Being Strong in Hard Times

As I've faced something hard the thing that's helped me most is being strong. I think it's better to suck it up and be brave than to stay sad and exclaim the unfairness. Life is unfair - but I'd rather lift by saying, "You can do it" and put a smile on my face than drag down by saying, "You're weak. You failed" and wearing a scowl.

I may not like the thing but it's up to me how to respond. A little optimism makes a world of difference. I make myself happy because I'd rather be happy than sad. I've had plenty of things happen to make me sad but I choose to be strong and not only survive but not get defeated.

My goal when facing something hard is to overcome it and once again just be myself. Like I've said before, "I'm not my trial" I'm me ... my trial doesn't define me, I do. I'm not a victim to the things in my life but determine where and who I am in spite of what happens to me.

It Used to Frustrate Me But Now It Doesn't

As I look back at my journal entries from the past week I see that I learned a lot about myself. Experiences that felt hard told me how I am. I'm reading a book ("Not My Will, But Thine") by one of my favorite people, Neal A. Maxwell, and he said that experiencing trials is a part of life that tell us how we are. He quoted Hebrews 5:8 that says, "Though he were a son, yet learned he obedience by the things he suffered." Even Jesus learned from his trials.

I've learned that my trials refine me and make me closer to my "real" self. I understand and feel the same way as Paul when he said, "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities ... for when I am weak, then am I strong." (2 Corinthians 12:9) When my trial frustrated me I couldn't say, "I take pleasure in this", on the contrary I said, "I don't like this!" and "This sucks!" But because time has gone by and because I've accepted my fate I'm willing to see my trial in a different way and can see things that benefit me. My heart feels at peace now and I see the world around me not just my trial. I feel lucky that I had an intense five year learning experience. Even though my trial goes on I consider the good side of it ... that it teaches me.

Goodbye For a Week, My Love

I psych myself up to have bravery today when Per leaves at 1:00PM to drive to the airport. He's traveled ever since we've been married so I'm used to him being gone but he's always home on the weekends. When he travels internationally he's always gone over the weekend. The next couple of months will be busy for him as he goes for a week to China, home for a week and a half, then goes for a week to Dubai, home for a week and a half, then goes for a week to Japan, home for four days, then goes to his home office in NC.

He's leaving today but I look forward to talking to him on Skype when he goes to another country. He'll be home soon but when he travels to a foreign land we have the next best thing - video chat.

I'm happy for him that he provides a valuable thing to his company. I'm glad that what he does makes him happy. I'm thankful that his job provides for our family. In this day and age, I'm thankful that he has a job! I love him and wish him safe travels.

Putting It Into Perspective

"Once there was a little bird who decided to stay in the north for the winter. The weather soon turned cold. The bird reluctantly decided to fly south. Ice began to form on his wings. Almost frozen, he fell to earth in a pasture. A cow wandered by and crapped on the little bird. Our feathered friend thought it was the end, but the manure was warm and defrosted his wings. Warm, happy, and able to breathe he started to sing. Just then a cat came by. Hearing the chirping he investigated. The cat cleared away the manure, found the singing bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story is: The one who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. The one who pulls you out of a pile of manure is not necessarily your friend."

I love that story, it's so true! To me it puts burdens in perspective and causes me to think that maybe my burden isn't just bad, maybe it's also good. My burden is awful...but when I look at it in another way it's helpful. I'm not so close to the forest now (my burden) that I can once again see the trees. I've had my MS diagnosis for almost six years and can now look at it objectively. It doesn't hurt me like it did even last year. (Maybe time needs to give distance between a person and their burden, because if the person is still mad they don't want to hear reason but feel support.)

I don't want to tell anyone how to think or feel, I just say that for me I can now look at my burden objectively. When I feel sad or mad I do things that make me happy. Maybe I watch a good movie, talk to a friend, listen to nice music, read an uplifting book, write, go to lunch or take a ride. Whatever I do distracts me for that time from the reality of my burden. I'm my true self and not handicapped at those times. I endure my burden and today feel happiness.

Because I'm Happy...

This is cute (click here) It's a Stake Presidency lib dubbing (lip synching and audio dubbing in a video) to Pharrell William's song "Happy" (made for Despicable Me 2).

Happiness seems to be a state of mind. When I feel sad I can feel happy by what I focus on (thoughts, music, movies, images, words, ...). If I feel down in the dumps I can soon feel happy if I think about happy things.

I'd rather feel happy than sad. I hear, "But sometimes I feel sad and it means I'm gonna be sad." I don't believe that. I don't agree that my feelings determine my life. I believe that I determine my life. I'm in charge of my life, not at the mercy of my feelings. Maybe the thought is, "Well you're brave, but I don't dare do it." It's not that I'm brave but that I do it even though I'm scared. I've faced scary things because they were in my face. My choices were 1-face it, 2-be controlled by it. I did #1 because I hate to be controlled. I didn't know what would happen when I faced it, but what happened is ... I got stronger, the fearful things in my mind didn't happen and instead I knew I could do it; I knew I could face hard things because I did it.

I've had numerous experiences like that over many years and grown strong in several ways. Plenty of my doubts and fears have gone away and I hope the same for everyone. People are strong but they don't realize their strength until they have to be strong. I say when bad feelings come, "Direct your life, don't fall victim to it. You're strong and you can do it. Think happy thoughts, focus on happy things and be happy."

I Won't be Blindsided by Fear

I truly believe that fear is a tactic Satan uses to stop us in our tracks. I see so many things happening in the world that if I focused on their reality I'd feel really scared. Wars are happening in various places, the cost of living is going up, food costs are rising, the cost of gasoline is ridiculous, unfairness happens, I have to deal with new symptoms of my disease, and on and on and on. It's at that moment that I have to step back from the problems, take a deep breath, and tell myself this:

• I was destined to be born now and knew before I was born that the world would have turmoil. I'm strong and can handle it.
• I will believe truth and not be blindsided by lies (fear being the biggest of all).
• It is what it is. Bad things happen but I choose what I focus on and I won't get stopped in my tracks by fear, I'll have faith that God will support me and give me peace as I put my faith and trust in Him.
• Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. - Isaiah 41:10
• Truth: Satan has pulled out all the stops. He wants to make God's children afraid so they won't have faith. He knows his fate has been decided and that he's destined for hell and he wants to take as many of God's children with him as he can. Here's the clincher: he doesn't care about anyone but himself, he just wants to hurt God!
• Fear doesn't mean I'm going to hell it just means I feel fear instead of faith.

It's true that opposition exists to make me choose. It's also true that when I choose to feel afraid I just scare myself. If I choose to have faith instead and tell myself that whatever scares me God knows about too, I'll feel peace. Bad things are gonna happen - it's a part of life - but I won't dwell on the bad and I'll continue to live my life.

Enduring Something Hard

I heard a talk once where the guy said it was better to look on the optimistic side of mistakes and challenges because then you could laugh at them later. He said, "Come what may and love it." Another person said that in life you either had to laugh or cry. She said that she'd rather laugh than cry because crying gave her a headache.

I agree with them and think it's best to look on the bright side. I want to cheer myself up not feel down in the dumps. But let's be honest, I don't love everything. Sometimes I think, Come what may and endure it. I want to be optimistic and I think I'm pretty positive, but some things bug me and they always will.

There are some things that I really dislike about my trial.

At those moments I think about this picture:

Sometimes things are hard.

When things are hard I tell myself,
"I don't have to like it, I just have to endure it."

I live with people who care about me. Sometimes I don't want to hear any pep talks from them or even anything (because I'm close to tears.)
I smile, and imagine myself with kindness.
Then I think, You can do it. 
You're tough and you can handle it. I have faith in you.

How A Person Should Be Treated

Everyone is equal
When a person becomes handicapped they stop being "normal". Some normal people tend to think the handicapped person doesn't know anything or they're at the bottom of the barrel. In my case, before I became handicapped I was the Young Women's President at church, as well as had many skills and knew several things. Just because I'm handicapped doesn't mean that my personality changed, nor does it mean that I forgot all my skills and don't have any knowledge. No! I'm the same person on the inside although I'm different on the outside.

I don't want to be disregarded to do some things that "normal" people do just because I have a handicap. I'll say something if it's too much for me, but I can do some things and say, "Please, let me try!" I strive to improve myself even though I have a handicap. I've always wanted to become more and truly believe that having a handicap has taught me many things about myself; things that could only be learned through having my challenge. I totally believe that I don't stop improving just because I have a handicap.

Challenges make people stronger
For me, a lot of learning has been accomplished during my challenge. Comparing the person I am today to me five years ago shows vast improvement. For example, I had a weaker personality back then and am much stronger today. To me, having a challenge is a blessing instead of a curse because so many good things happen as a result of it. Honestly, I shudder to think what life would be like if I hadn't gotten challenged.

Every challenge can become a blessing when given the chance to be a blessing. The challenges aren't as important as the lessons learned from them. Being the religious person that I am, I truly believe that God wanted to teach me something so he gave me a challenge. I believe these words with all my heart: "All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good". When I first became handicapped I didn't consider it for my good, but as I look back over the last five years I can clearly see the blessings.

Everyone is handicapped in some way
My challenge is physical - everyone can see it, but most people's challenges aren't seen. Everyone has challenges.

• Would it be fair to the person with a challenge, who asked to do more, if they weren't even considered to fill a need because they "had too much on their plate"?
• If they ask for it, why not help them instead of overprotecting?
• It's nice to pamper a person who seems to have a hard time, but when they say, "I can do more" isn't it crazy to not let them try? 

We don't have to stop being nice or caring when a person with a challenge says, "Thank you for caring about me. Please, let me do more. Let's make this thing work." If they want to try then why not let them? God gives us challenges because he see's more in us than we see in ourselves. When we learn from our challenges we become strong. I'm reminded of what my favorite philosopher said: "Asking is the beginning of receiving. Make sure you don't go to the ocean with a teaspoon. At least take a bucket so the kids won't laugh at you."

Help people
Let's help people improve when they ask for it.

A Great Poem

Good Timber

-by Douglas Malloch

The tree that never had to fight

For sun and sky and air and light,

But stood out in the open plain

And always got its share of rain,

Never became a forest king

But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil

To gain and farm his patch of soil,

Who never had to win his share

Of sun and sky and light and air,

Never became a manly man

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:

The stronger wind, the stronger trees;

The further sky, the greater length;

The more the storm, the more the strength.

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,

We find the patriarchs of both.

And they hold counsel with the stars

Whose broken branches show the scars

Of many winds and much of strife.

This is the common law of life.

My friend gave this poem to me in the 80's. I have since given copies to some other friends. To me, this poem speaks of strength. People are strong and sometimes they don't recognize their strength until they have to be strong. I think of those people like a limb that bends in the wind. It might get blown pretty hard, maybe even touch the ground, but it doesn't break -- it's pretty resilient!

Finally, I Can Truly Acknowledge the Truth About My Illness

I moved on with my life (stopped focusing on my illness) because enough time went by with me living my new normal that it felt more 'normal' than my old normal. Before I moved on, I just wanted what I'd had. This is the first time that I've even wanted to candidly acknowledge the truth about my illness, and can do so without crying. I've acknowledged components of my character (how I'm strong, I won't give in, I can do it, etc.) but I've never positively acknowledged my illness. I've never been a support to anyone (I've felt that I needed support rather than that I could give it.) And, I can relate to anyone who is dealing with something hard; not just people with MS. I understand the pain, the disappointment, and the grief of dealing with adversity. Nothing challenges you more than a trial - I can truly attest to that. And, nothing will tell you, better than a trial, what your made of - I can attest to that too.

Life isn't always happiness and roses, sometimes life is hard. I truly believe, however, that my attitude determines whether my challenges are hard or easy. Looking on the bright side and counting my blessings helps me to see good things, too - not just bad things. I believe that hope allows me to live my life and to continue to progress, instead of just getting blindsided by challenges and never continuing to grow. Focusing on the hope of achieving another goal redirects my focus off of my challenge. My illness, although still there, isn't my main focus. (Say that a person with a challenge also has kids. When they focus on their kids, their focus isn't on their challenge, and over time their pain hurts less, they have better perspective, and can choose what to do with their life instead of just being railroaded by their challenge and doing nothing. Eventually, if they choose it, they move on.)

When I got MS, I had two choices: 1) Be defeated, or 2) Be strong. I lamented a lot about the past, and constantly wanted what I'd had. Also, I learned a lot about myself. (I wouldn't have learned about myself had I chosen defeat, because I would just have complained about my illness and never learned anything good.) My life isn't just my illness - there's more to my life than that - but I choose whether or not to let my illness consume my entire life. Of course, my illness will consume my life for a while, but eventually I will pick up the reins and be the one to drive my life, not my illness.

Giving in to Fear Just Leads to Having More Fear. Be Strong!

The most helpful thing to me has been reading about the voices in the book Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence. In that chapter it says that there are three voices in everyone's head: The first voice says positive things; The second voice says negative things; And the third voice wonders which is right. (Imagine a confused person with a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other shoulder who holds their hands up as if questioning which one to listen to. One voice says, "Do it" another voice says, "Don't do it" and the person thinks, what should I do?)

For years I had a little voice in my head that said bad things to me and made me doubt myself. I listened to that little voice, even though I didn't like it, because I wondered if it said the truth. About ten years ago I learned that it had been lying to me and began thinking good things. (Ever since I got sick the little voice stopped talking to me - and never came back. I don't know why it stopped, but, being the religious person that I am, I choose to consider it a gift from God because He loves me.) Recently, I read the following story and thought the wolves were like the little devil and angel on the person's shoulders:

An old Cherokee told his grandson: "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth."

The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed." 

How true that the dominant voice in my mind is the one I feed.

Last week, Per and Andrew both went on trips, leaving me home alone with Fluffy. For five days I felt fine. (Albeit a little bored at night, but mentally and emotionally OK.) On day six, I sat upstairs doing something in the kitchen. Someone impatiently rang my doorbell three times, and by the time I opened the door he stood at the end of my driveway on his phone. I let my imagination see a bad possibility that scared me. He held a clipboard and could have been talking to his boss, but I also considered the possibility that he had called a thief to tell them to rob my home because no one answered the door. I let my fear go so far as to text my son, text a friend, turn on every light in the house, turn on the TV, lock every lock, move the key that unlocks my room, and lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. 

I worried all night about a robber getting me. Every time I saw the light outside my bedroom door, I thought about the bad scenario and felt more scared. The next day I thought about how if a robber wanted to do something bad, they'd find a way to do it; I might deter them but if they wanted to do a bad thing, they would.

There are many things that I don't like and that scare me, but I tell myself, "You can handle it!" I'd rather be tough than fearful. I prefer to think, I can! I'm strong and capable of doing hard things. I fed my fear that day and it became stronger. Had I not given in to fear I would have been strong, and, although scared, I would have thought, You can handle it instead of thinking, I'm more scared now. In retrospect, I would have been mentally and emotionally fine had I not fed my fear. People are strong and capable of handling things - I hope they will be strong even when they feel scared.

Easing My Burdens

I compare trials to The Lord of the Rings. The ring was killing Frodo but when he got to Mt. Doom and held the ring over the fire, he couldn't let it go and instead kept it - he said, "The ring is mine!" 

Some of my burdens are hard, perhaps I feel like they are killing me, but if I hold on to my burdens and don't change to make things better, I just drive myself crazy wishing things were different. I'm a strong person and capable of taking the first step to make things better in my life. 

I know that when I have burdens it's helpful to believe things will be better, to have hope in my heart, and to think good things. (Things don't always look good when I make changes; sometimes I wonder if I should go back, but when I keep moving forward and tell myself that one day the future will be bright, it happens and I feel so happy!)

I don't always get what I want, but I always get what's best for me. Sometimes I make life harder when I don't accept reality and instead want the past. (Divinely speaking: It seems like when I put my trust in God's hands, give my control to Him, and submit my will to Him my life goes better.)

I want to be in charge of my life and be happy, therefore I will do my best to make changes in my life when I'm not happy. I hope change will ease my burdens.

Living in the World but Not Being Worldly

When in high school, often I heard "Be in the world but not of the world." One high school year, my seminary had the theme "Not of the World." Then, leaders of my church often talked about standing out and being different. I remember hearing a talk about being different where the speaker used clean-cut missionaries as an example. He said that if the world became clean-cut, the missionaries would do the opposite to stand out. I grew up hearing "stand out."

I don't want to be one of the millions, I am unique - no one else is exactly like me. I'm used to being different; I've been different than other people for most of my life. For example I'm left handed, taller than most girls (and a lot of guys), Hawaiian, Mormon, A teenage mother, chronically ill, married to a foreign man, dark brown haired, brown eyed, used to moving (having moved 20 times before the age of 17), an admirer of sci-fi/fantasy films, and a person who enjoys hearing choral music and opera.

My differences could be considered weird, but they could also be considered to give me character and make me unique. I may live in this world, but I won't go anywhere or do anything not chosen. I'm not afraid to stand out - even when standing alone.

Make a Difference

Something to think about…

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My Dad

Lani Called me yesterday and told me the news I was dreading. My dad passed away. He was in a hospital in Houston then got transferred to Beaumont (his home town) then was rushed back to Houston where he died in his sleep early Saturday morning. He had too many complications and they just couldn't save him. He was 69 years old.

He and I talked on the phone several times in the last few months. He called me often from his hospital bed and told me he loved me. We became friends and I think in some way me having a disability was a comfort to him because we understood each other. He was very positive and his attitude rubbed off on me. He said "every day that I wake up is a good day" and I appreciated hearing that because I felt pretty down and he made me feel up. I felt like compared to what he was dealing with being in the hospital, couldn't talk very well, paralyzed on half of his body, I didn't have much to complain about. Actually, I felt pretty normal when I talked to him. He said my strength inspired him which I never understood because he seemed a lot stronger than me. Since he had been dealing with his disability for 17 years I wondered if he had a hard time at first. He said he had always been positive and didn't know any other way to be. That was uplifting to hear and made me want to look on the bright side.

Dusty took care of him and I thank her for that. She is feisty and I imagine wouldn't tollerate any wallowing which I think was good for my dad. I think that helped shape his attitude and helped him to look at his life realistically and focus on what he could do not what he couldn't. I want to perpetuate the attitude he showed me. And in doing so I think it will honor his memory.

I imagine it must be hard for other people, namely Dusty (wife) Pua (sister) Maryanne (aunt) Lani (she was close to him) and Kenneth (he wanted to know him better).

My family is supportive to me and I appreciate that. Per said he'd give me a ticket to attend the funeral and is there for whatever else I need. Thanks honey, that means a lot that you're there for me.

I'm getting spammed by a porn site

Every time I post something I get an Asian person who comments. The name is Asian characters, so I don't even know who it's from. They or this person always posts the same thing, a bunch of dots.

One time Per clicked on the person and his computer navigated to a blog that he said if he continued to click on stuff looked like it would lead to a porn site. I don't even want to see it. I just delete the comment and move on but it's annoying and I know the comments will continue to be there.

I feel like they are just trying to wear me down until I finally click on their link and go to their website. I don't want to be like the millions who get trapped by their curiosity. I think that porn or the dark side is ugly and not real. It's human nature to be curious. It takes will-power to withstand looking. It bugs me that this happens to my blog and I am faced with these people because I don't surround myself with things like that.

Porn is everywhere these days. Its tentacles lace language, commercials, TV shows, music, movies. I am bombarded with it and I don't like it. I am for decency and appropriateness. I believe people who make porn know what these things are but they go over the edge of decency and being appropriate for money. Money, power, greed, acceptance is what these people are after. I am morally strong to withstand it and I raise my children to recognize it and be strong too. I think the worst thing a person can do is turn the other way and pretend it's not there. It's better to recognize it for the lie that it is and know how to withstand being drawn in to that world than to ignore it because then I think a person WILL get drawn in by their ignorance and curiosity.

Decent people don't talk about this subject because it's offensive, ugly and uncomfortable. I just hope they are protecting themselves and their families.

MRI and Me

The MRI machine is two powerful magnets with a hole in the middle where they slide you in on a table head first to get scanned. The hole isn't very big and your nose is inches away from the ceiling when they do the scan. It's very loud and the scan takes at least 30 minutes.

I went to KU on Monday last week to have an MRI of my head, neck and spine. To do the neck and spine the technician moves the table you're on farther into the machine. I couldn't breathe or move my arms and felt like a sardine so I said I didn't want to do it.

On Friday I had an "open MRI" at Olathe Medical Center. With an open MRI, the magnets are turned sideways and you don't go in a little hole. Instead, when you're on the table, they slide you between the two magnets and it's more open. My arms weren't constricted and I could breathe so it was no problem. It was still loud and my head was next to the ceiling but I just closed my eyes and told myself "I can do this."

My doctor said people with PPMS have more lesions in their neck, and since she wants to see if her theory is true I had to have an MRI. I go to see her on July 1st to find out the results and until then I will be patient.

I will also remember to ask for an open MRI if I have to do it again in the future.

Mormon Messages: My New Life

This really touched me, especially the part where she said "...I am not my body..." How true.

My Strengths

I am:

Patient - I've learned patience through sitting and waiting to find out was was wrong with me.

Loving - I have the capacity to love people.

Obedient - I want to do what is right. One time I was praying and the spirit whispered to me that I am obedient person. I've always known that and I was glad to hear it.

Believing in God and Jesus Christ - I believe in their words. I love the scriptures. I try to emulate what they say.

Spiritual - I love spiritual things and see life spiritually more than temporally. I see eternity not just this life.

Accepting - I believe everyone has their own pathway back to God. What's the rush? I believe in people's freedom and their right to choose what they want. God accepts me the way I am and he encourages me. He leads and guides me and doesn't give up on me. I appreciate that.

Funny - I have a sense of humor. I like jokes that don't make fun of others. I like to make my family and friends laugh.

I think it's important to remember my strengths.

My New Doctor

I have a new doctor - her name is Dr. Lynch. She works at KU and
see's only MS patients. I thought she would care more about me than my current doctor and I think I am right.

I went to see her yesterday afternoon and she was very thorough in her testing. One of the things I like about her is that she listens to me. I have been telling my current doctor since October last year that I thought I was getting worse. It started with subtle things that I noticed and progressed from there. He was sure it was all in my head and said I needed a better attitude. He said I have RRMS (relapsing remitting MS) and that's it...no ifs, ands, or buts about it. That's what he diagnosed me as having and it's what most people have. They get an 'attack' but then it goes away (into remission) for a period of time before coming back. Sometimes it can go away for years and you'd never know the person had MS unless they told you. Anyway...he would cut me off when I said things and I felt stupid when I saw him. I thought, if I have a cronic illness am I not supposed to like my doctor and not feel stupid when I talk to him? I thought, I'm not going to tolerate this, so I made an appointment to see Doctor Lynch. The earliest day I could get an appointment was three months away in April but I made the appointment and looked forward to it with anticipation.

She reviewed my MRIs and records from Dr. Arkin and said it was peculiar. She said I'm not the normal MS patient because my brain only shows lesions in the brain stem. She said my balance is worse than it should be for a person my age and then she said she thinks I might have PPMS (primary progressive MS) because my symptoms have just gotten worse over time and I have never gone into remission. She thinks I should get an MRI of my neck because usually people with PPMS have more lesions in their neck than their brain.

I was relieved to hear her mention PPMS because my other doctor would never entertain the idea but I have felt more like I have PPMS than RRMS. There is no treatment nor medication for PPMS and it is more rare. Only about 10% of people with MS have PPMS. She did say however that sterhoids might help alleviate my symptoms for a time. I'm going to the hospital tomorrow for a sterhoid treatment and to have her monitor me. She was surprised that I have never had sterhoids...I have to admit I am surprised myself since that's usually the first treatment a person has. She said sometimes the sterhoids make a persons blood sugar go high and if that's the case, she will keep me in the hospital for five days, to receive all the sterhoids, instead of just one day. She said people with PPMS usually do well with sterhoids for about three weeks, then it starts to wear off and they have to get a treatment about once a month.

She doesn't think Tysabri will work for me since it's more helpful for people with RRMS. I am relieved to hear this because I really don't want to take a chance in getting that very dangerous brain disease (PML) which could be a side-affect from taking the medication.

Why am I writing all this in my blog? 1)I don't want to explain it to everyone who cares about me. I can simply say "read my blog." 2)I am trying to acknowlege my new self and therefore am posting this to the world 3)For some reason, I feel better writing it all down.

I don't know how quickly this is going to progress but I feel like I need to have a good attitude. I've heard attitude makes all the difference in whether or not a person with a chronic disease does well, and I thought I should have a good attitude too. Not only will a good attitude help me but I think it will also bring comfort to my family. I plan on living a good happy life and I want everyone to know that. I am content.

I remember what a friend said to me one time in church. I said to her one day when I was feeling sorry for myself, I'm fatal. She looked at me and said "honey, we're all fatal" that makes me laugh because it's true! We're all fatal, so why not enjoy life now. I smile as I type this and look forward to enjoying my life.