Journal Writing Has Blessed My Life

Journal writing has been in my life since ten years old (35 years!) I was given my first journal from a girl named Tammy, who lived with our family. I believe she felt prompted to give me the journal and it was a tender mercy from the Lord. He knew my heart and that I would need a way to express myself. My journal has been my 'listening friend' for many years. Clarity comes to my mind when writing my thoughts and feelings.

I have 23 journals now and one is digital and includes six years. My past journals tell me different times in my life. They document history as well as say, "I existed." They include some of my hopes and dreams in words and sometimes pictures. They also include things important to me at the time. Journal's can be anything from books to notepads. Basically, a physical journal is a group of paper and an online journal is program that keeps the things you saved.

Keeping a journal is an individual thing. Some people use it as a diary (I went here, then there...) and some people use it to record their thoughts and feelings. Truly, I believe there's no correct way to keep a journal the only guideline I can give is, 'have one'.

Being In Charge of My Life

These are ways I want to be: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest. I want to be these things and it means being that way at all times; even when I don't want to. Sometimes people rub me the wrong way and my first instinct is anger and to get mad. But is anger anywhere on my list? No. I need to rise above my anger and desire to get mad to be who I want to be.

Mastering my emotions is doing just that, it's rising above the feelings that aren't "me" to being what is "me". What other people say and do is a reflection of them, not me. What they say or do causes feelings in me because it affects my ego. When I say "rise above my feelings" I could say "rise above my ego". I can rise above the feelings that aren't me by not letting my feelings be in control and dictate what I say and do but by me controlling them.

The only feeling that really matters is love. Everyone wants love and everyone wants kindness. Nothing matters except that I love. If someone doesn't hear/see/feel my love, again that's them and doesn't mean I didn't give it. All I can do is be who I want to be and not let my feelings and emotions run the show.

Wanting to Act Not React

Kindness

Sometimes my gut reaction is to burst in anger and say mean things. I don't want to do that ... ever! I really want to be in charge of myself at all times, and choose at all times how to act. I don't want to sometimes react with instinct but instead want to choose what to do.

Yesterday (while sitting in my living room chair) I had the impression that honesty diffused anger. I thought about the idea, and in my mind saw how when I said my feelings they wouldn't get bottled up and cause me to eventually explode.

I don't want to explode yet I want to say how I feel. I never control people's actions. It wouldn't be right to expect them to do what I wanted because they could make up their own minds. Sometimes people don't do what I want but the nice thing is to accept how it is and be nice anyway.

I totally believe that I control how I act. Sometimes I might feel to lash out, but at those times I need to suppress my instinct and instead be nice. I'm not an animal that only acts on instinct, I'm a human that chooses how to act. (I truly believe that if I don't give in to my instincts, those feelings will eventually go away.)

I'm thankful for my journal where I can express my feelings. When I'm mad I need to write down how I feel and not hurt anyone.

Healing My Heart

I must still be in Sunday mode because today I realize how much the atonement of Christ helps me. When I feel mad, that it's not fair, and like my heart is breaking, I know I can turn to my Savior and not only will he comfort me but He will cause me to feel peace.

My heart didn't feel good today. I thought, 'how can I blog when I feel terrible?' I read my last two blog entries and something in my mind said to rely on the atonement. I gave my terrible feeling to Him and believe that He made my heart feel peace.

This is a fallen world where life isn't fair and people aren't perfect. Sometimes situations or people hurt me, but I truly believe that not only does God watch over me (and not from a distance) but that He heals my heart.

Choosing Love over Hate

This morning, I heard an audio clip of the leader of the black panthers going on about how much he hates white people. He even called them crackers. It seems like freedom of speech is alive and well on the radio but if a child expresses their opinion in the classroom (also free speech) then it's slander if the teacher disagrees. Why is it OK for one person to speak their mind but not OK for someone else? One's opinion is never wrong - it's how they feel or what they think. To not allow certain opinions seems hypocritical to me.

As I heard the black panthers leader talk I thought give me a break, black people haven't been the only one's oppressed. I also thought just because a person has white skin, doesn't mean they're white. My dad had very dark skin. So much so that when he served in the Navy in the 1960's, when segregation still existed, an officer told him he couldn't use the white man's restroom because of the darkness of his skin. Segregation didn't exist only against the black person...but against anyone of color. I have white skin because I have some European heritage, but I also have some Hawaiian heritage. Am I a cracker just because my skin is more light than dark? Isn't judging me based on the color of my skin segregation? I find it ironic that a person who speaks against segregation seems to be doing that very thing.

I agree that oppression is wrong. I believe that no one should be forced to do anything. But I don't agree with being hateful because wrong things are done. We live in an imperfect world where inevitably wrong things happen. But we are free to choose how we will react. It comes down to whether we have hate or love in our hearts. The leader of the black panthers said hateful things. I could be hateful and bitter because injustices have been done to me and those I love, but I choose to be loving because that's the kind of character I want to have. My feelings get hurt but I'd rather forgive than hold a grudge.

I read somewhere that a person who holds on to anger is more susceptible to cancer. That makes sense to me because vile thoughts spread through the mind. Perhaps they also spread throughout the body and cause dis-ease when they are allowed to fester.