The New Me - Turning a New Leaf

I'm tired of feeling shame, judgment and less-than some others. Whatever the judgments are, they are unloving and I don't accept them.

People sometimes have bad behavior-no one's perfect. I accept people but I don't accept bad behavior. I don't even expect the opposite treatment because it doesn't matter. I just declare that I don't accept bad things and will not let them effect me.

A person will get walked on and treated badly until they stand up and defend themselves. I didn't stand up for many years because I wanted to be nice. Now I know that 'nice' doesn't equal 'doormat', I can be nice and yet defend myself. Being nice does not mean being a sitting duck-a target for bad behavior.

To me, "Judge not and be not judged" means let your heart be free from judgment because what goes around comes around. Others will judge me but their judgment is a reflection of them, not me.

Judging is concerning myself with another person. I want patient, loving, kind and merciful traits in my character. Therefore, I'll work on developing those traits while being uplifting and only judging myself.

I Love Everyone

This morning I had an epiphany; to only love.

When I looked at certain pictures they gave me a pit in my stomach because I believed I saw 'wrong'. I asked myself why I believed this and realized my belief was stigma not truth. Furthermore, a belief in 'right and wrong' caused judgment when the true belief was in 'good and bad'. (A person can be good and rise above believing 'right and wrong' to see what's real.)

For example, I got pregnant at 17. Many people judged me based on what they saw and because they thought that I did 'wrong'. The truth is, they judged me based on my appearance not based on my character. My character said 'good'. I did my best, I strived for eventual perfection, and I wanted the same as them but because I behaved in what they considered the 'wrong' way, they judged me. I judged myself for many years before learning the truth that I'm good.

Everyone does imperfect things, but they all deserve my faith and love. I believe in good/bad. I believed in many right/wrong things for years but starting right now I'll look at every one of my beliefs and believe it only if its good.

Again, I believe in good/bad. My character says who I am. I can do good things and I'll call them 'good' not 'right'. I'll try my best not to judge because I want to have acceptance in my character. The opposite of judgment is acceptance. I accept all good things and invite them into my life.

Loving People

One of the things I've learned from my trial is to be more accepting. I'm not perfectly accepting but I'm way more accepting than I was before. I used to have such drastic thinking - either this or that, right or wrong, good or bad. And I was always on the best side. All I know is that I don't need to judge anyone until I've walked a mile in their shoes. There are so many reasons why people do things - and many are things that I don't know about. Bottom line: I never have the right to judge anyone and they never have the right to judge me. We are all free to be who we want.

I speak as if I lived in a perfect world. Here's another bottom line: people are gonna judge me but I will try my best not to judge them, including accepting them even when they don't accept me. (My actions speak about how I am.) I want to be accepting therefore I will be accepting even when they aren't.

Contentment (Happiness)

Recently, I heard someone talk about being content, and I appreciate their words. I haven't always felt the contentment that I feel now. I used to feel frustrated because I wished to have something that I didn't. I might have wished to live in another place, or to have another job, or for people to make the 'right' choices, or to earn more money, or to have different things. I thought, 'if only [something]' then I'd be happy.

Basically, I felt mad about what I didn't have, I didn't accept my life, and, frankly, I didn't want to. I wanted the thing I didn't have and I wouldn't be happy until I got it. I didn't know that accepting my life meant feeling happy about the things I did have, and being happy while trying to get what I wanted. Bottom line accepting my life meant counting my blessings, seeing the doughnut not the hole, and realizing that the cup was half full not half empty.

The speaker said there were two things that could make me unhappy: 1) Comparing myself to others, and 2) not forgiving. I see how those two things could hold me back from living my life, and keep me angry instead of happy. Hearing the speaker made me think of this:

First, when comparing myself to anyone else, I wish I had/did/could be what they have/do/are; I think,they're great and I suck. When they get a break, instead of feeling happy for them, I feel jealous. I truly believe this: They are my enemy and I hate them because I wish I was like them. (I would never admit that out loud, but in my heart it's how I feel.) When I only compare me to myself, I try to become improved. I don't hate myself or say, "I suck," but honestly tell myself the truth and strive to become better. I'm not perfect, sometimes I make mistakes, but as I learn from my mistakes I become improved. 

Second, when I don't forgive, it hurts me way more than it ever hurts them (if it even hurts them at all.) When I don't forgive them, I just replay the unfairness in my mind and feel justified in believing, "I'm right and you're wrong." If I would let the unfairness go, I would never think of it's sting and carry on with my life. Life isn't fair. After the unfairness blows over, I have a choice to make, will I 1) continue to be mad, or 2) let it go and be happy?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become bitter. I may feel justified, but every time I think about it, I'll get more mad. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the thing, but letting it go so that I'm free and not controlled. Forgiveness is truly for me not them; it is for my heart, not theirs. Nobody's perfect, somebody will eventually do something that hurts me. The question is, when they hurt me will I retaliate or mercifully let it go?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become arrogant. I will think of the unfair situation and wonder, 'How could they do that to ME?' I will tell myself that I won't forgive them unless they grovel at my feet and beg for mercy. I ask two things: 1) If the tables were turned, would I want to grovel? 2) If the tables were turned, wouldn't I want the other person to show me compassion? I hope I will be kind.

I believe what I heard about contentment, that unfair comparisons and non-forgiveness keeps me from feeling happy. I hope that I will -be happy for what others have, -only compare myself to me, -let unfairness go, and -be happy. I really loved hearing that talk.

Easing My Burdens

I compare trials to The Lord of the Rings. The ring was killing Frodo but when he got to Mt. Doom and held the ring over the fire, he couldn't let it go and instead kept it - he said, "The ring is mine!" 

Some of my burdens are hard, perhaps I feel like they are killing me, but if I hold on to my burdens and don't change to make things better, I just drive myself crazy wishing things were different. I'm a strong person and capable of taking the first step to make things better in my life. 

I know that when I have burdens it's helpful to believe things will be better, to have hope in my heart, and to think good things. (Things don't always look good when I make changes; sometimes I wonder if I should go back, but when I keep moving forward and tell myself that one day the future will be bright, it happens and I feel so happy!)

I don't always get what I want, but I always get what's best for me. Sometimes I make life harder when I don't accept reality and instead want the past. (Divinely speaking: It seems like when I put my trust in God's hands, give my control to Him, and submit my will to Him my life goes better.)

I want to be in charge of my life and be happy, therefore I will do my best to make changes in my life when I'm not happy. I hope change will ease my burdens.

Then and Now

I’m transcribing a document for Per and the process has taken weeks because of slowness and fatigue. I used to type really fast; so fast, in fact, that I thought in words instead of letters. One of the things I experience because of MS is that my right hand is slow and inaccurate. To use an analogy, I used to be a rabbit and now I’m a turtle.

Slowness isn’t the only thing I experience – I get tired too. Once I did many things, but now I do one thing before feeling extremely tired.  I work on the document then stop after a short time because of fatigue. For the rest of the day I sit in my living room chair because I feel too tired to do anything more.

After getting sick I lamented about my lost abilities. One day I realized that lamenting just made me feel bad and caused me to live in the past. (In my heart I want to be a fast typist like before, and wish I could do many things, but I can't and that's realistic.) Accepting what I can do now causes me to live in the present moment (even though I remember what I once could do.)

Now to be philosophical: We can do many things at a young age, but when we get older we wish we could do the things we once could. (I think excessively wishing this causes mid-life crises.) We’d be better off to accept the current reality and let the past remain in the past. When we accept the current reality, we don't give in or giving up or say “Why try?" but “I'll do my best with what I can do right now.”

I want to remember the positive and hopeful feelings I have when I think of what I can do and not what I can’t.

A Monumental Day

Call last Friday a monumental day.

Recently, I sat in the yellow chair in my kitchen, with a cutting board on the ottoman, and cut four celery stalks into smaller pieces then put the pieces into eight bags. The work didn't make me tired so after doing the celery, I made 14 grab-bags using all of the refrigerated grape tomatoes and strawberries. A couple of days later, I sat in a rolling chair in the laundry room and sorted my clothes. While sitting in that chair, I loaded the washer and proceeded to do three loads of my laundry.

My world expanded when I realized that I could do many things when sitting, and that sitting and reaching didn't make me as tired standing and reaching. I contemplated how a rolling chair on each floor would give me mobility.  (For example, a chair in my room would allow me to keep my room clean, make my bed, go in the closet, do my hair, put on makeup, and, something I haven't done in years, iron.)

Granted, my fine motor skills are different now and I can't do some things, but I CAN do a lot of things and ask someone to do the things I can't. Some things in my house will have to be moved so I can reach them, but I'll be able to do things instead of just sit and watch tv.

That action has given me more hope than anything has in the last four years. I feel so happy and wonderful that I regard my world as a new world of possibility. Last night I thought about Friday being a monumental day.  I considered how the day felt great because I had accepted my limitations, whereas, before...I hadn't. (I'd been sick for almost four years and for most of that time I cried whenever I failed at something because I felt sad remembering the past.)

I had stopped doing the things I could no longer do and hadn't done some things for a long time. When I did them I felt a sense of elation. The elation probably intensified because I didn't think once I could do this.

Giving Things My All

My Microsoft Word program has a place to indicate spacing as 'At Least' or 'Exactly'. I could indicate either setting when making a document. If the text size would always be the same, I could say 'Exactly.' However, if the text size could fluctuate but I never wanted a line to be less than the spacing indicated, I could say 'At Least.'

I compare my Microsoft Word program to myself. In most things I do, I am exact. I want my food to taste the same every time so I follow recipes and always use the same ingredients. (I only use substitutions if the substitute will be the same or better.) I follow rules or at least try my hardest to do so: I'm not perfect and sometimes break rules, but if someone points out my error, and I agree, I do my best to rectify the situation.

I am exact in everything except painting. The walls in my home, that I've painted, are not painted perfectly. Even though they're imperfect, I think at least there's paint on the walls. I believe the painted walls are 'good enough'. However, I strive for perfection in most things.

My husband and children are perfectionists too. They give 100% to everything they do. They never settle for second best (unless they have no other choice.) And, they never say "Oh well." I appreciate that they do their all. My husband is more of a perfectionist than me. He doesn't accept less than a person's best for anything, but I do. I give people the benefit of the doubt whereas he thinks they could always do better.

We are nice but I believe intimidating. I think people are intimidated by us because we want everyone to try and to do their best. I believe that most people won't try new things because of fear. They are afraid they'll fail. They fear looking stupid too so they won't even try. (If they never try, they'll always be the same.) I estimate that they'll probably fail and look stupid the first time they try, but I firmly believe they need to do it anyway. An improved person never becomes more without failing and looking stupid along the way: the important thing to focus on is the end result not what it takes to get there.

It's hard for me to accept less than perfection now that I'm sick. I would do my hair better, and wear cuter clothes and shoes, and put labels and stamps straight on envelopes if I could, but I'm doing the best I can.

To me, accepting my limitations and saying "Oh well" are not the same thing. I may accept what I can do but it doesn't mean I like it. I push myself to do my best no matter my limitations. If I said "Oh well" I would give up and not care to even try.