My Dad

Lani Called me yesterday and told me the news I was dreading. My dad passed away. He was in a hospital in Houston then got transferred to Beaumont (his home town) then was rushed back to Houston where he died in his sleep early Saturday morning. He had too many complications and they just couldn't save him. He was 69 years old.

He and I talked on the phone several times in the last few months. He called me often from his hospital bed and told me he loved me. We became friends and I think in some way me having a disability was a comfort to him because we understood each other. He was very positive and his attitude rubbed off on me. He said "every day that I wake up is a good day" and I appreciated hearing that because I felt pretty down and he made me feel up. I felt like compared to what he was dealing with being in the hospital, couldn't talk very well, paralyzed on half of his body, I didn't have much to complain about. Actually, I felt pretty normal when I talked to him. He said my strength inspired him which I never understood because he seemed a lot stronger than me. Since he had been dealing with his disability for 17 years I wondered if he had a hard time at first. He said he had always been positive and didn't know any other way to be. That was uplifting to hear and made me want to look on the bright side.

Dusty took care of him and I thank her for that. She is feisty and I imagine wouldn't tollerate any wallowing which I think was good for my dad. I think that helped shape his attitude and helped him to look at his life realistically and focus on what he could do not what he couldn't. I want to perpetuate the attitude he showed me. And in doing so I think it will honor his memory.

I imagine it must be hard for other people, namely Dusty (wife) Pua (sister) Maryanne (aunt) Lani (she was close to him) and Kenneth (he wanted to know him better).

My family is supportive to me and I appreciate that. Per said he'd give me a ticket to attend the funeral and is there for whatever else I need. Thanks honey, that means a lot that you're there for me.

Don't Get into Debt

The depression happened 80 years ago and I remember my grandma saying "make due with what you have." Nowadays, people get into trouble because either they buy things they can't afford, or they want new things NOW instead of saving to buy with real money, or both. Credit card companies play to people's emotions by saying "you deserve it NOW". There is no talk of "saving for a rainy day" like they used to say in the depression. These days 'saving' seems like a dirty word.

Buying things with credit and "living beyond your means" is the plight of the modern world. I want to live in reality and make my life simpler by not getting into debt. I believe in saving when I decide to get something. I also believe in buying things with money. (Buying things on credit allows me to think I have more money than I do). Buying bigger homes or newer cars causes stress if I can't afford it. I wonder if some people buy things because they need them or if they're just wanting to keep up appearances. When I buy things on credit it's like I'm chained to my creditor. Also, when I owe money I have given my freedom away. Aargh, Credit!

My husband and I used to have too much debt. We got deeper in the hole every month. Paying the bills stressed and upset me. I didn't like talking about money and how much we didn't have. My husband said we had to be responsible and pay our bills. (Part of me felt mad because his statement meant that I couldn't buy more things...but I knew he was right.) I was once a product of society that bought things with credit, and it caused me to think we had more money than we did. I enjoyed buying things but I didn't enjoy paying for them! Now, we don't use credit cards. Sometimes it's hard for me because I've allowed myself to become a product of society in that when I want something, I want it. But if I don't buy it on credit I won't have to pay for it later! Using money is a fact of life. Keeping that in mind, I hope to spend wisely and stay out of debt.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is two days away and it causes me to reflect on the things I am grateful for. When I think of all I am blessed with...a lot of things come to mind, big and small. Here are some things I am thankful for this year:

Per is cooking Thanksgiving dinner so I don't have to
Having all five senses
Being able to walk
Freedom to be who and what I want to be and the freedom to express myself
Having a home
Warmth on cold days and air conditioning on hot days
Having food to eat and food on my shelves
Family
Friends
My church
The atonement
Forgiveness
Mercy
God
Jesus Christ
The Holy Ghost
Feeling the presence of the above three in my life
Justice and Laws that cause me to strive to do the right thing
Good books
Personal development
Awareness of things I didn't know

35 Days to Christmas

What has happened to me?

I'm usually the person who goes shopping and puts up their tree well into December. I don't get into the 'Christmas Spirit' until about a week before the event because I don't really like Christmas and everything seems so commercial. I'm not saying that I have the Christmas Spirit but I feel the need to listen to Christmas Music, and make my house smell yummy.

Next Thursday is Thanksgiving and I think we will put up the Christmas Tree during the weekend. On top of that I might as well put out the decorations since the boxes will be out for the tree.

I'm gonna put on some holiday music and make some hot chocolate right now.

I love listening to:

• The Time-Life Treasury of Christmas
• Harry Connick Jr. "When My Heart Finds Christmas"
• The Mormon Tabernacle Choir "Nativity the Art and Music of Christmas"
• Amy Grant "A Christmas to Remember"
• Gloria Estefan "Christmas Through Your Eyes"
• Clay Aiken "Merry Christsmas with Love"
• Marshall McDonald "Christmas Dreams"
• Jewel "Joy: A Holiday Collection"

What do you love listening to?

Being the Neck in My Marriage

(I'm probably going to get some boo's for this from some fellow women, but it's really how I feel)

 Short version
The wife needs to be like him first for him to develop his trust in her. She needs to encourage him and let him take the lead; be the head of the household. (The wife who does this is not subservient but strong. Conceding to him says she’s confident enough in herself to let him be in charge.)  After he trusts her then she can be herself. She’ll find that he acts like her in the ways she wants because he trusts her; from the time he trusts her - she calls the shots - but through him. (Publically he wants to look like the lead but he’s happy to listen to her privately.)

Like the wife said in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “The man may be the head but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants.” The woman is the neck because the man trusts her. How can he trust her if she controls him and tells him what to do? (In that case, over time he’ll become whipped or resent her.) He’s not a pet that is subservient to his wife – he’s not a robot that takes commands. Marriage isn’t just one person– it’s both.

During dating, he may like the same things as her but he’s doing that because he likes her. After they’re married he’ll act like him – like his stuff, be himself. At some point she’ll think this is crap! I want him to be like me like he used to. If she forces him to be like her and belittles him (doesn’t give him respect) a wedge will form in their marriage. (If worse comes to worst he might leave.)

When she thinks this is crap! it’s the critical time – it’s the time he starts to trust her (because her actions show him that she’ll stay by his side no matter what.) If she lets him be the head she’ll be the neck.

Long version
I’m a believer in the husband being the head off the household in all cases - not just in some. Perhaps the wife thinks she knows better than her husband, therefore she takes the lead. That is wrong. She should inspire and encourage him to do it instead. Most husbands want to be in charge, but their wives castrate them when they take charge.

Wives need to swallow their pride and let their husbands take care of them. Of course women do some things just as good as (probably better than) men, but husbands want to do things and be in charge - I say, “let them.” Wives need their husbands, and I ask, "What better way to show it than to believe in them?"

I used to think, if only. If only he had this quality; if only he did this; if only he did that. One time the thought came to me, he IS all those things, you just have to treat him like that. I didn’t want to. I wanted him to do, and be, the things I wished. I look back to that time and say, "Luckily, I swallowed my pride and treated him as if he had those qualities, because my shift in attitude did wonders for our marriage!"

He stepped up the plate in ways that he hadn’t before - because I let him. I gave him my control, and it made him more of a man in my eyes. I know that my husband is capable to do the things I thought he couldn’t. I love him more, and he feels the same way about me. Believing in him to take the lead has greatly paid off. I’m not subservient, I just let him do what comes naturally.

I truly believe that husbands and wives needed to be close to each other and like-minded. That doesn’t mean that they needed to like the same things. They need to be like-minded not alike. My husband and I like very different things. But we think alike in many ways. Some of our differences are:

·         I like show tunes and he likes rock.

·         He listens to music with bass and I hate it.

·         I like musicals but he won’t go to one.

·         He likes tasting a lot of spice and I don’t mind the bland.

·         He likes electronics and I just like having electronics work.

·         I’m hot-headed and he’s patient.

·         I play the piano and he wants to know what makes it play.

·         I liked to program computer software and he likes to know how the program works.

·         And on and on and on….

On a different note, we believe in a lot of the same things; the longer I’m married the more I realize this truth. Here are some of the ways we are the same:

·         When we hear things, sometimes we feel the same way.

·         When we speak, sometimes we say what each other would.

·         When we watch a movie or TV, sometimes we like the same things.

·         We appreciate a lot of the same foods.

·         We listen to some of the same music.

·         And on and on and on….

At one time I thought, we have nothing in common. We have different interests and different likes. Why try to make this work? It felt hard to focus on wanting to be close to him. It seemed easier to let us drift apart. I didn’t like him. I wished he did things (and thought) more like me. I wanted to leave, but, thankfully, I didn’t. Now, I appreciate being with him. We have aged, grown together, and choose to focus on the things we have in common instead of our differences.

I see it happen often that the wife never really leaves her family. She also expects her husband to be like her. If he does think and become like her, he also becomes whipped and resentful of being controlled and not being allowed to be himself. He becomes a person that says, “Yes dear” to make his wife happy and keep the peace, but in his heart he resents her for treating him like a slave. When a husband becomes whipped and resentful it puts a wedge in their marriage. If worse comes to worst, it could lead to him saying, “I'm fed up. I've had enough. Buh-bye.”

Men deserve respect. They deserve to be themselves. They deserve to have their likes. Husbands may become more refined because of their wives, but they shouldn’t lose their identity in the process.

A wife thinking like her husband doesn’t happen overnight. Before a man and woman become a couple and then marry, he's is a bachelor. He may only think about himself and his needs. He can do whatever he wants. He thinks rationally. He says whatever it takes to convince others that he knows what he’s talking about. He puts on his best behavior so a girl will like him. He isn’t more mature than she is, but he acts like it.

If she knows that last truth, she shouldn’t capitalize on that error. After the honeymoon wears off, she may think that her husband doesn’t get it. He might say honest things, but they may also be hurtful and mean and cause tears. He needs to respond in a better way, but he also may act like he knows how to do it because he doesn’t want to come across as unmanly.

She can help him to respond better by encouraging him instead of attacking him. Attacking him may cause the wife to feel better in the short run but it does nothing for their marriage in the long run; in fact, it causes him to get defensive. He doesn’t want to admit that he did anything wrong, therefore he defends himself (even though he did wrong.) The thing she needs to remember is that, 'he does what he knows.' The result of encouragement may take longer to see, but it WILL pay off. Encouragement is teaching in a kind way. Her encouragement will build his trust instead of him thinking that he will never measure up.

When a wife listens to her husband, he comes to know that he can count on her.  Her actions say, “I trust you” and “I choose YOU over my family.” In the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding the mom says something like “The man might be the head of the house but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants.” She says the truth because he will listen to her. I wonder, how can the wife be the neck when the husband doesn’t trust her and when she thinks he doesn’t know anything?

In my marriage, trust has come over time, and after we have faced hard experiences together...and survived. I believe that the only remedy to divorce is to stay married. I also believe that a wife needs to be committed to her marriage even when she doesn’t feel committed to her husband. When a wife sticks with her husband in hard times her actions say, “I'm with you.” I ask myself, "How can a wife become the neck if she bails when the goin' gets tough?"

I love my husband and want to say "honey I'm with you. Thanks for being with me".

The Book I Received

I completed an online survey for TOFW and they said they would send me a free book in exchange for my time and thoughts. I picked a book from the three they offered. Today I opened a package from them and inside was a note saying that because of an inventory error they were sending me another book instead. This new book is a memoir by Paul Cardall called Before My Heart Stops. The cover also says "I was born with half a heart. God made up the difference." I've only read a few pages but look forward to reading the rest.

 

I was thinking about how he and Kris Belcher have such a spiritual outlook to their trials. It's been two years for me and I'm still trying to get a grip on mine. I was starting to get down on myself then a couple of things occurred to me in the blink of an eye:

1) They have struggled with their trials all their lives. I got MS out of the blue and it turned my life upside down.

2) They were born to good parents and raised to have the gospel in their lives. My dad was a non-church going Catholic who joined the church for my mom and then went inactive. I also had turmoil in my life growing up and was raised in the church by a single mom.

3) They've both been on missions and have a deep understanding of the gospel. I think I have a deep understanding of the gospel but I've never been on a mission. I don't think about the atonement first, usually first, I have a pity-party for myself.

Certain scriptures come to my mind or a song goes through my head that relates to an experience I'm having and it gives me a deeper understanding of the gospel than I had before. Also, certain experiences make it easier for me to handle this trial gracefully - but I'm no Paul Cardall or Kris Belcher. The important thing is to not compare myself to them. I'm sure my trial has a positive impact on someone and I'm grateful to help them in some small way.

Everyone Has Trials

Reflections, reflections...
Reflections of Womanhood

The woman I see reflected
In the stillness of life's own mirror,
May have the promise of life eternal,
May my life be worthy here.

I see myself in that reflection,
A chosen daughter of God above,
I know that I will be exalted
If I am pure and full of love.

Each woman receives her calling
Far before her mortal birth.
From the realms of sacred heaven
Comes the chance for life on earth.

To some the road seems easy
As we outwardly compare,
We do not know the inward struggles
That gives each her cross to bear.

The woman I see reflected
In the stillness of life's own mirror,
May have the promise of life eternal,
May my life be worthy here.

Reflections, reflections...

I love that song. The part that stands out to me is "we do not know the inward struggles that gives each her cross to bear." Everyone has trials, some we can see and some we can't. My trial is outward, but what about the person who has depression, low self-esteem, judgementalness or lack of patience? It reminds me that we need to be kind to everyone because we don't know what they are struggling with. I actually think those who have outward trials also have inward trials. I know I do. We are imperfect people trying to do our best with what we know. We need to give ourselves and others a break. Love our neighbors, as ourselves...

Hope

Kris Belcher's blog today has this quote:

"Elder Orson F. Whitney said: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our heart, expands our soul, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 98)."

I really like this quote because it reminds me that everything I experience is worthwhile (even if I don't like it). I'm glad for the opportunity I have to still learn and grow and know that the trials I face in this life won't follow me into eternity.

Utah

I was born and raised in Utah and my family still lives there. I recently visited my family for two weeks in June and stayed with one sister then the other, each for a week.

I am also Mormon and love my religion but didn't do anything religious while I was there (except go to church one time) because the rest of my family is not religious and doesn't want anything to do with Mormons.

When I came home a friend of mine said her daughter went to Especially For Youth (EFY) at BYU-Provo with lots of other teenagers. My friend loved how there was a Deseret Bookstore and a Mormon distribution center right there! Another friend talked about how many temples there were in Utah and how easy it was to go to them. Another friend just posted her vacation pictures on Facebook. The thumbnail pic was of them standing in front of the Christus at Temple Square.

I think all these things are cool and want to be excited about going to each of them and just be the Mormon that I am. The problem I have is that my extended family lives there and those things aren't fun to them. (At least I have my own family who will do those things with me and will think it's cool.) I want to go to Utah and be happy about being a Mormon and do Mormon things. Next time, I guess I will.

I'm getting spammed by a porn site

Every time I post something I get an Asian person who comments. The name is Asian characters, so I don't even know who it's from. They or this person always posts the same thing, a bunch of dots.

One time Per clicked on the person and his computer navigated to a blog that he said if he continued to click on stuff looked like it would lead to a porn site. I don't even want to see it. I just delete the comment and move on but it's annoying and I know the comments will continue to be there.

I feel like they are just trying to wear me down until I finally click on their link and go to their website. I don't want to be like the millions who get trapped by their curiosity. I think that porn or the dark side is ugly and not real. It's human nature to be curious. It takes will-power to withstand looking. It bugs me that this happens to my blog and I am faced with these people because I don't surround myself with things like that.

Porn is everywhere these days. Its tentacles lace language, commercials, TV shows, music, movies. I am bombarded with it and I don't like it. I am for decency and appropriateness. I believe people who make porn know what these things are but they go over the edge of decency and being appropriate for money. Money, power, greed, acceptance is what these people are after. I am morally strong to withstand it and I raise my children to recognize it and be strong too. I think the worst thing a person can do is turn the other way and pretend it's not there. It's better to recognize it for the lie that it is and know how to withstand being drawn in to that world than to ignore it because then I think a person WILL get drawn in by their ignorance and curiosity.

Decent people don't talk about this subject because it's offensive, ugly and uncomfortable. I just hope they are protecting themselves and their families.

Love

The other day I felt that I was a burden on Per and Andrew because I felt like I don't do anything and they do everything for me. I felt so bad that I wanted to leave. I went to bed and hoped I'd feel better in the morning. Per came into our bedroom to talk to me. Again I reiterated how I felt and he said "the cats don't do anything and we keep them! We keep them because we love them. We love you and want you around." His statement made me feel good. Now every time I feel like a burden, I will think of his comment and stop feeling that way because I know they take care of me out of love.

The Demise of My Book

I wanted to write a book about my life as a mother so I started writing about Per, being a teen mother and single mother, and now I have no desire to finish. I realized a lot of things while writing like: 1) I AM a writer 2) I love Per and am glad to have him in my life 3) I didn't need to go through pregnancy alone, Per's mom really cared and would have taken care of me 4) Per loved me the five years I was a single parent but I told him in a letter when I was pregnant to leave me alone, so he did 5) I didn't need to be alone for five years, as soon as I wrote to Per, he came back.

The rest of the book takes place in my married life. I don't want to throw my family under the bus which is what the other chapters would do. I am not a perfect person and heaven knows I have not been a perfect parent, but as I have learned better I've become better.

Last Night

Here's my attempt at writing something that happened to me:

The bed was soft as I comfortably lay on it playing Angry Birds and Solitaire on my iPod. Before I turned out the light I whipped the covers off me and swung my feet over the side of the bed, stood up and crouched down to the floor to pray. Immediately, upon kneeling down, the pain began shooting up my leg. Ouch! my right knee. I forgot that I was being gentle on my knee and letting it heal from the injury I caused when I knelt on it and twisted wrong one night getting into bed. Back then, I knew I tore something because the side of my knee on the inside of my leg hurt when I touched it. For the last two weeks I had gotten into bed bum first then swung my legs around and scooted and adjusted myself until I found my comfy spot in bed. It was much easier getting into bed using my knee because I could pull myself up to where I wanted to lay and fall back onto the pillow. And, there wasn't as much scooting and adjusting involved.

Kneeling on the floor was not as comfortable as it used to be even on both knees. It's probably because I'm old and out of shape I thought. I shifted from right knee to left. Nope, that still hurts. I knelt on the front and back of each knee, and when I realized I wasn't going to get comfortable I started praying. The pain went away, or I forgot about it, and I focused on what I said. My prayer wasn't very long and when I stood up I did a face-plant on the bed. I used the bathroom for the final time then turned out my light and got into bed, bum first.

It was dark as I put the mask connected to my breathing machine over my nose. I got the mask and machine in 2000 because I have sleep apnea and used to snore loudly. Per shook the bed when I started to snore and I would stop (I really just woke up.) Now, as a result, I am a very light sleeper. (Honestly, I knew I snored because I felt my throat relax but I couldn't help it, getting the machine was a relief.) I reached over to my night stand and pushed the ON button of the machine. Air began blowing into my mask and I relaxed.

Laying snugly in bed, my thoughts turned to Uncle Carl and Aunt Leonette telling me I needed to forgive and move on with my life. Next thing I know, the buckle of my mask came off and air swished around my face from the machine. Darn mask! I thought to myself and fixed the buckle in the dark. When the mask covered my nose tightly, I carefully pulled the right strap down by my jaw so it didn't curl my ear.

Again I lay in silence waiting to fall asleep. I didn't move so the buckle wouldn't come off and my thoughts returned to Carl and Leonette. I went to church with them my first Sunday in Utah and had lunch at their house afterward. I wanted answers about my family that I wondered as a result of writing my book and I knew they would tell me the truth. Uncle Carl had known grandma and palled around with her so I thought he was a good person to ask. At the end of our conversation, and lunch, Leonette said to me "it sounds like you need to forgive and move on with your life". She was right, I had been holding grudges and thinking "if only" when that's not how it "was" no matter how hard I wished. Before I left, she asked me if I wanted Uncle Carl to give me a blessing. No one in my family had given me a blessing before and I said "yes" with excitement. After the blessing and wiping the tears from my eyes Leonette said "that was from God just for you".

A warm tear rolled down my face into my left ear and I choked up with my mask on as I thought about them. I lay in the dark for the next hour tearing up and wiping my eyes as I thought about forgiving and moving on, my family, and the many ways God has blessed my life. Despite my challenges, I am happy...truly happy.

My Trip to Utah

I went to Utah for two weeks in June to stay with my sisters. I stayed one week with Lani and one week with Maile. Andrew also went to visit Bryan. (I couldn't have gone without his help, so thank you Andrew!) Also, I stayed with mom for two days and saw my brother, Ken, which was nice.

Mom and me on Mom's front porch

Bryan surprised Andrew with a trip to California the day after we got there. Andrew had no idea until Bryan couldn't take it anymore and spilled the beans. He told Andrew that he had a confession. He said he was tired and they were going to stay the night in Las Vegas and go to Cali the next day. Andrew just kept saying "are you serious?" and Bryan mentioned it being "sweet."

Andrew and Bryan in Cali

I told my sisters that they didn't have to entertain me and that I just wanted to blend into their lives. I had a lot of fun talking to them and "blending" :) My first week there, I went to church and afterward had lunch with Uncle Carl and Aunt Leonette Clark. (He isn't really my uncle, he's mom's first cousin, and my first cousin once removed, but my siblings and I have always called him uncle Carl, so that's what he is to me.) I had a really great time visiting them.

Aunt Leonette and Uncle Carl

One of the highlights of my trip was the day Lani got a slip 'n slide for her little girls who are 6 and 3. The first time they tried it, they ran, jumped, and...stuck,no sliding! It was so funny! They finally got the hang of it and had a blast getting wet. I'm so bummed I didn't take any pictures, I was too busy watching I guess!

Sophie

Claire and Lani

Another favorite highlight was when Maile took me for a ride up American Fork Canyon. We drove up to Tibble Fork Lake with the windows down. Tibble Fork is a man-made lake that's really a dam. People seemed to be having a good time picnicking, fishing and playing in the water up there.

I loved this ride. I really enjoyed talking to Maile. The quaint two lane road really let me enjoy the canyon. I could smell and hear the river as we drove. The barbecues smelled so good! This is the first time I've ever stayed with Maile, and I really enjoyed getting to know her - we are a lot a like!

Maile

This will probably be my last trip out to Utah unless I feel better, but I'm glad I got to spend some time with my family. Now it's their turn to come and see me in Kansas!

MRI and Me

The MRI machine is two powerful magnets with a hole in the middle where they slide you in on a table head first to get scanned. The hole isn't very big and your nose is inches away from the ceiling when they do the scan. It's very loud and the scan takes at least 30 minutes.

I went to KU on Monday last week to have an MRI of my head, neck and spine. To do the neck and spine the technician moves the table you're on farther into the machine. I couldn't breathe or move my arms and felt like a sardine so I said I didn't want to do it.

On Friday I had an "open MRI" at Olathe Medical Center. With an open MRI, the magnets are turned sideways and you don't go in a little hole. Instead, when you're on the table, they slide you between the two magnets and it's more open. My arms weren't constricted and I could breathe so it was no problem. It was still loud and my head was next to the ceiling but I just closed my eyes and told myself "I can do this."

My doctor said people with PPMS have more lesions in their neck, and since she wants to see if her theory is true I had to have an MRI. I go to see her on July 1st to find out the results and until then I will be patient.

I will also remember to ask for an open MRI if I have to do it again in the future.

The Lovgren Family in Sweden

This is Per's family: Tore, Monika, Ann-Sofie, and Nils. They all live in Sweden, and we live here, 3,000 miles away in the U.S, in Kansas. I like to visit them in Sweden, but we only go every couple of years because it's expensive. We usually have to take 3 or 4 airplane rides to get there (Kansas to Minneapolis to Vienna to Stockholm) then it's another 4 hours from Stockholm to their home in Väse. The entire trip takes about 24 hours and their home is 7 time zones ahead of what we're used to, so we have jet lag when we get there.

I wish we were going to see them this year. We haven't been to Sweden since 2008 when we picked Bryan up from his mission in France. I can't believe it's already been two years since we've seen them. Per went to Sweden for a few days last year when he went to Europe on a business trip but I haven't seen them for a couple of years. I wish I could get to know them better but it's hard to do because we don't speak the same language. Even so, we are still family and I miss them. I miss the smell of Sweden and the smell of their home. I miss Monika's yummy food and Nils playing golf outside with my guys. I miss sleeping there and waking up to the sound of wind rustling through the trees and birds chirping. Most of all, I miss the four of them.

I hope we take a trip there soon. Until then, at least I have pictures and memories.

Mormon Messages: My New Life

This really touched me, especially the part where she said "...I am not my body..." How true.

Patience

I was talking to a friend today and said, "The thing I realize right now is how patient God is." She said, "I think patience is one of the things we are meant to learn in this life."

 

I know I can't understand God's perfect patience. I want to say, "I'm done" so often when I've forgiven people time and time again. But then I think of the story in the bible where Jesus got asked how many times a person needed to forgive and Jesus said, "Seventy times seven" or in other words, every time. THAT is patience. I'm glad God doesn't say, "I'm done" about me because I certainly make the same mistakes over and over again and he just continues to love me.

It makes me think of how mad I was at someone yesterday. I'm supposed to turn that hurt over to the Savior and continue to love that person even though they hurt me. That's hard to do because I wanted to say, "I'm done." I know that each time I turn my pain over to the Savior, He heals me and I progress spiritually.

I complained about this person to Per, to my Journal and to my Sister yesterday. I guess when I complain I'm wanting sympathy from the source to whom I complain. It's hard not to complain. It's hard not to seek that sympathy from others. I know that when I pray to God, He will have sympathy for me. I need to remember to turn to the right source and not seek approval from others. I have so far to go. I'm so far from perfection. I am learning, and maybe one day I'll actually 'do'.

Dear Uber-dude

Per always has a way to make me laugh. We say a prayer before every meal and sometimes he says "Dear Uber-dude." It makes us laugh then he says a 'nice' prayer. Thanks, honey, for your sense of humor. I don't think God minds.

Point of My Book

The book is called:

My Life as a Mother

With chapters including:

Introduction
Teen Mother
Single Mother
Married Mother
Mother of Two
Mother of a Rebellious Teen
Mother of a Missionary
Motherhood Now

I wanted to say how my life and events have been more calm since God has been part of my life.

I think it's interesting that I was a teen mother and that for me life has turned out good.

But I realize I didn't 'have' to become a mother. Being a single mom was hard for me too, but again, I chose to become a mom.

I'm glad that I married Per and that his perspective has brought a different point of view to my life. Now, I don't know what to say. Do I impart words of wisdom that I know now? Do I just tell the story (I think NO on this one) What is my point in writing this story? Is it to bring clarity to my mind of past events? Is it just a history for me and my family?

Some things I've learned:
- a parent needs to tell their child they have plans for their future, and have plans for their future, that way the child will make decisions for their future. There is no use in focusing on Now only.

- thinking "Figure it out. I had to, so you do it" about your child is dangerous. The child is counting on the parent to have figured it out and to help them, because they don't know. It's like saying to your 18 year old "buh-bye, have a nice life." The child doesn't want to be left alone to make their own decisions. Teaching life lessons occurs when parents teach adult children.

- having two children makes for a more disorganized life. You need to know what you would do because you will be tested to make the right choices.

- a parent needs to always love their child even when they are acting out. If a child can't turn to their parents for love, who can they turn to?

- a parent needs to let their child make their own choices, even if the child makes choices the parent wouldn't make.

- a parent needs to learn how to not judge their children. If a child feels judged by a parent, the child will feel resentment towards the parent like they don't accept them.

- a child doesn't have perspective because they've only lived according to what their parents think. Children need to get away from their parents so they can make decisions for themselves.

My Strengths

I am:

Patient - I've learned patience through sitting and waiting to find out was was wrong with me.

Loving - I have the capacity to love people.

Obedient - I want to do what is right. One time I was praying and the spirit whispered to me that I am obedient person. I've always known that and I was glad to hear it.

Believing in God and Jesus Christ - I believe in their words. I love the scriptures. I try to emulate what they say.

Spiritual - I love spiritual things and see life spiritually more than temporally. I see eternity not just this life.

Accepting - I believe everyone has their own pathway back to God. What's the rush? I believe in people's freedom and their right to choose what they want. God accepts me the way I am and he encourages me. He leads and guides me and doesn't give up on me. I appreciate that.

Funny - I have a sense of humor. I like jokes that don't make fun of others. I like to make my family and friends laugh.

I think it's important to remember my strengths.

My New Doctor

I have a new doctor - her name is Dr. Lynch. She works at KU and
see's only MS patients. I thought she would care more about me than my current doctor and I think I am right.

I went to see her yesterday afternoon and she was very thorough in her testing. One of the things I like about her is that she listens to me. I have been telling my current doctor since October last year that I thought I was getting worse. It started with subtle things that I noticed and progressed from there. He was sure it was all in my head and said I needed a better attitude. He said I have RRMS (relapsing remitting MS) and that's it...no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That's what he diagnosed me as having and it's what most people have. They get an 'attack' but then it goes away (into remission) for a period of time before coming back. Sometimes it can go away for years and you'd never know the person had MS unless they told you. Anyway...he would cut me off when I said things and I felt stupid when I saw him. I thought, if I have a cronic illness am I not supposed to like my doctor and not feel stupid when I talk to him? I thought, I'm not going to tolerate this, so I made an appointment to see Doctor Lynch. The earliest day I could get an appointment was three months away in April but I made the appointment and looked forward to it with anticipation.

She reviewed my MRIs and records from Dr. Arkin and said it was peculiar. She said I'm not the normal MS patient because my brain only shows lesions in the brain stem. She said my balance is worse than it should be for a person my age and then she said she thinks I might have PPMS (primary progressive MS) because my symptoms have just gotten worse over time and I have never gone into remission. She thinks I should get an MRI of my neck because usually people with PPMS have more lesions in their neck than their brain.

I was relieved to hear her mention PPMS because my other doctor would never entertain the idea but I have felt more like I have PPMS than RRMS. There is no treatment nor medication for PPMS and it is more rare. Only about 10% of people with MS have PPMS. She did say however that sterhoids might help alleviate my symptoms for a time. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow for a sterhoid treatment and to have her monitor me. She was surprised that I have never had sterhoids...I have to admit I am surprised myself since that's usually the first treatment a person has. She said sometimes the sterhoids make a persons blood sugar go high and if that's the case, she will keep me in the hospital for five days, to receive all the sterhoids, instead of just one day. She said people with PPMS usually do well with sterhoids for about three weeks, then it starts to wear off and they have to get a treatment about once a month.

She doesn't think Tysabri will work for me since it's more helpful for people with RRMS. I am relieved to hear this because I really don't want to take a chance in getting that very dangerous brain disease (PML) which could be a side-affect from taking the medication.

Why am I writing all this in my blog? 1)I don't want to explain it to everyone who cares about me. I can simply say "read my blog." 2)I am trying to acknowlege my new self and therefore am posting this to the world 3)For some reason, I feel better writing it all down.

I don't know how quickly this is going to progress but I feel like I need to have a good attitude. I've heard attitude makes all the difference in whether or not a person with a chronic disease does well, and I thought I should have a good attitude too. Not only will a good attitude help me but I think it will also bring comfort to my family. I plan on living a good happy life and I want everyone to know that. I am content.

I remember what a friend said to me one time in church. I said to her one day when I was feeling sorry for myself, I'm fatal. She looked at me and said "honey, we're all fatal" that makes me laugh because it's true! We're all fatal, so why not enjoy life now. I smile as I type this and look forward to enjoying my life.

Music

I got an email from DeseretBook.com recently that offered a free music download, so I went to their website and downloaded it. It's from the album Nearer called Nearer My God To Thee by Kyle Henderson. At first I didn't like the song, but the more I listened to it, the more I liked it...so I bought the album.

I really love the Reflections of Christ CD. I've never felt the spirit so much from listening to an entire album. Maybe it's because I've seen the Reflections of Christ exhibit and really liked it. Maybe it's just because I love the savior and I love reading about his life, and I love reading his words. I've never heard of some of these artists before and I like the way they sing. I gave away the CD to one of the missionaries in our ward and I really missed listening to it, so I bought it again.

Dallyn Vail Bayles is an awesome singer. He sings my favorite song Savior, Redeemer of My Soul the violin is exquisite. Both his albums are awesome. I love his voice.

I love music. I could just sit here all day and tell you what I love about each artist, but I guess it just comes down to my love for music. I love sitting at the piano, playing and singing. I feel love. I feel love when I listen to music.

Old Movies

The TCM channel declared Ginger Rogers as Star of the Month in March. They showed a bunch of her movies (without commercials) and I recorded them on my DVR. I've watched most of the recordings and have really enjoyed watching her acting. Most of the movies so far are from the 30's (before she and Fred Astaire became famous.) Credit goes to her for singing "were in the money" in Gold Diggers of 1933: a funny show. She acts well and it surprised me to learn how many movies she acted in before becoming famous. Some of the movies end suddenly or with an innuendo, but that's how producers made movies in the 30's.

Some of her movies that I liked are:
-Gold Diggers of 1933. (She didn't star in the show.) 
-Bachelor Mother. (Because of how the guy fell in love with her.)
-Stage Door. (The movie announcer on TCM said Katherine Hepburn didn't like Ginger Rogers. Warner Brothers considered then BOTH leading ladies because Ginger Rogers brought in money with her movies and Katherine Hepburn had prestige. The TCM movie announcer quoted Katherine Hepburn as saying "Ginger Rogers brought Fred Astaire some sex appeal and he brought her some class." Ouch - I can tell Hepburn didn't like Rogers.)

I'll admit, I like all of the movies so far. Each of them has something that I like. Sometimes the leading man is good looking (Suicide Fleet.) Other times, the story appeals to me. Most of all, I like her. ("You've Said a Mouthful" didn't strike me as funny. Not because of her but because of Joe Holt. He bugged me so I turned the movie off.)

Her movies (that I've seen) are:
Gold Diggers of 1933
You Said a Mouthful (didn't like)
Suicide Fleet
Stage Door (with Katherine Hepburn)
Bachelor Mother
Finishing School
Chance at Heaven
Vivacious Lady (with Jimmy Stewart)
Having Wonderful Time
5th Avenue Girl
Upperworld
Romance in Manhattan

I recommend watching any of these movies (except for "You Said a Mouthful".) I enjoy watching these old movies and now know that Ginger Rogers is one of my favorites.

Clearing my Clutter

My friend is here -right now- cleaning my house. She comes every Wednesday because she wants to. I am humbled. I am horrified at what a bad housekeeper I am! I am thankful to her for doing what I cannot do. She says "you'd help someone else if they needed it, wouldn't you?" I would. "So" she says "I want to help you". Words cannot express the kind of gratitude I feel. I am humbled that friends want to come over and help me, and that they are so willing to help. At first I wanted to hide my weaknesses but I know that friends want to show they care, they want to help, so I let them. It helps them, and it helps me.

I want to be strong and take care of myself. But I think it takes strength to let people help me. To let people into my world. Part of me feels like I'm nothing special, why help me? But to my friends I am special, I am loved. They are my friends because they like me, I am important to them. Me. Not what I do, not what I wear, not how much money I have. They are my friends because they like me. I know this because external things can be taken away but I'm always myself and they continue to be my friend.

I am fragile. I feel like a bird with a broken wing. I need my friends to be there for me, to love me because I've lost a lot and I'm sad. They don't judge me or say "snap out of it". They just spend time with me and I feel whole.

It's easier to be on the giving end because you can be unnoticed and in the background. But when you're on the receiving end it's sort of like you're in the limelight. All eyes are directed at you. All help is being directed at you. It can be uncomfortable if you're a giver not a receiver. But someone has to receive, right? So I'll let it be me. (I need the help anyway.) I hope everyone allows themselves to be a receiver because it's when we receive that we feel another's love.

Thank you for clearing my clutter, my friend. You are helping me more than you know.

Prayer

I have been thinking a lot about this journal entry and how much

it touched me to write it and how much it touches me now. I

wanted to share it with you today:

February 1, 2008

Why do I cry or shed tears when I pray?

Because I believe that Heavenly Father's promises are true.

I believe in Jesus Christ and that He's my Savior.

That through faith in Him - He changes my heart.

I know that.

But I cry because the things I pray for,

I hope for,

I want so much,

and I believe they are righteous desires,

and I know the Lord will bless us with the desires of our hearts,

if we ask in faith.

and it fills my soul with happiness,

and I cry.

I cry in gratitude to my Savior.

I thank him that he provided a way to cleanse me from my sins,

and that I may become pure and sanctified.

I cry in gratitude for the promises Heavenly Father made,

that if we keep His commandments,
and do all He asks of us,

and endure to the end (have faith to the end),

we will have eternal life.

We can have the fruit of the tree that is sweeter than sweet,

and whiter than white,

and more precious than any gift,

and I look forward to that day,

with hope and steadfastness in Christ,

to enjoy those blessings with my husband and my family,

and it fills my soul with joy when I pray for these things,

and my cup runneth over,

and I cry in gratitude.

Trust, Optimism and Carts

I decided to ride the cart the last time I went going grocery shopping. It started at Sam's Club when I knew that once I walked to the back of the store and again to the front I would be wiped out. So, I decided to ride the cart. It was so great! I was able to get everything on my list, the lady who checked me out was really nice and helpful, a guy helped me load everything in my car, and I wasn't wiped out in the end!

Last night I went shopping at another grocery store with a friend. I felt kind of self-conscious riding the "dumb" cart, but I knew I wouldn't be able to walk the store and feel good, so I caved. The cart died in the dairy section, and I'm glad my friend was with me because we just loaded all my stuff in her cart and walked to the front of the store to check out. She even ran to get some bananas for me -which were at the other end of the store!

When we got back to my house, we sat in the car and talked for a few minutes. One of the things I like about my friend is her optimism. She sees the best in people and situations. I really like that about her. For me, I think it comes down to trust. When someone says something nice, I don't automatically believe it - I don't want to get fooled. "She's just saying that to be nice" "She isn't really that nice", I think. I don't trust their motives and I don't trust myself.

I decided to believe it today, and to see the best in others and situations. I decided to trust.

I think about my life before MS and I'm grateful for these lessons now. If I hadn't gotten sick, I would still think like that. I would have those assumptions, and never look at them. I've had to do the hard thing and look at my beliefs. Even though it's hard to acknowledge my stinkin' thinkin', it's worth it because I think it makes me a better person.

No New Lesions

I went to the Dr. today and he changed my medication from Copaxone to Tysabri, but...I have to be off of Copaxone for three months before I can switch to Tysabri. Yay, no more daily injections.

According to the MRI done in December, I have no new lesions on my brain, so I guess I'm not gonna die like I thought. He said I have a bad attitude. Well, he didn't actually say "you have a bad attitude" but that's what it comes down to...stinkin' thinkin'.

I need to realize that anything I've had for over six months is NOT going to get better. That's just the way it is. So this means basically good-bye to everything I did well "before" that I can no longer do. I need to embrace my "new self" and let the "old self" go. It's hard to do. It's hard to not get down on myself, or apologize for myself. It's hard to find value in myself. But I know that when I do, I'll be able to look at the future as bright.

My friend Donna said something to me today that really stuck. She said "one of your strengths is that you were already a very positive person and I think that has really helped you in dealing with this. Can you imagine if you were negative before what you'd be like now?" She's right and I appreciate that. I do feel that my positive attitude has helped me even though I may have some stinkin' thinkin' now. I know that it doesn't feel good to be negative, so I would rather be positive even though reality sucks a big fat hairy toe.

Pants on the Ground

American Idol delivers. There was a 62 year old man who sang this for the auditions. One of the funniest, and true, things I've ever heard. I just became a fan of Larry Platt on FaceBook:

Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
Lookin' like a fool, walkin' to the town
With your pants on the ground!

Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground
Lookin' like a fool, walkin', talkin' with your pants on the ground!
Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

Gold in your mouth, hat turned round
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat lookin' like a fool
Talkin' with your pants on the ground!

Boom! Bam! Pants on the ground!
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat

Realizing My Strengths

I am reading a book called MS and Your Feelings: Handling the Ups and Downs of Multiple Sclerosis by Allison Shadday. She is a therapist who also has MS. It has been good to identify my feelings. I feel more empowered.

I really like the section on Self-Esteem where, among other things, she talks about quieting your inner critic, realizing your strengths and passions, and giving of yourself.

Quieting your inner critic is not giving in to negative self-talk. I didn't realize that by apologizing for myself, and comparing my current abilities to what I "used" to be able to do, I was undermining who I am right now. By accepting who I am right now and not comparing myself to myself without MS I feel good and know that I have good things to offer.

I've known for a while that I relate well to people and I am a good listener. I have felt like I could be with people all day and it would be very fulfilling. I count that as a strength. I realize that I could volunteer to spend time with people and be their friend.

I also realize that I don't have to do big things to find joy. Joy can be found in little things as well. For example I can find joy in finding ways to do things so I'm not so tired, or I can find joy in enjoying a piece of music, or in seeing beauty in something.

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to find joy in the little things. In retrospect, I wish I could enjoy them but I'm just to busy and don't take the time. Also, I feel better in finding joy in big things. (Somehow, the little things get diminished, like they aren't as good as the big things.)

I am glad that I had to slow down so I could feel good about the "little" things and enjoy life going on around me. I am glad that I don't need to beat myself up for slowing down and saying "I should do more."