My New Life

I will continue to update my blog just no post it on Facebook. Facebook was a way for me to reach out to my friends and stay connected to them. I'll still use Facebook but as everyone else does: just posting random things and updating my status here and there. My focus turns to finishing my book about trials and publishing it. After the success of that book, I'll have my books about the eagle, the crab, and the bird illustrated and published.

I look back to five years ago - when first getting sick - how uncomfortable being in the spotlight, calling myself a writer, accepting help, accepting kindness, being nice to myself, and many more things felt. I wanted all those things but just wished for them - not actually believed they'd happen. I  truly believe that I got frustrated often because my thinking was changing and it caused me to change. Now I'm comfortable with those things.

I'm at a crossroad again, staring at the blank canvas of my life - my new normal - and looking out at the open field while wondering where to go. This time I don't feel frustrated or scared, but like an 18 year old person who just graduated from high school and feels the excitement of making their life whatever they will. I go forward with faith and 45 years worth of experience to make my life something wonderful.

What Now?

Now that my trial no longer defines me I ask myself, "What Now?" I'm reminded of what Gandalf said to Bilbo in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Gandalf said to Bilbo, "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure". Bilbo, an upstanding hobbit who always followed rules and never went against the grain, said it wasn't him. Gandalf said, "It'll be good for you". Bilbo learned about the adventure and asked Gandalf if he could guarantee that he'd come back. (This is the line in the movie that stood out to me) Gandalf said, "No. And if you do you will not be the same".

I relate those words to my trial because it has changed me. I, like Bilbo, am back from my adventure and looking around ask, "Now that I'm back, what now?" I don't have frustrating things to lament about. I'm not surrounded by drama. I'm just a regular person doing regular things. "What now?" I ask myself. The answer is, "Slip back into obscurity and live my life".

I like to write and be the center of attention. I appreciate those who have supported, sustained, and lifted me when I was down. I've been a bird with a broken wing. I needed loving people in my life and I got them. But like a lighthouse light that keeps moving, the spotlight is off me and so I end my story. Good news: I'm still here and plugging away, just like you, at life.

Before and After Sinning

I love this journal entry
April 28, 2007

I’ve been thinking about where I’d be if I didn’t have Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost and the gospel in my life. I’d be a vile person full of darkness and sin. I’d be imprisoned by my sins, bound by no self control. I’d be carnal and full of mischief.

I have weaknesses that would have spiraled out of control and consumed my life. I’d be a slave to my weaknesses today if it weren’t for the goodness and mercy of Jesus Christ - if it weren’t for the fact that I know I’m not vile – I’m a divine daughter of God with beauty and purity. I happen to be living in a fallen state, in a fallen world. I am susceptible to my weaknesses and sin and only one person can save me from myself – the Lord Jesus Christ – He is my master. I will follow him forever and he walks with me.

I am not and never will be free from sin in this lifetime. I try to live with purity and keep the commandments. I pray, read the scriptures, and live by faith and good works. But inevitably I will sin. I will again fall and give in to my weaknesses.

Before sinning
Something happens. It consumes me and my thoughts until I must give in. Amidst the darkness – a light – a fleeting thought. No. Stop. You mustn’t.

After sinning
I stop. I retreat. I hide. How could I give in? This is not my true nature. Time goes by. Guilt. Sorrow. Remorse. And then the thought, where would I be without God? I’d be stuck here! Oh God, help me. Save me. I am not vile. I give my life to thee. Save me from myself. Save me from this fallen state. Reflection.

“Awake! My soul. No longer droop in sin.”

“The Lord is my shepherd ~ I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his namesake!
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
- I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over!
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord.
Forever.”

“Why should I put my trust in the arm of the flesh or make flesh my arm?
I know in whom I put my trust.
Oh Lord, wilt thou encircle me in the robes of thy righteousness?
Wilt thou remove the stumbling block from before me and place a stumbling block before my enemy?
Thou art my rock and my everlasting God.”

Sunlight. A new day. Peace.
A beckoning, “Come unto me.”
Warmth. Forgiveness. Love.

Resolve
“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

My thoughts
I experienced this today. This experience is very enlightening. First, my weakness didn’t consume me – it didn’t defeat me. I didn’t hide from God even though I felt ashamed and disappointed. Second, an interesting thought came into my mind as I reflected, “I’m not vile – I’m divine. I’m a daughter of God.” I’ve never had so much faith. I cannot write 1/10 of what I feel – the words escape me. But the Lord is my shepherd.

My Thankful Heart

Reading words from the old me
Yesterday, I read my journals from ten and five years ago. Reading my thoughts from those years brought back memories of how I was - what I thought, what I did, what others did and what people said to me. I see how the me today is so different from the me then.

My old thought patterns
My trial has been extremely hard and has pushed me to my limit, but I can look back after having read my words yesterday and see many good things. I used to be so unsure. I talked a lot about my weight. Several times I mentioned the hold food had on me. I had a negative voice in my mind that I believed. And I thought incorrectly about many things. Life is hard and over time those things became very pronounced on the inside even though I seemed to have much control over my life on the outside.

In some ways I seemed to have a charmed life, but in certain ways my inner self was crumbling. Many times perfectionism caused me to feel lonely and cry to myself in my bedroom. Several times my insecure mind got the best of me. On more than one occasion my incorrect thinking caused much turmoil and heartache.

My new thought patterns
Getting MS turned my world upside down and frustrated me immeasurably. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I will feel and see the effects of it. But as I look back over the years since getting sick I see many blessings including that I'm a lot more strong and sure outside and in, food and weight don't have a hold on me, I don't listen to the negative voice in my mind (when I got sick and for years the negative voice didn't exist), I'm less rigid, I'm much more loving, and I think correctly.

Thankful inside and out
Trials don't last forever. I'm thankful for the things that have improved me. In reading my words of yester years I read much anger but now I feel great peace. I'll never go back to the person I was. Even though I have a challenge, I see good things ahead. Not all of my road from then was rocky; many good experiences were also recorded. I'm thankful to look back but I'm more thankful to look ahead.

2nd Day in a Row, Baby!

Again I got up early, made my bed and did the dishes. (This time Per had already cleaned most of the dishes, but I washed the pots and did it nonetheless!) I remember hating to do dishes and if I had to do it every day I'd still hate it, but today I'm grateful that I had the energy to do it!

I look at being able to get up early, make my bed and do the dishes as a miracle. It's been six years since I had the desire or energy to do it! I never thought I'd say that I felt happy to clean, but you miss things once you can't do them. You know me, I'm a religious person, and I thank God for this gift!

Just Me

Being Jade (not Jade with MS) lets me say who I am: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest. I see the value of my story of the crab, that I'm just me.

The trial of having MS is hard, sometimes I wish for things I used to have, but if the Lord wants me to have this trial then I'll have it ... knowing that it's not forever; in eternity I'll be whole. The important thing in this life is to progress and improve; I can truly say that my trials make me do that. I may metaphorically kick and scream at first because I don't like it but after a while I get perspective and can see the good that came from it.

Let me not get distracted or derailed by my trial but remember that my goal is to become like my Father in Heaven. Polishing hurts as the dross is removed from me, but in the end it make's me brilliant and beautiful. I imagine me starting out as a rock and resulting in a diamond. The refining, chipping, and shaping are my trials and it helps me to remember the end result.

I'm Not My Trial

I met a guy who got in a serious accident while in High School. He had many injuries and for the rest of his life will be disabled. Five years after his accident, it makes him want to travel around to high schools and encourage kids to be smarter than him at that age. I believe if I talked to him in ten years he would still tell me the same story (that would have happened many years ago) and it would still be the center of his life.

In thinking about that guy it occurs to me that I don't want to make my MS the center of my life. I don't want to only refer to lessons learned from having MS because I've learned lessons from other trials too. Granted, having MS is my hardest trial but it's not my only trial nor is it the only trial that has taught me.

The guy's trial is hard and I don't diminish it in any way. All I'm saying is that I'm me and not my trial. For a time my trials ARE me, but eventually I let go of them and become just me again.

Time is on My Side

I'm thankful for time - hear me out! Without time I'd have to BE right now. Time allows me to learn and grow. In thinking about all the things I want to be (patient, kind, loving, merciful, etc.) I see how far I have to go. (At least with time I can continue to grow.)

The ways I want to be gives me things to work on and stay out of life's drama. There are some things I can't control so why even get involved and just get upset? I choose to only focus on the things within my power and I'm grateful to have time to focus on those things.

It Used to Frustrate Me But Now It Doesn't

As I look back at my journal entries from the past week I see that I learned a lot about myself. Experiences that felt hard told me how I am. I'm reading a book ("Not My Will, But Thine") by one of my favorite people, Neal A. Maxwell, and he said that experiencing trials is a part of life that tell us how we are. He quoted Hebrews 5:8 that says, "Though he were a son, yet learned he obedience by the things he suffered." Even Jesus learned from his trials.

I've learned that my trials refine me and make me closer to my "real" self. I understand and feel the same way as Paul when he said, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities ... for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9) When my trial frustrated me I couldn't say, "I take pleasure in this", on the contrary I said, "I don't like this!" and "This sucks!" But because time has gone by and because I've accepted my fate I'm willing to see my trial in a different way and can see things that benefit me. My heart feels at peace now and I see the world around me not just my trial. I feel lucky that I had an intense five year learning experience. Even though my trial goes on I consider the good side of it ... that it teaches me.

I Got Over It

I got shocked by the knowledge of something yesterday (and I'm not gonna say what it was because it doesn't matter.) I thought about it yesterday, discussed it with Per, thought about it again today, and considered blogging about it but decided not to because I'd rather express my faith than my shock / the uplifting instead of the demoralizing / what inspires growth rather than what says, "stay the same."

I see progression in myself where two years ago (when I got equally shocked) it took me a year to recover whereas now it's only taken a couple days for me to get back to myself. I'd rather focus on progress than shocking things. I'm thankful to know this when I'm 45 so it can help me the rest of my life, and I'm thankful to not focus on it but move on.

Some Words Mean So Much More

I've been thinking about this poem ever since I read it. To me, it speaks about so much more than baking bread. (Words like 'love', 'progression', and 'creation' come to my mind.) I love this woman's poetry, it speaks to my soul.

BAKING BREAD

There seemed more accusation

Than admiration

In Vivian's voice

When she said,

"Well, I wish I had time

To bake bread!"...

And so sometimes when

The loaves were in the oven

And Vivian was at the door

Louise mumbled something about

Another bake sale again

 

And never even tried to explain

Her near-religious ritual:
 

How the flour on her fingers

Was the sun and the rain

And the earth
 

How the thump of her palms

On the dough

Was the dance of women

On the ancient threshing floor

 

How the smell of baking

Leavened her

And left her believing that

We rise, we rise
 

And how the cutting

Of the first warm slice

For the first child home

Made her a bounteous goddess

With life in her hand.
 

(Pearson, Carol Lynn, "Baking Bread", Beginnings and Beyond, Springville: Cedar Fort, 2005. 77. Print)

I've Made Progress

In a lot of ways my thinking and speaking isn't so black & white; either this or that. I've softened regarding some things. (For example: saying 'some' not 'all', and saying 'maybe', 'perhaps' and 'it seems like' not 'it is'.)

I used to say more generalizations (like 'Kansans' instead of 'some Kansans' or 'Mormons' instead of 'some Mormons') and grouped everyone in the same category.

Regarding myself, I used to think, 'if I can't do it really good then I won't do it at all'. Now I think, 'I may not do it perfectly but at least I'm doing my best and I tried'. I'm definitely not perfect ... at not being perfect, but I've made progress.

Enduring a Hard Thing

Hard Things are Hard
Everyone faces hard things, from that I'm not immune. Five years ago MS scared me. Everything I experienced was new and I just wanted things familiar to me. Now life with my disease feels more normal than life without my disease. Yes, there are things I wish I could do but I love to learn and be improved and I'd trade anything I have for things that improve me.

My Hard Things Have Become Blessings
Before getting MS I did well. I was at a good time in my life. But as I look back I see how having my disease corrected things and brought more happiness to my life. I learned so much in the first year of my illness, and many things I couldn't have learned any other way. I thought I knew a lot, but there's so much I didn't know.

More than five years have gone by since I've had MS and the things that were once hard for me have now become blessings. In contemplating my blessings, here are some that come to mind:

 

• More gratitude (it could be worse)
• Less judgmental
• Less rigid
• More authentic (being vs. just acting)
• More patience
• No negative voice in my Head
• Realizing the importance of my family
• Per and I are our true selves (humble, serving)
• More sure of myself (I am valiant, good enough, an example, I stand for the right even if standing alone)
• Realizing my strength
• Allow myself to focus on other skills
• Focusing on what really matters (behavior vs. attributes, giving time rather than things, acknowledging people)
• Accepting myself (progression not perfection in this life)
• Accepting my husband (allowing him to be himself)
• More trust
• Willing to be honest
• Placing importance on what I think

My Willingness to Endure The Hard Thing Has Brought Me Blessings 

I'm reminded that Neil A.Maxwell said, "In order to feel more joy we must be willing to feel more sorrow." I won't become a greater person without experiencing a little heat. The Lord said that he will try me in the furnace of affliction (Isaiah 48:10). Taffy is yummy when it gets pulled because it becomes it's potential. A caterpillar becomes a butterfly - a totally new creature - when it submits to the chrysalis and is willing to transform. Wonderful statues are carved out of marble but the marble starts out as a block before being chiseled into something magnificent. Likewise, I am willing to endure any trial because I know I will become marvelous. 

 

Let me expound on each thing listed above and say why they're blessings:

 

More gratitude (it could be worse)

I felt scared one day when I first got sick and thought, 'I'm gonna die'. Negative thoughts crossed my mind and I felt sad. The thought, 'It could be worse' crossed my mind, and as I thought about how it could be worse I felt grateful that it wasn't. Thinking of ways it could have been worse caused me to count my blessings and to feel grateful instead of angry. My mindset caused me to see the good instead of the bad. Everyone has trials and experiences unfairness. The way I look at things (positively vs. negatively, the glass being half full vs. half empty, optimistically vs. pessimistically) determines the way I'll face it. I'm so glad the 'It could be worse' thought crossed my mind and caused me to stop thinking negatively.

  

Less judgmental

I didn't realize I was so judgmental but it's true. Internally, I looked at people up and down and judged their appearance; their hair, their fingernails, their clothes, their clothing fabric, their shoes, and the list goes on. I judged what people did, what they said, and who they were. I was kind on the outside but on the inside judged harshly. I didn't forget wrongs but I didn't hold grudges. I liked what I liked and didn't like what I didn't like, end of story. I'm more accepting now. People can be who they are and I will try my best not to judge them. Everyone chooses the person they are. I give people mercy because mercy has been given to me, and because I want to receive mercy in the future.

 

Less rigid

I used to think very black or white - either this or that. I didn't allow for mistakes and expected perfection. The term "Good Enough" was hard for me to accept before getting sick, but after getting sick I simply couldn't do more - even when I wanted to. I learned that good enough is acceptable when in our hearts we want to do more.

 

More authentic (being vs. acting)

I placed a lot of value on what other's thought, but imagined their thoughts in my mind. Everything; the appearance of my home, my actions, my children's actions, my appearance, my job, and many more things had to have a good appearance or I thought people would judge me. I wanted others to think my things were perfect, even when they weren't. After getting sick, I wore things not because of their cuteness but because of how they helped me. I had a lot of pride and wouldn't let others help me because I didn't want to be considered weak. Today, I know that when people serve they show their love. Then, my pride didn't allow people to do things for me; I served (appear strong) but didn't get served (appear weak.) Today, I'm just myself - what you see is what you get (WYSIWYG) - and what I say is what I mean. I only do what I want, not what I think others want. I'm real - something a lot of people wish they were but won't allow themselves to be.

 

More patience

I've learned many forms of patience. I waited for four months while doctors figured out my problem. I waited for weeks for medicine to help me. I learned patience with myself when I had moments for eight months. I patiently endured other people learning to drive my car so they could drive me around. I'm not perfectly patient but I'm more patient than before.

 

No negative voice in my Head

I used to have a negative voice in my head that criticized me. I listened to it and believed its damning words. I thought of myself as a positive person, but the trait was something I wanted more than was. After getting sick, the negative voice went away - perhaps I just stopped listening to it. My focus became the things I could do not the cant's. Perhaps positive thoughts stopped the negative voice. (I choose to also consider it a tender mercy from Heavenly Father because he loves me.)

 

Realizing the importance of my family

Even after marrying, I worked. My kids both had daycare. I wanted to stay at home with my children, but financially it didn't make sense. When having my last job Andrew was old enough to stay home without a babysitter. Honestly, I liked being at work more than being at home because at work I saw my purpose and accomplishments, whereas at home I just considered each of my accomplishments as items checked off a never-ending list. When I first got sick, I remember sitting in my living room and feeling nothing (no happiness or warmth in my home.) Immediately I thought, I'd rather be at work. Today, I shudder to think in what state my family would be if I hadn't gotten sick because now we're close. My illness has bonded my family and me together.

 

Per and I are our true selves (humble, serving)

A person can have good intentions, but act differently because of life events. Negative behavior isn't true nature. Goodness can be overrun by wrongs and unfairness. Before getting sick, life was boring. We did the same thing every day and were stuck in a rut. My illness brought out our true personalities. Per loves to serve people; he also loves to cook. He works all day then comes home and makes dinner for me because he likes to do it. I love to read and learn - especially spiritual things. Today, we are our true selves and do what we love.

 

More sure of myself (I am valiant, good enough, an example, I stand for the right even if standing alone)

For years, internally I thought harshly about myself. I blamed myself for wrongs, and took responsibility for things that sometimes didn't belong to me. I thought of others as more important than me. Since being sick, I think more highly of myself. I acknowledge my traits and talents, and consider myself important and special.

 

Realizing my strength

After I got sick people would tell me "You're handling this so well" and "I couldn't do it." I'd think Yes, you could! What would you do - curl up in a ball? People don't know their strength until they have to use it. Strength allows a person to be resilient and sometimes surprise themselves. My disease never went away and caused me to realize my strength; something I didn't know I had.

 

Allow myself to focus on other skills

Before getting sick I thought I didn't have time to develop any other skills. After getting sick I couldn't work and wondered what I'd do with my time. I felt uncomfortable calling myself a *writer* because I didn't have the qualifications or degree to match the title. Several times, Per told me that I didn't need a degree to have talent. I felt uncomfortable with the title but wanted to write. One day, I realized that I had several journals and had already written a bunch of journals, so maybe I was a writer. I began writing, and the words poured out of me. Now I feel comfortable calling myself a writer. My illness has allowed me to develop a skill that I wouldn't acknowledge. Looking back, I see how I have always loved words, the English language, and articulately expressing myself. In high school I wanted to be a linguist or lawyer. I write blogs (I have eight - yikes!) and think my words help others. I'm thankful to have time to develop skills that I love.

 

Focusing on what really matters (behavior vs. attributes, giving time rather than things, acknowledging people)

After getting sick, I would first think about the awfulness of not being able to write, sing, play the piano, or basically do everything I loved, then second I would think about the many things I could still do. (I'm a deep thinker and like to contemplate things.) Early into my illness, a thought occurred to me that behaviors could be distractions from developing what really mattered. For example, I could spend my whole life developing my voice, handwriting, or piano playing, but those abilities could be taken away at any moment. Alternatively, developing attributes like being loving, patient, kind, and merciful could never be taken away once they became a part of my character. I decided to develop attributes and it made me real not fake. WYSIWYG. Before getting sick, I had the tendency to show my love through things (gifts, crafts, things I made,) but after getting sick, I realized that time mattered more than things. Things might have said, "I love you," but spending time with someone said that too (if I didn't love them, I wouldn't have done it.) Before getting sick, I didn't talk to some people - to be honest I didn't even see them, I saw the people in my group and that was all. After getting sick, I had to slow down. The people I never saw before were nice to me which really surprised me because I never talked to them. I judged everyone in my mind and thought they would judge me back and think of me the way I had thought of them. I didn't consider myself superior, but, after getting sick, realized that I'd be like 'normal people.' I considered myself above average, and above the "little people." My illness caused me to consider myself the same as people, but my traits made me unique.

 

Accepting myself (progression not perfection in this life)

I used to hear "accept yourself" and think, how can I ever do that when I can always be better? In my heart I hated myself because of my faults. I wanted to love myself but only would if I was perfect. After getting sick, the only reason I didn't do something was simply because I couldn't do it. I knew that if I could, I would. I learned to believe that God accepted "good enough" from me, because He knew that I gave my best and it was all I could do; He knew my heart and that I wanted to do more. I began to be kinder to myself with each passing year. I learned that He didn't expect perfection in this life but only progression. I came to know that I could love myself even with weaknesses. I accepted who I am and realized that acceptance didn't mean accepting my weaknesses but that I had them.

 

Accepting my husband (allowing him to be himself)

I wanted my husband to be the person *I* thought he needed to be; I thought my life would be easier if he thought like me. I didn't consider myself controlling, but wanted to control who he was. After getting sick, I submitted my will to HF, and gave up my need to control by realizing that God was in control. That realization gave my husband the freedom to be himself. I accepted my husband for who he is and knew that my only responsibility was to love him.

 

More trust

I only trusted myself to do things right. I knew of my abilities and that I would do a good job. It was a risk to trust anyone else because maybe they wouldn't do it as good as me. I didn't delegate very often unless I knew I could trust the person to whom I gave the responsibility. After getting sick, I kept thinking about how I needed to put my trust in God; but I felt uncomfortable trusting. One day I realized that He was perfect and decided to trust him. My trust in Him developed quickly once I realized He wouldn't let me down. (Trusting imperfect humans is a risk. What I need to know is that they'll do their best. Knowing that they won't cut corners allows me to trust them.)

 

Willing to be honest

I married an honest person and got used to hearing the truth. Sometimes I wouldn't be honest to other people because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. A lot of times I would sacrifice my feelings for someone else's - I wouldn't say the truth (be true to myself) because I wanted them to like me. After getting sick, I said the truth even if it hurt someone; I didn't lie, it was the truth. (The truth can hurt the person who hears it, but if they consider the truth it can help them improve. If they change, they can become an even greater person. How can a person change if they never hear the truth?) I didn't want to hurt people with my honesty, but when I didn't tell the truth, I didn't have faith in them that they'd improve. When I didn't say the truth, I didn't help them to potentially progress. The process of writing my book about my life caused me to realize the truth about many things. I said the truth in my book, but it hurt some people. (It hurt them because they chose to be hurt instead of being improved. It may have hurt them but it liberated me.) There is honesty in my family and we can handle hearing the truth, but most people want to hide from the truth and don't want to hear it.

 

Placing importance on what I think

I wanted people to like me so much that I considered what they thought as more important than what I thought. I considered them first and me second. I was very concerned about what people thought of me. After getting sick, I found value in what *I* thought. Perhaps my thinking of myself seemed arrogant, but I didn't look at it that way. I considered it as being sure of myself and being willing to acknowledge the good things about me - my talents, my skills, and the things I loved.

 

My Thoughts

Lehi was a prophet who saw a great vision. His son, Nephi, wanted to know the meaning of things in his father's vision so he prayed to God and not only learned what things meant but also learned so much more. I compare what Lehi and Nephi received to my trials and blessings. I got some trials when I got MS but the blessings I've received are so much more than my trials. This sounds funny but in contemplation of my trials and blessings I can say that I'm thankful for my hard thing because it has improved me.

 

Why do I talk so much about God? Because He has been there with me every step of the way as I've gone through my hard thing. He has been in my mind encouraging me, comforting me, and causing me to consider things. I have leaned on him and He's been there every time. I love Him. He is my rock and my everlasting God and I will praise His name forever.

Giving Up What's Holding Me Back

What I gave up
I thought my main addiction was something else, but it's not. My main addiction is food. Food is what stands between me and God. It's what I turn to for comfort, for peace, and for happiness. I asked God to help me lose weight but immediately had the impression that I didn't 'really' want to give it up; part of my heart was still attached to it. (I know He'll help me if I ask with all my heart, but that's where I feel stuck.)

I can hear Neal A. Maxwell saying, "We keep a summer cottage in Babylon." I can hear the father in Mark 9 saying, "Help thou my unbelief." It's a matter of trusting in God more than trusting in food. It's a matter of having faith that God will give me good things instead of having fear from thinking that bad things will happen.

How it held me back

He's already helped me in ways I can't explain. I need to remember His goodness and how He'll help me, and let go of something that will give me more of the same. I see myself carried in the air and wanting to rise, but holding on to something that keeps me down. If I'd just let go, I'd rise and experience happiness. It's like a person who went down with a sunken ship; they want to go to the top and get air but they're holding on to a dead body. They need to let go of the dead body, go to the surface, and save themselves.

For me, I need to trust God rather than trust food. Food has been my comfort, and my friend. It has brought me happiness and peace. But now it's time to let it go. God will replace all the things food gave to me. I'm not giving up my addiction to food to replace it with nothing. No! I'm giving it up to replace it with God. Giving it up is letting go of the past to have a new future. Everything in the future is new and the future is a place where I do it only because I choose.

Additional thoughts

This has been a huge learning experience for me.

The quote, "What you resist, persists" runs through my mind as I think about my 'diet' and what I couldn't have. I thought I'd have to give up certain foods, sacrifice, and that it would be hard. My 'sacrifice' became the elephant in the room that sat there EVERY DAY, and losing weight felt like a constant challenge.

Now that my focus has shifted I don't think it will be hard. I have absolute belief that I'll accomplish my goal and the great news is that it will be done while doing what I love...eating food! I look forward to this year as I slim down and reveal the 'real' me. This year will be fun, exciting, and the beginning of something new. My impression is that I'll still need to make wise choices, but that He'll help me.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? (Matthew 6:30) I need to trust Him to take care of me.

The Value of a Journal

1) I can record my thoughts and get them out of my head.

2) Reading what I wrote as well as considering the entire situation gives me perspective.

3) Writing it means I don't have to remember it.

4) It's like having a mute friend that let's me "talk" as much as I want.

5) I record history and things that are important to me.

6) Reading past entries causes me to learn from what I wrote. I forget current things quickly (as do most people.) When I read what I previously wrote I get to remember the thing that was important to me and learn from it again, and usually also learn other things. 

My journal helps me evolve and grow toward becoming what I want to be. When reading past entries I see patterns. Sometimes I see ways that I want to change. No matter what is going on around me, I can say honest things to my journal and never be ridiculed. There is no right or wrong way to journal, if the journal looks like a scrapbook then so what - the most important thing is that what's in there - written or otherwise - is something valued. I've included cards, notes, ticket stubs, flowers, drawings, and my words in my journals.

Some people are short and sweet; they record one sentence or maybe just one word to sum up their day. Some people are elaborate and write many words. Sometimes people record something they studied. Sometimes people do all the above. People's moods change every day: sometimes they feel like writing and sometimes they don't. Some people feel like their life is boring and they have nothing to say. Some people are private and don't want to record what they think because then the public may read it. Some people think, "No one, including me, wants to read my words." No matter what type of person someone is, there's value in journal writing.

A journal helps the person who wrote it, and when they move on to the next life a journal lets the reader know them. My Great Grandma Clark is dead but I have a few of her journals from the 1950's that tell me a lot about her. She wrote one line entries, and I give her credit because she wrote every day! I know what she valued by what she mentioned. I know what she did by what she recorded. I don't have to only rely on hearsay to know about her because I have her own words. My Grandma Gordon, who is also dead, never kept journals but I have a pocket book calendar that she probably had in her purse when she went on a trip in the 1970's. She made notes in it. Not only do I have what she said but I have her handwriting. A journal not only helps me but it will also help my posterity to know me for generations.

I don't write for future generations but for my own benefit. I've written journals since 1978 (when I was ten.) Now, the year is 2013 (35 years later) and I still and probably will always keep a journal. At times I've considered my journal "cheap therapy" as I've recorded my honest feelings and worked through hard things. There's no way I would have remembered a lot of things I recorded because so much time has gone by. It's fun to go back and read what I thought was important then. If I'd never kept a journal I'd tell myself that it's never too late to start.

Finally, I Can Truly Acknowledge the Truth About My Illness

I moved on with my life (stopped focusing on my illness) because enough time went by with me living my new normal that it felt more 'normal' than my old normal. Before I moved on, I just wanted what I'd had. This is the first time that I've even wanted to candidly acknowledge the truth about my illness, and can do so without crying. I've acknowledged components of my character (how I'm strong, I won't give in, I can do it, etc.) but I've never positively acknowledged my illness. I've never been a support to anyone (I've felt that I needed support rather than that I could give it.) And, I can relate to anyone who is dealing with something hard; not just people with MS. I understand the pain, the disappointment, and the grief of dealing with adversity. Nothing challenges you more than a trial - I can truly attest to that. And, nothing will tell you, better than a trial, what your made of - I can attest to that too.

Life isn't always happiness and roses, sometimes life is hard. I truly believe, however, that my attitude determines whether my challenges are hard or easy. Looking on the bright side and counting my blessings helps me to see good things, too - not just bad things. I believe that hope allows me to live my life and to continue to progress, instead of just getting blindsided by challenges and never continuing to grow. Focusing on the hope of achieving another goal redirects my focus off of my challenge. My illness, although still there, isn't my main focus. (Say that a person with a challenge also has kids. When they focus on their kids, their focus isn't on their challenge, and over time their pain hurts less, they have better perspective, and can choose what to do with their life instead of just being railroaded by their challenge and doing nothing. Eventually, if they choose it, they move on.)

When I got MS, I had two choices: 1) Be defeated, or 2) Be strong. I lamented a lot about the past, and constantly wanted what I'd had. Also, I learned a lot about myself. (I wouldn't have learned about myself had I chosen defeat, because I would just have complained about my illness and never learned anything good.) My life isn't just my illness - there's more to my life than that - but I choose whether or not to let my illness consume my entire life. Of course, my illness will consume my life for a while, but eventually I will pick up the reins and be the one to drive my life, not my illness.

True Spirituality

True spirituality is a deeply personal thing. It's when a person puts their weaknesses on the altar before God and admits that they're a weak person by saying, "Help me." It's exposing and vulnerable. I wanted people to think that I was strong, and that I could handle any/all of my problems, but The Lord wanted me to do the opposite. He wanted me to be vulnerable, exposed, weak, and He wanted me to courageously say, "Help me" so that He could do it.

I know today that He wants to be the one to make me strong; to turn my weaknesses into strengths. He wants to partner with me to tackle my problems, so that I don't have to face them alone. But when I trust in my own strength and handle my problems myself, I put myself first and Him second. He wants to be first, but He won't force (compel) me to chose Him because He wants me to make the choice myself. What a loving act - to give me my freedom. His kindness shows because He doesn't use force. Nor does He use shame (force,) but only encouragement. He has faith in me and believes in my ability to make good decisions. He gives me courage that, to me says, "You can do it," and I love him for it.

I thank Him for believing in me. I thank Him for improving me, and I thank Him for seeing more in me than I could see myself. He always does the right thing and has no regrets.

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

What a beautiful song, and what beautiful words! Wow! I just listened to this and it touched my heart:

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

The Painter’s hand is firm and never falters

As He shapes the living portrait of my soul

There is wisdom in each line He smooths and alters

Where I see unfinished canvas, there the Painter sees the whole

Chorus:

He knows the strength that grows in shadow

When I’m reaching for the light

He sees the majesty and glory

beyond my mortal sight

And though I may not understand

The artistry of heaven’s plan

I will trust the Painter’s hand unceasingly

He will make a masterpiece of me

The Painter’s hand is gentle as He renders

Every stroke of living color patiently

In shades of darkest night or brightest splendor

He reveals His grand design, and shows me what I’m meant to be

(Repeat chorus)

And when I come before Him, kneeling at His feet

I marvel at His love for one so small and incomplete

Then His spirit whispers peace to me

Restores my soul and teaches me

The wonder of my provenance and worth

(Repeat chorus)

-Sally DeFord

She said that just before she put this song on her website, she read the following from a friend on Facebook; how fitting:

Imagine this: you just painted an absolutely beautiful painting. It’s exactly what you wanted, and you’re really proud of it! You absolutely love it, so you give it to someone special. The problem is that they constantly point out the flaws. There’s always something that just isn’t right. And they don’t hang it up, they just leave it on the ground, not really caring what happens to it. Imagine that Heavenly Father is the painter, and you are the person He gave this painting to. Keep in mind that it breaks Heavenly Father’s heart to hear you constantly criticize yourself, out loud and in your head… You are absolutely beautiful in His eyes.

A Note About Unfairness

Dear Friends,

(I call you my friends because I truly think of you as friends. I don't say it to convince myself to like you but because that's really how I feel...if I didn't think it, I wouldn't say it.)

I've been adding my blogs (since 2009) to my journal (after all a blog is a public online journal, right?) After reading some blogs from 2012, I wanted to explain the way I am.

I don't get blindsided by trials and dwell on them for a long time. When I think something's unfair, I think it's unfair for a day then say, "It is what it is" and continue living my life. I don't dwell on the unfair thing for days or months, or never let it go. Perhaps I lament wishing for something different, but I don't lament about the thing that's out of my control because I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can do is determine how I react and what I do. 

Saying something's unfair isn't the same as complaining about a situation. When I say that something's unfair, I also say what I wish...so that it would be fair. Complaining about a situation is saying it's unfair...and that's it...no stating a solution, just complaining...how is just complaining helpful? I say, "Either state a solution (which may just be defending my beliefs, but, at least, it's doing something,) change it, or don't complain."

After reading some of my blogs in 2012 and knowing how I am today, I considered that perhaps some people thought, How can she speak about other things?...Isn't she still mad about the thing that happened to her last year? I got hurt and offended, and lamented in early 2012. After stating the thing that hurt me, I posted other things that were interesting because I carried on with my life. It took me a year to stop feeling hurt, but it only took me a day to realize "it is what it is" and know that I wouldn't let it affect my behavior. I decided how I wanted to be, and behaved that way.

I believe that by saying, "It is what it is," letting the thing go, and honestly stating the truth, it allowed me to accept the unfair thing that happened (accept that it happened) and be who I am. Unfair things happen to everyone; it's a fact of life. The important thing is how I responded. It took months for me to stop feeling hurt about the thing that happened to me, but by not dwelling on it, I learned from it. (I believe that we learn things even from crappy experiences.) I learned about forgiveness, judgement, and my behavior from a bad experience...how great for me!

An unfortunate thing happened to me but I got over it, and I still say what I think because I hope that my words help someone.

Life, Death, and Grieving

I existed before this life, and I will exist after; this life is not the only life in eternity. Granted, this life is important. Here, I receive a body, get married, have children, feel both good and bad, have experiences, and make choices. BUT, this life isn't my ONLY life.

My friend's husband recently died. She's grieving. I would never tell her to 'be happy' because she's sad. She needs friendship not judgment. No amount of anyone's happiness (including mine) will change her outlook, when her heart stops hurting long enough for her to even think of something other than her grief, then maybe she'll consider other things. 

My MS trial causes me to relate to her. I can relate to her because I know what it's like to grieve something that's gone; to grieve life being changed forever; and to grieve having to accept a 'new normal'. I know that grieving takes a while; I was sad for a long time, even years. I said, "This sucks!," and cried a lot. Only the passage of time caused my pain not to sting so bad. I didn't realize the reality of my attitude until when reading some of my early journal entries. Upon reading, I could hear sadness and frustration in my words, and could tell that I faced something hard. I don't know if it's possible for anyone not to be negative when initially facing adversity, but I do know that it's unrealistic and fake for anyone to force themselves to be happy when they're not. 

My friend needs time to grieve because she's facing something hard. I hope she won't grieve forever and never resume living her life. I hope that when the time is right, she will pull herself up by her metaphorical boot straps, and say, "Enough."  She had no control over stopping her hard thing from happening, but she does have control over her actions. Maybe it will ease her pain to hear a 'survivor' say that when their focus was on their ability (what they could control,) and not their trial, coping was easier.

Being sad forever, and never progressing in life isn't helpful in any way. It's of no help to replay, in my mind, memories that keep me sad. Life isn't fair. Not ever picking myself up, never moving on, staying depressed, or not ever progressing hurts me tremendously. I only have one life on earth, why would I choose to waste it being sad, angry, upset, depressed, or mad?

When I die, I don't want my loved ones who still live, to stop living their lives; I want them to live as if I had never died. In eternity, when we all look back at our earth lives, I hope we will see progression and have no regrets.