted me to courageously say, "Help me" so that He could do it.

I know today that He wants to be the one to make me strong; to turn my weaknesses into strengths. He wants to partner with me to tackle my problems, so that I don't have to face them alone. But when I trust in my own strength and handle my problems myself, I put myself first and Him second. He wants to be first, but He won't force (compel) me to chose Him because He wants me to make the choice myself. What a loving act - to give me my freedom. His kindness shows because He doesn't use force. Nor does He use shame (force,) but only encouragement. He has faith in me and believes in my ability to make good decisions. He gives me courage that, to me says, "You can do it," and I love him for it.

I thank Him for believing in me. I thank Him for improving me, and I thank Him for seeing more in me than I could see myself. He always does the right thing and has no regrets.

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

What a beautiful song, and what beautiful words! Wow! I just listened to this and it touched my heart:

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

The Painter’s hand is firm and never falters

As He shapes the living portrait of my soul

There is wisdom in each line He smooths and alters

Where I see unfinished canvas, there the Painter sees the whole

Chorus:

He knows the strength that grows in shadow

When I’m reaching for the light

He sees the majesty and glory

beyond my mortal sight

And though I may not understand

The artistry of heaven’s plan

I will trust the Painter’s hand unceasingly

He will make a masterpiece of me

The Painter’s hand is gentle as He renders

Every stroke of living color patiently

In shades of darkest night or brightest splendor

He reveals His grand design, and shows me what I’m meant to be

(Repeat chorus)

And when I come before Him, kneeling at His feet

I marvel at His love for one so small and incomplete

Then His spirit whispers peace to me

Restores my soul and teaches me

The wonder of my provenance and worth

(Repeat chorus)

-Sally DeFord

She said that just before she put this song on her website, she read the following from a friend on Facebook; how fitting:

Imagine this: you just painted an absolutely beautiful painting. It’s exactly what you wanted, and you’re really proud of it! You absolutely love it, so you give it to someone special. The problem is that they constantly point out the flaws. There’s always something that just isn’t right. And they don’t hang it up, they just leave it on the ground, not really caring what happens to it. Imagine that Heavenly Father is the painter, and you are the person He gave this painting to. Keep in mind that it breaks Heavenly Father’s heart to hear you constantly criticize yourself, out loud and in your head… You are absolutely beautiful in His eyes.

Remember It or It's Forgotten

If history isn't remembered, it will be forgotten (and sometimes repeated.) I heard a statement that I think is true. It is that, "There are no new ideas just new people." Some things existed so long ago that not only do people forget, but they don't know that they even existed. Here are some things that I believe are in jeopardy of being forgotten:

The Stasi. East German police existed before the Berlin wall came down...and they were VERY strict! The wall came down over 20 years ago. Now I see things in America that remind me of them, like spying on people, and people getting in trouble for what they say. Americans claim "freedom" in America, but America isn't as free today as it was in years past. I wouldn't be surprised if something like The Stasi came to the American government.

The USSR. When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, the USSR also ceased to exist. When the USSR existed, soviet countries were grouped together to form one big entity, like how the United States is one big entity made up of several states. (Imagine the USSR being made up of countries like how America is made up of states.) The Russians were feared and considered mean and tough by Americans. Some things made fun of Russians, but they were no laughing matter. Movies in the 80's like Stripes, Rocky 4, and Red Dawn depicted the Americans and the Russians (and the Americans always won.) Red Dawn was recently remade and depicted the North Koreans as bad guys, but in the original movie the bad guys were the Russians. The USSR may have dissolved, but Communism still exists today. If the USSR was so great, why do so many Russians live in America? We had freedom, they had oppression. We had freedom of religion, they had no religion-nothing that would take away people's loyalty from the government. The US govt. added "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1948 to combat the Godlessness of Comminism.

Dancers in the 40's. I watched an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance," and one couple had to do a Jazz routine to mimic people in the 1940's. The choreographer said, "The man should dance like Gene Kelly." The male dancer said, "I'm 19, I have never seen Gene Kelly." The choreographer should have also said, "And the woman should dance like Ginger Rogers" because the female dancer, danced like a 2013 not 1940's dancer. (At one point in their routine, I thought, 1940's dancers would never have done that...too risqué.) 1940's dancing will be forgotten if people don't remember it, and replaced with today's dancing. How Sad.

Christmas music 'sung back in the day.' Christmas music is redone every year by new artists. Songs are re-sung, even though they've already been re-sung. Call me a purist because I like the original renditions. New artists try to make the songs current, but I prefer Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, and Dolly Parton over Bruce Springstein, Clay Aiken, James Taylor and Madonna. Some things will always be "classics" to me.

Society evolves but not always into something good. Sometimes the original thing is better.

A Note About Unfairness

Dear Friends,

(I call you my friends because I truly think of you as friends. I don't say it to convince myself to like you but because that's really how I feel...if I didn't think it, I wouldn't say it.)

I've been adding my blogs (since 2009) to my journal (after all a blog is a public online journal, right?) After reading some blogs from 2012, I wanted to explain the way I am.

I don't get blindsided by trials and dwell on them for a long time. When I think something's unfair, I think it's unfair for a day then say, "It is what it is" and continue living my life. I don't dwell on the unfair thing for days or months, or never let it go. Perhaps I lament wishing for something different, but I don't lament about the thing that's out of my control because I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can do is determine how I react and what I do. 

Saying something's unfair isn't the same as complaining about a situation. When I say that something's unfair, I also say what I wish...so that it would be fair. Complaining about a situation is saying it's unfair...and that's it...no stating a solution, just complaining...how is just complaining helpful? I say, "Either state a solution (which may just be defending my beliefs, but, at least, it's doing something,) change it, or don't complain."

After reading some of my blogs in 2012 and knowing how I am today, I considered that perhaps some people thought, How can she speak about other things?...Isn't she still mad about the thing that happened to her last year? I got hurt and offended, and lamented in early 2012. After stating the thing that hurt me, I posted other things that were interesting because I carried on with my life. It took me a year to stop feeling hurt, but it only took me a day to realize "it is what it is" and know that I wouldn't let it affect my behavior. I decided how I wanted to be, and behaved that way.

I believe that by saying, "It is what it is," letting the thing go, and honestly stating the truth, it allowed me to accept the unfair thing that happened (accept that it happened) and be who I am. Unfair things happen to everyone; it's a fact of life. The important thing is how I responded. It took months for me to stop feeling hurt about the thing that happened to me, but by not dwelling on it, I learned from it. (I believe that we learn things even from crappy experiences.) I learned about forgiveness, judgement, and my behavior from a bad experience...how great for me!

An unfortunate thing happened to me but I got over it, and I still say what I think because I hope that my words help someone.

History Repeats Itself

Parents, PLEASE read what I said before and take it seriously. Kids, PLEASE listen to your conscience and do what's right. What I said before.