Avoiding Subtle Traps

Control
What I want so much is to be heard and understood. I've learned that everyone hears and understands in their own way. When I am open to knowing about being heard and understood the way they hear and understand me it expands my mind. Everyone is free to be themselves and they don't have to do it my way. I truly believe a subtle trap is control.

Hiding
When first having MS symptoms I felt greatly exposed and wanted to hide. I felt ashamed about needing others to do for me what I couldn't (sweep my floor, make my bed, clean my house.) When others helped me I learned 1) it's humbling to me and 2) they show their love. I've had MS for a while so I'm used to having help. I ask myself, "If I never needed their help would I have seen their love?" I truly believe a subtle trap is wanting to hide - letting other's believe I don't need help when I do.

Dishonesty
It takes great courage and honesty to admit private and imperfect things (some people call them weaknesses.) Some things are swept under the rug and no one knows about them but who is affected by dishonesty? I am ... it's my character trait that says 'dishonest'. I've heard the statement "The truth hurts" and believe the statement is a subtle trap - dishonesty is what hurts ... the truth liberates.

Drama
Getting caught in drama is like being extremely close to the fire and not realizing being cooked. I find a great sense of relief by stepping away from the drama and remembering that it'll work out. Letting myself get worked up, worry, be angry or say something mean shows the kind of person I am. It's a subtle trap to keep me focused on unimportant things so I miss what's actually important.

All these things are subtle and I want to recognize subtle traps and avoid them.

Before and After Sinning

I love this journal entry
April 28, 2007

I’ve been thinking about where I’d be if I didn’t have Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost and the gospel in my life. I’d be a vile person full of darkness and sin. I’d be imprisoned by my sins, bound by no self control. I’d be carnal and full of mischief.

I have weaknesses that would have spiraled out of control and consumed my life. I’d be a slave to my weaknesses today if it weren’t for the goodness and mercy of Jesus Christ - if it weren’t for the fact that I know I’m not vile – I’m a divine daughter of God with beauty and purity. I happen to be living in a fallen state, in a fallen world. I am susceptible to my weaknesses and sin and only one person can save me from myself – the Lord Jesus Christ – He is my master. I will follow him forever and he walks with me.

I am not and never will be free from sin in this lifetime. I try to live with purity and keep the commandments. I pray, read the scriptures, and live by faith and good works. But inevitably I will sin. I will again fall and give in to my weaknesses.

Before sinning
Something happens. It consumes me and my thoughts until I must give in. Amidst the darkness – a light – a fleeting thought. No. Stop. You mustn’t.

After sinning
I stop. I retreat. I hide. How could I give in? This is not my true nature. Time goes by. Guilt. Sorrow. Remorse. And then the thought, where would I be without God? I’d be stuck here! Oh God, help me. Save me. I am not vile. I give my life to thee. Save me from myself. Save me from this fallen state. Reflection.

“Awake! My soul. No longer droop in sin.”

“The Lord is my shepherd ~ I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his namesake!
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
- I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over!
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord.
Forever.”

“Why should I put my trust in the arm of the flesh or make flesh my arm?
I know in whom I put my trust.
Oh Lord, wilt thou encircle me in the robes of thy righteousness?
Wilt thou remove the stumbling block from before me and place a stumbling block before my enemy?
Thou art my rock and my everlasting God.”

Sunlight. A new day. Peace.
A beckoning, “Come unto me.”
Warmth. Forgiveness. Love.

Resolve
“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

My thoughts
I experienced this today. This experience is very enlightening. First, my weakness didn’t consume me – it didn’t defeat me. I didn’t hide from God even though I felt ashamed and disappointed. Second, an interesting thought came into my mind as I reflected, “I’m not vile – I’m divine. I’m a daughter of God.” I’ve never had so much faith. I cannot write 1/10 of what I feel – the words escape me. But the Lord is my shepherd.

'What I Say' and 'What I Do' Need to Match

I complained to my husband and he said, "But you're the same way so you really can't complain". His comment made me stop and think Yeah, why is it that I do that?  He's so right, I do the same thing and have no right to speak against it. On one hand I believed, "If you don't try to fix it then don't complain" and on the other hand I did the opposite.

I think many people do that; their beliefs relate to other people but not to them. (I was part of that group until he pointed it out and I realized I wanted to change.) Change means 'Do differently'. I know I can change, not just recognize it but actually do it. I want to improve, therefore I'm willing to make corrections and acknowledge the truth.

It takes honesty and courage to change. Honesty to acknowledge the truth; courage to indeed change. It's a private thing (change) but what the public sees is improvement and a better person than before. Is it obvious that I'm psyching myself up to change?

Be Nice 'Cuz Sticks and Stones Hurt When They're Thrown at People

When I see other people in pictures if I don't like the picture I would never post a mean comment. Bullying seems to be so much worse today than years ago. With the advancement of technology and the ability for people to comment on things, some people say things they would never say to a person's face; they are so bold and hide behind being anonymous on the internet. If their login name is 'jokester' how would anyone ever know its them? Even if their login is their real name, they don't care because they're typing a comment on their computer not saying it in person.

Today on Facebook, I saw a post about cyber bullying. A girl posted a picture of herself in a bikini and some comments were nice but some were really mean. She posted a comment saying that she knew there would be bullying posts, but she posted a picture of herself as a freshman because as a senior and doing a research paper on cyber bullying she said the comments would prove her point.

Why not try to rise above mean behavior to be kind? If saying mean things is the inclination then why not try to change it? Everyone can improve. I say, "Try".

Is Kindness Diminishing?

People are outside mowing their lawns early on Sunday morning. What happened to courtesy? What happened to waiting until later to do things that might bother others? Is it just where I live? I feel disturbed by the selfishness I hear but maybe it only happens in my neighborhood.

I hope that at some point those people will think of someone besides themselves. I can only hope but the choice belongs to them. What they do is not up to me, but I can maybe influence their choice by my words. I feel like I'm complaining, but how can anyone fix something if they don't know about the problem?

I'm not implying that I'm perfect and they're not. I'm implying that they are doing something wrong and I hope they'll correct themselves. I love people and give them freedom to be how they will, but honesty sounds like judgment. I'm sorry if people think I'm judging because I'm not, I just want people (including myself) to have good behavior.

Feeling Really Bothered, But Expressing Something Else

My Experience
I had this experience and wanted to share it because it truly makes a difference when I think before reacting rather than just reacting:

If every time I talk to someone and they put up a brick wall, I can either make a change or not and go crazy. RATIONAL MIND: CHANGE IS HARD. SOMETIMES PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE THEIR ENTIRE LIVES, BUT THEY HAVE TIME TO CHANGE. ITS GOOD TO VOICE MY OPINION BUT ALWAYS STRIVE TO GIVE OTHERS MERCY. ALWAYS STRIVE TO LOVE.

 

Some people put up brick walls and don't listen to me because they only listen to themselves. GIVE MERCY, GRACE, AND LOVE. LOVE THEM THE WAY THEY ARE WITHOUT EXPECTING THEM TO CHANGE.

 

I'm done talking to a brick wall that won't change. I'd rather be poor and happy than comfortable and lonely. IS THAT TRUE? AM I *REALLY* WILLING TO BE DIFFERENT OR AM I JUST SAYING THAT 'CUZ IM MAD?

 

It's a shame to not be friends but everyone's actions determine their choices. IT'S TRUE THAT EVERYONE CHOOSES. ITS ALSO TRUE THAT PEOPLE WHO CHOOSE CAN CHANGE THEIR MINDS.

 

I don't expect perfection, but I do expect respect. TO HAVE RESPECT I NEED TO GIVE RESPECT.

 

I won't be a doormat that faces a brick wall when they don't want to hear me. THAT'S CONDITIONAL - 'I'LL ONLY GIVE YOU MY LOVE IF YOU DESERVE IT'.

 

I have an opinion and it deserves to be heard. YES, THIS IS TRUE, AND IT WOULD BE HEARD IN A PERFECT WORLD...HOWEVER, I LIVE IN AN IMPERFECT WORLD AND DONT ALWAYS GET WHAT I DESERVE.

My Thoughts
Reacting is based on my words in lowercase. Acting after thinking is based on all my words. What a difference I see between the two. In this experience, I reacted then later apologized after I thought about it. I wish I wouldn't react but I'm working on my gut reactions and have hope that I can change. I know that I do things that bother people, too. I just hope they will be kind and forgiving and choose to see the best in me and not the worst.

This experience has taught me to give people a chance, to know that people aren't robots - sometimes they make me upset but I choose how to respond, and to know people are trying - they don't want to make me mad, they're my friend.

I want to be kind and loving and am working on being that way. I might not be kind and loving all the time but I'm willing to improve and want to change my ways. I'm not perfect, but I have hope that one day I will be.

 

Sometimes Tears are Good

Honesty sometimes causes me to feel the spirit. The Lord works miracles through me and I can feel it when I feel the spirit. I cry when I feel the spirit. Even though I wish I wouldn't cry, I think others feel the spirit too. I heard once that if I feel it then they feel it. Crying doesn't feel good to me, but feeling the spirit does.

Reacting to Honesty and Understanding the Meaning

When someone is honest with me they run the risk of me getting mad or defensive. They feel like they're walking on egg shells because they don't want to upset me. They want to be honest but they don't want me to be mad at them.

My family is honest even if it hurts the other person. They say how they feel and the other person listens. When I'm the other person, usually I cry (because the truth hurts) but I most likely change because they're right.

Recently I went on a ride with Andrew which gave us the chance to talk. I appreciate our talks because he is honest, understanding, and kind. I know he cares about me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings when he says something true, but he wants to say how he feels and be understood. Therefore, I listen, hear him, and make the changes that I can.

I want to be the best person possible. How can I be that unless people are honest?

Andrew described the circle of life so well. He compared life to a globe. He said that a baby's globe is the size of a marble. As we have experiences, our globes grow. Then, as we age, they shrink but never to the size of a marble because we've had experiences. He said that everyone's globe is a different size.

He said that some people considered the things on their globes to be no big deal or small. He indicated that to me those same things were big. He said that perhaps people considered it no big deal to put on socks or to shower, but to me those same things were a big deal because they took a lot of effort.

I appreciated that he understood why I reacted to some things in a certain way.

Sometimes people can't understand why I make such a big deal about something that to them is small. Perhaps when I blow up they just shake their heads in confusion. Things are a big deal to me because they take my effort or I consider them important. I know that most likely when I throw a fit it won't change anything but I want people to understand what I mean.

I like this quote: "Seek first to understand then to be understood."

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand a person because I'm not really listening. Perhaps I think I already know so I tune them out. I need to consider that perhaps I don't know and that's why they keep saying it.

To understand someone I need to listen, internalize what they said, and possibly change.

My Trip to Utah and Change

I just came back from being in Utah for three weeks. This was my most challenging trip so far. I don't like going back to my hometown because I don't feel happy there and it reminds me of the past.

I guess I'm too honest and now one of my family members isn't talking to me. This bums me out. Another family member made me mad and caused me to distance myself from them. Drama isn't fun but I think that every family has it.

I realized while in Utah that people don't change unless compelled.

That's certainly true for me. I changed not because I freely chose it but because I was compelled. I've been compelled in a couple of ways.

First, by my husband. He honestly tells me how he feels, and like the adage says, "The truth hurts." After thinking about what he says, I change because I realize that he's right. He's my husband, I listen to him and don't think I have all the answers. I want to be the best person I can be; how can I be that unless he's honest with me and I change?

Second, by my illness. It 'forces' me to decide whether or not to change. My weaknesses are in my face and I have to look at them. I don't change unless forced or compelled because I like my life the way it is. I don't like the way some things are, but they're familiar and I am used to them. I say that I want things to change in my life but I also want the familiar; an oxymoron, and impossible. When I got sick I learned that I didn't like change, in fact, it occurred to me that most people didn't. (People deal with change but they don't like it.) After I got sick, I got frustrated with my 'new normal' and sometimes cried.

I chose to change after I got sick because I wanted to be an improved person. When someone tells me something honest that hurts, my first reaction is to not listen and to think they're mean. Plus, I want to defend myself and say why I did it. However, when someone is honest with me and either I realize they're right or I'm compelled, I think it's mean but I still change.

Most people don't want to hurt my feelings. They only want for me to do or think in a correct way. They have perspective and can see the trees because they're not in the forest. They can see what they think is best when I can't.

On a spiritual note, the only thing I can give to God is my will. He will not compel me, I have to make each choice myself. I don't feel that I'm strong enough to choose the higher path freely I only do so because I am compelled. It makes me sad to realize that I'm so weak, but it makes me happy to realize God's mercy. I change (for the better) and He accepts it.

My Book

I'm writing a book about my life. I never considered myself a *writer* but I do have at least 10 journals so I have a lot to say, right?

Thinking back over my life, first I remembered all the happy times. I was a happy kid. (Kids are resilient, they can handle a lot of pressure...at least I could.)

Then I looked at my life with adult eyes and thought, wow I really had a lot of experiences.

I think people like to talk and read about the fluff. Things that are feel-good, like Christmas and happy times. But how often are people willing to talk about the not so fluffy things in their lives? I believe that talking separates a victim from a non-victim. A non-victim is willing to acknowledge the truth with honesty.

I will be honest in my book because I have nothing to hide. Everything I say will be true and is a fact to me.  I will also state solutions in my book. I don't want to just put my life out there with all the crap and stuff, because today my life is good. I want to write about how my life got good, and the journey of discovery it took to get there.