Peaks and Valleys

My blog didn’t get updated for months in order to allow me to write and organize my book; knowing that both couldn’t be done. The book is finished, but editing never is! The book could be revised until I’m blue in the face, but my decision is to stop editing, determine it’s done, and know “it is what it is.”

'Peaks and Valleys' is my offering to the world, hoping that it will help someone. Never before has a book been written by me, but I felt very compelled to do it. So, here it is. The accomplishment makes me proud. Grammar is not my strength; to those whose strength it is, please forgive my errors. But I think the content is good and that’s what matters, right?!

I'm Back! and My Greatest Wish

I've missed writing my blog since I did it for six years, but want to change my focus from handling my trial to living my life. I took a break from my blog because I needed it, but now I'm back. With having MS, I feel better than before and want to just live my life, but what I notice is that a lot of people treat me like I'm incapable and different. It's true that I'm not a "normal" person (I don't do things fast but instead take my time) but can still do things and want to try.

My challenge now is facing the pre-conceived notions of people that see me as different than them. They may judge me and think they know who I am, but unless they find out...it's just an assumption. No matter how they are, I choose to be loving because that's how I am. Life is full of injustices but it's up to me to either focus on the unfairness or focus on being how I want.

I focus on being how I want and on living my life. One of the things I want to do is publish my book because I think it will really help people. My book now is different from the original one. It's called  Peaks and Valleys and is a true story about various peaks and valleys in my life. The book is hopeful throughout every chapter. I want to say a few things I've experienced as well as how no one stays permanently in the valley but eventually they climb the mountain, reach the summit and see the beautiful world. I say honest things that everyone thinks but few dare vocalize. I believe people will relate to my story because they, too, face hard things, but more than relating I want them to know they can overcome, be brave, and know they can do it. I love people and my greatest wish is their happiness.

Reflecting on What I've Said

I believe I'm a better writer than five years ago. Back then, I wanted to learn things about writing. I'm not an expert (especially in grammar and punctuation) but I've greatly improved. I've learned things and had experiences over the years that have made my writing better, and I'm happy to say now that I'm improved.

As I read the entries on my writing blog I see how I could make things better. The content is still good but technically it could be improved . My book is a work in progress and I address it again. I have plans for my writings and they don't include just being on my blog. Let me clearly state my meaning and not be vague: I plan to improve my works and maybe publish them. (If I do publish, I hope they will be well received.)

My words are my art. I'm stronger now so if my words get rejected I can handle it. No one wants to be like the mother who shows her baby to someone and they say it's ugly. Nevertheless, I know that what someone says is just an opinion and it won't stop me from getting what I want.

My Last Handwritten Journal

I came across the last journal I ever hand wrote (from Oct 6, 2009 to March 21, 2010). It's not very long so I decided to transcribe it to MSWord. (Also, the typed words are easier to read.) During this journal is when I decided to write online. I stopped writing for months in 2010 (because I hated my handwriting), but eventually I decided to write online because I missed the therapeutic force I felt from writing in my journal.

I thought I missed hand writing but it turns out that I missed expressing myself. There are many ways to write and I learned that writing online meant just as much to me as writing with a pen. Yes, I miss my handwriting but I'm grateful that I can still write even though I no longer hand write.

Maybe my handwriting wasn't supposed to last for my entire life. I was happy with hand writing in my journal because I'd done it for years, but I have to say that now that I've written online for years, I like writing electronically so much better. Why? Because I can backspace a word and say what I truly mean (nothing is ever set in stone), because I can go back and edit technical flaws (editing is never done!), and because I can write either from my computer or from my iPad (I don't have to be in a certain place).

Like I said before, sometimes I miss my nice handwriting but life evolves and we progress. I'm just glad that I can say what's on my mind.

I've Done It!

Well folks, it's done! I've typed my Grandma Clark's journal of her trip to Europe in 1958. If you want to read it click here. If you want to read what the speakers said at the London Temple dedication click here.

I've gotten to know Gma Clark through her words. The trip lasted for three months and let me know Gma's personality. What I noticed while typing at the end is how much Gma Gordon's (her daughter) handwriting and hers were alike. At one point I thought I was reading Gma Gordon's handwriting. Gma Clark was a remarkable woman and it makes me want to read the other things she wrote.

Journaling is Important

I have a journal from 1958 that belonged to my Great-Grandma Clark. As I've read her words they have allowed me to know her more than just her name and the dates when she was born, married, and died. Her journal has also let me know her character and the kind of person she was.

During that trip in 1958 she:

• Sailed from America to England on the Queen Mary
• Met some of her relatives in England
• Attended the London, England LDS Temple dedication
• Did much genealogy in England before going to the European continent
• Went to the Worlds Fair in Brussels, Belgium
• Toured the European continent (Belgium, The Netherlands, Germany, Switzerland, Austria, Italy, and France)
• Did much genealogy in England after going to the European continent
• Sailed from England back to America on the Queen Elizabeth
• Visited her brother in Cleveland, OH, USA

I am very much like Grandma Clark. We're both alike in these ways:

-Religious

-Tall

-Left-handed

-The oldest child

-Creative

-Love facts

-Love people

-Want to know about ancestors

-Independent

-Do what we want

I wouldn't have known so much about her if she hadn't kept a journal. She recorded many of the things said at the LDS Temple dedication; I know now that people say many of the same things today. I admire her tenacity because when she kept a journal she wrote every day. Sometimes she wrote just one sentence, nevertheless even that tells me something about her. She's been dead for more than 30 years, and I'm grateful to get to know her in the next best way (through her words) because she died when I was too young to appreciate her life. The things I have of hers mean more to me now because I know her better. Journaling helps me and it also helps my posterity to know me. I'll live on because of my words and truly become more than just a name on a page. UPDATE: If you want to read Grandma Clark's words see April 30th.

The Demise of My Book

I wanted to write a book about my life as a mother so I started writing about Per, being a teen mother and single mother, and now I have no desire to finish. I realized a lot of things while writing like: 1) I AM a writer 2) I love Per and am glad to have him in my life 3) I didn't need to go through pregnancy alone, Per's mom really cared and would have taken care of me 4) Per loved me the five years I was a single parent but I told him in a letter when I was pregnant to leave me alone, so he did 5) I didn't need to be alone for five years, as soon as I wrote to Per, he came back.

The rest of the book takes place in my married life. I don't want to throw my family under the bus which is what the other chapters would do. I am not a perfect person and heaven knows I have not been a perfect parent, but as I have learned better I've become better.

Last Night

Here's my attempt at writing something that happened to me:

The bed was soft as I comfortably lay on it playing Angry Birds and Solitaire on my iPod. Before I turned out the light I whipped the covers off me and swung my feet over the side of the bed, stood up and crouched down to the floor to pray. Immediately, upon kneeling down, the pain began shooting up my leg. Ouch! my right knee. I forgot that I was being gentle on my knee and letting it heal from the injury I caused when I knelt on it and twisted wrong one night getting into bed. Back then, I knew I tore something because the side of my knee on the inside of my leg hurt when I touched it. For the last two weeks I had gotten into bed bum first then swung my legs around and scooted and adjusted myself until I found my comfy spot in bed. It was much easier getting into bed using my knee because I could pull myself up to where I wanted to lay and fall back onto the pillow. And, there wasn't as much scooting and adjusting involved.

Kneeling on the floor was not as comfortable as it used to be even on both knees. It's probably because I'm old and out of shape I thought. I shifted from right knee to left. Nope, that still hurts. I knelt on the front and back of each knee, and when I realized I wasn't going to get comfortable I started praying. The pain went away, or I forgot about it, and I focused on what I said. My prayer wasn't very long and when I stood up I did a face-plant on the bed. I used the bathroom for the final time then turned out my light and got into bed, bum first.

It was dark as I put the mask connected to my breathing machine over my nose. I got the mask and machine in 2000 because I have sleep apnea and used to snore loudly. Per shook the bed when I started to snore and I would stop (I really just woke up.) Now, as a result, I am a very light sleeper. (Honestly, I knew I snored because I felt my throat relax but I couldn't help it, getting the machine was a relief.) I reached over to my night stand and pushed the ON button of the machine. Air began blowing into my mask and I relaxed.

Laying snugly in bed, my thoughts turned to Uncle Carl and Aunt Leonette telling me I needed to forgive and move on with my life. Next thing I know, the buckle of my mask came off and air swished around my face from the machine. Darn mask! I thought to myself and fixed the buckle in the dark. When the mask covered my nose tightly, I carefully pulled the right strap down by my jaw so it didn't curl my ear.

Again I lay in silence waiting to fall asleep. I didn't move so the buckle wouldn't come off and my thoughts returned to Carl and Leonette. I went to church with them my first Sunday in Utah and had lunch at their house afterward. I wanted answers about my family that I wondered as a result of writing my book and I knew they would tell me the truth. Uncle Carl had known grandma and palled around with her so I thought he was a good person to ask. At the end of our conversation, and lunch, Leonette said to me "it sounds like you need to forgive and move on with your life". She was right, I had been holding grudges and thinking "if only" when that's not how it "was" no matter how hard I wished. Before I left, she asked me if I wanted Uncle Carl to give me a blessing. No one in my family had given me a blessing before and I said "yes" with excitement. After the blessing and wiping the tears from my eyes Leonette said "that was from God just for you".

A warm tear rolled down my face into my left ear and I choked up with my mask on as I thought about them. I lay in the dark for the next hour tearing up and wiping my eyes as I thought about forgiving and moving on, my family, and the many ways God has blessed my life. Despite my challenges, I am happy...truly happy.

Point of My Book

The book is called:

My Life as a Mother

With chapters including:

Introduction
Teen Mother
Single Mother
Married Mother
Mother of Two
Mother of a Rebellious Teen
Mother of a Missionary
Motherhood Now

I wanted to say how my life and events have been more calm since God has been part of my life.

I think it's interesting that I was a teen mother and that for me life has turned out good.

But I realize I didn't 'have' to become a mother. Being a single mom was hard for me too, but again, I chose to become a mom.

I'm glad that I married Per and that his perspective has brought a different point of view to my life. Now, I don't know what to say. Do I impart words of wisdom that I know now? Do I just tell the story (I think NO on this one) What is my point in writing this story? Is it to bring clarity to my mind of past events? Is it just a history for me and my family?

Some things I've learned:
- a parent needs to tell their child they have plans for their future, and have plans for their future, that way the child will make decisions for their future. There is no use in focusing on Now only.

- thinking "Figure it out. I had to, so you do it" about your child is dangerous. The child is counting on the parent to have figured it out and to help them, because they don't know. It's like saying to your 18 year old "buh-bye, have a nice life." The child doesn't want to be left alone to make their own decisions. Teaching life lessons occurs when parents teach adult children.

- having two children makes for a more disorganized life. You need to know what you would do because you will be tested to make the right choices.

- a parent needs to always love their child even when they are acting out. If a child can't turn to their parents for love, who can they turn to?

- a parent needs to let their child make their own choices, even if the child makes choices the parent wouldn't make.

- a parent needs to learn how to not judge their children. If a child feels judged by a parent, the child will feel resentment towards the parent like they don't accept them.

- a child doesn't have perspective because they've only lived according to what their parents think. Children need to get away from their parents so they can make decisions for themselves.

Prayer

I have been thinking a lot about this journal entry and how much

it touched me to write it and how much it touches me now. I

wanted to share it with you today:

February 1, 2008

Why do I cry or shed tears when I pray?

Because I believe that Heavenly Father's promises are true.

I believe in Jesus Christ and that He's my Savior.

That through faith in Him - He changes my heart.

I know that.

But I cry because the things I pray for,

I hope for,

I want so much,

and I believe they are righteous desires,

and I know the Lord will bless us with the desires of our hearts,

if we ask in faith.

and it fills my soul with happiness,

and I cry.

I cry in gratitude to my Savior.

I thank him that he provided a way to cleanse me from my sins,

and that I may become pure and sanctified.

I cry in gratitude for the promises Heavenly Father made,

that if we keep His commandments,
and do all He asks of us,

and endure to the end (have faith to the end),

we will have eternal life.

We can have the fruit of the tree that is sweeter than sweet,

and whiter than white,

and more precious than any gift,

and I look forward to that day,

with hope and steadfastness in Christ,

to enjoy those blessings with my husband and my family,

and it fills my soul with joy when I pray for these things,

and my cup runneth over,

and I cry in gratitude.

My Book

I'm writing a book about my life. I never considered myself a *writer* but I do have at least 10 journals so I have a lot to say, right?

Thinking back over my life, first I remembered all the happy times. I was a happy kid. (Kids are resilient, they can handle a lot of pressure...at least I could.)

Then I looked at my life with adult eyes and thought, wow I really had a lot of experiences.

I think people like to talk and read about the fluff. Things that are feel-good, like Christmas and happy times. But how often are people willing to talk about the not so fluffy things in their lives? I believe that talking separates a victim from a non-victim. A non-victim is willing to acknowledge the truth with honesty.

I will be honest in my book because I have nothing to hide. Everything I say will be true and is a fact to me.  I will also state solutions in my book. I don't want to just put my life out there with all the crap and stuff, because today my life is good. I want to write about how my life got good, and the journey of discovery it took to get there.