I'm Back! and My Greatest Wish

I've missed writing my blog since I did it for six years, but want to change my focus from handling my trial to living my life. I took a break from my blog because I needed it, but now I'm back. With having MS, I feel better than before and want to just live my life, but what I notice is that a lot of people treat me like I'm incapable and different. It's true that I'm not a "normal" person (I don't do things fast but instead take my time) but can still do things and want to try.

My challenge now is facing the pre-conceived notions of people that see me as different than them. They may judge me and think they know who I am, but unless they find out...it's just an assumption. No matter how they are, I choose to be loving because that's how I am. Life is full of injustices but it's up to me to either focus on the unfairness or focus on being how I want.

I focus on being how I want and on living my life. One of the things I want to do is publish my book because I think it will really help people. My book now is different from the original one. It's called  Peaks and Valleys and is a true story about various peaks and valleys in my life. The book is hopeful throughout every chapter. I want to say a few things I've experienced as well as how no one stays permanently in the valley but eventually they climb the mountain, reach the summit and see the beautiful world. I say honest things that everyone thinks but few dare vocalize. I believe people will relate to my story because they, too, face hard things, but more than relating I want them to know they can overcome, be brave, and know they can do it. I love people and my greatest wish is their happiness.

Some of My Changes Take Time

How many times have I had an impression to do something, not done it, and looked back and said, "I should have done it." (At those times, immediately the little voice in my head inflicts a bad feeling for not being perfect.)

Then again, how many times have I had an impression to do something, done it, and looked back and said, "I'm glad I did it." (At those times, my heart feels glad.)

I'm an imperfect human. Sometimes I make mistakes then I look back and see where I could have done better. But, rather than dwell on how I am now I choose to dwell on how I can be. I'm happy that I can change and become what doesn't disappoint me. I make mistakes but find hope in the fact that I can become better than I was and not make those mistakes in the future.

Changing doesn't happen over night. I might think of how to improve my life but not dare to do it for a while. (Case in point: I knew five years ago that red meat was bad for me but it took me four more years to give it up. All changes don't take that long, I'm just saying that some changes take time.)

It's one thing to realize something but quite another thing to change. When I realize something, I mill it over in my mind for a while and think about it. If I need to change, I consider the effects before getting up the courage to act. I find comfort in the fact that I can act. I can change, I'm not a tree that is forever rooted and will always be a tree.

Inspiring Words

I love to hear or read something inspiring. To me, something is true no matter who said it. I love some quotes by Mother Theresa, but I'm not a Catholic. The Dalai Lama says some great things, but do I need to be a Buddhist to appreciate them? The leaders of my church say some great things too, and I love their words. Here are some wise words that I love:

~If you judge people, you have no time to love them. -Mother Theresa

~When you know better, do better. -Maya Angelou

~It's always better to look up. -Thomas S. Monson

~First you're young, then you're middle-aged, then you're wonderful -Alice Roosevelt Longworth

~Without meaning, we drift. Without goodness, we distrust. Without love, we grow cold. Lloyd Newell

~When you get, give. When you learn, teach. -Maya Angelou

~Our prime purpose in life is to help others. If you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. -Dalai Lama

~We do what we do every day, that's why excellence comes naturally. -Unknown (A sign at Per's doctor's office.)

~Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. -Psalms 110:105

Sometimes people  say great concepts that encourage and inspire me. When I apply their words to my life, it gives me a feeling of resolve. When I think about their words, it's like having a cheering section that chants "You can do it!" I appreciate people taking the time to say things that benefit my life. Here are some great concepts:

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf said that we can rise above our trials. (He's a commercial pilot by profession, so some of his stories relate to flight.) He gave an excellent talk on prayer and the blue horizon. He compared the clouds to our problems and that when we look up - perhaps the problems are all we see, but to remember there's blue sky and sunshine above the clouds.

~Jim Rohn said that our words help people see possibilities. (He was a business philosopher and motivational speaker who inspired many people.) He mentioned how when we speak, our words shed light on something people can't see. They might say, "It dawned on me". He said that what we say can help others.

Inspiring things are all around me. Books, songs, friends, plaques, and helpful phrases in my mind, encourage and inspire me. It's up to me to see the good in things. The good lifts, it reminds me to hope, and it gives me the courage to face my trials.

It's OK; I still have hope

Part of me wants to sulk because my candidate didn't win yesterday. Part of me wants to say "its not fair!" and call people cheaters. But that's the natural man talking. I want to think beyond the negativity and have Godly thoughts.

I don't want to sink into a depression but rise with the optimism of a bright tomorrow. (Don't get me wrong, I don't think the optimism lies in the hands of our newly elected president. I just realize the truth, acknowledge that American's have spoken, and think it is what it is.) All I can do is work on becoming the best me possible. If I truly believe in forgiveness, mercy, and love, I will extend those things to everyone. It's hard to do - especially to the people to whom I don't think deserve it - but it necessary so that I don't get a bitter heart.

I won't hold a grudge against people who think differently than me. I will focus on the things we have in common not what we don't. My actions will say that I bring together not divide. 

I Will Never Stop Hoping

Sometimes people don't choose what I would. My heart has been broken and I've felt discouraged many times but I comfort myself by remembering 'that is what they choose today and I hope they'll choose differently tomorrow.'

Sometimes all I can do are two things: 1) pray that they'll choose the good thing and 2) think good things about them. I never stop loving them just because they choose something I wouldn't but it's hard to love someone who chooses something else. My human nature wants to punish, turn away from, and be mad at them. But what would that do? (Other than them not talking to me because I pushed them away.) I don't want them to be out of my life even though they broke my heart, therefore, I choose to be nice to them.

I hope that one day they'll choose better.

Some people do things differently than me. It's hard to think the best instead of the worst because thinking the best means I trust them. That's hard for me because I'm not very trusting. I question motives and tend to think the worst. When I do that, people probably think I'm mean and  don't want to talk to me. All I can say is that it's not because of them but because of my lack of trust that causes me to act this way.

I hope that one day I'll choose better.

Those two scenarios tell me that no one is perfect and that hoping for the best is a good thing.

Getting Over My Pain

Recently, some people said things to me that really hurt my feelings. I felt offended and wanted to hurt their feelings like they'd hurt mine. For weeks I struggled. I truly didn't know what to do. I wondered how I could go to church and see them when they made me mad.  

When I thought about what they said, again it opened my wound. I thought of their words as unkind and unfair. Although painful, I had to allow myself to feel anger before I could come to terms with the truth and decide how to be. Only then could I feel happy again.

It happened so long ago that I no longer wished to lament. I also didn't want to feel upset. I wanted to find a solution. One day, I realized that their actions were a reflection of them and my actions were a reflection of me. I decided to be loving and kind even if they weren't that way toward me.

I love my church but it's full of imperfect people including some to whom I don't relate. Some people are kind -- but some aren’t. 

The thing I know is that I can't control anyone else's thoughts, feelings and actions. All I can do is work on being the way I want to be.

That knowledge has helped me overcome my dilemma. Now, I can go to church and see the people who hurt me without feeling angry and bitter because I focus on how I want to be instead of their words.

Hope

Kris Belcher's blog today has this quote:

"Elder Orson F. Whitney said: “No pain that we suffer, no trial that we experience is wasted. It ministers to our education, to the development of such qualities as patience, faith, fortitude and humility. All that we suffer and all that we endure, especially when we endure it patiently, builds up our character, purifies our heart, expands our soul, and makes us more tender and charitable, more worthy to be called the children of God … and it is through sorrow and suffering, toil and tribulation, that we gain the education that we came here to acquire and which will make us more like our Father and Mother in heaven” (quoted in Spencer W. Kimball, Faith Precedes the Miracle, 98)."

I really like this quote because it reminds me that everything I experience is worthwhile (even if I don't like it). I'm glad for the opportunity I have to still learn and grow and know that the trials I face in this life won't follow me into eternity.