I'm Not My Trial

I met a guy who got in a serious accident while in High School. He had many injuries and for the rest of his life will be disabled. Five years after his accident, it makes him want to travel around to high schools and encourage kids to be smarter than him at that age. I believe if I talked to him in ten years he would still tell me the same story (that would have happened many years ago) and it would still be the center of his life.

In thinking about that guy it occurs to me that I don't want to make my MS the center of my life. I don't want to only refer to lessons learned from having MS because I've learned lessons from other trials too. Granted, having MS is my hardest trial but it's not my only trial nor is it the only trial that has taught me.

The guy's trial is hard and I don't diminish it in any way. All I'm saying is that I'm me and not my trial. For a time my trials ARE me, but eventually I let go of them and become just me again.

The Future is Bright

"If I knew then what I know now things would have been different." Maybe, but I would still have had good and bad times. I've heard, "If I could go back and tell myself some things I could save myself some heart ache." I don't know if that's true for a couple reasons:

1) I wouldn't have listened. Surely, I wanted a few things different but if they were different the changes wouldn't have meant what they mean to me now.

 

2) The bad AND good things would have changed. When I pine for the past I want the good things to stay but the bad things to go. If I could go back and tell myself some things I could save myself some heart ache, but everything in my life would also change and I wouldn't be who I am today.

The past is gone, it's over, it happened and I can't go back and change it. Good things didn't only happen in my past and only bad things happen now. I look back and miss certain jobs, and friends, but the only thing I can do now is know that in my future are new opportunities and new friends. When I look back at what I previously had I see the good things. I want them because I'm drawn to goodness but honestly if I got them I'd get the bad things too; when I consider that I don't want to have it again.

All I can do is say, "It was a time in my life " (the past), let it go, and look ahead. I look forward to good things - knowing what I know now.

 

Giving Up What's Holding Me Back

What I gave up
I thought my main addiction was something else, but it's not. My main addiction is food. Food is what stands between me and God. It's what I turn to for comfort, for peace, and for happiness. I asked God to help me lose weight but immediately had the impression that I didn't 'really' want to give it up; part of my heart was still attached to it. (I know He'll help me if I ask with all my heart, but that's where I feel stuck.)

I can hear Neal A. Maxwell saying, "We keep a summer cottage in Babylon." I can hear the father in Mark 9 saying, "Help thou my unbelief." It's a matter of trusting in God more than trusting in food. It's a matter of having faith that God will give me good things instead of having fear from thinking that bad things will happen.

How it held me back

He's already helped me in ways I can't explain. I need to remember His goodness and how He'll help me, and let go of something that will give me more of the same. I see myself carried in the air and wanting to rise, but holding on to something that keeps me down. If I'd just let go, I'd rise and experience happiness. It's like a person who went down with a sunken ship; they want to go to the top and get air but they're holding on to a dead body. They need to let go of the dead body, go to the surface, and save themselves.

For me, I need to trust God rather than trust food. Food has been my comfort, and my friend. It has brought me happiness and peace. But now it's time to let it go. God will replace all the things food gave to me. I'm not giving up my addiction to food to replace it with nothing. No! I'm giving it up to replace it with God. Giving it up is letting go of the past to have a new future. Everything in the future is new and the future is a place where I do it only because I choose.

Additional thoughts

This has been a huge learning experience for me.

The quote, "What you resist, persists" runs through my mind as I think about my 'diet' and what I couldn't have. I thought I'd have to give up certain foods, sacrifice, and that it would be hard. My 'sacrifice' became the elephant in the room that sat there EVERY DAY, and losing weight felt like a constant challenge.

Now that my focus has shifted I don't think it will be hard. I have absolute belief that I'll accomplish my goal and the great news is that it will be done while doing what I love...eating food! I look forward to this year as I slim down and reveal the 'real' me. This year will be fun, exciting, and the beginning of something new. My impression is that I'll still need to make wise choices, but that He'll help me.

Wherefore, if God so clothe the grass of the field, which to day is, and to morrow is cast into the oven, shall he not much more clothe you, O ye of little faith? (Matthew 6:30) I need to trust Him to take care of me.