Not Two Ways, Just One

Before getting MS I wanted everything to be perfect including me, my house and my family. Getting MS hit me so hard that all I could do was -focus on getting better and -focus on the things important to me. I let a lot of things in my life go - including appearances - and figured WYSIWYG (what you see is what you get).

Yes, I felt like people could see through me because I didn't hide anything. I couldn't hide my emotions even if I tried and felt greatly exposed. I used to say that I had no filter but now I know it's called PBA (uncontrollable laughing or crying). Most people can mask their feelings (not show when they feel like crying or laughing) but I can't; if I see someone laughing or crying I do the same. When I laugh too hard I start crying and that's why I don't joke anymore (even though I have a sense of humor). I look emotionless because I'm trying to hold it together and not lose it; I'm trying to maintain some kind of control over myself.

Yesterday, I bore my testimony in church. I got up and said things "off the cuff" and let the holy spirit guide me. Upon sitting down that all too familiar voice in my mind said that what I said was crap. The old me used to listen to that voice and believe it's damning words. I fell in line with the old me because when a few people told me they liked my testimony the old me shrugged off their compliments and disbelievingly said, "Really?" For the rest of the time at church I acted and felt insecure.

I'm not a person who thinks quickly (I call it "off the cuff"), I have to think about it for a while and let my rational mind kick in or else I'll just lash out with pure emotion. I thought about me acting insecure at church and realized, that's not me. My faith crushes doubts and insecurity.

One of the biggest blessings of me getting MS is that I used to be two ways (1-what the world saw, appearance, outer, 2-the real me, the unseen, inner), and now I'm just one way (the outer and inner me are the same). I want to be only one way. I strive to overcome my faults but I'm not perfect and have weaknesses (i.e. insecurity). The good news is that after my weakness shows I think about it and decide if it will remain.

In the case of insecurity, it will not remain. I am confident and sure and cross the point of no return leaving insecurity behind. It feels scary to be what I haven't always been in the past but I believe in myself, know God sustains me and act.

No man can serve two masters: for either he will hate the one, and love the other; or else he will hold to the one, and despise the other. Ye cannot serve God and mammon. -Matthew 6:24

This scripture crosses my mind as I consider how I used to be two ways but now I'm just one way. Regarding insecurity I give myself a pep-talk and tell myself this, "Dare to be real. Have the faith to act knowing that sometimes acting is going into the unknown. Don't give in to your weaknesses but run the show, be in the lead, take charge. You're strong and you can do it."