My Sleep Apnea Machine

My doctor diagnosed me with Sleep Apnea in 2000. Since that time, I've had a c-pap machine that helps me breathe at night. People with Sleep Apnea have throats that cut off their air supply when their throats relax (during sleep.) The c-pap machine blows air through a tube and mask which makes the person's throat stay open so they can breathe.

The machine keeps the person from snoring. My husband says the sound of the machine is better to hear than me gasping for air. Over time, he has become used to hearing my machine and says it's soothing. The machine isn't loud but compared to hearing nothing, he had to get used to hearing it.

Before I got the machine I snored horribly. I probably scared Per to death when I stopped breathing then gasped for air in my sleep. (According to the sleep study people, I did that 16 times per hour. They say I have Moderate Sleep Apnea.) When I snored, Per would shake the bed to wake me up. As a result, now I wake up whenever he turns.

At the time, I slept better in the living room, sitting straight up in my comfy chair, because I didn't snore or gasp for air. (On several occasions, I slept there instead of my bed because I got better sleep.)

When I laid down, and after my body relaxed, I could feel my throat closing. I tried to keep my mouth open with my fingers, or a pen, or whatever I could find but knew they would fall out of my mouth when I fell asleep. I actually felt relief when I received a machine that helped me to breathe because I knew I couldn't do it myself.

I probably was destined to get Sleep Apnea because I remember that for years my dad slept in a living room recliner and snored very loudly. Years later I learned that he had gotten a c-pap machine.

The mask is the part that bugs me. I imagine I look like Darth Vader when I wear it. I feel self conscious wearing it in front of my husband but I think he cares more that I can breathe over what I look like. I have the mask that sits over the nose and connects to a tube which connects to the machine. I tried the other mask (that has two "pillows" that sit on the nostrils and blow air into the nose,) but didn't like it because it made me feel claustrophobic and kept slipping off my nose when I turned my head.

When the machine is on it blows air, so if I say anything to my husband he hears my voice AND the rushing air. It didn't take me long to figure out that I needed to tell my husband I loved him before I turned my machine on.

Sometimes when I'm sleeping I unknowingly take my mask off. I don't know why I do it, I just know that when I do I wake up (to the sound of rushing air) soon realizing I need to put my mask back on.

I know I get more restful sleep when I use my machine. I can't imagine having Sleep Apnea and living in a time before someone invented it. I'm grateful for it and couldn't sleep without it!

Forgiving Injustice

Segregation and a lack of civil rights DID exist in the 1960's. Folk singers sang of injustices. Songs known as "spirituals" spoke about a better day. The world stopped using slaves but it took decades before light people called dark people simply...people.

Some dark people haven't dismissed the injustices done to their people (and maybe them.) Songs from the 60's and memories of wrongs cause people to not only say "that wasn't fair" but to want light people to suffer for the injustice. The feeling I get is this thought my people suffered, now you suffer.

Having this mentality causes at least two problems: 1) anger, 2) the people who suffered aren't elevated to inspirations but victims. When a person feels anger toward someone else, the anger stops them from being their true self. They are so encapsulated by their anger that they push out love and every other good feeling. They become enraged by their anger as they allow it to fester. They get a bitter heart because they simply won't let go of injustice.

Injustice inevitably happens in a world full of imperfect people. We can either choose to be angry or forgiving. Forgiveness doesn't mean thinking of the injustice as right, but letting go of the anger held in the heart. I've had injustice done to me. Not segregation but the thing hurt me just as deep. I ended up letting it go because I didn't want to be an angry, bitter person.

Respect in America

My conscience tells me that the difference between Democrats and Republicans is the way they view things. Democrats are for progress and evolution. They see things as living and seek to change them if they think things should be done differently. Another word for Democrat is Liberal. Republicans are for keeping some things the way they are. They believe in progress that helps mankind but see some things as set in stone. They don't want things changed just because they can be. Another word for Republican is Conservative. There are varying degrees in both parties - some people are more Liberal or Conservative than others - but each American, in their heart, is either one or the other. 

The two parties will never see eye to eye but they can work together on the basis of respect. I see a lack of respect when someone says "I'm right, you're wrong!" People with opposing views have worked together for years but something has happened where now they are unwilling to compromise. It seems like one side won't work with the other unless the other side agrees with them completely. That will never happen!

Since 1980, America has had mostly Republican presidents. Now America has a Democratic president. Some of the people who support him point their finger at non-supporters and say "it's our turn!" Those people cause division and hatred and bully those who disagree with them. They also try to force people to believe in something they don't. They may be a different degree of Democrat - more Liberal, or outspoken, or whatever - but they are Democrats and, in my mind, giving all Democrats a bad name.

If Mitt Romney wins the presidential election in November, and once again America has a Republican president, I hope he will work to establish respect. If Obama wins, I'm guessing there will be more division, hatred, and bullying than ever before. I'm scared of the division, hatred, and bullying and think it will make America go backward and not progress.

Why Things are Done That Way

In some cases, I imagine people asking questions and hearing "I don't know." In other cases, I imagine them asking questions and receiving an answer. For example, my neighbor lets her kids play outside until 10pm. Perhaps her mom said, "I don't know how late kids should stay out" so my neighbor decided on 10pm. If I asked my mom the same question, she'd say, "Don't bother people after 9pm."

Society gets changed when people do things a new way either because they don't know or because they DO know but don't want it done that way. For years, people didn't get bothered after 9pm. My neighbor came along (who either didn't know the tradition or wanted to set a new one) and BAM! the tradition changed. 

I don't hear it called changing traditions but evolving. Sometimes I don't think evolution is necessary. I think we need to keep some things the way they are and teach people if they don't know. If I don't know, I need to find out before changing it.

The New and the Old

After 20 years we changed dentists. I thought about going on Angie's List to see what dentists people recommended, then I remembered how before Angie's List existed I used the Better Business Bureau to determine a company as good or bad. (I thought of a company as bad if they had unresolved complaints or a score less than A. I thought of a company as good if they had no complaints or an A. I thought of a company as really good if they had no complaints AND an A.)

Angie's List allows everyday people to comment about services. That can be good and bad. It's good because we get to see people's opinions, but bad because if they have a derogatory opinion, the company can be smeared without any form of protection. Also, haters exist who say mean things just because they can.

The Better Business Bureau may not tell people's comments but it protects companies from harm. People on Angie's List may have the ability to say whatever they want, but it's only good as long they have a positive comment. Some people say bad things, and sadly nothing stops them from being as mean as they want.

I think people don't consider how their derogatory comments may hurt the company for a loooooooong time. Perhaps the hurt person feels so angry at the company that they don't care if they hurt them.  (I can guarantee that the hurt person doesn't consider how their mean words might affect the company's future. Saying something mean is like sticking a red hot poker in the company's belly to make them pay for what they did. How vengeful! How spiteful! Does the hurt person really want to contribute to the reason for possibly ruining the company's success? Where's their mercy?) I believe in the statement more and more that "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all."

No wonder companies need lawyers, because some people are mean. At least the company accredited with the BBB has the Attorney General on their side. The Attorney General doesn't investigate complaints on Angie's List but he/she does investigate complaints filed with the BBB. I say that a company needs to protect themselves by getting accredited with the Better Business Bureau.

Back to my search for a dentist. My post makes me appreciate people wanting to save me from trouble; however, I don't want to read derogatory comments. I think I'll stick with the BBB's accreditation score and realize that if a company has a score less than A,  someone doesn't like them.

Some of the things society has done for a long time seem to be unraveling as we advance. People may intend for new things to be helpful, but some people are not nice and the things they say are hurtful.

I think we'll see the return of established companies like the BBB when people realize that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.

The Evolution of My Son, Andrew

His initials are ANGL. It suits him to be an angel because he cares about people. 

He had a happy personality as a kid. As a child, he showed his emotions on his face. I used to call him "puppy dog" when he felt sad because his eyebrows would point upward and coupled with pathetic looking big brown eyes, he looked like a sad little puppy.

He started drawing at three. His fascination with Pokemon led him to put a Pokemon card next to his paper and draw what he saw. Amazement struck me when my little three year old  produced at least 20 drawings in crayon that each looked like their respective cards. I thought he would be an artist. 

My little dare-devil artist who loved facts and always wanted to know the truth. He had no fear when he jumped off the coffee table and landed in my arms at one year old, or at three when he sped on his little pink bike on the sidewalk, going like a bat out of hell, and purposely rammed a wooden beam that threw him from his bike and made him cry, or at four when he jumped to the floor from the top bunk of his bed (just because,) and screamed bloody murder.

He got his first "real" skateboard for his sixth birthday. He positioned his ramp so that he landed on the grass, then he skated outside for hours whether the temperature felt hot or cold. When I think about his skateboarding skills then and now there's no comparison. He couldn't do an Ollie when he got his first board but he watched Tony Hawk's Trick Tips and practiced until he could. Now, he can do many tricks on his board. 

As a young kid,  if he couldn't be found outside skating he either sat in front of the TV watching his Tony Hawk video or played with his tech decks. He must have had at least 50 of them. He'd take them apart and change their wheels. If a tech deck didn't appear in his hand, he made whatever he held (if anything!) into a skateboard and did tricks with his fingers complete with sound effects!

He did well in school. His beautiful penmanship and detailed pictures on his assignments caused awe in his teachers and they would often write something like "Wow!" on his work. He never waited until the last minute to do anything. When given an assignment, he usually started working on it that day.

He began making movies in 9th grade with my little Canon digital camera. It surprised me that he could make good videos from a camera that didn't have video as its main feature. Sometimes he filmed his friends doing tricks at the skate park. Whether making a movie or filming skateboarders, he knew how to make videos because over the years he had filmed himself skateboarding many times. 

I promised to send him to Camp Woodward in California the summer before his senior year of high school. He dreamed of going to that skateboard camp and wanted to one day be a professional skater. Many times after skating he came home bummed because he didn't land a trick. When he filmed movies, he always came home happy and displayed excitement and anticipation to see the outcome. He had a natural talent for filming. His endless film ideas gave him energy, yet he wanted to be a pro skater and gave all he had to be something that required a lot of natural skill and some luck. Skateboarding didn't come naturally to him but he wanted to do it more than anything.

He chose to get a nice camera instead of going to Camp Woodward in 2011 because a camera would last longer than a week at camp. Also, he decided not to pursue becoming a pro skateboarder. He knew he had a talent in film that he didn't have in skateboarding. Ultimately, he decided to pursue filming pro skaters, and to one day become a director.

He officially graduated from high school six days ago on May 20, 2012. His huge accomplishment of completing 12 years of school causes me to feel proud of him.

• He won 1st place in a writing contest in 2nd grade with his piece called "My First Loose Tooth."
• KC Wolf (The Chiefs mascot) honored him at a school assembly in 4th grade when he won the "Three Dairy a Day" contest with his picture that depicted a Chiefs football player running with a carton of milk instead of a football.
• The Olathe Daily News mentioned him in their newspaper when he drew the ad that won their contest in 6th grade.
• He also won the top youth bowler award at the Olathe Lanes bowling alley that year.
• From 7th to 9th grade, Chisholm Trail Junior High honored him each year with academic awards for having a high GPA.
• Olathe Northwest High School honored him in the 10th and 11th grades with high GPA academic awards.
• In 10th grade his e-Comm team won 1st place in video for the Martin Luther King "Only Light, Only Love" commemoration.
• The varsity bowling team accepted him for two years and he lettered in the sport in 11th grade.
• He won 2nd place in the late night Call of Duty competition at Best Buy and received a copy of the game.
• In 12th grade, at the Student Television Network (STN) national conference in Dallas, TX, he won two awards for his documentary, "Freeling" .
• At STN, his e-Comm team also won 2nd place for their music video.
• Another award at STN said his e-Comm team won 1st place for their "sweet sixteen" film.
• He received a 1st place award for "Freeling" at the eMagine Film Festival in Kansas.
• Lastly, at the end of 12th grade, and just before graduation, he learned he won the opportunity to fly to LA to be a part of the film crew for the ATandT and Wayfinder.tv production of "On The Road With Paul Rodriguez" (a pro skateboarder.) He flew to LA the day before the graduation and began working with Paul and the crew shortly thereafter. He never gave up on having a dream and now he's living it.

Andrew is no stranger to receiving awards. It seems like he's good at whatever he touches whether it's art, school work, bowling, playing the trumpet, working at Rock Band, doing his best in Call of Duty, or making films. I'm excited to see where his future leads.

Bryan and Kimbra Married!

On April 26, 2012, Bryan and Kimbra married in the Salt Lake temple! They married on a Thursday and shared their special day with at least six other couples. As I entered the temple, I could feel the reverence of the Lord's house. Temple workers, dressed in white, whispered respectfully and directed us where to go.

First, a temple worker instructed us to take off our shoes. (I'm guessing we did this to preserve the carpet and as a form of reverence.) Anyone could put on socks, stacked neatly in a basket. We didn't change into white clothes because we only witnessed the wedding, so we wore what we had on. Second, we went to a waiting room where we sat until we heard our party's name called. I didn't say anything to the lady sitting a few chairs from me (and in another wedding party,) but I heard her say she lived in Overland Park, KS, the town next to mine...what a small world.

Third, another temple worker called our name and our party went to the room where Bryan and Kimbra would be married. During the ceremony I realized I sat watching a wedding. (Members of my church call weddings in the temple "sealings" because we believe that couples with temple marriages are sealed for time and all eternity versus marriage until death.) Bryan and Kimbra exchanged rings after the ceremony and again I didn't realize that they had just been married. The temple sealer had said "husband and wife" and Bryan and Kimbra had kissed across the alter but the fact that they had married didn't hit me until at almost the end.

We went back outside and waited for the bride and groom to come out so we could say "Congratulations!" and take pictures. Bryan and Kimbra came out of the temple and some people in our party cheered. The bride and groom plus family and friends posed for pictures on the stairs of the temple. The day felt beautiful and didn't get windy until just before we left.

Bryan and Kimbra had arranged to have a really fun wedding reception in Provo that night. They did a great job and made the event a true celebration. The food tasted awesome. Instead of a guest book they had a photo booth where participants could pose for pictures taken in black and white or color; and use props or not. The participants could keep one sheet of photos and put another sheet in a book with a note they had just written. The photo booth added to the entertainment and documented people's personalities well.

Bryan and Kimbra's Wedding Video

Bryan and Kimbra went on a cruise to the Bahamas for their honeymoon. They had a lot of fun and relaxed a bunch! They saw lots of exotic fish, ate some amazing dinners, and swam in beautiful water. They spent so much time in the sun that they got burned! (sad face)

At the Atlantis water park - Nassau, Bahamas

A little burned - but VERY happy!

They both graduated (on April 20, 2012) from BYU six days before they tied the knot.  Bryan graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Advertising and Kimbra graduated with a Bachelor of Science in Human Development. They studied hard in school but felt extremely glad when it ended.

BYU Graduation Day

I have a married son and a daughter. Kimbra's a very nice girl. She's so sweet and caring. Boys are sweet and caring too but in a different way. I didn't realize how like my boys I'd become but when she didn't laugh at some things I thought of as funny, I saw how masculine my thoughts and behaviors had become. After living in a predominantly male house, I feel happy about adding another girl to our family.

Bryan and Kimbra visited us for two weeks right after their honeymoon and attended a wedding open house for them here in Kansas. Per cooked some yummy things for dinner and Bryan, Kimbra, and I did some fun things during the day. I'm glad they visited us because it gave us more happy memories of them. I know that they need to live on their own and establish their married life, but I will miss them.

Nick Camillo (the guy who sang the song on their engagement video) gave them this as a wedding present.

Wedding Gift from Nick Camillo

Here's the actual engagement video:

Bryan and Kimbra's Engagement Video

I love them both very much and wish them much happiness in years to come!

Choosing Love over Hate

This morning, I heard an audio clip of the leader of the black panthers going on about how much he hates white people. He even called them crackers. It seems like freedom of speech is alive and well on the radio but if a child expresses their opinion in the classroom (also free speech) then it's slander if the teacher disagrees. Why is it OK for one person to speak their mind but not OK for someone else? One's opinion is never wrong - it's how they feel or what they think. To not allow certain opinions seems hypocritical to me.

As I heard the black panthers leader talk I thought give me a break, black people haven't been the only one's oppressed. I also thought just because a person has white skin, doesn't mean they're white. My dad had very dark skin. So much so that when he served in the Navy in the 1960's, when segregation still existed, an officer told him he couldn't use the white man's restroom because of the darkness of his skin. Segregation didn't exist only against the black person...but against anyone of color. I have white skin because I have some European heritage, but I also have some Hawaiian heritage. Am I a cracker just because my skin is more light than dark? Isn't judging me based on the color of my skin segregation? I find it ironic that a person who speaks against segregation seems to be doing that very thing.

I agree that oppression is wrong. I believe that no one should be forced to do anything. But I don't agree with being hateful because wrong things are done. We live in an imperfect world where inevitably wrong things happen. But we are free to choose how we will react. It comes down to whether we have hate or love in our hearts. The leader of the black panthers said hateful things. I could be hateful and bitter because injustices have been done to me and those I love, but I choose to be loving because that's the kind of character I want to have. My feelings get hurt but I'd rather forgive than hold a grudge.

I read somewhere that a person who holds on to anger is more susceptible to cancer. That makes sense to me because vile thoughts spread through the mind. Perhaps they also spread throughout the body and cause dis-ease when they are allowed to fester.

It's More Righteous to be Poor (my theory)

It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of God. (Mark 10:25)

And he began to be lifted up in the pride of his heart, and to wear very costly apparel...  (Alma 1:6)

I've noticed that some people make due with hand-me-downs rather than strive to have quality. Yet they try to get as rich as possible. It seems like a rich person is frowned upon whereas a poor person is accepted. Whether rich or poor, some people flaunt their money. What they appear to be or to have rather than who they are seems most important.

Per's theory may likely be true that if a person wins the lottery, they are a hero. But if a person earns or inherits their money, they are selfish.

Money has nothing to do with righteousness. The important thing is the desire of the heart. If money is loved more than God it's a problem. Money is not evil, the LOVE of money is. The scriptures above emphasize this.

My Mother(s)

Moms are just naturally nice. A mom does everything she can to make her child comfortable. Even though I'm grown and don't live with my mom I'll always love her. I have two moms now that I'm married, and honor them both today!

My Mom (Lynda)

Per's Mom (Monika)

Looking Back to the Next Generation

Bryan's marriage has caused me to reflect and realize I'm not in the current generation anymore. I feel weird realizing that my kids are grown and that I could be called "grandma" in a few years.

When I got married, at 22, being a grandparent seemed so far away. I had my second child at 25 and for the next 15+ years, Per and I focused on parenting. We watched our kids play soccer and football, listened to them fight, and tried to teach them even when they didn't want to listen.

We attended church, encouraged them, and gave them the benefit of the doubt. We went on family vacations (usually to visit other family) and gave them as many opportunities as we could. They usually thought the things we did were dumb and I consoled myself by thinking that one day they would appreciate it.

I made countless dinners for my family, sat up with my kids when they were sick, and kissed their boo-boo's when they got hurt. I sang songs to them, read them several books and played many games with them. I wanted to do everything I could for my kids because I loved them.

It felt hard for me to accept the discord of them wanting me when they were little but repelling my direction when they got older. (I knew of it being natural for kids to want their own identities because of being told what to say and do. I understood that after kids got older they realized they wanted to do what they thought. But when my kids did that, it didn't stop my feelings from hurting.) As a mom, I had always directed my kids and been in charge. After my kids became teenagers, and no longer wanted my direction, I felt like they no longer wanted me. I took their rejection personally.  (That's how I felt at the time, but today I know that just because they didn't want my direction didn't mean they didn't want a mother.)

When I stood in the thick of parenting, I thought those years would never end. Now that I no longer parent children, I look back on that time and consider it short. (I will probably live until I am at least 80. Eighteen years out of 80 doesn't seem very long.)

I think my real parenting starts now. The advice I'll give my adult children is based on life experience. Perhaps they'll ask me questions like "How do you handle...?" or "How do you do...?" (Just like with raising kids, there is no handbook or 'right' answer.) I will say what I know when my kids ask me a question and hope my words suffice.

Living in Tornado Alley

The emergency siren went off yesterday as I sat in the basement. The weatherman said the storm headed right for our house. The sirens go off every year but the threats are hardly ever close to our house. 

I hoped we wouldn't get any damage because last year, after it hailed in April (and after our insurance paid us,) we paid a company over $800 dollars of our own money to fix our broken stuff. (And they took nine months to do the work!)

As I sat in the basement, I thought please don't let it happen again as I waited for the storm to end. The storm totally passed over us and Andrew said "what a let-down." Personally, I felt happy. 

Per stayed in the kitchen (with the news on) and continued to cook dinner. He said "I'm not gonna let this food get ruined if the storm turns out to be nothing!" After the storm passed and Per declared the situation safe, I emerged from the basement and we sat at the table and ate what he cooked!

My friends in other parts of Olathe had hail, but we didn't. Their power went out for hours but ours only went out for seconds. Some people sighted a tornado to the south of us but it happened 20 streets away. 

I've lived in Tornado Alley for 21 years but, in all that time, I've never seen a tornado and only had hail damage twice. We live in what I call the Olathe jet stream. The wind always blows at Heritage Park (located just south of us) and the storms almost always go north or south. I feel glad to live in Johnson County. We may have severe weather but are rarely affected. 

If I lived in Eastern Kansas or Oklahoma I'd be more worried. If I lived there in a trailer, I'd be even more worried! Yet, people continue to live in those types of homes in those places - go figure. You never know where a tornado is going to hit...look at what happened in Joplin, MO. 

My kids learned about tornado safety in elementary school. They got scared every time they heard sirens.

One time, when we lived at the Wyncroft Hill apartments, the weatherman said a tornado might touch down only a mile away. The sirens went off and one of our sons started packing our bags. Per and I stood outside on our patio watching the storm. Our son came out to us and said "you'd better pack two pair of underwear in case you pee your pants." I laughed to myself but the siren truly scared him! Our other son wouldn't watch Twister. He had seen a similar scary movie at school.

I'm used to the sirens and the severe weather, but realize that the kids and new people get scared. 

Giving Things My All

My Microsoft Word program has a place to indicate spacing as 'At Least' or 'Exactly'. I could indicate either setting when making a document. If the text size would always be the same, I could say 'Exactly.' However, if the text size could fluctuate but I never wanted a line to be less than the spacing indicated, I could say 'At Least.'

I compare my Microsoft Word program to myself. In most things I do, I am exact. I want my food to taste the same every time so I follow recipes and always use the same ingredients. (I only use substitutions if the substitute will be the same or better.) I follow rules or at least try my hardest to do so: I'm not perfect and sometimes break rules, but if someone points out my error, and I agree, I do my best to rectify the situation.

I am exact in everything except painting. The walls in my home, that I've painted, are not painted perfectly. Even though they're imperfect, I think at least there's paint on the walls. I believe the painted walls are 'good enough'. However, I strive for perfection in most things.

My husband and children are perfectionists too. They give 100% to everything they do. They never settle for second best (unless they have no other choice.) And, they never say "Oh well." I appreciate that they do their all. My husband is more of a perfectionist than me. He doesn't accept less than a person's best for anything, but I do. I give people the benefit of the doubt whereas he thinks they could always do better.

We are nice but I believe intimidating. I think people are intimidated by us because we want everyone to try and to do their best. I believe that most people won't try new things because of fear. They are afraid they'll fail. They fear looking stupid too so they won't even try. (If they never try, they'll always be the same.) I estimate that they'll probably fail and look stupid the first time they try, but I firmly believe they need to do it anyway. An improved person never becomes more without failing and looking stupid along the way: the important thing to focus on is the end result not what it takes to get there.

It's hard for me to accept less than perfection now that I'm sick. I would do my hair better, and wear cuter clothes and shoes, and put labels and stamps straight on envelopes if I could, but I'm doing the best I can.

To me, accepting my limitations and saying "Oh well" are not the same thing. I may accept what I can do but it doesn't mean I like it. I push myself to do my best no matter my limitations. If I said "Oh well" I would give up and not care to even try.

Pay Attention to Me!

I read an excellent article on Facebook that my friend posted about experiencing things instead of immediately tweeting or posting a status on Facebook. To read the article, click here.

It's sad to realize that some people are so concerned with something else that they pay more attention to that rather than to their companion. This has gone on for a long time but is in the limelight again because people ignore their friends to look at their cell phones.

Distractions are a variety of things from another person's clothes, another conversation, another phone call, a program on TV, or a cell phone, to name a few things. How many times have I talked on the telephone to someone when they say "hang on, I have another call," or I'm talking to someone and they divert their attention to look at or listen to someone else, or they stop talking to me and instead watch something on TV, or their cell phone vibrates or they get bored so they concentrate on it.

Is it so hard for people to spend time with their friend? Are people's attention spans so small that they need to notice something else when they get bored? It seems like if people aren't constantly entertained they'll do something else. I'm glad I learned to sit and quietly listen but it's a skill some people don't display.

When a person is with me but then concentrates on something else, I feel ripped off. I think to myself am I not important enough to receive their undivided attention? They may apologize for getting distracted, and I may forgive them, but it's still rude.

When a person is with their friend they need to be fully present. That's the only way their friend will feel heard and believe they care. I agree, they need to leave their cell phone in their pocket.

Being Real

There's something to be said about being authentic and saying, "What you see is what you get." I've become that way since being sick and think I'm truly myself. Before I got sick I tried to keep up appearances. After getting sick I dropped the expectations I had for myself and thought, This is me, take it or leave it.

I thought I knew how other people behaved but I didn't. After getting sick, I saw that a lot of people wanted me to think they had it together when they didn't. They appeared perfect but I knew of perfection as an impossible achievement in this lifetime, and recognized that sooner or later everyone fell short. I wanted people to know this too, and to be their real selves. 

Perfection can never be fully achieved in this lifetime, but it's not okay to say, "I'll never be perfect so why try?" For some reason and for years, I expected perfection from myself. For example, I thought I should play the piano perfectly. My unrealistic expectations said, "If I can't then why try?" I got down on myself for my imperfect playing and chose to see only my faults; I only saw what I lacked. Eventually, I got so fed up with my imperfect playing that I didn't touch the piano for months.

I consider my piano example dramatic and rigid. Back then, I thought of life as black and white, this or that - no in-between. Since being sick I realize that instead of appearing perfect it's more beneficial to work on becoming the best person possible. (If I am good at something, I aim to be even better. If I don't have a certain quality and I want it I try my best to get it.)  I know now that it's only helpful to compare my progress to my previous self. I truly believe that progression is the important thing, not perfection.

I can see how when a person acts perfect, they could become too proud to admit the false identity. It's not bad to say, "I fall short." In fact, it's humble to admit weakness and inspiring to say, "but I'll try harder."

I wonder how a person could ever ask God to help them when they think they have nothing needing improvement. If they say, "I'm weak, I can't do it on my own, please help me" I think God will help them because of their humble and sincere plea. I know that God will help a person who takes the action to ask for help while they attempt to change. I believe that God wants people to do something instead of just wish.

Some people say that their neighbor thinks they're perfect. If they're right then it's sad because it's not true. The neighbor may APPEAR perfect, but usually what a person appears to be vs. who they are doesn't match.

I am convinced that actions speak louder than words. It's one thing for someone to say, "I want that" but another thing for them to work to get it. I love the saying, "I cannot hear what you say because who you are rings so loudly in my ears." I want people to be who they are in their hearts so that I can trust them.

I Will Never Stop Hoping

Sometimes people don't choose what I would. My heart has been broken and I've felt discouraged many times but I comfort myself by remembering 'that is what they choose today and I hope they'll choose differently tomorrow.'

Sometimes all I can do are two things: 1) pray that they'll choose the good thing and 2) think good things about them. I never stop loving them just because they choose something I wouldn't but it's hard to love someone who chooses something else. My human nature wants to punish, turn away from, and be mad at them. But what would that do? (Other than them not talking to me because I pushed them away.) I don't want them to be out of my life even though they broke my heart, therefore, I choose to be nice to them.

I hope that one day they'll choose better.

Some people do things differently than me. It's hard to think the best instead of the worst because thinking the best means I trust them. That's hard for me because I'm not very trusting. I question motives and tend to think the worst. When I do that, people probably think I'm mean and  don't want to talk to me. All I can say is that it's not because of them but because of my lack of trust that causes me to act this way.

I hope that one day I'll choose better.

Those two scenarios tell me that no one is perfect and that hoping for the best is a good thing.

He is Risen!

Easter is definitely my favorite holiday. I love it because I'm thankful  for three things, namely that Jesus Christ suffered for my sins, that He willingly gave his life on the cross, and that He rose from the tomb.

His resurrection gives me hope that one day I will be resurrected too. I  believe that when I die, my body will be buried in the ground but my spirit will go to heaven. If Jesus hadn't been resurrected and hadn't overcome death, then when I died that would have been it - my body and spirit would have gone to the grave. Thanks to His resurrection, my spirit can now go to heaven.

What a gift! Thank you Jesus for doing that for me. "I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me" is part of a song that my church sings and is how I feel today.

I am a Christian even though some people say that I'm not. They say that Mormon's aren't Christians for various reasons but I know that I am. I believe in Jesus Christ; that He's the Son of God; and that He will return again to rule the earth. I believe what Christian's believe and celebrate Jesus Christ today.

The Bible says Jesus said: "I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live" (John 11:25). All human beings were dead. Lucifier said to Eve that she would not die when she ate the forbidden fruit but he lied. Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit and brought death upon themselves and us. We needed someone who could break the bond of death and that's what Jesus Christ did. He overcame death and we will too: meaning that when we die we will go to heaven instead of just going to the grave.

Jesus said: "I lay down my life, that I might take it again; No man taketh it from me but I lay it down myself. I have power to lay it down, and I have power to take it again" (John 10: 17-18). He did what he said he would and it makes me believe the other things He said. He never said 'because I was resurrected, so shall you,' but throughout His life He talked about how people would go to heaven. For example, He said "In my Father's house are many mansions. I go there to prepare a place for you" (John 14:2) and He told the thief on the cross "Today thou shalt be with me in paradise" (Luke 23:43). If people didn't go to heaven He never would have indicated such a thing.

I'm thankful for Jesus Christ's example. I want to emulate him and am thankful that his life is documented in scripture. I feel grateful that he suffered for my sins in Gethsemene, died on the cross at Calvary, and rose again.

Addiction

We all need God's mercy - not just the addict. In a way we're all addicts. An addiction is something that is very hard (if not impossible) to quit. Some people are addicted to drugs, or cigarettes, or alcohol, or gambling, and it's easy to know a person does those things because we see them, but what about a person who has anger, or tells lies, or is encompassed by the desire to see pornography, or has a low self image, or is not able to wait?

Those unseen behaviors aren't considered addictions - we call them tendencies. Like "She tends to get mad," or "He tends to bend the truth," or "He tends to sit in secrecy and look at in appropriate things," or "She tends to be so hard on herself," or "He tends to be impatient."

We want to think we are better than the addict but we aren't. We may not smoke or drink, but we all have addictions to things that are hard or impossible to quit. When we get fed up with our behavior, we ask God to help us. He will if we sincerely want to quit. That's the problem, we want to quit but we don't.

Truthfully, most people have become used to their addiction and don't know what will happen when they give it up. They need to trust that their life will be okay and that they'll be able to live without it. Rationally speaking, they're not gonna curl up in a ball and die when they give it up. They need to believe that bad behavior will be replaced with good behavior. They need to know that they're strong and can handle more than they thought.

I hope they won't be like Smeagol in The Lord of the Rings who confronted Golum (his schitzophrenia.) Smeagol said "leave now and never come back" but when Golum left, Smeagol wanted him to come back. Smeagol wanted to have his friend even though Golum brought him down. Golum had been a part of Smeagol's life for so long and he didn't really want to give him up (even though it seemed nice.)

Once I heard a person say "we keep a summer cottage in Babylon." I think the speaker meant that we give up our addictions, but not completely. We give up most of our addiction but then visit it in the summer. If we keep doing that, eventually the addiction will return and we will end up not only having a summer cottage but also a house where it lives all the time.

All we can do is be willing to give it up. I think some things can't be eliminated without God's help. It would be unfortunate to avoid giving something up because of not understanding how God does it. I don't know how He does it, but I know that He does. I know that when we sincerely want His help, He gives it. Perhaps He removes the desire, or gives us knowledge, or strengthens us to be able to endure the burden, or all of the above.

Patient and Loving

Most people want things done right now. They also want them to be done the "right" way. If the thing doesn't get done when or how they want then they tend to force. They nag and complain until it's done. As part of their nagging, they threaten.

Being forced to do something doesn't feel good. No one wants to be told what to do. People like to be asked. They want to be treated like a person, and given respect.

When "do this" is said, what will happen if it doesn't get done also needs to be said. Saying "Please take out the trash before you leave. If you don't then you can't go. If you leave without doing it I'll call you to come back and do it" let's the person know what is expected. It also puts the choice on them. If they choose not to follow instructions then they suffer the consequences. Most likely, they will do it and both people will be happy.

Will it hurt anything if it's done in five minutes and not right now? What's the rush? If it's done later isn't that okay? I think the people who want it done now don't want the person to forget. Waiting says "I believe you'll do it." Maybe patience is a virtue because waiting is hard. But I think patience gives the other person respect.

Force causes power struggles and animosity.

"I will be mad at them if they don't do what I say" is mean. It's loving to be persuasive. It also takes more effort to be persuasive than to bark orders. It takes time to think of what to say than to just say "don't do it." If I say "don't get a tatoo" I may have my reasons for not doing it but the other person may not agree. If I get mad and alienate them because they did it, they might not want to be around me because I alienated them.

Perhaps they won't always do what I would, but that doesn't mean I stop loving them.

I believe that people need to be loved regardless of what they do. Humans tend to give more or less love to a person based upon what they do. If someone does something considered wrong the tendency is to love them less than when they do something considered right. That's conditional. I want to have unconditional love.

I thinks it's necessary to separate who someone is from what they do. That way they can always be loved regardless of what they do. In scriptural terms "Love the sinner, not the sin."

Reacting to Honesty and Understanding the Meaning

When someone is honest with me they run the risk of me getting mad or defensive. They feel like they're walking on egg shells because they don't want to upset me. They want to be honest but they don't want me to be mad at them.

My family is honest even if it hurts the other person. They say how they feel and the other person listens. When I'm the other person, usually I cry (because the truth hurts) but I most likely change because they're right.

Recently I went on a ride with Andrew which gave us the chance to talk. I appreciate our talks because he is honest, understanding, and kind. I know he cares about me. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings when he says something true, but he wants to say how he feels and be understood. Therefore, I listen, hear him, and make the changes that I can.

I want to be the best person possible. How can I be that unless people are honest?

Andrew described the circle of life so well. He compared life to a globe. He said that a baby's globe is the size of a marble. As we have experiences, our globes grow. Then, as we age, they shrink but never to the size of a marble because we've had experiences. He said that everyone's globe is a different size.

He said that some people considered the things on their globes to be no big deal or small. He indicated that to me those same things were big. He said that perhaps people considered it no big deal to put on socks or to shower, but to me those same things were a big deal because they took a lot of effort.

I appreciated that he understood why I reacted to some things in a certain way.

Sometimes people can't understand why I make such a big deal about something that to them is small. Perhaps when I blow up they just shake their heads in confusion. Things are a big deal to me because they take my effort or I consider them important. I know that most likely when I throw a fit it won't change anything but I want people to understand what I mean.

I like this quote: "Seek first to understand then to be understood."

Sometimes it's hard for me to understand a person because I'm not really listening. Perhaps I think I already know so I tune them out. I need to consider that perhaps I don't know and that's why they keep saying it.

To understand someone I need to listen, internalize what they said, and possibly change.

Forgiveness and Letting Things Go

Forgiveness is a tough word. If I feel I can't forgive (because I was wronged and the thing can never be made right) I could at least let it go and have it stop affecting me.

When I think of forgiveness I think of having  "forgiven" only one person in my life. That situation was beyond my ability to fix. All I could think of was that God would make things right. Eventually, I was able to forgive the person (although they never asked for my forgiveness) and genuinely love them. If I hadn't forgiven them I would have felt their control in my mind and it would have affected me for as long as I let it.

I used to be controlled by unfair things and cry when I saw bad things happen to people. I saw them as injustices and wanted them corrected. They made me feel the control my own situation had over me. I felt sad.

My personal injustice could only be remedied by not letting the thing that controlled me do that any more. I let it go and didn't even hold a grudge. I felt happy. I took a stand and told the person I would no longer sweep their lies under the rug. It didn't stop them from being them but it allowed me to be me.

It's not true that I've only forgiven one time. I've let many things go and not allowed them to affect me. Life is full of unfair things but I believe that God will make things right.

I just watched my church's general conference and one of the speakers said that if you are contentious then Stop It! He was talking about siblings quarreling or fighting. He made me think about how I felt contentious about some things. He said that even if you feel you're right you should stop fighting. I thought about how I felt right about the things that made me mad and how even though I felt right I needed to stop feeling angry.

I realized that anger was like a spreading cancer and the only way to get rid of it was to eliminate it...to stop it...to let it go. I let my anger go and could see how bitter I'd become. I could see how my upset feelings had hurt other people and not just affected me.

I believe that forgiveness and letting things go is not for the other person but for me. The other person may not even think they did anything wrong. They will probably never ask me for forgiveness. They may never see my point but God will. He will be on my side and make things right. When I'm able to let unfair things go I live in the moment instead of the past. When I stand up to wrong things I don't allow them to control me. When I hold grudges and don't let things go, they fester, grow, and spread like cancer. I say let it go and be happy!

There's No Such Thing as Multi-Tasking at 100%

It's impossible to give 100% to multiple things at the same time. However, most women like to do multiple things. It's not unheard of for most women to: listen to the TV, cook, talk on the phone, and tend to a person's question - all at the same time!

Women who try to do multiple things think they are being productive. But are they? Or are they just keeping busy?

Women always want to have something to do. Relaxing, or doing nothing - to most of them - is the same as sleeping. If they see a person who, in their opinion, is doing nothing, they may think if you have nothing to do, I'll give you something.

Most men, want to do just one thing. If they are cooking - then they are cooking. If they are watching TV - then they are watching TV, and so on. They want to give 100% attention to whatever they do. Men who do just one thing frustrate most women. A frustrated woman may wonder why can't he cook AND watch TV? And he may wonder what good would it do if I don't give my all to the thing?

Women who try to do multiple things at the same time run around like chicken's with their heads cut off. If they worked on just one thing until it got completed they would put more effort into the thing...and get it done!

I thought I didn't like to cook. I cooked so we could eat. I thought that my husband loved to cook because he put TLC into it. Well, he gave 100% to his cooking and I gave 50%. If I gave my cooking 100% and put TLC into it, I know my family would love it.

I think women give 50% instead of 100% because what they do is expected. Families don't expect the dad's to do domestic things at home - that's the mom's or the woman's job. It's the woman's job because she pays attention to the details and makes things beautiful. Women see the details that men don't.

But, I repeat my first statement: It's impossible to give 100% to multiple things at the same time.

It Never Hurts to be Nice

Andrew's video The Little Things reminds me of two things. 1) President Monson's story 2) The Mormonad that implies including a person who seems left out. 

Click here to watch The Little Things.

The story from President Monson (the leader of my church) is this: to paraphrase "be nice."

He said that he and his wife used to have a paper boy who threw their newspaper everywhere but on their porch. Among other places, he found the paper in the bushes, on the lawn, and on the driveway. A neighbor knocked on the door one time when President Monson was at work. His wife answered the door and the neighbor explained to her that a petition had been started to get the boy fired. The neighbor asked her to sign the petition. She said she wouldn't and that she didn't think it was right.

One evening President Monson came home to a very upset and crying wife. After several minutes, his wife calmed down enough to tell him what was wrong. She explained about the petition and said she was glad she didn't sign it because the boy had killed himself. He was found dead in his car in his garage. He had taken his life after being fired from his job.

President Monson said that we can never be too nice. He said that we never know what a person is dealing with in their personal life. He indicated how we will never know the ramifications of our actions. Our unkind word or deed could be the last straw for someone and cause them to do something drastic. That's why we need to be nice.

KC is Getting a Mormon Temple!

I've been to see the KC temple while it's being constructed. The completion day is soon here! No more driving for four hours to the St. Louis temple. Soon and in just 45 minutes I will be walking into the house of the Lord. Before each temple is dedicated, it is open to the public. It's called an open house. Anyone can get the rare opportunity to see inside the beautiful structure. Once dedicated, only those with temple recommends will be allowed beyond the foyer.

Click here to see the invitation to visit the KC Temple open house.

When a person goes in the temple they will feel great peace. I'm grateful to have this opportunity in my life.

No One Likes Change

People like variety but no one likes change. People like to do different things but they want the core things they know to reliably be there. People depend on their knowledge, their ability, their family, and their country. And, they are really creatures of habit. If something familiar in their life changes - they don't like it. They want what they know. They don't want the new thing but the thing with which they are familiar.

In job interviews the question is often asked: "how are you with change?" They probably mean "are you comfortable doing whatever is asked, or would you rather do the same thing only?"

Imagine asking an assembly line worker (who does the same thing over and over) how they are with change. (Actually, I think some assembly line workers like variety. But they also like getting a paycheck. I think that's why they'll do whatever they are told - even if it's the same thing eight hours a day and seven days a week.)

There is a difference between a person who likes to do various things and a person who likes to do just one thing. Think of an assistant who never knows what they might do and a person who does data entry all day. Both people probably think I would never do that. The assistant probably thinks the data entry job seems boring. The data entry person probably thinks the assistant's job seems unsure.

Both people do different things, but neither of them would like something with which they are familiar to change.

President Obama's political platform was change. People elected him because they wanted things to change but when things changed too drastically, people said "I wanted change but not that kind of change." Now some people want to elect someone who will put things back to the way they were. People say things are broken in Washington. They call for reform. They say they want it but do they really? If reform happens and things change, I'm guessing that people won't like it and will want it to go back to the way it was. In my opinion, our President is the only thing in Washington that will ever change.

Misconceptions About My Church

I believe that if people understood The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (not what they think they know) maybe they would embrace or respect it.

Some people get offended by the word "church." They think I'm trying to convert them but I'm not. I know that many of them have their own religions. I just want them to know the truth about my church, not what they heard, or what they've been told, and respect what I believe. Instead, they have pre-conceived notions. They think they know how my church is but they don't.

I've been a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints all my life but no one asks me about what I believe. Instead they listen to non-members, or people who hate my church, or people who used to be members but now they aren't. It bugs me that people listen to them and think they know how my church is.

Polygamy has NOT been practiced in my church it for over 100 years but it's the first thing people associate with Mormons. When people find out someone is Mormon, they say "how many wives do you have?" My church is against polygamy, but there are polygamists in Utah. The polygamists are not Mormons. They don't mind using my church's internet technology but they do mind being called a Mormon because they aren't. They are a group of people who broke away from my church. Shows like Big Love and Sister Wives glamorize polygamy - and confuse people. Those shows make people wonder if the characters are Mormon or not - they are not. The characters have a lot of the same beliefs as Mormons but they aren't Mormons.

Mormons don't believe in smoking or drinking or having sex before marriage. Just because other people do, they hold it against the people in my church and say "who do you think you are?" Mormons stand up for values, and doing the right thing but people don't like anyone who has high standards so they tease or bully.

They say Mormons aren't Christian because they believe in other scriptures and modern-day revelation. Who gets to determine the Christian definition? Mormons have Jesus Christ in the name of their church. They don't bash other religions. They try to love everyone. If that's not Christian, then I don't know what is. One thing I do know is saying that Mormons aren't Christian isn't very Christian.

I've heard that people think of Mormons as sheep who just blindly follow what their leaders say. Isn't the opposite really true? Aren't people like sheep when they blindly listen to anti-Mormon propaganda without verifying the truth for themselves?

I am convinced that people want to think wrongly of my church because negativity is attractive. People like the drama that badness brings rather than the inspiration that goodness brings.

If people want to know the truth about my church, they should ask me or a long-time member, or the missionaries, and be open and not quick to judge what they hear.

I Love Music

The kind of music I love most is choral music. I sang in choir starting at twelve but have sung for as long as I remember. When I began singing in choir I had just entered the seventh grade in junior high school. Our choir did a musical called Christmas on Elm Street.  I sang and acted one of the main characters.

Some people hear instruments first then voices. I hear voices first, then words, then instruments. Some words, like Come! Come! Ye Saints, stir my soul to tears. Other times I am stirred by the music (instruments, voices, and words) like when I hear The Last Words of David. I hear not just the soprano part, but also alto, tenor, and bass. It's probably because in my high school choir I had to sit and quietly listen as the conductor worked with other people and their parts. I am grateful that I learned to hear other parts because I appreciate each one. I am also grateful that I was required to memorize music because it's a skill that I have to this day.

Last night I listened to my favorite choir, The Mormon Tabernacle Choir. I wanted to be a part of that choir for years. Now that I can't sing I look forward to singing in the heavenly choir. I heard my favorite choir sing Ubi Caritas Et Amor and it touched me deeply - I thought how beautiful. Gaelic Blessing, My Song In The Night and Choose Something Like a Star reminded me of high school because our choirs sang them.

It's impossible for me to have a favorite song. I like all of my music and they are all my favorites for one reason or another.