Never Quit Trying

I could be somewhere today, and get hit by a bus - all that can be said is that my life is over. I believe that if I want to do something, or go somewhere, or be something I need to make a plan to do it - then try my best to make it happen as soon as possible. I don't want to just wish and hope for the best, but really try to make my dreams come true.

I remember watching a reality show and thinking, I'm sitting here watching someone else live their life. I think reality shows are fine, but not to the point that I don't do anything and am satisfied with just watching somebody else do it. There are things that I see that I don't want to do myself, but sometimes the things I see give me motivation to do it, or go there, or be that, and I believe that I need to do all that I can to make my dream a reality. 

I watch certain movies, read specific books, and imagine myself doing, going, and being what I watch and read. That's all fine and good, but if I only wish and never do, then I will always be sad that I didn't even try to make my wishes happen. I won't give up! I'm alive and capable of overcoming my fear. I vow to never quit trying until I quit breathing.

Marriage Doesn't Have to Include Divorce

I watched Susan Shapiro Barash give an interview about a book she wrote called, The Nine Phases of Marriage: how to make it, break it, keep it. During her interview she said, "Divorce is a part of marriage." I disagree with her statement and believe that divorce is only a part of marriage when there's no commitment to marriage. In my grandparents' time, people worked out their differences. Back in the day, when marriage became hard, people didn't throw in the towel but stayed together "for better or for worse."

A lot of people in today's world don't even get married because they are already committed to each other. But if a couple isn't married, what stops them from parting ways when things get hard? 

Sometimes bad behavior happens when a marriage becomes hard, including affairs and viewing inappropriate things on the Internet. Dishonest people cover-up their bad behavior by lying, which makes their marriage worse, because they have to deal with an additional thing (lying.) I'm for things that strengthen marriage including: honesty, fidelity, and selflessness. Marriage doesn't have to include divorce unless the partners give up.

Contentment (Happiness)

Recently, I heard someone talk about being content, and I appreciate their words. I haven't always felt the contentment that I feel now. I used to feel frustrated because I wished to have something that I didn't. I might have wished to live in another place, or to have another job, or for people to make the 'right' choices, or to earn more money, or to have different things. I thought, 'if only [something]' then I'd be happy.

Basically, I felt mad about what I didn't have, I didn't accept my life, and, frankly, I didn't want to. I wanted the thing I didn't have and I wouldn't be happy until I got it. I didn't know that accepting my life meant feeling happy about the things I did have, and being happy while trying to get what I wanted. Bottom line accepting my life meant counting my blessings, seeing the doughnut not the hole, and realizing that the cup was half full not half empty.

The speaker said there were two things that could make me unhappy: 1) Comparing myself to others, and 2) not forgiving. I see how those two things could hold me back from living my life, and keep me angry instead of happy. Hearing the speaker made me think of this:

First, when comparing myself to anyone else, I wish I had/did/could be what they have/do/are; I think,they're great and I suck. When they get a break, instead of feeling happy for them, I feel jealous. I truly believe this: They are my enemy and I hate them because I wish I was like them. (I would never admit that out loud, but in my heart it's how I feel.) When I only compare me to myself, I try to become improved. I don't hate myself or say, "I suck," but honestly tell myself the truth and strive to become better. I'm not perfect, sometimes I make mistakes, but as I learn from my mistakes I become improved. 

Second, when I don't forgive, it hurts me way more than it ever hurts them (if it even hurts them at all.) When I don't forgive them, I just replay the unfairness in my mind and feel justified in believing, "I'm right and you're wrong." If I would let the unfairness go, I would never think of it's sting and carry on with my life. Life isn't fair. After the unfairness blows over, I have a choice to make, will I 1) continue to be mad, or 2) let it go and be happy?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become bitter. I may feel justified, but every time I think about it, I'll get more mad. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the thing, but letting it go so that I'm free and not controlled. Forgiveness is truly for me not them; it is for my heart, not theirs. Nobody's perfect, somebody will eventually do something that hurts me. The question is, when they hurt me will I retaliate or mercifully let it go?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become arrogant. I will think of the unfair situation and wonder, 'How could they do that to ME?' I will tell myself that I won't forgive them unless they grovel at my feet and beg for mercy. I ask two things: 1) If the tables were turned, would I want to grovel? 2) If the tables were turned, wouldn't I want the other person to show me compassion? I hope I will be kind.

I believe what I heard about contentment, that unfair comparisons and non-forgiveness keeps me from feeling happy. I hope that I will -be happy for what others have, -only compare myself to me, -let unfairness go, and -be happy. I really loved hearing that talk.

Blueberry or Acai Berry

Per bought some cups of Greek yogurt at Sam's Club. The box contained two flavors: blueberry and superfruit (açai). If superfruit is based on flavor then I'd say it's  the blueberry because it isn't in the yogurt with anything else (açai is also with pomegranate and raspberry.) Perhaps açai doesn't taste good on its own (like the blueberry) and has to be paired with another flavor to make it palatable.

I just read about açai on Wikipedia and the açai berry comes from the açai palm. (The same tree from which hearts of palm are harvested.) The açai berry is mostly pit, which is ground into a pulp. (No wonder it doesn't taste good - we're eating pulp not berry!) Claims have been made about the fruit's antioxidant properties, but no claims have been scientifically proven. Studies have shown that açai has more potency than than cranberry, orange or apple, but not as much as pomegranate or blueberry. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia: 

The medical watchdog website Quackwatch noted that "açai juice has only middling levels of antioxidants - less than that of Concord grape, blueberry, and black cherry juices, but more than cranberry, orange and apple juices." The extent to which polyphenols as dietary antioxidants may promote health is unknown, as no credible evidence indicates any antioxidant role for polyphenols in vivo.

I think the açai berry is a fad. Many companies use it in false advertising. Based on what I just read, the blueberry is definitely still the superfruit.

Update to Following a Low-Fat Diet

I've been eating no red meat and low-fat foods for over five months now. In January I said it would probably take me a year to get used to this new way of eating. I think that it may take me a year to adjust in some ways but not in others. I am surprised at how quickly I got used to not eating red meat (beef, pork, and dark meat poultry) - maybe three weeks! I never missed eating red meat, but we had to remember to use ground turkey instead of ground beef. (We can't tell a difference between ground beef or turkey when the meat is in a sauce or covered with seasoning-for example spaghetti sauce, chili, taco soup, or taco meat.)

Ground turkey is actually quite good! It doesn't brown like beef, but if you make patties and coat them with bread crumbs (Panko bread crumbs taste good) the bread crumbs brown and the meat is moist. Per is a great cook and has made a lot of yummy things! Creativity is needed in cooking to avoid a rut.

I was worried about our Super Bowl snacks but we adjusted our menu to include low-fat yummy things and didn't miss the other things at all! (We didn't have a bacon explosion [sniff-sniff] but didn't mind not having the extra calories!) I didn't realize how poorly I ate until I started eating better. I've made different food choices starting in 2013 and physically have felt better - instead of tired or crappy - after eating.

My clothes are looser. I still wear the same size, but I truly think the changes in my diet have prevented me from gaining more weight. (I'm glad that I haven't had to buy a bigger size - I've worn the same size for over five years!) I truly think I was on a path to gain and my new diet stopped the direction.

The thing that is hardest to eat is low-fat. If I don't stay aware, the fat creeps back into my diet. I get lax about the foods I eat and what is the first thing that gets worse? Fat. I find myself eating fattening things - usually junk - and have to consciously tell myself to stop. Let's face it, fatty foods taste good! Let me face it, fatty foods stick to my body like glue! It's discouraging to know that I practically gain weight by looking at food! (Unfortunately for me) I don't have a high metabolism or a body that allows me to eat whatever I want without gaining an ounce. Luckily for me, I've had to watch what I eat my whole life so making a food change is not new to me. (It IS new to Per, however, because being a bean pole as a kid allowed him eat whatever he wanted without ever gaining a pound.) If I choose to eat a lot of fatty foods like butter, mayo, or sauce, I'll surely gain weight. I've eaten things then later wondered why I thought it was okay. Anyway, food seems to be my plight in life....but, I digress.

We eat a lot of ground turkey, chicken breast, and seafood. I haven't noticed a dramatic difference but I think the changes are subtle.

Women's Rights is Really Feminism

The word 'feminism' is now 'women's rights'. Feminism was in the 70's, but women's rights is today. It's a ploy that at it's core says, "Women don't need men." Women CAN do a lot of things that men can, but men want to do it and I say, "Let them! Let men be men. Let them be knights in shining armor, chivalrous, and the one who fights evil and saves the princess." They are programmed to take the lead and, frankly, women need to let them.

Women need to lay down their pride of thinking they need to be first, and let men do it. Men are being treated so unfairly by women, when they both need each other. Neither is better than the other - men aren't better because they are stronger, and women aren't better because they have charm - they each have things about them that draw them to the other. But people aren't willing to put up with weaknesses, and the person they once loved becomes the person they now hate.

I think a lot of divorce happens because they pridefully and selfishly say, "I don't need you" instead of working out their problems. Working it out takes a lot of humility and cooperation. We can't control what other people do, but we can control how we are. I ask, "Are we loving or bitter? Do we allow ourselves to get more angry at unfairness or do we let it go and move on?" We all choose how we act. Let's realize the evil trick, so we don't get sucked into the lies, and move on with our lives.

Inspiring Video

I saw this inspiring video, and wanted to post it: Inspiring Video

The video shows a veteran in a wheelchair who is trying to walk, a young girl at a dance audition, and a guy with a knee brace lining up to run a race. The video shows each of them doubting their abilities, but, regardless of the outcome, attempting to reach their goals. The song says, "Didn't always hear 'YES' as much as I heard 'NO' and later it says, "I can do anything". 

The video shows the guy in the wheelchair standing, the girl dancing, and the guy with the brace running. I don't know if they achieved their goals or not, but that's not really the point. The point is that they tried instead of regretting that they didn't.

The guy who sang the song has Autism, Asperberger's, OCD, ADD, and Tourette's Syndrome. He has many challenges, but he doesn't let his disabilities stop him from trying. He may fail, but the lessons he learns far outweigh the failures.

A lot of people don't try for many reasons; they're afraid they'll look stupid, they're afraid they'll fail, they're afraid people will laugh at them, they're afraid they'll get in over their head, and on, and on, and on. They let being afraid stop them. Yes they may look stupid, yes they may fail, yes people may laugh, yes they may be in over their head, but the important thing is that they try. They are smart and strong. When facing a challenge, they'll figure it out. (At least they can say, "I did it" even though they felt afraid.) 

People can do more than they believe. I hope that people will try even when they feel scared.

Sleeping In

I now know that it is impossible, where I live, to sleep in for these reasons: 1) The construction trucks (building a grocery store down the street, and widening the road behind my house) are quite loud and beep a lot, 2) Telemarketers call my phone (even though it's on several 'do not call' lists. Luckily, it doesn't ring in my room, but I can hear it ring in the kitchen and it still wakes me up,) and 3) People run lawn mowers. It's a musical symphony outside! Basically, it's not quiet.

My bedroom window is open because when the thermostat says 'heat', it gets really warm in my room (I'm talking REALLY warm!) I like my room to be cool (in the lower 60's) so 78 degrees, even with the ceiling fan on, isn't going to cut it! The noise outside is even more clear with my bedroom window open. Those three things weren't the first noises I heard this morning; the birds won when they started chirping at 530am. (Did you know that birds chirp at 330 in the morning? I thought their nest was in a nearby tree, but recently learned that it's in the gutter on my roof...by my bedroom window! Good times :)

I have a feeling that the majority of these noises are only going to be more prevalent as the weather warms. What will I do? Not sleep in!

My Attitude

I've been reading my online journal from the beginning (Jan 2009) to now. I'm a lot different now than back then! I see how sad and frustrated I felt because of the changes in my life (that came on suddenly-and stayed.) I didn't want to accept my illness - my trial, but, as a reality, had to. I see how angry I felt when I had learned some truths while writing my book. Five years have passed since my diagnosis, and now I feel much more accepting of my illness, less sad, less frustrated about my life, more authentic and truthful, and more accepting of people.

Did I experience depression or grief? I say that I grieved my loss. I never felt a black cloud hover over me, nor did I have a hopeless feeling that lingered. I felt great sadness for losing my abilities, and great frustration for wanting the past, but I didn't stay permanently sad and frustrated. I think that time has helped me to accept my fate, and optimism has helped me to see the good in a bad situation.

I've said, "This sucks!" many times. I've also learned things that have caused me to change and to cope. I think that acknowledging the crap but not having an eternally crappy attitude has helped me to continue to progress.

Long ago, I experienced depression. I felt a dark cloud hover over me and wrote sad poetry. I thought my life would always be my current experience. My depression didn't end until changes happened in my life - changes that felt like a light switch; my depression suddenly went away when my life changed, and then my attitude went from sadness to happiness. When my depression went away, I could see 'a light at the end of the tunnel,' and looked forward to the future instead of just letting my current life get me down.

When I compare my depression from long ago to how I feel now (as well as to ways I've felt over the last five years,) the feelings aren't the same. With my current trial, I've never felt myself spiral down to lingering sadness, even though I've felt very sad. For me, a blessing in my life was my shift in thinking, from feeling sadness and despair to feeling hope and gratitude. I have surely felt negative things, but have never lost hope nor gratitude - in fact those two things have helped me to endure my trial.

I could have sunk into depression five years ago when I felt scared and didn't know why things were happening, but a thought reminded me that it could be worse. I thought about the things that I had experienced (eye problems, walking problems) and felt grateful that my problems weren't worse! In the last five years, I've had many 'it could be worse' experiences that have caused me to feel gratitude instead of sadness. The shift in my thinking (to look for good instead of bad) has helped me tremendously!

I believe in hoping to receive my dreams as well as in honestly acknowledging my reality. I didn't wish to get sick in 2008, but I did wish for things in my life to change. My life may not be how I imagined it, but the blessings I've received far outweigh my current trial. I refuse to let myself go to a bad place - in my mind, or in any other way.

Why I Am Focused and Religious

I behave based on what's in my heart. The thing I want most in my heart is eternal life - I want to live again with God and JC. The first year after getting sick, I realized that I could spend my entire life focusing on things that didn't matter - things that could be taken away - and never develop (focus on) the things that DID matter and that would never be taken away - my character (see Behavior vs. Attributes in November 2009.) I decided to focus on the important things to me: my family relationships, my character, and my relationship with God.

I want my goal some day, but want to have Godly attributes in my character right now. (I could go somewhere today, get hit by a bus, and be killed. I don't know for how long my life will be - I assume, but, in truth, simply don't know. No matter for how long I live, I want to be prepared now for when I meet God.) I want to be real - not just appear real because I know that I can't fool Him; He who looks at my heart. I want to be the same...both on the inside and outside - I don't want to look nice on the outside but on the inside be filled with dead men's bones.

Fast forward to today. I'm focused and religious because I only develop in me what matters most. I've dropped the things that really don't matter and have tried to focus on the things that do matter (my character.) I'm authentic, and believe that I'm someone who could live in God's presence. I live with no regrets. I love the words to Kenneth Cope's song "Treasure the Truth" and believe what they say.

Treasure the Truth

Treasure, lost in a field.
Found by a traveler, then quickly concealed. 
Rejoicing, he gives up his all,
To have the treasure, the Kingdom of God. 

Jesus knew we were lost. 
He came as a traveler to cover the cost. 
Unfailing, He paid with His death. 
Hoping we'd join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Now truly we see what we are.
For treasure will govern the heart. 
And if His heart moved Him to die, so we could live, 
Then His treasure is you and I. 

There's treasure waiting in heaven, 
For all who follow the truths He has given. 
He bids us come, so that's what I will do. 
To have this treasure, I'll treasure the truth. 

Truly we show what we are, 
For treasure will govern our hearts. 
And if our hearts will give up all to live with Him, 
Then our treasure's the Son of God. 

Like treasure laid in a tomb 
Brought forth triumphant in glorious view. 
I pledge my faith, and all that I can do, 
To win His treasure, He is my treasure, 
To be His treasure, I'll treasure the truth.

Giving in to Fear Just Leads to Having More Fear. Be Strong!

The most helpful thing to me has been reading about the voices in the book Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence. In that chapter it says that there are three voices in everyone's head: The first voice says positive things; The second voice says negative things; And the third voice wonders which is right. (Imagine a confused person with a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other shoulder who holds their hands up as if questioning which one to listen to. One voice says, "Do it" another voice says, "Don't do it" and the person thinks, what should I do?)

For years I had a little voice in my head that said bad things to me and made me doubt myself. I listened to that little voice, even though I didn't like it, because I wondered if it said the truth. About ten years ago I learned that it had been lying to me and began thinking good things. (Ever since I got sick the little voice stopped talking to me - and never came back. I don't know why it stopped, but, being the religious person that I am, I choose to consider it a gift from God because He loves me.) Recently, I read the following story and thought the wolves were like the little devil and angel on the person's shoulders:

An old Cherokee told his grandson: "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth."

The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed." 

How true that the dominant voice in my mind is the one I feed.

Last week, Per and Andrew both went on trips, leaving me home alone with Fluffy. For five days I felt fine. (Albeit a little bored at night, but mentally and emotionally OK.) On day six, I sat upstairs doing something in the kitchen. Someone impatiently rang my doorbell three times, and by the time I opened the door he stood at the end of my driveway on his phone. I let my imagination see a bad possibility that scared me. He held a clipboard and could have been talking to his boss, but I also considered the possibility that he had called a thief to tell them to rob my home because no one answered the door. I let my fear go so far as to text my son, text a friend, turn on every light in the house, turn on the TV, lock every lock, move the key that unlocks my room, and lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. 

I worried all night about a robber getting me. Every time I saw the light outside my bedroom door, I thought about the bad scenario and felt more scared. The next day I thought about how if a robber wanted to do something bad, they'd find a way to do it; I might deter them but if they wanted to do a bad thing, they would.

There are many things that I don't like and that scare me, but I tell myself, "You can handle it!" I'd rather be tough than fearful. I prefer to think, I can! I'm strong and capable of doing hard things. I fed my fear that day and it became stronger. Had I not given in to fear I would have been strong, and, although scared, I would have thought, You can handle it instead of thinking, I'm more scared now. In retrospect, I would have been mentally and emotionally fine had I not fed my fear. People are strong and capable of handling things - I hope they will be strong even when they feel scared.

United We Stand

To Americans over 30:

I have more in common with you than I don't. I relate to you in many ways (jobs, kids, spouses, nationalities, interests, sports, music, movie preferences, patriotism, and many more things.) I want to get along with you and share what we have in common; I see the doughnut in you more than the hole. I won't say things that divide us, but will say things that unite us to be friends. I'm reminded of this part of this song:

For united we stand, divided we fall,

And if our backs should ever be against the wall,

We'll be together, together, you and I.

I remember that song being a sort-of motto of America in the 70's and 80's. Do you remember that? Back then, people sang about unity. These days, it seems like people sing about division. Back then, the Civil Rights movement had just occurred and people had the focus of coming together. These days, it seems like Civil Rights are tearing us apart.

Back in the day, patriotism got displayed openly in this country. These days, it seems like some Americans are ashamed of their country. I've noticed that most Americans are patriotic...but in private; I wish they would openly show their patriotism. If something bad happens to America, then people are openly patriotic, but if nothing bad happens to America, then some Americans aren't very patriotic; maybe they think, let them do it. A lot of Americans showed their patriotic pride after 9/11. I saw many flags and patriotic attitudes. But the longer time goes away from 9/11/2001, the less American pride I see. 

I hope to see flags flown, not hear talk about our freedom to burn them. I hope that we'll sing patriotic songs, so they won't become memories. I hope that we'll have parades, and be proud of our country everyday of the year - not just on July 4th. 

I won't become an example of hate to my children. I believe that we all choose how to react to unfairness. I will be nice, merciful, and loving, and I hope that you will, too. Instead of complaining in my home about how great this country used to be, I want to make it great again! This world is my children's home and right now it's getting destroying by hate. I will be the change I want to see in the world. I won't get mad because the other guy won't change, but will give mercy to him and hope that if the tables were turned, mercy would be given to me. I want my kids to continue the patriotism of America, so I will talk about America's greatness. This world doesn't have to go downhill, but I can only control what I do. I will be friendly, kind, and the sort of person that others want to be around.

I know that other people besides Americans read my blog. I'm an American and love my country, but anyone can be a patriot. Bottom line: I hope that we will see what unites us, and have more love in our hearts. We're the good guys and need to only fight with the enemy. This world is worsening because of negativity, and needs people who lift, unite, and inspire. I hope that can be you and me.

Doing My Best vs. The Best

All I can do is my best. I'm not perfect but I do the best I can. I expect the best from myself, not the least. When I make a mistake, all I can do is -admit it, -say I'm sorry, and -try better the next time.

Expecting myself to always be perfect is impossible. I'm human and sooner or later will make a mistake. It's wrong to expect myself, or anyone, to never fail. When I fail, I will learn from my mistakes and have a deeper resolve, but will I also get mad and say things that I don't mean? Do I say mean things possibly because I expect too much?

Another person's best isn't necessarily my best. When they do something, all I can do is say, "Did you do your best?" (I hope they gave it their all, but ultimately the choice to do well belonged to them.) 

I won't think negative things when I, or anyone else, fails, but will have compassion and hope for better things the next time. I heard a person repeatedly say, "Do your best plus a little more." I can always do a little more and improve. I commit to do my best and never say, "No one will ever know" because it's not true - I will know. I will do my best because that's who I am.

What E'er Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part

I heard something yesterday that I believe is true, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part." It reminds me of something I read in a book once, "Act as if." I had a temporary job once to fill in for a girl while she had surgery and recovered. I kept telling myself, "Act as if" and did well for my boss. When the job ended, my boss and other bosses had recognized my good work and created a position so they could keep me around.

I'm not saying that positions will be created for the person who does a good job, but that a person needs to do the best they can. "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

I did the best I could in my job, but my new boss felt the need to tell me (in so many words) that I'd never be as good as him. He was very nice, but I knew my place. Bosses need to encourage their employees to excel and employees need to do good jobs. I left my new boss (even though he was nice) because I knew I could do more. He, too, could have followed this saying, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

Even if I have the lowliest job on the planet, I need to do the best work possible. The same is true if I have the highest job. My work speaks for itself;  it always says the kind of person I am. I need to do my best at whatever I do so that I won't regret knowing that I could have done better. When I've done less than my best in the past, it doesn't help me to negatively say, "It's too late for me because I can't fix what's been done." I need to say this, "From now on I'll do better."

Special Experiences in my Life

One of the special things in my life are my dreams. Vivid, colorful, detailed, honest, weird, liberating, repeating, and sometimes continuous. I remember a lot of my dreams as well as the feelings that accompany them. They are set in different times - some past, some present, and some future. A few are scary, and many are peaceful. Some are gross, and a lot are beautiful. When I think of certain places, certain dreams enter my mind. I remember less of my dreams now than before getting sick, but they mean great things to me.

I'm glad to write things in my journal. Many thoughts run through my mind and are easier to contemplate when I write them down. My journal is like a mute friend that listens for as long as I talk. People can hear too many words, but my journal never says, "Enough!" Many times, I've considered my journal cheap therapy because I've written my true feelings and later read and learned from them. My first journal versus the one I have now are quite different. One reflects my 10-year old self, and the other reflects a more mature me.

One of my favorite high school memories is when a group of friends and I went to a park at night, stood in a circle holding hands, and sang songs. Most teenage kids wouldn't esteem an event like that, but it touched my soul. I'm thankful for the spirituality that has always been a part of my life. Church services, seminary, firesides, and Super Saturdays shaped me. Even my high school choir experience had a spiritual effect on my life. I'm sure that the person I am today is partly attributed to the fact that a lot of my growing up years were done in Orem and Provo, Utah. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel in my heart for the spirituality in my life.

Nothing compares to love. My marriage and the birth of my children are special experiences, indeed. Per, Bryan, and Andrew enrich my life more than I can say. My heart overflowed last year when I saw my oldest son marry his sweetheart. Kimbra adds something special to our family - she is meant to be with us. 

The places around the world where I've been hold a special place in my heart. The people I've met have truly touched me - I'm fortunate to have met them. Some people don't want to travel far distances but I've always wanted it and appreciate the opportunity to have done so. The beautiful places I've seen have enhanced my life. Memories are forever etched in my mind of wonderful sites, fun things, and nice people.

There are many special experiences in my life that haven't been mentioned. Actually, every good experience I've had is special. I feel so grateful when I think about all the special things in my life. Sure, there are crappy things in my life too, but I don't mention them because they aren't special. I am not exempt from feeling sad, lonely, betrayed, and many other negative things, I just don't choose to remain depressed, mad, or hurt because I want to feel happy. There are many good experiences in my life. I love remembering them.

Peeping Tom and Curiosity

Peeping Tom had been a part of my life for years. As a child, I had no privacy. I put things away in my drawer where they wouldn't be found, but they'd be found and taken. I've kept a journal since 10 years old, and inevitably people would read my thoughts. Doors have been pounded on when I've locked them and stood on the other side; people have demanded me to let them in and I've said, "No! Leave me alone!"

It may seem innocent to listen to other people's conversations, but it's an invasion of privacy, a lack of trust, and a lack of respect. People innocently get called "nosy" but it's more than that...it's just plain rude!

Children see what their elders do, and if their elders do those things they do them too. That happened to me. I used to spy on my husband and think he didn't tell me the truth. I wanted to "catch" him in his lie to verify my hunch. I had a great lack of trust. One day I realized that he'd never lied to me so I figured I needed to trust him. 

I began to trust my husband, but still had the curiosity every once in a while to spy on him. (The curiosity didn't stem from my lack of trust but from my weakness.) I didn't want to spy, but no matter how much will power I had, sooner or later I gave in to temptation. I couldn't stop the habit on my own - no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I prayed to God to take the weakness from me and mercifully, He did.

I no longer have the desire to spy. My husband could lie to me, but I know that it's his action and if he does lie, it's his weakness to overcome. (My responsibility would be to forgive him when he asked for it.) My curiosity (nosiness) led to wrong behavior. I'm glad I learned to trust and to give other people respect and privacy.

My Greatest Hope

Today is Easter. Many people open gifts, eat candy, search for eggs, and think of the Easter Bunny. I wonder how many people think of Jesus Christ and the gift He gave us. He gave us the gift of immortality. He gave the gift to all people - whether or not they believe in him. To be saved and rise again when we die, what a gift!

I want to live with God in eternity, and I believe that I will. Some people don't believe in God, and that's okay with me. I accept them and hope they will accept me. I believe the scripture that says, "Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess to God." (Romans 14:11) and look forward to His return happening one day.

I believe with all my heart that Jesus is the Messiah, and the Savior of the world. I thank Him for suffering for me so that I can be resurrected and live with God again. I celebrate Jesus Christ today.

(Not) Supporting a Cause

Gay marriage is in the media again. This time the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) is taking the issue to the supreme court. The ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) is involved, and NOM (National Organization for Marriage) opposes it. The issue is the word 'marriage'. The HRC and ACLU want the definition of marriage in the law to include three things: 1) between a man and a woman, 2) between two men, and 3) between two women. Currently, in U.S. law, the definition includes one thing - between a man and a woman.

I think that people support causes, but they don't really want them to end. They want the causes to continue because they like the fight. But do they really want the effects of the end result? (For example, gay people want equality and fairness but if they got those things they would just be ordinary people, and, truthfully, the effects are that the wouldn't be in the spotlight. Right now gay people are special; they are in the spotlight.)

Causes (minorities, immigration, race, homosexuality, religion) bring focus to their group. I truly believe that some people want to be a part of a memorable group because they like the attention and because the fight takes the focus off of them not having to work on aspects of their character (like not working on being kinder [or whatever] because they're too busy fighting for their cause.)

Life is full of unfairness. How I respond to the unfair thing tells how I am. If I get angry about the unfair thing, it just says that I'm an angry person. My life will benefit more by me working on controlling my anger than by me supporting a cause. When I die, the cause won't be there but my angry attribute will. Will the HRC, ACLU and NOM help me be kinder? No, I need to do that myself. It seems like loyalty only goes one way, and it doesn't point to me, but to them. How is it fair to me that I need to be loyal to them but they don't need to be loyal to me?

Organizations like the HRC, ACLU, and NOM get involved in causes because they want to win. After the gay marriage result, they will move on to the next cause. It seems like they support people, but, really, they support causes. Those organizations aren't people - they don't have lives - they are companies. They are filled with people, but the harsh reality is that they don't care about the people, they just care about themselves (existing, winning.) Those organizations will do anything to stay in business: they want employee loyalty, but their loyalty is to only themselves. 

After the Supreme Court result, other people (human rights groups, people passionate about the cause, etc.) will work out the details of the gay marriage cause, but the HRC, ACLU and NOM will have moved on to the next thing.

I'm staying out of the fight. I would rather work on my character then support a cause.

Easing My Burdens

I compare trials to The Lord of the Rings. The ring was killing Frodo but when he got to Mt. Doom and held the ring over the fire, he couldn't let it go and instead kept it - he said, "The ring is mine!" 

Some of my burdens are hard, perhaps I feel like they are killing me, but if I hold on to my burdens and don't change to make things better, I just drive myself crazy wishing things were different. I'm a strong person and capable of taking the first step to make things better in my life. 

I know that when I have burdens it's helpful to believe things will be better, to have hope in my heart, and to think good things. (Things don't always look good when I make changes; sometimes I wonder if I should go back, but when I keep moving forward and tell myself that one day the future will be bright, it happens and I feel so happy!)

I don't always get what I want, but I always get what's best for me. Sometimes I make life harder when I don't accept reality and instead want the past. (Divinely speaking: It seems like when I put my trust in God's hands, give my control to Him, and submit my will to Him my life goes better.)

I want to be in charge of my life and be happy, therefore I will do my best to make changes in my life when I'm not happy. I hope change will ease my burdens.

The Successful and the Freeloaders

I heard a Jewish Rabbi (who is very familiar with the Talmud) say that only 20% of the Israelite's left Egypt and followed Moses. The Hebrew Bible says 1/5 of the children of Israel left Egypt. Perhaps the many who stayed said things like, "It's not so bad to be a slave," or "I like Egypt and I'm not leaving," or "My family is staying and I won't leave them." Whatever they might have said the point is that they chose to follow Pharaoh not God.

The percentage seems consistent with the many and the few. Regarding the straight and narrow path, few there be that find it. Regarding the broad path, many there go thereat. Freeloaders say they don't have the same chances as the successful. Wrong! All people have the same chance, but freeloaders choose not to do what it takes to become successful. 

Successful people plan for their future. Freeloaders don't plan - they don't see their future past right now. This truth reminds me of the story about the ants and the grasshopper:

In the summer, the ants gathered food so they'd have something to eat in the winter. The grasshopper just enjoyed the sunshine. In the winter, the ants partied in their warm house and ate their food. Meanwhile, the grasshopper froze outside. He noticed the ants inside all warm and toasty and full of food, so he knocked on their door and asked if he could join them. The ants said yes and gave him shelter and food, whereby the grasshopper did a jig.

Freeloaders have existed since at least the time of Moses, possibly forever, why should anything different be expected today? Successful people will continue to plan and freeloaders will continue to complain that life isn't fair. Successful people will continue to show mercy to freeloaders and each person's actions will say how they are.