Kindness Begins with Me

A person can never be too kind, I truly believe that. It's easy to be kind to a nice person, but it takes effort to be kind to some people. Some people are rude, unloving, mean or disrespectful but that's how they are ... I'm kind to everyone. Call me 'Pollyanna' - a girl who's always nice - but what's the alternative? Being mean to some people, no thank you! I want to develop my personality into the things I want to be ... and 'mean' isn't one of them. When I feel to be mean it takes self-control not to do it (behave the way my instinct tells me), but when I have self-control then later I have no regrets. I love the words to this song:

Kindness Begins with Me
I want to be kind to everyone
For that is right, you see.
So I say to myself, "Remember this:
Kindness begins with me."

McMaster, Clara W. "Kindness Begins with Me". 1969. Children' Songbook. 145.

Before and After Sinning

I love this journal entry
April 28, 2007

I’ve been thinking about where I’d be if I didn’t have Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost and the gospel in my life. I’d be a vile person full of darkness and sin. I’d be imprisoned by my sins, bound by no self control. I’d be carnal and full of mischief.

I have weaknesses that would have spiraled out of control and consumed my life. I’d be a slave to my weaknesses today if it weren’t for the goodness and mercy of Jesus Christ - if it weren’t for the fact that I know I’m not vile – I’m a divine daughter of God with beauty and purity. I happen to be living in a fallen state, in a fallen world. I am susceptible to my weaknesses and sin and only one person can save me from myself – the Lord Jesus Christ – He is my master. I will follow him forever and he walks with me.

I am not and never will be free from sin in this lifetime. I try to live with purity and keep the commandments. I pray, read the scriptures, and live by faith and good works. But inevitably I will sin. I will again fall and give in to my weaknesses.

Before sinning
Something happens. It consumes me and my thoughts until I must give in. Amidst the darkness – a light – a fleeting thought. No. Stop. You mustn’t.

After sinning
I stop. I retreat. I hide. How could I give in? This is not my true nature. Time goes by. Guilt. Sorrow. Remorse. And then the thought, where would I be without God? I’d be stuck here! Oh God, help me. Save me. I am not vile. I give my life to thee. Save me from myself. Save me from this fallen state. Reflection.

“Awake! My soul. No longer droop in sin.”

“The Lord is my shepherd ~ I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his namesake!
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
- I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over!
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord.
Forever.”

“Why should I put my trust in the arm of the flesh or make flesh my arm?
I know in whom I put my trust.
Oh Lord, wilt thou encircle me in the robes of thy righteousness?
Wilt thou remove the stumbling block from before me and place a stumbling block before my enemy?
Thou art my rock and my everlasting God.”

Sunlight. A new day. Peace.
A beckoning, “Come unto me.”
Warmth. Forgiveness. Love.

Resolve
“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

My thoughts
I experienced this today. This experience is very enlightening. First, my weakness didn’t consume me – it didn’t defeat me. I didn’t hide from God even though I felt ashamed and disappointed. Second, an interesting thought came into my mind as I reflected, “I’m not vile – I’m divine. I’m a daughter of God.” I’ve never had so much faith. I cannot write 1/10 of what I feel – the words escape me. But the Lord is my shepherd.

Comfort and Help Surely Come

I've been comforted as I've dealt with my challenge-that's been very hard. I lived almost 40 years as a well person and knew what I could and couldn't do. Six years ago when I got sick a new symptom happened almost every day. By the end of Summer I couldn't do a lot of things and felt very frustrated. I felt like maybe Heavenly Father was punishing me. I felt scared that I might die. The Holy Ghost put a thought in my mind to stop thinking of dying and instead to think about how it could be worse. He comforted me and I felt His presence letting me know, "It'll be okay".

I know that Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost love me. They want the best for me and don't punish me but want me to learn and be all I can. Hard things are sometimes scary. Sometimes they're maddening and frustrating. Sometimes they're sad. I truly believe whatever the hard thing is it's best to trust Heavenly Father, Jesus Christ, and The Holy Ghost to give the help and comfort needed.

My Reflection of the 23rd Psalm

Yesterday at church, in Sunday School we focused on the Psalms. The teacher talked about the 23rd Psalm and since it's my favorite, and I like to look deeply at things, I take it a step further:

To me, this Psalm has three parts: 1) v. 1-3-Declaring who he trusts. (It reminds me of the Psalm of Nephi [2 Nephi 4:17-35] where Nephi says I know in whom I have trusted [2 Nephi 4:19].) David talks about how the Lord restored his soul. 2) v. 4-5-The Lord comforts him through trials. It's interesting that he says 'the Lord' but in trials he says 'Thou' - when not facing a trial he can handle life and the Lord steps back (the Lord) but during a trial it gets personal and the Lord gets close-he's right there (Thou) until he can handle life again, then once more the Lord steps back (the Lord). 3) v. 6-Again, declaring who he trusts.

David put his trust in the Lord. He messed up with Bathsheba and indicated how the Lord comforted him in his trial. Once again he declared that he put his trust in the Lord.

The Lord is merciful to us even when we make mistakes. He doesn't leave us when we do wrong but stays with us, comforts us and encourages us to do better-he is our forever friend (I think His love makes us want to repent and try again to do the correct thing). David putting his trust in the Lord at all times inspires me and increases my faith to do the same.

The 23rd Psalm
1 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name’s sake.
4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Goodbye For a Week, My Love

I psych myself up to have bravery today when Per leaves at 1:00PM to drive to the airport. He's traveled ever since we've been married so I'm used to him being gone but he's always home on the weekends. When he travels internationally he's always gone over the weekend. The next couple of months will be busy for him as he goes for a week to China, home for a week and a half, then goes for a week to Dubai, home for a week and a half, then goes for a week to Japan, home for four days, then goes to his home office in NC.

He's leaving today but I look forward to talking to him on Skype when he goes to another country. He'll be home soon but when he travels to a foreign land we have the next best thing - video chat.

I'm happy for him that he provides a valuable thing to his company. I'm glad that what he does makes him happy. I'm thankful that his job provides for our family. In this day and age, I'm thankful that he has a job! I love him and wish him safe travels.

People are Awesome!

I love the story of  'The Starfish'
Once upon a time, a wise man used to go to the ocean to do his writing. He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work. One day while walking along the shore, he looked down the beach and saw a human figure moving like a dancer. He smiled to himself while thinking of of someone dancing to the day, and walked faster to catch up. As he got closer, he noticed the figure of a young man, and that what he didn’t dance at all. The young man would reach down to the shore, pick up small object, and throw it into the ocean.

The wise mad came closer to the young man and called out "Good morning! May I ask what it is that you are doing?" The young man paused, looked up, and replied "Throwing starfish into the ocean." "I must ask, then, why are you throwing starfish into the ocean?" asked the somewhat startled wise man. To this, the young man replied, "The sun is up and the tide is going out. If I don't throw them in, they'll die."

Upon hearing this, the wise man commented, "But, young man, do you not realize that there are miles and miles of beach and there are starfish all along every mile? You can't possibly make a difference!" At this, the young man bent down, picked up yet another starfish, and threw it into the ocean. As it met the water, he said, "It made a difference for that one." -Loren Eiseley

Everyone matters
I love knowing that while I can't make a difference to everyone I can make a difference to someone. The thought of me affecting one person's life gives me great joy. Every single person is important and matters a lot; and my best effort goes to helping them.

I love people and want to see them happy
Isn't it ironic that I laugh or cry when seeing someone do the same? In a way, my emotions are tied to theirs. When someone smiles the first instinct is to smile back; in a way, everyone's emotions are tied to everyone else's. Knowing 'in a way I'm tied to them' makes me want to lift and inspire them to reach for the stars.

It's Not What I Wanted to Hear but It Helped

Recently, I felt offended and a little insulted. It caused me to never want to see that person again. I thought about it and my rational mind said, "It's your pride and ego that hurt. Swallow your pride and show love because that's how you are". Part of me felt like a little girl who clenches her fist, straightens her arm and stubbornly says, "I don't want to", but the loving part of me said, "Okay, I will".

It's hard to swallow my pride and show love to someone who didn't show love to me but loving is how I am and therefore I show love even when others don't. (I say it's how I am because it's how I want to be. If I just say I want to be it, I'll never be but only wish. I say 'I am' but sometimes (out of instinct) 'I am not'-just keepin' it real :)

I could quote the scripture about loving your enemies but I won't. Instead I'll just say that I'm trying with the hope that one day I'll be.

In Helping People I Help Myself

Someone out there needs help. Granted, I probably need help, but somehow problems seem diminished when helping someone else. What's more, usually an understanding of how to solve a problem comes when helping someone else. What's even more, usually blessings are counted after seeing their problem and often the thought is, compared to their problem I'll take my own.

I'm not saying problems are great, they aren't-they suck! All I'm saying is that everybody has them and it feels better to help someone else than to just sit and sulk. I say to myself, "Don't be Debbie Downer-who's always down in the dumps, instead pull yourself up by the bootstraps-put a smile on your face-wipe your tears-and go do something nice for someone else. I promise, you'll feel better".

I can promise it because I've seen it happen. I've been sad, but my sadness felt less when I did something nice for someone else. Today, I'm 45 years old, have my share of problems, and yet feel happy. I don't cry for help, but if I did someone would kindly and lovingly come.

I love the words to this song:

Not too Far From Here

Somebody's down to their last dime
Somebody's running out of time
Not too far from here
Somebody's got nowhere else to go
Somebody needs a little hope
Not too far from here

And I may not know their name
But I'm praying just the same
That You'll use me, Lord
To wipe away the tears
'Cause somebody's crying
Not too far from here

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

It may be a stranger's face
But I'm praying for Your grace
To move in me
And take away the fear
'Cause somebody's hurting
Not too far from here

Help me, Lord
Not to turn away from pain
Help me not to rest
While those around me weep
Give me Your strength and compassion
When somebody finds
The road of life too steep

Somebody's troubled and confused
Somebody's got nothing left to lose
Not too far from here
Somebody's forgotten how to trust
And somebody's dying for love
Not too far from here

Now I'm letting down my guard
And I'm opening my heart
Help me speak Your love
To ev'ry needful ear
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here
Someone is waiting
Not too far from here 

Being a Good Person

Enoch

Overcoming the world means gravitating to good people. I won't focus on the world's problems but on being the kind of person to withstand God's presence. I won't say, "This or that is unfair" but instead say, "Let's be the kind of people to live in Zion." I'd rather rally the troops to be righteous than point out worldliness. Worldliness is the inevitable - it's the direction of the world, but I won't be one of the millions that follow the world. Instead I'll follow my Savior.

My Church and Women's Rights

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (my church) is in the news again
A woman founded an organization to advocate women's rights and promote something my church doesn't believe. She pressured my church to adopt her belief and they wouldn't so after much discussion they let her go - like "You go your way and I'll go mine" or "Let's agree to disagree". But she didn't separate kindly, blaming my church and saying they did her wrong.

Her organization exists and says one point of view and I want to stand for what I believe (which is different than her) and say my point of view. (I don't say my beliefs to sway anyone to think like me, I just say what I think and hope to be friends with everyone ... even people who think differently than me.)

What I think:

The Priesthood (God's power) blesses all of God's children
Everyone has the same right to baptism, confirmation, and blessings. Yes, men and boys get ordained to hold the priesthood in my church but that doesn't make them more special. If anything, it gives them more responsibility because they have the duty to be true to it. Comparing women to men, they both have the duty to be true. Men have an extra duty to also be true to the priesthood. Honestly, I'm glad I don't have the extra duty.

Women's rights don't exist to promote women they exist to take rights away from men
I'm totally for promoting that women are capable and can do things. But to say, "Men need to stop doing it so women can" is something I won't say. Men want to care for women and others, it makes them feel like men, so I say, "let them do it".

This is an imperfect world where something will always be unfair. It's insane to expect perfection (equality) in an imperfect world because it will never happen. Women should try to be all they can be, and men should too - that's my idea of equality, not take that from him and give it to her. I don't like how women's rights say that just because I'm a woman I have to have it because maybe I don't want it; I hate being forced.

People will do what they want
If a person wants to do/believe something they'll find a way to do/believe it. To me, why get upset about something I can't control? People love drama and they like to be a part of 'the team'. In my mind, certain causes distract people from developing wanted character traits and they possibly develop unwanted traits (like anger, meanness, rudeness, and disrespect).

Let's get along
Why be angry instead of friends? Why see unfairness instead of what's fair? (It's like seeing the hole and not the doughnut.) I'll focus on what I can do and let the rest go; I hope the world will too.

Something I Believe is True

I truly believe that God is a glorified being who is only good and that human beings are spiritual beings without race, class, political persuasion, or status. This world gives us the opportunity to live in certain countries, be a part of certain ancestry, believe certain things, have certain knowledge, and choose this or that (kind or mean, judge or accept, love or hate, tolerate or discriminate, many more things).

The real test is to rise above the world to see us all together (without the things the world says we are), to see that we're all brothers and sisters, and to love one another.

If this world got stripped down to only people we'd see that the feeling in our heart is the only thing that matters. If the heart is bad then it's easy to forsake, but if the heart is good then it's equally easy to embrace. I know it's philosophical. Plainly said: Rise above the world to see the real person, and develop good things in the heart.

A Friend, Is a Friend, Is a Friend

True friends don't abandon, that's natural man thinking. It feels easier to leave when it's unsavory or when things get hard, but to me that's when a friend stays.

I think of the Bible story where the Pharisees (the supposedly righteous people) asked Jesus why he hung out with Publicans (a lower class than Jesus.) They said it would ruin his reputation, but Jesus basically said 'I hang out with people who need me'.

It also reminds me of the story about the shepherd who left the 99 sheep to find the one lost sheep. That lost sheep needed his shepherd to find him because he was lost. The 99 sheep were fine but the one sheep wasn't. How kind and loving for that shepherd to go find the lost one instead of thinking Oh well, I have 99 sheep, who cares if one is lost.

I want to emulate the good shepherd who always cares about the one. Relating the story to people, everyone is a life, a person. (Every human being is God's child and they all matter to Him.) Each person deserves true friendship and it's my desire to be as good of a friend as I can. In the words of my favorite business philosopher, Jim Rohn, "How long should you stay? Until."

Being In Charge of My Life

These are ways I want to be: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest. I want to be these things and it means being that way at all times; even when I don't want to. Sometimes people rub me the wrong way and my first instinct is anger and to get mad. But is anger anywhere on my list? No. I need to rise above my anger and desire to get mad to be who I want to be.

Mastering my emotions is doing just that, it's rising above the feelings that aren't "me" to being what is "me". What other people say and do is a reflection of them, not me. What they say or do causes feelings in me because it affects my ego. When I say "rise above my feelings" I could say "rise above my ego". I can rise above the feelings that aren't me by not letting my feelings be in control and dictate what I say and do but by me controlling them.

The only feeling that really matters is love. Everyone wants love and everyone wants kindness. Nothing matters except that I love. If someone doesn't hear/see/feel my love, again that's them and doesn't mean I didn't give it. All I can do is be who I want to be and not let my feelings and emotions run the show.

Giving Unconditional Love is Sometimes Hard

My cat isn't perfect, but you take the good with the bad. She came in my office today and meowed. I said, "Kitty I'm mad at you" and didn't want to pet her. A thought flashed in my mind saying, "Love is loving even when you're mad". I petted my cat and thought about how withholding my love when I'm mad is so mean. I thought about all the things I love about her (her soft fur, that she meows at me, herself) and how sad I'd feel if she wasn't in my life.

Thankfully she seems to not notice my bad behavior because she comes to me even when I'm mad. She demands to be in my life and I pet her because I know she'll just meow. If only people were like cats. When a person isn't shown love they sooner or later get fed up and don't keep demanding love. They just go where they do feel love and sometimes aren't willing to give another chance that could hurt them more. Humans could take a lesson from both my cat and me; Cat: give another chance, Me: love even when you're mad.

I'll Be a Friend

I've heard successful people say, "Choose your friends wisely." It's true that some people can bring you down, can curb your ambition or courage, and can squash or make fun of your dreams.

But I feel torn because I want success and yet I consider 'everyone' my friend. I might not listen to or believe some things, but I have hope in good outcomes. (Someone hopes for me and I follow that example.) I don't want to judge or stop being friends, but want to encourage my friends to reach further.

I believe in success. But I won't consider myself a success if I become successful by cutting off ties; on the contrary, I'll feel selfish and mean. I may protect myself from unsavory words or actions, but I'll be kind. I won't shun but embrace and have faith in everyone's ability to choose good things. I'll be a friend.

The New Me - Turning a New Leaf

I'm tired of feeling shame, judgment and less-than some others. Whatever the judgments are, they are unloving and I don't accept them.

People sometimes have bad behavior-no one's perfect. I accept people but I don't accept bad behavior. I don't even expect the opposite treatment because it doesn't matter. I just declare that I don't accept bad things and will not let them effect me.

A person will get walked on and treated badly until they stand up and defend themselves. I didn't stand up for many years because I wanted to be nice. Now I know that 'nice' doesn't equal 'doormat', I can be nice and yet defend myself. Being nice does not mean being a sitting duck-a target for bad behavior.

To me, "Judge not and be not judged" means let your heart be free from judgment because what goes around comes around. Others will judge me but their judgment is a reflection of them, not me.

Judging is concerning myself with another person. I want patient, loving, kind and merciful traits in my character. Therefore, I'll work on developing those traits while being uplifting and only judging myself.

Some Words Mean So Much More

I've been thinking about this poem ever since I read it. To me, it speaks about so much more than baking bread. (Words like 'love', 'progression', and 'creation' come to my mind.) I love this woman's poetry, it speaks to my soul.

BAKING BREAD

There seemed more accusation

Than admiration

In Vivian's voice

When she said,

"Well, I wish I had time

To bake bread!"...

And so sometimes when

The loaves were in the oven

And Vivian was at the door

Louise mumbled something about

Another bake sale again

 

And never even tried to explain

Her near-religious ritual:
 

How the flour on her fingers

Was the sun and the rain

And the earth
 

How the thump of her palms

On the dough

Was the dance of women

On the ancient threshing floor

 

How the smell of baking

Leavened her

And left her believing that

We rise, we rise
 

And how the cutting

Of the first warm slice

For the first child home

Made her a bounteous goddess

With life in her hand.
 

(Pearson, Carol Lynn, "Baking Bread", Beginnings and Beyond, Springville: Cedar Fort, 2005. 77. Print)

I Love Everyone

This morning I had an epiphany; to only love.

When I looked at certain pictures they gave me a pit in my stomach because I believed I saw 'wrong'. I asked myself why I believed this and realized my belief was stigma not truth. Furthermore, a belief in 'right and wrong' caused judgment when the true belief was in 'good and bad'. (A person can be good and rise above believing 'right and wrong' to see what's real.)

For example, I got pregnant at 17. Many people judged me based on what they saw and because they thought that I did 'wrong'. The truth is, they judged me based on my appearance not based on my character. My character said 'good'. I did my best, I strived for eventual perfection, and I wanted the same as them but because I behaved in what they considered the 'wrong' way, they judged me. I judged myself for many years before learning the truth that I'm good.

Everyone does imperfect things, but they all deserve my faith and love. I believe in good/bad. I believed in many right/wrong things for years but starting right now I'll look at every one of my beliefs and believe it only if its good.

Again, I believe in good/bad. My character says who I am. I can do good things and I'll call them 'good' not 'right'. I'll try my best not to judge because I want to have acceptance in my character. The opposite of judgment is acceptance. I accept all good things and invite them into my life.

Loving People

One of the things I've learned from my trial is to be more accepting. I'm not perfectly accepting but I'm way more accepting than I was before. I used to have such drastic thinking - either this or that, right or wrong, good or bad. And I was always on the best side. All I know is that I don't need to judge anyone until I've walked a mile in their shoes. There are so many reasons why people do things - and many are things that I don't know about. Bottom line: I never have the right to judge anyone and they never have the right to judge me. We are all free to be who we want.

I speak as if I lived in a perfect world. Here's another bottom line: people are gonna judge me but I will try my best not to judge them, including accepting them even when they don't accept me. (My actions speak about how I am.) I want to be accepting therefore I will be accepting even when they aren't.

Feeling Really Bothered, But Expressing Something Else

My Experience
I had this experience and wanted to share it because it truly makes a difference when I think before reacting rather than just reacting:

If every time I talk to someone and they put up a brick wall, I can either make a change or not and go crazy. RATIONAL MIND: CHANGE IS HARD. SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, BUT THEY HAVE TIME TO CHANGE. ITS GOOD TO VOICE MY OPINION BUT ALWAYS STRIVE TO GIVE OTHERS MERCY. ALWAYS STRIVE TO LOVE.

 

Some people put up brick walls and don't listen to me because they only listen to themselves. GIVE MERCY, GRACE, AND LOVE. LOVE THEM THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT EXPECTING THEM TO CHANGE.

 

I'm done talking to a brick wall that won't change. I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and lonely. IS THAT TRUE? AM I *REALLY* WILLING TO BE DIFFERENT OR AM I JUST SAYING THAT 'CUZ IM MAD?

 

It's a shame to not be friends but everyone's actions determine their choices. IT'S TRUE THAT EVERYONE CHOOSES. ITS ALSO TRUE THAT PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE CAN CHANGE THEIR MINDS.

 

I don't expect perfection, but I do expect respect. TO HAVE RESPECT I NEED TO GIVE RESPECT.

 

I won't be a doormat that faces a brick wall when they don't want to hear me. THAT'S CONDITIONAL - 'I'LL ONLY GIVE YOU MY LOVE IF YOU DESERVE IT'.

 

I have an opinion and it deserves to be heard. YES, THIS IS TRUE, AND IT WOULD BE HEARD IN A PERFECT WORLD...HOWEVER, I LIVE IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD AND DONT ALWAYS GET WHAT I DESERVE.

My Thoughts
Reacting is based on my words in lowercase. Acting after thinking is based on all my words. What a difference I see between the two. In this experience, I reacted then later apologized after I thought about it. I wish I wouldn't react but I'm working on my gut reactions and have hope that I can change. I know that I do things that bother people, too. I just hope they will be kind and forgiving and choose to see the best in me and not the worst.

This experience has taught me to give people a chance, to know that people aren't robots - sometimes they make me upset but I choose how to respond, and to know people are trying - they don't want to make me mad, they're my friend.

I want to be kind and loving and am working on being that way. I might not be kind and loving all the time but I'm willing to improve and want to change my ways. I'm not perfect, but I have hope that one day I will be.