I Choose Happiness

Things are changing all around me and all I can do is be myself. I can't control what other people do but I can control what I do. What I know is that I don't want to control. Things will be how they are. They might control my environment, but they can't control my mind. They might think they control my mind by telling me how to be, but until they control my thoughts they don't control me. What I know externally as freedom may one day change, but internally I'll always be free.

2nd Day in a Row, Baby!

Again I got up early, made my bed and did the dishes. (This time Per had already cleaned most of the dishes, but I washed the pots and did it nonetheless!) I remember hating to do dishes and if I had to do it every day I'd still hate it, but today I'm grateful that I had the energy to do it!

I look at being able to get up early, make my bed and do the dishes as a miracle. It's been six years since I had the desire or energy to do it! I never thought I'd say that I felt happy to clean, but you miss things once you can't do them. You know me, I'm a religious person, and I thank God for this gift!

Putting It Into Perspective

"Once there was a little bird who decided to stay in the north for the winter. The weather soon turned cold. The bird reluctantly decided to fly south. Ice began to form on his wings. Almost frozen, he fell to earth in a pasture. A cow wandered by and crapped on the little bird. Our feathered friend thought it was the end, but the manure was warm and defrosted his wings. Warm, happy, and able to breathe he started to sing. Just then a cat came by. Hearing the chirping he investigated. The cat cleared away the manure, found the singing bird, and promptly ate him.

The moral of the story is: The one who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. The one who pulls you out of a pile of manure is not necessarily your friend."

I love that story, it's so true! To me it puts burdens in perspective and causes me to think that maybe my burden isn't just bad, maybe it's also good. My burden is awful...but when I look at it in another way it's helpful. I'm not so close to the forest now (my burden) that I can once again see the trees. I've had my MS diagnosis for almost six years and can now look at it objectively. It doesn't hurt me like it did even last year. (Maybe time needs to give distance between a person and their burden, because if the person is still mad they don't want to hear reason but feel support.)

I don't want to tell anyone how to think or feel, I just say that for me I can now look at my burden objectively. When I feel sad or mad I do things that make me happy. Maybe I watch a good movie, talk to a friend, listen to nice music, read an uplifting book, write, go to lunch or take a ride. Whatever I do distracts me for that time from the reality of my burden. I'm my true self and not handicapped at those times. I endure my burden and today feel happiness.

I Love Good Things

My husband makes me happy, I love talking to him! Some people drift apart after being married a while, but after 23 years I love him more today than in 1990 :) I'm thankful for happy things, and I'm grateful that they brighten my life!

I'm glad that happiness exists in the world. Some people are Debbie Downer and bring others down. How sad to bring down and not lift; I wonder if they consider how they'll be remembered after they die. It might be easier to be grumpy but what mindset does that include?

Happy, happy, happy. If that's childish then I'm a child because I choose to be happy. Happiness, love, kindness, tolerance, acceptance, patience ... thoughts of those things make me feel good. I love to feel good and think good things. With a smile on my face I'm off to blow-dry my hair and get ready for church, bye! :)

Because I'm Happy...

This is cute (click here) It's a Stake Presidency lib dubbing (lip synching and audio dubbing in a video) to Pharrell William's song "Happy" (made for Despicable Me 2).

Happiness seems to be a state of mind. When I feel sad I can feel happy by what I focus on (thoughts, music, movies, images, words, ...). If I feel down in the dumps I can soon feel happy if I think about happy things.

I'd rather feel happy than sad. I hear, "But sometimes I feel sad and it means I'm gonna be sad." I don't believe that. I don't agree that my feelings determine my life. I believe that I determine my life. I'm in charge of my life, not at the mercy of my feelings. Maybe the thought is, "Well you're brave, but I don't dare do it." It's not that I'm brave but that I do it even though I'm scared. I've faced scary things because they were in my face. My choices were 1-face it, 2-be controlled by it. I did #1 because I hate to be controlled. I didn't know what would happen when I faced it, but what happened is ... I got stronger, the fearful things in my mind didn't happen and instead I knew I could do it; I knew I could face hard things because I did it.

I've had numerous experiences like that over many years and grown strong in several ways. Plenty of my doubts and fears have gone away and I hope the same for everyone. People are strong but they don't realize their strength until they have to be strong. I say when bad feelings come, "Direct your life, don't fall victim to it. You're strong and you can do it. Think happy thoughts, focus on happy things and be happy."

The Happiness I Feel

This is cute :) Click here

I love my things but if a tornado took them all away, eventually I'd feel happy because everything I need is already in my heart. 'Of course' I'd feel sad for a while because a tornado and losing my things would be devastating! But I wouldn't let the sadness permanently affect my mood. Just like with my MS, one day I'd say, "Enough!" Then, once again, I'd determine how I feel.

Feeling happy is my choice, and it's something I face everyday. I ask myself, "Will I rise above the unfair thing and not let it affect me?" I used to let things affect my happiness. If something didn't go right I attacked myself. I'm a perfectionist who likes perfect things, and when things didn't go perfectly, or when I did something wrong, or when someone was mean to me, or when I ruined something, or when I didn't accomplish everything on my list, or when I burned dinner I thought rotten things about myself.

What I know now is that the world is not fair; nothing in this world is perfect and that's okay; I'm not always gonna do things right but I'm always gonna do my best, what people say and do is a reflection of them not me, sometimes things get ruined but I'll try as much as possible to avoid it, and sometimes dinners don't turn out the way I want but the important thing is that I tried.

I want to have a happy heart and know that more than just wanting it I must do what it takes to make it so. I live in the western world which means that I love things. But I know that 'things' don't determine my happiness.

Do What You Love and Have No Regrets

We All Have to Work

I want to talk about artists. I believe an artist is anyone who does what they love. Therefore, an artist could be an accountant who loves numbers, a builder who loves building, a painter who loves painting, an electrician who loves electricity, a salesperson who loves selling, as well as an actor who loves acting, a singer who loves singing, a photographer who loves taking pictures, and the list goes on.

Art gets confused with Fine Art (which includes what is typically thought of when hearing "art"). I believe that all art is important, and that it's imperative for everyone to do what they love. People who do what they love don't have mid-life crises and change to do what they love because they are doing it. I truly think that a mid-life crisis happens because of regret, and because the person finally gets up the courage to do what they love.

Don't Waste Time

True, some people don't know what they love until later in life. They do what they do well (which includes what they love) until one day they think something like, I've been doing this for years but it's not what I love so I'm gonna stop doing that and do this instead. (They'll have to start at the beginning of doing what they love but they don't mind because it's exciting and gives them energy.)

Doing Things Just to Pay the Bills Doesn't Help You

For people who consider not doing what they love, they need to trust that when they do what they truly love they will have what they need. Others respond to things done out of love; they give freely because they feel happy. Do what you love and make someone's day, instead of forcing them to love what you don't.

People Who Do What They Love Have No Regrets

Do what you love - for your health and happiness. You won't regret it.

God Cares

I sat in the yellow chair in my kitchen, feeling very sad and crying to my husband about the unfairness of something. All I could think to do was to pray to God in my mind and tell Him about all the things I didn't understand. My husband left the room, and I continued to feel sad. My thoughts took over and I didn't stay aware as I reflected. I don't know when the shift occurred, but I became aware that I was thinking of what I loved about God. To me, the miracle is that my attitude shifted and instead I felt happy.

Here are some of the things I thought about when I became aware: I love how God sees my potential. I love how He encourages me (often through others). I love how He gives me the courage to do what I consider impossible. I love how He forgives me every time I ask for forgiveness. I love how He cares about me. I love how He wants good for me.

Life, Death, and Grieving

I existed before this life, and I will exist after; this life is not the only life in eternity. Granted, this life is important. Here, I receive a body, get married, have children, feel both good and bad, have experiences, and make choices. BUT, this life isn't my ONLY life.

My friend's husband recently died. She's grieving. I would never tell her to 'be happy' because she's sad. She needs friendship not judgment. No amount of anyone's happiness (including mine) will change her outlook, when her heart stops hurting long enough for her to even think of something other than her grief, then maybe she'll consider other things. 

My MS trial causes me to relate to her. I can relate to her because I know what it's like to grieve something that's gone; to grieve life being changed forever; and to grieve having to accept a 'new normal'. I know that grieving takes a while; I was sad for a long time, even years. I said, "This sucks!," and cried a lot. Only the passage of time caused my pain not to sting so bad. I didn't realize the reality of my attitude until when reading some of my early journal entries. Upon reading, I could hear sadness and frustration in my words, and could tell that I faced something hard. I don't know if it's possible for anyone not to be negative when initially facing adversity, but I do know that it's unrealistic and fake for anyone to force themselves to be happy when they're not. 

My friend needs time to grieve because she's facing something hard. I hope she won't grieve forever and never resume living her life. I hope that when the time is right, she will pull herself up by her metaphorical boot straps, and say, "Enough."  She had no control over stopping her hard thing from happening, but she does have control over her actions. Maybe it will ease her pain to hear a 'survivor' say that when their focus was on their ability (what they could control,) and not their trial, coping was easier.

Being sad forever, and never progressing in life isn't helpful in any way. It's of no help to replay, in my mind, memories that keep me sad. Life isn't fair. Not ever picking myself up, never moving on, staying depressed, or not ever progressing hurts me tremendously. I only have one life on earth, why would I choose to waste it being sad, angry, upset, depressed, or mad?

When I die, I don't want my loved ones who still live, to stop living their lives; I want them to live as if I had never died. In eternity, when we all look back at our earth lives, I hope we will see progression and have no regrets.

Contentment (Happiness)

Recently, I heard someone talk about being content, and I appreciate their words. I haven't always felt the contentment that I feel now. I used to feel frustrated because I wished to have something that I didn't. I might have wished to live in another place, or to have another job, or for people to make the 'right' choices, or to earn more money, or to have different things. I thought, 'if only [something]' then I'd be happy.

Basically, I felt mad about what I didn't have, I didn't accept my life, and, frankly, I didn't want to. I wanted the thing I didn't have and I wouldn't be happy until I got it. I didn't know that accepting my life meant feeling happy about the things I did have, and being happy while trying to get what I wanted. Bottom line accepting my life meant counting my blessings, seeing the doughnut not the hole, and realizing that the cup was half full not half empty.

The speaker said there were two things that could make me unhappy: 1) Comparing myself to others, and 2) not forgiving. I see how those two things could hold me back from living my life, and keep me angry instead of happy. Hearing the speaker made me think of this:

First, when comparing myself to anyone else, I wish I had/did/could be what they have/do/are; I think,they're great and I suck. When they get a break, instead of feeling happy for them, I feel jealous. I truly believe this: They are my enemy and I hate them because I wish I was like them. (I would never admit that out loud, but in my heart it's how I feel.) When I only compare me to myself, I try to become improved. I don't hate myself or say, "I suck," but honestly tell myself the truth and strive to become better. I'm not perfect, sometimes I make mistakes, but as I learn from my mistakes I become improved. 

Second, when I don't forgive, it hurts me way more than it ever hurts them (if it even hurts them at all.) When I don't forgive them, I just replay the unfairness in my mind and feel justified in believing, "I'm right and you're wrong." If I would let the unfairness go, I would never think of it's sting and carry on with my life. Life isn't fair. After the unfairness blows over, I have a choice to make, will I 1) continue to be mad, or 2) let it go and be happy?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become bitter. I may feel justified, but every time I think about it, I'll get more mad. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the thing, but letting it go so that I'm free and not controlled. Forgiveness is truly for me not them; it is for my heart, not theirs. Nobody's perfect, somebody will eventually do something that hurts me. The question is, when they hurt me will I retaliate or mercifully let it go?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become arrogant. I will think of the unfair situation and wonder, 'How could they do that to ME?' I will tell myself that I won't forgive them unless they grovel at my feet and beg for mercy. I ask two things: 1) If the tables were turned, would I want to grovel? 2) If the tables were turned, wouldn't I want the other person to show me compassion? I hope I will be kind.

I believe what I heard about contentment, that unfair comparisons and non-forgiveness keeps me from feeling happy. I hope that I will -be happy for what others have, -only compare myself to me, -let unfairness go, and -be happy. I really loved hearing that talk.

Easing My Burdens

I compare trials to The Lord of the Rings. The ring was killing Frodo but when he got to Mt. Doom and held the ring over the fire, he couldn't let it go and instead kept it - he said, "The ring is mine!" 

Some of my burdens are hard, perhaps I feel like they are killing me, but if I hold on to my burdens and don't change to make things better, I just drive myself crazy wishing things were different. I'm a strong person and capable of taking the first step to make things better in my life. 

I know that when I have burdens it's helpful to believe things will be better, to have hope in my heart, and to think good things. (Things don't always look good when I make changes; sometimes I wonder if I should go back, but when I keep moving forward and tell myself that one day the future will be bright, it happens and I feel so happy!)

I don't always get what I want, but I always get what's best for me. Sometimes I make life harder when I don't accept reality and instead want the past. (Divinely speaking: It seems like when I put my trust in God's hands, give my control to Him, and submit my will to Him my life goes better.)

I want to be in charge of my life and be happy, therefore I will do my best to make changes in my life when I'm not happy. I hope change will ease my burdens.

Be of Good Cheer

It's hard to "be of good cheer" when you have little or no hope.

I went to a doctor last year who said to me "there's nothing I can do." She said no medicine existed for the kind of MS I had. Then I never saw her again. She didn't ask me to schedule a follow-up appointment with her and I felt like she didn't care. For ten months I lived in a constant state a limbo. I called it that because I never knew if that day would be my last. I thought what's the use with my life, I'm just gonna die! I never wanted to kill myself but I had no hope for my future happiness.

Last month as I drove and listened to the radio (which I never do, because I hate commercials, I only listened to the radio because I wanted to listen to something and didn't know how to make the satellite radio work) a commercial came that said something like "If you have MS you might qualify for our clinical trial..." I thought oh my gosh! and turned up the volume to hear who would say this. I went directly home and looked the company up on the internet. I felt shocked to realize a medical group existed in the town next to mine that focused on treating people with MS! I wondered how I had never heard of them. I also wondered why none of my previous doctors had mentioned this group. I thought I've had MS for two years and could have used their help!

I knew I liked them when I watched their videos. I scheduled an appointment and went there in March. I had a barage of tests done including telling them my history, having three MRI's (brain, neck, and spine,) having a neurological evaluation, having a sleep study (including spending the night), having an eye study, and giving blood. I just went there again yesterday for a follow-up appointment and felt disappointed when I learned that my previous doctors hadn't sent them my records. I could feel my heart swell when I learned that my MRI's showed very few lesions in my brain. Furthermore, they showed no lesions on my neck or spine. The doctor said that my neurological eval, sleep and eye study were all fine. He said that the thing they checked for in my blood came back negative (which is good!) He only didn't give me a diagnosis because he wanted to wait until he had learned my history and had seen all of my MRI's.

My first doctor said he couldn't help me. My second doctor had a terrible bedside manner. He also indicated that I had a bad attitude. My third doctor forgot about me. This is my fourth doctor, let's hope it's my last!

The nurse gave me hope when he said he wasn't sure that I had the rare form of MS (PPMS.) He said that since I'd had symptoms that went away, it sounded like an attack. People who have PPMS don't have attacks. He said he wanted to review my previous tests and MRI's to make sure I had received the correct diagnosis.

I think a person's level of happiness is dependent upon the level of hope they have.

Last Night

Here's my attempt at writing something that happened to me:

The bed was soft as I comfortably lay on it playing Angry Birds and Solitaire on my iPod. Before I turned out the light I whipped the covers off me and swung my feet over the side of the bed, stood up and crouched down to the floor to pray. Immediately, upon kneeling down, the pain began shooting up my leg. Ouch! my right knee. I forgot that I was being gentle on my knee and letting it heal from the injury I caused when I knelt on it and twisted wrong one night getting into bed. Back then, I knew I tore something because the side of my knee on the inside of my leg hurt when I touched it. For the last two weeks I had gotten into bed bum first then swung my legs around and scooted and adjusted myself until I found my comfy spot in bed. It was much easier getting into bed using my knee because I could pull myself up to where I wanted to lay and fall back onto the pillow. And, there wasn't as much scooting and adjusting involved.

Kneeling on the floor was not as comfortable as it used to be even on both knees. It's probably because I'm old and out of shape I thought. I shifted from right knee to left. Nope, that still hurts. I knelt on the front and back of each knee, and when I realized I wasn't going to get comfortable I started praying. The pain went away, or I forgot about it, and I focused on what I said. My prayer wasn't very long and when I stood up I did a face-plant on the bed. I used the bathroom for the final time then turned out my light and got into bed, bum first.

It was dark as I put the mask connected to my breathing machine over my nose. I got the mask and machine in 2000 because I have sleep apnea and used to snore loudly. Per shook the bed when I started to snore and I would stop (I really just woke up.) Now, as a result, I am a very light sleeper. (Honestly, I knew I snored because I felt my throat relax but I couldn't help it, getting the machine was a relief.) I reached over to my night stand and pushed the ON button of the machine. Air began blowing into my mask and I relaxed.

Laying snugly in bed, my thoughts turned to Uncle Carl and Aunt Leonette telling me I needed to forgive and move on with my life. Next thing I know, the buckle of my mask came off and air swished around my face from the machine. Darn mask! I thought to myself and fixed the buckle in the dark. When the mask covered my nose tightly, I carefully pulled the right strap down by my jaw so it didn't curl my ear.

Again I lay in silence waiting to fall asleep. I didn't move so the buckle wouldn't come off and my thoughts returned to Carl and Leonette. I went to church with them my first Sunday in Utah and had lunch at their house afterward. I wanted answers about my family that I wondered as a result of writing my book and I knew they would tell me the truth. Uncle Carl had known grandma and palled around with her so I thought he was a good person to ask. At the end of our conversation, and lunch, Leonette said to me "it sounds like you need to forgive and move on with your life". She was right, I had been holding grudges and thinking "if only" when that's not how it "was" no matter how hard I wished. Before I left, she asked me if I wanted Uncle Carl to give me a blessing. No one in my family had given me a blessing before and I said "yes" with excitement. After the blessing and wiping the tears from my eyes Leonette said "that was from God just for you".

A warm tear rolled down my face into my left ear and I choked up with my mask on as I thought about them. I lay in the dark for the next hour tearing up and wiping my eyes as I thought about forgiving and moving on, my family, and the many ways God has blessed my life. Despite my challenges, I am happy...truly happy.

Mormon Messages: My New Life

This really touched me, especially the part where she said "...I am not my body..." How true.

Singing Monks

I thought you'd like a laugh today. This is Hillarious!!

Life is Good!

I read an excellent book yesterday called "Consider the Butterfly" by Carol Lynn Pearson. I remember reading her poems on the back of the Ensign in 7th grade, and my mom had her book "Beginnings" which was a collection of her poems. I came across this book (the butterfly one) years ago and it was no coincidence! It is about Syncronicity, the subtititle of the book says "transforming your life through meaningful coincidence" It's little stories of her experiences where she noticed coincidences in her life - very touching.

I gave the book away a few years ago to a young woman who I thought would really love it, but ever since then I've missed having a copy of my own. So I ordered one and I read the whole thing yesterday. Her words really touched me. It was like one those moments sitting in a big fluffy chair with a blanket wrapped around me and sighing - ahhhhhh - it felt so good.

I was looking on her website this morning because I wanted to get a copy of the book for my mom, I think she would really like it. As I was browsing her website, I clicked on the tab that said "telephone consultation" and read what it had to say. At the bottom there were three comments from people who really benefitted from talking to her. I thought-I don't feel like I need to have counseling, I don't feel like I need to talk to someone. My cup is full. I'm okay.

That was so huge for me! I started thinking how I've experienced healing of different things over the last 5 years, and how happy I am today. I don't need counseling, I've found what works for me and I've drawn closer to God, who is my biggest supporter! I just really appreciated realizing that.

One of my favorite quotes is "when the student is ready, the teacher appears" Isn't that so true? When we are ready to progress, somehow the thing we need appears before us. I have been a student and my teacher has appered several times in various ways. One of my teachers was this book. It reminded me of things I know are true. 1) everyone wants to be acknowledged. Once I was lonely and wanted to be heard. I'll never forget the day that I saw on my husband's face that he was really hearing me and it felt like we were meeting again for the very first time. It was healing. A space was created for the two of us to grow together.

2) the true voice speaks love. There are so many voices to listen to and I listened to negative ones for a long time. I remember the first time I prayed and really felt God's presence wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I felt so loved. I want to pay that forward in the way I speak to others. I learned once that there are two forms of honesty - negative and positive. There is an opposite to everything. It is up to me to speak love. Love creates. I want to create, not destroy.

Isn't that great?! I'm grateful for that book and the things that I learned. I'm okay, and it feels good!