Avoiding Subtle Traps

Control
What I want so much is to be heard and understood. I've learned that everyone hears and understands in their own way. When I am open to knowing about being heard and understood the way they hear and understand me it expands my mind. Everyone is free to be themselves and they don't have to do it my way. I truly believe a subtle trap is control.

Hiding
When first having MS symptoms I felt greatly exposed and wanted to hide. I felt ashamed about needing others to do for me what I couldn't (sweep my floor, make my bed, clean my house.) When others helped me I learned 1) it's humbling to me and 2) they show their love. I've had MS for a while so I'm used to having help. I ask myself, "If I never needed their help would I have seen their love?" I truly believe a subtle trap is wanting to hide - letting other's believe I don't need help when I do.

Dishonesty
It takes great courage and honesty to admit private and imperfect things (some people call them weaknesses.) Some things are swept under the rug and no one knows about them but who is affected by dishonesty? I am ... it's my character trait that says 'dishonest'. I've heard the statement "The truth hurts" and believe the statement is a subtle trap - dishonesty is what hurts ... the truth liberates.

Drama
Getting caught in drama is like being extremely close to the fire and not realizing being cooked. I find a great sense of relief by stepping away from the drama and remembering that it'll work out. Letting myself get worked up, worry, be angry or say something mean shows the kind of person I am. It's a subtle trap to keep me focused on unimportant things so I miss what's actually important.

All these things are subtle and I want to recognize subtle traps and avoid them.

Just Me

Being Jade (not Jade with MS) lets me say who I am: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest. I see the value of my story of the crab, that I'm just me.

The trial of having MS is hard, sometimes I wish for things I used to have, but if the Lord wants me to have this trial then I'll have it ... knowing that it's not forever; in eternity I'll be whole. The important thing in this life is to progress and improve; I can truly say that my trials make me do that. I may metaphorically kick and scream at first because I don't like it but after a while I get perspective and can see the good that came from it.

Let me not get distracted or derailed by my trial but remember that my goal is to become like my Father in Heaven. Polishing hurts as the dross is removed from me, but in the end it make's me brilliant and beautiful. I imagine me starting out as a rock and resulting in a diamond. The refining, chipping, and shaping are my trials and it helps me to remember the end result.

My Theory About Society

(This is from an American perspective) For most of the 80's America had a conservative president and society was appropriate. Inappropriate things started to show on TV (violence, rudeness) but the norm was 'appropriate'. Americans equated success with money and America appeared successful. Underground, a few social groups pointed out the poorness of other countries, the cruel treatment of animals, and how 'greedy capitalists' were ruining the environment-especially the rain forest. The social groups were viewed by many people as extreme.

For most of the 90's America had a non-conservative president. Some people turned away from conservatism to the inappropriate. More extreme things were liked (Roseanne, Jerry Springer). A few social groups caused change in the way we talked (political correctness), the way we treated animals (dolphin-safe, PETA-vegetarian), and the way we treated the environment (EPA-protect the spotted owl and the wetlands).

For most of the 2000's America had a conservative president. More people (than in the 90's) liked inappropriate things and didn't like the conservatism of the president; they bashed him and criticized him harshly. Things became even more extreme. Some people wanted to re-define the word 'appropriate'.

From 2010 to now America has a non-conservative president. Many people have turned away from conservatism to embrace what they once considered inappropriate. A lot of extreme things are liked (on TV, in magazines, and on the internet). Social groups are no longer underground and in some cases seem to run society (instead of government). Money is not equated with success but equated with evil and greed. Truly, good is bad and bad is good.

I'm not a social analyst but it doesn't take a degree to notice the direction of the world. In my non-professional opinion (based on the last few decades) society will get more extreme. It's a distraction designed to keep me focused on things over which I have no control and stop me from focusing on things over which I DO have control: my character.

I look at the last few decades of history and say, "I won't get distracted. I'll focus on my character and ignore the direction of the world. I know where I want to go and what it takes to get there. I won't let society get me off course."

I Did It...and It Felt Great

The thought came to me (yes, in the bathroom) that wanting and doing things are different. I thought about the differences and it comes down to one word: excuses. I may want it but give  reasons why I won't get it. They may be valid reasons, logical reasons but in the end-when all those reasons are stripped away, they become excuses that hold me back, that keep me the same and that cause me to never change.

When I do it, it's the point of no return. I said it and can't take it back because now it's out there. I did it and things will never be the same again-life moves forward not backward. Changing is hard and a lot of times uncomfortable because it's leaving what I know and going to what I don't. New territory is unfamiliar and sometimes I feel afraid of the unknown and it stops me from even starting.

I hear 'dare', 'try', 'just do it' and all those things are easier said than done. Change is hard but it is also one step closer to my goal. Those words all have one word in common: courage. It's taking the leap of faith, stepping into the unknown, hoping for good things, and trusting that it can be done.

Excuses are negative and don't bring good things. Courage is hard, sometimes there's failure, but in doing it instead of just wishing it I act and can look back with no regret. Courage is positive, its the high road, it's the uphill climb, and, to me, it's worth it.

Being All I Can Be

I don't do special things, just do the same good things consistently. I don't believe that circumstances of my birth determine my destiny. No! I create my destiny, I decide what to do and I determine who I am. If I want something, I try my best to get it; I do my best, and give my all.

No one or no thing creates my destiny but me; I create my life. If I don't like something (circumstances, character trait, financial situation) I work to change it. I do all I can to make things different not say, "Oh well what can I do? I'll just live with it".

I really, super really want to lose weight for my vacation next year. Maybe my destiny is to be my current weight, and after doing all I can to change it, if it doesn't change then I'll say, "I tried", accept it and be happy. But until I've done everything I can, I'll try to get what I want. I'm not gonna say, "My ancestor's were that way and I will be, too". No! Perhaps they were that way because they didn't do differently Just because they were that way doesn't mean I will be that way.

I want to look back on my life knowing that I tried, not regret that I didn't try at all or that I didn't try my hardest. It takes extra effort from me but it's the price I'm willing to pay to get what I want.

The Girl Continued to Smoke

I heard a good suggestion: To speak in the third person instead of the first person when writing; in my case, to say SHE and HER instead of I. I'm going try it and see how it goes. Please comment and tell me what you think.

A friend told her that the girl continued to smoke even when pregnant. She considered how it would be very hard to give up an addiction. She also thought about how every event came with a choice. She wondered if the girl had even thought that temporarily giving up smoking to have a healthy baby was worth the sacrifice. Maybe the girl rationalized in her mind why smoking while pregnant was okay.

She reflected on the girl and reminded herself how when tempted to give in, reminding herself of what she actually wanted helped her tremendously. (Looking at stuff, reading words, or hearing things about what she wanted created feelings of resolve.) She thought about how it's a choice to stay on track or to quit. She remembered how sometimes it's hard to stay on track. Then she reminded herself how when she stayed on track and remembered what she actually wanted, she more likely got it.

What F.O.C.U.S. Means to Me

I've experienced this scenario countless times: I'm doing something. I start doing something else. I tell myself, "Finish the first thing before starting the second thing". I believe there's no such thing as multitasking-doing two or more things each at 100%. I may do more than one thing at a time but unless I focus on just one task, I won't give 100%.

Many times before getting MS this was my scenario for cooking dinner: Having the TV on but not watching it, talking on the phone, my young child sitting on my foot, and me cooking something on the stove. I liked juggling many things and feeling "busy". I cooked dinner, set the table, knew my family would shove the food in their mouths in 10 minutes and leave me with a mess to clean up, nevertheless I did it because I loved them. I didn't give 100% to cooking dinner - I did it because we had to eat.

The F.O.C.U.S. acronym doesn't apply to every situation (case in point: the above scenario). But for people like me who start another thing before finishing the first, sometimes it's helpful to remember to finish the first thing before starting something else.

Remembering a Long Time Ago

This is me 11 years ago. So many things caused me to change including that I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness...not stress. I wanted those things so much that I was willing to give up some things I loved. At the time I worked in a strip-mall behind McDonald's and several times I went there before or after work. I was willing to not go to McDonald's because I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness more.

My favorite restaurant (Tequila Harry's) was across the street and several times I went there with my friend. I was willing to not go to Tequila Harry's because I wanted enlightenment, serenity, and happiness. I replaced my old habits with new ones and they helped me get my goal. Giving up those places brought other things into my life that led to much enlightenment, serenity, and happiness.

Changing is hard-I know! But it's also a leap of faith that brings what I really want into my life. For years I wished for things to be different, but that time I did things that brought about differences...and much happiness.

Progressing Toward My Goal

This is me last Sunday (May 2014):

This is me one year ago (July 2013, in Sweden):

This is me two years ago (April 2012, at Bryan's wedding):

Wow! What a difference I see in my face! I've been trying very much to reach a weight goal for my vacation next year and these pics are motivation to keep going. They tell me 1) I AM making a difference, 2) I look better already, 3) God IS helping me. I had an impression months ago that if I did all I could, He would help me. I'm serious about reaching my goal and haven't given up after five months. In these pictures I see that He HAS helped me and it gives me encouragement to reach my goal.

I'm not losing weight because I am unhappy with myself but because I want to do it. I truly believe that God helps me after all I can do. He wants to know that I'm serious, so He doesn't help me immediately. The word 'after' sticks out in my mind. In January 2013 I gave up beef and believe that after I changed my diet He blessed me with more energy. In March 2014 I gave up turning to food and doing emotional eating and after committing in my heart to change I believe He blessed me.

I make the scriptures personal to me by adding my name after the word 'you'. This scripture stands out to me: "I will go before your face [Jade Lovgren]. I will be on your right hand and on your left, ... and my angels round about you, to bear you up" (D&C 84:88) I interpret this to mean "I will be with you and help you and my angels will be with you and help you to bear your burdens." I see this is true in the pictures above. Who knows how many times the angels have whispered in my ear to make good choices. I'm grateful for the assistance I see so far and know that God and the angels will continue to help me.

I'm Focusing on My Goal In Order to Get It

A person only did one hour's work when the rest of the workers had worked all day. They got paid for their work and all got the same amount. Some of the workers said, "That's not fair! We worked longer than him and yet we all got the same amount!" The person who paid them said, "I didn't treat you unfairly. You agreed to the amount and that's what you got paid." Then he said, "Why do you choose to be jealous when I choose to be kind?"

That last question really gets me when I think about it. Am I being jealous when I think something's unfair? Does it really matter what someone else gets when I get my fair share? That story makes me tell myself, "Just be concerned with yourself, not them."

Concerning myself about others is one of my biggest weaknesses. Imagine my coach saying, "Just look at me" and motioning imaginary walls around him and me as I dart my head from side to side and look at everyone else. If I'd just focus on him I'd get my goal instead of focusing on others and getting distracted. When I type what I need to do it becomes clear-focus on my goal, and not focus on things that will distract me.

Saying What I Want is Best

Recently, I learned this and think it's really helpful: "Most people say what they don't want but they don't say what they do want. Unfortunately, when they say what they don't want that's exactly what they get because it's their focus. If they don't want something they need to say the opposite." Saying what I want is best; here are some examples:

• I want to be thin instead of I don't want to be fat.
• I want to have money instead of I don't want to be poor.
• I want to do what I love instead of I don't want to do this job.
• I want to live in my dream home instead of I don't want to live here.

Goals and To-Do Lists

Some people make to-do lists that are super long, and then when they don't accomplish everything (impossible) they consider themselves failures and mentally beat themselves up. (People add to their to-do lists because they don't want to forget what they remembered so they write it down.) It's good to have a running to-do list to jog a person's memory to remember something they probably forgot. The problem is that the running list is used as 'today's list'. It's a problem because what's not accomplished today is added to the next day, and by the end of the week the list is huge! People need to keep the two lists separate.

Most people call themselves 'lazy' when they do something else instead of the items on their list. They're not lazy - they're productive when they want to be. Maybe their task is so huge that they feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start so they either 1) stare into space like a zombie, or 2) do something easier, or 3) avoid it altogether. At the end of the day, when they don't accomplish all the items on their list, they call themselves a mean name. I think they need to be nice to themselves.

If a task is too huge, perhaps it can be broken down into smaller tasks - ones that aren't hard and are actually fun to accomplish. (An elephant isn't eaten in one piece, but one bite at a time.) People need to remember that the big task will be completed when all of the smaller tasks get done. People need to be patient while their goal gets accomplished. And they need to realize that goals don't have to be hard - they can actually be fun!

Here's a personal example: 

GOAL: Do all I can to be healthy. (I want to do this because I'm tired all the time, I have low energy, and I want to take my health into my own hands.) 

TASK (1) Eat healthy. 

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Try the Swank Diet. For a year (possibly forever, but at least for a year) don't eat red meat, pork, or dark meat poultry (do eat only white meat poultry, all types of fish, and all types of shellfish.) I know it will take a while for me to remember this - I won't quit or go back to my old ways when I forget, instead I will keep trying. 

(b) Don't eat junk food. I won't eat fast foods, processed foods, fatty foods, or fried foods. (I will eat vegetables, good desserts, fruits, meat that is good for me, fats that are good for me, and carbs that are good for me.) Of course, anything in excess is bad so I'll have limitations that make sense and not be excessive. Again, it will take me a while to remember this. I won't quit when it feels hard, instead I'll remember my goal and keep trying. I will stop eating fast food and instead eat foods that are yummy and good for me. When I eat out, I will only eat things that make me feel good afterward. I won't over eat, or eat heavy things that make me feel like crap because I want to eat healthy. 

TASK (2) Exercise. I can't do things that make me hot because I feel like crying, so I need to find something that I CAN do. 

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Find an exercise that I can do without getting hot (besides swimming - so I don't have to do my hair or wear a swimsuit!) 

(b) Implement the found exercise into my activities. (I haven't found the exercise yet, but once I do I want to add it to my life.) 

TASK (3) Use vitamins or drugs. I used to take the drug Copaxone for almost two years but feel it stopped working for me so I stopped taking it (and I'm glad because those shots really hurt!) I used to take the drug Lamotrigine (to stop the moments - which it did!) but it made me tired so I weened off of it and the moments never came back!

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Use things that make me feel good. (All drugs have side-affects so I will look at natural things first, but if drugs do the best job then I'll use drugs.)

TASK (4) Accept my illness. Saying that I accept my illness is a hard thing to tell people because it seems like I'm giving up and not looking for other possibilities; acceptance is so definite. In years past, I've looked at other possibilities and each time it has led to me feel great disappointment. I'm open to considering other possibilities but the simple truth is that if the possibility isn't the truth I don't want to feel disappointed and get my hopes up. My disease could be something else but I choose to believe I have MS and to focus on how to live with it.

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Say what I CAN do not what I CAN'T. I won't compare what I do now to what I did then because it's not fair to me, nor helpful to compare myself to the past. I will be happy about ALL my accomplishments no matter how small.

(b) Have good self-esteem. I won't think I'm less than anyone else because I have a handicap. I'll see the good instead of the bad in my situation. I'll listen to people, read books & magazines, and watch things on TV that lift me up not drag me down. I won't be a part of things that make me feel bad about myself.

My Goal in 2013

The year 2012 gave me many discoveries. I learned how people are; how I am; how Per is; how my kids are; how my extended family is; how my friends are; how people in my church are; and how society is.

In 2012 I had a goal to be nicer (blog post). My honesty and bluntness hurt some people in 2011 when I felt compelled to be honest; not sweep things under the rug; and say how I felt. In 2012 I wanted to hold my tongue (just realize things but not necessarily say them.)

In 2013 I want to continue to practice holding my tongue and to work on developing my character. My goal is to be patient, loving, and kind.

Choosing to Focus On the Good

My goal in 2012 is to be nicer. Since I've been sick I say whatever I think (I call it having no filter.) I realize now that I could have held my tongue and spared some feelings but it was really important to me to speak the truth.

For as long as I can remember it was important to me to be liked. So much so that even though I recognized bad behavior I would never say it because I didn't want people not to like me.

Now I still want people to like me (if they want) but it won't crush me if they don't.

It's strange to think that my illness has given me better self-esteem, but it's true. I care enough not to turn my head when someone does wrong. However, I don't need to point out their err. I'll just make a mental note and move on. No one is perfect - we all err.

This year my goal is to give people the benefit of the doubt; to look on the bright side; and to acknowledge good qualities. I may know about bad qualities but I choose to focus on the good.