Everyone faces hard things, from that I'm not immune. Five years ago MS scared me. Everything I experienced was new and I just wanted things familiar to me. Now life with my disease feels more normal than life without my disease. Yes, there are things I wish I could do but I love to learn and be improved and I'd trade anything I have for things that improve me.
Before getting MS I did well. I was at a good time in my life. But as I look back I see how having my disease corrected things and brought more happiness to my life. I learned so much in the first year of my illness, and many things I couldn't have learned any other way. I thought I knew a lot, but there's so much I didn't know.
More than five years have gone by since I've had MS and the things that were once hard for me have now become blessings. In contemplating my blessings, here are some that come to mind:
I'm reminded that Neil A.Maxwell said, "In order to feel more joy we must be willing to feel more sorrow." I won't become a greater person without experiencing a little heat. The Lord said that he will try me in the furnace of affliction (Isaiah 48:10). Taffy is yummy when it gets pulled because it becomes it's potential. A caterpillar becomes a butterfly - a totally new creature - when it submits to the chrysalis and is willing to transform. Wonderful statues are carved out of marble but the marble starts out as a block before being chiseled into something magnificent. Likewise, I am willing to endure any trial because I know I will become marvelous.
Less judgmental
I didn't realize I was so judgmental but it's true. Internally, I looked at people up and down and judged their appearance; their hair, their fingernails, their clothes, their clothing fabric, their shoes, and the list goes on. I judged what people did, what they said, and who they were. I was kind on the outside but on the inside judged harshly. I didn't forget wrongs but I didn't hold grudges. I liked what I liked and didn't like what I didn't like, end of story. I'm more accepting now. People can be who they are and I will try my best not to judge them. Everyone chooses the person they are. I give people mercy because mercy has been given to me, and because I want to receive mercy in the future.
Less rigid
I used to think very black or white - either this or that. I didn't allow for mistakes and expected perfection. The term "Good Enough" was hard for me to accept before getting sick, but after getting sick I simply couldn't do more - even when I wanted to. I learned that good enough is acceptable when in our hearts we want to do more.
More authentic (being vs. acting)
I placed a lot of value on what other's thought, but imagined their thoughts in my mind. Everything; the appearance of my home, my actions, my children's actions, my appearance, my job, and many more things had to have a good appearance or I thought people would judge me. I wanted others to think my things were perfect, even when they weren't. After getting sick, I wore things not because of their cuteness but because of how they helped me. I had a lot of pride and wouldn't let others help me because I didn't want to be considered weak. Today, I know that when people serve they show their love. Then, my pride didn't allow people to do things for me; I served (appear strong) but didn't get served (appear weak.) Today, I'm just myself - what you see is what you get (WYSIWYG) - and what I say is what I mean. I only do what I want, not what I think others want. I'm real - something a lot of people wish they were but won't allow themselves to be.
More patience
I've learned many forms of patience. I waited for four months while doctors figured out my problem. I waited for weeks for medicine to help me. I learned patience with myself when I had moments for eight months. I patiently endured other people learning to drive my car so they could drive me around. I'm not perfectly patient but I'm more patient than before.
No negative voice in my Head
I used to have a negative voice in my head that criticized me. I listened to it and believed its damning words. I thought of myself as a positive person, but the trait was something I wanted more than was. After getting sick, the negative voice went away - perhaps I just stopped listening to it. My focus became the things I could do not the cant's. Perhaps positive thoughts stopped the negative voice. (I choose to also consider it a tender mercy from Heavenly Father because he loves me.)
Realizing the importance of my family
Even after marrying, I worked. My kids both had daycare. I wanted to stay at home with my children, but financially it didn't make sense. When having my last job Andrew was old enough to stay home without a babysitter. Honestly, I liked being at work more than being at home because at work I saw my purpose and accomplishments, whereas at home I just considered each of my accomplishments as items checked off a never-ending list. When I first got sick, I remember sitting in my living room and feeling nothing (no happiness or warmth in my home.) Immediately I thought, I'd rather be at work. Today, I shudder to think in what state my family would be if I hadn't gotten sick because now we're close. My illness has bonded my family and me together.
Per and I are our true selves (humble, serving)
A person can have good intentions, but act differently because of life events. Negative behavior isn't true nature. Goodness can be overrun by wrongs and unfairness. Before getting sick, life was boring. We did the same thing every day and were stuck in a rut. My illness brought out our true personalities. Per loves to serve people; he also loves to cook. He works all day then comes home and makes dinner for me because he likes to do it. I love to read and learn - especially spiritual things. Today, we are our true selves and do what we love.
More sure of myself (I am valiant, good enough, an example, I stand for the right even if standing alone)
For years, internally I thought harshly about myself. I blamed myself for wrongs, and took responsibility for things that sometimes didn't belong to me. I thought of others as more important than me. Since being sick, I think more highly of myself. I acknowledge my traits and talents, and consider myself important and special.
Realizing my strength
After I got sick people would tell me "You're handling this so well" and "I couldn't do it." I'd think Yes, you could! What would you do - curl up in a ball? People don't know their strength until they have to use it. Strength allows a person to be resilient and sometimes surprise themselves. My disease never went away and caused me to realize my strength; something I didn't know I had.
Allow myself to focus on other skills
Before getting sick I thought I didn't have time to develop any other skills. After getting sick I couldn't work and wondered what I'd do with my time. I felt uncomfortable calling myself a *writer* because I didn't have the qualifications or degree to match the title. Several times, Per told me that I didn't need a degree to have talent. I felt uncomfortable with the title but wanted to write. One day, I realized that I had several journals and had already written a bunch of journals, so maybe I was a writer. I began writing, and the words poured out of me. Now I feel comfortable calling myself a writer. My illness has allowed me to develop a skill that I wouldn't acknowledge. Looking back, I see how I have always loved words, the English language, and articulately expressing myself. In high school I wanted to be a linguist or lawyer. I write blogs (I have eight - yikes!) and think my words help others. I'm thankful to have time to develop skills that I love.
Focusing on what really matters (behavior vs. attributes, giving time rather than things, acknowledging people)
After getting sick, I would first think about the awfulness of not being able to write, sing, play the piano, or basically do everything I loved, then second I would think about the many things I could still do. (I'm a deep thinker and like to contemplate things.) Early into my illness, a thought occurred to me that behaviors could be distractions from developing what really mattered. For example, I could spend my whole life developing my voice, handwriting, or piano playing, but those abilities could be taken away at any moment. Alternatively, developing attributes like being loving, patient, kind, and merciful could never be taken away once they became a part of my character. I decided to develop attributes and it made me real not fake. WYSIWYG. Before getting sick, I had the tendency to show my love through things (gifts, crafts, things I made,) but after getting sick, I realized that time mattered more than things. Things might have said, "I love you," but spending time with someone said that too (if I didn't love them, I wouldn't have done it.) Before getting sick, I didn't talk to some people - to be honest I didn't even see them, I saw the people in my group and that was all. After getting sick, I had to slow down. The people I never saw before were nice to me which really surprised me because I never talked to them. I judged everyone in my mind and thought they would judge me back and think of me the way I had thought of them. I didn't consider myself superior, but, after getting sick, realized that I'd be like 'normal people.' I considered myself above average, and above the "little people." My illness caused me to consider myself the same as people, but my traits made me unique.
Accepting myself (progression not perfection in this life)
I used to hear "accept yourself" and think, how can I ever do that when I can always be better? In my heart I hated myself because of my faults. I wanted to love myself but only would if I was perfect. After getting sick, the only reason I didn't do something was simply because I couldn't do it. I knew that if I could, I would. I learned to believe that God accepted "good enough" from me, because He knew that I gave my best and it was all I could do; He knew my heart and that I wanted to do more. I began to be kinder to myself with each passing year. I learned that He didn't expect perfection in this life but only progression. I came to know that I could love myself even with weaknesses. I accepted who I am and realized that acceptance didn't mean accepting my weaknesses but that I had them.
Accepting my husband (allowing him to be himself)
I wanted my husband to be the person *I* thought he needed to be; I thought my life would be easier if he thought like me. I didn't consider myself controlling, but wanted to control who he was. After getting sick, I submitted my will to HF, and gave up my need to control by realizing that God was in control. That realization gave my husband the freedom to be himself. I accepted my husband for who he is and knew that my only responsibility was to love him.
More trust
I only trusted myself to do things right. I knew of my abilities and that I would do a good job. It was a risk to trust anyone else because maybe they wouldn't do it as good as me. I didn't delegate very often unless I knew I could trust the person to whom I gave the responsibility. After getting sick, I kept thinking about how I needed to put my trust in God; but I felt uncomfortable trusting. One day I realized that He was perfect and decided to trust him. My trust in Him developed quickly once I realized He wouldn't let me down. (Trusting imperfect humans is a risk. What I need to know is that they'll do their best. Knowing that they won't cut corners allows me to trust them.)
Willing to be honest
I married an honest person and got used to hearing the truth. Sometimes I wouldn't be honest to other people because I didn't want to hurt their feelings. A lot of times I would sacrifice my feelings for someone else's - I wouldn't say the truth (be true to myself) because I wanted them to like me. After getting sick, I said the truth even if it hurt someone; I didn't lie, it was the truth. (The truth can hurt the person who hears it, but if they consider the truth it can help them improve. If they change, they can become an even greater person. How can a person change if they never hear the truth?) I didn't want to hurt people with my honesty, but when I didn't tell the truth, I didn't have faith in them that they'd improve. When I didn't say the truth, I didn't help them to potentially progress. The process of writing my book about my life caused me to realize the truth about many things. I said the truth in my book, but it hurt some people. (It hurt them because they chose to be hurt instead of being improved. It may have hurt them but it liberated me.) There is honesty in my family and we can handle hearing the truth, but most people want to hide from the truth and don't want to hear it.
I wanted people to like me so much that I considered what they thought as more important than what I thought. I considered them first and me second. I was very concerned about what people thought of me. After getting sick, I found value in what *I* thought. Perhaps my thinking of myself seemed arrogant, but I didn't look at it that way. I considered it as being sure of myself and being willing to acknowledge the good things about me - my talents, my skills, and the things I loved.
Lehi was a prophet who saw a great vision. His son, Nephi, wanted to know the meaning of things in his father's vision so he prayed to God and not only learned what things meant but also learned so much more. I compare what Lehi and Nephi received to my trials and blessings. I got some trials when I got MS but the blessings I've received are so much more than my trials. This sounds funny but in contemplation of my trials and blessings I can say that I'm thankful for my hard thing because it has improved me.
Why do I talk so much about God? Because He has been there with me every step of the way as I've gone through my hard thing. He has been in my mind encouraging me, comforting me, and causing me to consider things. I have leaned on him and He's been there every time. I love Him. He is my rock and my everlasting God and I will praise His name forever.
