Reflections on "How Great Shall Be Your Joy"

I've always heard the scripture about "how great shall be your joy" equated to missionary work. (Implying that if you spend all your life doing missionary work and only bring one soul to Heavenly Father how great shall be your joy. And if your joy is great with one soul imagine how great your joy will be if you bring many souls to Him.)

A few verses before the "how great shall be your joy" scripture the Lord says, "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I can see how every soul is great to God because every soul is his child. I relate to God in my small way - I'm a parent and each of my children is infinitely important to me, so I understand why he said that.

Last week I attended the temple and did work for someone else because I did work for myself 20 years ago. At home I thought about how I helped a soul get what they need to live in Heavenly Father's presence. It occurred to me that I've been endowed in the temple for 20 years and have helped many souls get what they need. The scripture about "how great shall be your joy" crossed my mind and made me realize that when I meet those souls in heaven it will indeed be joyous!

It's joyous to bring souls to the gospel and equally joyous to help them get what they need. I believe the "how great shall be your joy" scripture doesn't just apply to missionaries but it applies to everyone.

"How Great Shall Be Your Joy"
15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! 16 And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! - D&C 18:15-16

A Snippet of My Day So Far

I truly don't know what to say on my blog today; my mind is blank. Just returned from watching the new X-Men movie at the AMC 30 Fork and Screen - which I really liked!! Now I'm home relaxing in my chair with my left-over bag of popcorn and refill of diet Pepsi. I've read all new emails on my iPad, checked Facebook, and after this will play a riveting game (or two) of Spider Solitaire-yes, of course two suits! (The previous sentence may sound boring but at least I'm chillin' and not doing some kind of sweaty manual labor!) I love Saturdays :)

Memories, Hopes, and Dreams

I have a box of things that belonged to me as a young girl. It's interesting to compare what I valued then to what I value now. Then I valued worldly things: my favorite comic strips, things I made, accomplishments, things I wore, and fan club memorabilia. What I value today isn't so tangible. Things I value now are things in my character like patience, kindness, mercy, and love. In today's world, I also value these things:

• I love to learn. There are many ways to learn including from experiences, from books, from people, from music, from ideas, from seeing - hearing - touching - tasting - smelling things, from emotions, and from thinking. (I'm sure there are other ways to learn but these things are what came to me.) Learning expands my mind.
• I love things that inspire me. It wouldn't matter if I couldn't see inspiring things with my eyes because I would see them with my mind.
• I love the positive, the optimistic, and the good. I'm glad to see good things, not just the negative, the pessimistic, and the bad. I hope for things and have faith in good outcomes. I believe in the best.

Tangible things have value and they also don't. They don't because I can't take them with me when I die. They do because they remind me of people or my goals. I appreciate my old things, they aren't reminders of the future but are reminders of my youth.

Remembering a Long Time Ago

This is me 11 years ago. So many things caused me to change including that I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness...not stress. I wanted those things so much that I was willing to give up some things I loved. At the time I worked in a strip-mall behind McDonald's and several times I went there before or after work. I was willing to not go to McDonald's because I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness more.

My favorite restaurant (Tequila Harry's) was across the street and several times I went there with my friend. I was willing to not go to Tequila Harry's because I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness. I replaced my old habits with new ones and they helped me get my goal. Giving up those places brought other things into my life that led to much enlightenment, serenity, and happiness.

Changing is hard-I know! But it's also a leap of faith that brings what I really want into my life. For years I wished for things to be different, but that time I did things that brought about differences...and much happiness.

My Hair

I have Hawaiian hair, this means three things: 1) My hair gets bigger as it dries, 2) It's curly, 3) I have a ton of it. My hair is everywhere, on my pillow, on the floor, in the shower, and in the bristles of the brush! (Per pulls my hair out of the brush every time he uses it or else it sticks to his hair.)

As I blow-dried my hair (to straighten it) I looked at the hair on the bristles of another brush. First, I thought, 'I'm glad Per's not here', and second I thought, 'I'll never go bald'. I asked my son to take a picture and even he said, "You have a lot of hair". I'm grateful for my hair even when it gets me hot, gets in my face, and gets all over. Today, my hair is on my mind.

Sometimes Tears are Good

Honesty sometimes causes me to feel the spirit. The Lord works miracles through me and I can feel it when I feel the spirit. I cry when I feel the spirit. Even though I wish I wouldn't cry, I think others feel the spirit too. I heard once that if I feel it then they feel it. Crying doesn't feel good to me, but feeling the spirit does.

Once A Parent, Always A Parent

I longed for my little children once they had grown and left the nest. I had been a mom for so long that, when they left, I didn't know my purpose. Recently I said to one of my children, "I miss being a mom." He said, "You're still a mom."

I may not be raising kids anymore, but my kids are still learning from me. I may not be doing but I am being and the only thing that's changed is position. When I had little kids, I was first, I was the leader, and I knew what's best. Now that they're grown, they're first. They're the leader and we all get to see what they can do. I may have taken a back seat to my kids, but I think it comforts them to know that they're not alone. 

I'm here anytime they need me, but, unlike children who can run to their parents, when they need me they may be a little further away; they might get to drive to my house or pick up the phone. "Once a parent, always a parent" is a true statement. I spent a little time doing (raising,) but I get to spend my entire parenthood being my children's parent. What a happy realization!

Sleeping In

I now know that it is impossible, where I live, to sleep in for these reasons: 1) The construction trucks (building a grocery store down the street, and widening the road behind my house) are quite loud and beep a lot, 2) Telemarketers call my phone (even though it's on several 'do not call' lists. Luckily, it doesn't ring in my room, but I can hear it ring in the kitchen and it still wakes me up,) and 3) People run lawn mowers. It's a musical symphony outside! Basically, it's not quiet.

My bedroom window is open because when the thermostat says 'heat', it gets really warm in my room (I'm talking REALLY warm!) I like my room to be cool (in the lower 60's) so 78 degrees, even with the ceiling fan on, isn't going to cut it! The noise outside is even more clear with my bedroom window open. Those three things weren't the first noises I heard this morning; the birds won when they started chirping at 530am. (Did you know that birds chirp at 330 in the morning? I thought their nest was in a nearby tree, but recently learned that it's in the gutter on my roof...by my bedroom window! Good times :)

I have a feeling that the majority of these noises are only going to be more prevalent as the weather warms. What will I do? Not sleep in!

My Attitude

I've been reading my online journal from the beginning (Jan 2009) to now. I'm a lot different now than back then! I see how sad and frustrated I felt because of the changes in my life (that came on suddenly-and stayed.) I didn't want to accept my illness - my trial, but, as a reality, had to. I see how angry I felt when I had learned some truths while writing my book. Five years have passed since my diagnosis, and now I feel much more accepting of my illness, less sad, less frustrated about my life, more authentic and truthful, and more accepting of people.

Did I experience depression or grief? I say that I grieved my loss. I never felt a black cloud hover over me, nor did I have a hopeless feeling that lingered. I felt great sadness for losing my abilities, and great frustration for wanting the past, but I didn't stay permanently sad and frustrated. I think that time has helped me to accept my fate, and optimism has helped me to see the good in a bad situation.

I've said, "This sucks!" many times. I've also learned things that have caused me to change and to cope. I think that acknowledging the crap but not having an eternally crappy attitude has helped me to continue to progress.

Long ago, I experienced depression. I felt a dark cloud hover over me and wrote sad poetry. I thought my life would always be my current experience. My depression didn't end until changes happened in my life - changes that felt like a light switch; my depression suddenly went away when my life changed, and then my attitude went from sadness to happiness. When my depression went away, I could see 'a light at the end of the tunnel,' and looked forward to the future instead of just letting my current life get me down.

When I compare my depression from long ago to how I feel now (as well as to ways I've felt over the last five years,) the feelings aren't the same. With my current trial, I've never felt myself spiral down to lingering sadness, even though I've felt very sad. For me, a blessing in my life was my shift in thinking, from feeling sadness and despair to feeling hope and gratitude. I have surely felt negative things, but have never lost hope nor gratitude - in fact those two things have helped me to endure my trial.

I could have sunk into depression five years ago when I felt scared and didn't know why things were happening, but a thought reminded me that it could be worse. I thought about the things that I had experienced (eye problems, walking problems) and felt grateful that my problems weren't worse! In the last five years, I've had many 'it could be worse' experiences that have caused me to feel gratitude instead of sadness. The shift in my thinking (to look for good instead of bad) has helped me tremendously!

I believe in hoping to receive my dreams as well as in honestly acknowledging my reality. I didn't wish to get sick in 2008, but I did wish for things in my life to change. My life may not be how I imagined it, but the blessings I've received far outweigh my current trial. I refuse to let myself go to a bad place - in my mind, or in any other way.

Why I Am Focused and Religious

I behave based on what's in my heart. The thing I want most in my heart is eternal life - I want to live again with God and JC. The first year after getting sick, I realized that I could spend my entire life focusing on things that didn't matter - things that could be taken away - and never develop (focus on) the things that DID matter and that would never be taken away - my character (see Behavior vs. Attributes in November 2009.) I decided to focus on the important things to me: my family relationships, my character, and my relationship with God.

I want my goal some day, but want to have Godly attributes in my character right now. (I could go somewhere today, get hit by a bus, and be killed. I don't know for how long my life will be - I assume, but, in truth, simply don't know. No matter for how long I live, I want to be prepared now for when I meet God.) I want to be real - not just appear real because I know that I can't fool Him; He who looks at my heart. I want to be the same...both on the inside and outside - I don't want to look nice on the outside but on the inside be filled with dead men's bones.

Fast forward to today. I'm focused and religious because I only develop in me what matters most. I've dropped the things that really don't matter and have tried to focus on the things that do matter (my character.) I'm authentic, and believe that I'm someone who could live in God's presence. I live with no regrets. I love the words to Kenneth Cope's song "Treasure the Truth" and believe what they say.

Treasure the Truth

Treasure, lost in a field.
Found by a traveler, then quickly concealed. 
Rejoicing, he gives up his all,
To have the treasure, the Kingdom of God. 

Jesus knew we were lost. 
He came as a traveler to cover the cost. 
Unfailing, He paid with His death. 
Hoping we'd join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Now truly we see what we are.
For treasure will govern the heart. 
And if His heart moved Him to die, so we could live, 
Then His treasure is you and I. 

There's treasure waiting in heaven, 
For all who follow the truths He has given. 
He bids us come, so that's what I will do. 
To have this treasure, I'll treasure the truth. 

Truly we show what we are, 
For treasure will govern our hearts. 
And if our hearts will give up all to live with Him, 
Then our treasure's the Son of God. 

Like treasure laid in a tomb 
Brought forth triumphant in glorious view. 
I pledge my faith, and all that I can do, 
To win His treasure, He is my treasure, 
To be His treasure, I'll treasure the truth.

Special Experiences in my Life

One of the special things in my life are my dreams. Vivid, colorful, detailed, honest, weird, liberating, repeating, and sometimes continuous. I remember a lot of my dreams as well as the feelings that accompany them. They are set in different times - some past, some present, and some future. A few are scary, and many are peaceful. Some are gross, and a lot are beautiful. When I think of certain places, certain dreams enter my mind. I remember less of my dreams now than before getting sick, but they mean great things to me.

I'm glad to write things in my journal. Many thoughts run through my mind and are easier to contemplate when I write them down. My journal is like a mute friend that listens for as long as I talk. People can hear too many words, but my journal never says, "Enough!" Many times, I've considered my journal cheap therapy because I've written my true feelings and later read and learned from them. My first journal versus the one I have now are quite different. One reflects my 10-year old self, and the other reflects a more mature me.

One of my favorite high school memories is when a group of friends and I went to a park at night, stood in a circle holding hands, and sang songs. Most teenage kids wouldn't esteem an event like that, but it touched my soul. I'm thankful for the spirituality that has always been a part of my life. Church services, seminary, firesides, and Super Saturdays shaped me. Even my high school choir experience had a spiritual effect on my life. I'm sure that the person I am today is partly attributed to the fact that a lot of my growing up years were done in Orem and Provo, Utah. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel in my heart for the spirituality in my life.

Nothing compares to love. My marriage and the birth of my children are special experiences, indeed. Per, Bryan, and Andrew enrich my life more than I can say. My heart overflowed last year when I saw my oldest son marry his sweetheart. Kimbra adds something special to our family - she is meant to be with us. 

The places around the world where I've been hold a special place in my heart. The people I've met have truly touched me - I'm fortunate to have met them. Some people don't want to travel far distances but I've always wanted it and appreciate the opportunity to have done so. The beautiful places I've seen have enhanced my life. Memories are forever etched in my mind of wonderful sites, fun things, and nice people.

There are many special experiences in my life that haven't been mentioned. Actually, every good experience I've had is special. I feel so grateful when I think about all the special things in my life. Sure, there are crappy things in my life too, but I don't mention them because they aren't special. I am not exempt from feeling sad, lonely, betrayed, and many other negative things, I just don't choose to remain depressed, mad, or hurt because I want to feel happy. There are many good experiences in my life. I love remembering them.

Positive Thoughts About Living in a Loving Place

Everyone who reads my blog sees first hand that sometimes I have the tendency to assume the worst instead of hope for the best. I posted my previous post to indicate that I will honestly state how I feel without being afraid of what people think; that I'm willing to say my opinion even if people stop being my friend; and that I will stand by my beliefs even if I stand alone. My intention being said, I don't want to hurt or offend anyone. I care about my friends. Yes, I have my opinion but I don't need to rub it in anyone's face.

When I hear something bad, my first inclination is to get away from it. When I heard about bullets being purchased by homeland security, my imagination went wild. I didn't want to possibly be shot. I didn't want to have a leader who I felt didn't care about me. I didn't want to live in a country that could possibly turn on its people. (We are civilized, not barbaric. We don't act like what I see happening in Syria.) 

All the thoughts of what I didn't want caused me to think about leaving my country. I thought about where I would go and considered Mexico or Central America - somewhere where the people had values like me. (They are a loving people and family oriented; though poor.) I considered why foreigners came to America and imagined taking the idea of freedom to them and lifting them out of their poverty. (I believe that foreigners don't want to leave the country they love, but they do it to have a better life.)

As I considered the idea of offering the American ideals to a people who need it, and the thought of lifting them out of their poverty, I got excited; I saw them in a different way than I ever had before; I wanted to be a part of helping people do something good. (To lift, not tear down.)

I have hope that my country will remain great, but reality tells me differently. Things are changing and I resist some changes. Nevertheless, I will say things that include hope so that people are encouraged by my writing. Lashing out isn't helpful, expressing myself in the best way is. One of my challenges is to think before I speak. I want to live in a loving place and hope that place is the United States of America. 

Focusing on the Good

Yesterday, while Per prepared food for the Superbowl, I saw a commercial for PBA (Pseudobulbar Affect.) It's a neurological disorder that occurs in some people who've had brain trauma, a stroke or who have MS, ALS, Parkinson's, or Alzheimer's. (Click here or here to read more about it.) It's a disorder that includes uncontrollable laughing and/or crying. It comes on suddenly, lasts for only a few seconds, and may happen several times a day.

When Per saw the commercial he said, "I think you have that. I think you have Pro Bowler's Association. If you told someone you had PBA, they might say I didn't know you bowled." Hahahaha - that's funny! Let me laugh about that for a while.

Yes, I have PBA and it has greatly affected my life. When I first got MS, I used to say that I had no filter. I meant that I couldn't control my emotions. For example, two years ago on the airplane a little girl started crying and it made me cry.

I used to teach children but asked to be released because when I read a touching story it made me tear up - not like touching tears but I-feel-out-of-control tears. (I imagine that older kids and adults would understand my condition, but little children would probably wonder why I'm crying and I wouldn't want to scare them.)

Today, I feel people's emotions when I look in their eyes. I laugh when I see a smile or see or hear something funny, and I cry when I see or hear the same. This disorder causes people to become anti-social because they feel embarrassed. Thank goodness I use writing to express my feelings, because if I couldn't express myself and I constantly felt embarrassed because of my disorder I'd surely feel depressed.

The fact that I have this disorder is not going to stop me from doing what I want. I'm like water. If water is dammed and a crack is in the dam, it will escape. If I get dammed, I'll find another way to get what I want. I'm not going to say, "Oh well, I got stopped. I guess I'll go back." No, nothing will stand in the way of me and my goal. I relate to this quote: "Resolve says, "I will." The man says, "I will climb this mountain. They told me it is too high, too far, too steep, too rocky and too difficult. But it's my mountain. I will climb it. You will soon see me waving from the top or dead on the side from trying."

I love two things in my life; 1) my family and 2) helping people. I will continue to do what I can even though I have MS and a disorder. Knowing I have yet another set back causes me to focus on what I can do.

Good Versus Evil

In America, the 1960's had two kinds of people - those for the Vietnam war and those against it. American's for the war believed in freedom from oppression, and American exceptionalism. American's against the war believed in free love, and an unrealistic ideal (that if they believed in peace real hard, the unpeaceful would become peaceful. Reality says that no matter a person's thinking, there are evil people in the world who want to kill them and unless they defend themselves, they will die.)

The hippies didn't go away, they just got older. In the 1980's they just changed their words to make them more appealing, but their message remained the same "make love, not war." They founded organizations that promoted social programs like political correctness (be nice,) and environmental awareness (take care of the earth.) The programs became ways to control people - how they talk, and what they believe.

There's a difference between being nice and being forced to be nice. It's nice to women not to call them "sugar" and "babe". It's nice to blacks not to call them "niggers". But you can't regulate what people say because they'll say what they want. People still call others retards, idiots, faggots, blondes, stupid, fat, ugly, and many other mean things. All political correctness has done is point out that it's not nice.

I think environmental awareness truly started out as a good thing. Don't throw trash on the ground, but in the trash can. Recycle and reuse.  Save animals from getting caught in plastic bags and soda pop rings by throwing those things away or not using them. Don't kill endangered animals, they'll become extinct. Many programs had good intentions but got corrupted as they evolved. Now, some people say that animals are as important as humans, and the EPA prevents things from getting built to preserve an animal's natural habitat.

In the 80's a lot of talk mentioned the rain forests getting demolished and how it affected the weather. Now we have climate change (once global warming,) and people say we need to protect the earth (polar bears, rain forests, the arctic circle) from evil capitalists who want to change our environment to make a buck. 

In other parts of the world, the word "communism" became derogatory so they changed their name to "green". The word green became synonymous with environment. The "greenies" took over good programs and tricked people with their words. Then they implemented radical ideas.

When I look at this situation I see that it's just good vs. evil masked by choice and control. And, I see that people are getting tricked into conforming because they aren't aware of the truth that good is being used to cause a person to do or believe in bad.

Some programs say things like this: "The environment is good and money is bad because money causes greed" (Not true. Money doesn't cause greed, people do - both rich and poor;) "Animals are good and capitalism is bad because capitalists kill animals" (Not true;) "Peace is good and war is bad because war takes loved ones away" (War does take loved ones away, but it's better to defend ourselves than to be sitting ducks;) "Saying nice things is good and saying mean things is bad because mean words hurt people's feelings" (It's not nice to hurt people's feelings, and it's worse to be forced to say nice things;) "It's better to think of happy things (like rainbows and unicorns) because the truth is just depressing" (It's better to be informed than in the clouds and led somewhere I don't want to go.)

Most American's believe in what they think is good. Unfortunately, in my opinion, America is no longer strong and most American's have become wimpy. So what are American's to do to be strong? Become aware of the tricks and stand for what's right.

I Love My Husband

If I didnt have a chonic illness I could manage to do 75% of the things that needed to be done; but I would need someone else to do the other 25%. My husband makes it 100%. He makes up for what I lack. He's logical, good with money and athletic. I need him and he needs me.

I notice things that he doesn't and make things look pretty. He's functional and I'm visual. As a single person, his house would run but it wouldn't look as nice as our's :)

He could do 75% too, but I make up for the things he lacks. For example, I have a kind of compassion that he doesn't. He's nice to people, but he's also honest and could hurt feelings. I say "don't say that, say this" when thinking something could be said better. 

He's logical and I'm emotional. He makes things work and I make them look good. We're different but we have things in common too. For example: we like things to smell nice; take the initiative to get things done; have similar humor; and strive to be the best at what we do.

I've learned a lot from him. I handle money better, don't give in to the people I once did, and no longer apologize for myself. I also believe he's learned from me. I'm glad he's in my life and when I say he's made me a better person, the above explains some things. I love him.

My Thoughts about 9/11

That horrible experience happened 11 years ago, but I remember it like it happened yesterday. The things I will never forget (besides what happened) are the humanity of the media, the patriotism of Americans, and the outpouring of support from around the world. The pictures I saw for weeks after that event, and every year afterward will always be etched in my memory. I looked in my journal to see if I had written anything about the event and here's what I wrote:

My New Life

I raised children for 22 years. This is the first year since 1990 that I haven’t needed to know when school starts because my baby graduated from public school last May. I feel happy in some ways but sad in others. I find myself asking “now what?” regarding what to do with my life.

My oldest son graduated from college and married at the end of the spring term. My youngest son also graduated, but from high school. For years I wanted to see those days come. Now that my raising children time has been and gone, I look back over that time and realize how fast it went by. Back when I raised children I couldn't see the end and the time seemed like it would last forever. Now that my children have moved on with their lives (and I’m happy for them,) I want my babies back because raising children is what I know.

I find myself at a crossroad of leaving behind what I knew. The discovery of moving into new territory is exciting, but, as a creature of habit, I keep looking back. (I faced this when I got sick. I had to leave behind my old life and discover my new life. I lamented when I got sick because I wanted my old life, nevertheless, it had gone and I needed to embrace the new.)

I realize that the only thing constant is change. (Actually, I wouldn’t want things to stay the same because I’m not the same.) I like change but I like what I know…the two don’t mix.

A Photo Experience

I have to blog about this because our feelings showed in our family picture. I bought a Target Portrait package from Groupon because I wanted a family picture with our newest family member, Kimbra. I scheduled our photo shoot for the same Saturday that Andrew flew to California but the gal on the phone assured me we would be done well before the time we had leave for the airport.

Andrew's flight left at 2:30 P.M. Per and I planned to drive Andrew to the airport, and we needed to leave by 12:30 (in order to get there an hour before the flight.) I scheduled our portrait time for 10:00 in the morning (and knew it would take about an hour.) I figured that getting home by 11:00 would give us plenty of time to change clothes before going to the airport.

We got to Target promptly for our appointment. Two girls worked that day. One of them told us to wait while the other people in the studio finished, so we sat on the chairs in the waiting area. The people in the studio finished and came out to the front where they looked at their pictures on a computer and chose a package.

The same girl came over to us again and told us we had to wait longer because of them being short handed. Then we watched as two more families arrived and went into the studio ahead of us! We waited an hour past our appointment before finally getting into the studio at 11:00. (I considered us having our pictures taken while feeling extremely angry an ironic situation.)

We waited for so long that during our session the photographer had devised a plan. She said she would take our pictures, then we would leave, then we would go back to their store after we went to the airport, then we would pick our pictures. I felt so flustered that I didn't notice the fact that she took pictures of ALL the kids and didn't take any of just Bryan and Kimbra. We followed her plan and upon our return to the studio, Per and I picked the pictures we liked best. Then, again, we left.

The photographer took our pictures by noon. We drove home and changed before going to the airport. Andrew made his flight. We got our pictures taken. But our photo experience didn't happen the way I planned: I wanted the experience to feel happy but instead it felt stressful.

Per just picked up our pictures yesterday even though they had been ready since May 30. Of course the girl tried to sell him additional pictures besides the ones we bought. He just wanted to get our pictures and get out of there, so he told her no thanks. (I'm glad I didn't go into the store instead of Per because if she had tried to sell me additional pictures I would have given her a piece of my mind...and it wouldn't have been pretty.)

Most of the photos surprised me and looked nice. I laughed when I saw our family photo because Per, Bryan, and I don't look that great whereas Andrew and Kimbra do. One thing I know is that I will NEVER again buy a Target portrait package.

Here are the pictures we got. The composite picture is large and wouldn't fit in my scanner but you get the idea. Don't let the picture of just Bryan and Kimbra fool you: it also included Andrew but Target must have cropped him out.

Accomplishments are a Big Deal!

I used to shrug off my accomplishments and think of them as no big deal. I am creative and would think I can replicate the thing if I need it. I no longer hand-write but when I could, I wrote things to cheer people up. I can no longer sing but when I could, I sang to people to encourage them. I no longer draw but when I did, I made some wonderful art. At work, I made many good spreadsheets and typed great letters that included just the right words and sentences. At home, I ironed well and cleaned thoroughly.

I never valued the creative things I did, but I can't do them anymore and now I think Wow! I had talent. (I know I still have talent, but the great things I once did, I thought came naturally to everyone. Now I know that everyone couldn't do the great job I did.)

Everyone has at least one talent - I'd venture to say they have many. The things that came naturally to me, could also be called talents. When I felt inspired to sing, I sang. When I thought that perhaps the quote or poem or book I had would help someone, I gave it to them. I gladly gave away many things and didn't save a copy for myself because the thing was for them not me.

Today I wondered, as I looked around my home, how will my kids know that I cared about people? I think they will know because of how I cared about them.

This morning I considered all the things I had made and thought amazing. The things I did are noteworthy and deserve acknowledgment. I wouldn't have once thought that but instead would have shrugged it off because it came easy to me. I considered the things I did "no big deal."

People have talents that I don't have. Perhaps they don't consider them amazing because they come naturally, but I'm here to say "things they do that they think aren't a big deal ARE!" People need give themselves credit for what they can do instead of think they need to do more.

Looking Back to the Next Generation

Bryan's marriage has caused me to reflect and realize I'm not in the current generation anymore. I feel weird realizing that my kids are grown and that I could be called "grandma" in a few years.

When I got married, at 22, being a grandparent seemed so far away. I had my second child at 25 and for the next 15+ years, Per and I focused on parenting. We watched our kids play soccer and football, listened to them fight, and tried to teach them even when they didn't want to listen.

We attended church, encouraged them, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. We went on family vacations (usually to visit other family) and gave them as many opportunities as we could. They usually thought the things we did were dumb and I consoled myself by thinking that one day they would appreciate it.

I made countless dinners for my family, sat up with my kids when they were sick, and kissed their boo-boo's when they got hurt. I sang songs to them, read them several books and played many games with them. I wanted to do everything I could for my kids because I loved them.

It felt hard for me to accept the discord of them wanting me when they were little but repelling my direction when they got older. (I knew of it being natural for kids to want their own identities because of being told what to say and do. I understood that after kids got older they realized they wanted to do what they thought. But when my kids did that, it didn't stop my feelings from hurting.) As a mom, I had always directed my kids and been in charge. After my kids became teenagers, and no longer wanted my direction, I felt like they no longer wanted me. I took their rejection personally.  (That's how I felt at the time, but today I know that just because they didn't want my direction didn't mean they didn't want a mother.)

When I stood in the thick of parenting, I thought those years would never end. Now that I no longer parent children, I look back on that time and consider it short. (I will probably live until I am at least 80. Eighteen years out of 80 doesn't seem very long.)

I think my real parenting starts now. The advice I'll give my adult children is based on life experience. Perhaps they'll ask me questions like "How do you handle...?" or "How do you do...?" (Just like with raising kids, there is no handbook or 'right' answer.) I will say what I know when my kids ask me a question and hope my words suffice.