Being the Neck in My Marriage

(I'm probably going to get some boo's for this from some fellow women, but it's really how I feel)

 Short version
The wife needs to be like him first for him to develop his trust in her. She needs to encourage him and let him take the lead; be the head of the household. (The wife who does this is not subservient but strong. Conceding to him says she’s confident enough in herself to let him be in charge.)  After he trusts her then she can be herself. She’ll find that he acts like her in the ways she wants because he trusts her; from the time he trusts her - she calls the shots - but through him. (Publically he wants to look like the lead but he’s happy to listen to her privately.)

Like the wife said in My Big Fat Greek Wedding, “The man may be the head but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants.” The woman is the neck because the man trusts her. How can he trust her if she controls him and tells him what to do? (In that case, over time he’ll become whipped or resent her.) He’s not a pet that is subservient to his wife – he’s not a robot that takes commands. Marriage isn’t just one person– it’s both.

During dating, he may like the same things as her but he’s doing that because he likes her. After they’re married he’ll act like him – like his stuff, be himself. At some point she’ll think this is crap! I want him to be like me like he used to. If she forces him to be like her and belittles him (doesn’t give him respect) a wedge will form in their marriage. (If worse comes to worst he might leave.)

When she thinks this is crap! it’s the critical time – it’s the time he starts to trust her (because her actions show him that she’ll stay by his side no matter what.) If she lets him be the head she’ll be the neck.

Long version
I’m a believer in the husband being the head off the household in all cases - not just in some. Perhaps the wife thinks she knows better than her husband, therefore she takes the lead. That is wrong. She should inspire and encourage him to do it instead. Most husbands want to be in charge, but their wives castrate them when they take charge.

Wives need to swallow their pride and let their husbands take care of them. Of course women do some things just as good as (probably better than) men, but husbands want to do things and be in charge - I say, “let them.” Wives need their husbands, and I ask, "What better way to show it than to believe in them?"

I used to think, if only. If only he had this quality; if only he did this; if only he did that. One time the thought came to me, he IS all those things, you just have to treat him like that. I didn’t want to. I wanted him to do, and be, the things I wished. I look back to that time and say, "Luckily, I swallowed my pride and treated him as if he had those qualities, because my shift in attitude did wonders for our marriage!"

He stepped up the plate in ways that he hadn’t before - because I let him. I gave him my control, and it made him more of a man in my eyes. I know that my husband is capable to do the things I thought he couldn’t. I love him more, and he feels the same way about me. Believing in him to take the lead has greatly paid off. I’m not subservient, I just let him do what comes naturally.

I truly believe that husbands and wives needed to be close to each other and like-minded. That doesn’t mean that they needed to like the same things. They need to be like-minded not alike. My husband and I like very different things. But we think alike in many ways. Some of our differences are:

·         I like show tunes and he likes rock.

·         He listens to music with bass and I hate it.

·         I like musicals but he won’t go to one.

·         He likes tasting a lot of spice and I don’t mind the bland.

·         He likes electronics and I just like having electronics work.

·         I’m hot-headed and he’s patient.

·         I play the piano and he wants to know what makes it play.

·         I liked to program computer software and he likes to know how the program works.

·         And on and on and on….

On a different note, we believe in a lot of the same things; the longer I’m married the more I realize this truth. Here are some of the ways we are the same:

·         When we hear things, sometimes we feel the same way.

·         When we speak, sometimes we say what each other would.

·         When we watch a movie or TV, sometimes we like the same things.

·         We appreciate a lot of the same foods.

·         We listen to some of the same music.

·         And on and on and on….

At one time I thought, we have nothing in common. We have different interests and different likes. Why try to make this work? It felt hard to focus on wanting to be close to him. It seemed easier to let us drift apart. I didn’t like him. I wished he did things (and thought) more like me. I wanted to leave, but, thankfully, I didn’t. Now, I appreciate being with him. We have aged, grown together, and choose to focus on the things we have in common instead of our differences.

I see it happen often that the wife never really leaves her family. She also expects her husband to be like her. If he does think and become like her, he also becomes whipped and resentful of being controlled and not being allowed to be himself. He becomes a person that says, “Yes dear” to make his wife happy and keep the peace, but in his heart he resents her for treating him like a slave. When a husband becomes whipped and resentful it puts a wedge in their marriage. If worse comes to worst, it could lead to him saying, “I'm fed up. I've had enough. Buh-bye.”

Men deserve respect. They deserve to be themselves. They deserve to have their likes. Husbands may become more refined because of their wives, but they shouldn’t lose their identity in the process.

A wife thinking like her husband doesn’t happen overnight. Before a man and woman become a couple and then marry, he's is a bachelor. He may only think about himself and his needs. He can do whatever he wants. He thinks rationally. He says whatever it takes to convince others that he knows what he’s talking about. He puts on his best behavior so a girl will like him. He isn’t more mature than she is, but he acts like it.

If she knows that last truth, she shouldn’t capitalize on that error. After the honeymoon wears off, she may think that her husband doesn’t get it. He might say honest things, but they may also be hurtful and mean and cause tears. He needs to respond in a better way, but he also may act like he knows how to do it because he doesn’t want to come across as unmanly.

She can help him to respond better by encouraging him instead of attacking him. Attacking him may cause the wife to feel better in the short run but it does nothing for their marriage in the long run; in fact, it causes him to get defensive. He doesn’t want to admit that he did anything wrong, therefore he defends himself (even though he did wrong.) The thing she needs to remember is that, 'he does what he knows.' The result of encouragement may take longer to see, but it WILL pay off. Encouragement is teaching in a kind way. Her encouragement will build his trust instead of him thinking that he will never measure up.

When a wife listens to her husband, he comes to know that he can count on her.  Her actions say, “I trust you” and “I choose YOU over my family.” In the movie My Big Fat Greek Wedding the mom says something like “The man might be the head of the house but the woman is the neck and she can turn the head any way she wants.” She says the truth because he will listen to her. I wonder, how can the wife be the neck when the husband doesn’t trust her and when she thinks he doesn’t know anything?

In my marriage, trust has come over time, and after we have faced hard experiences together...and survived. I believe that the only remedy to divorce is to stay married. I also believe that a wife needs to be committed to her marriage even when she doesn’t feel committed to her husband. When a wife sticks with her husband in hard times her actions say, “I'm with you.” I ask myself, "How can a wife become the neck if she bails when the goin' gets tough?"

I love my husband and want to say "honey I'm with you. Thanks for being with me".