What Now?

Now that my trial no longer defines me I ask myself, "What Now?" I'm reminded of what Gandalf said to Bilbo in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Gandalf said to Bilbo, "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure". Bilbo, an upstanding hobbit who always followed rules and never went against the grain, said it wasn't him. Gandalf said, "It'll be good for you". Bilbo learned about the adventure and asked Gandalf if he could guarantee that he'd come back. (This is the line in the movie that stood out to me) Gandalf said, "No. And if you do you will not be the same".

I relate those words to my trial because it has changed me. I, like Bilbo, am back from my adventure and looking around ask, "Now that I'm back, what now?" I don't have frustrating things to lament about. I'm not surrounded by drama. I'm just a regular person doing regular things. "What now?" I ask myself. The answer is, "Slip back into obscurity and live my life".

I like to write and be the center of attention. I appreciate those who have supported, sustained, and lifted me when I was down. I've been a bird with a broken wing. I needed loving people in my life and I got them. But like a lighthouse light that keeps moving, the spotlight is off me and so I end my story. Good news: I'm still here and plugging away, just like you, at life.

I'm Not My Trial

I met a guy who got in a serious accident while in High School. He had many injuries and for the rest of his life will be disabled. Five years after his accident, it makes him want to travel around to high schools and encourage kids to be smarter than him at that age. I believe if I talked to him in ten years he would still tell me the same story (that would have happened many years ago) and it would still be the center of his life.

In thinking about that guy it occurs to me that I don't want to make my MS the center of my life. I don't want to only refer to lessons learned from having MS because I've learned lessons from other trials too. Granted, having MS is my hardest trial but it's not my only trial nor is it the only trial that has taught me.

The guy's trial is hard and I don't diminish it in any way. All I'm saying is that I'm me and not my trial. For a time my trials ARE me, but eventually I let go of them and become just me again.

Living My Life "Today"

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why it's called the present" what a clever saying and how true! It doesn't say this but today is the only time I can affect. What I do today becomes what I did when today is over, but it can't be changed-I already did it. All I can do is a different thing now.

For example, I was an unmarried, pregnant teenager. Many people judged and shunned me, and didn't show me love but disapproval. All they can do now is be nice and loving today. All I can do now is forgive them, hope they'll do better today, and not let it affect my life. What's done is done and I can either
hold a forever grudge or move on with my life. For me, the experience happened many years ago and doesn't affect my life today.

I heard a talk once where the guy said, "The best time to plant a tree is right now". I love that statement! If I didn't plant the tree before it doesn't matter because I can plant it now. Just because I didn't plant it back then doesn't mean I can't plant it. In my mind it's never too late to plant as long as the garden is still there.