Why I Am Focused and Religious

I behave based on what's in my heart. The thing I want most in my heart is eternal life - I want to live again with God and JC. The first year after getting sick, I realized that I could spend my entire life focusing on things that didn't matter - things that could be taken away - and never develop (focus on) the things that DID matter and that would never be taken away - my character (see Behavior vs. Attributes in November 2009.) I decided to focus on the important things to me: my family relationships, my character, and my relationship with God.

I want my goal some day, but want to have Godly attributes in my character right now. (I could go somewhere today, get hit by a bus, and be killed. I don't know for how long my life will be - I assume, but, in truth, simply don't know. No matter for how long I live, I want to be prepared now for when I meet God.) I want to be real - not just appear real because I know that I can't fool Him; He who looks at my heart. I want to be the same...both on the inside and outside - I don't want to look nice on the outside but on the inside be filled with dead men's bones.

Fast forward to today. I'm focused and religious because I only develop in me what matters most. I've dropped the things that really don't matter and have tried to focus on the things that do matter (my character.) I'm authentic, and believe that I'm someone who could live in God's presence. I live with no regrets. I love the words to Kenneth Cope's song "Treasure the Truth" and believe what they say.

Treasure the Truth

Treasure, lost in a field.
Found by a traveler, then quickly concealed. 
Rejoicing, he gives up his all,
To have the treasure, the Kingdom of God. 

Jesus knew we were lost. 
He came as a traveler to cover the cost. 
Unfailing, He paid with His death. 
Hoping we'd join Him in the Kingdom of Heaven. 

Now truly we see what we are.
For treasure will govern the heart. 
And if His heart moved Him to die, so we could live, 
Then His treasure is you and I. 

There's treasure waiting in heaven, 
For all who follow the truths He has given. 
He bids us come, so that's what I will do. 
To have this treasure, I'll treasure the truth. 

Truly we show what we are, 
For treasure will govern our hearts. 
And if our hearts will give up all to live with Him, 
Then our treasure's the Son of God. 

Like treasure laid in a tomb 
Brought forth triumphant in glorious view. 
I pledge my faith, and all that I can do, 
To win His treasure, He is my treasure, 
To be His treasure, I'll treasure the truth.

Giving in to Fear Just Leads to Having More Fear. Be Strong!

The most helpful thing to me has been reading about the voices in the book Following the Light of Christ Into His Presence. In that chapter it says that there are three voices in everyone's head: The first voice says positive things; The second voice says negative things; And the third voice wonders which is right. (Imagine a confused person with a little devil on one shoulder and a little angel on the other shoulder who holds their hands up as if questioning which one to listen to. One voice says, "Do it" another voice says, "Don't do it" and the person thinks, what should I do?)

For years I had a little voice in my head that said bad things to me and made me doubt myself. I listened to that little voice, even though I didn't like it, because I wondered if it said the truth. About ten years ago I learned that it had been lying to me and began thinking good things. (Ever since I got sick the little voice stopped talking to me - and never came back. I don't know why it stopped, but, being the religious person that I am, I choose to consider it a gift from God because He loves me.) Recently, I read the following story and thought the wolves were like the little devil and angel on the person's shoulders:

An old Cherokee told his grandson: "My son, there is a battle between two wolves inside us all. One is evil. It is anger, jealousy, greed, resentment, inferiority, lies, and ego. The other is good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, humility, kindness, empathy, and truth."

The boy thought about it, and asked, "Grandfather, which wolf wins?"

The old man quietly replied, "The one you feed." 

How true that the dominant voice in my mind is the one I feed.

Last week, Per and Andrew both went on trips, leaving me home alone with Fluffy. For five days I felt fine. (Albeit a little bored at night, but mentally and emotionally OK.) On day six, I sat upstairs doing something in the kitchen. Someone impatiently rang my doorbell three times, and by the time I opened the door he stood at the end of my driveway on his phone. I let my imagination see a bad possibility that scared me. He held a clipboard and could have been talking to his boss, but I also considered the possibility that he had called a thief to tell them to rob my home because no one answered the door. I let my fear go so far as to text my son, text a friend, turn on every light in the house, turn on the TV, lock every lock, move the key that unlocks my room, and lock my bedroom door when I went to bed. 

I worried all night about a robber getting me. Every time I saw the light outside my bedroom door, I thought about the bad scenario and felt more scared. The next day I thought about how if a robber wanted to do something bad, they'd find a way to do it; I might deter them but if they wanted to do a bad thing, they would.

There are many things that I don't like and that scare me, but I tell myself, "You can handle it!" I'd rather be tough than fearful. I prefer to think, I can! I'm strong and capable of doing hard things. I fed my fear that day and it became stronger. Had I not given in to fear I would have been strong, and, although scared, I would have thought, You can handle it instead of thinking, I'm more scared now. In retrospect, I would have been mentally and emotionally fine had I not fed my fear. People are strong and capable of handling things - I hope they will be strong even when they feel scared.

United We Stand

To Americans over 30:

I have more in common with you than I don't. I relate to you in many ways (jobs, kids, spouses, nationalities, interests, sports, music, movie preferences, patriotism, and many more things.) I want to get along with you and share what we have in common; I see the doughnut in you more than the hole. I won't say things that divide us, but will say things that unite us to be friends. I'm reminded of this part of this song:

For united we stand, divided we fall,

And if our backs should ever be against the wall,

We'll be together, together, you and I.

I remember that song being a sort-of motto of America in the 70's and 80's. Do you remember that? Back then, people sang about unity. These days, it seems like people sing about division. Back then, the Civil Rights movement had just occurred and people had the focus of coming together. These days, it seems like Civil Rights are tearing us apart.

Back in the day, patriotism got displayed openly in this country. These days, it seems like some Americans are ashamed of their country. I've noticed that most Americans are patriotic...but in private; I wish they would openly show their patriotism. If something bad happens to America, then people are openly patriotic, but if nothing bad happens to America, then some Americans aren't very patriotic; maybe they think, let them do it. A lot of Americans showed their patriotic pride after 9/11. I saw many flags and patriotic attitudes. But the longer time goes away from 9/11/2001, the less American pride I see. 

I hope to see flags flown, not hear talk about our freedom to burn them. I hope that we'll sing patriotic songs, so they won't become memories. I hope that we'll have parades, and be proud of our country everyday of the year - not just on July 4th. 

I won't become an example of hate to my children. I believe that we all choose how to react to unfairness. I will be nice, merciful, and loving, and I hope that you will, too. Instead of complaining in my home about how great this country used to be, I want to make it great again! This world is my children's home and right now it's getting destroying by hate. I will be the change I want to see in the world. I won't get mad because the other guy won't change, but will give mercy to him and hope that if the tables were turned, mercy would be given to me. I want my kids to continue the patriotism of America, so I will talk about America's greatness. This world doesn't have to go downhill, but I can only control what I do. I will be friendly, kind, and the sort of person that others want to be around.

I know that other people besides Americans read my blog. I'm an American and love my country, but anyone can be a patriot. Bottom line: I hope that we will see what unites us, and have more love in our hearts. We're the good guys and need to only fight with the enemy. This world is worsening because of negativity, and needs people who lift, unite, and inspire. I hope that can be you and me.

Doing My Best vs. The Best

All I can do is my best. I'm not perfect but I do the best I can. I expect the best from myself, not the least. When I make a mistake, all I can do is -admit it, -say I'm sorry, and -try better the next time.

Expecting myself to always be perfect is impossible. I'm human and sooner or later will make a mistake. It's wrong to expect myself, or anyone, to never fail. When I fail, I will learn from my mistakes and have a deeper resolve, but will I also get mad and say things that I don't mean? Do I say mean things possibly because I expect too much?

Another person's best isn't necessarily my best. When they do something, all I can do is say, "Did you do your best?" (I hope they gave it their all, but ultimately the choice to do well belonged to them.) 

I won't think negative things when I, or anyone else, fails, but will have compassion and hope for better things the next time. I heard a person repeatedly say, "Do your best plus a little more." I can always do a little more and improve. I commit to do my best and never say, "No one will ever know" because it's not true - I will know. I will do my best because that's who I am.

What E'er Thou Art, Act Well Thy Part

I heard something yesterday that I believe is true, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part." It reminds me of something I read in a book once, "Act as if." I had a temporary job once to fill in for a girl while she had surgery and recovered. I kept telling myself, "Act as if" and did well for my boss. When the job ended, my boss and other bosses had recognized my good work and created a position so they could keep me around.

I'm not saying that positions will be created for the person who does a good job, but that a person needs to do the best they can. "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

I did the best I could in my job, but my new boss felt the need to tell me (in so many words) that I'd never be as good as him. He was very nice, but I knew my place. Bosses need to encourage their employees to excel and employees need to do good jobs. I left my new boss (even though he was nice) because I knew I could do more. He, too, could have followed this saying, "What e'er thou art, act well thy part."

Even if I have the lowliest job on the planet, I need to do the best work possible. The same is true if I have the highest job. My work speaks for itself;  it always says the kind of person I am. I need to do my best at whatever I do so that I won't regret knowing that I could have done better. When I've done less than my best in the past, it doesn't help me to negatively say, "It's too late for me because I can't fix what's been done." I need to say this, "From now on I'll do better."

Special Experiences in my Life

One of the special things in my life are my dreams. Vivid, colorful, detailed, honest, weird, liberating, repeating, and sometimes continuous. I remember a lot of my dreams as well as the feelings that accompany them. They are set in different times - some past, some present, and some future. A few are scary, and many are peaceful. Some are gross, and a lot are beautiful. When I think of certain places, certain dreams enter my mind. I remember less of my dreams now than before getting sick, but they mean great things to me.

I'm glad to write things in my journal. Many thoughts run through my mind and are easier to contemplate when I write them down. My journal is like a mute friend that listens for as long as I talk. People can hear too many words, but my journal never says, "Enough!" Many times, I've considered my journal cheap therapy because I've written my true feelings and later read and learned from them. My first journal versus the one I have now are quite different. One reflects my 10-year old self, and the other reflects a more mature me.

One of my favorite high school memories is when a group of friends and I went to a park at night, stood in a circle holding hands, and sang songs. Most teenage kids wouldn't esteem an event like that, but it touched my soul. I'm thankful for the spirituality that has always been a part of my life. Church services, seminary, firesides, and Super Saturdays shaped me. Even my high school choir experience had a spiritual effect on my life. I'm sure that the person I am today is partly attributed to the fact that a lot of my growing up years were done in Orem and Provo, Utah. Words cannot express the gratitude I feel in my heart for the spirituality in my life.

Nothing compares to love. My marriage and the birth of my children are special experiences, indeed. Per, Bryan, and Andrew enrich my life more than I can say. My heart overflowed last year when I saw my oldest son marry his sweetheart. Kimbra adds something special to our family - she is meant to be with us. 

The places around the world where I've been hold a special place in my heart. The people I've met have truly touched me - I'm fortunate to have met them. Some people don't want to travel far distances but I've always wanted it and appreciate the opportunity to have done so. The beautiful places I've seen have enhanced my life. Memories are forever etched in my mind of wonderful sites, fun things, and nice people.

There are many special experiences in my life that haven't been mentioned. Actually, every good experience I've had is special. I feel so grateful when I think about all the special things in my life. Sure, there are crappy things in my life too, but I don't mention them because they aren't special. I am not exempt from feeling sad, lonely, betrayed, and many other negative things, I just don't choose to remain depressed, mad, or hurt because I want to feel happy. There are many good experiences in my life. I love remembering them.

Peeping Tom and Curiosity

Peeping Tom had been a part of my life for years. As a child, I had no privacy. I put things away in my drawer where they wouldn't be found, but they'd be found and taken. I've kept a journal since 10 years old, and inevitably people would read my thoughts. Doors have been pounded on when I've locked them and stood on the other side; people have demanded me to let them in and I've said, "No! Leave me alone!"

It may seem innocent to listen to other people's conversations, but it's an invasion of privacy, a lack of trust, and a lack of respect. People innocently get called "nosy" but it's more than that...it's just plain rude!

Children see what their elders do, and if their elders do those things they do them too. That happened to me. I used to spy on my husband and think he didn't tell me the truth. I wanted to "catch" him in his lie to verify my hunch. I had a great lack of trust. One day I realized that he'd never lied to me so I figured I needed to trust him. 

I began to trust my husband, but still had the curiosity every once in a while to spy on him. (The curiosity didn't stem from my lack of trust but from my weakness.) I didn't want to spy, but no matter how much will power I had, sooner or later I gave in to temptation. I couldn't stop the habit on my own - no matter how hard I tried. I wanted to stop but I couldn't. I prayed to God to take the weakness from me and mercifully, He did.

I no longer have the desire to spy. My husband could lie to me, but I know that it's his action and if he does lie, it's his weakness to overcome. (My responsibility would be to forgive him when he asked for it.) My curiosity (nosiness) led to wrong behavior. I'm glad I learned to trust and to give other people respect and privacy.

My Greatest Hope

Today is Easter. Many people open gifts, eat candy, search for eggs, and think of the Easter Bunny. I wonder how many people think of Jesus Christ and the gift He gave us. He gave us the gift of immortality. He gave the gift to all people - whether or not they believe in him. To be saved and rise again when we die, what a gift!

I want to live with God in eternity, and I believe that I will. Some people don't believe in God, and that's okay with me. I accept them and hope they will accept me. I believe the scripture that says, "Every knee shall bow and every tongue shall confess to God." (Romans 14:11) and look forward to His return happening one day.

I believe with all my heart that Jesus is the Messiah, and the Savior of the world. I thank Him for suffering for me so that I can be resurrected and live with God again. I celebrate Jesus Christ today.

(Not) Supporting a Cause

Gay marriage is in the media again. This time the HRC (Human Rights Campaign) is taking the issue to the supreme court. The ACLU (American Civil Liberties Union) is involved, and NOM (National Organization for Marriage) opposes it. The issue is the word 'marriage'. The HRC and ACLU want the definition of marriage in the law to include three things: 1) between a man and a woman, 2) between two men, and 3) between two women. Currently, in U.S. law, the definition includes one thing - between a man and a woman.

I think that people support causes, but they don't really want them to end. They want the causes to continue because they like the fight. But do they really want the effects of the end result? (For example, gay people want equality and fairness but if they got those things they would just be ordinary people, and, truthfully, the effects are that the wouldn't be in the spotlight. Right now gay people are special; they are in the spotlight.)

Causes (minorities, immigration, race, homosexuality, religion) bring focus to their group. I truly believe that some people want to be a part of a memorable group because they like the attention and because the fight takes the focus off of them not having to work on aspects of their character (like not working on being kinder [or whatever] because they're too busy fighting for their cause.)

Life is full of unfairness. How I respond to the unfair thing tells how I am. If I get angry about the unfair thing, it just says that I'm an angry person. My life will benefit more by me working on controlling my anger than by me supporting a cause. When I die, the cause won't be there but my angry attribute will. Will the HRC, ACLU and NOM help me be kinder? No, I need to do that myself. It seems like loyalty only goes one way, and it doesn't point to me, but to them. How is it fair to me that I need to be loyal to them but they don't need to be loyal to me?

Organizations like the HRC, ACLU, and NOM get involved in causes because they want to win. After the gay marriage result, they will move on to the next cause. It seems like they support people, but, really, they support causes. Those organizations aren't people - they don't have lives - they are companies. They are filled with people, but the harsh reality is that they don't care about the people, they just care about themselves (existing, winning.) Those organizations will do anything to stay in business: they want employee loyalty, but their loyalty is to only themselves. 

After the Supreme Court result, other people (human rights groups, people passionate about the cause, etc.) will work out the details of the gay marriage cause, but the HRC, ACLU and NOM will have moved on to the next thing.

I'm staying out of the fight. I would rather work on my character then support a cause.

Easing My Burdens

I compare trials to The Lord of the Rings. The ring was killing Frodo but when he got to Mt. Doom and held the ring over the fire, he couldn't let it go and instead kept it - he said, "The ring is mine!" 

Some of my burdens are hard, perhaps I feel like they are killing me, but if I hold on to my burdens and don't change to make things better, I just drive myself crazy wishing things were different. I'm a strong person and capable of taking the first step to make things better in my life. 

I know that when I have burdens it's helpful to believe things will be better, to have hope in my heart, and to think good things. (Things don't always look good when I make changes; sometimes I wonder if I should go back, but when I keep moving forward and tell myself that one day the future will be bright, it happens and I feel so happy!)

I don't always get what I want, but I always get what's best for me. Sometimes I make life harder when I don't accept reality and instead want the past. (Divinely speaking: It seems like when I put my trust in God's hands, give my control to Him, and submit my will to Him my life goes better.)

I want to be in charge of my life and be happy, therefore I will do my best to make changes in my life when I'm not happy. I hope change will ease my burdens.

The Successful and the Freeloaders

I heard a Jewish Rabbi (who is very familiar with the Talmud) say that only 20% of the Israelite's left Egypt and followed Moses. The Hebrew Bible says 1/5 of the children of Israel left Egypt. Perhaps the many who stayed said things like, "It's not so bad to be a slave," or "I like Egypt and I'm not leaving," or "My family is staying and I won't leave them." Whatever they might have said the point is that they chose to follow Pharaoh not God.

The percentage seems consistent with the many and the few. Regarding the straight and narrow path, few there be that find it. Regarding the broad path, many there go thereat. Freeloaders say they don't have the same chances as the successful. Wrong! All people have the same chance, but freeloaders choose not to do what it takes to become successful. 

Successful people plan for their future. Freeloaders don't plan - they don't see their future past right now. This truth reminds me of the story about the ants and the grasshopper:

In the summer, the ants gathered food so they'd have something to eat in the winter. The grasshopper just enjoyed the sunshine. In the winter, the ants partied in their warm house and ate their food. Meanwhile, the grasshopper froze outside. He noticed the ants inside all warm and toasty and full of food, so he knocked on their door and asked if he could join them. The ants said yes and gave him shelter and food, whereby the grasshopper did a jig.

Freeloaders have existed since at least the time of Moses, possibly forever, why should anything different be expected today? Successful people will continue to plan and freeloaders will continue to complain that life isn't fair. Successful people will continue to show mercy to freeloaders and each person's actions will say how they are.

Goals and To-Do Lists

Some people make to-do lists that are super long, and then when they don't accomplish everything (impossible) they consider themselves failures and mentally beat themselves up. (People add to their to-do lists because they don't want to forget what they remembered so they write it down.) It's good to have a running to-do list to jog a person's memory to remember something they probably forgot. The problem is that the running list is used as 'today's list'. It's a problem because what's not accomplished today is added to the next day, and by the end of the week the list is huge! People need to keep the two lists separate.

Most people call themselves 'lazy' when they do something else instead of the items on their list. They're not lazy - they're productive when they want to be. Maybe their task is so huge that they feel overwhelmed and don't know where to start so they either 1) stare into space like a zombie, or 2) do something easier, or 3) avoid it altogether. At the end of the day, when they don't accomplish all the items on their list, they call themselves a mean name. I think they need to be nice to themselves.

If a task is too huge, perhaps it can be broken down into smaller tasks - ones that aren't hard and are actually fun to accomplish. (An elephant isn't eaten in one piece, but one bite at a time.) People need to remember that the big task will be completed when all of the smaller tasks get done. People need to be patient while their goal gets accomplished. And they need to realize that goals don't have to be hard - they can actually be fun!

Here's a personal example: 

GOAL: Do all I can to be healthy. (I want to do this because I'm tired all the time, I have low energy, and I want to take my health into my own hands.) 

TASK (1) Eat healthy. 

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Try the Swank Diet. For a year (possibly forever, but at least for a year) don't eat red meat, pork, or dark meat poultry (do eat only white meat poultry, all types of fish, and all types of shellfish.) I know it will take a while for me to remember this - I won't quit or go back to my old ways when I forget, instead I will keep trying. 

(b) Don't eat junk food. I won't eat fast foods, processed foods, fatty foods, or fried foods. (I will eat vegetables, good desserts, fruits, meat that is good for me, fats that are good for me, and carbs that are good for me.) Of course, anything in excess is bad so I'll have limitations that make sense and not be excessive. Again, it will take me a while to remember this. I won't quit when it feels hard, instead I'll remember my goal and keep trying. I will stop eating fast food and instead eat foods that are yummy and good for me. When I eat out, I will only eat things that make me feel good afterward. I won't over eat, or eat heavy things that make me feel like crap because I want to eat healthy. 

TASK (2) Exercise. I can't do things that make me hot because I feel like crying, so I need to find something that I CAN do. 

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Find an exercise that I can do without getting hot (besides swimming - so I don't have to do my hair or wear a swimsuit!) 

(b) Implement the found exercise into my activities. (I haven't found the exercise yet, but once I do I want to add it to my life.) 

TASK (3) Use vitamins or drugs. I used to take the drug Copaxone for almost two years but feel it stopped working for me so I stopped taking it (and I'm glad because those shots really hurt!) I used to take the drug Lamotrigine (to stop the moments - which it did!) but it made me tired so I weened off of it and the moments never came back!

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Use things that make me feel good. (All drugs have side-affects so I will look at natural things first, but if drugs do the best job then I'll use drugs.)

TASK (4) Accept my illness. Saying that I accept my illness is a hard thing to tell people because it seems like I'm giving up and not looking for other possibilities; acceptance is so definite. In years past, I've looked at other possibilities and each time it has led to me feel great disappointment. I'm open to considering other possibilities but the simple truth is that if the possibility isn't the truth I don't want to feel disappointed and get my hopes up. My disease could be something else but I choose to believe I have MS and to focus on how to live with it.

SMALLER TASK(S): (a) Say what I CAN do not what I CAN'T. I won't compare what I do now to what I did then because it's not fair to me, nor helpful to compare myself to the past. I will be happy about ALL my accomplishments no matter how small.

(b) Have good self-esteem. I won't think I'm less than anyone else because I have a handicap. I'll see the good instead of the bad in my situation. I'll listen to people, read books & magazines, and watch things on TV that lift me up not drag me down. I won't be a part of things that make me feel bad about myself.

Learning Something

I don't have a degree, but I've read many books written by people who do. They have deeply contemplated and researched the things they've written and their words have enriched my life. I have sought to learn from the best books and have found much information. Not all books are good and I rely on my heart to tell me to keep reading or not. If I feel good, I keep reading whereas if I feel bad, I put the book down. Sometimes I pick up a book and feel an impression tell me 'that book is not for you' so I put it down. Maybe the impressions sound hokey, but I listen and know they benefit me in some way.

There are many things to learn. I read what interests me and what will benefit my life in some way. Sometimes I want to relax and not think so I read a novel that allows me to escape into the author's world. Sometimes I want to learn so I read something that teaches me. Sometimes I want to be inspired so I read something uplifting. Whether I read a book, a magazine, or the TV guide, the information enters my mind and I must decide to keep or ignore what I've read.

(A great chapter is in the book: Teachings of Presidents of The Church Brigham Young. It's chapter 27 called Learning by study and by faith. Click here to go to this book.)

The Great 2013 Snow Storm in Kansas City

Kansas has crazy weather. One day it's 40 degrees and the next day it's 90. There seems to always be one storm in the winter, and it's usually ice; beautiful but very slippery. Granted, it's only February so technically there could be more bad weather, but I hope not like this. The clouds dropped 18" of snow on the ground, then a few days later another 12" of snow fell. The first snowfall broke records; the weatherman said that Kansas hadn't had that much snow for 100 years. I'm glad we had a snow blower; it saved Per's back! The 20 degree temperature made the snow less damp. But, the wind didn't help! Per came into the house several times drenched because the snow had blown into his face! (Poor guy )

Thankfully Per kept up on clearing our driveway because otherwise the snow would have been too deep for the snow blower. He cleared our driveway because we had an appointment at the bank that morning. Tragically, right after he cleared the snow, a snow plow came down our street and his plow left a mound of snow in front of our driveway; Per had to snow blow the mound so we could leave. The snow fell so quickly that by the time we left (in our 4-wheel drive car) the road didn't look like anyone had driven on it. We got stuck at the end of our street, so drove home and called the guy at the bank and said we couldn't make it.

The weatherman said the snow fell at 3" an hour. Most businesses closed before noon. Cities in Johnson County told their residents not to drive on the road because they couldn't help if they got stuck. If drivers got stuck, they could make it harder for emergency vehicles to get around them. 

Per felt stressed that day because he had a flight to Germany, but it got cancelled. (Unavoidable because the airport shut down.) Several times, the airline rerouted his flight, then later cancelled it. (Per doesn't do things at the last minute, he prepares in advance and avoids stress. But he can't control the weather!) I'm glad that Per didn't fly to Europe on Thursday because he would've followed the storm, and he might have gotten stranded somewhere else and possibly would have had to sleep at the airport! He flew to Germany the next day (Friday,) connected through SLC (wrong direction,) and thankfully made it to Europe. The next morning upon opening his curtains he saw more snow! (At least he didn't need to shovel!)

Per using his snow blower

Our deck
(the table yard stick measures snowfall)

)

The grill and smoker on our deck - in much snow
(look at the snow by the window!)

In the afternoon, our driveway, sidewalk and down the street
(Per's hard work paid off!)

Sidewalk leading to the front of the house
(That's a lot of snow!)

Our patio furniture covered in snow

Snow in Germany

Five days later, we got more snow; another foot. That time, the snow was damper and the height and weight prevented Andrew from using the snow blower. He shoveled our driveway and stairs and did a great job! The sun's warm temperature made some of the snow melt and water covered some streets. The weatherman declared that the water would be dangerous the next day when it froze overnight and became ice. Here we are today snug in our homes, and many kids are enjoying a snow day. As I look out my window I see falling snow again!

The deck - A LOT of snow!

Trees in our backyard covered in heavy snow

Patio furniture and a look at the trees

Deck railing covered in snow
(The second storm was very windy too)

Andrew shoveling heavy snow

The yard from my front door
(Andrew finished shoveling before the guys across the street
although they had three people and had started before him!)

Tree in the front yard in much snow

After shoveling. Good job, Andrew!

I Love People

My illness has caused me to relate to many people.

I relate to people who have a terminal illness because they have a disease that will never go away. The illness has dramatically changed their life and has caused them to possibly think about things that they otherwise wouldn't. People who are terminally ill need some kind of treatment to feel better, so do I. Not everyone has the same kind of illness, and not everyone has the same type of MS. People without a terminal illness can never completely understand someone who does.

I relate to older people because they move slower than they once did. Older people feel young inside, but they can no longer do what they once could. Not only can I sympathize, I can empathize. I love older people. They have rich lives that don't end just because they get old.

I relate to people who suffer hard trials because my trial is hard too - sometime I cry. Sometimes I say, "This isn't fair!" The unfairness of life is crappy; it hurts. I don't discount people's trials but hope they won't let their trials defeat them. Trials are hard to endure but they can also make people stronger.

I relate to people who are what I used to be. I used to be very private and think my world is my world and your world is yours. After getting sick, I felt very transparent. Things dramatically changed for me in a way that I thought people could see right through me. When I got sick, the real me caused me to consider myself average instead of better. I didn't go around thinking of myself as superior but I reached for perfection and considered myself above others who didn't. I remember sitting in my car at a red light, after receiving my diagnosis, and thinking, well, now I get to feel what everyone else feels. I didn't want to be average but above average. Although my disease made me like everyone else, no one was me and that made me special.

I relate to people who appear perfect because I, too, liked the appearance of perfection. When someone came over, I cleaned beforehand because I felt good knowing that I had an immaculate house. On another note, whenever someone saw me I hoped they'd realize I held nothing back in trying to look nice. My hair always looked clean and groomed. My fingernails were always clean. I always wore shoes and clothes of the latest fashion. My makeup always made me feel pretty. I would never have dreamed of going out in public without looking my best. After getting sick, I could only sit - otherwise, I got hot and wanted to cry. I felt angry that I could't do things because I wanted to do them. I felt horrified to ask anyone for help because I didn't want to appear weak - I wanted to do things myself (clean, cook, and do everything I no longer could). I walked in a very unstable way and wore shoes that stabilized me. I quit my job and no longer had the money to by myself things; shopping didn't feel good anyway because I couldn't stand very long before wanting to sit. The changes in me made me feel very insecure and exposed. I didn't want people to judge me. Although I could no longer do a lot of things, people wanted to show me their love.

I look back on the past four years and see that my outlook on life and on people has softened. All I can do is honestly acknowledge my past and hope that someone will benefit from what I say. My current feelings are that I love people. I believe that they're good; that they can do many things; that they have a lot of strength; that they have will-power; that they can accomplish great things; that they are capable of having patience; and that they're everything they wish to be but think they aren't. My greatest hope is that people will see the good and love themselves.

My Grateful Heart

I used to clean multiple rooms in one day. Now, cleaning one room takes me several days. I do a little (not very much to a well person) and have to sit down because my heart is beating and my temperature is raised; if I kept going I'd cry. Over the years I've learned to listen to my body. In the past, I've tried to do what I once could - bad idea. My attempts to do things like I once could have resulted in: 1) Me feeling frustrated; or 2) Me crying; or 3) Me quitting.

I'v learned that it doesn't take much to break a sweat (that's when I need to sit down.) I remember several instances where cleaning caused sweat to run down my nose. (At that moment I kept going until the job got finished.)

I don't mention these things hoping that people will feel sorry for me or hoping that they'll feel sad, but hoping that they'll realize that people can't always do what they once could. I guess I also say these things hoping that people will have more compassion, and that they'll be grateful for what they can do.

I'm gentle on myself now. I allow myself time to accomplish something, and don't expect myself to do it quickly. I know my capabilities. I push myself to do my best and say, "It's great that I tried." (I know that I tried my best and that's all that matters.) I tell myself, "Progression not perfection."

My disease is hard, but it has caused me to look at things in a different way. Instead of feeling angry about my trials being unair, I feel grateful for new knowledge that has improved me.

Inspiring Words

I love to hear or read something inspiring. To me, something is true no matter who said it. I love some quotes by Mother Theresa, but I'm not a Catholic. The Dalai Lama says some great things, but do I need to be a Buddhist to appreciate them? The leaders of my church say some great things too, and I love their words. Here are some wise words that I love:

~If you judge people, you have no time to love them. -Mother Theresa

~When you know better, do better. -Maya Angelou

~It's always better to look up. -Thomas S. Monson

~First you're young, then you're middle-aged, then you're wonderful -Alice Roosevelt Longworth

~Without meaning, we drift. Without goodness, we distrust. Without love, we grow cold. Lloyd Newell

~When you get, give. When you learn, teach. -Maya Angelou

~Our prime purpose in life is to help others. If you can't help them, at least don't hurt them. -Dalai Lama

~We do what we do every day, that's why excellence comes naturally. -Unknown (A sign at Per's doctor's office.)

~Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path. -Psalms 110:105

Sometimes people  say great concepts that encourage and inspire me. When I apply their words to my life, it gives me a feeling of resolve. When I think about their words, it's like having a cheering section that chants "You can do it!" I appreciate people taking the time to say things that benefit my life. Here are some great concepts:

~Dieter F. Uchtdorf said that we can rise above our trials. (He's a commercial pilot by profession, so some of his stories relate to flight.) He gave an excellent talk on prayer and the blue horizon. He compared the clouds to our problems and that when we look up - perhaps the problems are all we see, but to remember there's blue sky and sunshine above the clouds.

~Jim Rohn said that our words help people see possibilities. (He was a business philosopher and motivational speaker who inspired many people.) He mentioned how when we speak, our words shed light on something people can't see. They might say, "It dawned on me". He said that what we say can help others.

Inspiring things are all around me. Books, songs, friends, plaques, and helpful phrases in my mind, encourage and inspire me. It's up to me to see the good in things. The good lifts, it reminds me to hope, and it gives me the courage to face my trials.

Living in the World but Not Being Worldly

When in high school, often I heard "Be in the world but not of the world." One high school year, my seminary had the theme "Not of the World." Then, leaders of my church often talked about standing out and being different. I remember hearing a talk about being different where the speaker used clean-cut missionaries as an example. He said that if the world became clean-cut, the missionaries would do the opposite to stand out. I grew up hearing "stand out."

I don't want to be one of the millions, I am unique - no one else is exactly like me. I'm used to being different; I've been different than other people for most of my life. For example I'm left handed, taller than most girls (and a lot of guys), Hawaiian, Mormon, A teenage mother, chronically ill, married to a foreign man, dark brown haired, brown eyed, used to moving (having moved 20 times before the age of 17), an admirer of sci-fi/fantasy films, and a person who enjoys hearing choral music and opera.

My differences could be considered weird, but they could also be considered to give me character and make me unique. I may live in this world, but I won't go anywhere or do anything not chosen. I'm not afraid to stand out - even when standing alone.

Positive Thoughts About Living in a Loving Place

Everyone who reads my blog sees first hand that sometimes I have the tendency to assume the worst instead of hope for the best. I posted my previous post to indicate that I will honestly state how I feel without being afraid of what people think; that I'm willing to say my opinion even if people stop being my friend; and that I will stand by my beliefs even if I stand alone. My intention being said, I don't want to hurt or offend anyone. I care about my friends. Yes, I have my opinion but I don't need to rub it in anyone's face.

When I hear something bad, my first inclination is to get away from it. When I heard about bullets being purchased by homeland security, my imagination went wild. I didn't want to possibly be shot. I didn't want to have a leader who I felt didn't care about me. I didn't want to live in a country that could possibly turn on its people. (We are civilized, not barbaric. We don't act like what I see happening in Syria.) 

All the thoughts of what I didn't want caused me to think about leaving my country. I thought about where I would go and considered Mexico or Central America - somewhere where the people had values like me. (They are a loving people and family oriented; though poor.) I considered why foreigners came to America and imagined taking the idea of freedom to them and lifting them out of their poverty. (I believe that foreigners don't want to leave the country they love, but they do it to have a better life.)

As I considered the idea of offering the American ideals to a people who need it, and the thought of lifting them out of their poverty, I got excited; I saw them in a different way than I ever had before; I wanted to be a part of helping people do something good. (To lift, not tear down.)

I have hope that my country will remain great, but reality tells me differently. Things are changing and I resist some changes. Nevertheless, I will say things that include hope so that people are encouraged by my writing. Lashing out isn't helpful, expressing myself in the best way is. One of my challenges is to think before I speak. I want to live in a loving place and hope that place is the United States of America. 

Living in a Loving Place

What Per said about political parties moving left (more to the liberal side) seems true. The news said the Republican Party would be abolished. My assumption is that if that's true then a new party would probably be more liberal. In twenty years maybe people will say, "I remember when the Republican Party was conservative." Per said the Democratic Party has become more liberal too in that the "blue dog democrats" (the conservative ones) haven't been re-elected and are no longer in congress - they are no longer in the party - they are nowhere. How sad that America is becoming more liberal and leaving conservatism behind. (It seems true because, in looking at my blog posts, I've said that right is wrong and wrong is right, and I wished that people would stand for their beliefs.)

President Obama will be talked about in history. I'm scared of the possibility that under his administration, America could cease to exist. I sound negative and paranoid, but if it happens I won't be negative and paranoid because I'll be right. America may cease to exist, but the 'idea' of America - life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness - will live on because many people believe in that idea. That idea gave many people around the world hope that if they came to America they had a chance of getting their dream. If America gets destroyed, so will people's hope.

If America ceases to exist, another country will exist that offers hope because there's always opposites in the world. The possibility is that America will be destroyed by hate, but a new country will arise that offers hope and love. I believe that the new country would be on the North American Continent because it is blessed - it is the promised land. Maybe it's in Mexico or somewhere in Central America. The idea of a new America gives me hope. I think of the Latin people because they are so loving and family oriented. 

I believe that Latino people came to America because of hope and the American Dream. If the ideals are brought to them, it will lift them out of poverty and they will prosper. The idea sounds exciting, I kind of wish it would happen. It makes me look at Latino people in a different light.

Per said Homeland Security bought millions of bullets. Obama said he would create a civilian army. If Obama wants to use those bullets in his army, it sounds like Obama wants to control people with fear. Before there might be civilian armies in America - and before anyone gets hurt - perhaps business owners could move their companies out of the U.S. I would want to move too. I would hope to have technology, butt not oppression. I say that if hateful people want to have the U.S., let them. I love my country and don't want to say this, but I won't live with hate and oppression, so I won't be here. I want to live in a loving place.