Mormon Messages: My New Life

This really touched me, especially the part where she said "...I am not my body..." How true.

Patience

I was talking to a friend today and said, "The thing I realize right now is how patient God is." She said, "I think patience is one of the things we are meant to learn in this life."

 

I know I can't understand God's perfect patience. I want to say, "I'm done" so often when I've forgiven people time and time again. But then I think of the story in the bible where Jesus got asked how many times a person needed to forgive and Jesus said, "Seventy times seven" or in other words, every time. THAT is patience. I'm glad God doesn't say, "I'm done" about me because I certainly make the same mistakes over and over again and he just continues to love me.

It makes me think of how mad I was at someone yesterday. I'm supposed to turn that hurt over to the Savior and continue to love that person even though they hurt me. That's hard to do because I wanted to say, "I'm done." I know that each time I turn my pain over to the Savior, He heals me and I progress spiritually.

I complained about this person to Per, to my Journal and to my Sister yesterday. I guess when I complain I'm wanting sympathy from the source to whom I complain. It's hard not to complain. It's hard not to seek that sympathy from others. I know that when I pray to God, He will have sympathy for me. I need to remember to turn to the right source and not seek approval from others. I have so far to go. I'm so far from perfection. I am learning, and maybe one day I'll actually 'do'.

Dear Uber-dude

Per always has a way to make me laugh. We say a prayer before every meal and sometimes he says "Dear Uber-dude." It makes us laugh then he says a 'nice' prayer. Thanks, honey, for your sense of humor. I don't think God minds.

Point of My Book

The book is called:

My Life as a Mother

With chapters including:

Introduction
Teen Mother
Single Mother
Married Mother
Mother of Two
Mother of a Rebellious Teen
Mother of a Missionary
Motherhood Now

I wanted to say how my life and events have been more calm since God has been part of my life.

I think it's interesting that I was a teen mother and that for me life has turned out good.

But I realize I didn't 'have' to become a mother. Being a single mom was hard for me too, but again, I chose to become a mom.

I'm glad that I married Per and that his perspective has brought a different point of view to my life. Now, I don't know what to say. Do I impart words of wisdom that I know now? Do I just tell the story (I think NO on this one) What is my point in writing this story? Is it to bring clarity to my mind of past events? Is it just a history for me and my family?

Some things I've learned:
- a parent needs to tell their child they have plans for their future, and have plans for their future, that way the child will make decisions for their future. There is no use in focusing on Now only.

- thinking "Figure it out. I had to, so you do it" about your child is dangerous. The child is counting on the parent to have figured it out and to help them, because they don't know. It's like saying to your 18 year old "buh-bye, have a nice life." The child doesn't want to be left alone to make their own decisions. Teaching life lessons occurs when parents teach adult children.

- having two children makes for a more disorganized life. You need to know what you would do because you will be tested to make the right choices.

- a parent needs to always love their child even when they are acting out. If a child can't turn to their parents for love, who can they turn to?

- a parent needs to let their child make their own choices, even if the child makes choices the parent wouldn't make.

- a parent needs to learn how to not judge their children. If a child feels judged by a parent, the child will feel resentment towards the parent like they don't accept them.

- a child doesn't have perspective because they've only lived according to what their parents think. Children need to get away from their parents so they can make decisions for themselves.

My Strengths

I am:

Patient - I've learned patience through sitting and waiting to find out was was wrong with me.

Loving - I have the capacity to love people.

Obedient - I want to do what is right. One time I was praying and the spirit whispered to me that I am obedient person. I've always known that and I was glad to hear it.

Believing in God and Jesus Christ - I believe in their words. I love the scriptures. I try to emulate what they say.

Spiritual - I love spiritual things and see life spiritually more than temporally. I see eternity not just this life.

Accepting - I believe everyone has their own pathway back to God. What's the rush? I believe in people's freedom and their right to choose what they want. God accepts me the way I am and he encourages me. He leads and guides me and doesn't give up on me. I appreciate that.

Funny - I have a sense of humor. I like jokes that don't make fun of others. I like to make my family and friends laugh.

I think it's important to remember my strengths.

My New Doctor

I have a new doctor - her name is Dr. Lynch. She works at KU and
see's only MS patients. I thought she would care more about me than my current doctor and I think I am right.

I went to see her yesterday afternoon and she was very thorough in her testing. One of the things I like about her is that she listens to me. I have been telling my current doctor since October last year that I thought I was getting worse. It started with subtle things that I noticed and progressed from there. He was sure it was all in my head and said I needed a better attitude. He said I have RRMS (relapsing remitting MS) and that's it...no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That's what he diagnosed me as having and it's what most people have. They get an 'attack' but then it goes away (into remission) for a period of time before coming back. Sometimes it can go away for years and you'd never know the person had MS unless they told you. Anyway...he would cut me off when I said things and I felt stupid when I saw him. I thought, if I have a cronic illness am I not supposed to like my doctor and not feel stupid when I talk to him? I thought, I'm not going to tolerate this, so I made an appointment to see Doctor Lynch. The earliest day I could get an appointment was three months away in April but I made the appointment and looked forward to it with anticipation.

She reviewed my MRIs and records from Dr. Arkin and said it was peculiar. She said I'm not the normal MS patient because my brain only shows lesions in the brain stem. She said my balance is worse than it should be for a person my age and then she said she thinks I might have PPMS (primary progressive MS) because my symptoms have just gotten worse over time and I have never gone into remission. She thinks I should get an MRI of my neck because usually people with PPMS have more lesions in their neck than their brain.

I was relieved to hear her mention PPMS because my other doctor would never entertain the idea but I have felt more like I have PPMS than RRMS. There is no treatment nor medication for PPMS and it is more rare. Only about 10% of people with MS have PPMS. She did say however that sterhoids might help alleviate my symptoms for a time. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow for a sterhoid treatment and to have her monitor me. She was surprised that I have never had sterhoids...I have to admit I am surprised myself since that's usually the first treatment a person has. She said sometimes the sterhoids make a persons blood sugar go high and if that's the case, she will keep me in the hospital for five days, to receive all the sterhoids, instead of just one day. She said people with PPMS usually do well with sterhoids for about three weeks, then it starts to wear off and they have to get a treatment about once a month.

She doesn't think Tysabri will work for me since it's more helpful for people with RRMS. I am relieved to hear this because I really don't want to take a chance in getting that very dangerous brain disease (PML) which could be a side-affect from taking the medication.

Why am I writing all this in my blog? 1)I don't want to explain it to everyone who cares about me. I can simply say "read my blog." 2)I am trying to acknowlege my new self and therefore am posting this to the world 3)For some reason, I feel better writing it all down.

I don't know how quickly this is going to progress but I feel like I need to have a good attitude. I've heard attitude makes all the difference in whether or not a person with a chronic disease does well, and I thought I should have a good attitude too. Not only will a good attitude help me but I think it will also bring comfort to my family. I plan on living a good happy life and I want everyone to know that. I am content.

I remember what a friend said to me one time in church. I said to her one day when I was feeling sorry for myself, I'm fatal. She looked at me and said "honey, we're all fatal" that makes me laugh because it's true! We're all fatal, so why not enjoy life now. I smile as I type this and look forward to enjoying my life.

Music

I got an email from DeseretBook.com recently that offered a free music download, so I went to their website and downloaded it. It's from the album Nearer called Nearer My God To Thee by Kyle Henderson. At first I didn't like the song, but the more I listened to it, the more I liked it...so I bought the album.

I really love the Reflections of Christ CD. I've never felt the spirit so much from listening to an entire album. Maybe it's because I've seen the Reflections of Christ exhibit and really liked it. Maybe it's just because I love the savior and I love reading about his life, and I love reading his words. I've never heard of some of these artists before and I like the way they sing. I gave away the CD to one of the missionaries in our ward and I really missed listening to it, so I bought it again.

Dallyn Vail Bayles is an awesome singer. He sings my favorite song Savior, Redeemer of My Soul the violin is exquisite. Both his albums are awesome. I love his voice.

I love music. I could just sit here all day and tell you what I love about each artist, but I guess it just comes down to my love for music. I love sitting at the piano, playing and singing. I feel love. I feel love when I listen to music.

Old Movies

The TCM channel declared Ginger Rogers as Star of the Month in March. They showed a bunch of her movies (without commercials) and I recorded them on my DVR. I've watched most of the recordings and have really enjoyed watching her acting. Most of the movies so far are from the 30's (before she and Fred Astaire became famous.) Credit goes to her for singing "were in the money" in Gold Diggers of 1933: a funny show. She acts well and it surprised me to learn how many movies she acted in before becoming famous. Some of the movies end suddenly or with an innuendo, but that's how producers made movies in the 30's.

Some of her movies that I liked are:
-Gold Diggers of 1933. (She didn't star in the show.) 
-Bachelor Mother. (Because of how the guy fell in love with her.)
-Stage Door. (The movie announcer on TCM said Katherine Hepburn didn't like Ginger Rogers. Warner Brothers considered then BOTH leading ladies because Ginger Rogers brought in money with her movies and Katherine Hepburn had prestige. The TCM movie announcer quoted Katherine Hepburn as saying "Ginger Rogers brought Fred Astaire some sex appeal and he brought her some class." Ouch - I can tell Hepburn didn't like Rogers.)

I'll admit, I like all of the movies so far. Each of them has something that I like. Sometimes the leading man is good looking (Suicide Fleet.) Other times, the story appeals to me. Most of all, I like her. ("You've Said a Mouthful" didn't strike me as funny. Not because of her but because of Joe Holt. He bugged me so I turned the movie off.)

Her movies (that I've seen) are:
Gold Diggers of 1933
You Said a Mouthful (didn't like)
Suicide Fleet
Stage Door (with Katherine Hepburn)
Bachelor Mother
Finishing School
Chance at Heaven
Vivacious Lady (with Jimmy Stewart)
Having Wonderful Time
5th Avenue Girl
Upperworld
Romance in Manhattan

I recommend watching any of these movies (except for "You Said a Mouthful".) I enjoy watching these old movies and now know that Ginger Rogers is one of my favorites.

Clearing my Clutter

My friend is here -right now- cleaning my house. She comes every Wednesday because she wants to. I am humbled. I am horrified at what a bad housekeeper I am! I am thankful to her for doing what I cannot do. She says "you'd help someone else if they needed it, wouldn't you?" I would. "So" she says "I want to help you". Words cannot express the kind of gratitude I feel. I am humbled that friends want to come over and help me, and that they are so willing to help. At first I wanted to hide my weaknesses but I know that friends want to show they care, they want to help, so I let them. It helps them, and it helps me.

I want to be strong and take care of myself. But I think it takes strength to let people help me. To let people into my world. Part of me feels like I'm nothing special, why help me? But to my friends I am special, I am loved. They are my friends because they like me, I am important to them. Me. Not what I do, not what I wear, not how much money I have. They are my friends because they like me. I know this because external things can be taken away but I'm always myself and they continue to be my friend.

I am fragile. I feel like a bird with a broken wing. I need my friends to be there for me, to love me because I've lost a lot and I'm sad. They don't judge me or say "snap out of it". They just spend time with me and I feel whole.

It's easier to be on the giving end because you can be unnoticed and in the background. But when you're on the receiving end it's sort of like you're in the limelight. All eyes are directed at you. All help is being directed at you. It can be uncomfortable if you're a giver not a receiver. But someone has to receive, right? So I'll let it be me. (I need the help anyway.) I hope everyone allows themselves to be a receiver because it's when we receive that we feel another's love.

Thank you for clearing my clutter, my friend. You are helping me more than you know.

Prayer

I have been thinking a lot about this journal entry and how much

it touched me to write it and how much it touches me now. I

wanted to share it with you today:

February 1, 2008

Why do I cry or shed tears when I pray?

Because I believe that Heavenly Father's promises are true.

I believe in Jesus Christ and that He's my Savior.

That through faith in Him - He changes my heart.

I know that.

But I cry because the things I pray for,

I hope for,

I want so much,

and I believe they are righteous desires,

and I know the Lord will bless us with the desires of our hearts,

if we ask in faith.

and it fills my soul with happiness,

and I cry.

I cry in gratitude to my Savior.

I thank him that he provided a way to cleanse me from my sins,

and that I may become pure and sanctified.

I cry in gratitude for the promises Heavenly Father made,

that if we keep His commandments,
and do all He asks of us,

and endure to the end (have faith to the end),

we will have eternal life.

We can have the fruit of the tree that is sweeter than sweet,

and whiter than white,

and more precious than any gift,

and I look forward to that day,

with hope and steadfastness in Christ,

to enjoy those blessings with my husband and my family,

and it fills my soul with joy when I pray for these things,

and my cup runneth over,

and I cry in gratitude.

Trust, Optimism and Carts

I decided to ride the cart the last time I went going grocery shopping. It started at Sam's Club when I knew that once I walked to the back of the store and again to the front I would be wiped out. So, I decided to ride the cart. It was so great! I was able to get everything on my list, the lady who checked me out was really nice and helpful, a guy helped me load everything in my car, and I wasn't wiped out in the end!

Last night I went shopping at another grocery store with a friend. I felt kind of self-conscious riding the "dumb" cart, but I knew I wouldn't be able to walk the store and feel good, so I caved. The cart died in the dairy section, and I'm glad my friend was with me because we just loaded all my stuff in her cart and walked to the front of the store to check out. She even ran to get some bananas for me -which were at the other end of the store!

When we got back to my house, we sat in the car and talked for a few minutes. One of the things I like about my friend is her optimism. She sees the best in people and situations. I really like that about her. For me, I think it comes down to trust. When someone says something nice, I don't automatically believe it - I don't want to get fooled. "She's just saying that to be nice" "She isn't really that nice", I think. I don't trust their motives and I don't trust myself.

I decided to believe it today, and to see the best in others and situations. I decided to trust.

I think about my life before MS and I'm grateful for these lessons now. If I hadn't gotten sick, I would still think like that. I would have those assumptions, and never look at them. I've had to do the hard thing and look at my beliefs. Even though it's hard to acknowledge my stinkin' thinkin', it's worth it because I think it makes me a better person.

No New Lesions

I went to the Dr. today and he changed my medication from Copaxone to Tysabri, but...I have to be off of Copaxone for three months before I can switch to Tysabri. Yay, no more daily injections.

According to the MRI done in December, I have no new lesions on my brain, so I guess I'm not gonna die like I thought. He said I have a bad attitude. Well, he didn't actually say "you have a bad attitude" but that's what it comes down to...stinkin' thinkin'.

I need to realize that anything I've had for over six months is NOT going to get better. That's just the way it is. So this means basically good-bye to everything I did well "before" that I can no longer do. I need to embrace my "new self" and let the "old self" go. It's hard to do. It's hard to not get down on myself, or apologize for myself. It's hard to find value in myself. But I know that when I do, I'll be able to look at the future as bright.

My friend Donna said something to me today that really stuck. She said "one of your strengths is that you were already a very positive person and I think that has really helped you in dealing with this. Can you imagine if you were negative before what you'd be like now?" She's right and I appreciate that. I do feel that my positive attitude has helped me even though I may have some stinkin' thinkin' now. I know that it doesn't feel good to be negative, so I would rather be positive even though reality sucks a big fat hairy toe.

Pants on the Ground

American Idol delivers. There was a 62 year old man who sang this for the auditions. One of the funniest, and true, things I've ever heard. I just became a fan of Larry Platt on FaceBook:

Pants on the ground
Pants on the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat
Lookin' like a fool, walkin' to the town
With your pants on the ground!

Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground
Lookin' like a fool, walkin', talkin' with your pants on the ground!
Give it up! Hey, get your pants off the ground
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground

Gold in your mouth, hat turned round
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat lookin' like a fool
Talkin' with your pants on the ground!

Boom! Bam! Pants on the ground!
Lookin' like a fool with your pants on the ground
With the gold in your mouth, hat turned sideways
Pants hit the ground, call yourself a cool cat

Realizing My Strengths

I am reading a book called MS and Your Feelings: Handling the Ups and Downs of Multiple Sclerosis by Allison Shadday. She is a therapist who also has MS. It has been good to identify my feelings. I feel more empowered.

I really like the section on Self-Esteem where, among other things, she talks about quieting your inner critic, realizing your strengths and passions, and giving of yourself.

Quieting your inner critic is not giving in to negative self-talk. I didn't realize that by apologizing for myself, and comparing my current abilities to what I "used" to be able to do, I was undermining who I am right now. By accepting who I am right now and not comparing myself to myself without MS I feel good and know that I have good things to offer.

I've known for a while that I relate well to people and I am a good listener. I have felt like I could be with people all day and it would be very fulfilling. I count that as a strength. I realize that I could volunteer to spend time with people and be their friend.

I also realize that I don't have to do big things to find joy. Joy can be found in little things as well. For example I can find joy in finding ways to do things so I'm not so tired, or I can find joy in enjoying a piece of music, or in seeing beauty in something.

Sometimes I get so busy that I forget to find joy in the little things. In retrospect, I wish I could enjoy them but I'm just to busy and don't take the time. Also, I feel better in finding joy in big things. (Somehow, the little things get diminished, like they aren't as good as the big things.)

I am glad that I had to slow down so I could feel good about the "little" things and enjoy life going on around me. I am glad that I don't need to beat myself up for slowing down and saying "I should do more."

Merry Christmas 2009

We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

My Book

I'm writing a book about my life. I never considered myself a *writer* but I do have at least 10 journals so I have a lot to say, right?

Thinking back over my life, first I remembered all the happy times. I was a happy kid. (Kids are resilient, they can handle a lot of pressure...at least I could.)

Then I looked at my life with adult eyes and thought, wow I really had a lot of experiences.

I think people like to talk and read about the fluff. Things that are feel-good, like Christmas and happy times. But how often are people willing to talk about the not so fluffy things in their lives? I believe that talking separates a victim from a non-victim. A non-victim is willing to acknowledge the truth with honesty.

I will be honest in my book because I have nothing to hide. Everything I say will be true and is a fact to me.  I will also state solutions in my book. I don't want to just put my life out there with all the crap and stuff, because today my life is good. I want to write about how my life got good, and the journey of discovery it took to get there.

American Idol

Okay, I'll be the first to admit I LOVE AMERICAN IDOL (when it's good). I've watched since the first season, although I didn't start watching the first season until it was almost over. I'm glad Kelly Clarkson won. I never did like Justin Guarini, but I did watch the movie with Justin and Kelly and thought it wasn't half bad.

The second season I wanted Clay Aiken to win. I liked Ruben's voice but thought Clay sang better. In the end, Clay Aiken became a bigger star or....idol. I'll amit, I have the first album Clay made and his Christmas album. When they had that Christmas special and Ruben was on there, I was like "I want to see Clay" I think everyone else thought so too.

Season three, I wanted Fantasia to win...and she did! I thought the "summertime" performance was really great, it was really believable. So were her tears (believable) and she was just so grateful to be there and doing this for her son....I was touched. So she won, and I hated her final performance. It was all gospel and she sounded like she was yelling, I didn't like it but I was glad she won. I think she went on to Broadway and did "The Color Purple" and did a good job. I know she wrote a book and I'm glad she is able to provide a better life for her son.

Season four, I mean come on...Carrie Underwood, he-llllllloooooo. But it was a tie for me between her and Bo Bice. Bo did some really great performances, and it was the first time a "rocker" was on the show. Carrie has truly become a star and I'm happy for her. I think this was the season that Kelly Clarkson came out with her Breakaway album, and it will forever remind me of Colette. I also liked Constantine's steamy looks into the camera and his singing. And Vonzelle, talk about a transformation. She went from being shy and unsure of herself, to singing well in the top three. I don't know how she walked in those heels, but I really liked HER.

Season five, I didn't like so much. I didn't like Taylor Hicks at all, I hated watching his twitches on TV and I hated his performances. I didn't like Kathryn McPhee either. She was too...trained, and yet she had no personality. She just didn't do it for me. I liked all the other contestants better. I was shocked, like all of America, when Chris Daughtry got voted off. But look where he is today. Kelly Pickler is too cute and not a bad singer either. Who didn't love Elliott Yamin's mom and want her to overcome her cancer? And Elliott sang well too, even though I'm not a fan of R&B. I would have rather one of those guys won, compared to Taylor Hicks.

The season six winner was one of my favorites. In fact I've watched her finale on YouTube, and it makes me cry every time. In fact, here it is, watch it for youself.


I loved her innocence and her voice! I especially liked her "I who have nothing" and "broken wing" performances. Here they are:





I just love her voice, and, yes, I do have the Jordin Sparks album. I liked Blake Lewis and thought his beatboxing was cool and I planned on buying his album when it came out, but I haven't. I thought it was great that Simon kissed Lakisha, but I couldn't stand to watch her sing. Melinda Doolittle had an amazing set of pipes but she was not a frontman, she sang background and you could tell she felt more comfortable there. I liked Sanjaya's performances. When that little girl cried, it was awesome. But, I'm glad Jordin won. She was the best!!!

Season seven, I didn't really care who won. I guess I wanted David Cook to win more, but I thought David Archuletta would win. To be honest, I don't really like either one of them. I'm not into rocker music, and David Archuletta's pop songs, are a little cheesy for me. I definately didn't want Scott McIntyre to win but I was glad that he made it to the final ten. I liked Brooke's songs and I could forgive her for starting over once, but the second time she did it on live TV, I lost all confidence in her. Everytime she performed, I was nervous that she would start over again.

Now we come to season eight. I wanted Adam Lambert to win. He clearly had a better voice than Kris Allen. I loved it when he sang "Ring of Fire" for country week. Randy Travis' wife was clearly not amused and Simon said "what the *bleep* was that?" it was great. I wanted to watch every week to see what he would do. When he sang tracks of my tears, I thought he was awesome. I bought every 0ne of his performances (that you could buy) on iTunes, both the studio and video recordings. And I was soooo bummed when he didn't win, but I have my theory on that. Here are some of Adam's performaces that I really liked:


Ring of Fire


Tracks of My Tears


Mad World

I will watch AI again this year but I'm not sure it will be as good as last year. I mean they had Queen and Kiss at the finale. No other final contestant has commanded that kind of performance. One thing I do appreciate is that they have really tamed down the lame people on the auditions. And really cut down on bleeping out the swearing, if not eliminated it completely.

I don't really like their new judge, Kara. I know she is supposed to know the idustry more, but for some reason I don't like her. Give me Paula Abdul even if some of the things she says are out there, at least she's nice. I think it's hillarious when she comments on how nice the contestant looks instead of coming out and saying their singing wasn't good. Ellen will be a good addition to the show. She is hillarious and I really like her.

Yes, I will watch American Idol in January. But I'm still Bummed that Adam lost.

Singing Monks

I thought you'd like a laugh today. This is Hillarious!!

Reflections of Christ

I am so touched by these two productions by Mark Mabry. I truly think he was inspired to take the photos he did, and to put these projects together.I have faith in Jesus Christ and want to share these videos with you.



I just got an email about this and it really toched me. I had to share.

Laughter is good for the soul

Have you ever laughed so hard you couldn't see?

This has happened to me twice...in the car...while I was driving. The first time, was last year. Per, Andrew and I were coming back from Red Lobster and we were talking about something so funny that I had to hold my eyes open with my fingers to see and drive! I was like "I can't see-heeeeeeeee heeeeeeee" and it would make me laugh more and they would laugh, which would make me laugh! It was a never-ending laughing round!

The second time was a couple of weeks ago. Andrew and I were driving to Ricky's after going to Back Yard Burger. Pink Floyd's "Money" song was on the radio, and I decided I was going to dance with my arms like a go-go dancer. Well it didn't look like that and Andrew just looked at me like "what are you doing?" It made me laugh so hard. Again, I couldn't see and was wheezing and laughing at the same time!! It made him laugh..and, well, you get the picture!

I'm so glad we have these funny moments of laughter. It's something that keeps paying off everytime I think about it - I laugh!