My Thankful Heart

Reading words from the old me
Yesterday, I read my journals from ten and five years ago. Reading my thoughts from those years brought back memories of how I was - what I thought, what I did, what others did and what people said to me. I see how the me today is so different from the me then.

My old thought patterns
My trial has been extremely hard and has pushed me to my limit, but I can look back after having read my words yesterday and see many good things. I used to be so unsure. I talked a lot about my weight. Several times I mentioned the hold food had on me. I had a negative voice in my mind that I believed. And I thought incorrectly about many things. Life is hard and over time those things became very pronounced on the inside even though I seemed to have much control over my life on the outside.

In some ways I seemed to have a charmed life, but in certain ways my inner self was crumbling. Many times perfectionism caused me to feel lonely and cry to myself in my bedroom. Several times my insecure mind got the best of me. On more than one occasion my incorrect thinking caused much turmoil and heartache.

My new thought patterns
Getting MS turned my world upside down and frustrated me immeasurably. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I will feel and see the effects of it. But as I look back over the years since getting sick I see many blessings including that I'm a lot more strong and sure outside and in, food and weight don't have a hold on me, I don't listen to the negative voice in my mind (when I got sick and for years the negative voice didn't exist), I'm less rigid, I'm much more loving, and I think correctly.

Thankful inside and out
Trials don't last forever. I'm thankful for the things that have improved me. In reading my words of yester years I read much anger but now I feel great peace. I'll never go back to the person I was. Even though I have a challenge, I see good things ahead. Not all of my road from then was rocky; many good experiences were also recorded. I'm thankful to look back but I'm more thankful to look ahead.

My Personal Gethsemane

These words (from the song below) get me in my heart, 'My Lord Jesus, if you've got time to spend with me tonight then fly to me, Jesus fly.' When I feel sad, I think of something similar to, 'fly to me, Jesus fly.' In those quiet moments with just myself, when I'm in pain, I want Jesus to take my pain away.

God took away the pain I felt in my heart one time when I felt sad. (I cry because I truly love Him, and because I feel very grateful for what He did.) I consider myself the one sheep that the good shepherd left the other 99 sheep to find. A shepherd cares about every one of his sheep; if one got lost he would leave the flock to find it, and if it got wounded, he would care for and heal it. I was sad (wounded,) and God cared for me and healed my soul.

God loves every one of us-His children. Satan wants us to hate ourselves and to think we're not worthy of God's love; but we are. Satan lies to us, and tells us things that aren't true because he wants to hurt God by hurting us. Satan doesn't want us to feel good, he wants us to feel bad...so that he can control us with his lies, and so that we will believe him and be his. Truthfully, he just wants to win and to be better than God. Satan doesn't care about our fate; he couldn't care less if we burned in hell. God, on the other hand, cares about us, he wants to help us, and he cares about our eternal future. 

I believe that listening to God produces feelings of sureness, security, and confidence in believing that good things are deserved. Also, I believe that Satan whispers lies in my mind that cause me to feel unsure, insecure, and to only hope that desirable things are possible but not to believe that they're attainable. The good things (such as lessons learned, etc.) from suffering make my suffering (trials) worth it.

The first four paragraphs of the following song were written with the perspective of being in heaven and seeing Jesus suffer in Gethsemane.

Gethsemane

My Lord Jesus

Me in heaven, You on earth

You're in the garden

And Your heavy burden is growing worse 

I weep for You, Jesus

My poor Jesus

I'm so sorry to make You cry

But I'm far from like You

And all my sins, Lord, demand this price

I wish that I could come to You

And wipe away the blood

And then I'd bear Your cross, Lord

If I could

But I'm up here

And You're down there, Jesus

My poor Jesus

I'm so sorry to make You die

But, please, for me, Jesus

Die

Now Lord Jesus

You're in heaven and I'm on earth

Now it's my turn

And my little burden is getting worse

I weep for me, Jesus

Oh kind Jesus

I keep trying to win this fight

But I just can't change me

I need Your grace, Lord

Please provide

I wish that I could run to You

And all of this would end

If I could see Your face

Have You close again

But You're up there

And I'm down here, Oh Jesus

My Lord Jesus

If You've got time to spend with me tonight

Then fly to me, Jesus

Fly

My Gratitude for Grandma Clark

After preparing to go visiting teaching this coming Mon & Tues (something the ladies in my church do,) I decided to read some of my Great-Grandma Clark's journals. My mom had given me the journals (which had belonged to Grandma Gordon-Gma Clark's daughter.) One journal (in 1958) documented her trip to Europe where she sailed on the Queen Mary, attended the London, England temple dedication (where she saw and heard President David O. Makay,) went to the World's Fair in Belgium, toured Europe, and sailed home on the Queen Elizabeth. The entire trip took three months. She saw the Statue of Liberty in NY (from the Queen Elizabeth) before flying to Cleveland, Ohio from LaGuardia airport. She wrote much of the things said at the Tempe Dedication, visited English relatives, and did a lot of genealogy.

I'm very grateful for the history and example of my grandma. She was a remarkable woman. Perhaps I inherited my desire for knowledge from her. She wrote many facts, and I love that - facts are fascinating to me. I want to type what she wrote and share it with my relatives, that way I'm not the only one who'll have the information. I look forward to knowing her better on the other side of the veil.

Special Experiences in my Life

One of the special things in my life are my dreams. Vivid, colorful, detailed, honest, weird, liberating, repeating, and sometimes continuous. I remember a lot of my dreams as well as the feelings that accompany them. They are set in different times - some past, some present, and some future. A few are scary, and many are peaceful. Some are gross, and a lot are beautiful. When I think of certain places, certain dreams enter my mind. I remember less of my dreams now than before getting sick, but they mean great things to me.

I'm glad to write things in my journal. Many thoughts run through my mind and are easier to contemplate when I write them down. My journal is like a mute friend that listens for as long as I talk. People can hear too many words, but my journal never says, "Enough!" Many times, I've considered my journal cheap therapy because I've written my true feelings and later read and learned from them. My first journal versus the one I have now are quite different. One reflects my 10-year old self, and the other reflects a more mature me.

One of my favorite high school memories is when a group of friends and I went to a park at night, stood in a circle holding hands, and sang songs. Most teenage kids wouldn't esteem an event like that, but it touched my soul. I'm thankful for the spirituality that has always been a part of my life. Church services, seminary, firesides, and Super Saturdays shaped me. Even my high school choir experience had a spiritual effect on my life. I'm sure that the person I am today is partly attributed to the fact that a lot of my growing up years were done in Orem and Provo, Utah. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel in my heart for the spirituality in my life.

Nothing compares to love. My marriage and the birth of my children are special experiences, indeed. Per, Bryan, and Andrew enrich my life more than I can say. My heart overflowed last year when I saw my oldest son marry his sweetheart. Kimbra adds something special to our family - she is meant to be with us. 

The places around the world where I've been hold a special place in my heart. The people I've met have truly touched me - I'm fortunate to have met them. Some people don't want to travel far distances but I've always wanted it and appreciate the opportunity to have done so. The beautiful places I've seen have enhanced my life. Memories are forever etched in my mind of wonderful sites, fun things, and nice people.

There are many special experiences in my life that haven't been mentioned. Actually, every good experience I've had is special. I feel so grateful when I think about all the special things in my life. Sure, there are crappy things in my life too, but I don't mention them because they aren't special. I am not exempt from feeling sad, lonely, betrayed, and many other negative things, I just don't choose to remain depressed, mad, or hurt because I want to feel happy. There are many good experiences in my life. I love remembering them.

My Grateful Heart

I used to clean multiple rooms in one day. Now, cleaning one room takes me several days. I do a little (not very much to a well person) and have to sit down because my heart is beating and my temperature is raised; if I kept going I'd cry. Over the years I've learned to listen to my body. In the past, I've tried to do what I once could - bad idea. My attempts to do things like I once could have resulted in: 1) Me feeling frustrated; or 2) Me crying; or 3) Me quitting.

I'v learned that it doesn't take much to break a sweat (that's when I need to sit down.) I remember several instances where cleaning caused sweat to run down my nose. (At that moment I kept going until the job got finished.)

I don't mention these things hoping that people will feel sorry for me or hoping that they'll feel sad, but hoping that they'll realize that people can't always do what they once could. I guess I also say these things hoping that people will have more compassion, and that they'll be grateful for what they can do.

I'm gentle on myself now. I allow myself time to accomplish something, and don't expect myself to do it quickly. I know my capabilities. I push myself to do my best and say, "It's great that I tried." (I know that I tried my best and that's all that matters.) I tell myself, "Progression not perfection."

My disease is hard, but it has caused me to look at things in a different way. Instead of feeling angry about my trials being unair, I feel grateful for new knowledge that has improved me.

Grateful For the Simple Things

Something simple makes me as happy as something complicated. I find pleasure in anything that brings me joy. Today, the simple thing is my mattress. Let me fill you in... I've thought many times I love my bed because I've felt comfortable when I've laid on it. Recently, my back began to ache because I waited too long to flip my mattress. Per flipped it for me but it didn't help, so, a few days later, I asked him to flip it another way. This time, after I slept on it, my back felt better. So good, in fact, that I went back to bed a second time and got some much needed rest. Once again, I awoke thinking I love my bed. My back still hurts, but I know It'll get better.

I am thankful for solutions to problems. I know that my husband is too, because I'm not crabby when a solution is found. I feel sad that I get crabby when faced with something that brings me pain. (I wish I had a nicer temperament when facing that kind of situation. It's not fair that I take my frustration out on the people I love because I know they are only trying to help.) Back to my bed, I can say with assurance that my husband is happy that I love it again.

The Best Things in Life are Free

A baby's laugh, things said that warm my heart, watching a beautiful sunset, smelling the air after it rains / or a lawn after it has been mowed, appreciating flowers, seeing crops poking up from the ground.

All of these things make me smile and give me a happy feeling.

It takes effort to "stop and smell the roses." But it also makes me feel grateful when I slow down enough to appreciate (and even see) the little things.

I used to be too busy to appreciate something little. The big things (submitting an important report, attending my child's event, serving valiantly in my calling at church) only had the value needed to get crossed off my list, but making my bed wasn't a big thing - it was a little thing among the thousands of other little things on my to-do list. The little things didn't get acknowledgement - I just did them. Today, the little things in my life have become the big things.

Before getting sick, I didn't slow down enough to see certain people. I saw them but they weren't my friend and that was that. After getting sick I felt shocked that they and so many people were nice to me. I thought they would judge me but they didn't. I had the attitude of being better than them and after I got sick it was hard for me to consider us alike. I wanted to be more than them but my disease made us the same.

My illness made me slow down and see the things around me. It gave me the opportunity to appreciate the things I didn't. It's been almost four years since I got sick. I thank God for giving me the opportunity to see people and the beauty in the world. I shudder to think where our lives (me and my family) would be if I hadn't gotten sick.

The other day I stepped down a step while holding a friend's arm. I said "Yaaaay!" That small thing would have made me cry in years past because I would have been disappointed to find joy in something so small. I didn't cry and that simple act made both me and my friend smile with gratitude.

I feel happy that I can appreciate the things in life that are all around me. It's true that they are usually free. Most of the things I enjoy don't cost anything to see, hear, smell, or touch. I feel grateful that I can appreciate those things even though to me they were once considered small.

Count Your Blessings

I just read the last few entries of my blog and I feel so grateful for the blessings God has given me. He has truly blessed me. I see it now but didn't see it then. I didn't think of them as blessings then. He blessed me even when I didn't ask for it because my heart was in the right place. Some parts of my life have been hard but now I see where he blessed me so my life wouldn't continue to be hard.

This song runs through my mind today and is truly how I feel:

Count Your Blessings

1. When upon life’s billows you are tempest-tossed,
When you are discouraged, thinking all is lost,
Count your many blessings; name them one by one,
And it will surprise you what the Lord has done.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

2. Are you ever burdened with a load of care?
Does the cross seem heavy you are called to bear?
Count your many blessings; ev’ry doubt will fly,
And you will be singing as the days go by.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

3. When you look at others with their lands and gold,
Think that Christ has promised you his wealth untold.
Count your many blessings; money cannot buy
Your reward in heaven nor your home on high.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

4. So amid the conflict, whether great or small,
Do not be discouraged; God is over all.
Count your many blessings; angels will attend,
Help and comfort give you to your journey’s end.

Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your blessings;
See what God hath done.
Count your blessings;
Name them one by one.
Count your many blessings;
See what God hath done.

I Feel Grateful

"...for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."  Ether 12:6

This scripture is so true. I felt angry (hurt) but read a book that helped me to have understanding. I wondered why people didn't care but when I went to church today more than one person said they loved me. I received a new VT companion and think we'll work well together. My new visiting teacher just visited me and left me feeling good.

God is blessing me with His tender mercy to let me know that He cares. 

I could have been angry back at the people who hurt me but who would that have affected? Me. Instead, I went to church, read a helpful book, and continued to have faith. Today God pours out blessings on me more than I can receive.

I think of the above scripture and the word that stands out is AFTER. He didn't bless me before I showed my faith and character. I showed Him how I wanted to be even when I'd been hurt. I didn't shrivel when faced with adversity (like the seeds on the rocks did when the sun beat down on them in the parable of the sower.) I complained and lamented but didn't let it defeat me. I was given the choice of how to react and chose to take the high road. As a result God blessed me.

I feel so grateful to know that He lives. He knows my heart and loves me.

I love the saying "when the student is ready the teacher appears." I have had this happen many times in my life. I'm like the pioneer who thinks about just taking one more step. Always striving for more and reaching a little higher. The pioneer's attitude inspires me and tells me "if I can do it then you can."

My gratitude doesn't express how I feel.

Gratitude

Thanksgiving is two days away and it causes me to reflect on the things I am grateful for. When I think of all I am blessed with...a lot of things come to mind, big and small. Here are some things I am thankful for this year:

Per is cooking Thanksgiving dinner so I don't have to
Having all five senses
Being able to walk
Freedom to be who and what I want to be and the freedom to express myself
Having a home
Warmth on cold days and air conditioning on hot days
Having food to eat and food on my shelves
Family
Friends
My church
The atonement
Forgiveness
Mercy
God
Jesus Christ
The Holy Ghost
Feeling the presence of the above three in my life
Justice and Laws that cause me to strive to do the right thing
Good books
Personal development
Awareness of things I didn't know

Mood Stages

So I've been dealing with MS for 7 months now-known what was wrong with me for 4 months. And I've noticed my moods have gone in stages. When I didn't know what was wrong with me, I was very patient. I actually surprised myself by being calm and patient...no hysteria. no why is this happening to me? no pity-party. I just waited patiently for the doctors to tell me what was wrong with me. During those 3 months, I did a lot of thinking.

I remember one day I was lying on my bed feeling kind of scared and a thought came to me...it could be worse. I started thinking about all the ways in which it could be worse. 1) I have problems with my eyesight but at least I don't have to face this trial in darkness. 2) I have problems walking but at least I "can" walk. As I thought about those things, something happened, I started to feel very grateful. Grateful that it wasn't worse.

Shortly after that I was sitting at the piano. (I've loved the piano since I could play it. I love to sing and play, it's like therapy to me...and sometimes a prayer. I have often played and sung for hours and my heart has swelled at the music. It clears my head, it's a thinking time for me, I can escape in the music and think. (I love it.) Here's my trial...my hands, especially the right hand, are weak. I can't hold my hands on the keys. I try to play, but I can't. As for my voice, I have no support from the diaphragm...I can't sing. The two things I love in all this world I can no longer do. As I sat there at the piano that day thinking about that, a strange thing happened, I was grateful. Grateful for the 20+ years I had to play and sing. Grateful that God have given me that time to spend with him. I knew that even if I never played or sang again in this lifetime, that those things would be restored to me in heaven. In eternity I would have the opportunity once again to play and sing and it gave me comfort knowing that. It made it okay.

At some point I realized that we become attached to our lives and to others and that is why we are afraid of death. We don't want to lose what we are used to or not have the people in our life that we love. But I realized that life doesn't end...it is eternal. We keep living even if it's not in "this" life...and the things I call "important" stand out to me. Family relationships, friends, being pure and clean to live in the presence of God. Those are things I can work on even in the midst of my trials.

It's been 7 months and my trial goes on. I've been taking Copaxone since October 1st and it has made such a difference. Within 2 weeks I had more control of my hands to the point that I could actually type. I could walk without feeling like I was twisting around...and even without assistance! I could walk on my own. I could talk better even though I still had "moments." (At least I wasn't avoiding talking to people. I talked on the phone with my sister and my friends and it meant so much to me.) I can type and sit at the computer now -  I have access to the outside world! There are a lot of things I "can" do and I'm glad that it's not worse.

I was thinking this morning what a bummer it is that I am not an early riser any more. I used to get up at 5:30 or 6:00am and read my scriptures for an hour or two, and now it's a miracle that I rise at 6:45 to make a shake for Andrew and say good-bye to him as he goes off to school. For the next hour I am waking up. I thought about writing a blog this morning and kind of felt like having a pity-party for myself because of all the things I can no longer do, or at least can't do as well in my mind. But as I sit here writing this blog, it occurs to me that there are a lot of things I 'can' do. I can either give in to pity and self-defeat and become a negative and bitter person, or I can be positive and see all the good things around me. I think I'll take #2 even though it takes more will-power. I know I'll feel better if I go with #2.

A person never knows what life is going to deal them. One day they could be going along thinking they're in control...eating a certain diet, exercising, doing the grind, in the comfort zone, and all of a sudden everything is shaken up. That's what happened to me. The mask of my life was removed and my life was exposed for everyone to see. But what I noticed was that people were nice they wanted to be helpful. Most people care - they don't mock me but are accepting. I'm still trying to get used to that. I want to hide, I want everyone to "think" I have it all under control - that my life is together. But I'm all exposed and vulnerable and everyone can see it. It's like I have no more "pride" because it's all out there for everyone to see. But I've realized that it's a good thing because I'm real. I'm not pretending, not hiding. What you see is what you get.

I wrote this in my journal the other day:
I have even turned away from God to some degree in not acknowledging his hand in all things. I've been trying to be brave and fine, and handle trials on my own and in that process, I've shut him out. After I handle my trial, then I'll turn to him. But here's what I've realized.

Being brave is like the outer shell of a crab, it's what I want the world to see, that I'm fine, I'm tough, I can handle my problems. But the Lord wants me to put off the natural man to put off that outer shell. When a crab takes off its shell, its exposed, vulnerable, just a crab. Nothing to hide. The Lord wants me to come to him with no shell. He wants me to invite him in so he can make my weak things become strong, so he can succor me. If I have my outer shell on, I cannot let him in. Taking off the shell, or putting off the natural man, is humbling myself and being submissive. It is coming to him and letting him in.

I like that. I want to walk through my life with Heavenly Father. I want him to be with me and to strengthen me. My trials may not be taken away, but he can make the load seem lighter. It gives me a lot of hope. I think the mood stage I'm in right now is a battle of my will. I will not give in to pity. I will not give in to negativity. I will put my trust in God and he will support me. For that I am grateful.