Horrible and Hilarious

Since I've been sick I have not been able to hold my bladder. I used to pride myself in the fact that I could drink more than one Diet Coke without having to use the ladies room. Sometimes I went an entire work day without visiting the latrine. Now when I have one Diet Coke I have to excuse myself.

Why is this subject taboo? We don't discuss body functions because they're gross and yet we all use bathrooms. When someone breaks wind or pee's their pants...it's funny. We all laugh, now we just do so in private.

I'm giving you permission to laugh at this story. I know you're not laughing at me but at the funny events. It's horrible but when you think about it but it's also hilarious.

Earlier in the evening I told Per that I had just one speed. In the past, sometimes I'd forget and think I'll hurry and do that. Then I'd try and fail. I told him that I could only go one speed - slow. I explained how it frustrated me for years because I had become used to doing things fast. I said how only time had helped me to cope with my "new normal."

Later that evening Per and I watched my favorite show (The Big Bang Theory). Several times he said that I reminded him of the main character and that I acted just like him. After the show, I stood up to go to bed. I asked Per to save everything from dinner because I had really enjoyed it. He said "OK Sheldon." (Sheldon is the main character’s name.) His comment made me stand there and laugh. I couldn't hold my bladder as I laughed or as I walked upstairs to the bathroom.

In the bathroom, I partially disrobed. I thought I'd leave the room and go to my bedroom before anyone noticed. As I entered the hallway, Per glanced at my face before walking into the kitchen. I walked down the hallway and had almost reached the stairs leading to my room when Andrew appeared from the basement.  Instead of going to my room I diverted into the office. I hoped Andrew didn't see me as I closed the door, turned on the light and sat down in a chair.

I heard Per tell Andrew to get something in the basement. After Andrew went downstairs Per opened the office door and said "hurry and go upstairs while he's gone." I looked at him as if to say "I can't hurry." We stared at each other then stood there laughing. Andrew came upstairs again,  he and Per went into the kitchen, and once again I closed the office door and sat down.

Andrew went downstairs for the final time and Per came into the office to tell me I could safely go to my room. He said "take as much time as you need." He offered to help me then, after doing a double-take, said "are you naked?!"

I felt overwhelmed by everything that had just happened. I felt angry that I couldn't control my bladder. I had laughed so hard with Per that when he asked me the question I started laughing again...then crying. I asked him to bring me some new clothes so I could walk out of the office feeling decent. He brought to me my pajamas and I dressed in the office. Then, he helped me walk upstairs to my room. I kept chuckling and he said "don't laugh until you get up there!"

Striving for the Best

I'm not gonna bash my church because I love it. I love the gospel principles and what I've been taught.

However, I will point out  behavior that is mean, unloving, unkind and wrong even when it's done by people within my church. I will call out anyone with bad behavior.  Yes, some people in my church have bad behavior. I will not look the other way and pretend they don't do wrong. If a person listens to my words,  even if they think they're mean (to me they're true,) perhaps they'll think she makes a point.  If my words cause them to change and become greater then what I said will have been helpful.

Perhaps it's true that the truth hurts. I can see that it hurts because it dents a person's ego. No one wants to be told they did something wrong. But, I wonder if people only want to hear good news. When should a person hear bad news? A wise person said that we can't be shaped without feeling a little heat. Perhaps the heat is the truth - and the truth can hurt. But, when a person changes for the better because of the truth, they benefit. 

Honesty and telling the truth, can hurt a person. But they can also help. Honesty and telling the truth are good things. Perhaps that's why "Thou shalt not lie" is one of the Ten Commandments.

When I'm dishonest I sacrifice my feelings to save another's. Unfortunately, I also hold them back. When I say nothing, my lack of words allows them to continue their bad behavior. The truth isn't brought into the light but swept under the rug. It's true that they get to choose to improve or not. At least my honesty takes me out of the picture and their choice is all on them.

I believe that people used to strive for the ideal and want to be their best selves. At some point, people stopped striving but instead ACTED like they still did. They became concerned with APPEARING to strive rather than striving. Others thought they did strive, but when they faced something that challenged them their true colors showed. 

Nowadays, it seems like a lot of people are their worst selves. They try to get away with things. They lie, cheat and steal. They are selfish. They think of their own welfare before that of someone else. They don't try to rise higher but want everyone to sink to where they are. 

If people have high ideals then people with low ideals make fun of them. The people with high ideals are labeled "goody-goody" and the people with low ideals think who do they think they are? The people with high ideals feel like they are swimming upstream and are a fish out of water. A lot of people with high ideals conform because they feel pressure from people with low ideals.

I believe that people with high ideals need to stand for what they believe. They also need to learn how not to hurt people's feelings. I think If they make a mistake, they need to repent (turn back to God) and ask God for forgiveness. If they hurt someone, if they try to right the wrong, that someone needs to forgive them and not hold their mistake over their head by bringing it up again or thinking less of them. 

I wish for people to have high ideals and strive to be their best selves.

Some people will disregard this post and think I'm being negative. It's not negative to point out the truth. I see the negative AND the positive - the good AND the bad. But I choose to be good. I choose the positive and happy because they give me a good feeling. I won't, however, ignorantly think the negative and bad don't exist. I won't sweep bad things away and pretend they don't happen because they do. I just won't participate in them.

Maybe some people wouldn't need to take Prozac if they just acknowledged the truth. They probably see the truth but numb their feelings because their family wouldn't like their honesty, or whatever. They should stand up against wrongness and choose to stand for the right. It will make them feel better and they won't be victims to dishonesty. If anything, at least other's will know they won't take part in sweeping the truth under the rug. They can do it. They are stronger than they think.

Everyone gets to choose how to behave. Some people choose to be mean. Some choose to be nice. Some choose to be mean but say they are nice - that is dishonest - they are really mean.

When someone doesn't say anything about a person's bad behavior because they never know when they will change, it doesn't help the person but leaves them out in the cold. That is not nice and is unloving. The loving thing to do would be to honestly tell the person about their bad behavior, have faith in them that they can change, and be their true friend.

The way a person reacts says something about THEM. I wonder, do they want to be loving and kind or mean and nasty?

I'll repeat what I said earlier. I wish for people to have high ideals and strive to be their best selves.

What Was Once Done Out Of Goodness Has Stopped

After I awoke, I rolled to my side and looked at my clean clothes on the floor. I wish I could hang them up but going from the bedroom to the closet and reaching to hang up each article of clothing is hard. A person who isn't sick wouldn't consider it a big deal to walk 30 steps to the closet while carrying their clothes, and then hang them up. I used to think of that as a little thing among the many things I had to do.

In just my room this is what I did: Opened the curtains daily and opened the blinds to let light in. Made my bed. Kept the floor clutter free and vacuumed. Maintained the clutter and put or threw things away when necessary. Wiped dust off the furniture, walls and lamp shapes as needed. Emptied the trash cans when they filled up. Picked up stuff on Per's side of the room. Washed the bathroom counter and sinks when they got dirty. Cleaned the toilet and shower. Vacuumed the bathroom floor.

Now, it good when I do one thing. It takes effort to walk even a few feet. My head feels dizzy when I stand. I don't have the balance to carry things and could fall. Reaching makes me feel tired. Bending over causes even more dizziness. My fine motor skills are clunky, for example: compare an adult and a child buttering bread and think of me as the child.

As I walk through my house, that I used to keep clean, I see all the things that need to be done. I think pick your battles and decide to lower my expectations.

I used to maintain my home and cook most of our meals. I wanted to do it. I still do, but I can't. It's crappy to realize I'll have to pay to have those things done but if I want them done I'd better get out my money. Non-sick people wouldn't dream of paying for a service they could do themselves. 

A person never knows when they will go from non-sick to sick. I pity the sick person who stays sick because people will help them for a while but then...they will stop. If the sick person wants a thing done, they will either have to pay for it or realize that it won't be. If something is paid for, the idea is sad because what is paid for was once done happily and for free.

I am grateful for my illness because it has taught me many things. Nevertheless, I wish I weren't sick and could do things myself. I'm the kind of person who likes to be in charge of my own destiny. I don't like to be dependent upon others. I was independent for years. Now I'm not. I remember when I could do things. 

I imagine this is how an old person feels. I'm young (43) but I feel like my illness has caused me to age 40 years. I won't allow myself to get depressed but I could be if I went there. I feel frustrated that people once helped me and now they don't. They don't do what I need when I need it most. I'm sad that I served people in my church but they won't serve me back. I gave everything I had to people but they won't give it back to me.

I want to scream "I'm a person with feelings" because I want certain people to acknowledge me. I want them to embrace me and be charitable because that's what they preach a person should be. I want them to do what they say otherwise I feel like they are temporary and fake. I want them to put their money where their mouth is and practice what they preach.

The church's policies are implemented based upon interpretation. No one is perfect except God and he doesn't live here. My church is run by imperfect people who I thought tried to do their best, and some do, but some don't. The ones that don't say helpful things, instead make people feel guilty or they offend people by their unkind acts and words. I can see why some people get offended and leave the church - because while the principles are perfect the people aren't.

A person thinks the healthcare system is fine - until they have a need and don't receive the care they expect. The same is true for my church. It's fine as long as a person is well. When that person has an ongoing need that doesn't get helped it causes them to feel confused, then hurt, then to want to broadcast the injustice to the world.

How will a problem ever be fixed when the person who discovers it is cast to the side and the problem is swept under the rug? The problem has to be faced otherwise it will remain a problem. 

The Only Thing Constant is Change

I just realized that the things I thought were appropriate seem to have changed. We used to not call or bother people after 9pm - now, it's 10pm. Actors didn't swear on tv - now, they do. Girls didn't call boys - now, they're forward. People insinuated - now, they come right out and say it. I never knew most people's views - now, I do.

I wish things would go back to the way they were, but they won't. Instead, I'll lament about the "good ol' days." I was innocent back then. I don't really want to go back to that time, it just occurs to me that I liked some of the ways things were. Times have changed but they aren't necessarily better -  they're just different. I'm not the young person now. Time caught up with me before I realized it. Now, another generation has grown up called "my kids”.

Every generation probably realized this. Girls stopped having escorts and the older generation said "it's not right." Rock-N-Roll was hated by parents but kids loved it. Girls didn't wear bras in the 70's and older people just shook their heads. I could go on and on. Count my beginning paragraph as part of this one.

I've become my parents. I'm a head shaker and someone who mumbles under their breath. The only thing I can say to this is "oh no!"

When to Serve

Is it only necessary to serve someone who appears needy? Is there a time limit set as to how long a person should be served? If a person has money and capacity should they be served or expected to be self-sufficient and take care of themselves?

Service means doing something for someone that they can't do for themselves. A person's station shouldn't matter, nor should the length of time, but whether or not they need help. 

When a person gives service it says how they are. When a person receives service their actions also dictate their character. They may feel humbled and show a grateful character. They may feel embarrassed and show an ungrateful character. If they don't receive service they may feel hurt and show a bitter character. Whatever they show says something about their character, not the other person. No matter what they show, if they have a need that they can't do for themselves they should be served.

In the story of the good Samaritan a man was beaten and left on the road for dead. Two people passed by him, looked at him, and did nothing. A Samaritan man saw and took care of him. He didn't know the man or if he had money. He just saw that the man needed help and helped him. 

He gave service and it said something about the kind of person he was.

When people refused to help me, it really hurt my feelings. My hurt caused anger, bitterness, and a desire to hurt back. Ultimately, I chose to show love and kindness because that's how "I" wanted to be. If I would have chosen to be something negative, it wouldn't have hurt them - it would have only hurt me. 

I felt angry (which is always a symptom of something else - I really felt hurt) but I didn't let the anger dictate my character. After feeling the negative emotions, I thought about it and chose how I wanted to be. I know now that the way I am doesn't mean that others are the same way. I thought it did. I assumed that if two people went to the same church then they believed the same things. I learned that is not true. People think differently and not everyone thinks the same.  I am the way I am because I choose to be.

When I give service, it doesn't say how the other person is, it says how I am. Am I the kind of person that when I see a need passes it by and says "I'm glad it's not me," or do I stop and do what I can?

People want to think of themselves as a good Samaritan, but if the service is too hard for them to do are they?

Common Sense or Political Correctness?

Society used to have a minority of people who didn't have common sense. Now the minority seems to be the majority. It appears that a lot of children were taught to see happy things like unicorns and rainbows instead of being taught that sometimes life is unhappy and unfair.

Common sense requires people to think rationally. I don't think that some people have that ability. Maybe that's why being politically correct is more popular than having common sense. 

Political correctness is something that everyone can have. Political correctness says "everyone can get an award because everyone is a winner." Common sense says "everyone who gets an award earned it but not everyone will get one."

Political correctness will never go away but it will create Wuses who cry when they think they aren't treated fairly. Political correctness causes people to treat each other better. Now, most people try to avoid saying things (sexist and racist) that might hurt someone else. I like that part of political correctness.

But, I like common sense too. It causes people to "suck it up because life's not fair." Common sense causes people to be tough. There's something to be said about boys not crying.

Can you imagine men crying when things don't go their way?  How can a man be a knight in shining armor, a protector, and gallant when he shows his weakness and cries? I don't want my man to cry. I want him to be brave and chivalrous. I want him to show me that he can defeat whatever he faces. I want to know that he's smart and willing to do the right thing.

I'm for people acknowledging their feelings (because everyone has them!) But, I'm also for people being tough. It seems like society thinks we should be one or the other - either politically correct or have common sense.

I think we should have both. People need to be nice but they also need to be tough.

Thinking "Make it Work"

I've always had the attitude to "make it work." This attitude applied at home, when I felt tired but my kids needed something. And at work, when I didn't know how to accomplish the thing someone wanted. 

A few weeks ago on Sunday, Andrew asked me if I was going to church. I should have said "No." I didn't plan to go. I knew I'd sleep in and I did. I awoke at 8:46.  In order to go out in public and be at church by 9:00am, I needed to flat iron my hair, put on makeup and get dressed.

I did my hair and makeup and just needed to get dressed. I tried to hurry since I didn't want to miss the sacrament. (After all, whats the point to attend sacrament meeting if I miss taking the sacrament?) I tried to put on my newly opened opaque hose but I kept  slipping off the bed and had to keep standing up and sitting down again. I tried to hurry but I felt myself getting hot. Then I looked at my shirt - it had cat hair all over it. I removed the hose from my legs and thought I'm not going. This is not how I want to arrive at church - a mess. I'd rather have time to get ready the way I wish.

I didn't go to church and wrote this instead.

I think the "make it work" attitude comes from the pioneers. They passed that attitude down to their children and it continued for generations.

I grew up hearing my mom say "make it work" and "do whatever it takes." The pioneers were tough, Mom was tough, and I was tough. Now, I don't want to be that way. I don't want to do things just to please others. I want to please God and I think He wants me to do things because I want to do them.

I realize that the "make it work" attitude causes me to participate in things I might have missed. However, I wonder if I participate because I want to or because of duty. When I do things because it's what I want, it comes from my heart. Does doing my duty come from my heart? When I honestly think about it, usually not. I want to do the things that come from my heart, therefore, I will make it work...when I want to...not when I'm compelled.

Thinking "I'll do it if I want to" is not how most people think. Most people do things to please others...even if they don't want to do it. I did that for many years. The person who had the most unhappiness was me. 

I refuse to be that way any more. Too bad if some people don't like it. My thoughts usually go against the grain. But...I think my thinking is right. I'm not taking the low road  but being authentic. I act one way, the same way in all situations. I don't act two ways, one way to please people and one way to please God.

Getting Over My Pain

Recently, some people said things to me that really hurt my feelings. I felt offended and wanted to hurt their feelings like they'd hurt mine. For weeks I struggled. I truly didn't know what to do. I wondered how I could go to church and see them when they made me mad.  

When I thought about what they said, again it opened my wound. I thought of their words as unkind and unfair. Although painful, I had to allow myself to feel anger before I could come to terms with the truth and decide how to be. Only then could I feel happy again.

It happened so long ago that I no longer wished to lament. I also didn't want to feel upset. I wanted to find a solution. One day, I realized that their actions were a reflection of them and my actions were a reflection of me. I decided to be loving and kind even if they weren't that way toward me.

I love my church but it's full of imperfect people including some to whom I don't relate. Some people are kind -- but some aren’t. 

The thing I know is that I can't control anyone else's thoughts, feelings and actions. All I can do is work on being the way I want to be.

That knowledge has helped me overcome my dilemma. Now, I can go to church and see the people who hurt me without feeling angry and bitter because I focus on how I want to be instead of their words.

Fake vs. Real

I don't like fake people.

When I say "I don't like," I mean "I don't relate." How can I relate to something I'm not? Perhaps fake people can pretend to like real people but actually -- they don't like them. They are just pretending to like them but truthfully -- they don't. A real person would rather know the truth. Real people don't like it when fake people try to spare their feelings because it usually ends up hurting their feelings.

I used to be fake. I did things to please others instead of myself and denied what I really wanted.

Perhaps people are fake because they haven't learned how to be real. They don't have their eyes open to reality. Maybe they don't like the reality they see and would rather see rainbows and unicorns. It could be that seeing reality is seeing the negative and seeing rainbows and unicorns is seeing the positive. If that's true then it's sad because a person will never improve.

Criticism may be perceived as negative but if a person changes, they turn the negative to positive when they become greater.

Usually, everyone will listen to someone. I listen to Per. Even when his honesty hurts me, I know that hurting me is not his intention. His intention is that he wants me to quit doing something wrong and start doing something better. He can see the forest more clearly because he isn't close to the trees like I am.

That thought reminds me of how God knows my full potential. He wants me to be real; genuine; how I am in my heart. Some of my experiences hurt but when I learn something it causes me to grow and experience a good thing. The idea reminds me of this part of the song Ocean in Me, "When I feel like just a teardrop in the rain, God sees the ocean in me." God sees the ocean in me but if I just see myself as a teardrop I will never allow myself to be what God knows I can become. If I stay fake and never become real I will never improve.

I Feel Grateful

"...for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith."  Ether 12:6

This scripture is so true. I felt angry (hurt) but read a book that helped me to have understanding. I wondered why people didn't care but when I went to church today more than one person said they loved me. I received a new VT companion and think we'll work well together. My new visiting teacher just visited me and left me feeling good.

God is blessing me with His tender mercy to let me know that He cares. 

I could have been angry back at the people who hurt me but who would that have affected? Me. Instead, I went to church, read a helpful book, and continued to have faith. Today God pours out blessings on me more than I can receive.

I think of the above scripture and the word that stands out is AFTER. He didn't bless me before I showed my faith and character. I showed Him how I wanted to be even when I'd been hurt. I didn't shrivel when faced with adversity (like the seeds on the rocks did when the sun beat down on them in the parable of the sower.) I complained and lamented but didn't let it defeat me. I was given the choice of how to react and chose to take the high road. As a result God blessed me.

I feel so grateful to know that He lives. He knows my heart and loves me.

I love the saying "when the student is ready the teacher appears." I have had this happen many times in my life. I'm like the pioneer who thinks about just taking one more step. Always striving for more and reaching a little higher. The pioneer's attitude inspires me and tells me "if I can do it then you can."

My gratitude doesn't express how I feel.

Positive and Negative

Kids tend to be positive and optimistic because they see life through rose colored glasses. They haven't had to face hard things that may bring realistic viewpoints (which are often seen as negative although they're not - they're just real).

Thinking of things in a positive way is a matter of choosing to think positively when faced with both the positive AND negative. Saying something negative (that might be true) doesn't make for a negative person. A person isn't negative unless they choose to be that way.

Hearing the negative is not fun to hear. Sometimes the truth hurts. But on the good side, hearing the truth could also make for a greater person.

I know that to become a greater person doesn't come without pain; unfortunately it hurts to have a chip taken off here and a chunk removed there. But, if DaVinci wouldn't have chiseled the marble, he wouldn't have made the beautiful David.

I like this quote: "I saw in myself a cottage, but God saw in me a mansion". To me, the essence of this quote is that God will mold me into the person I'm meant to become. (But the chiseling, tugging and pulling will hurt.) What I know is that I will endure God's molding and trust Him to make me beautiful because He will turn me into my potential.

Bryan's Engaged!

As of December 9th, Bryan and Kimbra are engaged! I'm so happy for them! Wow, her ring is gorgeous. I'd expect nothing less from Bryan; I've always known that he likes nice things.

Kimbra is so nice. I met her in July in Utah. She is coming here after Christmas and I look forward to getting to know her.

I just realized that I probably feel like Per's mom did when she met me! 

I'm excited for them to start their lives. (Sigh,) ah youth!

Speak Correctly

I've gotten into the habit of saying some slang words. I say "dis" for disrespect and "true that" for that's true. Why do I do this? I learned to speak correctly, why do I say some things wrong? Out of laziness I suppose. Maybe because everyone else does. Whatever the reason, I'm going to stop.

That's probably how language gets changed. People stop saying the correct word or phrase and use slang instead. Not me. If I say a slang word I will correct myself. I might not catch the slang I say. If I use an incorrect word, would you correct me, please?!

O Holy Night

Wow! I wish I could sing like her :) This song gives me the Christmas Spirit! I wanted to share it with you today.

Take a Stand!

I feel disturbed that people have resorted to tattling on other people.  A guy who dressed up in a Santa Suit reported non seat-belt wearing drivers to the police. Drivers didn’t suspect a thing. Maybe those drivers will suspect something when they get a ticket in the mail. Perhaps they will also suspect something when writing a check that uses their hard earned money. What’s the difference between the behavior of that Santa and the Stasi? Some people may think at least it didn’t happen to me. Sure, they think that now but it might happen to them in the future.

The Stasi  started over 70 years ago, they really existed! Look up "Stasi" on Wikipedia and read the part about infiltration. It’s disturbing, I know. That organization didn't end until almost 1990. They operated for over 20 years! Perhaps after reading about them some people say, “That won’t happen in America. We have freedom…and privacy.” The Stasi did some of their work in secret. To those people I say, “Go ahead and keep your head in the sand and think of happy Unicorns and Rainbows … Meanwhile, some people have bad behavior and do wrong things.”

Where are the people who stand up and say, “this is wrong”? Why won’t people listen to them? It seems like the only people I hear condemn bad behavior are certain newscasters. We need to put aside politics, like not listening to them because they are Republican or Democrat, and pay attention to history.  The phrase, “History is bound to repeat itself” seems relevant in this post. Even if that phrase became true (again,) after trying our best to prevent it, we could at least be counted among the people who stood for the right as opposed to being counted among the people who did nothing and said, “It is what it is.” No! I say, “stand up!”

I feel infuriated that our country is going downhill (in my opinion) and lawmakers in Washington, who say they want to change things, don’t seem to care. It appears that the people who notice wrong things are just average citizens. I watched the news and asked myself, “Are people in charge really that stupid? They are supposed to be smart. I wonder if they just acted smart to get elected.”

What’s wrong with America being feared by other countries? America used to go into other countries and kick their butts when they did wrong things to hurt us. Nowadays, it seems like America acts like a Woosie who says, “Let’s be nice and talk.” Some other countries act nice but really they secretly point their nuclear bombs at us. Instead of talking, I think we should let other countries know that we are serious and will defend ourselves if we need to.

Some countries are bad and everyone knows it. Why do they get good treatment and we continue to give them money when they hate us and want to kill us? I don’t want to see myself or any other person get hurt. Look at what happened on 9/11, many people died and got hurt. American's said, “We will not forget,” but just ten years later how quickly some people forgot.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Maybe I'm twisted, but I think this is funny:
http://sendables.jibjab.com/view/EOoQMnwiqAuePGSM

We Are All Pumpkins

We are all pumpkins. God lifts us up, takes us in, and washes all the dirt off of us. He opens us up, touches us deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves us a new smiling face and puts His light inside us to shine for the entire world to see.

Believe

I'm reading and doing the exercises in The Artist's Way and the 'Basic Principles' say that your creativity is between you and God; most people don't look at it that way, they don't want to put themselves in the same realm as God.

We have to put ourselves into God's realm in order to think we are worthy of his help. The Brother of Jared had to think highly enough of himself in order to see the finger of the Lord. Moses had to have thought the same way too.

People think far too low of themselves. In the Psalms, David said, "What is man, that thou art mindful of him?" I believe that God is aware of us and that He loves us. He is always there, and He shares His presence with us. Maybe it's we who won't allow ourselves to feel His presence.

We need to think higher of ourselves and believe that we deserve to have good things in our lives. We need to not just hope, but believe.

The Dryer Won't Work

Um, I don't think our dryer will work in this condition.

Per took it apart because it wouldn't work. He first thought that coins stopped the drum from turning. When he took it apart, he found a broken part and said "We're lucky it didn't short out the motor." He worked on it some more and determined that the motor is bad. He's gonna order a new motor and, voila! we'll have a working dryer.

I'm thankful that he's so handy. Do you know that in the 20+ years we've been married we've never needed someone to fix a repair? It's true.

UPDATE: We received a new motor this week. Per installed it on Saturday and now we have a functioning dryer. Thank you Per!

To Be or Wannabe

Sometimes the person who's rich doesn't flaunt their money - they just act normal - because being rich is just how they are. Alternatively, sometimes the person who doesn't have money acts rich because being rich is how they want to be; they really aren't rich but just pretending.

I believe that people need to be authentic/real and not pretend because pretending is fake. Also, I believe that if a person wants to be a certain way they need to believe they already ARE that way-that's not pretending; pretending is wishing and believing is being.

A person I know only says positive statements; they also don't like to hear negative things. In my mind, ignoring the negative doesn't mean that a person is positive. To me, when a person ignores the negative they pretend they were positive but they really aren't; if they were truly positive they'd be willing to hear negative things, too.

It's unrealistic to think that a person will never speak negatively. Strong-minded people don't let other people's statements affect what they think, and other people's thoughts don't change their opinion unless they allow it. People need to be willing to hear other opinions; they need to be willing to hear both negative and positive things while believing in their own thoughts.

My New Blog

I decided to move my blog here. I've taken The Lovgren Family blog long enough. I transferred all my thoughts here and will no longer update my other blog.

Also, some other blogs were created.
If you want to read about my family, click here.
If you want to read some of my writings, click here.
If you want to read about my family tree, click here.
If you want to know about my childhood memories, click here.
If you want to know how I feel about my religion, click here.

I know, six blogs! (I had to find some way to fill up my time instead of watching mind-numbing TV.) Now that I don't work, I asked myself, "What am I going to do?" I wanted to go to school but physically it wasn't possible...so that was out. The next thing I thought of was how much I liked writing...and blogging seemed perfect!

American Idol in January 2012

This is the first year that I will NOT watch American Idol. I just can't do it after last year. I'm disappointed that it's turned into a popularity contest instead of a singing contest. When Scotty won last year instead of Lauren I thought, Yep, he's more popular than she is! I'm so disappointed in how this show has turned out. Even James sang better than Scotty (in my opinion,) and he was a showman compared to Scotty who just stood there and didn't even try to work the stage.

No, I won't watch AI in January and probably won't watch it in the future either. It's become too commercial in my opinion. I don't like it and won't watch it. I guess that frees up an hour for me to watch some other reality show.

Boo...sad face.

My Situation Now

Even though I'm disabled, I'm only 42 and that's young! I've learned so many things and have changed (I think for the better) in so many ways. I have the rest of my life to live with correct thinking. That's way longer than I lived with incorrect thinking.

I may move slower and look worse but I have no pain! It's a matter of learning to live with my limitations and carry on with life. Yes, I need help but I'm not dead! I'm alive! I'm here! My reality is something that I need to accept.

My situation is something to be happy not sad about.

Being Your Child's Friend

Parenthood makes it all about your kid. Friendship makes it about you and your kid. If a parent wants a friend, they need to pick someone besides their kid.

The Environment

I was reading some Neal A. Maxwell quotes yesterday. He's a person I greatly admire. He basically said that we should take care of the earth and not abuse it. We should leave the earth beautiful for future generations, etc., etc. I thought I do care about the Environment but it makes me mad that now it's more than that. The idea now is that if you care about the environment, you also believe in climate change and a bunch of other stuff. I don't support that ideology. Politically speaking, that's liberal thinking.  I'm not a liberal but a conservative. Its too bad that these days caring about the environment means more than just caring about the environment. There are probably a lot of conservative people who think like me. They care about the environment but don't want to be forced to care. They probably also don't want to be forced to care about things in which they don't believe.

My Epiphany about Change

I had an epiphany today. It was that it's one thing to learn but quite another to change.

When I got sick I think that God in essence said "put you money where your mouth is." When I learned things I would think I want to do that. Perhaps God said "She said she wanted to change, now lets see if she will."

It's possible for people to change. If I can do it then certainly anyone can! It tells me that not only does God listen and hear but that he also waits and encourages me to be better than I am. It reminds me of these words by Cheri Call:

"When I feel like just a tear drop in the rain, God sees the ocean in me."

He wants to see if I will be obedient to his commands, but he won't make me change.

Don't Condemn

Love isn't condemning. When the sinner was brought before Jesus, he said "neither do I accuse thee." What love!

As I have gained more knowledge, I have felt less of a need to condemn the people who did me wrong. At some point we all do wrong. No one is perfect. Therefore, no one should be condemned. I'm thankful that HF doesn't condemn me. (Goodness knows that I do plenty of things wrong!) He just continues to love me.

I just realized that condemning is judging! Yet another thing I need to improve upon! Realizing my behavior is the first step to recovery, right?! Now that I realize I have this weakness, I can pray to HF and ask him to help me overcome it. I don't want to condemn people. My actions are a reflection of me. I want the things I do to reflect love, patience, and kindness.

My Trip to Utah and Change

I just came back from being in Utah for three weeks. This was my most challenging trip so far. I don't like going back to my hometown because I don't feel happy there and it reminds me of the past.

I guess I'm too honest and now one of my family members isn't talking to me. This bums me out. Another family member made me mad and caused me to distance myself from them. Drama isn't fun but I think that every family has it.

I realized while in Utah that people don't change unless compelled.

That's certainly true for me. I changed not because I freely chose it but because I was compelled. I've been compelled in a couple of ways.

First, by my husband. He honestly tells me how he feels, and like the adage says, "The truth hurts." After thinking about what he says, I change because I realize that he's right. He's my husband, I listen to him and don't think I have all the answers. I want to be the best person I can be; how can I be that unless he's honest with me and I change?

Second, by my illness. It 'forces' me to decide whether or not to change. My weaknesses are in my face and I have to look at them. I don't change unless forced or compelled because I like my life the way it is. I don't like the way some things are, but they're familiar and I am used to them. I say that I want things to change in my life but I also want the familiar; an oxymoron, and impossible. When I got sick I learned that I didn't like change, in fact, it occurred to me that most people didn't. (People deal with change but they don't like it.) After I got sick, I got frustrated with my 'new normal' and sometimes cried.

I chose to change after I got sick because I wanted to be an improved person. When someone tells me something honest that hurts, my first reaction is to not listen and to think they're mean. Plus, I want to defend myself and say why I did it. However, when someone is honest with me and either I realize they're right or I'm compelled, I think it's mean but I still change.

Most people don't want to hurt my feelings. They only want for me to do or think in a correct way. They have perspective and can see the trees because they're not in the forest. They can see what they think is best when I can't.

On a spiritual note, the only thing I can give to God is my will. He will not compel me, I have to make each choice myself. I don't feel that I'm strong enough to choose the higher path freely I only do so because I am compelled. It makes me sad to realize that I'm so weak, but it makes me happy to realize God's mercy. I change (for the better) and He accepts it.

The First Thing That Happened on My First Trip to Sweden

We went to Sweden six months after Per and I were married and right after we had moved from Orem, Utah to West Des Moines, Iowa. I had met a few people from Per’s family but was meeting the rest, for the first time, when we arrived at his house.

Just before we were about to get in the car, at 3:30 in the morning, and drive from West Des Moines to Kansas City, Per said “are you wearing that?” The airport in Kansas City was international and we had to fly from there instead of the airport by where we lived. I had gone shopping the night before and bought what the sales clerk had assured me looked cute. That’s what I was wearing when Per asked me the question. I didn’t know that the black leggings I had on were in fact tights and that my white underwear showed.

My shirt was a white rayon blouse that fell just below my hips. It had big black flowers, and a cute little ruffle that went around the bottom. No matter how nice the shirt was, it didn't make up for the fact that I had no pants on!

Per didn’t usually comment on my clothes. He may have thought things but he never said, and I never asked. It was unusual that he made a remark. He asked me the question and I was kind of offended. I knew how to buy clothes and I knew what I thought was cute. “Pfsh! Of course I’m wearing this!” I said. He didn’t say another word and we got in the car.

The outfit wasn’t what I usually wore. I wore things that were very traditional...and modest. It was the first time I was meeting Per’s family, and I wanted to look cute for them. Because of this, I had bought something new. The leggings and blouse were the “in” thing at the moment. The blouse was not the really long button up shirt of the 80’s and the pants were not stirrups, they were leggings. They went to the ankle and reminded me of something Madonna would wear. I was not trying to look like Madonna but look cute for Per's family.

Obviously the sales clerk wanted to make a sale and had told me what I wanted to hear. The fatal flaw was that I wore exactly what she said looked cute. She could have meant the blouse. However, that’s not what she said. She said “you" look cute. I interpreted her words to mean that “everything you have on is an outfit and it’s cute.” I had trusted her judgment and bought everything. When I had gotten home from shopping, Per was asleep. The first time he saw my clothes was that morning.

I didn’t realize my problem until we were in the sky. When I looked at my legs I could see through my pants. I mentioned it to Per and he looked at me with an expression that said I "told you so." I realized there was nothing I could do and looked at the seat in front of me like a deer looking in headlights.

Even though Kansas City was international, our plane stopped at another international airport (JFK in New York City) before flying to Stockholm.

Not only did we stop in New York City but we had to pick up our suitcases from the baggage claim and switch airlines - which meant switching terminals - which meant going outside. The problem I saw was that it was windy outside. I kept my arms to my sides as I walked so that my underwear wouldn’t show. We had no time to stop and open my suitcase. Our connection was tight and we had to hurry to make the flight. Per and our five year old son pulled all of our suitcases to the other terminal without any help from me. I was relieved when we boarded the plane and sat down.

As I sat in my seat, I looked at my legs again. Even though my shirt was longer when I sat, it was bunched up in my lap and I could clearly see my lack of pants. I wondered what I was going to do. Of course I decided to put some pants on when I could. I sat in my seat pondering how Per’s family would probably think that I was a country bumpkin when they saw me.

We got to Stockholm and Per’s home town was another four hours away. We grabbed our luggage from the baggage claim and quickly board another plane. Once again, we didn’t have any time to open my suitcase. At that point, we had been traveling for more than 24 hours and I didn’t care who saw what.

Per’s dad picked us up at the airport and didn't say a word about my pants. He just smiled and was happy to see me again. I let out a big sigh of relief when we got in the car. After Per shoved our luggage into the little trunk we took off toward his house.

When we pulled up, his brother and sister were waiting for us - and his sister’s boyfriend - and their little girl - and a neighbor lady that lived nearby - and his mom. “Come in, welcome” his mom said after she opened the front door. They hugged Per. His mom and the neighbor lady kissed him on the cheek then they gave me the same greeting and welcomed Bryan. Luckily, when we hugged, they couldn’t see my clothes.

I don’t know if anyone noticed that I wasn’t wearing pants. The next thing I did was open my suitcase, right there in the entryway, and grab the first pair of pants I saw.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Why don't we stand up and say something when someone does or says something stupid? People say dumb things and we just turn our heads and give an excuse for their bad behavior. They should be able to back up what they say with facts or say nothing at all.

If we question someone we run the risk of them or someone else saying "who do you think you are?" First of all, that question is a bullying tactict to get me to saying nothing. Second of all, I don't have to be "someone" in order to take a stand against something I think is stupid.

We've been bullied into submission and are afraid to say anything because we don't want to be labeled. We're nice people and others are mean when they say "who do you think you are?" Because that question causes us to express how we really feel only in the safety of our homes.

If we dare stand up in public we run the risk of getting smeared. Look at Joe the plumber. He questioned Obama when he was running for president. Joe was a guy with an opinion who asked a question. The media didn't like what he said and dug up all kinds of "dirt" to discredit him. We don't say things in public because we don't want to be treated like Joe.

The only people who don't get smeared by the media are people on reality TV. We think the things they say are shocking but really they are just honest. We wish we could be like those people and think they're "important." Really they are just people followed around by people with cameras. I think of The Real Housewives and, even though I think they could say things more nicely, have to give them credit for speaking their minds. (It's too bad that the show gives the impression that you have to have money in order to be honest.)

We don't have to be "someone" to express our opinion. We just need to be able to back up our opinions with facts. We need to stand up to bullies. They aren't the majority. They just aren't afraid to say things. You know what they say: "The squeeky wheel gets the grease."

We have free speech in America. It's a gift that we need not forget. If someone says something in another country, like China or Pakistan, they are beaten or put in prison. We are like people in other countries when we are intimidated and afraid to say what we think.

Thank goodness for the US Constitution. I'm grateful for the freedom we have. We need to say our opinions and express ourselves. We need to not be afraid to debate and discuss issues.

Obedient vs. Rebellious

I was obedient as a child. I was the "dutiful daughter" never wanting to dissapoint anyone and always wanting people to like me. I did what I was told because I didn't want to get into trouble. I was considered "mature for my age" and given the responsibility to take care of my siblings from the time I was eight. I was told to think of others before myself and to be an example. As a result I couldn't be a normal selfish kid. I considered my needs after others if at all and when I was a teen I compared myself to a cameleon who changed to be what I thought people wanted.

I didn't have my own identity and had low self esteem. I didn't think I was worthy to pray and wondered why God would want to hear from me. People told me all the time that I was too hard on myself. I became a perfectionist and it was very hard for me to let someone help me because I wondered why they would be so nice.

My sister was considered to be "rebellious". She would stand up to adults and tell them "No!" I always admired her and thought she was brave. Secretly, I wanted to be brave too. I don't think she was rebellious, she just didn't think the same way as adults and that's how she was labeled. She was nice but misunderstood. She had her own way of doing things but adults wanted to dictate her actions because she was a kid.

Back when we were growing up parents didn't ask their kids opinions they said "kids are to be seen and not heard". We didn't have an opinion and if we did adults said "I'll tell you what your opinion is" or "If I want your opinion I'll ask for it".

I think kids got offended even in the early days. We've all heard stories of people who left home or never talked to their parents again when they got older. They didn't talk about their feelings and we thought they were tough but they also had feelings.

We need to treat our kids with respect and not raise them like kids were raised in the olden days. We've evolved and acknowledge our feelings now. Kids have feelings too and if they are hurt they grow up to be angry adults.

We need to LOVE our kids and not label them. We need to have faith in them that they'll learn and our kids need to know that we believe in them. If we want our kids to have more than we did isn't this something we can give them?

Let them be kids, selfish, dreamers, etc. We need to realize we will always have more perspective than them because we are older.

Kids are going to hurt our feelings but they don't mean to it's just that they're kids and don't know any better. We know better so why take our feelings out on them? As someone with more perspective we need to suck it up and have faith in them instead of getting mad at them. They'll learn but it will take time.

Sometimes our kids don't want to listen to us instead they want to "do it myself". We might get offended and think "well then figure it out yourself!" We may feel justified but how will we feel when our kids grow up and never talk to us again because they feel like we weren't on their side? Some kids don't make good choices but does that mean we don't help them when we can? If kids can't go to their parents who can they go to? If kids feel like their parents will just get mad at them they will go to their friends. Their friends' advice will replace their parents' and do we want that?

Kids aren't dumb just because they are small. They are growing and isn't it our job to teach them to be responsible contributing adults? Our kids need to know we love them most of all and next they need to know we want to help them. Maybe instead of looking at it as Parent/Child we should look at it as More Perspective/Less Perspective. We are all kids it just that some of us have grown up.

Yes, I Can!

While talking to my son the other day, I indicated that I couldn't do anything without getting hot and tired. I told him how it made me sad to think that once I could do something that now I couldn't. He said "I'll bet you can do it. You'll just be slower but you should try." Well, I tried. And guess what? I did it! (Albeit slower.)

I CAN do things. That knowledge makes me feel like wanting to try.

I accept my disability in some ways. On the one hand I accept what I can do (e.g. Thinking, I wish I could do my hair better but I'm doing the best I can). And on the other hand I don't (e.g. I cry when I can't do things to the same degree of doing them before getting sick).

My perfectionism says, "Do all or do nothing" (e.g. the thought, if I can't do it well then I won't do it at all). My all or nothing thinking stops me from trying because (in my mind) I don't do it good enough. (All or nothing thinking goes back to my childhood of me trying to please people and do everything right.) I'm the kind of person who strives for excellence. I've learned that excellence doesn't mean being perfect but doing my best. (I can be excellent and imperfect at the same time when I do my best.) Not trying isn't doing my best but giving up. I need to to try even when I think that I can do better. (I need to realize that I'm doing the best I can, and if I'm not then I need to try harder.)

I love that President Hinckley said, "Do you best, plus a little more". He strove for excellence and I appreciate his counsel reminding me to do the same. My church teaches excellence. It teaches me that I can be more than I am and I work for it. I love the saying "Why hang with the turkeys when you can soar with the eagles?" That saying is really true and in essence says, "You can go further than you think, so try".

The stories of the pioneers are about excellence. They put one foot in front of the other when they thought they couldn't go on. They kept going when they wanted to give up. They thought, just get me over that mountain. It's inspirational. I think, if they could do it I can too. I don't accept that what I do is all that I can do. I thank my son for encouraging me to try to do what I considered impossible.

Respect

The thing that holds our society together is respect. We have different ways of solving problems but respecting each other allows us to be civil.

It seems like today respect and civility have flown out the door. People say things online they would never say in person. If you disagree with someone they call you names or try to bully you into thinking their way. Some people feel intimidated when they are called names or bullied and conform instead of standing up for what they believe. Most people don't like confrontation and will sacrifice their beliefs to keep the peace. Another thing is people are too busy to think about the fact that they are being bullied, they don't want to deal with it so what happens? The bully wins.

I used to be one of the busy people but my life slowed down a lot when I got sick and stopped working. I started noticing bullies because I wasn't living on auto-pilot. I wasn't just doing the same thing every week and became aware and conscious of things going on around me. I realized that when I was living on auto-pilot I was like a sheep or cattle being directed because I didn't want to deal with it.

I think that's what our government meant by saying something like "people are too stupid to make their own decisions so we do it for them". It's not that people are too stupid, it's that people are too busy and don't want to deal with things. They think "let someone else do it" then complain because it's not being done the way they would do it.

Others have made decisions that people don't like, but the same people who don't like it were complacant and too busy with their lives to stand up.

I think it's time to stand up and wake up! Do we really want to lose our respect for each other and take a giant step backward?

Be of Good Cheer

It's hard to "be of good cheer" when you have little or no hope.

I went to a doctor last year who said to me "there's nothing I can do." She said no medicine existed for the kind of MS I had. Then I never saw her again. She didn't ask me to schedule a follow-up appointment with her and I felt like she didn't care. For ten months I lived in a constant state a limbo. I called it that because I never knew if that day would be my last. I thought what's the use with my life, I'm just gonna die! I never wanted to kill myself but I had no hope for my future happiness.

Last month as I drove and listened to the radio (which I never do, because I hate commercials, I only listened to the radio because I wanted to listen to something and didn't know how to make the satellite radio work) a commercial came that said something like "If you have MS you might qualify for our clinical trial..." I thought oh my gosh! and turned up the volume to hear who would say this. I went directly home and looked the company up on the internet. I felt shocked to realize a medical group existed in the town next to mine that focused on treating people with MS! I wondered how I had never heard of them. I also wondered why none of my previous doctors had mentioned this group. I thought I've had MS for two years and could have used their help!

I knew I liked them when I watched their videos. I scheduled an appointment and went there in March. I had a barage of tests done including telling them my history, having three MRI's (brain, neck, and spine,) having a neurological evaluation, having a sleep study (including spending the night), having an eye study, and giving blood. I just went there again yesterday for a follow-up appointment and felt disappointed when I learned that my previous doctors hadn't sent them my records. I could feel my heart swell when I learned that my MRI's showed very few lesions in my brain. Furthermore, they showed no lesions on my neck or spine. The doctor said that my neurological eval, sleep and eye study were all fine. He said that the thing they checked for in my blood came back negative (which is good!) He only didn't give me a diagnosis because he wanted to wait until he had learned my history and had seen all of my MRI's.

My first doctor said he couldn't help me. My second doctor had a terrible bedside manner. He also indicated that I had a bad attitude. My third doctor forgot about me. This is my fourth doctor, let's hope it's my last!

The nurse gave me hope when he said he wasn't sure that I had the rare form of MS (PPMS.) He said that since I'd had symptoms that went away, it sounded like an attack. People who have PPMS don't have attacks. He said he wanted to review my previous tests and MRI's to make sure I had received the correct diagnosis.

I think a person's level of happiness is dependent upon the level of hope they have.

American Idol Season 10

I wasn't going to watch AI anymore because the judges all left (except Randy) and last year was boring (but it seems like every other year is boring). I'm pleasantly surprised by how much I like the new show and have been hooked since the season started. I watched out of curiosity, as probably most of America did, to see the new judges and I like them! Jennifer and Steven bring a freshness to the show that it needed.

There are so many things I like about the show like: less swearing and stupid people, Jennifer and Steven are performers and give good advice, the contenstants are good singers!, there was only one week before the judges cut the contestants down to 13 instead of eliminating two people each week until they got down to the top 10, no small stage after Hollywood...contestants perform on the big stage, the judges actually give good advice instead of "that was the worst song ever" or "you look really great", and it seems like the judges actually care.

It was touching when Jennifer broke down after she told Chris Medina he wasn't in the Top 24 (whose single I bought and the words are very touching). She said she didn't want to do this anymore, but did anyway and showed America the true professional she is. I have never been a fan of JLo's music although I like her as an actress but I have to say she's really gone up a few notches in my book. I loved it when they showed her new video (On The Floor) on one elimination show and bought the song on Itunes. I think her exposure on the show has let America know her as a person where we really didn't know her before.

Steven is so nice to the contestants, it's refreshing! He's like their dad and the way he treats them says a lot about him. I've never been a fan of Aerosmith or his singing but I sure do like him! His expressions and the things he says are so funny - and real! It was great when Stevie Wonder sang him happy birthday and they gave him a cake. I could tell he was really surprised!

Since Randy move over to the other side of the judges table he's been more real - but not mean. I like Randy but thought he was kind of a pushover in previous seasons. With Jennifer and Steven being new I could really see that he had been on the show for 10 seasons and was used to letting people down. Sometimes when he critiques contestants and Jennifer doesn't agree it reminds me of Simon and Paula. But with one important difference, Randy's critique doesn't tear the person down.

Ryan has grown on me too and I think it's great they give him props at the beginning of the show when they announce him (even though I fast forward to the singing!) He doesn't seem annoying - I don't know if that's because they have new writers or because Simon left. If I had to say one word about those guys it would be - NICE.

Now to the contestants...

My early likes are Pia, James and Casey. I love James even though I don't listen to his kind of music. He's a good singer and a good entertainer. I hope he makes it to the finals so that Steven Tyler sings with him. Pia is a downright good singer. And she looks great too! She reminds me of Rachel on Glee and I imagine her liking gold stars too. Casey is creative! He always surprises me.

Let me just say all the contestants are good singers! But being a good singer doesn't make a person a good performer. The people I mentioned have a star quality I can't describe but I'm not sure about the rest of them. It seems like the music industry changes so fast. One day people like someone, the next day they don't. It seems pretty cut-throat too. Maybe the way Simon was is an indication of that. Whether or not a person is nice they have to be able to handle the brutal honesty of the industry. This show reminds me that most people are nice until someone dashes their dreams.

Be a Good Person

Becoming corrupt is a choice between good and evil. Whatever a person chooses is a decision. Every decision has either rewards or consequences and some people's decisions affect me. I also choose to be a good or evil person. No matter what people do to me they can't dictate my heart and in my heart I choose to be good.

Everyone has Beliefs

If you believe something, it's impossible not to make a judgement.

However, Judgement and Judging are two different things. Judgement can be either positive or negative but Judging is only negative. When we make Good Judgements we are our higher self, we take the high road and are doing what's right. Making Good Judgements include being patient, kind, loving, etc. Judging includes thinking you're better than someone or you're more superior, etc.

It's okay to have an opinion about something but it's not okay to think negatively about someone. If you say "I don't believe in homosexuality" that's okay because you have a right to your oppinion but some might say "you're a homophobe" which isn't necessarily true. Just because you said you don't like homosexuality doesn't mean you don't like homosexual people. You said you didn't like the thing you didn't say you didn't like the person. Maybe youre are loving and accepting which are great qualities to have. Don't fall into the trap or be intimidated into thinking you're judging when you're not.

In this day and age people are afraid to say what they believe because someone will say "you're this or you're that". But what they say may not be true. Maybe you do judge people, but I believe we can always be our higher selves and learn to love people. Don't be afraid of what people say. Know where you stand and be willing to defend it. Most people don't know why they have the beliefs they do which can make them judgemental. It's okay to ask "do I believe that?" because when you know what you believe you can defend it. You're not questioning whether or not it's true, you're questioning whether or not you believe it. Sometimes the answer is Yes!

When someone says "you're this or that" they're judging. Maybe they should pull the beam out of their eye instead of trying to pull the mote out of yours. Maybe they should focus on their own faults and leave yours alone.

I'm not always my higher self and when I judge people I'm usually wrong. I'm trying to be loving and kind and that's all we can do is 'try' because we aren't perfect and can't 'be' all the time. People just want to be loved and accepted no matter what they do. We have a choice, either we can make good judgments and inspire people to be their higher selves, or we can judge which doesn't inspire anyone. Judging drags you down, it makes you untrusting and critical. Having Good Judgement is freeing. It allows you to be 'good' and you are good!

Bullies

It seems like when a person disagrees with someone else sometimes they use bulling or intimidation tactics to get the other person to conform to their point of view.

The Govenor of Wisconsin said he wanted to eliminate union government employees from being able to bargain for their benefits and he wanted to pay them less so he wouldn't have to lay them off. He said it would save the state lots of money and allow them to balance the budget because government union workers get paid a lot of money due to what the unions negotiate. The unions didn't want to make any changes or have their methods questioned so union workers protested, said mean things about the bill and the Govenor and called him names.

This guy at FedEx parked in-between two handicap spaces, which isn't a parking space, and he didn't have a handicap thing on his car. Then was really loud and obnoxious inside the store. I think he was loud and obnoxious so people wouldn't call him on his bad parking behavior. The other people in the room didn't say anything to him (including me). No one said "you parked in the wrong spot" or "you're talking too loud" even though I'm sure some people noticed. Some people acted friendly toward him but probably thought things like you're obnoxious or a jerk, I know I thought those things. Sometime people do things that are wrong then are loud so others won't point out their behavior. Others are civil and "nice" and let those with bad behavior slip by because they think it's rude to say something and it's not nice to point out when a person does something wrong. Guess what? This loud and obnoxious form of bullying usually works.

If a person stands up for something and someone doesn't like it sometimes the first thing they do is say things to discredit them. I see this happen in the media all the time. If the media doesn't like something a person says or does, they dig up all kinds of dirt from their past and broadcast it to the world. What's the difference between their behavior and that of a journalist who reports things in a trashy gossip newspaper? Just because a person works for credible media like The Wall Street Journal, New York Times, or CNN doesn't mean that what they say isn't gossip. It's another form of bullying.

People are always going to disagree but where is the respect?

The World Today

For the first time, yesterday I was genuinely scared when I watched the news. There is unrest in the middle east and it seems like a domino effect, when one country falls into revolution, another one follows, then the next, then the next....We've seen it happen in Tunisia and Egypt. Now Lybia is in an uproar and there are problems in Yemen, Bahrain, Syria...places I never thought about. Places where the people have been oppressed for a long time and they are sick of it. The world has known the people are oppressed, I remember years ago that Oprah was outraged about how Afgan women were treated, yet the behavior continued until we went to war. It's surreal to think there are places in the world where people live in huts and I live in a comfortable home. Let's face it if a country isn't "westernized" or is "third world" their people are treated badly and their leaders are barbaric. China, Africa, and the Middle East are perfect examples. Now the Middle East is in turmoil, whose to say it won't spread around the world.

We have our own problems in America too. Every time I see another country in trouble I think about how gas is $3.03 (which is outrageous!) and how prices are gonna go up even more. With the unrest in the Middle East, and since we get most of our oil from over there, gas is sure to go up and I will pay a lot more at the pump. If that happens, no not 'if' but 'when'. When that happens we will see a domino effect here, everything will be more expensive because most things are related to how much we pay for gas. If gas goes up it will be more expensive for everyone to drive, including truckers, and to offset costs companies will raise prices. Food will be more expensive, it all ready is. It will cost more to buy clothes. People will cut out buying 'excess' because all their money is going towards buying gas and as a result, when they don't buy stuff, things will be more expensive not cheaper. Companies will raise prices because no one is buying their stuff and pretty soon everything will be more expensive. It will be more expensive to fly because gas is more expensive and on and on and on.

Then I saw the report about Iran sending a ship through the Suez Canal into the Mediterranean Sea. This worried me for a few reasons. First, Iran has never done that before but it seems like they don't care and are going to do whatever they want. They didn't care that other countries didn't want them to have Nuclear energy and now they have it and can make a Nuclear bomb. They already hate 'infidels' (America) and with their defiance whose to say they won't make a Nuclear missle and fire it at us? Second, the Suez Canal is right next to Israel and Israel isn't too happy to see an Iranian ship so close to their country. Iran hates Israel too. Whose to say that Iran wouldn't do something against Israel? Israel is our ally, if they were attacked doesn't that mean we would come to their aid? If that happened we'd be in another war. Third, the Medeterranian Sea is close to Europe and one step closer to America. Iran is so volital and defiant, who knows what could happen? The whole thing stinks to high heaven.

To make matters worse there is unrest in Wisconsin and Indiana and who knows where else. Unions are pushing their weight around because someone stood up and said "I'm not gonna go with you" and they don't like it. They are used to people cowering because they are big and powerful. They aren't used to having someone stand up to them and they don't like it. I don't think it's fair that a union worker can decide not to show up at work, protest, and still get a paycheck. If a person working for a company did that they'd be fired. I don't like how people can not go to work and shut things down. Teachers didn't go to work and schools had to close. There is talk about unionizing the TSA. If they did that and the TSA workers went on strike airlines would be shut down. I don't like how when workers don't like something they don't go to work and try to force companies into meeting their demands. I care because I have two children in school and if their teachers agree with teachers in Wisconsin the same thing could happen in my state and that would suck. Even worse teachers could complain about the situation in Wisconsin to my kids and because my kids think their teachers know everything they would listen to them. Its another thing that stinks to high heaven.

My husband travels for a living and is in Germany right now. He's supposed to go to Japan in March and who knows where else the rest of the year. I told him after his Japan trip I didn't want him to go anywhere else internationally because there is too much unrest in the world right now. It's bad enough that he travels in the US. If something happened how would he get home? If he were somewhere else in the world and something happened it would be next to impossible for him to get home. Plus he isn't an American citizen, he's a registered alien and has a green card. If something were to happen when he's out of the country and the US closed its borders could he come home at all?

I know my ramblings are future speculations and a bunch of what if's but I guess I'd rather be safe than sorry. I'd rather look at the world realistically and what could happen than have on rose colored glasses and be in the dark. The world is in turmoil and will never go back to the way it was. We don't go back, we go forward. We have a new normal. And I don't like what I see coming.

We All Teach

When you get, give.
When you learn, teach.
-Maya Angelou

I love that quote especially "When you learn, teach". She says "at our best we are all teachers" but I've learned things from people being at their worst! I think we teach in everything we do.

It's Normal for Kids to 'Fly the Coop'

Next year Per and I will be "empty nesters". Andrew is a Junior in High School and will graduate in May next year to go to greener pastures at BYU in Provo then on to a mission and living the rest of his life away from home. Bryan is also a Junior but in college. He will graduate next year from BYU with a degree in Advertising and wants to live in France for a few years. He hasn't lived with us since he was 19 and is happy being on his own (even though we still pay for a couple of things for him).

I always wanted my boys to have their own lives. I didn't want them to be afraid to leave home and live with us when they are 40. I wanted and still want them to be independent and think for themselves. I know they will always love to come home and be pampered by mom even after they're married. I understand Per's mom more now that my boys are grown up and why she makes his favorite foods and babies him when she sees him. She does those things because she loves him and he will always be her son even though he has a wife that takes care of him. It's true "no one does it as good as mamma".

I have said several times to my husband "if you want me to mother you, you can forget it. Go live with your mom". Kids are torn because they want the comfort of home but they want to be themselves. I think they need to leave home and be themselves but once they leave they leave and from then on are welcome to come home for visits. Part of me wants my kids to never leave but I know that is selfish, so I'll just suck up my insecurity of being a childless mother and be a big girl. I get to follow my dreams now, and I don't want to because I like being a mom, but I must remember I'll always be a mom even when I'm pursuing my dreams.

I look at moms now and realize "I've been there". I have advice to offer them if they want to hear it but I won't force them to listen. I'm the kind of person that likes doing things myself and making my own decisions. Some moms learn from other people and I guess I did too -- from a distance. I didn't and still don't like to be told what to do because I trust in my abilities and believe I'm capable. Some moms don't trust themselves and like being told how to parent. They are also domineering and pass their insecurities and lack of trust in themselves onto their kids. I want to say to those moms "trust that you do know better because you do, and you have more experience than your kids. Your kids want a parent who knows whats right and can guide them. They'll never leave you even though they leave home, believe that. Be positive, your attitude will help your kids face life with confidence. You may feel insecure on the inside, but don't say it to your kids. It will just hurt them and they will feel insecure. You're doing a good job, but always strive to be better".

Motherhood has changed for me in that I'm no longer "doing". A mom once gave me advice and now I get to pass it on to younger generations.