A Snippet of My Day So Far

I truly don't know what to say on my blog today; my mind is blank. Just returned from watching the new X-Men movie at the AMC 30 Fork and Screen - which I really liked!! Now I'm home relaxing in my chair with my left-over bag of popcorn and refill of diet Pepsi. I've read all new emails on my iPad, checked Facebook, and after this will play a riveting game (or two) of Spider Solitaire-yes, of course two suits! (The previous sentence may sound boring but at least I'm chillin' and not doing some kind of sweaty manual labor!) I love Saturdays :)

Turning to the Best Source

I believe that at some point everyone pleads "help me" to God. We'd like to think we have life under control and don't need his help, but perhaps when we're all alone or in our mind sometimes we pray to him to help us. We might think we're better than the person who's addiction we can see, but everyone struggles with something. At some point everyone needs their loving Heavenly Father to help them. He helps us but is it recognized?

Yesterday morning a negative thought and feeling reminded me that I'm a failure because I'm not perfect. I felt like crap. I took a shower and still felt bad then certain words to a primary song repeated in my mind: "Through a still small voice the spirit speaks to me...listen, listen to the still small voice". Two voices in my mind. I focused on good things and ended up feeling good. Another thought in my mind said to think only good things. I thought about how from childhood to now the church had been a huge influence in my life and had always been inspiring. Soon I felt good

I believe he helped me but I had the choice of which thought to listen to. (It's like a little devil sat on one of my shoulders and whispered bad things in my ear, and a little angel sat on my other shoulder and whispered good things in my ear but I had to choose which one I'd listen to.)

I truly think that if I don't focus on negative feelings they will go away. (It's like focusing on what I want not what I don't want.) When I'm on my way to overcoming something but then relapse I might think I'm a failure because I gave in; I suck; I can't do it so why even try; I'm weak, and let those negative thoughts become more negative thoughts. I could keep lying to myself and telling myself things that make me feel bad, or I could tell myself the truth and hope for good things like I'm not a failure just because I gave in; I'm not perfect but I'm trying to overcome this and I won't give up; I'm good; I'm strong.

Some things are really hard to overcome but I can do it and I won't quit trying. I know that God helps me - he loves me, he wants the best for me - just like a parent loves their child simply because they exist. I feel sad when I give in to things I'm trying to overcome, but I know that I'm not overcoming it alone because He helps me.

I Want These Traits

How is trying depicted? Is it this?

Or this?

I love people. I believe we can all have COURAGE to get our goals and accomplish our dreams. FAITH to withstand fearful things. HOPE to wish for good things. LOVE to love God, others, and ourselves. (I believe we are all tremendously loved.) BELIEF IN SELF that we can do it, that we're strong, and that we're good. OBEDIENCE to realize that we can follow rules. and GIVING to think of others, not just ourselves.

We all have faults, but we can overcome those faults and try to be our best selves. Why not do that? Why not try to be as good as possible? I believe that trying and being good brings happiness. I think that sometimes people don't do things because its what other people want. (I never like being compelled and feeling like I have to.) I truly think that they want to do it, but they want to do it and they want to have the choice. I say that even if other people want them to do it, why not do it and in their heart say "I'm doing it because *I* want to". I think, Why not try to be what you want?

I know I can always be better. Sometimes I fail when I try but I truly believe the important thing is to get back on the horse when it bucks you off - to try again when I fail. My greatest hope is that others are happy - when they're happy I'm happy. 

Reflecting on What I've Said

I believe I'm a better writer than five years ago. Back then, I wanted to learn things about writing. I'm not an expert (especially in grammar and punctuation) but I've greatly improved. I've learned things and had experiences over the years that have made my writing better, and I'm happy to say now that I'm improved.

As I read the entries on my writing blog I see how I could make things better. The content is still good but technically it could be improved . My book is a work in progress and I address it again. I have plans for my writings and they don't include just being on my blog. Let me clearly state my meaning and not be vague: I plan to improve my works and maybe publish them. (If I do publish, I hope they will be well received.)

My words are my art. I'm stronger now so if my words get rejected I can handle it. No one wants to be like the mother who shows her baby to someone and they say it's ugly. Nevertheless, I know that what someone says is just an opinion and it won't stop me from getting what I want.

I Love Being Female

As I watched the most recent General Woman's meeting of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, these thoughts went through my mind:

- The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints loves and honors women. Men hold the priesthood in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and women are revered. Families are central to Heavenly Fathers plan. Families that include a father and a mother, a man and a woman.

- Look at how many organizations in The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints are run by women including Relief Society, Young Women and Primary. The organizations in the church run by men are Sacrament Meeting, Sunday School, and Young Men. The organizations are run 50% by men and 50% by women. If the church catered to men, women wouldn't have any leadership roles. The church is fair to both women and men.

- I love relating to women. I love being a woman and being part of a group of faithful people. God shows me his love through the love of others. I enjoy feeling love.

Saying Nice Things

Should I stop saying honest things because they sound judgmental and only say 'nice' things so I sound nice? Yes. People can do what they will-just like I will only do things if I want. I'll hope for them but I won't judge. I'll say things on my blog from now on that don't condemn.

I will 'be like' my Savior but I won't 'be' my Savior. I will follow him and do what he said including: "Judge not", "Love one another", "Keep my commandments" and "Follow me".

The things I learn are meant to help me but they aren't meant for me to tell anyone else how to be. People can learn for themselves just like I learned for myself. Besides I'm not their teacher, but the Holy Ghost. I may be a vessel the Holy Ghost works through but I need to only say things (uplifting, edifying, and encouraging things) when prompted.

I get irritated by things but I don't need to express my irritation. Instead I need to express my faith.

Is Kindness Diminishing?

People are outside mowing their lawns early on Sunday morning. What happened to courtesy? What happened to waiting until later to do things that might bother others? Is it just where I live? I feel disturbed by the selfishness I hear but maybe it only happens in my neighborhood.

I hope that at some point those people will think of someone besides themselves. I can only hope but the choice belongs to them. What they do is not up to me, but I can maybe influence their choice by my words. I feel like I'm complaining, but how can anyone fix something if they don't know about the problem?

I'm not implying that I'm perfect and they're not. I'm implying that they are doing something wrong and I hope they'll correct themselves. I love people and give them freedom to be how they will, but honesty sounds like judgment. I'm sorry if people think I'm judging because I'm not, I just want people (including myself) to have good behavior.

Feeling Improved by My Hard Thing

I wrote in the third person yesterday but it didn't feel like me. Maybe third person is good for some things but not my 'Musings' blog. Thanks for going on the journey of discovery with me.

It's raining off and on today and I'm glad because my plants could always use the water! Per is at SAMS Club buying stuff including Memorial Day food. (We're gonna BBQ baby back pork ribs in his no-oil turkey cooker-to see how it goes on Monday, and smoke a salmon in the smoker (yum!) on Sunday. It's a ton of food but it sure will taste good and we don't have to eat all of it! We'll have Per's yummy potato salad and also corn on the cob on Monday and it will truly be a celebration of summer and of remembering veterans!)

Today, I seem to be moving well. I set something in the microwave and turned it on for two minutes. Then I walked over to the fridge and back to the counter, took other things out of the cupboard and drawer, and the microwave still had a minute to go. In the past, the microwave would have beeped before I did those things. Who knows how I'll move tomorrow, but today I'm moving well!

One of the things having MS has taught me is to have more patience. I used to whip through things so fast that I didn't take the time to notice them. Often I'd operate on 'auto-pilot' because my mind was somewhere else. For many years after having MS I would get upset and cry about finding joy in a little thing-like walking down a step. Now, I can see it as a great accomplishment because I tried and because it was the best I could do. But then, it frustrated me.

A lot has changed for me since having MS. I move slowly now whereas in the past I moved fast. No longer can I do many things. But thankfully, five years have gone by that have allowed me time to accept my new reality. Truly, time heals all wounds.

Recently I thought, if I see improvement in a year it will be good. I laughed because there was a time that I thought, how can I endure this for a day? My trial is hard but it has truly improved me.

The Girl Continued to Smoke

I heard a good suggestion: To speak in the third person instead of the first person when writing; in my case, to say SHE and HER instead of I. I'm going try it and see how it goes. Please comment and tell me what you think.

A friend told her that the girl continued to smoke even when pregnant. She considered how it would be very hard to give up an addiction. She also thought about how every event came with a choice. She wondered if the girl had even thought that temporarily giving up smoking to have a healthy baby was worth the sacrifice. Maybe the girl rationalized in her mind why smoking while pregnant was okay.

She reflected on the girl and reminded herself how when tempted to give in, reminding herself of what she actually wanted helped her tremendously. (Looking at stuff, reading words, or hearing things about what she wanted created feelings of resolve.) She thought about how it's a choice to stay on track or to quit. She remembered how sometimes it's hard to stay on track. Then she reminded herself how when she stayed on track and remembered what she actually wanted, she more likely got it.

I've Made Progress

In a lot of ways my thinking and speaking isn't so black & white; either this or that. I've softened regarding some things. (For example: saying 'some' not 'all', and saying 'maybe', 'perhaps' and 'it seems like' not 'it is'.)

I used to say more generalizations (like 'Kansans' instead of 'some Kansans' or 'Mormons' instead of 'some Mormons') and grouped everyone in the same category.

Regarding myself, I used to think, 'if I can't do it really good then I won't do it at all'. Now I think, 'I may not do it perfectly but at least I'm doing my best and I tried'. I'm definitely not perfect ... at not being perfect, but I've made progress.

Wanting to Act Not React

Kindness

Sometimes my gut reaction is to burst in anger and say mean things. I don't want to do that ... ever! I really want to be in charge of myself at all times, and choose at all times how to act. I don't want to sometimes react with instinct but instead want to choose what to do.

Yesterday (while sitting in my living room chair) I had the impression that honesty diffused anger. I thought about the idea, and in my mind saw how when I said my feelings they wouldn't get bottled up and cause me to eventually explode.

I don't want to explode yet I want to say how I feel. I never control people's actions. It wouldn't be right to expect them to do what I wanted because they could make up their own minds. Sometimes people don't do what I want but the nice thing is to accept how it is and be nice anyway.

I totally believe that I control how I act. Sometimes I might feel to lash out, but at those times I need to suppress my instinct and instead be nice. I'm not an animal that only acts on instinct, I'm a human that chooses how to act. (I truly believe that if I don't give in to my instincts, those feelings will eventually go away.)

I'm thankful for my journal where I can express my feelings. When I'm mad I need to write down how I feel and not hurt anyone.

My Last Handwritten Journal

I came across the last journal I ever hand wrote (from Oct 6, 2009 to March 21, 2010). It's not very long so I decided to transcribe it to MSWord. (Also, the typed words are easier to read.) During this journal is when I decided to write online. I stopped writing for months in 2010 (because I hated my handwriting), but eventually I decided to write online because I missed the therapeutic force I felt from writing in my journal.

I thought I missed hand writing but it turns out that I missed expressing myself. There are many ways to write and I learned that writing online meant just as much to me as writing with a pen. Yes, I miss my handwriting but I'm grateful that I can still write even though I no longer hand write.

Maybe my handwriting wasn't supposed to last for my entire life. I was happy with hand writing in my journal because I'd done it for years, but I have to say that now that I've written online for years, I like writing electronically so much better. Why? Because I can backspace a word and say what I truly mean (nothing is ever set in stone), because I can go back and edit technical flaws (editing is never done!), and because I can write either from my computer or from my iPad (I don't have to be in a certain place).

Like I said before, sometimes I miss my nice handwriting but life evolves and we progress. I'm just glad that I can say what's on my mind.

Memories, Hopes, and Dreams

I have a box of things that belonged to me as a young girl. It's interesting to compare what I valued then to what I value now. Then I valued worldly things: my favorite comic strips, things I made, accomplishments, things I wore, and fan club memorabilia. What I value today isn't so tangible. Things I value now are things in my character like patience, kindness, mercy, and love. In today's world, I also value these things:

• I love to learn. There are many ways to learn including from experiences, from books, from people, from music, from ideas, from seeing - hearing - touching - tasting - smelling things, from emotions, and from thinking. (I'm sure there are other ways to learn but these things are what came to me.) Learning expands my mind.
• I love things that inspire me. It wouldn't matter if I couldn't see inspiring things with my eyes because I would see them with my mind.
• I love the positive, the optimistic, and the good. I'm glad to see good things, not just the negative, the pessimistic, and the bad. I hope for things and have faith in good outcomes. I believe in the best.

Tangible things have value and they also don't. They don't because I can't take them with me when I die. They do because they remind me of people or my goals. I appreciate my old things, they aren't reminders of the future but are reminders of my youth.

My Family Makes Me Happy

I love my family, being a mom, and being a wife. Family life isn't always roses but when I step back and look at the big picture of what a family means - love, care, fun, togetherness - I'm thankful to have them in my life.

I know that some people's family is not the way they want. My heart goes out to them and I hope they find peace. I'm just thinking about my family today and want to say that I love them!

What F.O.C.U.S. Means to Me

I've experienced this scenario countless times: I'm doing something. I start doing something else. I tell myself, "Finish the first thing before starting the second thing". I believe there's no such thing as multitasking-doing two or more things each at 100%. I may do more than one thing at a time but unless I focus on just one task, I won't give 100%.

Many times before getting MS this was my scenario for cooking dinner: Having the TV on but not watching it, talking on the phone, my young child sitting on my foot, and me cooking something on the stove. I liked juggling many things and feeling "busy". I cooked dinner, set the table, knew my family would shove the food in their mouths in 10 minutes and leave me with a mess to clean up, nevertheless I did it because I loved them. I didn't give 100% to cooking dinner - I did it because we had to eat.

The F.O.C.U.S. acronym doesn't apply to every situation (case in point: the above scenario). But for people like me who start another thing before finishing the first, sometimes it's helpful to remember to finish the first thing before starting something else.

Remembering a Long Time Ago

This is me 11 years ago. So many things caused me to change including that I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness...not stress. I wanted those things so much that I was willing to give up some things I loved. At the time I worked in a strip-mall behind McDonald's and several times I went there before or after work. I was willing to not go to McDonald's because I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness more.

My favorite restaurant (Tequila Harry's) was across the street and several times I went there with my friend. I was willing to not go to Tequila Harry's because I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness. I replaced my old habits with new ones and they helped me get my goal. Giving up those places brought other things into my life that led to much enlightenment, serenity, and happiness.

Changing is hard-I know! But it's also a leap of faith that brings what I really want into my life. For years I wished for things to be different, but that time I did things that brought about differences...and much happiness.

Doing What Makes Me Happy

A wonderful book
My friend told me about a book called The Artist's Way (which is a fabulous book). I believe that EVERYONE is an artist when they do what they love. It's easy to confuse fine art (painting, dancing, singing, writing, photography) with art. But an artist is someone who creates, therefore an artist could be anyone who loves what they do. When you do what you love you give 100%. (If I loved numbers and was an accountant, everything I made would be great because I put my heart and soul into it-I did it with 100% effort.)

In the book The Artist's Way the author lists 10 basic principles. I believe these principles relate to everyone and they are a good gauge to measure them being true to themselves. The 10 things are statements, but to use them as a gauge maybe they need to be questions and supporting statements.

The basic principles
Basic Principles

1. Creativity is the natural order of life. Life is energy: pure, creative energy.
2. There is an underlying, in-dwelling creative force infusing all of life – including ourselves.
3. When we open ourselves to our creativity, we open ourselves to the creator’s creativity within us and our lives.
4. We are, ourselves, creations. And we, in turn, are meant to continue creativity by being ourselves.
5. Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.
6. The refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our true nature.
7. When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: good orderly direction.
8. As we open our creative channel to the creator, many gentle but powerful changes are to be expected.
9. It is safe to open ourselves up to greater and greater creativity.
10. Our creative dreams and yearnings come from a divine source. As we move toward our dreams, we move toward our divinity.

My idea of the basic principles
Basic Principles as questions/supporting statements

1. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will flow like energy.
2. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will come naturally.
3. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will allow the Creator to work through me.
4. Am I doing what I love? If I am, this is what I'm meant to do.
5. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will be my gift to God. (My creativity is a gift from Him.)
6. Am I doing what I love? If I am, that's super! (The refusal to be creative goes against my true nature.)
7. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will cause more creativity and will cause more experiences where the Creator can work through me.
8. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will allow me to be my true self.
9. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity is okay and will allow me to be truly creative. (It's risky to be creative and follow my heart when the world tells me to do what causes stability. But if I don't be true to myself, I won't be happy. My creativity may not pay off immediately but I believe that it will. I believe in myself, and I believe in my dreams.)
10. Am I doing what I love? If I am, my creativity will move me toward my dreams and toward divinity.

Why I need to do what I love
I truly believe that if people did what they loved (their natural gift) there'd be less stress in the world. I also believe that people would be happier. I believe its a trick from the adversary designed to take away our happiness that we are told to do what makes money-no matter what it is (we believe it) instead of doing what makes us happy.

Extending a Helping Hand

I love lighthouses. I love how they shine their lights for ships to say, "Watch out for the rocks!" The warning is such a nice thing to do. Just think, if the lighthouse wasn't there the ship could crash! Sometimes I feel like a lighthouse. I tell people what I know and hope it helps them. My philosophy is that if I know it then I'll tell it. Why would I keep it to myself and make it harder on them? What if they never learn what I knew? I tell what I know and get off the hook.

I believe that anyone who speaks up is a lighthouse. (Logically speaking, they spoke up and possibly saved someone from harm.) Friends do that-they say helpful and honest things because they care. I think to myself, 'Why not care and be nice?'

 

Progressing Toward My Goal

This is me last Sunday (May 2014):

This is me one year ago (July 2013, in Sweden):

This is me two years ago (April 2012, at Bryan's wedding):

Wow! What a difference I see in my face! I've been trying very much to reach a weight goal for my vacation next year and these pics are motivation to keep going. They tell me 1) I AM making a difference, 2) I look better already, 3) God IS helping me. I had an impression months ago that if I did all I could, He would help me. I'm serious about reaching my goal and haven't given up after five months. In these pictures I see that He HAS helped me and it gives me encouragement to reach my goal.

I'm not losing weight because I am unhappy with myself but because I want to do it. I truly believe that God helps me after all I can do. He wants to know that I'm serious, so He doesn't help me immediately. The word 'after' sticks out in my mind. In January 2013 I gave up beef and believe that after I changed my diet He blessed me with more energy. In March 2014 I gave up turning to food and doing emotional eating and after committing in my heart to change I believe He blessed me.

I make the scriptures personal to me by adding my name after the word 'you'. This scripture stands out to me: "I will go before your face [Jade Lovgren]. I will be on your right hand and on your left, ... and my angels round about you, to bear you up" (D&C 84:88) I interpret this to mean "I will be with you and help you and my angels will be with you and help you to bear your burdens." I see this is true in the pictures above. Who knows how many times the angels have whispered in my ear to make good choices. I'm grateful for the assistance I see so far and know that God and the angels will continue to help me.

Celebrating Mother's Day

Mother's Day was so fun yesterday. Church was great and we had fun together at the Japanese Steakhouse. I love spending time with people - especially my family. I'm sure that a lot of people had fun yesterday honoring their mothers.

What makes a mother? A woman that loves her children. Most of the time, she's the one who sits up with her kids in the middle of the night. She's the one who eats the ripped pancake, the burnt toast, or the egg with the broken yolk so the perfect food can go to them. She kisses boo-boos, blows on owies and makes things better. When big burly football players in the NFL get the camera in their face what do they say? "Hi Mom". I'm glad there's a day every year to remember moms, 'cuz they deserve it.

This Trial Will NOT Defeat Me

Everyone Faces Hard Things
My friend is enduring something hard and I wish I could carry her burden for her. I know the logic behind trials; including that they make you stronger and a greater person, but I never like to see anyone suffer.

Endurance is more easily said than done
It's one thing to say, "I'm going to run a marathon" but quite another thing to actually run 26 miles and not quit. The only thing other people can do is help you (cheer you on, give you a drink) but you're the one who runs the race-it's just you, the pavement, and your goal.

While a runner runs a race they have a lot of time to think. Is it helpful to think things like this? "I'm tired, I'm gonna quit. I might as well stop, I'm in last place. I failed." or like this? "I'm tired, but I'll keep going. I can do it. I WILL do it and I don't care if I'm the last person to cross that finish line, at least I'll cross it."

Pep-talks are helpful
I see how giving myself a pep-talk gives me the motivation to reach my goal. I remember years ago I took a walk to get some exercise and the walk was hard. I was sweating, my heart was beating, and I still had half a mile to go. I felt like quitting-slowing down and walking leisurely, but at that moment I started talking to God in my head. I said I was tired, but I had the impression to finish. I rounded a corner and a wind cooled me off. It was the motivation I needed to keep going. 'Thank you, Lord' I thought, then I thought 'I can do it, I can make it and I WILL'. I made it and I truly believe that God blessed me after I did all I could do.

Kind Words are Good
It's tough to face disappointing things and it's easy to get discouraged. At the discouraging times are when I need a pep-talk whether from myself or from another person. An experience I had relates to this so well.

I had had MS for two years and I felt really down. I seemed to experience something frustrating every day (what I used to do but now couldn't). I talked to my Dad on the phone and somehow the fact that he'd been disabled for 17 years with something else comforted me. I asked him if there was a time before he was positive that he ever said, "This sucks." He said he didn't remember and that being positive was the only way he knew how to be. He told me that my strength inspired him, and it shocked me because he was strong for 17 years and I had been sick for only two years. We talked some more and during the course of our conversation he told me other things. I needed to hear the things he said that day and believe his words were a tender mercy.

Everyone Needs to Hear Inspiration
Some things are hard-believe me, I know! But the most important thing I believe with all my heart is to endure. To never quit. To think 'just take one more step' and to do all that's possible. I also believe that sometimes I need a pep-talk. I need to hear encouraging words that will spur me on not vile words that will make me stop. I love this poem, it encourages me:

                                     The Race

Whenever I start to hang my head in front of failure’s face,
    my downward fall is broken by the memory of a race.

A children’s race, young boys, young men; how I remember well,
    excitement sure, but also fear, it wasn’t hard to tell.
They all lined up so full of hope, each thought to win that race    
    or tie for first, or if not that, at least take second place.

Their parents watched from off the side, each cheering for their son,
    and each boy hoped to show his folks that he would be the one.
The whistle blew and off they flew, like chariots of fire,
    to win, to be the hero there, was each young boy’s desire.

One boy in particular, whose dad was in the crowd,
    was running in the lead and thought “My dad will be so proud.”
But as he speeded down the field and crossed a shallow dip,
    the little boy who thought he’d win, lost his step and slipped.

Trying hard to catch himself, his arms flew everyplace,
    and midst the laughter of the crowd he fell flat on his face.
As he fell, his hope fell too; he couldn’t win it now.
    Humiliated, he just wished to disappear somehow.

But as he fell his dad stood up and showed his anxious face,
    which to the boy so clearly said, “Get up and win that race!”
He quickly rose, no damage done, behind a bit that’s all,
    and ran with all his mind and might to make up for his fall.

 So anxious to restore himself, to catch up and to win,
    his mind went faster than his legs. He slipped and fell again.
He wished that he had quit before with only one disgrace.
    “I’m hopeless as a runner now, I shouldn’t try to race.”

But through the laughing crowd he searched and found his father’s face
    with a steady look that said again, “Get up and win that race!”
So he jumped up to try again, ten yards behind the last.
    “If I’m to gain those yards,” he thought, “I’ve got to run real fast!”

Exceeding everything he had, he regained eight, then ten...
    but trying hard to catch the lead, he slipped and fell again.
Defeat! He lay there silently. A tear dropped from his eye.
    “There’s no sense running anymore! Three strikes I’m out! Why try?

I’ve lost, so what’s the use?” he thought. “I’ll live with my disgrace.”
    But then he thought about his dad, who soon he’d have to face.
“Get up,” an echo sounded low, “you haven’t lost at all,
    for all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall."

Get up!” the echo urged him on, “Get up and take your place!
    You were not meant for failure here! Get up and win that race!”
So, up he rose to run once more, refusing to forfeit,
    and he resolved that win or lose, at least he wouldn’t quit.

 So far behind the others now, the most he’d ever been,
    still he gave it all he had and ran like he could win.
Three times he’d fallen stumbling, three times he rose again.
    Too far behind to hope to win, he still ran to the end.

They cheered another boy who crossed the line and won first place,
    head high and proud and happy -- no falling, no disgrace.
But, when the fallen youngster crossed the line, in last place,
    the crowd gave him a greater cheer for finishing the race.

And even though he came in last with head bowed low, unproud,
    you would have thought he’d won the race, to listen to the crowd.
And to his dad he sadly said, “I didn’t do so well.”
    “To me, you won,” his father said. “You rose each time you fell.”

And now when things seem dark and bleak and difficult to face,
    the memory of that little boy helps me in my own race.

For all of life is like that race, with ups and downs and all.
    And all you have to do to win is rise each time you fall.
And when depression and despair shout loudly in my face,
    another voice within me says, “Get up and win that race!”

Thinking About Someone Besides Myself

I was sleeping this morning when I heard music playing outside at 730AM! Just because that person was awake and ready to work outside didn't mean their music wouldn't disturb me. That person was clearly not thinking about how other people would be affected by their choice.

I am reminded of how some people do things or allow things to disturb me then have the attitude like "they need to understand". Why do I need to understand and accept wrong behavior? They need to not allow things to disturb me.

I see the attitude of selfishness becoming more prevalent these days. It seems like a lot of people (even people my age and older) have this thought, 'everyone does it so I'll do it too'. I can hear a mother tell her child "If everyone jumped off a bridge would you do it too? You have your own brain and can decide for yourself between right and wrong."

It seems like even though some people have brains that can decide between right and wrong, they don't care and seem to tell me, "deal with it". I don't want to deal with it and don't think I should. My hope for people who do selfish things is that they think about someone besides themselves. Thinking about others removes the blinders from their eyes and allows them to see/consider others, not just think about themselves.

Loving People

One of the things I've learned from my trial is to be more accepting. I'm not perfectly accepting but I'm way more accepting than I was before. I used to have such drastic thinking - either this or that, right or wrong, good or bad. And I was always on the best side. All I know is that I don't need to judge anyone until I've walked a mile in their shoes. There are so many reasons why people do things - and many are things that I don't know about. Bottom line: I never have the right to judge anyone and they never have the right to judge me. We are all free to be who we want.

I speak as if I lived in a perfect world. Here's another bottom line: people are gonna judge me but I will try my best not to judge them, including accepting them even when they don't accept me. (My actions speak about how I am.) I want to be accepting therefore I will be accepting even when they aren't.

I Love Songs and Music

Music is awesome!
I love the words to songs.  I love compositions, too, even though sometimes they eventually go out of style.  One of my favorite genres of music is choral. I was in choirs for many years and dreamed of one day singing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. Now that I no longer sing I look forward to one day singing in the Heavenly Choir. I digress, back to music:

To me, some songs are like prayers. I don't care when the words were written because truth is truth even if it was written a hundred years ago. The music to some older songs may be dated but their words are just as true now as the day they were written.

Words to songs never go out of style
A popular song in the 80's written by an LDS person was sung at many sacrament meetings that were also called "Missionary Farewells". The song called "How Great Shall Be Your Joy" is written by Janice Kapp Perry. There are two parts to this song that are sung separately then they are sung together in harmony then they are followed by some other stuff.

The first part is:

And if it so be that ye should labor all your days

And bring but one soul unto me, how great shall

Be you joy with him in the kingdom of my father.

How great shall be your joy.

The second part is:

My sheep hear my voice and they know me.

And I know them and they follow me.

Those two parts are sung together followed by these words:

After Jesus had risen he came to the sea,

Asking three times of Peter, "Lovest thou me?"

"Yea Lord" he answered, "Thou knowest I love thee",

Then Jesus commanded him "Feed my sheep"

Then the two parts are sung again in another key and solidify my belief in their words.

Some songs generate feelings
The second verse of a certain hymn comes to my mind and causes gratitude and love to swell in my heart. The words are:

I marvel that He would descend from his throne divine

To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine.

That He would extend His great love unto such as I

Sufficient to own, to redeem, and to justify.

Oh, it is wonderful that He would care for me enough to die for me.

Oh it is wonderful, wonderful to me.

Some words solidify my beliefs
I love these words, written for EFY (Especially For Youth) in the early 90's, because they are just as relevant today:

Now, in this day of darkness, can we see / Evil and suffering ripe on every hand. / Wounded by lies, by loneliness, and fear / With joy we lift our hearts to feel thee near. / Walk with us through the wilderness of life, / Savior, thy life alone can mark the path, / Hush the confusion, still the storm within. / Help us at last the victory to win. / Help us

at last to see the light he gives. / Savior, thy words are written on our hearts, / Gladly we seek the beauty of thy way. / Grieving with those who stumble, lose their way / When wandering the blinding mists of night. / Unlock our understanding as we seek / To lift the soul who stumbles, find the one / Who cries to thee. Oh let our lights burn fair / As we go forth to lift, to bless, to share.

How true today, 21 years later, are those words? How much those words strengthen me and remind me how precious I am and how precious every person is to God. The scriptures say, "The worth of souls is great in the sight of God." I believe it. I feel in my heart that he loves me and believe that he loves and has loved every person who has ever walked on this earth.

Some things help me when I think of them
I think of Jesus as my coach. I imagine this scenario: I'm looking in his direction but darting my head to look at things happening on either side of him. He takes my face in his hands, and causes me to look at him. He says, "Focus." Then he coaches me. He gestures imaginary walls on either side of him and me, then says "Just look at me. We got this. You can do it. I believe in you."

The 23rd Psalm reminds me of this scenario:

The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.

He leadeth me beside the still waters.

He restoreth my soul. He leadeth me in the

Path of righteousness for his namesake.

Then it get's personal. When I face something hard it's just him and me:

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil for thou art with me, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.

Thou annointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over.

In happy times it's not so personal. I can stand on my own two feet:

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.

And I will dwell in the house of the Lord forever.

My thoughts
I love God and Jesus Christ with all my heart. They have helped, comforted, and sustained me in good times and in bad; I truly believe they will do it all my life. They are loving beings that I want to become like, and I believe that I will someday. The words to songs solidify how I feel. I'm glad that good things exist to help me.

I Wanted My Books!

Books are like friends - they come in all shapes and sizes. Some have dust covers, and some don't. Some speak of right now, and some speak of what could be. Some give information, and some give imagination. Some books are really thick, and some are really thin. Whatever they are, I love them all.

I love books! There's a genre I prefer but I have other genres too. I like non-fiction but I have some fictional novels as well. I lean towards books that inspire or teach but sometimes I don't want to learn, I just want to curl up with a good book and let the author take me on an adventure.

My books were in storage for a year and I wanted them so much that I came up with a plan to get them back. (They went to storage because I packed them so we could move. But I don't want to move until after 2015 so I wanted them back!) A lot of them were on shelves in the living room before, but the shelves have other things on them now so we put book cases in my office and brought all my books here! (I'm so happy!)

There's space in my office to have a comfy chair by the bookshelves so I can sit and read. (The chair is great too because whenever someone comes in my office they'll have a place to sit so we can chat! How great is that?!!) It's a win-win, two things I love 1) my books, 2) people.

Here is a picture of my bookshelves.

Half the books are on the shelves, and the other half are in boxes in the hallway for now. There's space for one more shelf to be squeezed in sideways between the filing cabinet and the shelves already there. The extra shelf (that's different from the ones shown here) is downstairs in the family room and just needs to be cleared off and brought upstairs (bonus: it's not being used!) My comfy chair will go by the black shelves. It will be awesome when it's finished!

Feeling Really Bothered, But Expressing Something Else

My Experience
I had this experience and wanted to share it because it truly makes a difference when I think before reacting rather than just reacting:

If every time I talk to someone and they put up a brick wall, I can either make a change or not and go crazy. RATIONAL MIND: CHANGE IS HARD. SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, BUT THEY HAVE TIME TO CHANGE. ITS GOOD TO VOICE MY OPINION BUT ALWAYS STRIVE TO GIVE OTHERS MERCY. ALWAYS STRIVE TO LOVE.

 

Some people put up brick walls and don't listen to me because they only listen to themselves. GIVE MERCY, GRACE, AND LOVE. LOVE THEM THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT EXPECTING THEM TO CHANGE.

 

I'm done talking to a brick wall that won't change. I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and lonely. IS THAT TRUE? AM I *REALLY* WILLING TO BE DIFFERENT OR AM I JUST SAYING THAT 'CUZ IM MAD?

 

It's a shame to not be friends but everyone's actions determine their choices. IT'S TRUE THAT EVERYONE CHOOSES. ITS ALSO TRUE THAT PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE CAN CHANGE THEIR MINDS.

 

I don't expect perfection, but I do expect respect. TO HAVE RESPECT I NEED TO GIVE RESPECT.

 

I won't be a doormat that faces a brick wall when they don't want to hear me. THAT'S CONDITIONAL - 'I'LL ONLY GIVE YOU MY LOVE IF YOU DESERVE IT'.

 

I have an opinion and it deserves to be heard. YES, THIS IS TRUE, AND IT WOULD BE HEARD IN A PERFECT WORLD...HOWEVER, I LIVE IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD AND DONT ALWAYS GET WHAT I DESERVE.

My Thoughts
Reacting is based on my words in lowercase. Acting after thinking is based on all my words. What a difference I see between the two. In this experience, I reacted then later apologized after I thought about it. I wish I wouldn't react but I'm working on my gut reactions and have hope that I can change. I know that I do things that bother people, too. I just hope they will be kind and forgiving and choose to see the best in me and not the worst.

This experience has taught me to give people a chance, to know that people aren't robots - sometimes they make me upset but I choose how to respond, and to know people are trying - they don't want to make me mad, they're my friend.

I want to be kind and loving and am working on being that way. I might not be kind and loving all the time but I'm willing to improve and want to change my ways. I'm not perfect, but I have hope that one day I will be.

 

Some of My Changes Take Time

How many times have I had an impression to do something, not done it, and looked back and said, "I should have done it." (At those times, immediately the little voice in my head inflicts a bad feeling for not being perfect.)

Then again, how many times have I had an impression to do something, done it, and looked back and said, "I'm glad I did it." (At those times, my heart feels glad.)

I'm an imperfect human. Sometimes I make mistakes then I look back and see where I could have done better. But, rather than dwell on how I am now I choose to dwell on how I can be. I'm happy that I can change and become what doesn't disappoint me. I make mistakes but find hope in the fact that I can become better than I was and not make those mistakes in the future.

Changing doesn't happen over night. I might think of how to improve my life but not dare to do it for a while. (Case in point: I knew five years ago that red meat was bad for me but it took me four more years to give it up. All changes don't take that long, I'm just saying that some changes take time.)

It's one thing to realize something but quite another thing to change. When I realize something, I mill it over in my mind for a while and think about it. If I need to change, I consider the effects before getting up the courage to act. I find comfort in the fact that I can act. I can change, I'm not a tree that is forever rooted and will always be a tree.

Old Habits Die Hard

I did too much yesterday. (Just because it's on my list doesn't mean I have to accomplish it that day-lesson learned!) I did things at the last minute, did too much, then (because of my disease where I can't hide my feelings) I got emotional and cried a lot.

Just because I have energy sometimes doesn't mean I have to fill that time up by being busy. It's okay if something doesn't get done, and it's alright that things are still on my list. The important thing is that I tried and I did what I could.

I tried to do what I used to do before getting MS and I failed. Again, I'll say it, the important thing is that I tried and I did what I could.

I've been a perfectionist for years-I guess I'm now a recovering perfectionist. If you give a recovering alcoholic a drink they're not gonna be a new drinker but pick up where they left off. Likewise, I tried to make things perfect just like old times. I won't revert to the old me as I remember what got learned between then and now. Nevertheless, my current beliefs don't stop me from doing things I shouldn't. I hope not do that again.

How I Think

I love this story:

One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed".

I believe with every fiber of my being that the way I think is my choice and that what I think determines how I feel. Perhaps some people believe that I only have happy thoughts and feelings because I only post happy or positive things. That's not true! I have negative thoughts and feelings but I refuse to dwell on them and have them ruin my day. I'm in control and if I have an unhappy thought, I think about something good until I feel happy.

I can't control the thoughts that enter my mind, but I can control whether or not they stay. When I feel sad, I pamper myself and do things that make me eventually feel happy. (For example: I might watch my favorite movie, or listen to good music, or talk to a friend about something uplifting, or read an inspiring book.) It's up to me to make my day what it will be. I don't want to have a sad day so why would I dwell on sad things?

My Hair

I have Hawaiian hair, this means three things: 1) My hair gets bigger as it dries, 2) It's curly, 3) I have a ton of it. My hair is everywhere, on my pillow, on the floor, in the shower, and in the bristles of the brush! (Per pulls my hair out of the brush every time he uses it or else it sticks to his hair.)

As I blow-dried my hair (to straighten it) I looked at the hair on the bristles of another brush. First, I thought, 'I'm glad Per's not here', and second I thought, 'I'll never go bald'. I asked my son to take a picture and even he said, "You have a lot of hair". I'm grateful for my hair even when it gets me hot, gets in my face, and gets all over. Today, my hair is on my mind.

A Change in Facebook Affects Me

I read an article where Mark Zuckerberg (the owner of Facebook) said the algorithm of Facebook changed to show popular posts in the news feed according to how many comments they have. (To break it down, the more comments a post has the more likely it is to be in the news feed and the higher it will be.) He said if the comments contain "congratulations" it will be at the top.

I believe that several people read my blog, even though hardly anyone ever comments or likes my posts. When I post something it will be in the News feed, but it might not be there the next day if it's not popular. I started posting every day because I hope that what I say will help someone, but if they don't read it that day they might not see it.

Social media is used differently by people my age versus young people. Social media evolves and right now it's toward what's popular. Bottom line: if my post isn't read the day it's posted it probably won't be seen.