Journal Writing Has Blessed My Life

Journal writing has been in my life since ten years old (35 years!) I was given my first journal from a girl named Tammy, who lived with our family. I believe she felt prompted to give me the journal and it was a tender mercy from the Lord. He knew my heart and that I would need a way to express myself. My journal has been my 'listening friend' for many years. Clarity comes to my mind when writing my thoughts and feelings.

I have 23 journals now and one is digital and includes six years. My past journals tell me different times in my life. They document history as well as say, "I existed." They include some of my hopes and dreams in words and sometimes pictures. They also include things important to me at the time. Journal's can be anything from books to notepads. Basically, a physical journal is a group of paper and an online journal is program that keeps the things you saved.

Keeping a journal is an individual thing. Some people use it as a diary (I went here, then there...) and some people use it to record their thoughts and feelings. Truly, I believe there's no correct way to keep a journal the only guideline I can give is, 'have one'.

Turning to the Best Source

I believe that at some point everyone pleads "help me" to God. We'd like to think we have life under control and don't need his help, but perhaps when we're all alone or in our mind sometimes we pray to him to help us. We might think we're better than the person who's addiction we can see, but everyone struggles with something. At some point everyone needs their loving Heavenly Father to help them. He helps us but is it recognized?

Yesterday morning a negative thought and feeling reminded me that I'm a failure because I'm not perfect. I felt like crap. I took a shower and still felt bad then certain words to a primary song repeated in my mind: "Through a still small voice the spirit speaks to me...listen, listen to the still small voice". Two voices in my mind. I focused on good things and ended up feeling good. Another thought in my mind said to think only good things. I thought about how from childhood to now the church had been a huge influence in my life and had always been inspiring. Soon I felt good

I believe he helped me but I had the choice of which thought to listen to. (It's like a little devil sat on one of my shoulders and whispered bad things in my ear, and a little angel sat on my other shoulder and whispered good things in my ear but I had to choose which one I'd listen to.)

I truly think that if I don't focus on negative feelings they will go away. (It's like focusing on what I want not what I don't want.) When I'm on my way to overcoming something but then relapse I might think I'm a failure because I gave in; I suck; I can't do it so why even try; I'm weak, and let those negative thoughts become more negative thoughts. I could keep lying to myself and telling myself things that make me feel bad, or I could tell myself the truth and hope for good things like I'm not a failure just because I gave in; I'm not perfect but I'm trying to overcome this and I won't give up; I'm good; I'm strong.

Some things are really hard to overcome but I can do it and I won't quit trying. I know that God helps me - he loves me, he wants the best for me - just like a parent loves their child simply because they exist. I feel sad when I give in to things I'm trying to overcome, but I know that I'm not overcoming it alone because He helps me.

My Last Handwritten Journal

I came across the last journal I ever hand wrote (from Oct 6, 2009 to March 21, 2010). It's not very long so I decided to transcribe it to MSWord. (Also, the typed words are easier to read.) During this journal is when I decided to write online. I stopped writing for months in 2010 (because I hated my handwriting), but eventually I decided to write online because I missed the therapeutic force I felt from writing in my journal.

I thought I missed hand writing but it turns out that I missed expressing myself. There are many ways to write and I learned that writing online meant just as much to me as writing with a pen. Yes, I miss my handwriting but I'm grateful that I can still write even though I no longer hand write.

Maybe my handwriting wasn't supposed to last for my entire life. I was happy with hand writing in my journal because I'd done it for years, but I have to say that now that I've written online for years, I like writing electronically so much better. Why? Because I can backspace a word and say what I truly mean (nothing is ever set in stone), because I can go back and edit technical flaws (editing is never done!), and because I can write either from my computer or from my iPad (I don't have to be in a certain place).

Like I said before, sometimes I miss my nice handwriting but life evolves and we progress. I'm just glad that I can say what's on my mind.

How I Think

I love this story:

One evening, an elderly Cherokee brave told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, "My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith." The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf wins?" The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one that you feed".

I believe with every fiber of my being that the way I think is my choice and that what I think determines how I feel. Perhaps some people believe that I only have happy thoughts and feelings because I only post happy or positive things. That's not true! I have negative thoughts and feelings but I refuse to dwell on them and have them ruin my day. I'm in control and if I have an unhappy thought, I think about something good until I feel happy.

I can't control the thoughts that enter my mind, but I can control whether or not they stay. When I feel sad, I pamper myself and do things that make me eventually feel happy. (For example: I might watch my favorite movie, or listen to good music, or talk to a friend about something uplifting, or read an inspiring book.) It's up to me to make my day what it will be. I don't want to have a sad day so why would I dwell on sad things?

The Truth About My Body

I took a shower today and, unfortunately for me, the mirror in my bathroom is huge and directly across from the shower. (I get to look at myself every time I'm in the shower...and I never do!) Today I thought, I wish I had a different body. You know me...I ponder, and that's exactly what I did after my shower.

• I thought about how for many years I hated my body and, honestly, myself.
• I thought about how the 'skinny' girls on TV, in commercials, in movies, in magazines, and in person caused me to hate myself every time I looked at them.

Being the religious person I am: 

• I thought about how if my child hated themselves because they wished for a different body I'd be sad because I loved them and wanted them to be happy, and that's probably how Heavenly Father felt about me.
• I thought about who wanted me to hate myself and my body because he intended to hurt me, and because he never got born and didn't have a body.

Then:

• I thought about how wonderful it was for me to have a body and mind that helped me be a great person.
• I thought, So what if my body isn't the one I want. I can be a great person no matter the kind of body I have. 
• Lastly, I thought about all the ways I could be a great person.

It's a lie made up by Satan that if I'm not the 'right' shape I need to feel ashamed and be that shape. The truth is that all kinds of body types exist and honestly how I look doesn't matter, but who I am. The idea that I have to be a certain body type distracts me from working on important things like aspects of my character.

Choosing Love over Hate

This morning, I heard an audio clip of the leader of the black panthers going on about how much he hates white people. He even called them crackers. It seems like freedom of speech is alive and well on the radio but if a child expresses their opinion in the classroom (also free speech) then it's slander if the teacher disagrees. Why is it OK for one person to speak their mind but not OK for someone else? One's opinion is never wrong - it's how they feel or what they think. To not allow certain opinions seems hypocritical to me.

As I heard the black panthers leader talk I thought give me a break, black people haven't been the only one's oppressed. I also thought just because a person has white skin, doesn't mean they're white. My dad had very dark skin. So much so that when he served in the Navy in the 1960's, when segregation still existed, an officer told him he couldn't use the white man's restroom because of the darkness of his skin. Segregation didn't exist only against the black person...but against anyone of color. I have white skin because I have some European heritage, but I also have some Hawaiian heritage. Am I a cracker just because my skin is more light than dark? Isn't judging me based on the color of my skin segregation? I find it ironic that a person who speaks against segregation seems to be doing that very thing.

I agree that oppression is wrong. I believe that no one should be forced to do anything. But I don't agree with being hateful because wrong things are done. We live in an imperfect world where inevitably wrong things happen. But we are free to choose how we will react. It comes down to whether we have hate or love in our hearts. The leader of the black panthers said hateful things. I could be hateful and bitter because injustices have been done to me and those I love, but I choose to be loving because that's the kind of character I want to have. My feelings get hurt but I'd rather forgive than hold a grudge.

I read somewhere that a person who holds on to anger is more susceptible to cancer. That makes sense to me because vile thoughts spread through the mind. Perhaps they also spread throughout the body and cause dis-ease when they are allowed to fester.