Feeling Improved by My Hard Thing

I wrote in the third person yesterday but it didn't feel like me. Maybe third person is good for some things but not my 'Musings' blog. Thanks for going on the journey of discovery with me.

It's raining off and on today and I'm glad because my plants could always use the water! Per is at SAMS Club buying stuff including Memorial Day food. (We're gonna BBQ baby back pork ribs in his no-oil turkey cooker-to see how it goes on Monday, and smoke a salmon in the smoker (yum!) on Sunday. It's a ton of food but it sure will taste good and we don't have to eat all of it! We'll have Per's yummy potato salad and also corn on the cob on Monday and it will truly be a celebration of summer and of remembering veterans!)

Today, I seem to be moving well. I set something in the microwave and turned it on for two minutes. Then I walked over to the fridge and back to the counter, took other things out of the cupboard and drawer, and the microwave still had a minute to go. In the past, the microwave would have beeped before I did those things. Who knows how I'll move tomorrow, but today I'm moving well!

One of the things having MS has taught me is to have more patience. I used to whip through things so fast that I didn't take the time to notice them. Often I'd operate on 'auto-pilot' because my mind was somewhere else. For many years after having MS I would get upset and cry about finding joy in a little thing-like walking down a step. Now, I can see it as a great accomplishment because I tried and because it was the best I could do. But then, it frustrated me.

A lot has changed for me since having MS. I move slowly now whereas in the past I moved fast. No longer can I do many things. But thankfully, five years have gone by that have allowed me time to accept my new reality. Truly, time heals all wounds.

Recently I thought, if I see improvement in a year it will be good. I laughed because there was a time that I thought, how can I endure this for a day? My trial is hard but it has truly improved me.

I've Made Progress

In a lot of ways my thinking and speaking isn't so black & white; either this or that. I've softened regarding some things. (For example: saying 'some' not 'all', and saying 'maybe', 'perhaps' and 'it seems like' not 'it is'.)

I used to say more generalizations (like 'Kansans' instead of 'some Kansans' or 'Mormons' instead of 'some Mormons') and grouped everyone in the same category.

Regarding myself, I used to think, 'if I can't do it really good then I won't do it at all'. Now I think, 'I may not do it perfectly but at least I'm doing my best and I tried'. I'm definitely not perfect ... at not being perfect, but I've made progress.

Never Quit Trying

I could be somewhere today, and get hit by a bus - all that can be said is that my life is over. I believe that if I want to do something, or go somewhere, or be something I need to make a plan to do it - then try my best to make it happen as soon as possible. I don't want to just wish and hope for the best, but really try to make my dreams come true.

I remember watching a reality show and thinking, I'm sitting here watching someone else live their life. I think reality shows are fine, but not to the point that I don't do anything and am satisfied with just watching somebody else do it. There are things that I see that I don't want to do myself, but sometimes the things I see give me motivation to do it, or go there, or be that, and I believe that I need to do all that I can to make my dream a reality. 

I watch certain movies, read specific books, and imagine myself doing, going, and being what I watch and read. That's all fine and good, but if I only wish and never do, then I will always be sad that I didn't even try to make my wishes happen. I won't give up! I'm alive and capable of overcoming my fear. I vow to never quit trying until I quit breathing.

(Not) Supporting a Cause

Gay marriage is in the media again. This time the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) is taking the issue to the supreme court. The ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) is involved, and NOM (National Organization for Marriage) opposes it. The issue is the word 'marriage'. The HRC and ACLU want the definition of marriage in the law to include three things: 1) between a man and a woman, 2) between two men, and 3) between two women. Currently, in U.S. law, the definition includes one thing - between a man and a woman.

I think that people support causes, but they don't really want them to end. They want the causes to continue because they like the fight. But do they really want the effects of the end result? (For example, gay people want equality and fairness but if they got those things they would just be ordinary people, and, truthfully, the effects are that the wouldn't be in the spotlight. Right now gay people are special; they are in the spotlight.)

Causes (minorities, immigration, race, homosexuality, religion) bring focus to their group. I truly believe that some people want to be a part of a memorable group because they like the attention and because the fight takes the focus off of them not having to work on aspects of their character (like not working on being kinder [or whatever] because they're too busy fighting for their cause.)

Life is full of unfairness. How I respond to the unfair thing tells how I am. If I get angry about the unfair thing, it just says that I'm an angry person. My life will benefit more by me working on controlling my anger than by me supporting a cause. When I die, the cause won't be there but my angry attribute will. Will the HRC, ACLU and NOM help me be kinder? No, I need to do that myself. It seems like loyalty only goes one way, and it doesn't point to me, but to them. How is it fair to me that I need to be loyal to them but they don't need to be loyal to me?

Organizations like the HRC, ACLU, and NOM get involved in causes because they want to win. After the gay marriage result, they will move on to the next cause. It seems like they support people, but, really, they support causes. Those organizations aren't people - they don't have lives - they are companies. They are filled with people, but the harsh reality is that they don't care about the people, they just care about themselves (existing, winning.) Those organizations will do anything to stay in business: they want employee loyalty, but their loyalty is to only themselves. 

After the Supreme Court result, other people (human rights groups, people passionate about the cause, etc.) will work out the details of the gay marriage cause, but the HRC, ACLU and NOM will have moved on to the next thing.

I'm staying out of the fight. I would rather work on my character then support a cause.

YOLO

I don't say this to tattle on kids but to help parents:

Some kids are saying, "YOLO (yoh-loh)" these days instead of admitting they did wrong. As an alternative to saying, "That was wrong! I'll never do that again!", they justify their wrong behavior by saying, "You only live once (YOLO)." You don't have to touch the stove to know it's hot, but it seems like some defiant kids are ignoring their conscience and touching it just to say they did.

To me, saying, "YOLO" is like saying, "I can never do better, so why try?" I say, "Why settle?" and, "Why not keep trying?" What if someone worked to improve one of their qualities then said, "YOLO"? What if they said, "I didn't honk my horn at the guy in front of me when the light turned green, YOLO" or "I smiled instead of frowned, YOLO" or "I controlled myself instead of lashing out, YOLO" or "I didn't lie when I could have, YOLO." Why not say, "YOLO" when doing something right instead of wrong. I believe we don't have to accept the way we currently are because we can always be more.

MY WISH:

I hope for parents to be informed and to teach their children to listen to their conscience. Today's world says it's not cool to listen to your conscience or do what's right. Whatever the world says, kids know what's right. Parents help their kids when they teach their kids to choose the right - even if their kids will be considered "goodie-goodies" by some people. In today's world devils, darkness, and Satan are cool - angels, goodness, and Jesus aren't. Kids say that saying, "YOLO" is no longer cool; it's a joke, but they still say it, jokingly, as a justification for wrong behavior.