We Are All Pumpkins

We are all pumpkins. God lifts us up, takes us in, and washes all the dirt off of us. He opens us up, touches us deep inside and scoops out all the yucky stuff-- including the seeds of doubt, hate, greed, etc. Then He carves us a new smiling face and puts His light inside us to shine for the entire world to see.

Believe

I'm reading and doing the exercises in The Artist's Way and the 'Basic Principles' say that your creativity is between you and God; most people don't look at it that way, they don't want to put themselves in the same realm as God.

We have to put ourselves into God's realm in order to think we are worthy of his help. The Brother of Jared had to think highly enough of himself in order to see the finger of the Lord. Moses had to have thought the same way too.

People think far too low of themselves. In the Psalms, David said, "What is man, that thou art mindful of him?" I believe that God is aware of us and that He loves us. He is always there, and He shares His presence with us. Maybe it's we who won't allow ourselves to feel His presence.

We need to think higher of ourselves and believe that we deserve to have good things in our lives. We need to not just hope, but believe.

The Dryer Won't Work

Um, I don't think our dryer will work in this condition.

Per took it apart because it wouldn't work. He first thought that coins stopped the drum from turning. When he took it apart, he found a broken part and said "We're lucky it didn't short out the motor." He worked on it some more and determined that the motor is bad. He's gonna order a new motor and, voila! we'll have a working dryer.

I'm thankful that he's so handy. Do you know that in the 20+ years we've been married we've never needed someone to fix a repair? It's true.

UPDATE: We received a new motor this week. Per installed it on Saturday and now we have a functioning dryer. Thank you Per!

To Be or Wannabe

Sometimes the person who's rich doesn't flaunt their money - they just act normal - because being rich is just how they are. Alternatively, sometimes the person who doesn't have money acts rich because being rich is how they want to be; they really aren't rich but just pretending.

I believe that people need to be authentic/real and not pretend because pretending is fake. Also, I believe that if a person wants to be a certain way they need to believe they already ARE that way-that's not pretending; pretending is wishing and believing is being.

A person I know only says positive statements; they also don't like to hear negative things. In my mind, ignoring the negative doesn't mean that a person is positive. To me, when a person ignores the negative they pretend they were positive but they really aren't; if they were truly positive they'd be willing to hear negative things, too.

It's unrealistic to think that a person will never speak negatively. Strong-minded people don't let other people's statements affect what they think, and other people's thoughts don't change their opinion unless they allow it. People need to be willing to hear other opinions; they need to be willing to hear both negative and positive things while believing in their own thoughts.

My New Blog

I decided to move my blog here. I've taken The Lovgren Family blog long enough. I transferred all my thoughts here and will no longer update my other blog.

Also, some other blogs were created.
If you want to read about my family, click here.
If you want to read some of my writings, click here.
If you want to read about my family tree, click here.
If you want to know about my childhood memories, click here.
If you want to know how I feel about my religion, click here.

I know, six blogs! (I had to find some way to fill up my time instead of watching mind-numbing TV.) Now that I don't work, I asked myself, "What am I going to do?" I wanted to go to school but physically it wasn't possible...so that was out. The next thing I thought of was how much I liked writing...and blogging seemed perfect!

American Idol in January 2012

This is the first year that I will NOT watch American Idol. I just can't do it after last year. I'm disappointed that it's turned into a popularity contest instead of a singing contest. When Scotty won last year instead of Lauren I thought, Yep, he's more popular than she is! I'm so disappointed in how this show has turned out. Even James sang better than Scotty (in my opinion,) and he was a showman compared to Scotty who just stood there and didn't even try to work the stage.

No, I won't watch AI in January and probably won't watch it in the future either. It's become too commercial in my opinion. I don't like it and won't watch it. I guess that frees up an hour for me to watch some other reality show.

Boo...sad face.

My Situation Now

Even though I'm disabled, I'm only 42 and that's young! I've learned so many things and have changed (I think for the better) in so many ways. I have the rest of my life to live with correct thinking. That's way longer than I lived with incorrect thinking.

I may move slower and look worse but I have no pain! It's a matter of learning to live with my limitations and carry on with life. Yes, I need help but I'm not dead! I'm alive! I'm here! My reality is something that I need to accept.

My situation is something to be happy not sad about.

Being Your Child's Friend

Parenthood makes it all about your kid. Friendship makes it about you and your kid. If a parent wants a friend, they need to pick someone besides their kid.

The Environment

I was reading some Neal A. Maxwell quotes yesterday. He's a person I greatly admire. He basically said that we should take care of the earth and not abuse it. We should leave the earth beautiful for future generations, etc., etc. I thought I do care about the Environment but it makes me mad that now it's more than that. The idea now is that if you care about the environment, you also believe in climate change and a bunch of other stuff. I don't support that ideology. Politically speaking, that's liberal thinking.  I'm not a liberal but a conservative. Its too bad that these days caring about the environment means more than just caring about the environment. There are probably a lot of conservative people who think like me. They care about the environment but don't want to be forced to care. They probably also don't want to be forced to care about things in which they don't believe.

My Epiphany about Change

I had an epiphany today. It was that it's one thing to learn but quite another to change.

When I got sick I think that God in essence said "put you money where your mouth is." When I learned things I would think I want to do that. Perhaps God said "She said she wanted to change, now lets see if she will."

It's possible for people to change. If I can do it then certainly anyone can! It tells me that not only does God listen and hear but that he also waits and encourages me to be better than I am. It reminds me of these words by Cheri Call:

"When I feel like just a tear drop in the rain, God sees the ocean in me."

He wants to see if I will be obedient to his commands, but he won't make me change.

Don't Condemn

Love isn't condemning. When the sinner was brought before Jesus, he said "neither do I accuse thee." What love!

As I have gained more knowledge, I have felt less of a need to condemn the people who did me wrong. At some point we all do wrong. No one is perfect. Therefore, no one should be condemned. I'm thankful that HF doesn't condemn me. (Goodness knows that I do plenty of things wrong!) He just continues to love me.

I just realized that condemning is judging! Yet another thing I need to improve upon! Realizing my behavior is the first step to recovery, right?! Now that I realize I have this weakness, I can pray to HF and ask him to help me overcome it. I don't want to condemn people. My actions are a reflection of me. I want the things I do to reflect love, patience, and kindness.

My Trip to Utah and Change

I just came back from being in Utah for three weeks. This was my most challenging trip so far. I don't like going back to my hometown because I don't feel happy there and it reminds me of the past.

I guess I'm too honest and now one of my family members isn't talking to me. This bums me out. Another family member made me mad and caused me to distance myself from them. Drama isn't fun but I think that every family has it.

I realized while in Utah that people don't change unless compelled.

That's certainly true for me. I changed not because I freely chose it but because I was compelled. I've been compelled in a couple of ways.

First, by my husband. He honestly tells me how he feels, and like the adage says, "The truth hurts." After thinking about what he says, I change because I realize that he's right. He's my husband, I listen to him and don't think I have all the answers. I want to be the best person I can be; how can I be that unless he's honest with me and I change?

Second, by my illness. It 'forces' me to decide whether or not to change. My weaknesses are in my face and I have to look at them. I don't change unless forced or compelled because I like my life the way it is. I don't like the way some things are, but they're familiar and I am used to them. I say that I want things to change in my life but I also want the familiar; an oxymoron, and impossible. When I got sick I learned that I didn't like change, in fact, it occurred to me that most people didn't. (People deal with change but they don't like it.) After I got sick, I got frustrated with my 'new normal' and sometimes cried.

I chose to change after I got sick because I wanted to be an improved person. When someone tells me something honest that hurts, my first reaction is to not listen and to think they're mean. Plus, I want to defend myself and say why I did it. However, when someone is honest with me and either I realize they're right or I'm compelled, I think it's mean but I still change.

Most people don't want to hurt my feelings. They only want for me to do or think in a correct way. They have perspective and can see the trees because they're not in the forest. They can see what they think is best when I can't.

On a spiritual note, the only thing I can give to God is my will. He will not compel me, I have to make each choice myself. I don't feel that I'm strong enough to choose the higher path freely I only do so because I am compelled. It makes me sad to realize that I'm so weak, but it makes me happy to realize God's mercy. I change (for the better) and He accepts it.

The First Thing That Happened on My First Trip to Sweden

We went to Sweden six months after Per and I were married and right after we had moved from Orem, Utah to West Des Moines, Iowa. I had met a few people from Per’s family but was meeting the rest, for the first time, when we arrived at his house.

Just before we were about to get in the car, at 3:30 in the morning, and drive from West Des Moines to Kansas City, Per said “are you wearing that?” The airport in Kansas City was international and we had to fly from there instead of the airport by where we lived. I had gone shopping the night before and bought what the sales clerk had assured me looked cute. That’s what I was wearing when Per asked me the question. I didn’t know that the black leggings I had on were in fact tights and that my white underwear showed.

My shirt was a white rayon blouse that fell just below my hips. It had big black flowers, and a cute little ruffle that went around the bottom. No matter how nice the shirt was, it didn't make up for the fact that I had no pants on!

Per didn’t usually comment on my clothes. He may have thought things but he never said, and I never asked. It was unusual that he made a remark. He asked me the question and I was kind of offended. I knew how to buy clothes and I knew what I thought was cute. “Pfsh! Of course I’m wearing this!” I said. He didn’t say another word and we got in the car.

The outfit wasn’t what I usually wore. I wore things that were very traditional...and modest. It was the first time I was meeting Per’s family, and I wanted to look cute for them. Because of this, I had bought something new. The leggings and blouse were the “in” thing at the moment. The blouse was not the really long button up shirt of the 80’s and the pants were not stirrups, they were leggings. They went to the ankle and reminded me of something Madonna would wear. I was not trying to look like Madonna but look cute for Per's family.

Obviously the sales clerk wanted to make a sale and had told me what I wanted to hear. The fatal flaw was that I wore exactly what she said looked cute. She could have meant the blouse. However, that’s not what she said. She said “you" look cute. I interpreted her words to mean that “everything you have on is an outfit and it’s cute.” I had trusted her judgment and bought everything. When I had gotten home from shopping, Per was asleep. The first time he saw my clothes was that morning.

I didn’t realize my problem until we were in the sky. When I looked at my legs I could see through my pants. I mentioned it to Per and he looked at me with an expression that said I "told you so." I realized there was nothing I could do and looked at the seat in front of me like a deer looking in headlights.

Even though Kansas City was international, our plane stopped at another international airport (JFK in New York City) before flying to Stockholm.

Not only did we stop in New York City but we had to pick up our suitcases from the baggage claim and switch airlines - which meant switching terminals - which meant going outside. The problem I saw was that it was windy outside. I kept my arms to my sides as I walked so that my underwear wouldn’t show. We had no time to stop and open my suitcase. Our connection was tight and we had to hurry to make the flight. Per and our five year old son pulled all of our suitcases to the other terminal without any help from me. I was relieved when we boarded the plane and sat down.

As I sat in my seat, I looked at my legs again. Even though my shirt was longer when I sat, it was bunched up in my lap and I could clearly see my lack of pants. I wondered what I was going to do. Of course I decided to put some pants on when I could. I sat in my seat pondering how Per’s family would probably think that I was a country bumpkin when they saw me.

We got to Stockholm and Per’s home town was another four hours away. We grabbed our luggage from the baggage claim and quickly board another plane. Once again, we didn’t have any time to open my suitcase. At that point, we had been traveling for more than 24 hours and I didn’t care who saw what.

Per’s dad picked us up at the airport and didn't say a word about my pants. He just smiled and was happy to see me again. I let out a big sigh of relief when we got in the car. After Per shoved our luggage into the little trunk we took off toward his house.

When we pulled up, his brother and sister were waiting for us - and his sister’s boyfriend - and their little girl - and a neighbor lady that lived nearby - and his mom. “Come in, welcome” his mom said after she opened the front door. They hugged Per. His mom and the neighbor lady kissed him on the cheek then they gave me the same greeting and welcomed Bryan. Luckily, when we hugged, they couldn’t see my clothes.

I don’t know if anyone noticed that I wasn’t wearing pants. The next thing I did was open my suitcase, right there in the entryway, and grab the first pair of pants I saw.

Who Do You Think You Are?

Why don't we stand up and say something when someone does or says something stupid? People say dumb things and we just turn our heads and give an excuse for their bad behavior. They should be able to back up what they say with facts or say nothing at all.

If we question someone we run the risk of them or someone else saying "who do you think you are?" First of all, that question is a bullying tactict to get me to saying nothing. Second of all, I don't have to be "someone" in order to take a stand against something I think is stupid.

We've been bullied into submission and are afraid to say anything because we don't want to be labeled. We're nice people and others are mean when they say "who do you think you are?" Because that question causes us to express how we really feel only in the safety of our homes.

If we dare stand up in public we run the risk of getting smeared. Look at Joe the plumber. He questioned Obama when he was running for president. Joe was a guy with an opinion who asked a question. The media didn't like what he said and dug up all kinds of "dirt" to discredit him. We don't say things in public because we don't want to be treated like Joe.

The only people who don't get smeared by the media are people on reality TV. We think the things they say are shocking but really they are just honest. We wish we could be like those people and think they're "important." Really they are just people followed around by people with cameras. I think of The Real Housewives and, even though I think they could say things more nicely, have to give them credit for speaking their minds. (It's too bad that the show gives the impression that you have to have money in order to be honest.)

We don't have to be "someone" to express our opinion. We just need to be able to back up our opinions with facts. We need to stand up to bullies. They aren't the majority. They just aren't afraid to say things. You know what they say: "The squeeky wheel gets the grease."

We have free speech in America. It's a gift that we need not forget. If someone says something in another country, like China or Pakistan, they are beaten or put in prison. We are like people in other countries when we are intimidated and afraid to say what we think.

Thank goodness for the US Constitution. I'm grateful for the freedom we have. We need to say our opinions and express ourselves. We need to not be afraid to debate and discuss issues.

Obedient vs. Rebellious

I was obedient as a child. I was the "dutiful daughter" never wanting to dissapoint anyone and always wanting people to like me. I did what I was told because I didn't want to get into trouble. I was considered "mature for my age" and given the responsibility to take care of my siblings from the time I was eight. I was told to think of others before myself and to be an example. As a result I couldn't be a normal selfish kid. I considered my needs after others if at all and when I was a teen I compared myself to a cameleon who changed to be what I thought people wanted.

I didn't have my own identity and had low self esteem. I didn't think I was worthy to pray and wondered why God would want to hear from me. People told me all the time that I was too hard on myself. I became a perfectionist and it was very hard for me to let someone help me because I wondered why they would be so nice.

My sister was considered to be "rebellious". She would stand up to adults and tell them "No!" I always admired her and thought she was brave. Secretly, I wanted to be brave too. I don't think she was rebellious, she just didn't think the same way as adults and that's how she was labeled. She was nice but misunderstood. She had her own way of doing things but adults wanted to dictate her actions because she was a kid.

Back when we were growing up parents didn't ask their kids opinions they said "kids are to be seen and not heard". We didn't have an opinion and if we did adults said "I'll tell you what your opinion is" or "If I want your opinion I'll ask for it".

I think kids got offended even in the early days. We've all heard stories of people who left home or never talked to their parents again when they got older. They didn't talk about their feelings and we thought they were tough but they also had feelings.

We need to treat our kids with respect and not raise them like kids were raised in the olden days. We've evolved and acknowledge our feelings now. Kids have feelings too and if they are hurt they grow up to be angry adults.

We need to LOVE our kids and not label them. We need to have faith in them that they'll learn and our kids need to know that we believe in them. If we want our kids to have more than we did isn't this something we can give them?

Let them be kids, selfish, dreamers, etc. We need to realize we will always have more perspective than them because we are older.

Kids are going to hurt our feelings but they don't mean to it's just that they're kids and don't know any better. We know better so why take our feelings out on them? As someone with more perspective we need to suck it up and have faith in them instead of getting mad at them. They'll learn but it will take time.

Sometimes our kids don't want to listen to us instead they want to "do it myself". We might get offended and think "well then figure it out yourself!" We may feel justified but how will we feel when our kids grow up and never talk to us again because they feel like we weren't on their side? Some kids don't make good choices but does that mean we don't help them when we can? If kids can't go to their parents who can they go to? If kids feel like their parents will just get mad at them they will go to their friends. Their friends' advice will replace their parents' and do we want that?

Kids aren't dumb just because they are small. They are growing and isn't it our job to teach them to be responsible contributing adults? Our kids need to know we love them most of all and next they need to know we want to help them. Maybe instead of looking at it as Parent/Child we should look at it as More Perspective/Less Perspective. We are all kids it just that some of us have grown up.

Yes, I Can!

While talking to my son the other day, I indicated that I couldn't do anything without getting hot and tired. I told him how it made me sad to think that once I could do something that now I couldn't. He said "I'll bet you can do it. You'll just be slower but you should try." Well, I tried. And guess what? I did it! (Albeit slower.)

I CAN do things. That knowledge makes me feel like wanting to try.

I accept my disability in some ways. On the one hand I accept what I can do (e.g. Thinking, I wish I could do my hair better but I'm doing the best I can). And on the other hand I don't (e.g. I cry when I can't do things to the same degree of doing them before getting sick).

My perfectionism says, "Do all or do nothing" (e.g. the thought, if I can't do it well then I won't do it at all). My all or nothing thinking stops me from trying because (in my mind) I don't do it good enough. (All or nothing thinking goes back to my childhood of me trying to please people and do everything right.) I'm the kind of person who strives for excellence. I've learned that excellence doesn't mean being perfect but doing my best. (I can be excellent and imperfect at the same time when I do my best.) Not trying isn't doing my best but giving up. I need to to try even when I think that I can do better. (I need to realize that I'm doing the best I can, and if I'm not then I need to try harder.)

I love that President Hinckley said, "Do you best, plus a little more". He strove for excellence and I appreciate his counsel reminding me to do the same. My church teaches excellence. It teaches me that I can be more than I am and I work for it. I love the saying "Why hang with the turkeys when you can soar with the eagles?" That saying is really true and in essence says, "You can go further than you think, so try".

The stories of the pioneers are about excellence. They put one foot in front of the other when they thought they couldn't go on. They kept going when they wanted to give up. They thought, just get me over that mountain. It's inspirational. I think, if they could do it I can too. I don't accept that what I do is all that I can do. I thank my son for encouraging me to try to do what I considered impossible.

Respect

The thing that holds our society together is respect. We have different ways of solving problems but respecting each other allows us to be civil.

It seems like today respect and civility have flown out the door. People say things online they would never say in person. If you disagree with someone they call you names or try to bully you into thinking their way. Some people feel intimidated when they are called names or bullied and conform instead of standing up for what they believe. Most people don't like confrontation and will sacrifice their beliefs to keep the peace. Another thing is people are too busy to think about the fact that they are being bullied, they don't want to deal with it so what happens? The bully wins.

I used to be one of the busy people but my life slowed down a lot when I got sick and stopped working. I started noticing bullies because I wasn't living on auto-pilot. I wasn't just doing the same thing every week and became aware and conscious of things going on around me. I realized that when I was living on auto-pilot I was like a sheep or cattle being directed because I didn't want to deal with it.

I think that's what our government meant by saying something like "people are too stupid to make their own decisions so we do it for them". It's not that people are too stupid, it's that people are too busy and don't want to deal with things. They think "let someone else do it" then complain because it's not being done the way they would do it.

Others have made decisions that people don't like, but the same people who don't like it were complacant and too busy with their lives to stand up.

I think it's time to stand up and wake up! Do we really want to lose our respect for each other and take a giant step backward?

Be of Good Cheer

It's hard to "be of good cheer" when you have little or no hope.

I went to a doctor last year who said to me "there's nothing I can do." She said no medicine existed for the kind of MS I had. Then I never saw her again. She didn't ask me to schedule a follow-up appointment with her and I felt like she didn't care. For ten months I lived in a constant state a limbo. I called it that because I never knew if that day would be my last. I thought what's the use with my life, I'm just gonna die! I never wanted to kill myself but I had no hope for my future happiness.

Last month as I drove and listened to the radio (which I never do, because I hate commercials, I only listened to the radio because I wanted to listen to something and didn't know how to make the satellite radio work) a commercial came that said something like "If you have MS you might qualify for our clinical trial..." I thought oh my gosh! and turned up the volume to hear who would say this. I went directly home and looked the company up on the internet. I felt shocked to realize a medical group existed in the town next to mine that focused on treating people with MS! I wondered how I had never heard of them. I also wondered why none of my previous doctors had mentioned this group. I thought I've had MS for two years and could have used their help!

I knew I liked them when I watched their videos. I scheduled an appointment and went there in March. I had a barage of tests done including telling them my history, having three MRI's (brain, neck, and spine,) having a neurological evaluation, having a sleep study (including spending the night), having an eye study, and giving blood. I just went there again yesterday for a follow-up appointment and felt disappointed when I learned that my previous doctors hadn't sent them my records. I could feel my heart swell when I learned that my MRI's showed very few lesions in my brain. Furthermore, they showed no lesions on my neck or spine. The doctor said that my neurological eval, sleep and eye study were all fine. He said that the thing they checked for in my blood came back negative (which is good!) He only didn't give me a diagnosis because he wanted to wait until he had learned my history and had seen all of my MRI's.

My first doctor said he couldn't help me. My second doctor had a terrible bedside manner. He also indicated that I had a bad attitude. My third doctor forgot about me. This is my fourth doctor, let's hope it's my last!

The nurse gave me hope when he said he wasn't sure that I had the rare form of MS (PPMS.) He said that since I'd had symptoms that went away, it sounded like an attack. People who have PPMS don't have attacks. He said he wanted to review my previous tests and MRI's to make sure I had received the correct diagnosis.

I think a person's level of happiness is dependent upon the level of hope they have.

American Idol Season 10

I wasn't going to watch AI anymore because the judges all left (except Randy) and last year was boring (but it seems like every other year is boring). I'm pleasantly surprised by how much I like the new show and have been hooked since the season started. I watched out of curiosity, as probably most of America did, to see the new judges and I like them! Jennifer and Steven bring a freshness to the show that it needed.

There are so many things I like about the show like: less swearing and stupid people, Jennifer and Steven are performers and give good advice, the contenstants are good singers!, there was only one week before the judges cut the contestants down to 13 instead of eliminating two people each week until they got down to the top 10, no small stage after Hollywood...contestants perform on the big stage, the judges actually give good advice instead of "that was the worst song ever" or "you look really great", and it seems like the judges actually care.

It was touching when Jennifer broke down after she told Chris Medina he wasn't in the Top 24 (whose single I bought and the words are very touching). She said she didn't want to do this anymore, but did anyway and showed America the true professional she is. I have never been a fan of JLo's music although I like her as an actress but I have to say she's really gone up a few notches in my book. I loved it when they showed her new video (On The Floor) on one elimination show and bought the song on Itunes. I think her exposure on the show has let America know her as a person where we really didn't know her before.

Steven is so nice to the contestants, it's refreshing! He's like their dad and the way he treats them says a lot about him. I've never been a fan of Aerosmith or his singing but I sure do like him! His expressions and the things he says are so funny - and real! It was great when Stevie Wonder sang him happy birthday and they gave him a cake. I could tell he was really surprised!

Since Randy move over to the other side of the judges table he's been more real - but not mean. I like Randy but thought he was kind of a pushover in previous seasons. With Jennifer and Steven being new I could really see that he had been on the show for 10 seasons and was used to letting people down. Sometimes when he critiques contestants and Jennifer doesn't agree it reminds me of Simon and Paula. But with one important difference, Randy's critique doesn't tear the person down.

Ryan has grown on me too and I think it's great they give him props at the beginning of the show when they announce him (even though I fast forward to the singing!) He doesn't seem annoying - I don't know if that's because they have new writers or because Simon left. If I had to say one word about those guys it would be - NICE.

Now to the contestants...

My early likes are Pia, James and Casey. I love James even though I don't listen to his kind of music. He's a good singer and a good entertainer. I hope he makes it to the finals so that Steven Tyler sings with him. Pia is a downright good singer. And she looks great too! She reminds me of Rachel on Glee and I imagine her liking gold stars too. Casey is creative! He always surprises me.

Let me just say all the contestants are good singers! But being a good singer doesn't make a person a good performer. The people I mentioned have a star quality I can't describe but I'm not sure about the rest of them. It seems like the music industry changes so fast. One day people like someone, the next day they don't. It seems pretty cut-throat too. Maybe the way Simon was is an indication of that. Whether or not a person is nice they have to be able to handle the brutal honesty of the industry. This show reminds me that most people are nice until someone dashes their dreams.

Be a Good Person

Becoming corrupt is a choice between good and evil. Whatever a person chooses is a decision. Every decision has either rewards or consequences and some people's decisions affect me. I also choose to be a good or evil person. No matter what people do to me they can't dictate my heart and in my heart I choose to be good.