I decided to ride the cart the last time I went going grocery shopping. It started at Sam's Club when I knew that once I walked to the back of the store and again to the front I would be wiped out. So, I decided to ride the cart. It was so great! I was able to get everything on my list, the lady who checked me out was really nice and helpful, a guy helped me load everything in my car, and I wasn't wiped out in the end!
Last night I went shopping at another grocery store with a friend. I felt kind of self-conscious riding the "dumb" cart, but I knew I wouldn't be able to walk the store and feel good, so I caved. The cart died in the dairy section, and I'm glad my friend was with me because we just loaded all my stuff in her cart and walked to the front of the store to check out. She even ran to get some bananas for me -which were at the other end of the store!
When we got back to my house, we sat in the car and talked for a few minutes. One of the things I like about my friend is her optimism. She sees the best in people and situations. I really like that about her. For me, I think it comes down to trust. When someone says something nice, I don't automatically believe it - I don't want to get fooled. "She's just saying that to be nice" "She isn't really that nice", I think. I don't trust their motives and I don't trust myself.
I decided to believe it today, and to see the best in others and situations. I decided to trust.
I think about my life before MS and I'm grateful for these lessons now. If I hadn't gotten sick, I would still think like that. I would have those assumptions, and never look at them. I've had to do the hard thing and look at my beliefs. Even though it's hard to acknowledge my stinkin' thinkin', it's worth it because I think it makes me a better person.
I went to the Dr. today and he changed my medication from Copaxone to Tysabri, but...I have to be off of Copaxone for three months before I can switch to Tysabri. Yay, no more daily injections.
According to the MRI done in December, I have no new lesions on my brain, so I guess I'm not gonna die like I thought. He said I have a bad attitude. Well, he didn't actually say "you have a bad attitude" but that's what it comes down to...stinkin' thinkin'.
I need to realize that anything I've had for over six months is NOT going to get better. That's just the way it is. So this means basically good-bye to everything I did well "before" that I can no longer do. I need to embrace my "new self" and let the "old self" go. It's hard to do. It's hard to not get down on myself, or apologize for myself. It's hard to find value in myself. But I know that when I do, I'll be able to look at the future as bright.
My friend Donna said something to me today that really stuck. She said "one of your strengths is that you were already a very positive person and I think that has really helped you in dealing with this. Can you imagine if you were negative before what you'd be like now?" She's right and I appreciate that. I do feel that my positive attitude has helped me even though I may have some stinkin' thinkin' now. I know that it doesn't feel good to be negative, so I would rather be positive even though reality sucks a big fat hairy toe.
American Idol delivers. There was a 62 year old man who sang this for the auditions. One of the funniest, and true, things I've ever heard. I just became a fan of Larry Platt on FaceBook:
Pants on the ground Pants on the ground Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat Lookin' like a fool, walkin' to the town With your pants on the ground!
Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground Lookin' like a fool, walkin', talkin' with your pants on the ground! Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
Gold in your mouth, hat turned round Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat lookin' like a fool Talkin' with your pants on the ground!
Boom! Bam! Pants on the ground! Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
I am reading a book called MS and Your Feelings: Handling the Ups and Downs of Multiple Sclerosis by Allison Shadday. She is a therapist who also has MS. It has been good to identify my feelings. I feel more empowered.
I really like the section on Self-Esteem where, among other things, she talks about quieting your inner critic, realizing your strengths and passions, and giving of yourself.
Quieting your inner critic is not giving in to negative self-talk. I didn't realize that by apologizing for myself, and comparing my current abilities to what I "used" to be able to do, I was undermining who I am right now. By accepting who I am right now and not comparing myself to myself without MS I feel good and know that I have good things to offer.
I've known for a while that I relate well to people and I am a good listener. I have felt like I could be with people all day and it would be very fulfilling. I count that as a strength. I realize that I could volunteer to spend time with people and be their friend.
I also realize that I don't have to do big things to find joy. Joy can be found in little things as well. For example I can find joy in finding ways to do things so I'm not so tired, or I can find joy in enjoying a piece of music, or in seeing beauty in something.
Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to find joy in the little things. In retrospect, I wish I could enjoy them but I'm just to busy and don't take the time. Also, I feel better in finding joy in big things. (Somehow, the little things get diminished, like they aren't as good as the big things.)
I am glad that I had to slow down so I could feel good about the "little" things and enjoy life going on around me. I am glad that I don't need to beat myself up for slowing down and saying "I should do more."
I'm writing a book about my life. I never considered myself a *writer* but I do have at least 10 journals so I have a lot to say, right?
Thinking back over my life, first I remembered all the happy times. I was a happy kid. (Kids are resilient, they can handle a lot of pressure...at least I could.)
Then I looked at my life with adult eyes and thought, wow I really had a lot of experiences.
I think people like to talk and read about the fluff. Things that are feel-good, like Christmas and happy times. But how often are people willing to talk about the not so fluffy things in their lives? I believe that talking separates a victim from a non-victim. A non-victim is willing to acknowledge the truth with honesty.
I will be honest in my book because I have nothing to hide. Everything I say will be true and is a fact to me. I will also state solutions in my book. I don't want to just put my life out there with all the crap and stuff, because today my life is good. I want to write about how my life got good, and the journey of discovery it took to get there.
Okay, I'll be the first to admit I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL (when it's good). I've watched since the first season, although I didn't start watching the first season until it was almost over. I'm glad Kelly Clarkson won. I never did like Justin Guarini, but I did watch the movie with Justin and Kelly and thought it wasn't half bad.
The second season I wanted Clay Aiken to win. I liked Ruben's voice but thought Clay sang better. In the end, Clay Aiken became a bigger star or....idol. I'll amit, I have the first album Clay made and his Christmas album. When they had that Christmas special and Ruben was on there, I was like "I want to see Clay" I think everyone else thought so too.
Season three, I wanted Fantasia to win...and she did! I thought the "summertime" performance was really great, it was really believable. So were her tears (believable) and she was just so grateful to be there and doing this for her son....I was touched. So she won, and I hated her final performance. It was all gospel and she sounded like she was yelling, I didn't like it but I was glad she won. I think she went on to Broadway and did "The Color Purple" and did a good job. I know she wrote a book and I'm glad she is able to provide a better life for her son.
Season four, I mean come on...Carrie Underwood, he-llllllloooooo. But it was a tie for me between her and Bo Bice. Bo did some really great performances, and it was the first time a "rocker" was on the show. Carrie has truly become a star and I'm happy for her. I think this was the season that Kelly Clarkson came out with her Breakaway album, and it will forever remind me of Colette. I also liked Constantine's steamy looks into the camera and his singing. And Vonzelle, talk about a transformation. She went from being shy and unsure of herself, to singing well in the top three. I don't know how she walked in those heels, but I really liked HER.
Season five, I didn't like so much. I didn't like Taylor Hicks at all, I hated watching his twitches on TV and I hated his performances. I didn't like Kathryn McPhee either. She was too...trained, and yet she had no personality. She just didn't do it for me. I liked all the other contestants better. I was shocked, like all of America, when Chris Daughtry got voted off. But look where he is today. Kelly Pickler is too cute and not a bad singer either. Who didn't love Elliott Yamin's mom and want her to overcome her cancer? And Elliott sang well too, even though I'm not a fan of R&B. I would have rather one of those guys won, compared to Taylor Hicks.
The season six winner was one of my favorites. In fact I've watched her finale on YouTube, and it makes me cry every time. In fact, here it is, watch it for youself.
I loved her innocence and her voice! I especially liked her "I who have nothing" and "broken wing" performances. Here they are:
I just love her voice, and, yes, I do have the Jordin Sparks album. I liked Blake Lewis and thought his beatboxing was cool and I planned on buying his album when it came out, but I haven't. I thought it was great that Simon kissed Lakisha, but I couldn't stand to watch her sing. Melinda Doolittle had an amazing set of pipes but she was not a frontman, she sang background and you could tell she felt more comfortable there. I liked Sanjaya's performances. When that little girl cried, it was awesome. But, I'm glad Jordin won. She was the best!!!
Season seven, I didn't really care who won. I guess I wanted David Cook to win more, but I thought David Archuletta would win. To be honest, I don't really like either one of them. I'm not into rocker music, and David Archuletta's pop songs, are a little cheesy for me. I definately didn't want Scott McIntyre to win but I was glad that he made it to the final ten. I liked Brooke's songs and I could forgive her for starting over once, but the second time she did it on live TV, I lost all confidence in her. Everytime she performed, I was nervous that she would start over again.
Now we come to season eight. I wanted Adam Lambert to win. He clearly had a better voice than Kris Allen. I loved it when he sang "Ring of Fire" for country week. Randy Travis' wife was clearly not amused and Simon said "what the *bleep* was that?" it was great. I wanted to watch every week to see what he would do. When he sang tracks of my tears, I thought he was awesome. I bought every 0ne of his performances (that you could buy) on iTunes, both the studio and video recordings. And I was soooo bummed when he didn't win, but I have my theory on that. Here are some of Adam's performaces that I really liked:
Ring of Fire
Tracks of My Tears
Mad World
I will watch AI again this year but I'm not sure it will be as good as last year. I mean they had Queen and Kiss at the finale. No other final contestant has commanded that kind of performance. One thing I do appreciate is that they have really tamed down the lame people on the auditions. And really cut down on bleeping out the swearing, if not eliminated it completely.
I don't really like their new judge, Kara. I know she is supposed to know the idustry more, but for some reason I don't like her. Give me Paula Abdul even if some of the things she says are out there, at least she's nice. I think it's hillarious when she comments on how nice the contestant looks instead of coming out and saying their singing wasn't good. Ellen will be a good addition to the show. She is hillarious and I really like her.
Yes, I will watch American Idol in January. But I'm still Bummed that Adam lost.
I am so touched by these two productions by Mark Mabry. I truly think he was inspired to take the photos he did, and to put these projects together.I have faith in Jesus Christ and want to share these videos with you.
I just got an email about this and it really toched me. I had to share.
This has happened to me twice...in the car...while I was driving. The first time, was last year. Per, Andrew and I were coming back from Red Lobster and we were talking about something so funny that I had to hold my eyes open with my fingers to see and drive! I was like "I can't see-heeeeeeeee heeeeeeee" and it would make me laugh more and they would laugh, which would make me laugh! It was a never-ending laughing round!
The second time was a couple of weeks ago. Andrew and I were driving to Ricky's after going to Back Yard Burger. Pink Floyd's "Money" song was on the radio, and I decided I was going to dance with my arms like a go-go dancer. Well it didn't look like that and Andrew just looked at me like "what are you doing?" It made me laugh so hard. Again, I couldn't see and was wheezing and laughing at the same time!! It made him laugh..and, well, you get the picture!
I'm so glad we have these funny moments of laughter. It's something that keeps paying off everytime I think about it - I laugh!
Kris Belcher is my new favorite person and I just wanted to share her with you :)
I bought her book "Hard Times and Holy Places" and it was exactly what I needed to read. In fact, reading her story made me forget about my own trials for a second, and I realized it could be worse for me and I'm grateful it isn't. Her faith, as well as her humor have truly inspired me. I am going to see her at Time Out For Women in KC next month, and I'm so excited.
I believe politics and troubles going on in the world are distractions from what this life is really about - having faith in Christ - chosing to become like him, and recognizing, through feeling the promptings of the Holy Ghost, his will. If we don't recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost, Satan can lead away our hearts. We need to know how to recognize the promptings of the Holy Ghost to know when we are receiving personal revelation from God or being deceived by Satan.
Realizing that puts life into perspective for me. Sometimes I get caught up in the cares of the world when I need to remember the bigger picture - to have faith in God.
I just have to say how great Andrew is. He is growing up so fast! (He will be 16 in Nov). My baby will be gone before you know it.
He has loved skateboarding since he was about 5 and has been an artist since he was 3. He's been playing the trumpet since 5th grade and is so musical. Now he's teaching himself to play the piano. I'm really proud of him. He is awesome at rockband: I don't know how he makes his fingers move so quickly. And he has such good rhythm on the drums: it's amazing how he can play the bass with his foot when it has a totally different beat than the rest of the drums.
He's been making movies lately with his friends and uploading them on youtube under the name Unanimous Films. Now he'll be going to Olathe NW High School this year and doing a 21st Century eComm program that will teach him about film making and editing. The other day when I picked him up at the skatepark he said "why am I always the filmer? I want to skate, but noone films as good as me." I think this program is going to be right up his alley.
Of course Andrew wants to be a pro-skater first and we do what we can to support him. That means new skateboards when the current ones crack or break, new shoes when the old ones wear out from skating and rubbing against the grip tape, and taking him all around town to different skate parks. I hope his dream will payoff one day and he will get to do what he loves for the rest of his life.
What can I say about Bryan? I always told him he was "the greatest son a mom could ever have" and I still mean it. He's 23, and I'm learning how to have an adult child. It's kinda cool actually. He's lived in France for two years, Hawaii for 8 months, and now he's going to BYU in Provo, Utah. He's quite the world traveler.
I'm really proud of how hard Bryan works in school and how he tries hard to stay temple worthy and morally clean. It can be hard for a guy after he comes home from serving a mission in that a lot of guys fall off the moral bandwagon. I admire Bryan and his dilligence to do what is right. I know he will be blessed for it one day.
As you can see Bryan loves surfing. Actually, he loves any sport or physical activity (he got that from Per, certainly not from me!) He was a really great football player until he tore the ACL in his knee and ended his football playing career. He is also good at playing guitar and writing songs. His poetry is very well written, and he is very tender hearted. He cares a lot about people and is a loyal friend. He loves his family very much. Our family wouldn't be the same without him.
Per is my true love, my soulmate and my friend. I feel good when he's around and I like it when he's home. He's been working for CEM for 17 years and they finally appreciate him and the knowledge he has. I think they are just plain lucky to have him.
Per loves to be outside. He likes to work on the yard, or the cars and especially likes to work with his hands. His dream would be to have a workshop where he could do all the projects he has in his head. He loves electronics and you know it when you come over to our house. He built a home theatre system in our basement, wired our house for networking (but, now we have WiFi - go figure!) He'll say "who's been touching the sound?" when we watch a movie downstairs and fix the 5 point surround sound (that sounds fine to me.)
You may not know that Per is a really good cook. He has baked since we've been married starting with homemade scones with butter and cheese (jam for me.) Just about a month ago he taught himself how to make french bread. We have a Swedish dinner tradition at our home every Christmas where Per makes Swedish food including salt curing a ham for 3 weeks. It's the same dinner every year on Christmas eve, and I love it!
Per has many idiosyncracies and says some funny things. He's also the smartest person I know. He has a morality that is unflinching and is the rock of our family. One of the things that makes him great is that he loves his family very much. I always thought of him as a golden retriever: a trusty friend who stays by our side, our protector, and our best friend.
I thought about my family today and wanted to share how much I love them.
I read an excellent book yesterday called "Consider the Butterfly" by Carol Lynn Pearson. I remember reading her poems on the back of the Ensign in 7th grade, and my mom had her book "Beginnings" which was a collection of her poems. I came across this book (the butterfly one) years ago and it was no coincidence! It is about Syncronicity, the subtititle of the book says "transforming your life through meaningful coincidence" It's little stories of her experiences where she noticed coincidences in her life - very touching.
I gave the book away a few years ago to a young woman who I thought would really love it, but ever since then I've missed having a copy of my own. So I ordered one and I read the whole thing yesterday. Her words really touched me. It was like one those moments sitting in a big fluffy chair with a blanket wrapped around me and sighing - ahhhhhh - it felt so good.
I was looking on her website this morning because I wanted to get a copy of the book for my mom, I think she would really like it. As I was browsing her website, I clicked on the tab that said "telephone consultation" and read what it had to say. At the bottom there were three comments from people who really benefitted from talking to her. I thought-I don't feel like I need to have counseling, I don't feel like I need to talk to someone. My cup is full. I'm okay.
That was so huge for me! I started thinking how I've experienced healing of different things over the last 5 years, and how happy I am today. I don't need counseling, I've found what works for me and I've drawn closer to God, who is my biggest supporter! I just really appreciated realizing that.
One of my favorite quotes is "when the student is ready, the teacher appears" Isn't that so true? When we are ready to progress, somehow the thing we need appears before us. I have been a student and my teacher has appered several times in various ways. One of my teachers was this book. It reminded me of things I know are true. 1) everyone wants to be acknowledged. Once I was lonely and wanted to be heard. I'll never forget the day that I saw on my husband's face that he was really hearing me and it felt like we were meeting again for the very first time. It was healing. A space was created for the two of us to grow together.
2) the true voice speaks love. There are so many voices to listen to and I listened to negative ones for a long time. I remember the first time I prayed and really felt God's presence wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I felt so loved. I want to pay that forward in the way I speak to others. I learned once that there are two forms of honesty - negative and positive. There is an opposite to everything. It is up to me to speak love. Love creates. I want to create, not destroy.
Isn't that great?! I'm grateful for that book and the things that I learned. I'm okay, and it feels good!
I've never known much about this country's history, and I haven't really cared. I have never been interested in the news, or what's going on around the world, I've just wanted to live in my own little world. But lately things are changing in government that will affect me and my own little world, so I've wanted to know things for myself instead of relying on what my husband tells me.
I started watching some programs on TV and reading books, and it has really opened my eyes. I'll admit right now, I tend to be conservative, so of course the things I watch and read are going to reflect that. I like Glenn Beck on TV, and I bought a book that he highly recommended on his show 'liberal fascism'. I've enjoyed reading it, but the thing that strikes me most is "why don't more people know history?" It seems like history just repeats itsself, and since people don't know history they think (like I did) that people's ideas are new. But they really aren't. The ideas were thought of long ago, and since people don't know history, it's bound to be repeated (even though it wasn't good the first time.)
The words "liberal fascism" seem so harsh. Almost offensive. I like people, even ones not like me, and I like hearing everyone's opinion. But it seems to me that people have agendas these days. It's sad because I tend to question people's motives instead of just believing them, because most people these days have motives other than what they are saying. For instance, commercials on TV. At first a commercial may seem to care about me, but in reality they are just trying to sell a product or an idea, and they know how to tug at my heart strings so I'll buy or buy into it. It's all marketing. It's not 'real'. Reading books and knowing history, being informed, helps me to see the 'real' instead of just falling for what people say.
I went to Glenn Beck's "Common Sense Tour" when he came to Kansas City. He said a couple of things that really hit me. 1) Every person has a voice. Even common people like me. We get scared into thinking that we have to have some degree, or have the perfect vocabulary, or have a political background in order to speak up. But it's not true. Every person has a voice and can make a difference in our society. If we don't like how things are going in America then stand up and be heard instead of just complaining around the kitchen table. It's not going to help anyone or change anything to just complain to the TV or to my family at dinner time.
2) Reach out to others, reach across the isle, Democrat of Republican doesn't matter, we are all just people and probably have more in common that you would think. Talk about the issues you are concerned about, be people not parties. I like that because it's true. Everyone has a story and things they like or are concerned about. It just creates separation to stay within your 'group'. For example, me and my sister. I'm conservative she is more liberal, or in plain terms, a democrat. But we don't talk about politics, we just talk about life and we have a lot in common. I am open to hearing her views and she is open to hearing mine. Another friend of mine is a democrat too, but same thing, we are friends and think a lot alike. I would like to have more friends like that because it's real. We're just people.
Like I said, I'm getting informed and that is causing me to want to stand up and speak. I just hope that others not like me will want to hear what I have to say. We are all just people. We all have opinions, I wish we could respect one another and be better listeners and try to understand each other.
I was thinking about "The View" on TV and how much I don't like that show. And I was thinking "why don't I like it?" The answer is, because they are mean and in your face. They don't try to understand other people, they just say mean things to people who don't think like them. Same with Bill O'Reilly. He attacks people who don't say what he wants them to say. Why would I watch that? Why do others watch that? It just creates separation, a divison among people. It upsets people. It offends. It doesn't create a sense of safety where people can talk and respect each other. It is mean and unkind. People...stop watching shows like that! Let's start listening to each other. Can't we all just get along?
It's 4PM and I'm sitting at my computer, unshowered and still in my pj's. That's pretty daring to admit but it's true. Today I just want to vege, but that doesn't mean I haven't done anything. I slept in 'til 9, made pancakes for breakfast, read my scriptures, watched "so you think you can dance" which, by the way, I think is going to be amazing this year, watched Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor on the DVR (I like Glenn Beck better...O'Reilly is too 'in your face' for me and he attacks people who don't say what he wants them to say, Beck is a better 'listener'), welcomed my husband home from a business trip (he came home earlier than I thought he would!), talked to him about the book I've been reading (liberal fascism) wrote in my journal, tried to pay my mortgage but the website was down, looked online at rugs and a headboard for Andrew's room, ate some pizza that Per cooked for lunch, talked to a gal about a party Andrew's going to tomorrow, took a couple of telemarketer calls, and updated my blog.
Now I guess I'll go take a shower and finish my day, which includes washing Andrew's bedding, swapping the pillows on Per's side with the ones on the spare bed downstairs, and making dinner. We'll see who get's kicked off "so you think you can dance" tonight. I don't think I'm the only one who takes a day to vege.
I wrote this on 9/4/1997 after I had this conversation with my boss, Michelle.
You know you're a computer geek when someone says...
"Call SCT or ECC and see if you can FTP the APPC version of their VSE Cobol programs to SOL. Then call UCO and FTP the APPC-VSE programs to their RISC6000 (they don't have TCP/IP that's why they need APPC) for them to copy to their VSE."
So, Per and I were talking about my blog entry last night. He's so optimistic, I really appreciate his viewpoint. He said (after reading) "yeah, but you've had so many experiences and met so many people" He said the opposite happened to him, he grew up with the same people all his life, then when he moved away when he got older, he moved around and didn't know anyone. It's all perspective.
It's true. Life is how you look at it and after talking with him...I didn't feel like my childhood was pathetic because we moved so much...I saw it in a different light. How many people I've met, and experiences I've had. I have a lot of stories. So I'm not like the people on FaceBook. I wasn't like them then either, and that's okay. I wouldn't change it if I could do it all over again, because then I wouldn't have those life experiences in my memory.
I moved 35 times by the time I was 18 so I don't have what you would call childhood "roots". I usually started and finished a school year in two different schools and didn't have the same friends for very long. I'm okay with it now (even though I would cry as a child).
I have lived in Olathe for 15 years so I have roots as an adult, but the thought of childhood "roots" has recently come to mind as I see the discussions on FaceBook. Within the last six months, people I went to high school with are now on FaceBook and they are all sending each other (and me) friend requests. Now, some are posting pictures of school days and identifying each other and saying things like "who was our 1st grade teacher?"
I think all this is great, it's just that I can't contribute because my roots with them are from high school. I didn't go to elementary or junior high school, or church with them when I was a kid. We didn't grow up together. I'm not sad, I am just quiet. In the background, watching everyone's conversations back and forth. Kind of like when I was in high school...in the background...no roots.
This also reminds me of another friend who has recently posted some pics from university days. She has all these memories and experiences, and I can't relate because I never went to a university. It makes me think how fortunate my son is to be at a university making those memories and having experiences. Because I bet he will talk about it when he's 40 like me.
It makes me think of how important it is to have roots in life.
I just have to say how great Andrew is. He is growing up so fast! (He will be 16 in Nov). My baby will be gone before you know it.
