I love my boys

I just have to say how great Andrew is. He is growing up so fast! (He will be 16 in Nov). My baby will be gone before you know it.

He has loved skateboarding since he was about 5 and has been an artist since he was 3. He's been playing the trumpet since 5th grade and is so musical. Now he's teaching himself to play the piano. I'm really proud of him. He is awesome at rockband: I don't know how he makes his fingers move so quickly. And he has such good rhythm on the drums: it's amazing how he can play the bass with his foot when it has a totally different beat than the rest of the drums.

He's been making movies lately with his friends and uploading them on youtube under the name Unanimous Films. Now he'll be going to Olathe NW High School this year and doing a 21st Century eComm program that will teach him about film making and editing. The other day when I picked him up at the skatepark he said "why am I always the filmer? I want to skate, but noone films as good as me." I think this program is going to be right up his alley.

Of course Andrew wants to be a pro-skater first and we do what we can to support him. That means new skateboards when the current ones crack or break, new shoes when the old ones wear out from skating and rubbing against the grip tape, and taking him all around town to different skate parks. I hope his dream will payoff one day and he will get to do what he loves for the rest of his life.



What can I say about Bryan? I always told him he was "the greatest son a mom could ever have" and I still mean it. He's 23, and I'm learning how to have an adult child. It's kinda cool actually. He's lived in France for two years, Hawaii for 8 months, and now he's going to BYU in Provo, Utah. He's quite the world traveler.

I'm really proud of how hard Bryan works in school and how he tries hard to stay temple worthy and morally clean. It can be hard for a guy after he comes home from serving a mission in that a lot of guys fall off the moral bandwagon. I admire Bryan and his dilligence to do what is right. I know he will be blessed for it one day.

As you can see Bryan loves surfing. Actually, he loves any sport or physical activity (he got that from Per, certainly not from me!) He was a really great football player until he tore the ACL in his knee and ended his football playing career. He is also good at playing guitar and writing songs. His poetry is very well written, and he is very tender hearted. He cares a lot about people and is a loyal friend. He loves his family very much. Our family wouldn't be the same without him.



Per is my true love, my soulmate and my friend. I feel good when he's around and I like it when he's home. He's been working for CEM for 17 years and they finally appreciate him and the knowledge he has. I think they are just plain lucky to have him.

Per loves to be outside. He likes to work on the yard, or the cars and especially likes to work with his hands. His dream would be to have a workshop where he could do all the projects he has in his head. He loves electronics and you know it when you come over to our house. He built a home theatre system in our basement, wired our house for networking (but, now we have WiFi  - go figure!) He'll say "who's been touching the sound?" when we watch a movie downstairs and fix the 5 point surround sound (that sounds fine to me.)

You may not know that Per is a really good cook. He has baked since we've been married starting with homemade scones with butter and cheese (jam for me.) Just about a month ago he taught himself how to make french bread. We have a Swedish dinner tradition at our home every Christmas where Per makes Swedish food including salt curing a ham for 3 weeks. It's the same dinner every year on Christmas eve, and I love it!

Per has many idiosyncracies and says some funny things. He's also the smartest person I know. He has a morality that is unflinching and is the rock of our family. One of the things that makes him great is that he loves his family very much. I always thought of him as a golden retriever: a trusty friend who stays by our side, our protector, and our best friend.

I thought about my family today and wanted to share how much I love them.

Life is Good!

I read an excellent book yesterday called "Consider the Butterfly" by Carol Lynn Pearson. I remember reading her poems on the back of the Ensign in 7th grade, and my mom had her book "Beginnings" which was a collection of her poems. I came across this book (the butterfly one) years ago and it was no coincidence! It is about Syncronicity, the subtititle of the book says "transforming your life through meaningful coincidence" It's little stories of her experiences where she noticed coincidences in her life - very touching.

I gave the book away a few years ago to a young woman who I thought would really love it, but ever since then I've missed having a copy of my own. So I ordered one and I read the whole thing yesterday. Her words really touched me. It was like one those moments sitting in a big fluffy chair with a blanket wrapped around me and sighing - ahhhhhh - it felt so good.

I was looking on her website this morning because I wanted to get a copy of the book for my mom, I think she would really like it. As I was browsing her website, I clicked on the tab that said "telephone consultation" and read what it had to say. At the bottom there were three comments from people who really benefitted from talking to her. I thought-I don't feel like I need to have counseling, I don't feel like I need to talk to someone. My cup is full. I'm okay.

That was so huge for me! I started thinking how I've experienced healing of different things over the last 5 years, and how happy I am today. I don't need counseling, I've found what works for me and I've drawn closer to God, who is my biggest supporter! I just really appreciated realizing that.

One of my favorite quotes is "when the student is ready, the teacher appears" Isn't that so true? When we are ready to progress, somehow the thing we need appears before us. I have been a student and my teacher has appered several times in various ways. One of my teachers was this book. It reminded me of things I know are true. 1) everyone wants to be acknowledged. Once I was lonely and wanted to be heard. I'll never forget the day that I saw on my husband's face that he was really hearing me and it felt like we were meeting again for the very first time. It was healing. A space was created for the two of us to grow together.

2) the true voice speaks love. There are so many voices to listen to and I listened to negative ones for a long time. I remember the first time I prayed and really felt God's presence wrapped around me like a warm blanket. I felt so loved. I want to pay that forward in the way I speak to others. I learned once that there are two forms of honesty - negative and positive. There is an opposite to everything. It is up to me to speak love. Love creates. I want to create, not destroy.

Isn't that great?! I'm grateful for that book and the things that I learned. I'm okay, and it feels good!

Can't We All Just Get Along?

I've never known much about this country's history, and I haven't really cared. I have never been interested in the news, or what's going on around the world, I've just wanted to live in my own little world. But lately things are changing in government that will affect me and my own little world, so I've wanted to know things for myself instead of relying on what my husband tells me.

I started watching some programs on TV and reading books, and it has really opened my eyes. I'll admit right now, I tend to be conservative, so of course the things I watch and read are going to reflect that. I like Glenn Beck on TV, and I bought a book that he highly recommended on his show 'liberal fascism'. I've enjoyed reading it, but the thing that strikes me most is "why don't more people know history?" It seems like history just repeats itsself, and since people don't know history they think (like I did) that people's ideas are new. But they really aren't. The ideas were thought of long ago, and since people don't know history, it's bound to be repeated (even though it wasn't good the first time.)

The words "liberal fascism" seem so harsh. Almost offensive. I like people, even ones not like me, and I like hearing everyone's opinion. But it seems to me that people have agendas these days. It's sad because I tend to question people's motives instead of just believing them, because most people these days have motives other than what they are saying. For instance, commercials on TV. At first a commercial may seem to care about me, but in reality they are just trying to sell a product or an idea, and they know how to tug at my heart strings so I'll buy or buy into it. It's all marketing. It's not 'real'. Reading books and knowing history, being informed, helps me to see the 'real' instead of just falling for what people say.

I went to Glenn Beck's "Common Sense Tour" when he came to Kansas City. He said a couple of things that really hit me. 1) Every person has a voice. Even common people like me. We get scared into thinking that we have to have some degree, or have the perfect vocabulary, or have a political background in order to speak up. But it's not true. Every person has a voice and can make a difference in our society. If we don't like how things are going in America then stand up and be heard instead of just complaining around the kitchen table. It's not going to help anyone or change anything to just complain to the TV or to my family at dinner time.

2) Reach out to others, reach across the isle, Democrat of Republican doesn't matter, we are all just people and probably have more in common that you would think. Talk about the issues you are concerned about, be people not parties. I like that because it's true. Everyone has a story and things they like or are concerned about. It just creates separation to stay within your 'group'. For example, me and my sister. I'm conservative she is more liberal, or in plain terms, a democrat. But we don't talk about politics, we just talk about life and we have a lot in common. I am open to hearing her views and she is open to hearing mine. Another friend of mine is a democrat too, but same thing, we are friends and think a lot alike. I would like to have more friends like that because it's real. We're just people.

Like I said, I'm getting informed and that is causing me to want to stand up and speak. I just hope that others not like me will want to hear what I have to say. We are all just people. We all have opinions, I wish we could respect one another and be better listeners and try to understand each other.

I was thinking about "The View" on TV and how much I don't like that show. And I was thinking "why don't I like it?" The answer is, because they are mean and in your face. They don't try to understand other people, they just say mean things to people who don't think like them. Same with Bill O'Reilly. He attacks people who don't say what he wants them to say. Why would I watch that? Why do others watch that? It just creates separation, a divison among people. It upsets people. It offends. It doesn't create a sense of safety where people can talk and respect each other. It is mean and unkind. People...stop watching shows like that! Let's start listening to each other. Can't we all just get along?

Some Days I Just Want to Vege

It's 4PM and I'm sitting at my computer, unshowered and still in my pj's. That's pretty daring to admit but it's true. Today I just want to vege, but that doesn't mean I haven't done anything. I slept in 'til 9, made pancakes for breakfast, read my scriptures, watched "so you think you can dance" which, by the way, I think is going to be amazing this year, watched Glenn Beck and The O'Reilly Factor on the DVR (I like Glenn Beck better...O'Reilly is too 'in your face' for me and he attacks people who don't say what he wants them to say, Beck is a better 'listener'), welcomed my husband home from a business trip (he came home earlier than I thought he would!), talked to him about the book I've been reading (liberal fascism) wrote in my journal, tried to pay my mortgage but the website was down, looked online at rugs and a headboard for Andrew's room, ate some pizza that Per cooked for lunch, talked to a gal about a party Andrew's going to tomorrow, took a couple of telemarketer calls, and updated my blog.

Now I guess I'll go take a shower and finish my day, which includes washing Andrew's bedding, swapping the pillows on Per's side with the ones on the spare bed downstairs, and making dinner. We'll see who get's kicked off "so you think you can dance" tonight. I don't think I'm the only one who takes a day to vege.

My Days as a Computer Geek

I wrote this on 9/4/1997 after I had this conversation with my boss, Michelle.

You know you're a computer geek when someone says...

"Call SCT or ECC and see if you can FTP the APPC version of their VSE Cobol programs to SOL. Then call UCO and FTP the APPC-VSE programs to their RISC6000 (they don't have TCP/IP that's why they need APPC) for them to copy to their VSE."

...and you understand it.

LOL

It's All Perspective

So, Per and I were talking about my blog entry last night. He's so optimistic, I really appreciate his viewpoint. He said (after reading) "yeah, but you've had so many experiences and met so many people" He said the opposite happened to him, he grew up with the same people all his life, then when he moved away when he got older, he moved around and didn't know anyone. It's all perspective.

It's true. Life is how you look at it and after talking with him...I didn't feel like my childhood was pathetic because we moved so much...I saw it in a different light. How many people I've met, and experiences I've had. I have a lot of stories. So I'm not like the people on FaceBook. I wasn't like them then either, and that's okay. I wouldn't change it if I could do it all over again, because then I wouldn't have those life experiences in my memory.

Thanks, Per, for the reality check.

Roots

I moved 35 times by the time I was 18 so I don't have what you would call childhood "roots". I usually started and finished a school year in two different schools and didn't have the same friends for very long. I'm okay with it now (even though I would cry as a child).

I have lived in Olathe for 15 years so I have roots as an adult, but the thought of childhood "roots" has recently come to mind as I see the discussions on FaceBook. Within the last six months, people I went to high school with are now on FaceBook and they are all sending each other (and me) friend requests. Now, some are posting pictures of school days and identifying each other and saying things like "who was our 1st grade teacher?"

I think all this is great, it's just that I can't contribute because my roots with them are from high school. I didn't go to elementary or junior high school, or church with them when I was a kid. We didn't grow up together. I'm not sad, I am just quiet. In the background, watching everyone's conversations back and forth. Kind of like when I was in high school...in the background...no roots.

This also reminds me of another friend who has recently posted some pics from university days. She has all these memories and experiences, and I can't relate because I never went to a university. It makes me think how fortunate my son is to be at a university making those memories and having experiences. Because I bet he will talk about it when he's 40 like me.

It makes me think of how important it is to have roots in life.

Mood Stages

So I've been dealing with MS for 7 months now-known what was wrong with me for 4 months. And I've noticed my moods have gone in stages. When I didn't know what was wrong with me, I was very patient. I actually surprised myself by being calm and patient...no hysteria. no why is this happening to me? no pity-party. I just waited patiently for the doctors to tell me what was wrong with me. During those 3 months, I did a lot of thinking.

I remember one day I was lying on my bed feeling kind of scared and a thought came to me...it could be worse. I started thinking about all the ways in which it could be worse. 1) I have problems with my eyesight but at least I don't have to face this trial in darkness. 2) I have problems walking but at least I "can" walk. As I thought about those things, something happened, I started to feel very grateful. Grateful that it wasn't worse.

Shortly after that I was sitting at the piano. (I've loved the piano since I could play it. I love to sing and play, it's like therapy to me...and sometimes a prayer. I have often played and sung for hours and my heart has swelled at the music. It clears my head, it's a thinking time for me, I can escape in the music and think. (I love it.) Here's my trial...my hands, especially the right hand, are weak. I can't hold my hands on the keys. I try to play, but I can't. As for my voice, I have no support from the diaphragm...I can't sing. The two things I love in all this world I can no longer do. As I sat there at the piano that day thinking about that, a strange thing happened, I was grateful. Grateful for the 20+ years I had to play and sing. Grateful that God have given me that time to spend with him. I knew that even if I never played or sang again in this lifetime, that those things would be restored to me in heaven. In eternity I would have the opportunity once again to play and sing and it gave me comfort knowing that. It made it okay.

At some point I realized that we become attached to our lives and to others and that is why we are afraid of death. We don't want to lose what we are used to or not have the people in our life that we love. But I realized that life doesn't end...it is eternal. We keep living even if it's not in "this" life...and the things I call "important" stand out to me. Family relationships, friends, being pure and clean to live in the presence of God. Those are things I can work on even in the midst of my trials.

It's been 7 months and my trial goes on. I've been taking Copaxone since October 1st and it has made such a difference. Within 2 weeks I had more control of my hands to the point that I could actually type. I could walk without feeling like I was twisting around...and even without assistance! I could walk on my own. I could talk better even though I still had "moments." (At least I wasn't avoiding talking to people. I talked on the phone with my sister and my friends and it meant so much to me.) I can type and sit at the computer now -  I have access to the outside world! There are a lot of things I "can" do and I'm glad that it's not worse.

I was thinking this morning what a bummer it is that I am not an early riser any more. I used to get up at 5:30 or 6:00am and read my scriptures for an hour or two, and now it's a miracle that I rise at 6:45 to make a shake for Andrew and say good-bye to him as he goes off to school. For the next hour I am waking up. I thought about writing a blog this morning and kind of felt like having a pity-party for myself because of all the things I can no longer do, or at least can't do as well in my mind. But as I sit here writing this blog, it occurs to me that there are a lot of things I 'can' do. I can either give in to pity and self-defeat and become a negative and bitter person, or I can be positive and see all the good things around me. I think I'll take #2 even though it takes more will-power. I know I'll feel better if I go with #2.

A person never knows what life is going to deal them. One day they could be going along thinking they're in control...eating a certain diet, exercising, doing the grind, in the comfort zone, and all of a sudden everything is shaken up. That's what happened to me. The mask of my life was removed and my life was exposed for everyone to see. But what I noticed was that people were nice they wanted to be helpful. Most people care - they don't mock me but are accepting. I'm still trying to get used to that. I want to hide, I want everyone to "think" I have it all under control - that my life is together. But I'm all exposed and vulnerable and everyone can see it. It's like I have no more "pride" because it's all out there for everyone to see. But I've realized that it's a good thing because I'm real. I'm not pretending, not hiding. What you see is what you get.

I wrote this in my journal the other day:
I have even turned away from God to some degree in not acknowledging his hand in all things. I've been trying to be brave and fine, and handle trials on my own and in that process, I've shut him out. After I handle my trial, then I'll turn to him. But here's what I've realized.

Being brave is like the outer shell of a crab, it's what I want the world to see, that I'm fine, I'm tough, I can handle my problems. But the Lord wants me to put off the natural man to put off that outer shell. When a crab takes off its shell, its exposed, vulnerable, just a crab. Nothing to hide. The Lord wants me to come to him with no shell. He wants me to invite him in so he can make my weak things become strong, so he can succor me. If I have my outer shell on, I cannot let him in. Taking off the shell, or putting off the natural man, is humbling myself and being submissive. It is coming to him and letting him in.

I like that. I want to walk through my life with Heavenly Father. I want him to be with me and to strengthen me. My trials may not be taken away, but he can make the load seem lighter. It gives me a lot of hope. I think the mood stage I'm in right now is a battle of my will. I will not give in to pity. I will not give in to negativity. I will put my trust in God and he will support me. For that I am grateful.

25 Things About Me

I wrote 25 random things about me on Facebook and thought I'd share it on here. These are definately random...but maybe you'll learn more about me. Enjoy!

1. I like music. Piano, Singing, Listening. But I don't like Rap.
2. France is gorgeous in May. There are so many flowers everywhere.
3. I lived in 35 places before I graduated from high school.
4. I don't like really hot weather, but have gotten used to Kansas summers.
5. I like the snow, but not scraping windows.
6. My first car was a VW '68 Type 3 station wagon that had an oasis mural painted on the glove box. It was given to me. The guy said if you can get it to run, you can have it. A guy in my ward fixed it. The heat came from the heat of the engine. And the air conditioning came from opening the little window by the big window and pointing it at you so the air could blow in. My friend learned how to drive a stick in that car and almost killed us. Good times... :)
7. My 2nd car was a VW Rabbit convertible that didn't like cold weather. M-A's dad would come over every morning in the winter and jump-start my car. (Bless him!) Then I would drive to work with the window rolled down because there was no defroster and the windows were all iced over or fogged up. I'm amazed I'm alive considering the first 2 cars I had!
8. I like to talk to my friends, but am very quiet around people I don't know.
9. I don't like social gatherings with people I don't know very well. It makes me feel uncomfortable. I'm not good at striking up random conversations.
10. I like playing myFarm on Facebook--thanks a lot Lani :) But I don't like video games at all (not good at them)
11. I LOVE Mexican food. Per's homemade Guacomole, my chicken Enchiladas, Tacos, Fajitas, Espinaca and pretty much anything from Jose Peppers.
12. I love to read non-fiction, personal development books, and the scriptures. I'm not into fictional novels...especially love stories.
13. I've been a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all my life. My great+ Grandfather, Alpheus Gifford, joined the church in 1830, he knew Joseph Smith, and baptized Heber C. Kimball and served 3 missions. The church has been in my family thru the generations. That means a lot to me.
14. I do not drive right now thanks to having "moments" related to having MS. A moment is where I freeze up for about 5-6 seconds, can't move or talk. I thought I could "work thru" these moments and keep doing what I was doing and this has resulted in me falling twice (boo) I really miss driving.
15. I really love scrapbooking but it takes me too long to do a page so I've given it up :) But I still really like it.
16. I won a bowling tournament when I was 12.
17. I can remember events of my childhood really well. Lots of funny memories with my sister, Lani. I will say "remember that?" to my extended family and most of the time they don't. I would like to write these memories down and hear what everyone else's memories are on the same event/subject.
18. My sister, Lani, and I were good friends growing up. We lost touch in our 20's and now I talk to her almost every day. I love my sister, she's a good friend.
19. I married my boyfriend from high school, and the only guy I've ever kissed. He was a Swedish exchange student my JR year and was very mysterious and gorgeous. His cologne was to die for! My friend and I used to watch him eat, we called him "Jaw" because he had this little muscle on his Jaw that you could see when he ate. He also played soccer and had lots of leg muscles. I could go on, but he has a facebook account too and will get all embarrassed. I still get all tingly when I think about it (or him).
20. I've lived in KS for 18 years and love it. KS is home.
21. I served in the primary presidency (children's organization) at church for 3+ years with Marjean, Denise and Donna and to this day we are still the best of friends and do stuff together. I love those girls! We had a great time serving together and I must say some pretty good primary programs too :)
22. I would love to go on and on about the details of each answer but you'd probably get bored. That's why I have a journal (many journals), so I can "talk" as much as I want :) I've been keeping journals since I was 10, and it really is good therapy :)
23. I am not athletic at all. And I mean at all. Nor am I coordinated. I trip over myself doing Richard Simmons. It's okay-I've embraced my inner self :)
24. I took voice lessons for a year+ about 3 years ago. One of those life goals, and I was glad for the experience. I've always loved to sing but wanted to develop my voice more and it was accomplished. It's amazing what warming up does! :)
25. I'm pretty laid back. I love people and if I could go back to school I would take Psychology and become a therapist.

Dresser Restored

I finally have something to blog about! My friend, Nicole, told me about this product called "Restor-A-Finish" to refinish my kitchen cabinets. I bought the "maple-pine finish" and tried it on one of our cabinets and it was too dark (boo) so I thought I'd try it on my pine dresser. Wow! It restored it like new, so I thought I'd post some pics so you could see!

Here's what my dresser looked like before. The first drawer has been refinished (I didn't think about taking a pic until I had done one drawer!) But notice the nicks in drawer 2 and down. The curtains were open so there's more sunlight in the room on this pic.

Now look at the dresser all restored...it looks like new, doesn't it?! (Now the curtains are closed so the dresser looks darker..but it's the same one :)

Here's another picture, isn't that fabulous?! I can't wait to do the other dresser I have which is worse. (When Andrew was 5 or so, he and his friend "engraved" their names into the other dresser...so it is really banged up..it wasn't funny at the time) I waited for a few days before posting this to see if the finish would wear off and the knicks would come back, but now it's day 3 and the dresser looks just like these pics. I am in love with this product. It only took me about 30 minutes to do this project. I wore rubber gloves and used an old rag and that's it. It's my first time doing something like this, so I'm not a pro...that says even more about how easy this is. If I can do it, anyone can!