Truth About Appearance

Yesterday, I read online my blog posts from 2009 and 2010 to see differences in me then and now. Video clips also got watched to see what struck me then. The Mormon Message: My New Body got watched (a clip not seen in years) and it reminded me that truly, the appearance of the body doesn't matter but that I have one. What matters is who I am not how I look.

I'm grateful for this reminder which solidifies accepting myself just the way I am. (That how I look doesn't matter, and that my qualities matter - not my looks.) My spirit is the essence of me. I am an eternal being, a child of God of infinite worth. The truth: my character makes me beautiful, not my looks.

If At First You Don’t Succeed…

“If at first you don’t succeed try, try again.”

"Get back on the horse when it bucks you off."

“Keep going.”

“Do it. Don’t quit.”

All we can do is try - try and hope for the best. The result might be good but it also might be bad, but we'll never know unless we get the courage to try. Whatever the result is, I believe it's always better to try. It's always better to have courage and be brave. It builds courage to face "it" head on and believe "I can handle the outcome, no matter what it is."

I'm Happy

Six months later my blog is still here and I am, too. I sit at my desk with my frizzy hair in a ponytail until the hair dryer straightens it, happy to once again update my blog. Focusing on what I love every day gets my brain working and is my heart. I’m happy to express myself once again through blog posts. Basically, I claim my spot and say, “I’m here today.”

Life offers a sense of freedom – to do whatever is wanted. Today is what I make it, and I'm going to make it great! For me, today includes putting things in their places, blow drying my hair, creating something helpful, and seeing much beauty. I’m thankful for the internet which keeps me in touch with friends and the world. Today, my heart is full.

Peaks and Valleys

My blog didn’t get updated for months in order to allow me to write and organize my book; knowing that both couldn’t be done. The book is finished, but editing never is! The book could be revised until I’m blue in the face, but my decision is to stop editing, determine it’s done, and know “it is what it is.”

'Peaks and Valleys' is my offering to the world, hoping that it will help someone. Never before has a book been written by me, but I felt very compelled to do it. So, here it is. The accomplishment makes me proud. Grammar is not my strength; to those whose strength it is, please forgive my errors. But I think the content is good and that’s what matters, right?!

A Book That Helped Me Immensely

Feelings Buried Alive Never Die by Karol K. Truman identifies the differences between feelings, thoughts and emotions. The book helped me to allow myself to feel peace. It says "It seems that part of us is crying out to be liberated from untold years of suppression and denial. What's more, this cry for liberation comes from every corner of the globe. The cry comes seeking relief from pain, hate, anger, fear, war, suffering, hurt, sickness, resentment, loneliness, depression, failure, misery, prejudice, guilt and many other undesirable conditions that afflict mankind today."

It's ironic that I (someone who loves words and expressing themselves) couldn't do that very thing. I remember not being able to identify my feelings beyond saying, "That's mean." I was very hard on myself and lots of mean things ran through my mind. I believed the words in my mind and beat myself up internally many times. My theory is that we allow mean thoughts in our minds because we want to be humble and not arrogant. But it's not arrogant to be kind, loving and nice to ourselves and others.

This book has a section that identifies positive words for every negative thing I might think. I'm so very grateful this book came into my life and helped me. I believe that everyone needs to read it, get in touch with their internal dialogue and allow themselves to feel peace.

Making Lemonade out of Lemons

I'm an extremely light sleeper - the slightest thing awakens me. Thanks to MS my night now includes insomnia - where I'm awake for two hours (at least) after getting awakened. Sometimes my body wakes me up and I lay in my bed thinking I'm not gonna get up because if I do then I'll wake up every day at this time. Sometimes a noise awakens me then my body tells me, "Get up." Again, I think I'm not gonna get up... (No matter what wakes me my thought is also, annoying!)

Last night a noise awoke me at 2:55, and I stayed awake until 5:15. During my awake time (after thinking annoying! and I'm not gonna get up...) my thoughts turned to my YW's lesson this month (I'm teaching in two weeks). While laying there completely awake, ideas ran through my mind about what to teach. By the time I went back asleep my entire lesson was planned.

It's super annoying to be awake for hours in the middle of the night. (My mind isn't blank when I'm awake but is full of thoughts.) At least this time while awake my thoughts got used and not wasted. I'm grateful I had a productive mind last night.

The Truth

"You can please some of the people some of the time , but you can't please all of the people all of the time"

I'm just me, and I'm an American. I believe a subtle trap is to be like everyone else - to be politically correct (not say things that could upset someone), to be fair (not be all I can be because someone else isn't) and to not care about money (but instead care more about what I do regardless of money).

The American way is freedom

• To climb the ladder, be all you can be and make as much money as possible.
• To strive for and get to the top and be rewarded with success.
• To live where you want, do what you want and be who you want.

It's NOT American to be politically correct
It's impossible to say things that don't offend someone because eventually it'll happen. Political Correctness is control - controlling someone to say nice things when the people who push political correctness sometimes don't say nice things themselves. The truth is that most people try to say nice things and not hurt people but sometimes they do, and if they don't try to be nice then it's their choice. Another truth is that it's a choice to be offended.

It's NOT American to try to please everyone
Everyone doesn't win (there's survival of the fittest and it's a common fact...if they get something they don't deserve, they know it.) The truth is that making everyone a winner just makes everyone weak - when someone loses then they try harder to hopefully win the next time. If they don't win and get offended it's their choice to be offended.

It's NOT American to think money is evil
Just because someone doesn't have it doesn't mean I shouldn't have it either. The truth is that everyone has the same ability to get what they want. If someone get's offended by someone else having what they don't it's their choice to be offended instead of doing their best to get it.

The Truth
When drama is stripped away all that's left is choice. Everything is a choice and the things I stated are things designed to bring America down, to not make America great and to make America like everyone else. I'm proud to be an American and I love my country - the land of the free and home of the brave.

I'm Back! and My Greatest Wish

I've missed writing my blog since I did it for six years, but want to change my focus from handling my trial to living my life. I took a break from my blog because I needed it, but now I'm back. With having MS, I feel better than before and want to just live my life, but what I notice is that a lot of people treat me like I'm incapable and different. It's true that I'm not a "normal" person (I don't do things fast but instead take my time) but can still do things and want to try.

My challenge now is facing the pre-conceived notions of people that see me as different than them. They may judge me and think they know who I am, but unless they find out...it's just an assumption. No matter how they are, I choose to be loving because that's how I am. Life is full of injustices but it's up to me to either focus on the unfairness or focus on being how I want.

I focus on being how I want and on living my life. One of the things I want to do is publish my book because I think it will really help people. My book now is different from the original one. It's called  Peaks and Valleys and is a true story about various peaks and valleys in my life. The book is hopeful throughout every chapter. I want to say a few things I've experienced as well as how no one stays permanently in the valley but eventually they climb the mountain, reach the summit and see the beautiful world. I say honest things that everyone thinks but few dare vocalize. I believe people will relate to my story because they, too, face hard things, but more than relating I want them to know they can overcome, be brave, and know they can do it. I love people and my greatest wish is their happiness.

Accepting What I Don't Like

There are two types of change:
1) Change that happens/doesn't happen depending on what I do or don't do.
2) Change that happens no matter what.

This post is about the first type of change. I need to take steps and do all I can to keep things the same or they'll change and be different. (Just because something's been the same way for many years doesn't mean it can't change; it takes very little to change if there's no resistance.) My statement is vague. "Of what does she speak?" can be said. My statement is vague because it applies to any situation that faces change.

Sometimes I don't want change but it happens right before my eyes because change was stronger than my resistance. I don't like change; I want most things to stay the same. (I like variety but I don't like change.) I may want something different but when too much changes I don't like it and want the old thing back, but usually it's too late because it already changed.

I'm not sure where this post is going. Sometimes I'm for evolution and sometimes I'm not. I believe in progress but I guess I don't like change when it affects me. Could it be that I don't like change because of fear of the unknown? Or perhaps could it be that I don't like change because I believe the change will bring it down and make it not good?

I'm on one side and they're on the other - I believe this and they believe that - we're at an impasse -  we don't agree - if I walk away from the argument, the other side wins - what to do. Sometimes all I can do is throw my hands up in the air and say, "It is what it is" and know someone else is in charge. When someone else is in charge the only thing I can do is support them (just like I'd want support if it was me). If it changes then the only thing to do is accept it, not be railroaded and move on.

Doing It Again and Again

There is something comforting in the word 'consistency'. The dictionary says this:

1. a degree of density, firmness, viscosity, etc. (The liquid has the consistency of cream.)

2. steadfast adherence to the same principles, course, form, etc. (There is consistency in his pattern of behavior.)

3. agreement, harmony, or compatibility, especially correspondence or uniformity among the parts of a complex thing. (consistency of colors throughout the house.)

4. the condition of cohering or holding together and retaining form; solidity or firmness.

 

When I think of 'consistency' I think of:

1. doing the same thing every time
2. the stars and how they're always in the same place in the sky

I'm a creature of habit and do the same things again and again (have the same morning routine, follow recipes, go to the same places, take the same ride). If I want to achieve a goal it doesn't help to do different things - follow one course until successful, right?!

Avoiding Subtle Traps

Control
What I want so much is to be heard and understood. I've learned that everyone hears and understands in their own way. When I am open to knowing about being heard and understood the way they hear and understand me it expands my mind. Everyone is free to be themselves and they don't have to do it my way. I truly believe a subtle trap is control.

Hiding
When first having MS symptoms I felt greatly exposed and wanted to hide. I felt ashamed about needing others to do for me what I couldn't (sweep my floor, make my bed, clean my house.) When others helped me I learned 1) it's humbling to me and 2) they show their love. I've had MS for a while so I'm used to having help. I ask myself, "If I never needed their help would I have seen their love?" I truly believe a subtle trap is wanting to hide - letting other's believe I don't need help when I do.

Dishonesty
It takes great courage and honesty to admit private and imperfect things (some people call them weaknesses.) Some things are swept under the rug and no one knows about them but who is affected by dishonesty? I am ... it's my character trait that says 'dishonest'. I've heard the statement "The truth hurts" and believe the statement is a subtle trap - dishonesty is what hurts ... the truth liberates.

Drama
Getting caught in drama is like being extremely close to the fire and not realizing being cooked. I find a great sense of relief by stepping away from the drama and remembering that it'll work out. Letting myself get worked up, worry, be angry or say something mean shows the kind of person I am. It's a subtle trap to keep me focused on unimportant things so I miss what's actually important.

All these things are subtle and I want to recognize subtle traps and avoid them.

Kindness Begins with Me

A person can never be too kind, I truly believe that. It's easy to be kind to a nice person, but it takes effort to be kind to some people. Some people are rude, unloving, mean or disrespectful but that's how they are ... I'm kind to everyone. Call me 'Pollyanna' - a girl who's always nice - but what's the alternative? Being mean to some people, no thank you! I want to develop my personality into the things I want to be ... and 'mean' isn't one of them. When I feel to be mean it takes self-control not to do it (behave the way my instinct tells me), but when I have self-control then later I have no regrets. I love the words to this song:

Kindness Begins with Me
I want to be kind to everyone
For that is right, you see.
So I say to myself, "Remember this:
Kindness begins with me."

McMaster, Clara W. "Kindness Begins with Me". 1969. Children' Songbook. 145.

Being Strong in Hard Times

As I've faced something hard the thing that's helped me most is being strong. I think it's better to suck it up and be brave than to stay sad and exclaim the unfairness. Life is unfair - but I'd rather lift by saying, "You can do it" and put a smile on my face than drag down by saying, "You're weak. You failed" and wearing a scowl.

I may not like the thing but it's up to me how to respond. A little optimism makes a world of difference. I make myself happy because I'd rather be happy than sad. I've had plenty of things happen to make me sad but I choose to be strong and not only survive but not get defeated.

My goal when facing something hard is to overcome it and once again just be myself. Like I've said before, "I'm not my trial" I'm me ... my trial doesn't define me, I do. I'm not a victim to the things in my life but determine where and who I am in spite of what happens to me.

My New Life

I will continue to update my blog just no post it on Facebook. Facebook was a way for me to reach out to my friends and stay connected to them. I'll still use Facebook but as everyone else does: just posting random things and updating my status here and there. My focus turns to finishing my book about trials and publishing it. After the success of that book, I'll have my books about the eagle, the crab, and the bird illustrated and published.

I look back to five years ago - when first getting sick - how uncomfortable being in the spotlight, calling myself a writer, accepting help, accepting kindness, being nice to myself, and many more things felt. I wanted all those things but just wished for them - not actually believed they'd happen. I  truly believe that I got frustrated often because my thinking was changing and it caused me to change. Now I'm comfortable with those things.

I'm at a crossroad again, staring at the blank canvas of my life - my new normal - and looking out at the open field while wondering where to go. This time I don't feel frustrated or scared, but like an 18 year old person who just graduated from high school and feels the excitement of making their life whatever they will. I go forward with faith and 45 years worth of experience to make my life something wonderful.

What Now?

Now that my trial no longer defines me I ask myself, "What Now?" I'm reminded of what Gandalf said to Bilbo in The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey. Gandalf said to Bilbo, "I'm looking for someone to share in an adventure". Bilbo, an upstanding hobbit who always followed rules and never went against the grain, said it wasn't him. Gandalf said, "It'll be good for you". Bilbo learned about the adventure and asked Gandalf if he could guarantee that he'd come back. (This is the line in the movie that stood out to me) Gandalf said, "No. And if you do you will not be the same".

I relate those words to my trial because it has changed me. I, like Bilbo, am back from my adventure and looking around ask, "Now that I'm back, what now?" I don't have frustrating things to lament about. I'm not surrounded by drama. I'm just a regular person doing regular things. "What now?" I ask myself. The answer is, "Slip back into obscurity and live my life".

I like to write and be the center of attention. I appreciate those who have supported, sustained, and lifted me when I was down. I've been a bird with a broken wing. I needed loving people in my life and I got them. But like a lighthouse light that keeps moving, the spotlight is off me and so I end my story. Good news: I'm still here and plugging away, just like you, at life.

Before and After Sinning

I love this journal entry
April 28, 2007

I’ve been thinking about where I’d be if I didn’t have Jesus Christ and the Holy Ghost and the gospel in my life. I’d be a vile person full of darkness and sin. I’d be imprisoned by my sins, bound by no self control. I’d be carnal and full of mischief.

I have weaknesses that would have spiraled out of control and consumed my life. I’d be a slave to my weaknesses today if it weren’t for the goodness and mercy of Jesus Christ - if it weren’t for the fact that I know I’m not vile – I’m a divine daughter of God with beauty and purity. I happen to be living in a fallen state, in a fallen world. I am susceptible to my weaknesses and sin and only one person can save me from myself – the Lord Jesus Christ – He is my master. I will follow him forever and he walks with me.

I am not and never will be free from sin in this lifetime. I try to live with purity and keep the commandments. I pray, read the scriptures, and live by faith and good works. But inevitably I will sin. I will again fall and give in to my weaknesses.

Before sinning
Something happens. It consumes me and my thoughts until I must give in. Amidst the darkness – a light – a fleeting thought. No. Stop. You mustn’t.

After sinning
I stop. I retreat. I hide. How could I give in? This is not my true nature. Time goes by. Guilt. Sorrow. Remorse. And then the thought, where would I be without God? I’d be stuck here! Oh God, help me. Save me. I am not vile. I give my life to thee. Save me from myself. Save me from this fallen state. Reflection.

“Awake! My soul. No longer droop in sin.”

“The Lord is my shepherd ~ I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures.
He leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul.
He leadeth me in the path of righteousness for his namesake!
Yea, though I walk thru the valley of the shadow of death
- I will fear no evil for thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies.
Thou anointest my head with oil, my cup runneth over!
Surely, goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord.
Forever.”

“Why should I put my trust in the arm of the flesh or make flesh my arm?
I know in whom I put my trust.
Oh Lord, wilt thou encircle me in the robes of thy righteousness?
Wilt thou remove the stumbling block from before me and place a stumbling block before my enemy?
Thou art my rock and my everlasting God.”

Sunlight. A new day. Peace.
A beckoning, “Come unto me.”
Warmth. Forgiveness. Love.

Resolve
“Let virtue garnish thy thoughts unceasingly. Then shall thy confidence wax strong in the presence of God.”
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.”

My thoughts
I experienced this today. This experience is very enlightening. First, my weakness didn’t consume me – it didn’t defeat me. I didn’t hide from God even though I felt ashamed and disappointed. Second, an interesting thought came into my mind as I reflected, “I’m not vile – I’m divine. I’m a daughter of God.” I’ve never had so much faith. I cannot write 1/10 of what I feel – the words escape me. But the Lord is my shepherd.

My Thankful Heart

Reading words from the old me
Yesterday, I read my journals from ten and five years ago. Reading my thoughts from those years brought back memories of how I was - what I thought, what I did, what others did and what people said to me. I see how the me today is so different from the me then.

My old thought patterns
My trial has been extremely hard and has pushed me to my limit, but I can look back after having read my words yesterday and see many good things. I used to be so unsure. I talked a lot about my weight. Several times I mentioned the hold food had on me. I had a negative voice in my mind that I believed. And I thought incorrectly about many things. Life is hard and over time those things became very pronounced on the inside even though I seemed to have much control over my life on the outside.

In some ways I seemed to have a charmed life, but in certain ways my inner self was crumbling. Many times perfectionism caused me to feel lonely and cry to myself in my bedroom. Several times my insecure mind got the best of me. On more than one occasion my incorrect thinking caused much turmoil and heartache.

My new thought patterns
Getting MS turned my world upside down and frustrated me immeasurably. To this day, and probably for the rest of my life, I will feel and see the effects of it. But as I look back over the years since getting sick I see many blessings including that I'm a lot more strong and sure outside and in, food and weight don't have a hold on me, I don't listen to the negative voice in my mind (when I got sick and for years the negative voice didn't exist), I'm less rigid, I'm much more loving, and I think correctly.

Thankful inside and out
Trials don't last forever. I'm thankful for the things that have improved me. In reading my words of yester years I read much anger but now I feel great peace. I'll never go back to the person I was. Even though I have a challenge, I see good things ahead. Not all of my road from then was rocky; many good experiences were also recorded. I'm thankful to look back but I'm more thankful to look ahead.

2nd Day in a Row, Baby!

Again I got up early, made my bed and did the dishes. (This time Per had already cleaned most of the dishes, but I washed the pots and did it nonetheless!) I remember hating to do dishes and if I had to do it every day I'd still hate it, but today I'm grateful that I had the energy to do it!

I look at being able to get up early, make my bed and do the dishes as a miracle. It's been six years since I had the desire or energy to do it! I never thought I'd say that I felt happy to clean, but you miss things once you can't do them. You know me, I'm a religious person, and I thank God for this gift!

Reflections on "How Great Shall Be Your Joy"

I've always heard the scripture about "how great shall be your joy" equated to missionary work. (Implying that if you spend all your life doing missionary work and only bring one soul to Heavenly Father how great shall be your joy. And if your joy is great with one soul imagine how great your joy will be if you bring many souls to Him.)

A few verses before the "how great shall be your joy" scripture the Lord says, "the worth of souls is great in the sight of God". I can see how every soul is great to God because every soul is his child. I relate to God in my small way - I'm a parent and each of my children is infinitely important to me, so I understand why he said that.

Last week I attended the temple and did work for someone else because I did work for myself 20 years ago. At home I thought about how I helped a soul get what they need to live in Heavenly Father's presence. It occurred to me that I've been endowed in the temple for 20 years and have helped many souls get what they need. The scripture about "how great shall be your joy" crossed my mind and made me realize that when I meet those souls in heaven it will indeed be joyous!

It's joyous to bring souls to the gospel and equally joyous to help them get what they need. I believe the "how great shall be your joy" scripture doesn't just apply to missionaries but it applies to everyone.

"How Great Shall Be Your Joy"
15 And if it so be that you should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father! 16 And now, if your joy will be great with one soul that you have brought unto me into the kingdom of my Father, how great will be your joy if you should bring many souls unto me! - D&C 18:15-16

Just Me

Being Jade (not Jade with MS) lets me say who I am: Patient, Kind, Loving, Merciful, Virtuous, Full of Faith, Hopeful, Charitable, Nice, Funny, Knowledgeable, Wise, Real, and Honest. I see the value of my story of the crab, that I'm just me.

The trial of having MS is hard, sometimes I wish for things I used to have, but if the Lord wants me to have this trial then I'll have it ... knowing that it's not forever; in eternity I'll be whole. The important thing in this life is to progress and improve; I can truly say that my trials make me do that. I may metaphorically kick and scream at first because I don't like it but after a while I get perspective and can see the good that came from it.

Let me not get distracted or derailed by my trial but remember that my goal is to become like my Father in Heaven. Polishing hurts as the dross is removed from me, but in the end it make's me brilliant and beautiful. I imagine me starting out as a rock and resulting in a diamond. The refining, chipping, and shaping are my trials and it helps me to remember the end result.