A Few Memories of Gma and Gpa Gordon

I couldn't possibly mention ALL the memories I have of Gma and Gpa Gordon because there are simply too many. Here are a few interesting ones. When I think of them, I think of them at 320 N State St #10, Orem, UT 84057, the place that was "their house,"  not at the place where they lived just before they died.They lived in the trailer court - right on State Street  (between 2nd south and Center Street) - which had a lovely view of the mountains. It was the nicest trailer in the place. Perhaps other tenants considered them their grandparents too, because they were loving and watched out for everyone.

Their neighbor behind them, Kaye, was like family. They especially cared about her. She never married, and lived alone. Gpa mowed her lawn. Kaye, Gma, and I sang a trio in church once. We practiced the music several times at Kaye's house where she played our parts on her piano. For many years she taught English at Orem High (my high school) and also coached the cheerleaders. She came from Idaho. Her brother, Lynn, lived in a small trailer, on the other side of the road across from Gma and Gpa to the North. He had a cherry tree that produced the best bing cherries; big, juicy, and dark red-almost black.

I hated venison because I had only tasted gma's. It was bottled meat in a 1 qt jar. I thought everyone ate venison that way. I didn't like venison until I ate Monika's deer roast in Sweden - the most delicious roast I ever ate - not gamey at all.

Gma worked part-time (from 9-1) at the county assessor's office in Provo. She shared her job with her sister, Aileen. Many times after work she stopped somewhere and got a sandwich for Gpa's lunch.

They often called lunch "dinner" and dinner "supper".

I ate dinner/supper at their house countless times. When one piece of meat remained, Gpa would look at me and say, "Whomp that up."

Gpa called me his Little Miss America.

Family never rang the doorbell, but just walked into their house. Every time I came over one of them said, "There's my Jade honey." (I cry remembering how much they loved me.)

Gma taught me many camp songs like "I've been working on the railroad", "Hey, Look Me Over, Lend Me an Ear", "Side by Side", and "I stuck my head in a little skunks hole". Us kids sat in the back of Gpa's truck whenever we went somewhere and sang at the top of our lungs.

Gpa caught many trout in Provo River or at Strawberry Resevoir. Gma would fry up the fish after Gpa cleaned them. Their house smelled so good when Gma fried those filets.

Their house had two bedrooms, one on each end. In actuality, it was small. But everyone (their kids and grand-kids) gathered there. For me, the highlight of Christmas morning was at their house (when I saw everyone and we exchanged presents.) They had bbqs, birthday parties, and sleep overs there.

They were highly revered. Whenever someone new came into the family, they were taken to Gma and Gpa's and introduced.

I loved them.

Gpa, Lani, and Gma sitting in the big yard to watch me

1981. Lani, Jade, Mom, Gma, Kenneth, Maile

Gma and Mom in the 80's

Gpa and his Herculean trout

Little Jade and Gpa Gordon

Gma Gordon

Gpa Gordon (sitting in his spot: at the kitchen table by the window)

Gma Gordon, Jade, Mom (when Jade went to the temple for the first time)

Ken's (KJ's) First Bday
Kenneth John, Grandpa John Dean Gordon, Lani

Gma and Aileen at the county assessor's office

Grandma, Louise Clark Gordon

It Could Always Be Worse

Everyone experiences disappointment. In a hard situation, it could always be worse. 

- When I considered my trial, I thought, at least I'm not that guy.

- The person who has trouble walking might think, at least I have feet.

- The person with no feet might think, at least I have a body.

- The person with an imperfect body might think, at least I'm not paralyzed.

- The person who is paralyzed might think, at least I'm not dead.

I have a choice when I face something hard 1) see the good or 2) see the bad, be grateful or be angry, have a positive outlook (see the glass as half full) or have a negative outlook (see the glass as half empty.) My outlook determines my happiness.

This year marks five years that I've had MS. During that time, my disease hasn't gone away but has worsened. I could think of the awfulness of my reality, or I could think of the many good things that have resulted because of my illness. I'm not exempt from bad things happening to me. Yes, it sucks and I wouldn't choose it, but I have to admit that by looking on the bright side of my tragedy I have become improved.

I'm a religious person and believe that The Lord has strengthened me to endure my trial. I believe that He does what's best for each person in the eternal scheme of things. I wanted my life to be a certain way, but I'm willing to accept His way, knowing that He knows more than me and that He has my best interest in mind. 'I put my trust in Him,' so to speak.

The Lord has not removed my burden (much like he didn't remove Paul's 'thorn in his side',) but he has eased it in so many ways. For example, the negative voice in my mind is gone (it plagued me for years,) my family is closer, I learned correct thinking, and I learned the truth about some things. I'm grateful that many years ago the 'it could be worse' thought crossed my mind and caused me to consider the worse things which led me to feel grateful.

This life isn't fair, but how do I react to unfairness? I may have thought the worst and have seen only the negative at one time, but the thing I love is that I could change. It's amazing to think that a shift in my thinking led to many blessings. 

Sweden Vacation 2013

We had a lot of fun in Sweden. We were there July 3 (Wed PM) - July 11 (Thurs AM) and time flew! Here's a synopsis of what we did:

7/3 (Wed PM) - Per met us (Bryan, Kimbra, Andrew and me) at Arlanda airport (it's the first time we've traveled w/o Per-and the last time as far as I'm concerned: I feel more comfortable when he's there,) drove for 3 hours (from Stockholm to Väse) after already traveling for 16 hours, stopped in Kristinahamn to buy stuff & snacks at the store, met family at Lövås (Tore, Monika, Ann-Sofie, Sandra, Little Nils,) ate dinner, rested

7/4 (Thurs) - Went to a couple of stores in Karlstad (Willy's and Rusta,) ate Swedish pizza in Karlstad for lunch, celebrated the 4th of July at dinner where we ate Monika's yummy deer roast and mushroom sauce and a delicious American flag cake that Ann-Sofie made (sheet cake/cheesecake - haha!)

7/5 (Fri) - Day trip: Met Peter and Kerstin at their home (3 hours away) near Göteberg, met Per's friends (dinner at Torbjorn's house), (Erika and Torsten arrived from Gotland and Nils arrived from Göteberg)

7/6 (Sat) - Picked wild berries in the forest, celebrated birthdays at dinner (Tore 85, Monika 80, Nils 50, Me 45, and Andrew 20 this year) where we had a seafood feast including shrimp, red crawfish, and huge ocean crawfish from Göteberg

7/7 (Sun) - Looked at old things in the attic (Per looked at his China,) ate bbq steaks (horsemeat that the guys said was better than beef,) played Kubb at Lövås, posed for a family photo

7/8 (Mon) - (Erika and Torsten went back to Gotland,) ate dinner at a restaurant on the warf in Karlstad with Per's friends and spent the evening with them

7/9 (Tues) - Ate a smörgåsbord lunch

7/10 (Wed) - Left Lövås and drove to Stockholm, took pictures in Örebro, drove through the city of Stockholm (not the freeway) to avoid traffic and to find parking, walked in Stockholm for a second but left because we were hungry and cold, ate yummy Swedish pizza at a nice place after accidentally driving in the hood, checked into a nice hotel (Radisson) at Arlanda airport

7/11 (Thurs AM) - Per left early to fly on another airline, ate a delicious smörgåsbord breakfast, check out of our hotel, went on a bus to Arlanda airport

In my opinion, the second best thing about Sweden was the food (the best thing about Sweden was seeing a lot of the people I love.) Back to the food...everything we ate tasted yummy! From the chocolate to the water and in between, it all tasted great.

We stayed at Pirran's house (a smaller house by Lövås which we called her house although she didn't live there.) It was nice to have our own space. Bryan and Kimbra stayed upstairs where Per and I always stayed, and Per and I stayed downstairs where Bryan and Andrew always stayed. We swapped (and I didn't miss walking up and down the steep [and potentially slippery] stairs.)

Dinner at Ankdammen in Karlstad with Per's friends

Visiting at Peter and Kerstin's house

Peter, Kerstin, Kimbra, Bryan, Andrew, Jade, Per

Kimbra and Bryan

Andrew (and the best cheese doodles in the world!)

Per and Jade

Picking wild berries in the forest

The table is set for birthday celebrations at Lövås

Seafood Feast for birthday celebrations

Playing Kubb, a very fun game that originated on Gotland

Visiting between Kubb matches

Kimbra and Bryan

Lövgren Family
(Nils, Andrew, Per, Jade, Bryan, Erica, Ann-Sofie,
Monika, Tore,
Kimbra, Sandra, Nils, Torsten)

Smörgåsbord lunch

Smörgåsbord location

Lövås Gård (Gård=farm)

Lövås Gård sign

Per driving in Stockholm

Some buildings in Stockholm

Once A Parent, Always A Parent

I longed for my little children once they had grown and left the nest. I had been a mom for so long that, when they left, I didn't know my purpose. Recently I said to one of my children, "I miss being a mom." He said, "You're still a mom."

I may not be raising kids anymore, but my kids are still learning from me. I may not be doing but I am being and the only thing that's changed is position. When I had little kids, I was first, I was the leader, and I knew what's best. Now that they're grown, they're first. They're the leader and we all get to see what they can do. I may have taken a back seat to my kids, but I think it comforts them to know that they're not alone. 

I'm here anytime they need me, but, unlike children who can run to their parents, when they need me they may be a little further away; they might get to drive to my house or pick up the phone. "Once a parent, always a parent" is a true statement. I spent a little time doing (raising,) but I get to spend my entire parenthood being my children's parent. What a happy realization!

Don't Wait, Do It Now

Two things: 1) It's important to do what I say I'll do, so that people know they can count on me, and 2) I need to do it sooner than later. The question is not only if I will, but also when I will. Do I wait until the last second to act or do I act right away?

Looking back: When I waited until the last second to act, usually that meant that either -I didn't want to do it, or -I let other things have higher priorities. If I wanted to do something, most likely I did it right away. I always waited to do things until the last minute. In thinking about this, these are the possible reasons why: 1) I gave my all to whatever I did, and most likely I waited until the last minute because I knew I would go all out and it would take effort, 2) I felt more creative at the last minute (when under pressure.)

My creativity back then shined in most of the things I did (because I'm creative.) But when I waited until the last minute to do something, I felt stress. Also, by waiting until the last minute things came to my mind that couldn't be done because I needed more time. (Stress is a motivator. I believe that stress is a natural feeling that will always be felt. A person who prepares may feel butterflies in their stomach as they anticipate the thing for which they've prepared. But when a person procrastinates, they don't feel butterflies but anxiety.)

Since being sick, if I wait until the last minute the thing simply won't get done. My illness gives me the opportunity to prepare in advance...and allows me to feel more calm. I think back to when I waited until the last minute and believe the anxiety wasn't worth the procrastination.

Swearing, Fake Swearing, or Saying Something Original

OMH could mean "Oh My Heck!" but it could also mean "Oh My Hounis!"  Why be unoriginal and say what people expect? If a filler word has to be said, why say something that sounds like something else? It may be boring to say, "That's awesome!" but at least it doesn't sound like almost swearing. (In today's world, some people say freakin' - like, "That's freakin' awesome!" To me, that word sounds too close to the 'F' word.)

I wish people wouldn't use an emphasis word that sounds like swearing. Instead of fake swearing, I wish people would say either nothing or the real thing. If a person says, "I don't believe in swearing", I'd say, "Then don't fake swear; both words mean the same thing." (If an emphasis word needs to be said, why not say something like, "That's totally awesome!" and be thought of as not swearing?)

Some people don't want to swear but come close to the line when they say something that sounds like a swear word but isn't. I think that the best thing is to not use a filler word at all, and the next best thing, if something has to be said,  is to say something that isn't fake swearing. (In my opinion, when the emphasis word is a fake swear word, it means the same thing as the real word; if the real word is edgy, why say anything? I consider a filler word the same as saying, "Um" or "Like" between sentences; unnecessary.)

Regarding fake swearing, I say, "Don't say a filler word at all, and if a word needs to be said, then be creative and say something other than freakin; flipin'; cheese and crackers; heck; H-E-double toothpick; darn; dang; shiz; shut up; and shut the front door, otherwise, just say the swear word - it means the same thing."

How Do I Want to Say This?

I just had an epiphany. It is that sometimes I'm misunderstood because of my words. I may be correct, but the words I use make what I say sound incorrect. I have felt that many times I'm misunderstood - maybe it's because the words I've said have hurt people. I didn't mean to hurt people with my words, but sometimes I sounded offensive or condemning to them. I may have wanted to speak the truth, but my words sounded either harsh or negative. I never intended to be misunderstood, but I can see how my words could have been taken wrong.

I'm considered nice if I say nice things, but I'm considered mean if the things I say are mean. I had been considered nice for a long time, but I was nice at my own expense - I didn't say anything when other's hurt me because I wanted to be liked. After getting sick, I felt to not to sacrifice my feelings for someone else's - so I stood up for myself and honestly said how I felt. Many of the people who knew me before me getting sick thought I had become mean - I hadn't, I just respected myself and said honest things, whereas before getting sick, I didn't.

When I say something and someone hears it, I can't take it back - it's been said - it's out there. I can't erase the past and change what I said, all I can do is hope for the best, and change from that point forward. I've said things in a blunt way. Now see that it wasn't the best way to say it. I'm sorry if my words caused any unnecessary pain. I may still say hurtful things from time to time because I'm an imperfect human. But hopefully I'll remember to think before speaking, and maybe my words will hurt some people less.

My Gratitude for Grandma Clark

After preparing to go visiting teaching this coming Mon & Tues (something the ladies in my church do,) I decided to read some of my Great-Grandma Clark's journals. My mom had given me the journals (which had belonged to Grandma Gordon-Gma Clark's daughter.) One journal (in 1958) documented her trip to Europe where she sailed on the Queen Mary, attended the London, England temple dedication (where she saw and heard President David O. Makay,) went to the World's Fair in Belgium, toured Europe, and sailed home on the Queen Elizabeth. The entire trip took three months. She saw the Statue of Liberty in NY (from the Queen Elizabeth) before flying to Cleveland, Ohio from LaGuardia airport. She wrote much of the things said at the Tempe Dedication, visited English relatives, and did a lot of genealogy.

I'm very grateful for the history and example of my grandma. She was a remarkable woman. Perhaps I inherited my desire for knowledge from her. She wrote many facts, and I love that - facts are fascinating to me. I want to type what she wrote and share it with my relatives, that way I'm not the only one who'll have the information. I look forward to knowing her better on the other side of the veil.

Having a Passion or Not

Some people know what they want to do with their lives. They identify their passion early in life and do what they love in their work. A lot of people don't know what they want to do with their lives. They don't identify their passion until later in life (usually in their 40's) and instead do a skill they learn. Sometimes when they discover their passion, they change jobs to do what they love. I've heard that if a person does what they love, they'll never work a day in their life. That's great for people who know what they love, but what if a person doesn't know what they love? In that case a person needs to do what they do well.

What a person loves (their passion) comes naturally. Maybe they develop it, but at the core it's an innate quality. It takes some people more time to discover their passion. I think of it like different body types: some people have high metabolisms and other people don't. Likewise, some people can identify their passion and other's can't.

I didn't know what I wanted to do with my life so I just took a job that paid good money and taught me a valuable skill. I did that skill for many years then switched to do another skill that I also did well. After getting sick, I identified my passions. I see how my jobs used my qualities, but those jobs weren't passions - they were just jobs that I did to get a paycheck. 

If I wanted to do my passion, I'd need more education. I'm not going to attend college now, so that option's out. What's another option for me? To identify my passion(s) and realize how I used my qualities in my jobs.

Qualities are parts of my character - they say how I am. They are ways I've always been. For example, I've always philosophized and I've always been a deep-thinker; I've always loved people; I've always loved to research things; I've always loved to express myself; I've always been religious; I've always loved music; I've always been creative; I've always loved men; I've always been domestic; I've always loved my things.

I see how my qualities have influenced what I've done. I'm a good mom and have a happy home because I'm domestic; I have many heirlooms because I cherish my things; I have a husband because I love men; I make things because I'm creative; I sing and play the piano because I love music; I talk about spiritual things because I'm religious; I have many journals because I love to express myself; I know certain things because I research them; I help people because I love them; I figure things out because I ponder. Each one of my jobs have included things that I like to do, as well as things I'm good at. Everyone has qualities whether or not they've identified their passion(s).

Never Quit Trying

I could be somewhere today, and get hit by a bus - all that can be said is that my life is over. I believe that if I want to do something, or go somewhere, or be something I need to make a plan to do it - then try my best to make it happen as soon as possible. I don't want to just wish and hope for the best, but really try to make my dreams come true.

I remember watching a reality show and thinking, I'm sitting here watching someone else live their life. I think reality shows are fine, but not to the point that I don't do anything and am satisfied with just watching somebody else do it. There are things that I see that I don't want to do myself, but sometimes the things I see give me motivation to do it, or go there, or be that, and I believe that I need to do all that I can to make my dream a reality. 

I watch certain movies, read specific books, and imagine myself doing, going, and being what I watch and read. That's all fine and good, but if I only wish and never do, then I will always be sad that I didn't even try to make my wishes happen. I won't give up! I'm alive and capable of overcoming my fear. I vow to never quit trying until I quit breathing.

Marriage Doesn't Have to Include Divorce

I watched Susan Shapiro Barash give an interview about a book she wrote called, The Nine Phases of Marriage: how to make it, break it, keep it. During her interview she said, "Divorce is a part of marriage." I disagree with her statement and believe that divorce is only a part of marriage when there's no commitment to marriage. In my grandparents' time, people worked out their differences. Back in the day, when marriage became hard, people didn't throw in the towel but stayed together "for better or for worse."

A lot of people in today's world don't even get married because they are already committed to each other. But if a couple isn't married, what stops them from parting ways when things get hard? 

Sometimes bad behavior happens when a marriage becomes hard, including affairs and viewing inappropriate things on the Internet. Dishonest people cover-up their bad behavior by lying, which makes their marriage worse, because they have to deal with an additional thing (lying.) I'm for things that strengthen marriage including: honesty, fidelity, and selflessness. Marriage doesn't have to include divorce unless the partners give up.

Contentment (Happiness)

Recently, I heard someone talk about being content, and I appreciate their words. I haven't always felt the contentment that I feel now. I used to feel frustrated because I wished to have something that I didn't. I might have wished to live in another place, or to have another job, or for people to make the 'right' choices, or to earn more money, or to have different things. I thought, 'if only [something]' then I'd be happy.

Basically, I felt mad about what I didn't have, I didn't accept my life, and, frankly, I didn't want to. I wanted the thing I didn't have and I wouldn't be happy until I got it. I didn't know that accepting my life meant feeling happy about the things I did have, and being happy while trying to get what I wanted. Bottom line accepting my life meant counting my blessings, seeing the doughnut not the hole, and realizing that the cup was half full not half empty.

The speaker said there were two things that could make me unhappy: 1) Comparing myself to others, and 2) not forgiving. I see how those two things could hold me back from living my life, and keep me angry instead of happy. Hearing the speaker made me think of this:

First, when comparing myself to anyone else, I wish I had/did/could be what they have/do/are; I think,they're great and I suck. When they get a break, instead of feeling happy for them, I feel jealous. I truly believe this: They are my enemy and I hate them because I wish I was like them. (I would never admit that out loud, but in my heart it's how I feel.) When I only compare me to myself, I try to become improved. I don't hate myself or say, "I suck," but honestly tell myself the truth and strive to become better. I'm not perfect, sometimes I make mistakes, but as I learn from my mistakes I become improved. 

Second, when I don't forgive, it hurts me way more than it ever hurts them (if it even hurts them at all.) When I don't forgive them, I just replay the unfairness in my mind and feel justified in believing, "I'm right and you're wrong." If I would let the unfairness go, I would never think of it's sting and carry on with my life. Life isn't fair. After the unfairness blows over, I have a choice to make, will I 1) continue to be mad, or 2) let it go and be happy?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become bitter. I may feel justified, but every time I think about it, I'll get more mad. Forgiveness doesn't mean accepting the thing, but letting it go so that I'm free and not controlled. Forgiveness is truly for me not them; it is for my heart, not theirs. Nobody's perfect, somebody will eventually do something that hurts me. The question is, when they hurt me will I retaliate or mercifully let it go?

If I stay mad (don't forgive,) I will become arrogant. I will think of the unfair situation and wonder, 'How could they do that to ME?' I will tell myself that I won't forgive them unless they grovel at my feet and beg for mercy. I ask two things: 1) If the tables were turned, would I want to grovel? 2) If the tables were turned, wouldn't I want the other person to show me compassion? I hope I will be kind.

I believe what I heard about contentment, that unfair comparisons and non-forgiveness keeps me from feeling happy. I hope that I will -be happy for what others have, -only compare myself to me, -let unfairness go, and -be happy. I really loved hearing that talk.

Blueberry or Acai Berry

Per bought some cups of Greek yogurt at Sam's Club. The box contained two flavors: blueberry and superfruit (açai). If superfruit is based on flavor then I'd say it's  the blueberry because it isn't in the yogurt with anything else (açai is also with pomegranate and raspberry.) Perhaps açai doesn't taste good on its own (like the blueberry) and has to be paired with another flavor to make it palatable.

I just read about açai on Wikipedia and the açai berry comes from the açai palm. (The same tree from which hearts of palm are harvested.) The açai berry is mostly pit, which is ground into a pulp. (No wonder it doesn't taste good - we're eating pulp not berry!) Claims have been made about the fruit's antioxidant properties, but no claims have been scientifically proven. Studies have shown that açai has more potency than than cranberry, orange or apple, but not as much as pomegranate or blueberry. Here's an excerpt from Wikipedia: 

The medical watchdog website Quackwatch noted that "açai juice has only middling levels of antioxidants - less than that of Concord grape, blueberry, and black cherry juices, but more than cranberry, orange and apple juices." The extent to which polyphenols as dietary antioxidants may promote health is unknown, as no credible evidence indicates any antioxidant role for polyphenols in vivo.

I think the açai berry is a fad. Many companies use it in false advertising. Based on what I just read, the blueberry is definitely still the superfruit.

Update to Following a Low-Fat Diet

I've been eating no red meat and low-fat foods for over five months now. In January I said it would probably take me a year to get used to this new way of eating. I think that it may take me a year to adjust in some ways but not in others. I am surprised at how quickly I got used to not eating red meat (beef, pork, and dark meat poultry) - maybe three weeks! I never missed eating red meat, but we had to remember to use ground turkey instead of ground beef. (We can't tell a difference between ground beef or turkey when the meat is in a sauce or covered with seasoning-for example spaghetti sauce, chili, taco soup, or taco meat.)

Ground turkey is actually quite good! It doesn't brown like beef, but if you make patties and coat them with bread crumbs (Panko bread crumbs taste good) the bread crumbs brown and the meat is moist. Per is a great cook and has made a lot of yummy things! Creativity is needed in cooking to avoid a rut.

I was worried about our Super Bowl snacks but we adjusted our menu to include low-fat yummy things and didn't miss the other things at all! (We didn't have a bacon explosion [sniff-sniff] but didn't mind not having the extra calories!) I didn't realize how poorly I ate until I started eating better. I've made different food choices starting in 2013 and physically have felt better - instead of tired or crappy - after eating.

My clothes are looser. I still wear the same size, but I truly think the changes in my diet have prevented me from gaining more weight. (I'm glad that I haven't had to buy a bigger size - I've worn the same size for over five years!) I truly think I was on a path to gain and my new diet stopped the direction.

The thing that is hardest to eat is low-fat. If I don't stay aware, the fat creeps back into my diet. I get lax about the foods I eat and what is the first thing that gets worse? Fat. I find myself eating fattening things - usually junk - and have to consciously tell myself to stop. Let's face it, fatty foods taste good! Let me face it, fatty foods stick to my body like glue! It's discouraging to know that I practically gain weight by looking at food! (Unfortunately for me) I don't have a high metabolism or a body that allows me to eat whatever I want without gaining an ounce. Luckily for me, I've had to watch what I eat my whole life so making a food change is not new to me. (It IS new to Per, however, because being a bean pole as a kid allowed him eat whatever he wanted without ever gaining a pound.) If I choose to eat a lot of fatty foods like butter, mayo, or sauce, I'll surely gain weight. I've eaten things then later wondered why I thought it was okay. Anyway, food seems to be my plight in life....but, I digress.

We eat a lot of ground turkey, chicken breast, and seafood. I haven't noticed a dramatic difference but I think the changes are subtle.

Women's Rights is Really Feminism

The word 'feminism' is now 'women's rights'. Feminism was in the 70's, but women's rights is today. It's a ploy that at it's core says, "Women don't need men." Women CAN do a lot of things that men can, but men want to do it and I say, "Let them! Let men be men. Let them be knights in shining armor, chivalrous, and the one who fights evil and saves the princess." They are programmed to take the lead and, frankly, women need to let them.

Women need to lay down their pride of thinking they need to be first, and let men do it. Men are being treated so unfairly by women, when they both need each other. Neither is better than the other - men aren't better because they are stronger, and women aren't better because they have charm - they each have things about them that draw them to the other. But people aren't willing to put up with weaknesses, and the person they once loved becomes the person they now hate.

I think a lot of divorce happens because they pridefully and selfishly say, "I don't need you" instead of working out their problems. Working it out takes a lot of humility and cooperation. We can't control what other people do, but we can control how we are. I ask, "Are we loving or bitter? Do we allow ourselves to get more angry at unfairness or do we let it go and move on?" We all choose how we act. Let's realize the evil trick, so we don't get sucked into the lies, and move on with our lives.

Inspiring Video

I saw this inspiring video, and wanted to post it: Inspiring Video

The video shows a veteran in a wheelchair who is trying to walk, a young girl at a dance audition, and a guy with a knee brace lining up to run a race. The video shows each of them doubting their abilities, but, regardless of the outcome, attempting to reach their goals. The song says, "Didn't always hear 'YES' as much as I heard 'NO' and later it says, "I can do anything". 

The video shows the guy in the wheelchair standing, the girl dancing, and the guy with the brace running. I don't know if they achieved their goals or not, but that's not really the point. The point is that they tried instead of regretting that they didn't.

The guy who sang the song has Autism, Asperberger's, OCD, ADD, and Tourette's Syndrome. He has many challenges, but he doesn't let his disabilities stop him from trying. He may fail, but the lessons he learns far outweigh the failures.

A lot of people don't try for many reasons; they're afraid they'll look stupid, they're afraid they'll fail, they're afraid people will laugh at them, they're afraid they'll get in over their head, and on, and on, and on. They let being afraid stop them. Yes they may look stupid, yes they may fail, yes people may laugh, yes they may be in over their head, but the important thing is that they try. They are smart and strong. When facing a challenge, they'll figure it out. (At least they can say, "I did it" even though they felt afraid.) 

People can do more than they believe. I hope that people will try even when they feel scared.

Sleeping In

I now know that it is impossible, where I live, to sleep in for these reasons: 1) The construction trucks (building a grocery store down the street, and widening the road behind my house) are quite loud and beep a lot, 2) Telemarketers call my phone (even though it's on several 'do not call' lists. Luckily, it doesn't ring in my room, but I can hear it ring in the kitchen and it still wakes me up,) and 3) People run lawn mowers. It's a musical symphony outside! Basically, it's not quiet.

My bedroom window is open because when the thermostat says 'heat', it gets really warm in my room (I'm talking REALLY warm!) I like my room to be cool (in the lower 60's) so 78 degrees, even with the ceiling fan on, isn't going to cut it! The noise outside is even more clear with my bedroom window open. Those three things weren't the first noises I heard this morning; the birds won when they started chirping at 530am. (Did you know that birds chirp at 330 in the morning? I thought their nest was in a nearby tree, but recently learned that it's in the gutter on my roof...by my bedroom window! Good times :)

I have a feeling that the majority of these noises are only going to be more prevalent as the weather warms. What will I do? Not sleep in!

My Attitude

I've been reading my online journal from the beginning (Jan 2009) to now. I'm a lot different now than back then! I see how sad and frustrated I felt because of the changes in my life (that came on suddenly-and stayed.) I didn't want to accept my illness - my trial, but, as a reality, had to. I see how angry I felt when I had learned some truths while writing my book. Five years have passed since my diagnosis, and now I feel much more accepting of my illness, less sad, less frustrated about my life, more authentic and truthful, and more accepting of people.

Did I experience depression or grief? I say that I grieved my loss. I never felt a black cloud hover over me, nor did I have a hopeless feeling that lingered. I felt great sadness for losing my abilities, and great frustration for wanting the past, but I didn't stay permanently sad and frustrated. I think that time has helped me to accept my fate, and optimism has helped me to see the good in a bad situation.

I've said, "This sucks!" many times. I've also learned things that have caused me to change and to cope. I think that acknowledging the crap but not having an eternally crappy attitude has helped me to continue to progress.

Long ago, I experienced depression. I felt a dark cloud hover over me and wrote sad poetry. I thought my life would always be my current experience. My depression didn't end until changes happened in my life - changes that felt like a light switch; my depression suddenly went away when my life changed, and then my attitude went from sadness to happiness. When my depression went away, I could see 'a light at the end of the tunnel,' and looked forward to the future instead of just letting my current life get me down.

When I compare my depression from long ago to how I feel now (as well as to ways I've felt over the last five years,) the feelings aren't the same. With my current trial, I've never felt myself spiral down to lingering sadness, even though I've felt very sad. For me, a blessing in my life was my shift in thinking, from feeling sadness and despair to feeling hope and gratitude. I have surely felt negative things, but have never lost hope nor gratitude - in fact those two things have helped me to endure my trial.

I could have sunk into depression five years ago when I felt scared and didn't know why things were happening, but a thought reminded me that it could be worse. I thought about the things that I had experienced (eye problems, walking problems) and felt grateful that my problems weren't worse! In the last five years, I've had many 'it could be worse' experiences that have caused me to feel gratitude instead of sadness. The shift in my thinking (to look for good instead of bad) has helped me tremendously!

I believe in hoping to receive my dreams as well as in honestly acknowledging my reality. I didn't wish to get sick in 2008, but I did wish for things in my life to change. My life may not be how I imagined it, but the blessings I've received far outweigh my current trial. I refuse to let myself go to a bad place - in my mind, or in any other way.

Why I Am Focused and Religious

I behave based on what's in my heart. The thing I want most in my heart is eternal life - I want to live again with God and JC. The first year after getting sick, I realized that I could spend my entire life focusing on things that didn't matter - things that could be taken away - and never develop (focus on) the things that DID matter and that would never be taken away - my character (see Behavior vs. Attributes in November 2009.) I decided to focus on the important things to me: my family relationships, my character, and my relationship with God.

I want my goal some day, but want to have Godly attributes in my character right now. (I could go somewhere today, get hit by a bus, and be killed. I don't know for how long my life will be - I assume, but, in truth, simply don't know. No matter for how long I live, I want to be prepared now for when I meet God.) I want to be real - not just appear real because I know that I can't fool Him; He who looks at my heart. I want to be the same...both on the inside and outside - I don't want to look nice on the outside but on the inside be filled with dead men's bones.

Fast forward to today. I'm focused and religious because I only develop in me what matters most. I've dropped the things that really don't matter and have tried to focus on the things that do matter (my character.) I'm authentic, and believe that I'm someone who could live in God's presence. I live with no regrets. I love the words to Kenneth Cope's song "Treasure the Truth" and believe what they say.

Treasure the Truth

Treasure, lost in a field.
Found by a traveler, then quickly concealed. 
Rejoicing, he gives up his all,
To have the treasure, the Kingdom of God. 

Jesus knew we were lost. 
He came as a traveler to cover the cost. 
Unfailing, He paid with His death. 
Hoping we'd join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Now truly we see what we are.
For treasure will govern the heart. 
And if His heart moved Him to die, so we could live, 
Then His treasure is you and I. 

There's treasure waiting in heaven, 
For all who follow the truths He has given. 
He bids us come, so that's what I will do. 
To have this treasure, I'll treasure the truth. 

Truly we show what we are, 
For treasure will govern our hearts. 
And if our hearts will give up all to live with Him, 
Then our treasure's the Son of God. 

Like treasure laid in a tomb 
Brought forth triumphant in glorious view. 
I pledge my faith, and all that I can do, 
To win His treasure, He is my treasure, 
To be His treasure, I'll treasure the truth.

Giving in to Fear Just Leads to Having More Fear. Be Strong!

The most helpful thing to me has been reading about the voices in the book Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence. In that chapter it says that there are three voices in everyone's head: The first voice says positive things; The second voice says negative things; And the third voice wonders which is right. (Imagine a confused person with a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other shoulder who holds their hands up as if questioning which one to listen to. One voice says, "Do it" another voice says, "Don't do it" and the person thinks, what should I do?)

For years I had a little voice in my head that said bad things to me and made me doubt myself. I listened to that little voice, even though I didn't like it, because I wondered if it said the truth. About ten years ago I learned that it had been lying to me and began thinking good things. (Ever since I got sick the little voice stopped talking to me - and never came back. I don't know why it stopped, but, being the religious person that I am, I choose to consider it a gift from God because He loves me.) Recently, I read the following story and thought the wolves were like the little devil and angel on the person's shoulders:

An old Cherokee told his grandson: "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth."

The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed." 

How true that the dominant voice in my mind is the one I feed.

Last week, Per and Andrew both went on trips, leaving me home alone with Fluffy. For five days I felt fine. (Albeit a little bored at night, but mentally and emotionally OK.) On day six, I sat upstairs doing something in the kitchen. Someone impatiently rang my doorbell three times, and by the time I opened the door he stood at the end of my driveway on his phone. I let my imagination see a bad possibility that scared me. He held a clipboard and could have been talking to his boss, but I also considered the possibility that he had called a thief to tell them to rob my home because no one answered the door. I let my fear go so far as to text my son, text a friend, turn on every light in the house, turn on the TV, lock every lock, move the key that unlocks my room, and lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. 

I worried all night about a robber getting me. Every time I saw the light outside my bedroom door, I thought about the bad scenario and felt more scared. The next day I thought about how if a robber wanted to do something bad, they'd find a way to do it; I might deter them but if they wanted to do a bad thing, they would.

There are many things that I don't like and that scare me, but I tell myself, "You can handle it!" I'd rather be tough than fearful. I prefer to think, I can! I'm strong and capable of doing hard things. I fed my fear that day and it became stronger. Had I not given in to fear I would have been strong, and, although scared, I would have thought, You can handle it instead of thinking, I'm more scared now. In retrospect, I would have been mentally and emotionally fine had I not fed my fear. People are strong and capable of handling things - I hope they will be strong even when they feel scared.

United We Stand

To Americans over 30:

I have more in common with you than I don't. I relate to you in many ways (jobs, kids, spouses, nationalities, interests, sports, music, movie preferences, patriotism, and many more things.) I want to get along with you and share what we have in common; I see the doughnut in you more than the hole. I won't say things that divide us, but will say things that unite us to be friends. I'm reminded of this part of this song:

For united we stand, divided we fall,

And if our backs should ever be against the wall,

We'll be together, together, you and I.

I remember that song being a sort-of motto of America in the 70's and 80's. Do you remember that? Back then, people sang about unity. These days, it seems like people sing about division. Back then, the Civil Rights movement had just occurred and people had the focus of coming together. These days, it seems like Civil Rights are tearing us apart.

Back in the day, patriotism got displayed openly in this country. These days, it seems like some Americans are ashamed of their country. I've noticed that most Americans are patriotic...but in private; I wish they would openly show their patriotism. If something bad happens to America, then people are openly patriotic, but if nothing bad happens to America, then some Americans aren't very patriotic; maybe they think, let them do it. A lot of Americans showed their patriotic pride after 9/11. I saw many flags and patriotic attitudes. But the longer time goes away from 9/11/2001, the less American pride I see. 

I hope to see flags flown, not hear talk about our freedom to burn them. I hope that we'll sing patriotic songs, so they won't become memories. I hope that we'll have parades, and be proud of our country everyday of the year - not just on July 4th. 

I won't become an example of hate to my children. I believe that we all choose how to react to unfairness. I will be nice, merciful, and loving, and I hope that you will, too. Instead of complaining in my home about how great this country used to be, I want to make it great again! This world is my children's home and right now it's getting destroying by hate. I will be the change I want to see in the world. I won't get mad because the other guy won't change, but will give mercy to him and hope that if the tables were turned, mercy would be given to me. I want my kids to continue the patriotism of America, so I will talk about America's greatness. This world doesn't have to go downhill, but I can only control what I do. I will be friendly, kind, and the sort of person that others want to be around.

I know that other people besides Americans read my blog. I'm an American and love my country, but anyone can be a patriot. Bottom line: I hope that we will see what unites us, and have more love in our hearts. We're the good guys and need to only fight with the enemy. This world is worsening because of negativity, and needs people who lift, unite, and inspire. I hope that can be you and me.

Doing My Best vs. The Best

All I can do is my best. I'm not perfect but I do the best I can. I expect the best from myself, not the least. When I make a mistake, all I can do is -admit it, -say I'm sorry, and -try better the next time.

Expecting myself to always be perfect is impossible. I'm human and sooner or later will make a mistake. It's wrong to expect myself, or anyone, to never fail. When I fail, I will learn from my mistakes and have a deeper resolve, but will I also get mad and say things that I don't mean? Do I say mean things possibly because I expect too much?

Another person's best isn't necessarily my best. When they do something, all I can do is say, "Did you do your best?" (I hope they gave it their all, but ultimately the choice to do well belonged to them.) 

I won't think negative things when I, or anyone else, fails, but will have compassion and hope for better things the next time. I heard a person repeatedly say, "Do your best plus a little more." I can always do a little more and improve. I commit to do my best and never say, "No one will ever know" because it's not true - I will know. I will do my best because that's who I am.

What E'er Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part

I heard something yesterday that I believe is true, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part." It reminds me of something I read in a book once, "Act as if." I had a temporary job once to fill in for a girl while she had surgery and recovered. I kept telling myself, "Act as if" and did well for my boss. When the job ended, my boss and other bosses had recognized my good work and created a position so they could keep me around.

I'm not saying that positions will be created for the person who does a good job, but that a person needs to do the best they can. "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

I did the best I could in my job, but my new boss felt the need to tell me (in so many words) that I'd never be as good as him. He was very nice, but I knew my place. Bosses need to encourage their employees to excel and employees need to do good jobs. I left my new boss (even though he was nice) because I knew I could do more. He, too, could have followed this saying, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

Even if I have the lowliest job on the planet, I need to do the best work possible. The same is true if I have the highest job. My work speaks for itself;  it always says the kind of person I am. I need to do my best at whatever I do so that I won't regret knowing that I could have done better. When I've done less than my best in the past, it doesn't help me to negatively say, "It's too late for me because I can't fix what's been done." I need to say this, "From now on I'll do better."

Special Experiences in my Life

One of the special things in my life are my dreams. Vivid, colorful, detailed, honest, weird, liberating, repeating, and sometimes continuous. I remember a lot of my dreams as well as the feelings that accompany them. They are set in different times - some past, some present, and some future. A few are scary, and many are peaceful. Some are gross, and a lot are beautiful. When I think of certain places, certain dreams enter my mind. I remember less of my dreams now than before getting sick, but they mean great things to me.

I'm glad to write things in my journal. Many thoughts run through my mind and are easier to contemplate when I write them down. My journal is like a mute friend that listens for as long as I talk. People can hear too many words, but my journal never says, "Enough!" Many times, I've considered my journal cheap therapy because I've written my true feelings and later read and learned from them. My first journal versus the one I have now are quite different. One reflects my 10-year old self, and the other reflects a more mature me.

One of my favorite high school memories is when a group of friends and I went to a park at night, stood in a circle holding hands, and sang songs. Most teenage kids wouldn't esteem an event like that, but it touched my soul. I'm thankful for the spirituality that has always been a part of my life. Church services, seminary, firesides, and Super Saturdays shaped me. Even my high school choir experience had a spiritual effect on my life. I'm sure that the person I am today is partly attributed to the fact that a lot of my growing up years were done in Orem and Provo, Utah. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel in my heart for the spirituality in my life.

Nothing compares to love. My marriage and the birth of my children are special experiences, indeed. Per, Bryan, and Andrew enrich my life more than I can say. My heart overflowed last year when I saw my oldest son marry his sweetheart. Kimbra adds something special to our family - she is meant to be with us. 

The places around the world where I've been hold a special place in my heart. The people I've met have truly touched me - I'm fortunate to have met them. Some people don't want to travel far distances but I've always wanted it and appreciate the opportunity to have done so. The beautiful places I've seen have enhanced my life. Memories are forever etched in my mind of wonderful sites, fun things, and nice people.

There are many special experiences in my life that haven't been mentioned. Actually, every good experience I've had is special. I feel so grateful when I think about all the special things in my life. Sure, there are crappy things in my life too, but I don't mention them because they aren't special. I am not exempt from feeling sad, lonely, betrayed, and many other negative things, I just don't choose to remain depressed, mad, or hurt because I want to feel happy. There are many good experiences in my life. I love remembering them.

Peeping Tom and Curiosity

Peeping Tom had been a part of my life for years. As a child, I had no privacy. I put things away in my drawer where they wouldn't be found, but they'd be found and taken. I've kept a journal since 10 years old, and inevitably people would read my thoughts. Doors have been pounded on when I've locked them and stood on the other side; people have demanded me to let them in and I've said, "No! Leave me alone!"

It may seem innocent to listen to other people's conversations, but it's an invasion of privacy, a lack of trust, and a lack of respect. People innocently get called "nosy" but it's more than that...it's just plain rude!

Children see what their elders do, and if their elders do those things they do them too. That happened to me. I used to spy on my husband and think he didn't tell me the truth. I wanted to "catch" him in his lie to verify my hunch. I had a great lack of trust. One day I realized that he'd never lied to me so I figured I needed to trust him. 

I began to trust my husband, but still had the curiosity every once in a while to spy on him. (The curiosity didn't stem from my lack of trust but from my weakness.) I didn't want to spy, but no matter how much will power I had, sooner or later I gave in to temptation. I couldn't stop the habit on my own - no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I prayed to God to take the weakness from me and mercifully, He did.

I no longer have the desire to spy. My husband could lie to me, but I know that it's his action and if he does lie, it's his weakness to overcome. (My responsibility would be to forgive him when he asked for it.) My curiosity (nosiness) led to wrong behavior. I'm glad I learned to trust and to give other people respect and privacy.