Courage and Guts

To me, courage and guts have the same meaning.
It takes guts and courage to:

face it head on
take control
take the lead
stand up
be brave
say "no"
many more things...

Here's the truth: Everyone has guts. I say go for it!

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

“If at first you don’t succeed try, try again.”

"Get back on the horse when it bucks you off."

“Keep going.”

“Do it. Don’t quit.”

All we can do is try - try and hope for the best. The result might be good but it also might be bad, but we'll never know unless we get the courage to try. Whatever the result is, I believe it's always better to try. It's always better to have courage and be brave. It builds courage to face "it" head on and believe "I can handle the outcome, no matter what it is."

Avoiding Subtle Traps

Control
What I want so much is to be heard and understood. I've learned that everyone hears and understands in their own way. When I am open to knowing about being heard and understood the way they hear and understand me it expands my mind. Everyone is free to be themselves and they don't have to do it my way. I truly believe a subtle trap is control.

Hiding
When first having MS symptoms I felt greatly exposed and wanted to hide. I felt ashamed about needing others to do for me what I couldn't (sweep my floor, make my bed, clean my house.) When others helped me I learned 1) it's humbling to me and 2) they show their love. I've had MS for a while so I'm used to having help. I ask myself, "If I never needed their help would I have seen their love?" I truly believe a subtle trap is wanting to hide - letting other's believe I don't need help when I do.

Dishonesty
It takes great courage and honesty to admit private and imperfect things (some people call them weaknesses.) Some things are swept under the rug and no one knows about them but who is affected by dishonesty? I am ... it's my character trait that says 'dishonest'. I've heard the statement "The truth hurts" and believe the statement is a subtle trap - dishonesty is what hurts ... the truth liberates.

Drama
Getting caught in drama is like being extremely close to the fire and not realizing being cooked. I find a great sense of relief by stepping away from the drama and remembering that it'll work out. Letting myself get worked up, worry, be angry or say something mean shows the kind of person I am. It's a subtle trap to keep me focused on unimportant things so I miss what's actually important.

All these things are subtle and I want to recognize subtle traps and avoid them.

Not Two Ways, Just One

Before getting MS I wanted everything to be perfect including me, my house and my family. Getting MS hit me so hard that all I could do was -focus on getting better and -focus on the things important to me. I let a lot of things in my life go - including appearances - and figured WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get).

Yes, I felt like people could see through me because I didn't hide anything. I couldn't hide my emotions even if I tried and felt greatly exposed. I used to say that I had no filter but now I know it's called PBA (uncontrollable laughing or crying). Most people can mask their feelings (not show when they feel like crying or laughing) but I can't; if I see someone laughing or crying I do the same. When I laugh too hard I start crying and that's why I don't joke anymore (even though I have a sense of humor). I look emotionless because I'm trying to hold it together and not lose it; I'm trying to maintain some kind of control over myself.

Yesterday, I bore my testimony in church. I got up and said things "off the cuff" and let the holy spirit guide me. Upon sitting down that all too familiar voice in my mind said that what I said was crap. The old me used to listen to that voice and believe it's damning words. I fell in line with the old me because when a few people told me they liked my testimony the old me shrugged off their compliments and disbelievingly said, "Really?" For the rest of the time at church I acted and felt insecure.

I'm not a person who thinks quickly (I call it "off the cuff"), I have to think about it for a while and let my rational mind kick in or else I'll just lash out with pure emotion. I thought about me acting insecure at church and realized, that's not me. My faith crushes doubts and insecurity.

One of the biggest blessings of me getting MS is that I used to be two ways (1-what the world saw, appearance, outer, 2-the real me, the unseen, inner), and now I'm just one way (the outer and inner me are the same). I want to be only one way. I strive to overcome my faults but I'm not perfect and have weaknesses (i.e. insecurity). The good news is that after my weakness shows I think about it and decide if it will remain.

In the case of insecurity, it will not remain. I am confident and sure and cross the point of no return leaving insecurity behind. It feels scary to be what I haven't always been in the past but I believe in myself, know God sustains me and act.

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. -Matthew 6:24

This scripture crosses my mind as I consider how I used to be two ways but now I'm just one way. Regarding insecurity I give myself a pep-talk and tell myself this, "Dare to be real. Have the faith to act knowing that sometimes acting is going into the unknown. Don't give in to your weaknesses but run the show, be in the lead, take charge. You're strong and you can do it."

Going For My Dreams

 

"The moment one definitely commits oneself,

Then providence moves too.

All sorts of things occur to help one

That would never otherwise have occurred.

A whole stream of events issues from the decision,

Raising in one’s favor all manner of unforeseen incidents

And meetings and material assistance

Which no man could have dreamed would have come his way.

Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it.

Boldness has genius, power and magic in it.

Begin it now."

The statement (on a plaque I purchased several years ago) to make a decision, to be committed, is so true. The automatic thought is to think the worst; an effort has to be made to think the best (for example the automatic thought is "maybe it will suck" instead of "maybe it will be good".) I totally believe that all sorts of [good] things occur when someone has the courage to not only decide (for example thinking "maybe it will be good" instead of "maybe it will suck") and trying.

The above statement says a lot of words that could make a person say, "Huh?" More to the point:

Commit yourself, decide, and

Believe that good things lie ahead.

Many good things will happen in your favor.

Have the courage to go for your dreams.

Decide and Do It now.

Teaching in YW This Coming Sunday

I'm preparing to teach in YW this week; recently I received a calling to be a teacher in YW. It's a surreal experience to be in with the girls again after not being with them for almost six years. I don't doubt my ability but have insecure feelings because of not having a Sunday calling for so long. Instead of focusing on my doubts I'll remember what I read in my book called Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway. It said 'act as if'. Those words have helped me before. Here goes: I am: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest.

I'd rather state good things than doubts. This statement also encourages me and reminds me to have faith not fear:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. 'Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. WE WERE BORN TO MAKE MANIFEST THE GLORY OF GOD THAT IS WITHIN US. It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone and as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'

-Marianne Williamson

(quotations, italics, underline, and uppercase added for emphasis)

I'm looking forward to teaching on Sunday.

Because I'm Happy...

This is cute (click here) It's a Stake Presidency lib dubbing (lip synching and audio dubbing in a video) to Pharrell William's song "Happy" (made for Despicable Me 2).

Happiness seems to be a state of mind. When I feel sad I can feel happy by what I focus on (thoughts, music, movies, images, words, ...). If I feel down in the dumps I can soon feel happy if I think about happy things.

I'd rather feel happy than sad. I hear, "But sometimes I feel sad and it means I'm gonna be sad." I don't believe that. I don't agree that my feelings determine my life. I believe that I determine my life. I'm in charge of my life, not at the mercy of my feelings. Maybe the thought is, "Well you're brave, but I don't dare do it." It's not that I'm brave but that I do it even though I'm scared. I've faced scary things because they were in my face. My choices were 1-face it, 2-be controlled by it. I did #1 because I hate to be controlled. I didn't know what would happen when I faced it, but what happened is ... I got stronger, the fearful things in my mind didn't happen and instead I knew I could do it; I knew I could face hard things because I did it.

I've had numerous experiences like that over many years and grown strong in several ways. Plenty of my doubts and fears have gone away and I hope the same for everyone. People are strong but they don't realize their strength until they have to be strong. I say when bad feelings come, "Direct your life, don't fall victim to it. You're strong and you can do it. Think happy thoughts, focus on happy things and be happy."

I Did It...and It Felt Great

The thought came to me (yes, in the bathroom) that wanting and doing things are different. I thought about the differences and it comes down to one word: excuses. I may want it but give  reasons why I won't get it. They may be valid reasons, logical reasons but in the end-when all those reasons are stripped away, they become excuses that hold me back, that keep me the same and that cause me to never change.

When I do it, it's the point of no return. I said it and can't take it back because now it's out there. I did it and things will never be the same again-life moves forward not backward. Changing is hard and a lot of times uncomfortable because it's leaving what I know and going to what I don't. New territory is unfamiliar and sometimes I feel afraid of the unknown and it stops me from even starting.

I hear 'dare', 'try', 'just do it' and all those things are easier said than done. Change is hard but it is also one step closer to my goal. Those words all have one word in common: courage. It's taking the leap of faith, stepping into the unknown, hoping for good things, and trusting that it can be done.

Excuses are negative and don't bring good things. Courage is hard, sometimes there's failure, but in doing it instead of just wishing it I act and can look back with no regret. Courage is positive, its the high road, it's the uphill climb, and, to me, it's worth it.

Extending a Helping Hand

I love lighthouses. I love how they shine their lights for ships to say, "Watch out for the rocks!" The warning is such a nice thing to do. Just think, if the lighthouse wasn't there the ship could crash! Sometimes I feel like a lighthouse. I tell people what I know and hope it helps them. My philosophy is that if I know it then I'll tell it. Why would I keep it to myself and make it harder on them? What if they never learn what I knew? I tell what I know and get off the hook.

I believe that anyone who speaks up is a lighthouse. (Logically speaking, they spoke up and possibly saved someone from harm.) Friends do that-they say helpful and honest things because they care. I think to myself, 'Why not care and be nice?'

 

My Opportunity to be Brave

Whenever something might upset the other person it's best to distract them then do it quickly. For example:

• When ripping off a Band-Aid, first think of something nice then, while thinking of it, rip it off as fast as possible.
• When giving a child a shot, have someone say, "Look at me!" then give 'em the shot as fast as possible and say, "All done! That wasn't so bad now was it?! You were brave!"
• When a parent drops their child off somewhere and the child starts crying the teacher diverts their attention to something else so the parent can leave.

Per has traveled our entire married life. This has been no big deal to me because I've always been at work. Now that I don't work and am home all the time I miss him when he leaves. My logical mind says, "If he were home he'd be doing his own thing." True. But my emotional mind says, "Yes, but at least he'd be home."

I'm fine during the day because I always have something to do. It's at night (when we hang out) that I distract myself by watching or reading something good. Here's me distracting myself: I'm fine. I'm brave. I can handle anything that comes my way. If the cowardly lion in The Wizard of Oz can have courage I can too.

Daring to be Different

When I was younger I wanted nothing more than to be like everyone else. I didn't want to stand out but wanted to fit in. I remember crying in first grade when I asked my mom if I had to have the name 'Jade' in heaven and she said yes. I wanted my name to be common and printed on a pencil. In high school I remember hearing "Dare to stand alone". The leaders where I lived often spoke about daring to be a diamond in the rough and being one who stood out...they had a point. The one who stands out makes more of an impact than the one in a crowd of alike people.

This picture says it all.

I have the opportunity to possibly influence someone's life for the better if I'll just have the resolve to stand up for my beliefs. So many people need a friend. I say to myself, "Why not be that friend?"

How I Had Courage Instead of Fear

My body reminded me again that it's sick. A few days ago I went to bed and every time I sat up I felt really dizzy. I thought that maybe it would stop when closing my eyes but that just made it worse. I laid in the dark and felt very woozy. For the next few days the dizziness was bearable and even forgotten in the daylight. Then recently, while sitting in my office, a wave of dizziness washed over me, followed by me feeling like I was on a roller coaster as stationary things on my desk seemed to spin, followed by me feeling really hot, followed by me feeling sick. I sat in my downstairs chair and thought about how I hadn't felt like that since initially getting sick five years ago.

I felt fine while sitting in my chair, but every time I moved the dizziness came back. Per helped me walk from my chair to the stairs so that I wouldn't fall. (I'm sure he felt worried but he put on a brave face for me.) I awoke in the middle of the night and when I sat up the dizziness hit me. I bumped into the door when walking to the bathroom (which I'm sure awoke Per) and felt sad when getting back into bed.

I laid there in the dark feeling scared. I didn't know for how long the dizziness would last - maybe a short time but maybe forever! Tears welled up in my eyes and I felt sad. After a little while of feeling terrible I thought No! I'm not gonna lay here and feel sad when I don't know what will happen. God knows my fate and I give my life to him. Think good things. I thought of my favorite story about how trials are like clouds but there is sunshine and clear sky above the clouds. I thought about good things and the sad feeling went away. 

Sad things happen to me but I won't dwell on them - it is what it is. What am I gonna do? Live my life, that's what! I refuse to give in to defeat. I'd rather have courage than fear. The sadness persists until I choose not to be sad and until I think happy things that change my attitude. (Five years ago I would have allowed the sad thoughts and bad feelings to overcome my mood.) Being sick isn't fun but - as crazy as it sounds - my trial has given me better self-esteem and correct thinking. Maybe it's a silly thing to say but I'm grateful for my trial; I'm an improved person. I step back and remember my goal (to have eternal life) and every challenge I face is worth it if it gets me closer to what I want. That night, I felt scared about having a new symptom but not for very long.

Easing My Burdens

I compare trials to The Lord of the Rings. The ring was killing Frodo but when he got to Mt. Doom and held the ring over the fire, he couldn't let it go and instead kept it - he said, "The ring is mine!" 

Some of my burdens are hard, perhaps I feel like they are killing me, but if I hold on to my burdens and don't change to make things better, I just drive myself crazy wishing things were different. I'm a strong person and capable of taking the first step to make things better in my life. 

I know that when I have burdens it's helpful to believe things will be better, to have hope in my heart, and to think good things. (Things don't always look good when I make changes; sometimes I wonder if I should go back, but when I keep moving forward and tell myself that one day the future will be bright, it happens and I feel so happy!)

I don't always get what I want, but I always get what's best for me. Sometimes I make life harder when I don't accept reality and instead want the past. (Divinely speaking: It seems like when I put my trust in God's hands, give my control to Him, and submit my will to Him my life goes better.)

I want to be in charge of my life and be happy, therefore I will do my best to make changes in my life when I'm not happy. I hope change will ease my burdens.

Living in the World but Not Being Worldly

When in high school, often I heard "Be in the world but not of the world." One high school year, my seminary had the theme "Not of the World." Then, leaders of my church often talked about standing out and being different. I remember hearing a talk about being different where the speaker used clean-cut missionaries as an example. He said that if the world became clean-cut, the missionaries would do the opposite to stand out. I grew up hearing "stand out."

I don't want to be one of the millions, I am unique - no one else is exactly like me. I'm used to being different; I've been different than other people for most of my life. For example I'm left handed, taller than most girls (and a lot of guys), Hawaiian, Mormon, A teenage mother, chronically ill, married to a foreign man, dark brown haired, brown eyed, used to moving (having moved 20 times before the age of 17), an admirer of sci-fi/fantasy films, and a person who enjoys hearing choral music and opera.

My differences could be considered weird, but they could also be considered to give me character and make me unique. I may live in this world, but I won't go anywhere or do anything not chosen. I'm not afraid to stand out - even when standing alone.