Before and After Sinning

I love this journal entry
April 28, 2007

I’ve been thinking about where I’d be if I didn’t have Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost and the gospel in my life. I’d be a vile person full of darkness and sin. I’d be imprisoned by my sins, bound by no self control. I’d be carnal and full of mischief.

I have weaknesses that would have spiraled out of control and consumed my life. I’d be a slave to my weaknesses today if it weren’t for the goodness and mercy of Jesus Christ - if it weren’t for the fact that I know I’m not vile – I’m a divine daughter of God with beauty and purity. I happen to be living in a fallen state, in a fallen world. I am susceptible to my weaknesses and sin and only one person can save me from myself – the Lord Jesus Christ – He is my master. I will follow him forever and he walks with me.

I am not and never will be free from sin in this lifetime. I try to live with purity and keep the commandments. I pray, read the scriptures, and live by faith and good works. But inevitably I will sin. I will again fall and give in to my weaknesses.

Before sinning
Something happens. It consumes me and my thoughts until I must give in. Amidst the darkness – a light – a fleeting thought. No. Stop. You mustn’t.

After sinning
I stop. I retreat. I hide. How could I give in? This is not my true nature. Time goes by. Guilt. Sorrow. Remorse. And then the thought, where would I be without God? I’d be stuck here! Oh God, help me. Save me. I am not vile. I give my life to thee. Save me from myself. Save me from this fallen state. Reflection.

“Awake! My soul. No longer droop in sin.”

“The Lord is my shepherd ~ I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his namesake!
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
- I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over!
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord.
Forever.”

“Why should I put my trust in the arm of the flesh or make flesh my arm?
I know in whom I put my trust.
Oh Lord, wilt thou encircle me in the robes of thy righteousness?
Wilt thou remove the stumbling block from before me and place a stumbling block before my enemy?
Thou art my rock and my everlasting God.”

Sunlight. A new day. Peace.
A beckoning, “Come unto me.”
Warmth. Forgiveness. Love.

Resolve
“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

My thoughts
I experienced this today. This experience is very enlightening. First, my weakness didn’t consume me – it didn’t defeat me. I didn’t hide from God even though I felt ashamed and disappointed. Second, an interesting thought came into my mind as I reflected, “I’m not vile – I’m divine. I’m a daughter of God.” I’ve never had so much faith. I cannot write 1/10 of what I feel – the words escape me. But the Lord is my shepherd.

Living My Life "Today"

"Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why it's called the present" what a clever saying and how true! It doesn't say this but today is the only time I can affect. What I do today becomes what I did when today is over, but it can't be changed-I already did it. All I can do is a different thing now.

For example, I was an unmarried, pregnant teenager. Many people judged and shunned me, and didn't show me love but disapproval. All they can do now is be nice and loving today. All I can do now is forgive them, hope they'll do better today, and not let it affect my life. What's done is done and I can either
hold a forever grudge or move on with my life. For me, the experience happened many years ago and doesn't affect my life today.

I heard a talk once where the guy said, "The best time to plant a tree is right now". I love that statement! If I didn't plant the tree before it doesn't matter because I can plant it now. Just because I didn't plant it back then doesn't mean I can't plant it. In my mind it's never too late to plant as long as the garden is still there.

Feeling Really Bothered, But Expressing Something Else

My Experience
I had this experience and wanted to share it because it truly makes a difference when I think before reacting rather than just reacting:

If every time I talk to someone and they put up a brick wall, I can either make a change or not and go crazy. RATIONAL MIND: CHANGE IS HARD. SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, BUT THEY HAVE TIME TO CHANGE. ITS GOOD TO VOICE MY OPINION BUT ALWAYS STRIVE TO GIVE OTHERS MERCY. ALWAYS STRIVE TO LOVE.

 

Some people put up brick walls and don't listen to me because they only listen to themselves. GIVE MERCY, GRACE, AND LOVE. LOVE THEM THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT EXPECTING THEM TO CHANGE.

 

I'm done talking to a brick wall that won't change. I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and lonely. IS THAT TRUE? AM I *REALLY* WILLING TO BE DIFFERENT OR AM I JUST SAYING THAT 'CUZ IM MAD?

 

It's a shame to not be friends but everyone's actions determine their choices. IT'S TRUE THAT EVERYONE CHOOSES. ITS ALSO TRUE THAT PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE CAN CHANGE THEIR MINDS.

 

I don't expect perfection, but I do expect respect. TO HAVE RESPECT I NEED TO GIVE RESPECT.

 

I won't be a doormat that faces a brick wall when they don't want to hear me. THAT'S CONDITIONAL - 'I'LL ONLY GIVE YOU MY LOVE IF YOU DESERVE IT'.

 

I have an opinion and it deserves to be heard. YES, THIS IS TRUE, AND IT WOULD BE HEARD IN A PERFECT WORLD...HOWEVER, I LIVE IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD AND DONT ALWAYS GET WHAT I DESERVE.

My Thoughts
Reacting is based on my words in lowercase. Acting after thinking is based on all my words. What a difference I see between the two. In this experience, I reacted then later apologized after I thought about it. I wish I wouldn't react but I'm working on my gut reactions and have hope that I can change. I know that I do things that bother people, too. I just hope they will be kind and forgiving and choose to see the best in me and not the worst.

This experience has taught me to give people a chance, to know that people aren't robots - sometimes they make me upset but I choose how to respond, and to know people are trying - they don't want to make me mad, they're my friend.

I want to be kind and loving and am working on being that way. I might not be kind and loving all the time but I'm willing to improve and want to change my ways. I'm not perfect, but I have hope that one day I will be.

 

Contentment (Happiness)

Recently, I heard someone talk about being content, and I appreciate their words. I haven't always felt the contentment that I feel now. I used to feel frustrated because I wished to have something that I didn't. I might have wished to live in another place, or to have another job, or for people to make the 'right' choices, or to earn more money, or to have different things. I thought, 'if only [something]' then I'd be happy.

Basically, I felt mad about what I didn't have, I didn't accept my life, and, frankly, I didn't want to. I wanted the thing I didn't have and I wouldn't be happy until I got it. I didn't know that accepting my life meant feeling happy about the things I did have, and being happy while trying to get what I wanted. Bottom line accepting my life meant counting my blessings, seeing the doughnut not the hole, and realizing that the cup was half full not half empty.

The speaker said there were two things that could make me unhappy: 1) Comparing myself to others, and 2) not forgiving. I see how those two things could hold me back from living my life, and keep me angry instead of happy. Hearing the speaker made me think of this:

First, when comparing myself to anyone else, I wish I had/did/could be what they have/do/are; I think,they're great and I suck. When they get a break, instead of feeling happy for them, I feel jealous. I truly believe this: They are my enemy and I hate them because I wish I was like them. (I would never admit that out loud, but in my heart it's how I feel.) When I only compare me to myself, I try to become improved. I don't hate myself or say, "I suck," but honestly tell myself the truth and strive to become better. I'm not perfect, sometimes I make mistakes, but as I learn from my mistakes I become improved. 

Second, when I don't forgive, it hurts me way more than it ever hurts them (if it even hurts them at all.) When I don't forgive them, I just replay the unfairness in my mind and feel justified in believing, "I'm right and you're wrong." If I would let the unfairness go, I would never think of it's sting and carry on with my life. Life isn't fair. After the unfairness blows over, I have a choice to make, will I 1) continue to be mad, or 2) let it go and be happy?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become bitter. I may feel justified, but every time I think about it, I'll get more mad. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the thing, but letting it go so that I'm free and not controlled. Forgiveness is truly for me not them; it is for my heart, not theirs. Nobody's perfect, somebody will eventually do something that hurts me. The question is, when they hurt me will I retaliate or mercifully let it go?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become arrogant. I will think of the unfair situation and wonder, 'How could they do that to ME?' I will tell myself that I won't forgive them unless they grovel at my feet and beg for mercy. I ask two things: 1) If the tables were turned, would I want to grovel? 2) If the tables were turned, wouldn't I want the other person to show me compassion? I hope I will be kind.

I believe what I heard about contentment, that unfair comparisons and non-forgiveness keeps me from feeling happy. I hope that I will -be happy for what others have, -only compare myself to me, -let unfairness go, and -be happy. I really loved hearing that talk.

Loving People

It's easy to love people who are nice but not so easy to love people who are mean. People's imperfections hurt when they affect me. Whatever people do gives me the opportunity to be how I want to be... loving. Having the knowledge that people might hurt me gives me the freedom to choose to be loving, kind, and merciful; all the things I want God to be toward me. Loving someone stops me from judging them. I think judging is the thing people do most. Jesus told us to do one thing and one thing only...to love people; he said that by doing this we showed our love to Him. I will add another attribute to the things I want in my character; namely mercy. I want to be loving, patient, kind, and merciful. (Really, I could just say loving because it encompasses the other three attributes, but specifically, I'll say that I want to have the other three attributes too.)

I used to have more judgmental thinking, and thought people needed to be a certain way. I am not that way today, and believe that people can be who they are. Recently, I told my son that I wanted my mom to come here. He mentioned that it sounded hypocritical because the things I had said about her for the past two years didn't match that I wanted her to visit me. I see his point. I had spoken badly of my mom and had felt mad about injustices in my youth. (Now, I look at those experiences and realize they are in the past.) Every kid experiences wrongs, because no parent is perfect. I had always thought of my childhood as happy, but when I wrote my book in 2011 it caused me to consider my childhood again. I looked at my childhood with adult eyes and saw a different perspective.

I held a grudge against my mom because I wouldn't have done some of the things she did; I judged her. Not only did I not like her, but I told other people (Per, Bryan and Andrew) about my childhood injustices and they didn't like her. I caused my family to judge her based on what I said. Today, in 2013, I want to let go of the grudge I've had in my heart for two years. I called my mom, we talked, and I told her how I felt. We resolved all the bad feelings we had. I love my mom, she's a good person; she parented the best way she knew. (Forgiveness has allowed me to see good things about her.) She's not perfect and neither am I. I will try my best not to judge her, so I can love her instead.

The scenario about my mom seems to relate to the story in the Book of Mormon about the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's; that they laid down their weapons of war for peace. If I relate the story of the Anti-Nephi-Lehi's to myself, I say, "I laid down my anger toward my mom to love her instead." Jesus said, "Inasmuch as ye do it unto the least of these[,] my brethren, ye do it unto me." (Matt 25:40) I added the comma after the word "these" because I consider myself one of Jesus' brethren when I show mercy to someone. I want to show Jesus that I love him, and the way I do that is by loving people.

A Loving Heart

The only way to have a loving heart is to realize that God will make things fair in the end. (This has nothing to do with the election but the unfairness of life.) This is an imperfect world and some people have bad behavior. Not thinking God will make it right causes bitterness and grudges when people are wronged. (In the end, the people who hurt us keep living their lives and the only people who get hurt are us - if we're bitter and hold grudges.) Being loving inspires others to also be loving. (How sad to inspire people to hate.) Letting things go and being merciful gives us freedom when we're affected by unfairness.

Show Kindness

Nobody's perfect and yet today's world expects perfection or a person gets smeared. Where's the forgiveness? Where's the mercy? Some lawyers tell people to get mad and not tolerate bad things, but when they do something wrong, they want mercy shown to them - don't they? I refuse to listen to people who tell me not to forgive; my lack of forgiveness will only make me bitter and angry.

I want to be someone who shocks people with my kindness. I like to do nice things for people and not only see happiness on their face but feel good inside. It's hard to forgive people who don't deserve it: especially when I feel mad and think it isn't fair! But when I let it go, it's over and can't fester within me. I don't want to be a part of the status quo of people who don't forgive. I choose to be nice because that's how I am.

Forgiving Injustice

Segregation and a lack of civil rights DID exist in the 1960's. Folk singers sang of injustices. Songs known as "spirituals" spoke about a better day. The world stopped using slaves but it took decades before light people called dark people simply...people.

Some dark people haven't dismissed the injustices done to their people (and maybe them.) Songs from the 60's and memories of wrongs cause people to not only say "that wasn't fair" but to want light people to suffer for the injustice. The feeling I get is this thought my people suffered, now you suffer.

Having this mentality causes at least two problems: 1) anger, 2) the people who suffered aren't elevated to inspirations but victims. When a person feels anger toward someone else, the anger stops them from being their true self. They are so encapsulated by their anger that they push out love and every other good feeling. They become enraged by their anger as they allow it to fester. They get a bitter heart because they simply won't let go of injustice.

Injustice inevitably happens in a world full of imperfect people. We can either choose to be angry or forgiving. Forgiveness doesn't mean thinking of the injustice as right, but letting go of the anger held in the heart. I've had injustice done to me. Not segregation but the thing hurt me just as deep. I ended up letting it go because I didn't want to be an angry, bitter person.

Addiction

We all need God's mercy - not just the addict. In a way we're all addicts. An addiction is something that is very hard (if not impossible) to quit. Some people are addicted to drugs, or cigarettes, or alcohol, or gambling, and it's easy to know a person does those things because we see them, but what about a person who has anger, or tells lies, or is encompassed by the desire to see pornography, or has a low self image, or is not able to wait?

Those unseen behaviors aren't considered addictions - we call them tendencies. Like "She tends to get mad," or "He tends to bend the truth," or "He tends to sit in secrecy and look at in appropriate things," or "She tends to be so hard on herself," or "He tends to be impatient."

We want to think we are better than the addict but we aren't. We may not smoke or drink, but we all have addictions to things that are hard or impossible to quit. When we get fed up with our behavior, we ask God to help us. He will if we sincerely want to quit. That's the problem, we want to quit but we don't.

Truthfully, most people have become used to their addiction and don't know what will happen when they give it up. They need to trust that their life will be okay and that they'll be able to live without it. Rationally speaking, they're not gonna curl up in a ball and die when they give it up. They need to believe that bad behavior will be replaced with good behavior. They need to know that they're strong and can handle more than they thought.

I hope they won't be like Smeagol in The Lord of the Rings who confronted Golum (his schitzophrenia.) Smeagol said "leave now and never come back" but when Golum left, Smeagol wanted him to come back. Smeagol wanted to have his friend even though Golum brought him down. Golum had been a part of Smeagol's life for so long and he didn't really want to give him up (even though it seemed nice.)

Once I heard a person say "we keep a summer cottage in Babylon." I think the speaker meant that we give up our addictions, but not completely. We give up most of our addiction but then visit it in the summer. If we keep doing that, eventually the addiction will return and we will end up not only having a summer cottage but also a house where it lives all the time.

All we can do is be willing to give it up. I think some things can't be eliminated without God's help. It would be unfortunate to avoid giving something up because of not understanding how God does it. I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does. I know that when we sincerely want His help, He gives it. Perhaps He removes the desire, or gives us knowledge, or strengthens us to be able to endure the burden, or all of the above.

Forgiveness and Letting Things Go

Forgiveness is a tough word. If I feel I can't forgive (because I was wronged and the thing can never be made right) I could at least let it go and have it stop affecting me.

When I think of forgiveness I think of having  "forgiven" only one person in my life. That situation was beyond my ability to fix. All I could think of was that God would make things right. Eventually, I was able to forgive the person (although they never asked for my forgiveness) and genuinely love them. If I hadn't forgiven them I would have felt their control in my mind and it would have affected me for as long as I let it.

I used to be controlled by unfair things and cry when I saw bad things happen to people. I saw them as injustices and wanted them corrected. They made me feel the control my own situation had over me. I felt sad.

My personal injustice could only be remedied by not letting the thing that controlled me do that any more. I let it go and didn't even hold a grudge. I felt happy. I took a stand and told the person I would no longer sweep their lies under the rug. It didn't stop them from being them but it allowed me to be me.

It's not true that I've only forgiven one time. I've let many things go and not allowed them to affect me. Life is full of unfair things but I believe that God will make things right.

I just watched my church's general conference and one of the speakers said that if you are contentious then Stop It! He was talking about siblings quarreling or fighting. He made me think about how I felt contentious about some things. He said that even if you feel you're right you should stop fighting. I thought about how I felt right about the things that made me mad and how even though I felt right I needed to stop feeling angry.

I realized that anger was like a spreading cancer and the only way to get rid of it was to eliminate it...to stop it...to let it go. I let my anger go and could see how bitter I'd become. I could see how my upset feelings had hurt other people and not just affected me.

I believe that forgiveness and letting things go is not for the other person but for me. The other person may not even think they did anything wrong. They will probably never ask me for forgiveness. They may never see my point but God will. He will be on my side and make things right. When I'm able to let unfair things go I live in the moment instead of the past. When I stand up to wrong things I don't allow them to control me. When I hold grudges and don't let things go, they fester, grow, and spread like cancer. I say let it go and be happy!