The Value of a Journal

1) I can record my thoughts and get them out of my head.

2) Reading what I wrote as well as considering the entire situation gives me perspective.

3) Writing it means I don't have to remember it.

4) It's like having a mute friend that let's me "talk" as much as I want.

5) I record history and things that are important to me.

6) Reading past entries causes me to learn from what I wrote. I forget current things quickly (as do most people.) When I read what I previously wrote I get to remember the thing that was important to me and learn from it again, and usually also learn other things. 

My journal helps me evolve and grow toward becoming what I want to be. When reading past entries I see patterns. Sometimes I see ways that I want to change. No matter what is going on around me, I can say honest things to my journal and never be ridiculed. There is no right or wrong way to journal, if the journal looks like a scrapbook then so what - the most important thing is that what's in there - written or otherwise - is something valued. I've included cards, notes, ticket stubs, flowers, drawings, and my words in my journals.

Some people are short and sweet; they record one sentence or maybe just one word to sum up their day. Some people are elaborate and write many words. Sometimes people record something they studied. Sometimes people do all the above. People's moods change every day: sometimes they feel like writing and sometimes they don't. Some people feel like their life is boring and they have nothing to say. Some people are private and don't want to record what they think because then the public may read it. Some people think, "No one, including me, wants to read my words." No matter what type of person someone is, there's value in journal writing.

A journal helps the person who wrote it, and when they move on to the next life a journal lets the reader know them. My Great Grandma Clark is dead but I have a few of her journals from the 1950's that tell me a lot about her. She wrote one line entries, and I give her credit because she wrote every day! I know what she valued by what she mentioned. I know what she did by what she recorded. I don't have to only rely on hearsay to know about her because I have her own words. My Grandma Gordon, who is also dead, never kept journals but I have a pocket book calendar that she probably had in her purse when she went on a trip in the 1970's. She made notes in it. Not only do I have what she said but I have her handwriting. A journal not only helps me but it will also help my posterity to know me for generations.

I don't write for future generations but for my own benefit. I've written journals since 1978 (when I was ten.) Now, the year is 2013 (35 years later) and I still and probably will always keep a journal. At times I've considered my journal "cheap therapy" as I've recorded my honest feelings and worked through hard things. There's no way I would have remembered a lot of things I recorded because so much time has gone by. It's fun to go back and read what I thought was important then. If I'd never kept a journal I'd tell myself that it's never too late to start.

God Cares

I sat in the yellow chair in my kitchen, feeling very sad and crying to my husband about the unfairness of something. All I could think to do was to pray to God in my mind and tell Him about all the things I didn't understand. My husband left the room, and I continued to feel sad. My thoughts took over and I didn't stay aware as I reflected. I don't know when the shift occurred, but I became aware that I was thinking of what I loved about God. To me, the miracle is that my attitude shifted and instead I felt happy.

Here are some of the things I thought about when I became aware: I love how God sees my potential. I love how He encourages me (often through others). I love how He gives me the courage to do what I consider impossible. I love how He forgives me every time I ask for forgiveness. I love how He cares about me. I love how He wants good for me.

Grown-up Make Believe

On Facebook, a friend posted an article written by a mom who lives in Utah County (Provo) about opting out as Supermom to instead be more real. Click here to read the article. She talked about how perfect the moms in Utah County seemed, as well as how clean their houses seemed, as well as how well-behaved their kids seemed, and as well as how everything they did seemed to come naturally. That sounds exactly like the former me - I was the Utah Valley Supermom...but I lived in Kansas. (A friend of mine even used to call me "Supermom.") Perhaps women from Utah are not fanatical about perfection, but I was. In high school, I made fun of Suzy Homemaker who got up at six AM and made freshly baked bread for her family, but I became like her in my own way as I attempted perfection in everything I did.

When I lived in Orem, Utah (which is a part of Utah Valley,) my friend said, "Jade, let him do it" when I moved my son's game piece. Many years later, I thought I was controlling, but perhaps I wanted to do it so that it seemed perfect. I agree with the author that it's better and a relief to be real - to just be yourself and to let your family be themselves, too, because real life isn't perfect, sometimes the house is messy, sometimes the kids wear mismatched clothes, and sometimes we eat ramen noodles for dinner. It takes a lot of courage to be "real" - to go against the grain when so many other people pretend. The author called pretending "grown-up make believe" and that is so true.

I didn't want to stand out and do something different; I wanted to be like everyone else. I wanted to be one of the millions who all did the same thing. And for years I did - I did what I thought was the typical but, according to the article I read, my pretending to be perfect was the extreme.

Haiku Poetry Attempts

My email has been receiving one haiku poem per day for years (from Tinywords.com). According to my research online, American haiku's are 10-14 syllables long, and it seems like they could be related to nature or a thought. Japanese haiku's have 17 syllables, with the format of 5-7-5, and are related to nature in some way. A haiku has two topics which relate to each other (are juxtaposed), and are short enough to say in one breath.

Today, I wrote my own haiku's and here are my attempts:

Sharp pencil

My words are

To the point

MS Diagnosis

I walk

Like I'm Drunk

Conformity

When in Rome

Do like the Romans

Birthday Ideas

My birthday is this month. In years past, when someone asked, "What do you want for your birthday?" I didn't know so I said, "World peace." They got me a gift, but since I never said what I wanted...I got whatever they gave. This year, I have thought about it and suggest that they give me something that relates to something I love. 

Here are some things that I love: Books. I love books that enrich my life or uplift me in some way. Music. I have a lot of music and I listen to something all the time. I love choral music, show tunes, and music that feels good to my soul. Movies. I'm a girlie-girl and love romantic comedies, but also I love science fiction/fantasy, and action. (I love drama's too, but have to stay away from them since I have MS because they make me cry.) All Jane Austen movies, Downton Abbey, Once Upon A Time, Star Wars, The Lord of the Rings, Terminator Salvation, Iron Man, Fast and Furious 5, Casino Royale, King Arthur, and The Bourne Identity are among my favorite movies. I do have some stipulations about movies: 1) It needs to be rated something lower than and not including R. 2) It needs to be appropriate; no nudity or steamy love scenes (consider me watching it with children.) 3) It needs to not depict the future in a sad, bleak way. (I didn't like War of the World, or The Matrix for that reason.) 4) No cartoons unless it's Disney, and no movies that patronize kids. (I didn't like Madagascar, The RV, or Cheaper by the Dozen, but I loved Mirror Mirror, Brave, and The Chronicles of Narnia.) I guess I have a lot of stipulations about movies since once an image is in my mind it's there forever. Maybe a gift card is best instead of a movie. Being creative.Decorating and beautiful things. Pictures. Family pics or pictures to hang on my wall, I love them all. Poetry. Nothing says something better than well-said words. Homey things that smell good. Looking my best.Writing/typing (expressing myself.)

Wow! That's quite a list, but I learned from a dear friend that if you don't say what you want, you have to settle for what you get...and that might be nothing. I love getting gifts that tell me that the person thought of me enough to give me something. Whenever I see or hear the gift I remember them.

My Personal Gethsemane

These words (from the song below) get me in my heart, 'My Lord Jesus, if you've got time to spend with me tonight then fly to me, Jesus fly.' When I feel sad, I think of something similar to, 'fly to me, Jesus fly.' In those quiet moments with just myself, when I'm in pain, I want Jesus to take my pain away.

God took away the pain I felt in my heart one time when I felt sad. (I cry because I truly love Him, and because I feel very grateful for what He did.) I consider myself the one sheep that the good shepherd left the other 99 sheep to find. A shepherd cares about every one of his sheep; if one got lost he would leave the flock to find it, and if it got wounded, he would care for and heal it. I was sad (wounded,) and God cared for me and healed my soul.

God loves every one of us-His children. Satan wants us to hate ourselves and to think we're not worthy of God's love; but we are. Satan lies to us, and tells us things that aren't true because he wants to hurt God by hurting us. Satan doesn't want us to feel good, he wants us to feel bad...so that he can control us with his lies, and so that we will believe him and be his. Truthfully, he just wants to win and to be better than God. Satan doesn't care about our fate; he couldn't care less if we burned in hell. God, on the other hand, cares about us, he wants to help us, and he cares about our eternal future. 

I believe that listening to God produces feelings of sureness, security, and confidence in believing that good things are deserved. Also, I believe that Satan whispers lies in my mind that cause me to feel unsure, insecure, and to only hope that desirable things are possible but not to believe that they're attainable. The good things (such as lessons learned, etc.) from suffering make my suffering (trials) worth it.

The first four paragraphs of the following song were written with the perspective of being in heaven and seeing Jesus suffer in Gethsemane.

Gethsemane

My Lord Jesus

Me in heaven, You on earth

You're in the garden

And Your heavy burden is growing worse 

I weep for You, Jesus

My poor Jesus

I'm so sorry to make You cry

But I'm far from like You

And all my sins, Lord, demand this price

I wish that I could come to You

And wipe away the blood

And then I'd bear Your cross, Lord

If I could

But I'm up here

And You're down there, Jesus

My poor Jesus

I'm so sorry to make You die

But, please, for me, Jesus

Die

Now Lord Jesus

You're in heaven and I'm on earth

Now it's my turn

And my little burden is getting worse

I weep for me, Jesus

Oh kind Jesus

I keep trying to win this fight

But I just can't change me

I need Your grace, Lord

Please provide

I wish that I could run to You

And all of this would end

If I could see Your face

Have You close again

But You're up there

And I'm down here, Oh Jesus

My Lord Jesus

If You've got time to spend with me tonight

Then fly to me, Jesus

Fly

I Celebrate Success

An untrue belief says that if someone else doesn't have something, not to celebrate it because it's "bragging." That's not true. That belief controls people's behavior. The truth is that people are free to celebrate what they have, and other people are free to either be happy for their success or be jealous because they have something that the other person doesn't. For example, one thought is that if I have a husband and they don't, don't say, "I'm grateful for my husband" because it rubs in the other person's face the fact that they don't have one. Another thought is that if I say "I'm grateful for my husband," the other person has the opportunity to be happy or jealous of me. If I lived according to the first thought, I could never celebrate what another person didn't have - we would always be equal - actually, I would be brought down from my success to their non-success.

A baby is good until they're born into this negative world. They may live negatively for many years; but once they're grown they can choose how to live. Everyone has the same opportunity to succeed, but the world's downward pull says, "Success is bad." It's a lie, success is good. A child's life may be bad, but their childhood doesn't dictate their future success.

I'm Proud to be an American

This song has been running through my mind since yesterday; it got to be the most patriotic song I've ever heard. Click here to hear it.  It's "I'm Proud to be an American" by Lee Greenwood. I love my country; the comfort that Americans expect, and the nice and helpful attitudes of most people.

I love traveling to places around the world. I enjoy seeing things and meeting people that are different than me. And I always enjoy coming home; having my things, knowing the culture, being familiar with the way people do things, and feeling happy to communicate in my language. Half of my family are from another country and I love them. 

I am an American and love my country. There are things in America that I don't like, but not enough to make me leave; I would never live anywhere else than America. I love my country. I'm proud to be an American.

I Love the Visiting Teaching Program in My Church

My visiting teaching companion and I just finished visiting our last sister (for August) yesterday. Yay us! High five! I love visiting teaching! (We don't usually go this late in the month, but this month all of our schedules worked out that way.) Yes, it's a chore to go, to work around schedules, and to walk up many stairs (my personal mountain :) But I love knowing them and hearing about their lives. I love that I have the opportunity to watch over them. I love that I get the chance to serve them. They bring richness to my life, and I'm glad that we're friends. My companion encourages me to bravely do things that, otherwise, I wouldn't. She tells me about her life and her family, and she is my friend. (We would help our sisters if they needed it, and I know that she would help me. I would do the same for her, and I hope she knows that she can count on me.)

My visiting teacher is a sweet lady. She comes over every month and not only visits but also helps me with whatever I need. She says, "I know that I don't have to, but I want to." I love that she visits me even though her companion never comes. She doesn't let that stop her, and I feel her love for me.

Funny story: she can't hear very well (she has hearing aids,) and I can't talk very well! (We are like the blind leading the blind!) Last month, sadly, she lost one of her hearing aids - so when she visited me she really couldn't hear what I said. After me saying the same thing four times and her not understanding me I said, "I'm done!" I meant I'm done saying the same thing, and I feel frustrated so I'm going to stop saying this. Well, she thought I meant I'm done with our visit. She said a quick prayer, apologized, and quickly left. My husband poked his head around the corner from the kitchen upstairs and said, "That was weird!" 

My poor visiting teacher! I should have called her and set the record straight, but I didn't. For a month she probably thought that I had wanted her to leave. I talked to her at church last Sunday and she said, "If my hearing bothers you, they can get you someone else...it won't hurt my feelings...really." I told her what I had meant, and that I didn't want a new visiting teacher. She came over yesterday, and happily the past is now in the past.

I love that the women in my church watch over each other. I know that no matter where I live in the world, when I tell my church that I'm there a visiting teacher will visit me. I don't want to be an island - alone in the world, I want to have friends and relate with people.

The Lord Blesses Me With More Than What I Ask

I truly believe that The Lord wanted to bless me five years ago, before I got sick, but I couldn't receive it so he gave me a trial to make me stronger. How could I feel His love when I couldn't say, "I love you" to myself? His perfect love would have crushed me because I couldn't bear it. I felt that others deserved his love, but in my heart I didn't feel that I myself was worthy to receive anything good. It is so sad to hear how badly I thought and felt, but it's true. I've learned so many things in the last five years! Even in my trial, He blesses me as much as He can.

Before getting sick, I had plans for myself. Unfortunately, my heart didn't truly believe that some of the things I planned would actually come true. I wished and hoped for them to come true, but in all honesty, my heart didn't believe that some things would ever happen. 

To me, the Bible story in Mark 9 relates to this topic so well. The father wished and hoped that his son would be well, but in all honesty, he didn't truly believe it would ever happen. He hoped for any kind of help to stop his son from harming himself, but didn't ever think that his son would be completely healed and free from the things that tormented him. He said to Jesus, "Help me." The Lord knew the father's heart. The Savior knew that the father hoped but that even his hope was not complete. Jesus said, "All things are possible to him that believeth." I love the thing the father said in reply. He said, "Lord I believe; help thou mine unbelief." The Savior didn't condemn him, He didn't chastise him and say, "I won't help you until you believe," No! Instead, He completely healed his son. Jesus Christ blessed the father...and more than the father hoped.

The Lord is good. I believe that he wants to bless me. I truly believe Him - in my heart. I trust Him completely, and I couldn't say that five years ago. He doesn't want me to have trials, or hard times, but it's through struggles that I learn. He doesn't teach me when I'm happy - he rejoices with me! He teaches me when I'm sad. If my trial isn't permanent and if I don't learn, then I get to experience the same trial again. I love that He blesses me as much as He can.

Finally, I Can Truly Acknowledge the Truth About My Illness

I moved on with my life (stopped focusing on my illness) because enough time went by with me living my new normal that it felt more 'normal' than my old normal. Before I moved on, I just wanted what I'd had. This is the first time that I've even wanted to candidly acknowledge the truth about my illness, and can do so without crying. I've acknowledged components of my character (how I'm strong, I won't give in, I can do it, etc.) but I've never positively acknowledged my illness. I've never been a support to anyone (I've felt that I needed support rather than that I could give it.) And, I can relate to anyone who is dealing with something hard; not just people with MS. I understand the pain, the disappointment, and the grief of dealing with adversity. Nothing challenges you more than a trial - I can truly attest to that. And, nothing will tell you, better than a trial, what your made of - I can attest to that too.

Life isn't always happiness and roses, sometimes life is hard. I truly believe, however, that my attitude determines whether my challenges are hard or easy. Looking on the bright side and counting my blessings helps me to see good things, too - not just bad things. I believe that hope allows me to live my life and to continue to progress, instead of just getting blindsided by challenges and never continuing to grow. Focusing on the hope of achieving another goal redirects my focus off of my challenge. My illness, although still there, isn't my main focus. (Say that a person with a challenge also has kids. When they focus on their kids, their focus isn't on their challenge, and over time their pain hurts less, they have better perspective, and can choose what to do with their life instead of just being railroaded by their challenge and doing nothing. Eventually, if they choose it, they move on.)

When I got MS, I had two choices: 1) Be defeated, or 2) Be strong. I lamented a lot about the past, and constantly wanted what I'd had. Also, I learned a lot about myself. (I wouldn't have learned about myself had I chosen defeat, because I would just have complained about my illness and never learned anything good.) My life isn't just my illness - there's more to my life than that - but I choose whether or not to let my illness consume my entire life. Of course, my illness will consume my life for a while, but eventually I will pick up the reins and be the one to drive my life, not my illness.

The Many Forms of Love

There are many kinds of love. When I feel love, I could mistake it for 'passionate love' when it's not. It's OK to feel love, and to know that I'm not necessarily 'in love.' I'm sure there are other kinds of love that didn't make it to this list, but these are the kinds of love that I can think of. (Way to go! if you think of another one.)

Kinds of Love

Passionate Love

Parental Love

Sibling Love

Friend Love

Brotherly Love

Love of God

Love of Country

Love of Family

Love for people with whom I work

Love for people with whom I have something in common

Love for people I teach

Love for people I serve

Love for people in general

I'd rather feel love than hate! Love seems to lift, and hate seems to drag down. Love brings together and hate divides. I love that my country's Pledge of Allegiance says "One nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all." Some people don't want to say, "under God" ...that's another discussion. The words I want to emphasize are One nation and Indivisible...Also, part of my country's name says, "United." I feel proud to be an American. I feel good when I think of the things I love, and my heart feels happy knowing that I'm a part of many wonderful things.

True Spirituality

True spirituality is a deeply personal thing. It's when a person puts their weaknesses on the altar before God and admits that they're a weak person by saying, "Help me." It's exposing and vulnerable. I wanted people to think that I was strong, and that I could handle any/all of my problems, but The Lord wanted me to do the opposite. He wanted me to be vulnerable, exposed, weak, and He wanted me to courageously say, "Help me" so that He could do it.

I know today that He wants to be the one to make me strong; to turn my weaknesses into strengths. He wants to partner with me to tackle my problems, so that I don't have to face them alone. But when I trust in my own strength and handle my problems myself, I put myself first and Him second. He wants to be first, but He won't force (compel) me to chose Him because He wants me to make the choice myself. What a loving act - to give me my freedom. His kindness shows because He doesn't use force. Nor does He use shame (force,) but only encouragement. He has faith in me and believes in my ability to make good decisions. He gives me courage that, to me says, "You can do it," and I love him for it.

I thank Him for believing in me. I thank Him for improving me, and I thank Him for seeing more in me than I could see myself. He always does the right thing and has no regrets.

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

What a beautiful song, and what beautiful words! Wow! I just listened to this and it touched my heart:

He Will Make a Masterpiece of Me

The Painter’s hand is firm and never falters

As He shapes the living portrait of my soul

There is wisdom in each line He smooths and alters

Where I see unfinished canvas, there the Painter sees the whole

Chorus:

He knows the strength that grows in shadow

When I’m reaching for the light

He sees the majesty and glory

beyond my mortal sight

And though I may not understand

The artistry of heaven’s plan

I will trust the Painter’s hand unceasingly

He will make a masterpiece of me

The Painter’s hand is gentle as He renders

Every stroke of living color patiently

In shades of darkest night or brightest splendor

He reveals His grand design, and shows me what I’m meant to be

(Repeat chorus)

And when I come before Him, kneeling at His feet

I marvel at His love for one so small and incomplete

Then His spirit whispers peace to me

Restores my soul and teaches me

The wonder of my provenance and worth

(Repeat chorus)

-Sally DeFord

She said that just before she put this song on her website, she read the following from a friend on Facebook; how fitting:

Imagine this: you just painted an absolutely beautiful painting. It’s exactly what you wanted, and you’re really proud of it! You absolutely love it, so you give it to someone special. The problem is that they constantly point out the flaws. There’s always something that just isn’t right. And they don’t hang it up, they just leave it on the ground, not really caring what happens to it. Imagine that Heavenly Father is the painter, and you are the person He gave this painting to. Keep in mind that it breaks Heavenly Father’s heart to hear you constantly criticize yourself, out loud and in your head… You are absolutely beautiful in His eyes.

Remember It or It's Forgotten

If history isn't remembered, it will be forgotten (and sometimes repeated.) I heard a statement that I think is true. It is that, "There are no new ideas just new people." Some things existed so long ago that not only do people forget, but they don't know that they even existed. Here are some things that I believe are in jeopardy of being forgotten:

The Stasi. East German police existed before the Berlin wall came down...and they were VERY strict! The wall came down over 20 years ago. Now I see things in America that remind me of them, like spying on people, and people getting in trouble for what they say. Americans claim "freedom" in America, but America isn't as free today as it was in years past. I wouldn't be surprised if something like The Stasi came to the American government.

The USSR. When the Berlin Wall came down in 1989, the USSR also ceased to exist. When the USSR existed, soviet countries were grouped together to form one big entity, like how the United States is one big entity made up of several states. (Imagine the USSR being made up of countries like how America is made up of states.) The Russians were feared and considered mean and tough by Americans. Some things made fun of Russians, but they were no laughing matter. Movies in the 80's like Stripes, Rocky 4, and Red Dawn depicted the Americans and the Russians (and the Americans always won.) Red Dawn was recently remade and depicted the North Koreans as bad guys, but in the original movie the bad guys were the Russians. The USSR may have dissolved, but Communism still exists today. If the USSR was so great, why do so many Russians live in America? We had freedom, they had oppression. We had freedom of religion, they had no religion-nothing that would take away people's loyalty from the government. The US govt. added "under God" to the Pledge of Allegiance in 1948 to combat the Godlessness of Comminism.

Dancers in the 40's. I watched an episode of "So You Think You Can Dance," and one couple had to do a Jazz routine to mimic people in the 1940's. The choreographer said, "The man should dance like Gene Kelly." The male dancer said, "I'm 19, I have never seen Gene Kelly." The choreographer should have also said, "And the woman should dance like Ginger Rogers" because the female dancer, danced like a 2013 not 1940's dancer. (At one point in their routine, I thought, 1940's dancers would never have done that...too risqué.) 1940's dancing will be forgotten if people don't remember it, and replaced with today's dancing. How Sad.

Christmas music 'sung back in the day.' Christmas music is redone every year by new artists. Songs are re-sung, even though they've already been re-sung. Call me a purist because I like the original renditions. New artists try to make the songs current, but I prefer Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Nat King Cole, and Dolly Parton over Bruce Springstein, Clay Aiken, James Taylor and Madonna. Some things will always be "classics" to me.

Society evolves but not always into something good. Sometimes the original thing is better.

A Note About Unfairness

Dear Friends,

(I call you my friends because I truly think of you as friends. I don't say it to convince myself to like you but because that's really how I feel...if I didn't think it, I wouldn't say it.)

I've been adding my blogs (since 2009) to my journal (after all a blog is a public online journal, right?) After reading some blogs from 2012, I wanted to explain the way I am.

I don't get blindsided by trials and dwell on them for a long time. When I think something's unfair, I think it's unfair for a day then say, "It is what it is" and continue living my life. I don't dwell on the unfair thing for days or months, or never let it go. Perhaps I lament wishing for something different, but I don't lament about the thing that's out of my control because I can't do anything to change it. The only thing I can do is determine how I react and what I do. 

Saying something's unfair isn't the same as complaining about a situation. When I say that something's unfair, I also say what I wish...so that it would be fair. Complaining about a situation is saying it's unfair...and that's it...no stating a solution, just complaining...how is just complaining helpful? I say, "Either state a solution (which may just be defending my beliefs, but, at least, it's doing something,) change it, or don't complain."

After reading some of my blogs in 2012 and knowing how I am today, I considered that perhaps some people thought, How can she speak about other things?...Isn't she still mad about the thing that happened to her last year? I got hurt and offended, and lamented in early 2012. After stating the thing that hurt me, I posted other things that were interesting because I carried on with my life. It took me a year to stop feeling hurt, but it only took me a day to realize "it is what it is" and know that I wouldn't let it affect my behavior. I decided how I wanted to be, and behaved that way.

I believe that by saying, "It is what it is," letting the thing go, and honestly stating the truth, it allowed me to accept the unfair thing that happened (accept that it happened) and be who I am. Unfair things happen to everyone; it's a fact of life. The important thing is how I responded. It took months for me to stop feeling hurt about the thing that happened to me, but by not dwelling on it, I learned from it. (I believe that we learn things even from crappy experiences.) I learned about forgiveness, judgement, and my behavior from a bad experience...how great for me!

An unfortunate thing happened to me but I got over it, and I still say what I think because I hope that my words help someone.

History Repeats Itself

Parents, PLEASE read what I said before and take it seriously. Kids, PLEASE listen to your conscience and do what's right. What I said before.

Life, Death, and Grieving

I existed before this life, and I will exist after; this life is not the only life in eternity. Granted, this life is important. Here, I receive a body, get married, have children, feel both good and bad, have experiences, and make choices. BUT, this life isn't my ONLY life.

My friend's husband recently died. She's grieving. I would never tell her to 'be happy' because she's sad. She needs friendship not judgment. No amount of anyone's happiness (including mine) will change her outlook, when her heart stops hurting long enough for her to even think of something other than her grief, then maybe she'll consider other things. 

My MS trial causes me to relate to her. I can relate to her because I know what it's like to grieve something that's gone; to grieve life being changed forever; and to grieve having to accept a 'new normal'. I know that grieving takes a while; I was sad for a long time, even years. I said, "This sucks!," and cried a lot. Only the passage of time caused my pain not to sting so bad. I didn't realize the reality of my attitude until when reading some of my early journal entries. Upon reading, I could hear sadness and frustration in my words, and could tell that I faced something hard. I don't know if it's possible for anyone not to be negative when initially facing adversity, but I do know that it's unrealistic and fake for anyone to force themselves to be happy when they're not. 

My friend needs time to grieve because she's facing something hard. I hope she won't grieve forever and never resume living her life. I hope that when the time is right, she will pull herself up by her metaphorical boot straps, and say, "Enough."  She had no control over stopping her hard thing from happening, but she does have control over her actions. Maybe it will ease her pain to hear a 'survivor' say that when their focus was on their ability (what they could control,) and not their trial, coping was easier.

Being sad forever, and never progressing in life isn't helpful in any way. It's of no help to replay, in my mind, memories that keep me sad. Life isn't fair. Not ever picking myself up, never moving on, staying depressed, or not ever progressing hurts me tremendously. I only have one life on earth, why would I choose to waste it being sad, angry, upset, depressed, or mad?

When I die, I don't want my loved ones who still live, to stop living their lives; I want them to live as if I had never died. In eternity, when we all look back at our earth lives, I hope we will see progression and have no regrets.

A Truth About Opposition

The adversary can only tempt, not force me. Perhaps this knowledge was obvious to some people but I had never thought about it. In considering it, I see how he uses bad feelings to keep me in his clutches. When I think bad things, I'm his. And when I think good things, he inflicts bad feelings until I think bad things, and am his once again. Thinking good things is not arrogant or prideful. How is telling myself 'I love you' prideful or arrogant? 

How convenient for the devil to say that he doesn't exist. When people believe that there's no hell, he wins. I'm good but he tries to convince me that I'm bad. He wants to bind me in the chains of my negative thoughts and drag me down to hell. Actually, he can only tempt, not force me, therefore, he can only whisper in my ear and make me feel bad. If I choose to believe his lies, I drag myself down to hell. I will choose to believe only the truth and think positive thoughts - even when I feel bad - and drag myself up to heaven.

Being religious isn't popular. In today's world a religious person is considered weak. Who instilled that idea?..Satan. He wants me to hate God and Jesus Christ, because he doesn't want me to choose them but to choose him. His fate has already been decided; and he lost. Lucifer (Satan, the devil, the enemy, the father of all lies) got kicked out of heaven; he and his followers were never born. He and his evil minions got sent to earth to cause me to choose good or evil, God or him, heaven or hell. I have the upper hand to him. I didn't get kicked out of heaven. I was born, but he's cunning. He knows me better than I know myself, because he remembers heaven and I don't. He knows that I was faithful and he wasn't. He whispers lies to me because he want me to believe him and take me away from God.

To some, this sounds unreal, because real is only what is seen. I disagree. Just because God, Jesus, and the Devil aren't seen doesn't mean that they don't exist. I realize that some people will think I'm just a religious kook who believes in a lie (They are the same kind of people who thought that Noah was a kook, even when the rain fell.) I don't really care if some people think I'm a kook. There will always be haters who only see the negative. I want to warn people not to fall into Satan's trap. I'm blatant. I say it like it is, and I'm not scared of the people who hate (bully.) People can choose to believe whatever they want.

When I choose the good and the positive, Satan doesn't like it. He's miserable and wants me to be miserable too. He is a liar, who may tell me what I want to hear, but he won't - absolutely won't - support me in the end. He whispers damning things in my ear, but I won't listen to him! I say, "I won't listen to you, Satan." 

Saying positive things but thinking negatively doesn't mean that I'm positive. (It means that I 'want' to be positive, but it's not necessarily true in my heart.) When I choose to think positively, my inside matches my  outside. I will think positive things - good things - not only say them. I will be authentic and avoid the enemy's trap.

Choosing Hope Not Sadness

When I feel bummed, I think "at least this." For example, I felt bummed that I can't speak well enough that my friend understands me...instead of feeling sad I thought, at least I can talk! Life isn't fair. I felt sad about many things today - things that if I focused on them, they would bum me out. I had to consciously choose to feel happy rather than sad today, and the 'at least' statement helped me do that. I counted my blessings; I thought about how at least it was this and not as bad as this.

I believe that the enemy wants me to be sad; he wants me to feel bummed. He doesn't want me to have hope, he wants me to say, "this sucks" and to see the worst. He's miserable and he wants me to be miserable too. I choose every day whether to get bummed or not. When I feel sad, I listen to good music, surround myself with good things, and think "at least."

A Few Memories of Gma and Gpa Gordon

I couldn't possibly mention ALL the memories I have of Gma and Gpa Gordon because there are simply too many. Here are a few interesting ones. When I think of them, I think of them at 320 N State St #10, Orem, UT 84057, the place that was "their house,"  not at the place where they lived just before they died.They lived in the trailer court - right on State Street  (between 2nd south and Center Street) - which had a lovely view of the mountains. It was the nicest trailer in the place. Perhaps other tenants considered them their grandparents too, because they were loving and watched out for everyone.

Their neighbor behind them, Kaye, was like family. They especially cared about her. She never married, and lived alone. Gpa mowed her lawn. Kaye, Gma, and I sang a trio in church once. We practiced the music several times at Kaye's house where she played our parts on her piano. For many years she taught English at Orem High (my high school) and also coached the cheerleaders. She came from Idaho. Her brother, Lynn, lived in a small trailer, on the other side of the road across from Gma and Gpa to the North. He had a cherry tree that produced the best bing cherries; big, juicy, and dark red-almost black.

I hated venison because I had only tasted gma's. It was bottled meat in a 1 qt jar. I thought everyone ate venison that way. I didn't like venison until I ate Monika's deer roast in Sweden - the most delicious roast I ever ate - not gamey at all.

Gma worked part-time (from 9-1) at the county assessor's office in Provo. She shared her job with her sister, Aileen. Many times after work she stopped somewhere and got a sandwich for Gpa's lunch.

They often called lunch "dinner" and dinner "supper".

I ate dinner/supper at their house countless times. When one piece of meat remained, Gpa would look at me and say, "Whomp that up."

Gpa called me his Little Miss America.

Family never rang the doorbell, but just walked into their house. Every time I came over one of them said, "There's my Jade honey." (I cry remembering how much they loved me.)

Gma taught me many camp songs like "I've been working on the railroad", "Hey, Look Me Over, Lend Me an Ear", "Side by Side", and "I stuck my head in a little skunks hole". Us kids sat in the back of Gpa's truck whenever we went somewhere and sang at the top of our lungs.

Gpa caught many trout in Provo River or at Strawberry Resevoir. Gma would fry up the fish after Gpa cleaned them. Their house smelled so good when Gma fried those filets.

Their house had two bedrooms, one on each end. In actuality, it was small. But everyone (their kids and grand-kids) gathered there. For me, the highlight of Christmas morning was at their house (when I saw everyone and we exchanged presents.) They had bbqs, birthday parties, and sleep overs there.

They were highly revered. Whenever someone new came into the family, they were taken to Gma and Gpa's and introduced.

I loved them.

Gpa, Lani, and Gma sitting in the big yard to watch me

1981. Lani, Jade, Mom, Gma, Kenneth, Maile

Gma and Mom in the 80's

Gpa and his Herculean trout

Little Jade and Gpa Gordon

Gma Gordon

Gpa Gordon (sitting in his spot: at the kitchen table by the window)

Gma Gordon, Jade, Mom (when Jade went to the temple for the first time)

Ken's (KJ's) First Bday
Kenneth John, Grandpa John Dean Gordon, Lani

Gma and Aileen at the county assessor's office

Grandma, Louise Clark Gordon

It Could Always Be Worse

Everyone experiences disappointment. In a hard situation, it could always be worse. 

- When I considered my trial, I thought, at least I'm not that guy.

- The person who has trouble walking might think, at least I have feet.

- The person with no feet might think, at least I have a body.

- The person with an imperfect body might think, at least I'm not paralyzed.

- The person who is paralyzed might think, at least I'm not dead.

I have a choice when I face something hard 1) see the good or 2) see the bad, be grateful or be angry, have a positive outlook (see the glass as half full) or have a negative outlook (see the glass as half empty.) My outlook determines my happiness.

This year marks five years that I've had MS. During that time, my disease hasn't gone away but has worsened. I could think of the awfulness of my reality, or I could think of the many good things that have resulted because of my illness. I'm not exempt from bad things happening to me. Yes, it sucks and I wouldn't choose it, but I have to admit that by looking on the bright side of my tragedy I have become improved.

I'm a religious person and believe that The Lord has strengthened me to endure my trial. I believe that He does what's best for each person in the eternal scheme of things. I wanted my life to be a certain way, but I'm willing to accept His way, knowing that He knows more than me and that He has my best interest in mind. 'I put my trust in Him,' so to speak.

The Lord has not removed my burden (much like he didn't remove Paul's 'thorn in his side',) but he has eased it in so many ways. For example, the negative voice in my mind is gone (it plagued me for years,) my family is closer, I learned correct thinking, and I learned the truth about some things. I'm grateful that many years ago the 'it could be worse' thought crossed my mind and caused me to consider the worse things which led me to feel grateful.

This life isn't fair, but how do I react to unfairness? I may have thought the worst and have seen only the negative at one time, but the thing I love is that I could change. It's amazing to think that a shift in my thinking led to many blessings. 

Sweden Vacation 2013

We had a lot of fun in Sweden. We were there July 3 (Wed PM) - July 11 (Thurs AM) and time flew! Here's a synopsis of what we did:

7/3 (Wed PM) - Per met us (Bryan, Kimbra, Andrew and me) at Arlanda airport (it's the first time we've traveled w/o Per-and the last time as far as I'm concerned: I feel more comfortable when he's there,) drove for 3 hours (from Stockholm to Väse) after already traveling for 16 hours, stopped in Kristinahamn to buy stuff & snacks at the store, met family at Lövås (Tore, Monika, Ann-Sofie, Sandra, Little Nils,) ate dinner, rested

7/4 (Thurs) - Went to a couple of stores in Karlstad (Willy's and Rusta,) ate Swedish pizza in Karlstad for lunch, celebrated the 4th of July at dinner where we ate Monika's yummy deer roast and mushroom sauce and a delicious American flag cake that Ann-Sofie made (sheet cake/cheesecake - haha!)

7/5 (Fri) - Day trip: Met Peter and Kerstin at their home (3 hours away) near Göteberg, met Per's friends (dinner at Torbjorn's house), (Erika and Torsten arrived from Gotland and Nils arrived from Göteberg)

7/6 (Sat) - Picked wild berries in the forest, celebrated birthdays at dinner (Tore 85, Monika 80, Nils 50, Me 45, and Andrew 20 this year) where we had a seafood feast including shrimp, red crawfish, and huge ocean crawfish from Göteberg

7/7 (Sun) - Looked at old things in the attic (Per looked at his China,) ate bbq steaks (horsemeat that the guys said was better than beef,) played Kubb at Lövås, posed for a family photo

7/8 (Mon) - (Erika and Torsten went back to Gotland,) ate dinner at a restaurant on the warf in Karlstad with Per's friends and spent the evening with them

7/9 (Tues) - Ate a smörgåsbord lunch

7/10 (Wed) - Left Lövås and drove to Stockholm, took pictures in Örebro, drove through the city of Stockholm (not the freeway) to avoid traffic and to find parking, walked in Stockholm for a second but left because we were hungry and cold, ate yummy Swedish pizza at a nice place after accidentally driving in the hood, checked into a nice hotel (Radisson) at Arlanda airport

7/11 (Thurs AM) - Per left early to fly on another airline, ate a delicious smörgåsbord breakfast, check out of our hotel, went on a bus to Arlanda airport

In my opinion, the second best thing about Sweden was the food (the best thing about Sweden was seeing a lot of the people I love.) Back to the food...everything we ate tasted yummy! From the chocolate to the water and in between, it all tasted great.

We stayed at Pirran's house (a smaller house by Lövås which we called her house although she didn't live there.) It was nice to have our own space. Bryan and Kimbra stayed upstairs where Per and I always stayed, and Per and I stayed downstairs where Bryan and Andrew always stayed. We swapped (and I didn't miss walking up and down the steep [and potentially slippery] stairs.)

Dinner at Ankdammen in Karlstad with Per's friends

Visiting at Peter and Kerstin's house

Peter, Kerstin, Kimbra, Bryan, Andrew, Jade, Per

Kimbra and Bryan

Andrew (and the best cheese doodles in the world!)

Per and Jade

Picking wild berries in the forest

The table is set for birthday celebrations at Lövås

Seafood Feast for birthday celebrations

Playing Kubb, a very fun game that originated on Gotland

Visiting between Kubb matches

Kimbra and Bryan

Lövgren Family
(Nils, Andrew, Per, Jade, Bryan, Erica, Ann-Sofie,
Monika, Tore,
Kimbra, Sandra, Nils, Torsten)

Smörgåsbord lunch

Smörgåsbord location

Lövås Gård (Gård=farm)

Lövås Gård sign

Per driving in Stockholm

Some buildings in Stockholm